Fat Head

May 28, 2011

I have a fat head.  I don't necessarily mean that my head is big.. it is.  I just have this fat way of thinking lately.  I weigh less right now that I have in about 25 years.  Until now, I have felt skinny because I was SMO.  Now, though, I have fat head.  I walk around feeling fat.  I'm not sure why this has caught up with me:  I suspect some self esteem issues.  I was looking in a couple of stores for clothes, which has been fun for me.  The clothes in my size look too small.  I was drawn to the plus sizes.  Yikes!

I've been doing a lot of emotional eating.  I have been pretty emotional. 

I knew when I filed for divorce that my life would radically change, people would leave it.  I didn't expect to have to divorce my church, which I am for all intents and purposes.  I was told that I needed to "rest from worship".  I am a musician and am passionate about worship, so resting sounds ridiculous to me.  I told my pastor that this was a punitive act, that it quietly, but publicly shames me.  I was told that they know best and I should trust them.  I don't.  So, a support system that I thought would be in place is not.  I have taken my flute home and I am worshiping without a congregation.  Call me stubborn if you want.  I just thought this was an ill-timed insenstive thing for my pastor to do. 

I love God.  I'm not too thrilled with his people.

I am in a stall.  This is no surprise given my eating.  I am grateful not to have gained overall.  I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I have been through a lot the past few weeks and I just don't feel like pretending it's been okay.

Still, I wish you all the best on your journey.. Blessings.


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May 28, 2010
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