rce884

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so, little bit nervous. it is coming. less than two months now. THE SURGERY. i know it seems silly to fuss and i have been looking forward to this for some time. and i also feel that this is the best thing for me and will be a new chapter in life for me. i AM excieted. but a little scared. all surgery comes with risks. so I am a bit worried. 

I am also worried because my father just had a quad bypass. and he had problems waking up from it. kidney failure and an infection. and when my mom had her knee surgury last year she had a terrible reaction to T3s . i know my partents experiences will not necissarily be mine. but it is something to think aobut. the surgeon i spoke to seemd confidnet about my chances. even said i was a healthy canditate. so i have that going for me. 

i thank heavens for all of you here. (even if no one reads this but me) i will probably make a post about it eventually. but it is so nice to hear befores and afters. it is great to see photos and hear stories. both good and bad. it is nice not to feel alone. that is one thing that i dont feel going through this is alone. everyone on OH is super great about makeing you feel part of a community. 

i know i said i was nervous but it is not enough nervous to make me quit. i have come this far. i have done this much. it is too late to back out now i would regret it for the rest of my life. i need to do this. i want to do this. it is time, past time, to do this. 

ok deep breath lets look up some opti reciepes 

Lost 4 pounds 

now i know a lot of that is due to depression and not wanting to eat. (see to exausted to cook and to frugal to order out all the time) and when i do eat i have been trying to do it healthy. 

not always succeeding but i am trying. i know my surgery is a long way off and in some ways i am glad i am dealing wtih this depression now and not right before or after sugery so my doctor and i have a chance to work out the kinks befor it is really difficult to do drug therapy 

so i am trying to have small positives. 

small but helpful positives.

Today i go for a ct scan on my knee. i need to  have extensive reconstructive surgery on my knee. i know it is a problem that is seperate and yet goes along with my wieght. my knee would need this surgery if i was obese or not. but the weight i carry makes the joints weaker and the surgury more pressing. i have taken to using a cane. and i even have a walker. it sits in my condo mocking me with the fact that i am actually not to far from  using it. i know the weakness in my joints is from all this excess weight. i know that i would heal faster and be able to get stronger if i could just put less pressure on the joints after sugury.

my Psychiatrist suggested strongly that i wait six months between surguries. that i have the bariatric first and then do the knee. (the first knee the second is in a few years) i just want it all over with i want to start my new life i want to walk more than a few minutes at a time. i want to not spend the last 3 minutes of my walk home from work (a 6 minute walk) looking for somewhere to sit or pushing myslef to make it home. sometimes i cannot even make it up to my condo i have to sit in my buildings lounge and rest my knees. 

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i just want to be healthy. that is the whole reason for this surgery i want so desperatly to be healthy. i know my mental heath will never be more than Managed but i want my physical health to be well. i want to be well. is that so much to ask. 

15 pills a day. plus 3 vitamin d and 2 anti anxiety pills so 20 20 pills a day. im not even fourty for crissakes. its got to stop. i have to do this. i have to heal myself. no matter the cost. 

just needed a wee rant.. 

ttfn

I don't think it will bother me. but then i dont know. i mean i have some very specific areas of excess weight. i am not an all  over fat kinda gal. i have a large tummy, large double chin, and a bitof a broad back. but i have relitivly small hips, and practically skinny arms and legs (for my weight at least ) 

so in that respect i am rather concerned about having a hanging chin. that worries me. ok so I am a bit vain in that respect. I mean its not stopping me from having the surgery or anything but it may cause me to go to a plastic surgon. my partner is convinced i have the elastic skin of a twenty year old. not the potentially saggy skin of a fourty year old. she is the bloom of optimism i swear. she is so positive about this surgery i think i will bust if she is any more excited. 

but yes I do assume at the minimal i will have belly sag. i am not sure if it will be bad enough to need p.s. but i am betting it is. i have a huge belly. and i will have no doubt saggy boobs. which doesnt bug me as much as the chin. i can wear a bra. heck i can rollem up and stuff em if necissary. but the chin is just so there. and i have already noticed that my face now has frown lines from fat deposits. it is an effort to make myself smile. i mean i smile and am happy but it doenst look like it. that is disappointing i am a generally happy person. even wtih the Bi polar. i am still very happy generaly. i am stable at the moment (have been mostly stable for the last 10 years ) so there are no reasons for me to have dour lines it makes me grumpy about my face becuase i was very pretty when i was young. it annoys me that i may have eaten my way away from pretty and made permanent changes to my face that even this surgery may only deepen. I am worried about this in a quiet way i havent told anyone about (except my exceptionally "dont worry about it its nothing you are always beautiful, i dont care" girlfriend.) 

sigh. 

