6 months out!!

Mar 20, 2012

 I am down a total of 104 pounds and a BMI of 42 now!!  Am doing so many activities now that I haven't done in years and trying some I've never done. Still have about 86 pounds to go to get to my first goal weight of 180 then I will decide where to go from there.  The energy and feeling of being so mobile with no back pain anymore is amazing!  I hate the sagging extra skin and will need some plastic surgery eventually for sure to remove it.  All is well for now though, will cross that bridge when I get to it!!  

Now for the stressful stuff!!! My husband I believe is going through a midlife crisis. He decided about 4 months ago that he isn't in love with me anymore and really doesn't think he wants to be married either. No longer feels happy but doesn't know why. just thinks getting out of life with me will be the answer. Our marriage wasn't perfect but I never saw this coming. Up until that point he always told me he loved me and would see other couples going through this and say he was so glad we both believe marriage is forever and divorce is only an option if there is infidelity or abuse.  There is no other woman. He just claims to be confused and unhappy and does not believe counseling will help at all.  It blows me away that he is just ready to throw 20 years of marriage and a 22 year relationship down the drain without a fight or at least seeing if counseling could help.  Very devastating for me and our kids who are having a hard time understanding why he would do this to our family.  He had the sleeve surgery a little over a year ago himself and has since changed so much physically that I don't know if he's having such a hard time identifying with who he was and just wants to shed every memory of his former life and move on to a totally new life. I do not know what to think. I know this surgery sometimes does that to a person but I had such grand dreams of how life would be once the two of us had this done and were on our way to being healthier happier people together. I thought we'd be an unstoppable force.  I still have hopes of working things out but feel I am the only one with some hope.  Time will tell I suppose.
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12 weeks out

Dec 03, 2011

 Well, good stuff first!!  I am less than a pound away from losing 70 pounds total!  My BMI has dropped 11 points.  I am only 3 pounds away from being under 300 pounds again!!  That's been at least 6 years maybe 7 since I've been able to say that.  Clothes are all getting so loose.  I have a few things from what used to be tight that I can wear but making a trip to a second hand store is something I need to go check out.  That's a hardship I can deal with though!!  So funny how i never thought I could lose like this, being so used to weight loss failure, I had in the back of my doubting little mind that even with surgery there was no way anything could or would work for me.  I have to say that this time, I LOVE being wrong!!

I have adjusted to how I have to eat for the rest of my days and it is so funny how what I can't eat is becoming less of a focus and fueling my body with what it needs is becoming a more natural feeling.  I think being able to move around better and having more energy leaves me less time to sit around and think about food.  I like this person I am morphing into. Every once in awhile part of my mind still wants to sabbotage my efforts but i shut that bitch up in a hurry now!!!  LOL!!  Regular exercise is still a demon I am conquering.  I love moving around but need to find something besides walking that I can enjoy doing so that it isn't something I dread and put off doing.  Will be working on that exclusively in the days to come.

The emotional roller coaster part of this is mind blowing!! I have wonderful and supportive family and friends out there for which I am thankful.  Marriage issues that were there before and just swept under the rug because it was easier to soothe with food than to face head on are now being dealt with so we'll see what happens there.  I am 100 percent committed to doing whatever it takes to make it work but husband has what i think is some major depression that is not all related to marriage so until he works those out for himself I don't think he can work on the issues in the marriage.  I think it is possible to work anything out since there are no infidelity or abuse issues.  He says he's not happy and isn't sure he is in love with me. Feels very confused and has a hard time talking about it.  I am at peace with whatever happens since know where I went wrong and have been addressing that head on by being a better wife to him.  I feel like if I show him who I am becoming and what I can be then, even if it doesn't work out, I can hold my head high knowing I did all I could to save it.  Time will tell on this one and we both agreed we have the time to work on it and it won't be fixed overnight.  I just have to calm down and stop my need for instant results.  I have realized many good things about myself on this weight loss journey and many flaws that I need to work on.  I feel very hopeful about my personal future and have decided nothing will de-rail me on what i need to do for myself.  It felt so selfish to say that at first but I am coming to realize that sometimes making yourself a priority isn't a bad thing.  

My 3 month check up with the nutritionist and PA is in one week so here's hoping i hit below that 300 mark by then. I will bust butt to do it but am still proud of what I've accomplished so far even if I don't!! I win either way!!  Who knew I could do this!!!



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6 weeks out

Oct 18, 2011

 Wow, I thought I'd never get to this point!! Have been released to try and eat lots of different things now.  I am happy but it's a little scary, too.  Now, it's in my hands again.  I find myself thinking too much and fearing food.  What a mental weirdo I am!!  I definitely don't desire food in the same way as before.  I know it's not bad to enjoy food but I feel like if I allow myself to start enjoying it again that I will go off the deep end into food-a-palooza.  I'm sure I'll figure this all out.  I guess if I just pre-plan what I am going to eat every day and just eat what's on my list and call it good then I will be ok.  I am sure eventually all this will become automatic and won't consume my thought process as much as it does now.  Sometimes a fast forward button would be nice!!

On to the weight loss. Haven't lost much these last 2 weeks, only 4 pounds!  Was doing really crappy getting for getting in all my protein and wasn't getting in much calorie wise either.  I am feeling overall so much better now and over the last few days have been getting in a lot more of both so hopefully it will pick back up. I am trying not to stress too much about scale issues and don't want just the scale to rule my feelings.  So many positive things are happening as far as how clothes fit, rings fit, higher energy levels, walking uphill and still being able to carry on a conversation and breathe at the same time!!

