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Weight: 216
12/16/11

It's been many months since I've posted here and I've missed it here.  The last 6+ months have been an insane crazy whirlwind of events.  I separated from my husband in July and he moved to his own place.  I had to deal with being a single mother, full time worker and full time student, and all of the changes that come with a great deal of weight loss.

I also started a new job in August, had a friend commit suicide, and lost my Aunt.  I just sold my home last monday. I began dating again after a decade of being with the same person and found it was a roller coaster ride of emotion for me.  I discovered that I have an extremely hard time with being alone and dealt with anxiety over that.

My husband still wants to be with me and has been trying very hard, but I just feel like there are some things that are still the same and will never change.  It can be fun to meet new people but the rejection that goes along with dating people can be very difficult on the ego.  Especially when I spent a long time with a husband who neglected me and controlled me and my self esteem suffered greatly.

When we finally separated I went a little bit crazy, because I felt like I had been let out of prison.  The prison of a bad relationship coupled with the prison of living in a huge body that couldn't do the things I really wanted to do!  I started making regular trips to L.A., bought a Mustang convertible, and dated more guys than I could keep up with.

I went and bought lots of clothes, went horseback riding and did lots of dancing.  I felt a little too wild at times, but I calmed down after a few months of getting it out of my system.  I consulted with a plastic surgeon and he said I'm ready for a lower body lift, boob job and nose job!  While I want to lose a bit more weight, he said that the skin on my abdomen is just skin and I'm ready!

I'm at 36% body fat so while I'm still heavy weight wise, I'm in a size 16 and I have a large frame and a lot of muscle.  I would only want to lose 20 pounds more anyway, not including the amount of skin the surgeon will take off.  I was thrilled because I was sure he'd tell me to go lose more and come back in 3 months.

We agree that I'll feel much better about my body after all this is over with.  With the sale of my home I'll have the money for the surgery and plan to schedule it some time in february.  I'm so nervous about the pain of all that, but at the same time I'm ready to feel "complete"  while my arms and thighs could probably use some work too, I think the other stuff will make a bigger difference to me.

I'm going to try and spend more time on OH now that things have settled down a bit for me and I'm on holiday break from school for the next month. 

Weight: 245
4/6/11

DISCLAIMER:  I'm in a funk so if you are looking for inspiration or motivation, you'll want to stop reading now.  I am writing this as a way to vent in the hopes of finding catharsis in getting my feelings out in a journal form.

It is unfortunate that I can't speak completely freely on my blog, as some of this might make more sense and would be even more cathartic, but I'll share what I can.  Some folks who know me IRL may read this and know what I am talking about.  First I'd like to talk about Ms. E.  I consider one of the most beautiful things in life spiritual connections; when you connect with someone and they truly get you.

I am a complex person and it is rare for me that I find someone who really "gets" me.  Sometimes I share things with people that are private.. I sit back and wait for that lightbulb to go on.. for them to sense all of the things I didn't say.. for them to understand what I didn't say, but rarely does it happen.

When I met Ms. E. I found myself sharing some of my deepest innermost feelings.  Not only did she understand, but she understood so deeply that she saw all the implications of the things I shared with her.  I could tell her one thing and she understood by extension all of the things that went with that.  She understood all of the things I didn't say and even things I hadn't even considered before.  For me it was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had.

For example one of the things I have learned about myself in the past few years is that the experiences of my childhood have indelibly written on the slate of my life.. they are ever present and define who I am.  When I was very young I was rejected by other children.

In my heart of hearts I love people.. I love to listen to them and talk to them and watch them.. I am a very social creature.  But people didn't love me because I was not a cute kid.. I was an ugly pudgy child.  I always had a love for myself and high self esteem, but it was hard to maintain at times because my external reality did not match my internal beliefs. 

It hurt tremendously to realize that people couldn't see my inner beauty because they were so focused on exteriors.  They couldn't see the beauty of my spirit and it hurt and it shaped who I am.  To this day I can't judge people for their looks because I know how it feels to be judged that way.. it is incredibly painful.

I also couldn't date people because of their looks.. I felt obligated to get to know just about any man that approached me because I learned early on that attraction was not always just something I could see.

I didn't want to reject a man the way some men might have rejected me for my looks, so I kept an open mind and an open heart. I'm so glad that I did learn this lesson, because I have dated some wonderful men in my life.  To be honest some of them I was not initially attracted to just by looking at them.

