depression...life changes

Dec 23, 2008

I am 6 weeks out today at 284.5 the last time I weiged this much, well more even I fit better into my clothes, but I was working out a lot.  I am begining to feel like this is going no where.  Not to mention I threw up 2 times this weekend, and now NOTHING sounds or tastes good.  I wouldn't eat except I know I have to.  Eating is now a chore.  I don't want to do it.  the only thing good I have eaten was at a tapas place in the castro.  It was sooo rich and yummy, and the plates are so small it's perfect!  But yu can't eat like that everyday, and I certainly am not skilled enough to cook like that.  I am an okay cook, but if I am going to eat at all I am going to have to become a chef!
The other depressing thing is my relationship is ending.  It is almost ALL  my choice, but the other preson is making it difficult and still living with me.  He is moving out in 2 weeks, but he was away for two months overseas and I felt free for the first time in almost a year, and now that he is back, I feel super depressed.  It is then that I realized it was the most toxic, depressing relationship I have ever been in.  I don't want to sound mean, but I just want him gone.  I will then begin struggling with my bills as soon as he leaves because I wont have help with half the rent.  Then to top it off I am in escrow to buy a town house and that makes life even more expensive, and am going to need help to move, paint, and carpet. 
The other really depressing thing is that I have no one to talk to.  My best friend of 15 years (well there are two best friends since JR high).  I dont really talk to anymore.  We used to talk everyday, but pretty much since my surgery we talk maybe once a week, but usualy longer.  she lives in a different town, so our daily conversations were so nice.   But two events changed all that first was when ur other best friend moved to town, and then when I had my surgery.  She even admitted she was jelous and had yelled at me on the phone, and then said she didn't.  I then have a very close friend here in Oakland, and she has to move for her job.  I don't know what I am going to do.  I really like my alone time, but I just have no one to talk to really.  There is really no one at work to talk to about anything personal.  I go days, weeks w/out a real conversation.  I do have one friend here that had WLS a month before me, and we are having dinner tonight, but I hate dumping my problems and feelings on other people.  I am usually known as a very strong person, and I know I will be just fine.  I just am having a hard time with all these new adjustments and changes in my life.  Thats all for now.. thanks for anyone out there listening!

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