Still need to exercise more. Not doing it consistantly enough so this week I will be working on improving that.  Got a little mad at my husband.  I don't mind him being encouraging about exercise but yesterday when he asked why I wasn't out there walking and suggested that I should be exercising every day(like I don't know that!!) and not skipping it, he proceeded to tell me that I will be a failure at this weight loss if I don't get it moving more.  Wow, had a little argument there!!  I appreciate the honesty and the push but NEVER call me a failure.  Then I was told I was too sensitive and I told him as a personal motivator he sucked.  Thought since he had the surgery in January he'd be my biggest supporter but he picked the wrong way to show it. So sorry that I'm not biking 16 miles every day yet like he is.  I told him our journeys are going to be different from each other. I feel the need to journal and go to support groups and he doesn't.  He prefers to work out with people from work when he gets out(he's 3rd shift) and not do it later with me.  We are starting to resent each other a little so we really have to work on getting on the same page.  I know they say this surgery can test relationships but I figured doing this together would make ours stronger.  What a wild ride this all is!!!
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4 week update

Oct 07, 2011

 Excited!! Just gt off the scale and am down another 12 pounds!!  I'm still at 328 but it beats being at my starting weight of 372.  So, 29 more pounds and I'll be out of the 300's and if I have anything to say about it, I will never be there again.  

The last 2 weeks have been up and down emotionally.  Protein is always a challenge and I work really hard at gettin as much other fluids in as I can.  Have been able to eat a lot of cream soups and was allowed to try things like deli meat this week and 1 or 2 ozs seems to stay down really good.  I ate too fast once and ended up throwing it back up. YUCK!!  Haven't tried eggs yet. Kind of scared with how many people say they get sick on them.  Cannot do another protein shake. I tried the other day and was gagging before I got it to my lips.  I am going to go to GNC and see if there is a tolerable one out there for me as I know I need more protein than what I am getting from the small amounts of food I am able to get in. That is my goal for the next week.  I go a few days early for my 6 week check up next week Thursday-about 5 days early- so I will be excited to see what other foods I can try to start adding since I am a little bored with the selections now.  Though I am learning to eat to live and not live to eat!!  My mind and how it thinks about food is slowly changing. I've accepted that there are certain foods that I may never be able to have but the trade off of losing all this extra weight off my body is starting to feel so worth it.  I always said I wanted control over what and how much  I put in my mouth and now I have that.  I hope to continue to mourn the loss of my comfort foods less and less and celebrate the new me more and more over the coming weeks. No one said this would be easy and the journey is only getting started but I think I'm off to a good beginning!! Will update again at the 6 week point!!!

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MY 2 WEEK POST SURGERY APPOINTMENT RESULTS

Sep 22, 2011

Well i was very happy with my 2 week appointment with nutritionist and the doctor.  I lost 16 pounds since day of surgery. Add that to the 16 pounds i lost 2 weeks befroe surgery and I am at 32 pounds down total!! I get to move on to the mushy foods and can start to use skim or 1 percent milk to mix my protein shakes. I am so excited to be off of the liquids only.  Although I had some malt o meal and could only eat a couple tablespoons but it tasted so good.  I tried cream of chicken soup today and again couldn't get much down but it tasted very good. I am having an easier time getting protein in since I can use milk and put in dry milk powder to add even more protein to stuff.  I am still getting nauseous easily and use my prilosec, the prescription anti nausea pills and gasX strips as needed.  The doctor told me the nausea should continue to fade out over time and to just be patient as this is still all only a couple weeks old.  Anyway. I am so glad I did this surgery. I have never lost this much at a time before and people say they can see it in my face already. It will take awhile to see body differences but I can already feel some of my clothes have more room in them than before. Trying to find all the little positives!!

                                                                 Michelle
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Almost 2 weeks out

Sep 18, 2011

 Wow!! It'll be 2 weeks on Tuesday since I decided to change my life forever and have the sleeve. It's been interesting. I am having a harder time choking down the protein shakes.  I am really so sick of the flavor of sweet stuff!! Never thought I'd catch myself uttering that!! I have some of the soups when I can't take the sweet but still the whole liquids thing is getting old. It would be nice to chew something!!  The closest I've come to chewing anything has been the protein jello which was a VERY strong raspberry flavor.  I said I would do whatever it takes and whatever they told me so I will continue being a good little soldier and trust the process that has helped so many succeed.

I am excited for my 2 week appointment on Wednesday. I am waiting until then to weigh in officially so I still don't really have any idea of what I've lost since the day of surgery when I weighed in at 356.2.  I have a long ways to go but it took me awhile to hit that number so I guess it's fair.  I am hoping to have done well these past two weeks weight loss wise. I lost 16 pounds the 2weeks before the surgery so hopefully at least that much would be cool!!

Had a few emotional moment over these last two weeks also. I think I am mourning to some degree the loss of food and how I used to eat.  Yet at the same time I am so glad I can no longer eat that way.  Very strange emotional tug of war.  I wonder if and how I will change as a person. Not just looks wise but will my personality be affected by looking and feeling like a different person. Will I ever see past "the fat person" I'm so used to seeing in the mirror.  I guess you take everything as it comes and it doesn't all happen at once or overnight. Well, I will post more after Wednesday's appointment.

                                                                                                          Michelle
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First week after surgery

Sep 12, 2011

 First week since surgery. Am getting in as much of the suggested 60 grams of protein as well as 64 ounces of liquid as I can.  Some days are easy and others I have to remind myself to just keep sipping on something from the time I get up til I go to bed!! I feel like I might float away but keep telling myself to just trust the process!!  I am not stepping on the scale til my 2week appointment on the 21st of September,2011.  I am not going to drive myself crazy with the scale at first. I heard sometimes with the swelling from surgery this first week that you can become discouraged stepping on the scale too quickly. I am determined to do this right and be a different weight loser than I have been in the past!!
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About Me
MI
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Surgery
09/06/2011
Surgery Date
Sep 01, 2011
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