More on dad. just a little wee vent.

Mar 21, 2017

I am going through with the surgery. i asked my father and mother if they were ok with it. the reason i blog this is that i feel like i am never going to get through to them, especailly my mother, that i am a grown person able to handle stress and dire news. 

my father flatlined last week. that was why my sister was so down on my surgery and my relatives were all cross with me because i was not understanding my mothers extreme stress.

don't get me wrong he was reccessetated and he is back in ccu now. he is better than anyone thought he would be. but he is still stressfull. i was so upset about my mothers depression and anxiety i took a cab from work on friday to my mums house and cried the whole way to her place. i was so worreid and convinced i would have to cancel my surgery. i was so dissapointed. 

but she said nothing was wrong she was just having a blue day. i belived her until that night when my sister said casually "well after dad died..." and my jaw hit the floor. 

my mom told everyoen there that she forgot to tell me in teh head of the moment. 

but later told me she didnt want me to give up work for this. i was like 'this' is more important than work. 

anyway. just needed to get it off my chest. 

 

6days 

4 comments

excited

Feb 08, 2017

So my father ( who for you who are following along at home had a heart attack christmas day and a quad bypass three days later) had two strokes so i was back with my mum in scarborough. 

i only have had a few moments where i have been able to work on my recipes and planning. and all my books are at my mums i start opti in about a month. a little over. i am super excited. it is almost time. i look at the calendar and see my date growing closer and closer. 

i have been shopping for high protien lean foods. and trying different things. cheeses and greek yohgurts. different typesof eggs. all sorts of things like that. 

 

i am sorry i have not been here. i have been so busy with the hospital and so busy taking care of my mum. it has just been impossible to multitask. i have been taking care and counting my calorites every day but i know this is rather a bit of a test can i keep the focus off eating junk can i keep myself healthy while crisis exists. i must say i am proud of myself. i have been below my calorie goal every day. well almost every day i had a mucho burrito yesterday and even though i tried to keep it healthy i did have cheese and guac on it. the tracker said i was still under but i know how high calorie burritos are. 

1 comment

little quiver of nerves

Jan 29, 2017

so, little bit nervous. it is coming. less than two months now. THE SURGERY. i know it seems silly to fuss and i have been looking forward to this for some time. and i also feel that this is the best thing for me and will be a new chapter in life for me. i AM excieted. but a little scared. all surgery comes with risks. so I am a bit worried. 

I am also worried because my father just had a quad bypass. and he had problems waking up from it. kidney failure and an infection. and when my mom had her knee surgury last year she had a terrible reaction to T3s . i know my partents experiences will not necissarily be mine. but it is something to think aobut. the surgeon i spoke to seemd confidnet about my chances. even said i was a healthy canditate. so i have that going for me. 

i thank heavens for all of you here. (even if no one reads this but me) i will probably make a post about it eventually. but it is so nice to hear befores and afters. it is great to see photos and hear stories. both good and bad. it is nice not to feel alone. that is one thing that i dont feel going through this is alone. everyone on OH is super great about makeing you feel part of a community. 

i know i said i was nervous but it is not enough nervous to make me quit. i have come this far. i have done this much. it is too late to back out now i would regret it for the rest of my life. i need to do this. i want to do this. it is time, past time, to do this. 

ok deep breath lets look up some opti reciepes 

6 comments

lost a little more pre surgery weight

Nov 21, 2016

Lost 4 pounds 

now i know a lot of that is due to depression and not wanting to eat. (see to exausted to cook and to frugal to order out all the time) and when i do eat i have been trying to do it healthy. 

not always succeeding but i am trying. i know my surgery is a long way off and in some ways i am glad i am dealing wtih this depression now and not right before or after sugery so my doctor and i have a chance to work out the kinks befor it is really difficult to do drug therapy 

so i am trying to have small positives. 

small but helpful positives.