But I learned that attraction that is just felt with your eyes is the most shallow of attractions.. it can not match the attraction of spirits. It can not match the attraction that one feels when they close their eyes and FEEL someone's passion and their spirit.  I found that often times while I might not be attracted by sight, I would definitely be attracted in other ways and eventually that became more important to me.

There are so many more senses to use that it's a wonder why we are so reliant on our eyes... touch, taste, smell, sound, the mind.. for me that is where attraction lies.  There is nothing more attractive to me then someone with the desire and knowledge to please, and that has nothing to do with looks. But alas, it seems rare that people really truly live or feel that way, at least in my experience.

I also have many challenges going on in my life.  I often don't write on my blog because if I am honest I think that nobody could possibly be interested in my life.  It's mostly boring hard work and struggles, and I have fears that if I share what my life is really like, people won't like me because they'll think I'm just whiny and boring.

People like the fun, funny, positive people.. and well that's just not me at this point in my life.   As optimistic, passionate and hard working as I usually am, even I have times where the struggles of life seem overwhelming and draining and it seems impossible to keep my spirit up. I am the one always helping others, and have a hard time asking for help myself.

I am working hard towards my goals and it fills all of my time.. it's so hard to do every day and isolating.  I get up in the morning and go to the gym.  Then I go to work, and spend my lunch break running errands.  I go back to work and then I come home and spend time with my son and take care of him.

Then when he goes to bed I work on homework until I am ready to fall asleep.  If I'm lucky on the weekends I get a chance to go out with friends or do something fun, but not all the time.  I usually have to kill two birds with one stone when I go out with friends, like combine friend-time with exercise time or time spent with my son or something similar.

Every day is a struggle to motivate myself.. it is hard to go so long without pleasure or passion or excitement.. those are truly the things that to me make life worth living.  Those are the things that people want to hear about.. those moments where you are truly enjoying life and not just working all the time.. but those moments are rare and few and far between for me.

What Ms. E understood about all of this, is how incredibly hard it is to live such a monastic life.  She understood by extension that amidst all of my work, I've also eschewed much of the pleasures of food as well, in order to achieve long term goals.  Rather than see me as a bad person or obsessed, she sees the passion, discipline and determination that I truly feel are the driving forces behind my behaviors, not obsession. I feel that she truly sees ME and understands me on such a deep level.

So while I didn't write this blog for her, if Ms. E should happen to read this.. thank you... I'm sure you understand, as you have everything else about me, how much it has meant for me to be understood by you. I am incredibly thankful for you.

Here are some of my recipes that are helping me lose weight.  They are all high protein, low fat/calorie/carb and very filling.  I call these sleeve buster recipes because they really are so dense and are the very opposite of slider foods!

These are meant to be made in the quantity specified which will last at least a day for most sleevers.. many more than a day.  Which makes them perfect for tracking calories.  If you are having trouble getting in enough protein/calories for the day, these recipes are probably NOT for you.  

These are more designed for those who are trying to get high protein without a lot of calories or who find that they eat too frequently or for people who need help with having something less "damaging" to graze on.  For many a very small amount of these recipes will fill them  up!

I'm not a fancy or great cook, but I can give you a base of good nutrition that will help with weight loss and help you with the healthiest recipes. Then if you have some skills you can improve on my recipes.  I welcome suggestions on improving these recipes as they are more focused on being basic, simple and geared towards health and weight loss, rather than being super-tasty. So please email me if you think of anything healthy and tasty to do to modify these recipes.

Enjoy!

I wanted to share this recipe which is low carb, low calorie, with a lot of
protein, and just a great  simple dessert that's easy to make. It comes out very light yet creamy tasting:


Almond Flavored Protein Pudding

Ingredients

    * 1 scoopfuls Zero Carb Isopure Vanilla (or your choice of protein powder)
    * 1 envelope Gelatine, Unflavored
    * 1/4 cup Water
    * 1/4 cup Davinci Caramel Syrup Sugar Free
    * 1 1/2 cups Unsweetened Almond Milk

Directions

Mix gelatin with water. Mix together almond milk and caramel syrup and bring to a boil. Combine with the gelatin mixture and protein powder and blend in food processor. Pour into a pan or mold sprayed with nonstick cooking spray. Refrigerate until set. For variation, try different flavored syrups or adding chocolate powder.


