Same Theme, Different Day.

Apr 24, 2012

Well I suck, or at least that is how I feel. I can't believe that I have gained some weight. I am so upset with myself. I was always scared right from the beginning that I wasn't going to be a long term success with this :(  I don't understand why I can't get on the program and stay on it. Why does it have to be such a struggle? Why couldn't I be the person that has bad dumping? I know that I wasn't loosing any weight and I told myself as long as I can maintain this loss I am okay. Well I have put on 4lbs and my work pants don't fit anymore. HA! I went to go and get them hemmed and I couldn't get the button done up. Granted it was a tight fit to begin with but.... Joke is on me.  I can't believe what a difference 4 pounds can make. Before at 270lbs a couple of pounds didn't make any difference. This time the extra weight has kicked me out of being over weight to being obese. My doctor is willing to fight for me to get plastics but even he said that I have to loose 20 more pounds. Well that number is now up to 24, let's just make it an even 25lbs. I have to lose 25lbs. Why is it so hard? It seems me that if I can lose (almost thanks to my weight gain) 100lbs I can lose the last 25 that I want. I went for some counseling but felt that I was being judged. I have been to counseling before so I know that it wasn't me but how the lady did her job. I do not like it when what I am talking about doesn't seem important enough to discuss. She was too caught up in my smoking habits to look at the reasons why I use food as a crutch.  I didn't want to tell her that I smoked nor that I drank but she wanted to know and like I thought Judgment!

I have found that with the little added weight I have been super bitchy. I just can't stand myself and have been taking it out on others. I am surprised over the years that my Homer hasn't left me. The past week or so I have also been forgetting to take my antidepressant at night. I asked Homer today to help me remember to take it. He thought that I have been. He said that it makes sense now why I have been so bitchy. I was sitting on my couch crying today trying to figure out why I have been feeling so shitty other than the weight gain and realized that I have been so tired at night that I haven't thought about taking it. I also have been working way too much for me. I am not a full time worker. It gets to me. Not that I am not physically able to but it gets to me emotionally. I get burnt out so quick. I can't wait until Sunday to be able to recharge emotionally as well as physically, although I know that the days will fly right by.

I do enjoy the met and greets but I get jealous when I see how much better everyone is doing. I feel like I am the only one that struggles with this. Everyone has been way more successful in the losing part. Some days I don't even feel like I should be sitting on the bench.

I have been getting really pissed off at Homer. He is off work. This will be the third week. He sits around and doesn't do anything constructive unless I yell. I can't stand the way he doesn't listen. I hate his selective hearing. If there isn't a problem with his ears there just might be after I box him in them. I swear to god next week if he brings shit food into the house I am going to leave him. He can have everything. I just told him that maybe next week when we see the specialist that they may give him a couple weeks of antibiotics and he may have to go back to work. He said that all he heard is that I want him to go back to work. I can't stand it. I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I feel like the amount of support I get in my everyday life is zero. I can't even believe that I am venting on line about him. Boy do I like the anonymity here :)

I can't wait for my days off!!!!!


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Jul 26, 2009
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