moving and all the changes

Sep 30, 2017

I was planning to have an eventful 39th year. bariatric and knee replacement. yep everything was goign to be golden by my 40th birthday. in fact i was celebrating 10 years at my job and 20 years in my relationship. it was primed to be a great year. then this. my condo board changed a condo rule a rule that put me out on the street. well not literally but i can no longer afford my condo. i cant have a roomate anymore. so my mom cant afford to pay that amount (the amount the roommate was paying) every month to subsidize me. so yeah we have to sell. its good in a way. my mom will be selling and making a profit. she is using the profit to buy me a house with my inlaws and we will all be paying her rent. but it means i have to leave my job, my doctors, my pharmacy, my home. oh my home. i have lived here for 8 years. but my moms condition is that we move to within an hour of her. and she lives quite out of the city. i understand her policy it makes sense she wants to see me and not have to worry about the drive. my brother in law has promised to teach me to drive. closes a door opens a window right. i will get  achance to live in the country. where theier are ticks i might add. ticks...

but yeah i think it will be great to live with my partner at last. we have not (0ddly enough ) lived together in 20  years. i know its odd but we had jobs and responsibilities. and just didnt have a chance to live together it worked for us i just its hard enoguth to do these changes but to do them while packing and moving and interviewing agents. 


Spoke to someone at work about my surgery

Aug 17, 2017

I did not realize how excited i was for this until i spoke to somone new about it. 

this was a director and i am just a relief staff so our paths dont cross too often. some of you know i am having a knee repalcement or two soon. but it will be at least six months after my roux en y but this director, did not realize i was having the bariatric so she was confused when we started talking about me having shakes before my surgery. she was nodding but looking very perplexed until she finally broke down and said "why do you need shakes before knee surgery and why is your diet so restrictive" i laughed (quietly to myself) and expalined. i found that talking about it to someone who didnt know about it was informative for me. i remembered a lot of the things i learned in class and things i have learneed here. i felt ready excited and prepared. for the first time in a long time. since my dad passed in fact i felt that this is the total right thing to do. i was so lost before. i have had moments of clarity since but this really resounded on all levels. i just felt ready. you know? just ready. like my life is about to begin. 



i am having tacos this weekend. it is my final meal and it will be a hearty veggie filled one. i dont feel that i am going to binge and have pizza or anything. i dont want to do mcdonalds. i dont want to eat something greasy and fatty i have already left that life behind me. just have to give up the coffee. that is going to be the hard part. oh man i will miss coffee. we can have decaff right? i can live with decaff.


anyway thanks for listening. 


Less than a month

Aug 09, 2017

So ready, well no, not as ready as i was. and now suddenly everyone is all  "maybe you should put it off" i have found out that my inlaws are ready to kidnap me to avoid me having this surgery, my mum, MY OWN MUM, is unsure of me having this surgery, and my partner is ever supportive but is also heasitant about the big changes. does NO ONE have faith in me? i KNOW i can do this. i have been waiting so long. i am disappointed at the lack of faith in me. i have been preparing for over a year now. i want this so bad i can taste it. my whole regime has changed. I am almost compleatly off pop (after being compleatly off pop last spring i kinda got a little bit popy but still only when i eat out wich is less than once a month) i am almost compleatly off alcohol and chips are a no go. but the funny thing is these are all changes that i made not meaning to make them. i just kinda went off a lot of stuff. i would read and read about all the changes and got so excited and the next thing i knew i was not wanting chips. and i was leaving behind all sorts of carbs. i was stocking up on protien snacks. the only thing i wanted to be at before now was eating more eggs. i like eggs but i am not in the habit of making them. i tend to buy a dozen (actually even a half dozen) and they go bad. so i am not at my egg level yet. but i have time to pick that up as a habit. 

i just feel that i am ready. nervous yes, but ready. its time for the big changes that make this so worthwhile. i want a little support is that too much to ask?


so where are we?

