Onmyweightohappiness

Waiting for reality to set in....

May 04, 2010

My surgery date is coming closer and closer but yet it doesn't seem real at all. I am almost numb to it all. Maybe because I have waited so long for some "help"? Or maybe because I never thought I would do this? I have researched gastric bypass, weight loss surgery, diets, exercises, etc for years. Specifically weight loss surgery for about 8-9 years. I always looked into it but always told myself I didn't need it, I could do this on my own, I felt it was a way of "cheating" to lose weight, and more and more things I told myself. It took almost 8-9 years for me to finally come out of denial and say I need help. I am obese. Yes I said it. Obese. I cringe at that word. I hate that word. It makes me feel embarrassed, ashamed, angry, hurt and any other emotion that goes with it.

I have always been a pretty confident person. Even growing up as a kid, in high school etc, I was an over weight kid and teen. Not by a lot but I was. But I had confidence, even if I did get picked on. I didn't think I was a 10 or anything but thought better of myself than I do now. In the last few years it's diminished and really hit me hard. The way I see myself and think about myself is a shame. No person should ever have to feel like this. Even my baby sister said Sarah, you are the one always telling all of us to love ourselves for us and be proud of who we are. Those are my words, and I still believe them. I love me for me to a certain degree. But my health has to change. I can't go on like this. Getting pregnant with Gage and having Gage and having Gage early at that, changed me forever. I look into those little eyes and I have to do something. I want to be better. I want to do and show him everything life has to offer with nothing holding me back. My husband is scared because I will be having surgery. There is that risk. I get it I totally get what he is saying. But me being over weight is a risk too. I could die tomorrow for all I know. So the way I look at it atleast I would know I am helping myself. I have confidence in my surgeon, in his staff and everyone helping me thru this. If I had a doubt at all I wouldn't go thru with it. And everyone that knows me knows my intuition is on point a lot.

With a matter of 11 days and all my requirements will be completed and a matter of 2 weeks we can be submitting to insurance, it hasn't hit me yet. I feel like I have been dreaming about this and it's never going to happen. I think until I get approved and a surgery date maybe then it will hit me or who knows it may not hit me until the day of surgery. I will truly feel blessed if all goes smoothly. I have wanted help for years but was in denial. Denial of how bad it really was or how bad it has gotten. The last year of seeing the reality of my health, it's freaked me out. The major thing that has stuck in my head is my sleep study. I stopped breathing 167 times in a 5-6 hr period. One hundred and sixty seven times. I will never forget that number. That alone scares the bejesus out of me. Yes I know my sleep apnea may mot go away after surgery. I accept that. Granted it's herditary too and runs in my family so I may be cursed with it for life. I wear my CPAP machine almost every night now. Not the most sexiest thing under the sun but I tell myself tonight it could save my life. Thank goodness my husband loves me no matter what and in the last two years I have truly seen that. He tells me all the time I am beautiful and how he loves certain body parts. I wish I felt the same way he tells me. Really I do. I know I will never be 100% happy with my body, who is? But I just need and want some help. My body has given up on me. I sit and try to imagine what it would be like 50lbs lighter? 100lbs lighter? And honestly I can't picture it. Is that bad? Maybe it's because weight has been an issue my entire life and I have to struggle to lose 10lbs or 20lbs. To lose 50lbs in a few months seems unreal to me. Maybe that's why I can't picture it.
My mom told me a few weeks ago she had a dream, she was reading a magazine and turned the page and there I was in a tiny bikini and she freaked out and said That's my daughter! I laughed at her so hard. For real mom a tiny bikini? Magazine? Come on now! She was totally dreaming. I haven't wore a swimsuit probably since I was a teenager. I love swimming but don't go because I am embarrassed. I don't care about being skinny, a size 0, being in a bikini or all that type of stuff. I want to be healthy. I want to have my self esteem back, my confidence. I want to be able to put on my clothes and be ok with it, not cringe or avoid the mirror. I feel like I am rambling. Maybe my nerves are setting in. I am just ready. Ready as I will ever be. I keep crossing my fingers and praying everyday for God to watch over me thru this process, let it be a smooth one, let surgery be a success and let this help me to be a healthy person the rest of my life. I never want to go thru this again. I wouldn't wish this on my own enemy.

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About Me
Houston, TX
Location
25.0
BMI
RNY
Surgery
06/17/2010
Surgery Date
May 18, 2010
Member Since

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