4 comments

Not sure if this counts as a co-morbidity but its on my mind

Oct 19, 2016

Today i go for a ct scan on my knee. i need to  have extensive reconstructive surgery on my knee. i know it is a problem that is seperate and yet goes along with my wieght. my knee would need this surgery if i was obese or not. but the weight i carry makes the joints weaker and the surgury more pressing. i have taken to using a cane. and i even have a walker. it sits in my condo mocking me with the fact that i am actually not to far from  using it. i know the weakness in my joints is from all this excess weight. i know that i would heal faster and be able to get stronger if i could just put less pressure on the joints after sugury.

my Psychiatrist suggested strongly that i wait six months between surguries. that i have the bariatric first and then do the knee. (the first knee the second is in a few years) i just want it all over with i want to start my new life i want to walk more than a few minutes at a time. i want to not spend the last 3 minutes of my walk home from work (a 6 minute walk) looking for somewhere to sit or pushing myslef to make it home. sometimes i cannot even make it up to my condo i have to sit in my buildings lounge and rest my knees. 

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i just want to be healthy. that is the whole reason for this surgery i want so desperatly to be healthy. i know my mental heath will never be more than Managed but i want my physical health to be well. i want to be well. is that so much to ask. 

15 pills a day. plus 3 vitamin d and 2 anti anxiety pills so 20 20 pills a day. im not even fourty for crissakes. its got to stop. i have to do this. i have to heal myself. no matter the cost. 

 

just needed a wee rant.. 

 

ttfn

8 comments

Extra Skin

Oct 07, 2016

I don't think it will bother me. but then i dont know. i mean i have some very specific areas of excess weight. i am not an all  over fat kinda gal. i have a large tummy, large double chin, and a bitof a broad back. but i have relitivly small hips, and practically skinny arms and legs (for my weight at least ) 

so in that respect i am rather concerned about having a hanging chin. that worries me. ok so I am a bit vain in that respect. I mean its not stopping me from having the surgery or anything but it may cause me to go to a plastic surgon. my partner is convinced i have the elastic skin of a twenty year old. not the potentially saggy skin of a fourty year old. she is the bloom of optimism i swear. she is so positive about this surgery i think i will bust if she is any more excited. 

but yes I do assume at the minimal i will have belly sag. i am not sure if it will be bad enough to need p.s. but i am betting it is. i have a huge belly. and i will have no doubt saggy boobs. which doesnt bug me as much as the chin. i can wear a bra. heck i can rollem up and stuff em if necissary. but the chin is just so there. and i have already noticed that my face now has frown lines from fat deposits. it is an effort to make myself smile. i mean i smile and am happy but it doenst look like it. that is disappointing i am a generally happy person. even wtih the Bi polar. i am still very happy generaly. i am stable at the moment (have been mostly stable for the last 10 years ) so there are no reasons for me to have dour lines it makes me grumpy about my face becuase i was very pretty when i was young. it annoys me that i may have eaten my way away from pretty and made permanent changes to my face that even this surgery may only deepen. I am worried about this in a quiet way i havent told anyone about (except my exceptionally "dont worry about it its nothing you are always beautiful, i dont care" girlfriend.) 

sigh. 

 

I am not 

end of the world

moaning and knashing of teeth. just kinda 

i dont know. sad. that it has come to this. 

i dont expect to look pretty after this surgery but at least my health will be better. that is the whole point of this debacle anyway to get healthy. 

i cant look any worse than i do now anyway. 

Sigh

Sorry this got really maudlin. i did not intend that. i just got carried away. 

 

0 comments

weird

Oct 05, 2016

Today it seems surreal. i mean i know its coming, it is all i have thougth about day in and day out for months. every day thinking about the bright new shiney future i have ahead of me. 

but today i thought, with just a sliver of doubt."what if i change my mind?" I mean what if, at the eleventh hour i can;t go through with it. i have talked to people who have made it throught the vettign process and then backed out at the last minute. for things as inconsequential as not being able to gulp water anymore. or teh vanity of too many scars. they all sound like excuses. but really will i fall into that myself will i find a way out at the last moment?

i want this so badly. i read about it dream about it it is all i think about. but still, 

am i really ready?

 

3 comments

Been studying.