Whole Recipe Yields:

Calories 185
Fat 5g
Sodium 405mg
Total Carbohydrate 3g
Dietary Fiber 1.5g
Sugars 0g
Protein 34.5g

Recipe Calculation:
http://www.livestrong.com/recipes/protein-pudding-sublimate/

Fiesta Turkey Meatballs Recipe

I don't particularly like some of the typical meatball recipes as there are a) too many ingredients for lazy people like me b) too many carbs for me, and c) not the best nutritional content. Here's my recipe for meatballs that are very low sodium, carbs, calories, and high on protein.  Very simple, healthy and yummy (to me).

Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cooking Time: 20 minutes
Serves: 25
Yield 1 meatballs

Ingredients

* 24 oz Fresh Ground Turkey Lean 93/7
* 2 eggs
* 1 cup Mixed Pepper Strips - red, green, yellow, diced (I use frozen)
* 1 cup Diced Onions (I use frozen)
* 2 tsp Organic Garlic Salt
* 2 tsp Onion Powder (organic)
* 1 tsp Ground Coriander Seed
* 1 tsp Paprika

Directions

Blend everything except peppers and onions in the food processor. Mix in diced peppers and onions. Form into balls 1.5 oz each. I use a scale to weigh each meatball and to make sure that I can calculate calories properly and that all meatballs are evenly sized for even cooking.

Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes

Per meatball:

51 calories
0.37 grams carb
5.5 grams protein
2.4 grams fat

Chicken salad

(All solid measurements weighed on scale)

14 oz boneless skinless chicken breast grilled and diced
1 cup fage greek yogurt
7 oz fresh pico de gallo
1/4 cup lemon juice
6 oz diced celery
Sea salt to taste
garlic powder to taste
onion powder to taste
Optional paprika to taste

Mix all ingredients well and serve. You can exchange diced cucumber for celery for variety with little effect on the carb/calorie count.

I like the texture of the chicken salad to be a little bit less chunky most of the time so I used the food processor for this.  Pulse chicken in food processor until shredded. Pulse celery until diced. Mix together all ingredients.

Recipe Calculations:
http://www.livestrong.com/recipes/chicken-salad-sublimate/

 Calories     570.74
Fat    8.43
Carbs    29.83
Protein    99.66


Chicken Salad variation (less bulky and a bit sweeter)

12 oz boneless skinless chicken breast grilled and diced
1 cup fage greek yogurt
1 cup grapes sliced
1/4 cup slivered almonds
1-2 packets splenda or dash stevia to taste

Mix all ingredients well and serve

Calories    692
Fat    22.8
Carbs    30.8
Protein    95.58

Beef Jerky

I wanted to share my beef jerky recipe.  I recently started doing beef jerky again and it's a great snack because it's low carb/calorie and high protein, and easy to keep around.  But most commercial varieties are really high in sodium, sugar and have added chemicals so I make my own at home.  Thought I'd share my recipe.

2.5 pounds ground beef lean (93/7 used but 96/4 is better)
1.5 tsp sea salt
4 tsp ground ginger
4 tsp onion powder
3/4 tsp Now stevia
2 tsp granulated garlic
1 tsp cayenne pepper (optional for spicy jerky)

Mix ingredients in food processor so that the spices get mixed well, and the ground beef has a consistency sort of like playdough.  This seems to be the key to having it come out of the jerky gun in a nice consistency so this step is important.  Load up jerky gun and extrude jerky and dehydrate until desired consistency.

I measured out .5 pound of jerky dough for each tray so that I could measure out the calories correctly, then put one tray in a separate baggie so I have 5 baggies with .5 pound each of meat (after dehydrating it went from exactly 8oz to 3.5 oz in weight).

340 calories per bag but would be less if I had been able to find the 96/4 ground beef (my grocery store was out). 46 grams of protein per baggie.

Note: If you do NOT have a dehydrator, you can put your oven on its lowest setting, leaving the door slightly ajar, and lay these out on cookie sheets and get the same results!


Beef Jerky 2

2.5 pounds lean london broil
1.5 tsp sea salt
4 tsp ground ginger
4 tsp onion powder
3/4 tsp Now stevia
2 tsp granulated garlic
3 tsp onion powder
1 cup water

Freeze london broil for 1-2 hours so that it is firm and easier to slice thinly.  Slice thin with electric meat slicer or knife.  Mix meat and all other ingredients in plastic bag and massage inside plastic bag to mix well.  Marinate 6+ hours.  After marinating lay marinated strips on dehydrator racks and dry to desired consistency.

