May 28, 2011
I have a fat head. I don't necessarily mean that my head is big.. it is. I just have this fat way of thinking lately. I weigh less right now that I have in about 25 years. Until now, I have felt skinny because I was SMO. Now, though, I have fat head. I walk around feeling fat. I'm not sure why this has caught up with me: I suspect some self esteem issues. I was looking in a couple of stores for clothes, which has been fun for me. The clothes in my size look too small. I was drawn to the plus sizes. Yikes!
I've been doing a lot of emotional eating. I have been pretty emotional.
I knew when I filed for divorce that my life would radically change, people would leave it. I didn't expect to have to divorce my church, which I am for all intents and purposes. I was told that I needed to "rest from worship". I am a musician and am passionate about worship, so resting sounds ridiculous to me. I told my pastor that this was a punitive act, that it quietly, but publicly shames me. I was told that they know best and I should trust them. I don't. So, a support system that I thought would be in place is not. I have taken my flute home and I am worshiping without a congregation. Call me stubborn if you want. I just thought this was an ill-timed insenstive thing for my pastor to do.
I love God. I'm not too thrilled with his people.
I am in a stall. This is no surprise given my eating. I am grateful not to have gained overall. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I have been through a lot the past few weeks and I just don't feel like pretending it's been okay.
Still, I wish you all the best on your journey.. Blessings.