Oct 01, 2016
So, I'm struggling. I thought I haven't having any issue saying goodbye to my Sweet Treats. As long as I still got my Sugar Free popsicles, I felt like I had slain the Sugar beast. I thought, I only eat a small amount of carbs, I am good. I refused to admit that I was still riding that Sugar Dragon. I know Carbs break down in my system the same way that Ice Cream used to. Just because it's Baked Kettle Chips doesn't mean it's okay to eat or that the carbs won't effect me. I monitor my grams of Sugar intake like a Hawk. No item with more than 8 grams per serving. So when the chips say you can eat 18 and it's only 2 grams of sugar, I eat 3 servings of said chips to satisfy my head, zoned out, munchie hunger, never paying attention to the carbs per serving. I may have only had 6 grams of sugar but what did I just do to myself in the carb catagory.
I am kicking myself because I know I should be losing more weight and I feel like I am making serious changes in my life to accomplish this, why is elimating carbs my issue? I have done it before. I lived the Atkins way of life for months. I know it wasn't permanent so I must not have been that good at it, but I have done it. You'd think with the added dramatic effect of having surgery, something would've clicked by now but NOPE. I still want the chips. I still want to eat toast and english muffins. God, English Muffins are like Crack to me. I may have mentioned that before. I know this part is going to SUCK and I am having issues committing to it.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about my issue, off and on now, for a few weeks. We were having the conversation yet again this morning and it was said conversation that made me want to log on and get my frustrations out. He is sitting next to me now and I know he is so tired of hearing me talk about this stuff..I know how I sound..I know I can't preach what I need to do and then sit next to him and eat a piece of pizza. (Even if it was a thin crust chicken, spinach and artichoke pizza...it was still a pizza..) I can't overload him and make him not want to listen to me because all I do is talk about weight loss, yet still eat bad things and complain.
I feel like I obsess over this stuff..like it's my every waking thought..and I don't want to get to the point where I burn out and stop. I don't want to be so frustrated by the progress that I say this is good enough. 95 lbs is still a success story, right? Go ahead and eat the toast. Eat another slice. Nothing to be ashamed of. When I was at 394 lbs my dream was to get to a 16/18. Queen Latifah(ish) With being 5'8, I thought if I lost more, I'd lose my womanly curves. Now I am here. I am a 16/18 and everyone says how amazing I look. How proud they are of me. How I look like a different person. I know I could stop. I could start eating more crap and probably maintain this. Stay under 275 lbs and be ok.
I keep re-reading http://www.bariatriceating.com/2015/03/avoid-the-top-10-post-op-mistakes/. I didn't know how many of those mistake I had been making without even realizing it. It's eye opening and it made me realize I am not alone. People who have Bypass Surgery have issues maintaining their new lifestyle and sometimes stumble. Sometimes you have to admit you need help and do some research. Sometimes you need a slap in the face.
I want more for myself. I want to reach my goal of 175 lbs, not only because that number has always seemed to be what a normal woman was supposed to be, but because it means I have accomplished one of the hardest things there is to do and I will have done it because I drove myself. I buckled down, did what I needed to do, sacrificed what I need to, changed what I needed to, to make my Dream Come True. I want to know that I have that kind of Power inside of me.
Ok, rant over. I feel better. Thanks OH :)