Note:  This version makes much harder, denser beef jerky. If you find that you can eat more than you like of the softer version above and or prefer a denser beef jerky, this is the recipe for you.

Low-Carb Doughnuts

They taste like doughnuts, and you fry them up like doughnuts, but they taste more like churros. Unfortunately, they don't keep well -- plan to eat them within a few hours of making them.  These are great for at TREAT and not an every day thing, but if you are really needing a sweet fix these are a good choice compared to the real thing!

Ingredients:

    * 1/2 cup whey protein powder (Vanilla works well. I used Designer Protein when I made these.)
    * 1/4 tsp cinnamon (rounded)
    * 2 tsp baking powder
    * 1/8 tsp salt
    * 2 Tbsp almond milk
    * 1 egg
    * 2 Tbsp water
    * 1/4 cup splenda
    * Coconut Oil (for frying)
 
    * For Topping:
    * 3 TBSP Splenda
    * 1/2 TBSP cinnamon

Preparation:
1. TOPPING: Mix sweetener with cinnamon, whiz in food processor to make "powdery", and set aside.

2. Whisk dry ingredients together. Whisk egg with other wet ingredients, add to dry ingredients, and whisk to combine well.

3. Fill a deep skillet, cast-iron pan, or dutch oven with about 1½ inches of oil and heat. I find that using a fry/candy thermometer that clips onto the side of the pan is helpful for determining when the oil is ready, but you can estimate by dropping small amounts of the batter in -- it should sizzle fairly vigorously.

4. When oil reaches around 350 to 360 F, drop tablespoon-sized amounts of batter into the oil. The batter will spread and puff up. If you let the oil go higher than about 375 F, the batter will fry quickly, leaving you with more of a funnel cake than a doughnut. (This, of course, is not a big tragedy.)

5. When the underside browns (about a minute, give or take 20 seconds for temperature variation), turn the doughnut. In another 30 to 45 seconds, it will be ready to remove. I like cooling them on a cake rack sitting in a sheet pan. If you place them on paper towels, be sure not to let them sit too long, as they will lose their crunchy outside.

6. Sprinkle sweetener and cinnamon mixture over both sides of the doughnuts.

Makes 12 doughnuts, each about 2½ inches in diameter.

Nutritional Information: Each serving has less than a gram effective carbohydrate and 2 grams protein. Each doughnut has 26 calories, prior to frying (total calories per doughnut is dependent on the amount of oil absorbed.)

Weight: 263
2/1/11

Today I am just 3 pounds shy of losing 100 pounds since my surgery date.  It would have been cool to have lost it by 6 months but close enough.  Here is a break down of my weight and pounds lost over the past 6 months:

Month 0 - 360 (surgery weight)
Month 1 - 338 (-22)
Month 2 - 317 (-21)
Month 3 - 305 (-12)
Month 4 - 294 (-11)
Month 5 - 283 (-11)
Month 6 - 266 (-17)

This past month my weight loss has picked up and I am thrilled.  I think there are two reasons for this.  One is that I got a bodybugg and have been tracking my calories burned and it has motivated me every day this past month to burn even more daily.

So when I upload my data and see if I have met my calorie goal for the day, if I haven't I am motivated to do something like cleaning or play my PS3 Move or go out shopping so I can meet my goal for the day.  I try to burn 3000 calories per day and sometimes by 8pm I can see I have burned 2800, so then I do something active so I can burn another 200 for example.

The other extremely helpful thing has been following Elina's suggestions about drinking tea between meals and preparing super low carb/calorie meals that fill me up without a lot of damage.  This has helped me lower my calorie count significantly, and I feel so much better about my chances now.

I thought I would be one of those people who could only eat a few bites and be done, and I saw other people eating full fat stuff and saying their calories were still low.  I didn't think the volume I was eating was any more than them.

It took me a while to get adjusted to tracking my calories after a hiatus and when I finally got  back on track I was rather upset to see that I had been eating so many calories when I wasn't paying attention.

It reminds me again that daily weighing and tracking both my calories burned and consumed will be an important part of my plan and will keep me out of denial.  I still have many things I struggle with and I'm still doing lots of work on my behaviors but at least I feel I have made some important progress.

Weight: 268
1/25/11

Today I am exactly 6 months out (26 weeks) from my VSG.  I've lost 92 pounds since surgery which is an average of a little more than 3.5 pounds a week.  Combined with my pre-op weight loss I've lost a total of 120 pounds (nice round number) and exactly 20 points from my BMI and I'm more than halfway to my goal!

