Climbing Back On The Wagon
May 19, 2014
I am slowly, but surely doing what I need to do to get back on a successful track.
I went to see my PCP yesterday, whom I have bragged about before. I truly love this man. I was really embarassed to go in and see him. I have gained 30 pounds since last year and a few years ago I picked up the nasty habit of smoking once again. I knew that I needed to get some Chantix to kick the habit and maybe some kind of appetite suppressent to kick-start my weightloss. Darn constant hunger. ARGH. The hunger issues are the only reason I miss my band.
My doc was willing to help me with both issues, but more than that, he really took the time to speak to my heart. He addressed the fact that I came in saying, "I am slipping....I have been bad...". He told me, "That is a very immature way of addressing yourself. We tell children and even teenagers that they are bad or their behavior is bad....but especially as an adult, we should never talk to ourselves that way. You are HERE. You are trying to do something about your health issues. You have found smoking and eating to be a reward. Now, it's time to find another way to reward yourself. We all need rewards."
We also talked about my dad passing. He knew of the tumultuous relationship I had with my father. So, when we are about ready to part, my doc added, "Melanie, you don't have to please your father anymore....you can't. You don't have to make your husband happy, or your doctor happy....you have to make YOU happy!".
That book I have been reading really emphasizes this point. You have to love yourself, find ways to reward yourself and also make time for yourself. The book really shows you techniques to forgive yourself for missteps, and to stop the negative talk and learn to tell yourself how much you love and appreciate, YOU.
So, my doc just really endorsed everything I have been working my way to. I haven't started all of the techniques in the book yet. Some of it is my own procrastination, and part of it is that I am working on it with my best friend, and she has been too busy to get started.
Going to see my doc was a giant first step for me. I tend to hide my head in the sand and pretend that everything is okay, or it will get better on it's own. By addressing some of the issues that I need to tackle, I am empowering myself to be where I want to be. I have an incredible life with my husband and good friends. I would like to reward myself by looking my best, and feeling my best. With God's grace, I will be around for many years to come.
Apr 24, 2014
I can remember being ecstatic when I was able to get in to size 16 jeans. Going from being able to wear my size 12's very comfortably last year, to wearing 16's this year is NOT a thrill! *sigh*
I haven't written in my blog for a long time. When people veer away from this site it can be for a few reasons. Some people lose so much weight that they find a very full and interesting life and no longer have time to be here. Some people aren't doing that well, and ditch this place, so that they don't have a constant reminder that they are failing once again with the weight loss battle.
I am with the latter group, and also have a few other reasons for not being here as much. I used to have some free time at work and at home to peruse the site, but work has gotten incredibly busy and my home life is so full now, I don't usually even get on my computer when I get home. Also, when this site updated several months ago, I have a real hard time navigating here. A lot of the icons no longer show up, etc. If I use my tiny phone screen, I see everything okay, but that's not much fun. So, I just stepped away.
I have done some serious soul searching the past few months. Although all of us that flock to this site and end up getting weight loss surgery have battled with obesity, not all of us have the same demons. For some, they were naturally at a healthy weight until they had children or hit menopause, etc. Others have had a love/hate relationship with food for nearly their entire life. I have battled my weight since I was around 12 years old.
To delve deeper, those that have had a life-long struggle, struggle for different reasons. Maybe there is a hormonal or adrenal reason for the overeating. Maybe someone experienced some painful abuse or tragedies and turned to food as comfort. Whatever the reason we ended up here, WLS is not really a one-size-fits-all cure to obesity. Unfortunately, for some of us, we have to really work on the mental portion of weightloss and lifestyle changes, or the weight will come back.....just like it has all of our lives.
Sure, most of us had to take a psychological test before being approved for surgery.....however, that doesn't really (in my opinion) end up being a stamp of approval, that yes, you are of sound mind enough that you will never go back to eating in an unhealthy way. We end up with a smaller stomach, or a restricted stomach, but our emotional ties with food don't automatically end when we wake up from surgery. Oh how I wish.