Jun 10, 2017

Oh yes, surgery in a little less than 3 months. 

i am excited. I will admit it was a bit of a weebly wobbly time with my dad, and helping my mom through her grief and me going through my grief. but now i feel that i can shed those few pounds i gained back and go forward with the surgery and the life change. 

i know, i mean i know in my heart that i should not  have let my dads passing ruin my weight loss goals. (not that i think I should have proceeded with the surgery 2 days after his death) but i think that i should have had a better handle on my eating and drinking. though the drinking, it was odd. from about last october i was really turned off alcohol. it was only litteraly the beginning of June that i took to having a bit of sangria with supper. i was hoping that the being off alcohol would be helpful in my journy as (from what i have read) you should not drink after surgery i mean it is wasted calories and besides that it is stronger they say. the affects are stronger i mean. 

so September 5th. i have my date. it is finally set and coming and i am so excited. so very excited. 

back on track and ready to rumble. 


thank you all who read this for your ongoing support.



More on dad. just a little wee vent.

Mar 21, 2017

I am going through with the surgery. i asked my father and mother if they were ok with it. the reason i blog this is that i feel like i am never going to get through to them, especailly my mother, that i am a grown person able to handle stress and dire news. 

my father flatlined last week. that was why my sister was so down on my surgery and my relatives were all cross with me because i was not understanding my mothers extreme stress.

don't get me wrong he was reccessetated and he is back in ccu now. he is better than anyone thought he would be. but he is still stressfull. i was so upset about my mothers depression and anxiety i took a cab from work on friday to my mums house and cried the whole way to her place. i was so worreid and convinced i would have to cancel my surgery. i was so dissapointed. 

but she said nothing was wrong she was just having a blue day. i belived her until that night when my sister said casually "well after dad died..." and my jaw hit the floor. 

my mom told everyoen there that she forgot to tell me in teh head of the moment. 

but later told me she didnt want me to give up work for this. i was like 'this' is more important than work. 

anyway. just needed to get it off my chest. 





Feb 08, 2017

So my father ( who for you who are following along at home had a heart attack christmas day and a quad bypass three days later) had two strokes so i was back with my mum in scarborough. 

i only have had a few moments where i have been able to work on my recipes and planning. and all my books are at my mums i start opti in about a month. a little over. i am super excited. it is almost time. i look at the calendar and see my date growing closer and closer. 

i have been shopping for high protien lean foods. and trying different things. cheeses and greek yohgurts. different typesof eggs. all sorts of things like that. 


i am sorry i have not been here. i have been so busy with the hospital and so busy taking care of my mum. it has just been impossible to multitask. i have been taking care and counting my calorites every day but i know this is rather a bit of a test can i keep the focus off eating junk can i keep myself healthy while crisis exists. i must say i am proud of myself. i have been below my calorie goal every day. well almost every day i had a mucho burrito yesterday and even though i tried to keep it healthy i did have cheese and guac on it. the tracker said i was still under but i know how high calorie burritos are. 

1 comment

little quiver of nerves

Jan 29, 2017

so, little bit nervous. it is coming. less than two months now. THE SURGERY. i know it seems silly to fuss and i have been looking forward to this for some time. and i also feel that this is the best thing for me and will be a new chapter in life for me. i AM excieted. but a little scared. all surgery comes with risks. so I am a bit worried. 

I am also worried because my father just had a quad bypass. and he had problems waking up from it. kidney failure and an infection. and when my mom had her knee surgury last year she had a terrible reaction to T3s . i know my partents experiences will not necissarily be mine. but it is something to think aobut. the surgeon i spoke to seemd confidnet about my chances. even said i was a healthy canditate. so i have that going for me. 

i thank heavens for all of you here. (even if no one reads this but me) i will probably make a post about it eventually. but it is so nice to hear befores and afters. it is great to see photos and hear stories. both good and bad. it is nice not to feel alone. that is one thing that i dont feel going through this is alone. everyone on OH is super great about makeing you feel part of a community. 

i know i said i was nervous but it is not enough nervous to make me quit. i have come this far. i have done this much. it is too late to back out now i would regret it for the rest of my life. i need to do this. i want to do this. it is time, past time, to do this. 

ok deep breath lets look up some opti reciepes 


lost a little more pre surgery weight

Nov 21, 2016

Lost 4 pounds 

now i know a lot of that is due to depression and not wanting to eat. (see to exausted to cook and to frugal to order out all the time) and when i do eat i have been trying to do it healthy. 

not always succeeding but i am trying. i know my surgery is a long way off and in some ways i am glad i am dealing wtih this depression now and not right before or after sugery so my doctor and i have a chance to work out the kinks befor it is really difficult to do drug therapy 

so i am trying to have small positives. 

small but helpful positives.