I'm excited to see what the next 6 months bring..I need to get some new photos too!  I've gone from probably a size 36 or 5x (I only wore stretchy stuff so I'm not really sure) to a size 20.  I know a lot of people started at the same weight that I am now, but the perspective from here is that it is SOOO much better.

I'm much more active and have taken up rollerblading again which is exciting.  I go to the gym regularly and even run  a little bit now, when before I couldn't stand for more than 5 minutes at a time; what a difference!

I recently went out to a club and went dancing with a fellow OH member and had a great time.. something I hadn't done in years.  I am so grateful for this surgery and the opportunity it has given me to hope and have help, and in return I am helping my tool all that I can.

I was always a volume eater... for years I have followed low carb pretty faithfully, but it didn't matter much because I could sit down and literally eat 2 pounds of steak in a sitting.  I always felt like a bottomless pit.

Now post-op I still feel the urge to keep eating and eating, but then I physically can't.  I'm 6 months out today and I find I'm still adjusting to the new amounts I can eat.  To some degree my desire to overeat has morphed to the urge to eat frequently.. so as soon as my stomach is empty I want to eat more just so I can spend more time tasting my food.

Also even though I follow low carb, there are certain high calorie low carb foods I crave and tend to want to overeat on, and I can somewhat with the VSG because they are not dense foods.  These are high calorie nuts, full fat cheese and sugar free chocolate.

I allow myself to have these so that I can have some variety in my diet, but for me sometimes they amounts are harder to control because they are so yummy.  When a food is yummy to me it becomes exciting, like a party in my mouth, and then I want to keep having the party.

So to deal with that, I only keep the lesser exciting things in my house.  For example I keep sugar free hershey's chocolate in my house, and NOT the sugar free almond roccas or the russell stover coconut bars.  Because I like the hershey's the least, but I WILL eat it if I really need chocolate.

I can NOT keep cashews in the house, but I do keep pistachios and almonds in the house, and I WILL eat those if I'm really wanting nuts.  But I will try to stuff as much cashews in my sleeve as I can if I start eating those.

I also keep low fat string cheese and weight watchers swiss in the house, because I will eat those normally, but I can't keep full fat goat cheese mozzarella in the house (my favorite) so if I buy it I have to portion off what I will eat and throw the rest out.

I do not dance with the carbs at all, and I maintain abstinence from those and that really helps me.  I do say that I just don't do carby foods, and if I fall off the wagon I will just try to get right back on it again.

Weight: 280
12/28/10

It has been 6 weeks since I've updated my blog.  Despite continuing to lose weight, albeit slowly, I continue to have fears of failure and sometimes I don't want to write on the blog because I feel as if I'm just whining.  Do I really want to write down all this whiny stuff for people to read?

Don't I want to write uplifting positive stuff because I think that is what OTHER people want?  These thoughts show that even as I journal my OWN thoughts there is a strong people-pleaser vibe going on.  So I will try to just be true to my thoughts because this is MY journey and I need to write what I truly feel not what others want to read. I still have regular fears of failure.

I still daily think that I need to appreciate what I have lost and not hope for more.  I still see others who get to single digit sizes and think that won't be me.  I'm still too afraid to hope for success, no matter who believes in me, says I can do it.. I just don't believe it.  I know that I've put my heart, soul, blood sweat and tears into various weight loss efforts in the past.

I worked my ass off, once losing 150 pounds only to gain it all back.  Trying everything under the sun.  Once even fasting and NOT A SINGLE BITE FOR TWO ENTIRE MONTHS.. NOTHING BUT WATER!  Why should this attempt be anything different.. why should I wish for success when I'll just be disappointed as I have so many times in the past no matter how hard I tried?

So that's the negative stuff.. but for sure there is TONS of positive stuff for me to write about, that's real!  First off I am now in a size 22.. these are fitted pants that someone from my Dr.'s support group gave me that she outgrew.

I know people that weigh a lot less than me that are in size 22's, which I feel really shows how muscular I am and how much of my weight is muscle.  I've worked really hard on my weight lifting and fitness so I can't help but feel proud of my muscles. My body fat percentage is 48% with a lean body mass of 150, which means that even if I was zero body fat percent (which wouldn't happen) I'd STILL weigh 150.