As for me, WLS has been a true blessing for me. I first got the LapBand in January 2008. My first surgeon was a true quack. Thank goodness for Obesity Help folks, or I wouldn't have been able to survive life with my band. I learned so much about what to expect and what different signals my body was sending meant. The quack fled the state and my insurance company assigned me to a different surgeon for follow-ups. He's wonderful. I eventually had surgery to fix a slipped band (thanks to the quack), and then a couple of years later, surgery to convert from a Band to the Sleeve. So, six years after my initial WLS, I am only down 60 of my 100 pound goal. (I did lose that 100, but have since been up and down quite a bit)
The fact that I am still obese by BMI charts is not my surgeon's fault. My stomach is now sleeved, for two years now, and I still have nice restrction. I never ever lost my hunger with the sleeve, but if my head were in the right place, I would be avoiding carbohydrates and would lose weight, even with hunger involved. So, the problem lies with me. What is it about me that finds food to be such a strong addiction? After all, I have gone through 3 surgeries to be healthy. Before surgery, I went on every diet known to man, and tried every gimmick sold to desperate suckers like myself.
Last year, I even started seeing a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. I KNOW I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, and I really wanted someone to help me see exactly why and how to make my relationship with food funtional. After a few sessions, I knew in my heart that the answer lie somewhere out there, but this woman was not going to lead me to it. I had done a lot of the work on my own and shared with her what I felt were the issues, but she just kept having me weigh in and asked me dumb questions like, "Do you know what BMI is?" Seriously??? I am a lifer in the diet world.........that's an insult.
So, I quit seeing her and had plans on trying to find a different therapist. You see, I was sexually abused by my own father my entire life, growing up. I know that a lot of my addictions to food stem from the abuse. I experienced to some great healing from a therapist when it came to the abuse, several years before. She just couldn't help with the food addictions. I needed a therapist that specialized in eating disorders, to help me normalize my food habits. Well, I never did persue a different eating disorder therapist, as life got in the way. Work really picked up and I was also working on planning our wedding part, etc., etc., etc.
The wedding and the party went well, with just a few hitches to get over....then starting in October I got put on furlough, with countless other government employees. That was a very unsettling experience. I felt pretty certain that I would eventually get paid for the time I wasn't allowed to work, but when? Rent and car payments were still due. Utilities and insurance still needed to be paid. It was a very unsettling experience. I calmed my nerves by baking and cooking.....A LOT. Before you know it, it's the holidays, and did I have money saved up to by presents? Of course not.......stress. Food everywhere around the holidays and stress are NOT a good combination for me. I KNOW this about me, and I KNOW that there has to be ways to conquer these situation other than by sheer will power, but how? After all, you wouldn't expect an alcoholic to turn down a drink, especially if he/she feels like she needs that drink to get through the day. There is only so much will power for those with addictions.
I was kicking myself for not persuing a good therapist. I know myself, and I know what situations and emotions just turn me in to a carbohydrate eating machine. Come January and February, I notice that none of my clothes are fitting properly. UGH. I am not comfortable at work, or at home. At least at home I can put on some sweat pants. I know better, I know that elastic can decieve me in to believing that I haven't gained THAT much weight. So, I start going back to the gym. That's great, but I quickly let life get in the way, once again. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I am an intelligent woman, what the hell is wrong with me???? I am now having to go BUY clothes that I cannot afford to buy because I out of control with my eating. Talk about being depressed.
I got a call in February that my dad was brain dead and had to give permission to take him off of life support. Yes, this is the same dad that was sexually abusive and a drug addict. I had cut him out of my life about 7 years ago, but this news really stings. My relationship wtih him can never be repaired now. It's gone. It's over. It's final. Was I going to miss someone that I had already banned from my life? My dad was truly gone now. I have to tell you, I had a very hard time sorting through my feelings, and still am struggling with that.
Well, being a bit depressed, my husband I went to the library. I automatically went to the self-help/diet book section. Old habit. LOL I found a book titled, "Weight Loss For Those That Feel Too Much". I was definitely feeling a bit too much and grabbed the book. I didn't even look at it for a week or so. One evening I started reading it and was really blown away. Seriously, blown away. This is not a typical weight loss book with a few recipes or menu plans to follow. This was the therapist I had been searching for....in my library book. WTH?! Who knew?
