Sep 02, 2014
Next week marks 9 months since surgery day. Before I went under the knife I wasn't even sure if this would work, but 120lb and 6 (soon to be 7) pants sizes smaller, I guess I've put that one to rest.
I feel like I've got things pretty well figured out, food-wise, but I've had a few days lately when I'm just sick of making what I can and can't eat such a big part of my life. I understand that's what "thin people" do, but all of that obsessing is draining. How much protein, how long until I can drink more water... I just want to feel normal again!
Normal is something I'm still grappling with as I adjust to being smaller. I haven't been this small in my entire adult (or teen, for that matter) life, and it's been a head trip. Example headspace: My thighs are squishy. Are thighs always supposed to be jiggly? Is that something normal people are used to?
I have no idea what normal is or should be at this weight-- or lower. My surgeon doesn't believe in weight goals, which is a good thing, but it's odd to have no clue where I'll end up. 160 is a good "first goal" that I never thought I'd meet. 150 sounds like a nice number in my head that I could totally live with and it would drop me smack-dab at a BMI of "normal" 25. The middle of "normal" would have me at around 130... but I think that would look weird, nobody believes I weigh as much as I do (more than one doctor has joked about my bones being laced with lead) and maybe that would be too small.
I'm almost in a size 6 from Old Navy, where I get all of my jeans, and my size medium tops are a bit baggy. If I lost another 30lb, I wonder if I might run out of sizes, then what?? Heck, I'm so used to buying new clothes a touch on the snug side since I've been shrinking out of them quickly enough, I don't even know how pants are supposed to fit. Do "regular" women have them baggy in spots? What am I supposed to aim for?
Finding a new normal has gotten easier when dealing with food, and way harder with my body. I really didn't have any body issues at 285lb, or perhaps not as many as I could/should(?) have, and I never thought there'd be any weirdness as I got smaller.
But honestly, those are problems I can deal with, since I've put a lot of problems behind me. This weekend, I wanted M&M's (whoo hormones plus changing psych meds!) so I got a package and ate less than half over the span of two hours. Before surgery, I would have picked up a king-size bag, eaten it a handful at a time, and still go looking for another snack an hour later. But a dozen M&M's as a "once in a great while" treat... I never would have imagined that I'd be fine with that, much less LIKE it!
So even though the scale has slowed way down-- like it usually does, like it's supposed to-- and maybe I haven't lost as quickly as others (and I know comparing is bad), but I think I'm doing a damned good job so far.