Not sure if this counts as a co-morbidity but its on my mind

Oct 19, 2016

Today i go for a ct scan on my knee. i need to  have extensive reconstructive surgery on my knee. i know it is a problem that is seperate and yet goes along with my wieght. my knee would need this surgery if i was obese or not. but the weight i carry makes the joints weaker and the surgury more pressing. i have taken to using a cane. and i even have a walker. it sits in my condo mocking me with the fact that i am actually not to far from  using it. i know the weakness in my joints is from all this excess weight. i know that i would heal faster and be able to get stronger if i could just put less pressure on the joints after sugury.

my Psychiatrist suggested strongly that i wait six months between surguries. that i have the bariatric first and then do the knee. (the first knee the second is in a few years) i just want it all over with i want to start my new life i want to walk more than a few minutes at a time. i want to not spend the last 3 minutes of my walk home from work (a 6 minute walk) looking for somewhere to sit or pushing myslef to make it home. sometimes i cannot even make it up to my condo i have to sit in my buildings lounge and rest my knees. 

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i just want to be healthy. that is the whole reason for this surgery i want so desperatly to be healthy. i know my mental heath will never be more than Managed but i want my physical health to be well. i want to be well. is that so much to ask. 

15 pills a day. plus 3 vitamin d and 2 anti anxiety pills so 20 20 pills a day. im not even fourty for crissakes. its got to stop. i have to do this. i have to heal myself. no matter the cost. 


just needed a wee rant.. 




Extra Skin

Oct 07, 2016

I don't think it will bother me. but then i dont know. i mean i have some very specific areas of excess weight. i am not an all  over fat kinda gal. i have a large tummy, large double chin, and a bitof a broad back. but i have relitivly small hips, and practically skinny arms and legs (for my weight at least ) 

so in that respect i am rather concerned about having a hanging chin. that worries me. ok so I am a bit vain in that respect. I mean its not stopping me from having the surgery or anything but it may cause me to go to a plastic surgon. my partner is convinced i have the elastic skin of a twenty year old. not the potentially saggy skin of a fourty year old. she is the bloom of optimism i swear. she is so positive about this surgery i think i will bust if she is any more excited. 

but yes I do assume at the minimal i will have belly sag. i am not sure if it will be bad enough to need p.s. but i am betting it is. i have a huge belly. and i will have no doubt saggy boobs. which doesnt bug me as much as the chin. i can wear a bra. heck i can rollem up and stuff em if necissary. but the chin is just so there. and i have already noticed that my face now has frown lines from fat deposits. it is an effort to make myself smile. i mean i smile and am happy but it doenst look like it. that is disappointing i am a generally happy person. even wtih the Bi polar. i am still very happy generaly. i am stable at the moment (have been mostly stable for the last 10 years ) so there are no reasons for me to have dour lines it makes me grumpy about my face becuase i was very pretty when i was young. it annoys me that i may have eaten my way away from pretty and made permanent changes to my face that even this surgery may only deepen. I am worried about this in a quiet way i havent told anyone about (except my exceptionally "dont worry about it its nothing you are always beautiful, i dont care" girlfriend.) 



I am not 

end of the world

moaning and knashing of teeth. just kinda 

i dont know. sad. that it has come to this. 

i dont expect to look pretty after this surgery but at least my health will be better. that is the whole point of this debacle anyway to get healthy. 

i cant look any worse than i do now anyway. 


Sorry this got really maudlin. i did not intend that. i just got carried away. 



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Aug 24, 2016
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