So, as I stated before, many of us have different reasons to have ended up obese and turning to surgery. This book will not help everyone and will not be relateable by all. This book truly speaks to me. The author describes who I am, why I overeat and why react to stress the way I do. There is quite a bit of work involved....cognitive therapy. This involves a lot of journaling, self love and forgiveness. The result will hopefully be that I become a person that can better filter my experiences with those around me, detox my feelings daily, and have a very functional relationship with food. The author doesn't push any kind of diet to lose weight, just helps you to get to a healthy place in your head to be able to follow the diet of your choosing. The author went a low-carb route. With my diabetes and triggers, I know that sticking to low-carb, paleo, eating with help me, as well.
I look forward to posting updates in here now. I still have my Sleeve....she works great, except for the hunger (grrrrr), now I just need to get my mind and soul on board. I know that there is a healthy person inside of me that is longing to come out and be front and center. Besides, I don't want to spend money on buying a whole new wardrobe unless it's for a GOOD reason. Wish me luck! Self-therapy it is.
Hello, Gym, It's Been Awhile
Feb 10, 2014
Soooooooooooo, my health insurance gave me a perk this year. They are paying for my membership to a pretty nice gym. I had been a member of Planet Fitness for the last 3 years. I had not really utilized it much over the last year. It's an okay gym, really.....guess I just got lazy and a bit bored with it. The nicer gym is right by my house, and has a pool and all kinds of fitness classes. The biggest perk is that my hubby got a membership since he is on my insurance.
We have been going pretty regularly for a week now (when we got our membership activated). Wowza!! I am sooooooo sore! It makes me happy to be this sore. I was missing the time I had at the gym. Even when my eating was good, I always knew I was doing SOMETHING good for myself. I haven't swam or taken a class, yet, but I will!!
My eating was bad MOST of the week, last week. My damn period is also fricking late again, and messing with me. So, between those two factors I am still at 195. This week's plan is to continue to go to the gym, maybe even take a class. Also, hubby and I are going to follow the 4 hour body once again. It's something he enjoys doing and it's easy enough. All week, we will only have meat, eggs, veggies and beans. On the weekend we can relax our eating and add in some carbs.
I don't seem to stick to anything long enough to see if it works....so, I vow to stick to this for at least 3 weeks and see what my results are. I am having a protein shake also, to make sure I get all of my protein in, and it's a fast breakfast. The IF thing was just getting too hard. Meetings during the late afternoon, etc., were making it too difficult to eat when I was supposed to. So, giving myself 3 weeks on this, I will hopefully be able to report around March 3rd that I have seen some weightloss.
The biggest reality check that I had was not being able to wear some of my work clothes. I have a lot of 12's and 10's to wear, but had gravitated to my 14's as the weight was coming back. When my 14's got uncomfortable, I knew it was time to regain control. Spring and summer will be here before I know it, and I DO NOT want to be crying about how fat I feel and how my shorts don't fit. It's all in my control, and I KNOW I can do this.
Hope everyone has a productive and successful week!
Jan 27, 2014
I pretty much stuck to the IF last week. My body does seem to respond when I stick to it. I broke my fast a few hours early on Friday, and then ate when and what I wanted over the weekend, which IS part of my plan. The breaking early on Friday was not. Oh well. I was down 3 pounds last week. I didn't weigh over the weekend, and didn't do it this morning, either. So, I could have seen those 3 pounds back on, who knows?
I am planning on doing the IF again this week. I am also looking for inspiration to stick to it. I have to plow through the immense hunger. My sleeve has never taken my hunger away. Some of it probably is acid reflux, but I already take 40 mg of Prilosec every day, I don't want to go any higher than that. So, I just have deal with the real hunger and of course the head hunger.
I think I will take one of my pictures here from around my lowest weight and put it up on my desk. Seeing how I CAN look with the emerging hope that spring and summer will be here soon, I am hoping to get the inspiration that I need to get these extra pounds off.