Sep 27, 2016

Got out my highlighters and my sticky notes and have been making a point of going through every booklet and book that i have on this surgery. i want notes, i want copious notes to prove to myself that i am ready for this. i knwo from the forums that my surgery will not be for some time. (if i am able to move on to the surgon vist after thursday) so many folk having surgery i thought i was thinking like January but it is looking more like March or April. I just want to get moving. I dont know if anyone else felt that way just an ache of anticipation. i just want to wake up ready to start a new life. i want see the results i want to feel the magic. (ok i know its hard work and not magic but it seems to sure help i mean it works for a lot of people. why not me?)

I had a long talk with my partner this weekend. we discussed things like attractivness, and lose skin, and jealousy and what not. all issues i have read about. i am not so obese that she has to take care of me but i know that some people feel useless after their partner loses a lot of weight. they feel jelouse and sometimes contemptuous about the person who has lost weight getting attention. She has promised me that if she feels any of those things we will discuss it together . so that was nice. i trust her. i really do. she loves me no matter what. and she loved me thinner and fatter. so i suppose i can trust her to be honest wtih me. we have been togehter for 18 years so I am pretty sure i know her well. but i am off to the forums to ask some questions about couples and thier experinces with weight loss surgery

2 comments

Sigh... junk food

Sep 22, 2016

How i will miss thee... 

bought a bag of chips yesterday. something i havent done in quite some time. does anyone know if these are too greasy? i would like to occasionally have a nibble of chips after surgury. like way after when on normal food. or do potato chips cause dumping syndrom? 

anyway on to the journalling. i kind of made a mish mash of my timing things this past weekend. i was staying at my parents and we didnt have super healthy meals. not usual for my mum. she is an advocate of super healthy eating. but my dad likes to eat out and my mom was super busy this weekend so we ended up with eating out and leftovers for the next few days. it is hard to track times with things like chinese food (another hard one for the future if anyone has any healthy post bariatric chinese food suggestions, {fluffy rice vs. fried etc} i would love to hear them

i did eat slower than ususal i know becuase i was not the first one done unusual for me. i am slowing down but need to work on some more 

i can see the road ahead will be difficult. i know that not everyone is going to be able to handle the change in my eating. and i know that only my mum and my partner will be willing to eat with me with the future restrictions without issue. my inlaws are so against this surgury. they say "but you like food" yes i do i tell them but i want to be helthy. more than i like food

i am on teterhooks waiting for the appointment with the dietician. one week today. this time next week i will have done my last pre surgery appointment. 

anyway off to the forums

8 comments

Lost 4 pounds and ready(?) for last appointment before surgon

Sep 16, 2016

 it happend again i went to adjust my title and i accidentally bumped myself into the forums and lost a whole blog post. 

i will have to be more careful. i will try to pull a repeat out of my hat (like an old timey magician with a rabbit of rambleing)

 

SO.. i lost 4 pounds bringing me down to 295 wich while good was not really a noteworthy loss. i tend to go up and down as i am sure some of you knwo the feeling. but i find that i have a renewed interest in geting the pounds down before surgury. even if it is just so i dont have to take three weeks of optifast. two would do me just fine thank you very much. not that i mind optifast all that much. it is not bad and i have some extracts and flavoured syrups that i can use to make it flavourful. still the less time on a liquid diet the better. i will be getting enough of that once i have my rou en y i am really thrilled that the slow eating is showing fruit. i find that i am full faster and dont eat as much as i once did. 

on another note i am getting prepared for my last appointment with the pre surgury clinic at Toronto western. this is the appointment that decides weather i can meet the surgon to book my surgery date. i want to do as much as possible to be ready. any adivce? should i buy more books? i have three that i bought with recipes and tips and notes and such on top of what the clinic gave me. which i have reviewed throughly. i have been eating small bites and timing my food. i have been tracking on two sites here and my fitness pal. i havent started excercising. i want to talk to the nutritionist about how i should go about that (i have very bad knees. and find walking without a cane hard even with a cane super hard and need many rests) any advice? my buildign has a gym and a pool. but i feel super self concious in a bathing suit right now. (again I am sure some of you can relate.)

is there any tips or advice anyone can give me for prepareing for this critical appointment?

 

Thanks in advance feel free to friend me

RCE884

0 comments

About Me
Location
44.3
BMI
Aug 24, 2016
Member Since

Before & After
rollover to see after photo
this is before... can't wait till the after
294lbs

Friends 4

Latest Blog 14

×