I am not 

end of the world

moaning and knashing of teeth. just kinda 

i dont know. sad. that it has come to this. 

i dont expect to look pretty after this surgery but at least my health will be better. that is the whole point of this debacle anyway to get healthy. 

i cant look any worse than i do now anyway. 

Sigh

Sorry this got really maudlin. i did not intend that. i just got carried away. 

Today it seems surreal. i mean i know its coming, it is all i have thougth about day in and day out for months. every day thinking about the bright new shiney future i have ahead of me. 

but today i thought, with just a sliver of doubt."what if i change my mind?" I mean what if, at the eleventh hour i can;t go through with it. i have talked to people who have made it throught the vettign process and then backed out at the last minute. for things as inconsequential as not being able to gulp water anymore. or teh vanity of too many scars. they all sound like excuses. but really will i fall into that myself will i find a way out at the last moment?

i want this so badly. i read about it dream about it it is all i think about. but still, 

am i really ready?

Got out my highlighters and my sticky notes and have been making a point of going through every booklet and book that i have on this surgery. i want notes, i want copious notes to prove to myself that i am ready for this. i knwo from the forums that my surgery will not be for some time. (if i am able to move on to the surgon vist after thursday) so many folk having surgery i thought i was thinking like January but it is looking more like March or April. I just want to get moving. I dont know if anyone else felt that way just an ache of anticipation. i just want to wake up ready to start a new life. i want see the results i want to feel the magic. (ok i know its hard work and not magic but it seems to sure help i mean it works for a lot of people. why not me?)

I had a long talk with my partner this weekend. we discussed things like attractivness, and lose skin, and jealousy and what not. all issues i have read about. i am not so obese that she has to take care of me but i know that some people feel useless after their partner loses a lot of weight. they feel jelouse and sometimes contemptuous about the person who has lost weight getting attention. She has promised me that if she feels any of those things we will discuss it together . so that was nice. i trust her. i really do. she loves me no matter what. and she loved me thinner and fatter. so i suppose i can trust her to be honest wtih me. we have been togehter for 18 years so I am pretty sure i know her well. but i am off to the forums to ask some questions about couples and thier experinces with weight loss surgery

How i will miss thee... 

bought a bag of chips yesterday. something i havent done in quite some time. does anyone know if these are too greasy? i would like to occasionally have a nibble of chips after surgury. like way after when on normal food. or do potato chips cause dumping syndrom? 

anyway on to the journalling. i kind of made a mish mash of my timing things this past weekend. i was staying at my parents and we didnt have super healthy meals. not usual for my mum. she is an advocate of super healthy eating. but my dad likes to eat out and my mom was super busy this weekend so we ended up with eating out and leftovers for the next few days. it is hard to track times with things like chinese food (another hard one for the future if anyone has any healthy post bariatric chinese food suggestions, {fluffy rice vs. fried etc} i would love to hear them

i did eat slower than ususal i know becuase i was not the first one done unusual for me. i am slowing down but need to work on some more 

i can see the road ahead will be difficult. i know that not everyone is going to be able to handle the change in my eating. and i know that only my mum and my partner will be willing to eat with me with the future restrictions without issue. my inlaws are so against this surgury. they say "but you like food" yes i do i tell them but i want to be helthy. more than i like food

i am on teterhooks waiting for the appointment with the dietician. one week today. this time next week i will have done my last pre surgery appointment. 

anyway off to the forums

 it happend again i went to adjust my title and i accidentally bumped myself into the forums and lost a whole blog post. 

i will have to be more careful. i will try to pull a repeat out of my hat (like an old timey magician with a rabbit of rambleing)