I'm doing a lot of strength training so I don't want to lose any of my muscle.  Calculating what would take me to a "normal" body fat percentage if I ONLY lost fat and not any muscle, shows I'd weigh about 208 pounds at a normal body fat percentage.

I really want to get under 200, but is that possible or desireable while still keeping all my muscle mass?  I'd have to really get under a normal body fat percentage range and stretch myself or lose muscle mass (which may well happen anyway).  Well I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it... no sense looking that far into the future and not enjoying the here and now.

At my highest weight I couldn't stand or walk for long.  My mobility was so limited, there was so much I didn't do.  I wouldn't go to a movie that I'd fear would have a line.. I wouldn't be able to wait in the line.  I would send my husband grocery shopping for me, I'd hide at home as much as I could.

Just physically I was so limited... well not any more!  I'm actually JOGGING at 280 pounds!  A few days ago I took my son ice skating.. I hadn't been ice skating in a decade.  I made four laps around the rink, not including several attempts to get my son to ice skate.

He really kept trying to skate, but I'd have to have one hand holding the wall to steady myself, and one hand constantly lifting him up because he kept falling.    Then my son's two friends, twin girls, who were with us ice skating, wanted me to take them around the rink, so I did two of those laps with them, one 6 year old twin on each hand, constantly having to hold my own balance and help them when they lost theirs.

Wow.. the ice skating was physically intense!  This whole ice skating thing was after an hour with my personal trainer in the morning, where I regularly invite her to kick my ass!  I actually do 2-3 reps more than what ever she asks just to show her how serious I am and get points with her.

For me it is these physical triumphs, more than any number on the scale, that I treasure and make me feel I've accomplished something and I've come so far.  Coming from such limited mobility, these physical triumphs are astounding for me.. they give me incredible joy and make me want to work that much harder.

If only I could set my final goal in a physical triumph over a weight on the scale or even a body fat percentage, I think I would be much more motivated.  You know like I could say that I'd be at goal when I could jog for a full hour or something like that.

Unfortunately nobody else seems to see that as a final goal but that is something that would inspire me much more.  In the mean time despite my fears of failure I continue to experience joy with regards to my increased mobility and continue to love my sleeve every day for this opportunity.

I continue trying to work hard every day to improve my behaviors to increase my chances for success.  I continue to want to eat too frequently, and eat higher fat foods.  Thanks to advice from Elina, I have managed to reduce my calories some, so that even when I eat more frequently my calories aren't so high.

Elina also gave me some great tips such as drinking hot tea between meals to keep from eating too often.  These tips have really improved things for me.  The biggest remaining struggle for me that I have made little prorgress with is night time eating.  I tend to want to eat to "medicate" myself to sleep.  Eating before bed makes me sleepy, and I sometimes have trouble winding down by myself.

I can do well all day but after 9pm is when the grazing monster rears its ugly head. I've tried a bunch of things but nothing has worked yet.. I continue to keep trying. Even though I still am losing weight, I wonder if that grazing monster will ruin my chances for success later on down the road.  I believe it's because of my struggles with behaviors like these that I continue to fear failure.

I think that I have to fix all of my behaviors in order to be successful, and I fail regularly at this behavior of night time over eating.  I manage to avoid carbs, plan my meals, make healthy choices, etc. but after 9pm it seems like all the good work for the day is erased by my need to eat before bed.

I've made so much progress in other areas.. it frustrates me that I can't seem to get this one under control, and it makes me feel like a failure. I'll keep working on it and hoping for the best.

--

Weight: 295
11/16/10

I'm very surprised I am down 3 pounds this week considering it is my time of month!  A cycle with no water weight gain is a strange one for me.  I've been dragging my butt getting to the gym this week.  My trainer is on vacation and I haven't felt very motivated for some reason.

Yesterday I actually drove to the gym, was in the parking lot talking on the phone, and by the time the phone conversation was over, I didn't have any time for working out.  I went on Sunday with my husband and son.  The idea was that my son would go in the kids pool while Dad watched him and mommy went to work out.

I wanted my husband to see how nice my gym is and perhaps get interested in going there, and enjoy watching our son go swimming.  Instead my son wanted to go to the daycare and my husband wanted to wait in the car, rushing me through the workout.  I managed to get 20 minutes on the elliptical done and that's it.

I've learned that my husband won't be supportive of me in this endeavor, and that I have to use my own time that's convenient to work out.  That means in the morning before work (after my son gets on the bus) or on my lunch breaks. 