What is your inspiration?
New Year, Same Old Issues
Jan 20, 2014
ARGH!! I haven't been on since October, and I am up almost 10 pounds from then. GRRR! I have really slacked so badly. The holidays are always brutal, I tend to just let any ounce of control go out the window. I am at 194. This totally sucks. All of my clothes are tight and I REFUSE to buy a bigger size.
As of yesterday, I have started the intermittent fasting (IF), and eating pretty clean. My MAIN focus will be to stick to my IF, and when I am eating, I will do mainly meat, veggies and some fruits. This worked so well for me last spring/summer.
Sorry that I haven't been around, but I have been so busy, just don't have the time I used to have. And, to be honest......ever since OH changed the site up, it's really hard for me to navigate the screens now. Some of the links, etc., are not visible on my computer. You can see a trace of it, but I can't tell what it is. It's frustrating, for sure.
Personally, things are good. Hubby is so good to me. My BFF says that I am having trouble staying focused with my eating because I am so happy. Hmmmmm, that's very possible. Still, I am NOT happy at this weight. I need to regain control of my food monsters. They can't be the boss of me!
Have a great week, everyone!
It's Been A Long Time!!
Oct 27, 2013
Wow, it's been about 6 weeks or so since I have posted on my blog. It seems like when I don't log in to OH, it's because I am not doing what I know I SHOULD do, and avoiding this site helps me stay in denial. *sigh* Yep, my weight is back up. Total shocker, I know. I am back up to 185.
I really have been extremely busy at work, as of late, and have a lot going on outside of work.....but the weight gain is totally on me. Literally and figuratively! ha. The intermittent fasting and eating clean, just stopped, it seemed once I got closer to the wedding. Just too much going on to focus on ME. I can't say that I haven't focused on my eating, because I think that's all I have done! Just focusing on the absolute worst foods.
Life is good, otherwise. Still sharing a very happy life with my hubby.
I think my main goals for now will be to cut back on carbs and get more exercise in. One day at a time!
Sep 10, 2013
Well, my sweetheart and I tied the knot! We had a quiet ceremony at the courthouse, but then a party at our house to celebrate. We had a lot of fun. I am a very lucky woman.
I have to actually give praises to WLS for allowing me to find my soul mate. Sure, becoming slimmer opened up more choices for me when it came to men. Let's face it, some men just aren't attracted to obese women. There is nothing wrong with that.....seriously. I am not physically attracted to men that have very hair backs...doesn't make me a bad person. I think we are all programmed with certain tendencies to be attracted to various features for love interests.
My husband IS actually attracted to voluptuous women. He likes a woman with some meat on her bones and some junk in the trunk. ha ha He has seen pictures of me before I had WLS, and he says he would have been attracted to me back then.
So, why do I want to give credit to WLS for finding him? Even though HE might have been attracted to me at 260 lbs., I would have never had the confidence to have met him when I was morbidly obese. I have learned and grown so much during this process.
Having been overweight, just about all of my life, I really never had much self-confidence. Losing weight, changed my world so much. There were a lot times that I didn't handle opportunities properly, but I learned and grew from all of my experiences.
I am still struggling with the last 25 pounds or so. I will ALWAYS struggle with my eating. Even though, I am not at goal, 5 years after my initial surgery, I have reached a very happy point in my life.
Loving myself, appreciating myself and most of all, giving myself respect; allowed me to find a man that loves, appreciates and respects me also. It truly is a wonderful and mind-blowing thing!
UGH, Neverending Monday Start-Over
Aug 12, 2013
My last update was over 3 weeks ago, and I am up another 3 pounds to 176. Lately, I just can't seem to get it together AND I seem to be having hormonal issues once again. Joy. Just like last summer, my period is way off track. I never got my period for July, still haven't....and it's almost the middle of August. UGH.
I know that this is PART of my problem. I am still experiencing the increased hunger and cravings that come with PMS, but I am not getting my period, which usually re-sets everything.