SO.. i lost 4 pounds bringing me down to 295 wich while good was not really a noteworthy loss. i tend to go up and down as i am sure some of you knwo the feeling. but i find that i have a renewed interest in geting the pounds down before surgury. even if it is just so i dont have to take three weeks of optifast. two would do me just fine thank you very much. not that i mind optifast all that much. it is not bad and i have some extracts and flavoured syrups that i can use to make it flavourful. still the less time on a liquid diet the better. i will be getting enough of that once i have my rou en y i am really thrilled that the slow eating is showing fruit. i find that i am full faster and dont eat as much as i once did. 

on another note i am getting prepared for my last appointment with the pre surgury clinic at Toronto western. this is the appointment that decides weather i can meet the surgon to book my surgery date. i want to do as much as possible to be ready. any adivce? should i buy more books? i have three that i bought with recipes and tips and notes and such on top of what the clinic gave me. which i have reviewed throughly. i have been eating small bites and timing my food. i have been tracking on two sites here and my fitness pal. i havent started excercising. i want to talk to the nutritionist about how i should go about that (i have very bad knees. and find walking without a cane hard even with a cane super hard and need many rests) any advice? my buildign has a gym and a pool. but i feel super self concious in a bathing suit right now. (again I am sure some of you can relate.)

is there any tips or advice anyone can give me for prepareing for this critical appointment?

Thanks in advance feel free to friend me

RCE884

So much hope i was working and had structure and was visiting and had structure and was eating with a timer and was doing really well. 

and then the weekend hit. and pow. all out the window. so upset. i mean how am i going to do this if i lack the diciplin to do it for two weeks in a row. i was so busy purging my room of all my stuff (4 green garbage bags and 17 regular garbage bags full of stuff gone) i was hot and tired and when my roommate asked i fi wanted anything not only did i ask for a cheesburger i inhaled the f++in thing. twice. saturday and sunday. here i am trying to make good chocies and i failed. i am so defeated right now. i know i should just get back on that horse and go but today was no better. i gotta get a grip. i need as much support as possible. i am so frustrated i with my own damn self. get a grip me. 

sorry this has been a bit of a pity party and i am just ranting a fair amount has anyone else slipped in there pre surgury prep 

oh and i know it is months off if i can even get approved for my surgon appointment from my nutritionist at the end of the month. on top of all of this i am trying to sleep with my cpap in. i make it to 3 am with a disrupted sleep and then i start coughing and have to take it off. anyone know if i can put regular water in it or if it has to be distilled?

have  great day everyone

Good afternoon. recieved my second and third amazon book in the mail today. well the ones specific to weight loss surgery. i got the two for dummies books. i am half way through the first. and i have just packed the second for the weekend away. (which i may not take i may stay home and work on shopping lists. ) i know i am miles away from my surgery date. (at least 4 months ) but i really want to show the nutritionist that i am makeing an effort and that there is no reason to put off seeing the surgon any longer. 

well except that i cant seem to sleep with my cpap on. really i just get dry throat and coghy and it is just terrible. i cant carry the distilled water from the pharmacy. so i cant fil the little resevoir to keep me ( i dont want to say it but it is the creepiest but most effective word  ) Moist (eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwww) at night. i just get dry throat otherwise. i have fairly minimal sleep apnea. i only need my machine on 4. but it is still something they could zing me on. i heard at the last appointment (nutrition class) that you have to sleep with it on for surgery. so tonight i am starting again to try and sleep with it on. why have i not tried last night? because i had to work early this morning and couldnt afford to be late. i am the holder of the keys at work. (well i have to be there when all the automatic door locks open. i dont have keys but i have to BE at work before anyone calmours in off the street and robbs the place. ) anyway i cant afford to sleep in, or be a wreck because i havent slept. 

on top of that i have restless leg. brought about by my medication, that if i dont fall asleep within 2 hours of taking i cannot sleep the rest of the night as i am kicking like a bucking bronco at the calgary rodeo. sigh. ah well. tonight i start the cpap

i will try to go to bed early and just sit and read with it on for a bit. they say that is the best way to get aclimatized to it. i dont know. i just hope i can overcome this stumbing block before the end of september.