MY secret, MY struggles, MY journey

Apr 03, 2011

Highest Weight = 345lbs
Years "maintaining" over 300lbs = 21 years
Surgery Weight = 302lbs
Lowest Post Surgery Weight = 192lbs
Previous Maintenance Weight = 195lbs - 205lbs
Years at Maintenancee Weight = 1 year 8 months
Current Weight = 220lbs

Wow it's been FOREVER since I blogged or just wrote about ME and with all these "secret" posts rolling around I figured it's time!!

MY "secret" = When I had WLS over 3 years ago I made a VOW to myself and my dearly departed mother that this time around (considered MY surgery a NEW beginning) I would pay ATTENTION to everything my BODY was telling me.  I researched WLS for over a year.  Why because the LapBand has the BEST pr around and I knew the RNY was NOT for me.  I researched full and partial gastrectomies for about a month before I KNEW it was for ME and in MY opinion was superior and would give me everything I ever wanted from WLS instantly.  The VSG for me was "set it and forget it."  Anyway from the moment I awoke from surgery until about 5 months ago.  I listened to MY body.  I learned that potatoes are almost ALWAYS not my friend even 3 years out.  I learned that PROCESSED carbs, not only the obvious, like donuts, chips, crackers etc but "whole grains" like oatmeal, grained bread, wheat pasta etc etc would either stall my weight loss, trigger my hunger, or even if I had say 1/2 cup of oatmeal a day for a week I would inevitably GAIN weight.  If I felt a pain or anything "wrong" I would call my doctor, read the boards and not REST until I KNEW what was the CAUSE.  I refused to just treat the symptom with drugs I wanted to CAUSATION but I digress.  I LEARNED how sensitive MY body was to carbs especially anything other then fruit and vegetables and beans.  I have learned that MY personality is just AS big as life as it was at my HIGHEST.  I changed after WLS.  I just wasn't me for a good while.  I LOST who I thought I WAS or who I AM somewhere in the weight loss.  I stopped going OUT.  I stopped going on VACATIONS.  I was essentially a skinny chick HIDING away from life.  Go figure I would become a recluse as fine as I was...lol.  I'm better NOW.  I'm ok with being a size 12-14.  I'm ok with alot of things I wasn't ok with before.  So MY secret to losing over 100lbs and maintaining it for 1 1/2 years.  I LEARNED about MY body and LISTENED to it.  I got on the scale EVERYDAY to SEE where I was.  I ATE protein first and if room had vegetables, fruit and even an occasional "treat." 

NOW though I'm NOT ok with my currently weight....onto MY struggles.

MY struggles.  So above we have my LEARNING right?  If you want to read my profile you'll see as I "learned" I wrote and shared...but somewhere along the way I would like to say I FORGOT but in reality I just wanted to NOT something.  I don't really know if I stopped caring but in essence I did.  I saw the scale creeping it YET I did NOTHING to correct MY behavior.  Between October to December 2010 I STOPPED listening to my body.  I ate ice cream and cake for dinner, would have assorted "holiday" fare for lunch and slowly but surely my 195 actually low 192 in early October, went to 199, 203, 207, and finally on December 31, 2010...I weighed 216.6lbs.  Even then it was JUST like oh well it's just 3lbs over where I was December 31, 2009.  So BAM January 1st I hit the ground running and tried to "diet."  You remember those failed attempts where you became all strict about your "diet" that you inevitably fell OFF the diet and binged...yeah that was me in January so I then bounced from 210 to 220.  So February came...well that's MY birthday month and I decided in lieu of "dieting" I would just give up carbs BUT I decided in honor of my 41st birthday I would have 41 different alcoholic drinks.  You know what...I LEARNED that alcohol "carbs" didn't really affect me.  My weight STAYED 216lbs for the whole month.  So March 1st...ready to hit the ground running again right??  Well not so much why because I fell in love and became a couple.  I avoided it during January and of course I can't make any commitments during Shelluary (what I call February).  So while "trying" not really to get back on track, we've been going out and I'VE been eating off HIS plate.  Some french fries, here and there, a bite of a sandwich, my own bread, a piece of cake etc etc and BAM.  Next thing I know I am CURRENTLY sitting pretty at 220.2lbs TODAY.  Because of the MY secret I KNOW what I need to do but I will be the first to say it's HARD especially NOW at 3 years out.  I can eat more then those first 2 years when it was EASY to say no.  Not sure where I read this but always on OH about remembering WHY you had surgery.  I actually would EXPRESS that same sentiment to someone struggling.  Why did YOU do this.  NOW I'm asking myself that same question....now onto MY journey.

MY journey...basically started when I watched for about 4 years my mother DIE slowly but surely allowing her love of all things sweet to EAT at her spirit and health and ultimately take her life.  I saw her give excuse after excuse over WHY should "could" eat this that or the other.  "I'll just take a little more insulin."  I think my favorite excuse was when she was on dialysis after her kidneys' couldn't process all the meds she was taking for congestive heart failure, diabetes, high blood pressure and the like.  "It's alright because they will "clean" my blood later."  I saw her die and while I was sitting at 325 I was a ticking time bomb.  Soon to follow in her steps if I didn't do SOMETHING.  I promised myself when I would forget I would REMEMBER my mother and for the last few months I allowed myself to FORGET.  I'm thankful to that person who reminded me of the WHY I had surgery...

Ms Shell

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