It really feels great to get my day started with some exercise, but I also frequently want to stay at home and catch up on emails in the mornings and/or clean my house.  Then on my lunch breaks sometimes I just want to eat at that point, not workout.

I think part of my lack of motivation stems from reading textbooks for school while workout out, instead of my more fun romance books.  I always used to use my guilty pleasure, romance books, to get myself to workout.  When I read them while working out I didn't feel as bad because I was rewarding myself for doing something good.

But I have a paper due tomorrow and I really need to read my darn textbook.  There is just never enough time in life to do everything I want to do.  Perhaps I should alternate, one workout I read my "smart" books, one workout I get to read my "fun" books.  Maybe that will keep me from sitting in the parking lot when I am there to workout!

Weight: 298
11/9/10

I was super excited this week to get into twonderland (200's on the scale) this week.  I can't imagine what it would feel like if (or should I say when?) I was in the promised land.. wonderland that is.  I haven't weighed less than 200 since I was in high school.

Well once I briefly dieted to 197.. but I didn't stay there for too long at all so I don't really count it. Today I hit another milestone.. 90 pounds lost.. I try to have every 10 pounds lost be a baby milestone, so that's 9 of them for me.

I have a few other cool milestones coming up.  10 more pounds to become a century club member. 14 pounds to lose to get to my half way to goal mark.  After that 249 will be another milestone, because it's closer to wonderland than it is to the 300's. :)

After that my next milestone will be 233 which was what I weighed last time, before my life got into turmoil with my mother's death and all of the other crazy stuff.  After that will be wonderland of course, and then goal at 180. 

When I hit 180 I'll re-evaluate based on my body fat percentage.. I intend to get some serious muscles lifting, so a heavier weight might be just right for me.  In other news, I'm not struggling with hunger as much as I used to.  I still have a lot of times that I want to eat too frequently, but I am realizing that the physical hunger isn't what I am dealing with.

Now I am just trying to deal with the head hunger.  I have noticed that big time BOREDOM really effects my appetite.  When I am at work some times it is boring and that's when I really want to eat and graze.  I am trying to listen to music at work rather than being too bored and that seems to help.

Just have to try and remember to stick more closely to my schedule of eating at work especially.  This weekend was especially eye opening to me in terms of hunger because I actually FORGOT to eat for more than 6 hours.  That's pretty strange for me.

My son spent the weekend at his grandmas so I got to work on a surprise for him. I got super excited about reorganizing my house and setting up a cool playroom for my son which meant rearranging closets, making piles for goodwill, sweeping, carrying stuff, moving furniture, etc.  Lots of physical exertion too which was great exercise and very productive.

It also included several trips to stores to get organizational stuff, decorating stuff, etc.  I was enjoying cleaning and decorating so much, I delayed my breakfast for a few hours, then delayed lunch by an hour, then didn't even look for dinner until more than 6 hours after lunch.

So now to help me with weight loss I am trying to find more things that get my interested, out of the house, and keep me from getting bored and eating out of boredom.  That in itself is strange for me because I spent so much time at home.. but now I want to get out!

I stayed at home because I was both physically and emotionally comfortable at home and it hurt to walk and I was embarassed to have people see me a lot.  The more I avoided going out, the more bored I became, and the more I ate to deal with it.. viscious cycle which is now breaking.. WONDERFUL!

Weight: 302
11/2/10

Four pounds lost since last week.. not too bad and I like that pace.  Unfortunately I had a pretty stressful few days this week with my MIL driving me nuts over the weekend.  I lost my cool with her and that did not make me feel good.

Over the weekend I exercised both days, and even ran for a minute on the treadmill.  My food was pretty good this week but yesterday I had cheese AND nuts and did zero exercise; not good. I drove all the way to work and once I got there realized I forgot my computer at home.. so I went back home and worked from home but then had to skip my lunch time workout to make up for the time I wasted going back home to get my computer set up.

I think my problem yesterday was that the day before I made the mistake of drinking homemade lemonade.  The lemon juice gave me the WORST heartburn and even though I've been taking 3 of my PPI daily I'm still struggling with the ensuing heartburn aftermath.

The heartburn also makes me feel like eating more (as my acid reflux generally does) hence the grazing on nuts and cheese.  So I know now not to do that again... darn because I absolutely love lemon juice especially as a salad dressing. *sigh*

I'm so close to the 200's (3 more pounds) and very excited to get there.  I'm also close to hitting several milestones.  After I get into the 200's I will no longer be in the 50's BMI I will be in the 40's.  I have another 14 pounds to lose to get to the 100 pounds lost milestone.  And another 18 to go to get to the halfway to goal milestone.