I really plan on just knuckling through it. IF this is just my body telling me I am peri-menopausal, I HAVE to find a way to deal with this AND lose weight. I can't sit and cry over how difficult it is.....at least *I* have a beautiful sleeve to help me from eating stupid amounts of food. Most women entering this lovely phase of life, do not. I *do* have control over WHAT goes in my mouth. I also have control over how much exercise I give my body. So......time to stop with the excuses already. Seriously.
My wedding and party is less than 2 weeks away. I figure, if I buckle down, I can lose the extra 6-7 pounds I have picked up in the last 2 months. No, my body doesn't lose weight that quickly, but I am sure at least 2 pounds of this is water weight. I am loading up on water with lime, right now. I will also take my 3 mile walk at lunch today. Getting back down in to the 160's can absolutely be done....and it will.
So, back to intermittent fasting and eating primal for me. It's not a sacrifice, it's doing what's best for my body and health.
Finding My Mojo, Once Again
Jul 25, 2013
I see it's been a month since I last posted. Wow.....being absent from OH doesn't mean that I don't have to be accountable!
I have been struggling this last month. I haven't kept up with my intermittent fasting, and eating more primal. I will do okay on some days, but just not being consistent enough. I weighed in at 173 this morning, so only up about a pound and a half, but I would rather see the scale go DOWN, not UP.
I will get back in to the groove of things.....guess I just need to kick my own butt.
I am getting married in less than a month, and although we aren't having a big ceremony, we are having a big party to celebrate a couple of days after we get hitched. Scraping money together, planning the party and a planning a ton of other things that are going on has me very distracted. LOL I DO NOT want to be embarrassed to look at any pictures from the party, so I need to make sure I get in the groove ASAP!
Hope everyone else is on plan having a successful summer........it makes me sad to see autumn decorations and school supplies in the stores. I am not ready for summer to end. I am so loving the warm weather. We can do this!
Almost July? Where Does The Time Go?
Jun 23, 2013
Sorry, it's been a couple of weeks since posting a new blog. Things have been crazy busy at work, and pretty hectic at home.
I had my latest follow-up with Dr. Acosta this past Friday. Since I had lost some weight in the last few months, I wasn't terrified to see him. LOL Not that he is every mean or disrespectful to me, but I have tremendous respect for him, so, I put pressure on myself to not let him down.
He wasn't my initial surgeon. When I got my LapBand back in 2008, I had a quack surgeon. He ended up fleeing to another state and my insurance wrangled Dr. Acosta in to taking all of his patients. Poor man. He has been SO disgusted with the shoddy work the former surgeon of mine did on me and many others. Well, because Dr. Acosta never saw me at my highest weight, I think he has a hard time seeing exactly how far I have come. When I first saw Dr. Acosta, I was already down about 60-70 pounds.
On Friday, he was looking at my entire chart. He then asked me what my highest weight was. I told him that it was over 260. I never weighed myself back then, and the quack surgeon's office didn't weigh me either, at the time of my surgery. Yeah, weird, huh? They just wanted the money from my insurance company. They weren't actually concerned that I lost weight.
Anyway, Dr. Acosta was very surprised that I had been that heavy at one time. I think he was then able to see that I have come a long way. If I used 140 pounds as a healthy goal weight, that would calculate to having lost 72% of my excess weight. Not bad. I would like to get to my initial goal of 150. Dr. Acosta assured me that he really thinks I can get there. I know that I can, it will just be a slow ride, which is fine with me.
I had lost 9 pounds since seeing him in December. Not bad, FOR ME.....and especially since I didn't make much of an effort to lose until April. I weighed 173.5 on his scale, it was 171.6 on mine, that morning. My blood work came back very good, vitamin-wise. I didn't see the results, but the NUT couldn't get over how my B12 and D was registering. I guess I am doing very well, in those areas! ha! My cholesterol is a bit too high, so my doc suggested adding a fish oil capsule and to get more exercise. So, I will try it.
The scale has been hanging on to 171, mostly because I haven't been very compliant with my eating. I know that I am PMSing, and just wanting to eat everything in sight. I guess I should be glad that it isn't a higher weight. LOL
Hope everyone has a good and successful week!