After that my next big milestone will be to get to 150 lost which is where I was 3 years ago. I have another 64 to go for that milestone.  When I hit my 100 pounds lost I'm going to the spa for a massage and facial!

Weight: 306
10/26/10

I'm at week 13 and no weight loss since last week.  Darn!  I would say that I'm in a stall except there's a lot of things I did not do right this past week. This past week I was having my Aunt Flo visit, but that finished several days ago, and still haven't dropped any more weight.  I always find it hard to stick to good eating around that time of the month.

Mostly I find myself eating a lot of my "gray area" foods.  I know the foods that work best for me.. fresh meats and veggies.  When I eat those primarily or especially exclusively I lose.  My gray area foods are the yummy foods that are still considered "low carb" and are very convenient, but also high calorie and don't work well for weight loss for me. 

These foods are primarily cheese or other dairy, nuts (especially cashews) and occassionally sugar-free pudding, chocolate or ice cream.  I've managed to stay away from the low carb sweets but last week was chock full of lots of grazing on cheese and nuts.  Partly due to my cycle and partly due to lots of running around and grabbing something convenient.

So today I cooked my fresh foods and I'm going to try to do much better this week.  I'm really wanting to get under 300 pounds and I'm beginning to feel much more like just having the VSG is not enough for me.  Since the beginning I thought it would be a helpful tool for me, but I have had little confidence that it would be the end all be all for me.

The great thing about the VSG for me is that even when I really try to do some damage by trying to eat frequently or in volume, I can't do as much damage as I could in the past.  So the VSG keeps me from doing major damage, but I'm still struggling with eating too frequently, hunger, etc.

So anyways I need to stop eating in the gray zone and stick to the really good foods for me.  I can only imagine what my weight loss (or weight gain more likely) would be like if I didn't even stick to low carb, let alone "gray zone" foods.

The other thing I did poorly last week is exercise.  I had been doing well with elliptical in the past few weeks, but slacked off.  Last thursday I had an appointment with a personal trainer which was kind of an assessment appointment and did mostly strength training, and didn't do any cardio that day.  I may be retaining water from the strength training, maybe not.

I really don't know if I can "blame" the lack of weight loss on strength training as I slacked off on cardio, ate too many gray zone foods, etc.  On Friday I was running around and didn't get any time to exercise.  On Saturday I was in class from 8am to 9pm so absolutely no time to exercise and not enough sleep, plus drinking coffee which is also bad for my weight loss.

Sunday I had to take a friend to the airport early in the morning, plus spend the entire day getting caught up on cleaning and homework, plus spend a few hours with my son playing.  Again no time for myself or exercise, not enough sleep and coffee.

Monday I did do my elliptical in the morning, but my husband went out of town so I wasn't able to do it until lunch time, and I did have coffee then too because I was so tired.  First thing in the morning is the most efficient time to do exercise, so I missed that opportunity.

Today I wasn't able to do my exercise at the prime time in the morning, BUT I am having green tea instead of coffee, and I have fresh meats cooked for the day plus some boiled eggs, and will not have ANY dairy or nuts today.  I will also do my exercise on my lunch break, and plan to do interval training and go for 30 mins instead of just 20.

If I can keep this up for the rest of the week I think I'll see a good loss by next week, but I'll just have to see how it goes.  If I am eating the right things and exercising, and I don't have a loss, then I will know I am in a stall.  However I *know* what I need to do, and I know that I haven't been doing as well as I can.

Too many gray area foods, not enough exercise, etc.  Also I have not been getting enough fluids in, and that's another thing I'm working on. I'll be glad when my husband is back in town so I can go back to prime time morning exercise which is the most effective, plus really starts my day on a good track.  I'm feeling better each day as I lose weight and get more in shape.

One really nice thing happened last week.  I received a $500 bonus for some hard work on a project at work, and I decided to use that money to hire a personal trainer.  I was able to get 10 sessions with her and I start them officially on Thursday.

Mostly I'll be doing strength training with her, which might put on muscle weight, but I am prepared for that.  Initially I was going to wait until I get below 300 to start weight training because I really want to hit that goal.  I decided to just go for it though.. I can't wait to start getting buffed up like I used to be.