Tanya A.
Making changes and starting over :)
Mar 29, 2007
The day after my last posting, lost my job. Company I worked for, closed its doors permanently with no warning. 3 yrs down the tube. No severance, no paycheck, and my one saving grace - 401K plan, was frozen. So, holiday season, no job, no money, and scared to death.
Spent 2 months searching, interviewing and doing phone calls for a job. Found and rec'd an offer from a bank, which made me feel secure, as a I assumed a bank would be stable. Started on Feb 5th, was handed my last check and laid off AGAIN on March 15th. 6 weeks of work, and back to where I started. Actually worse, because by this point I had used what I had in retirement to get through the past 4 months. SO within 24 hours of losing my job, I made the decision that we are leaving California, and moving to Indiana, Notre Dame area. Small town of about 4500 people TOTAL. NO Starbucks, McDonalds, nada. But I feel a deep conviction, this is the path I am supposed to be on.
Here is what I have learned in the past 4 months. No one, nothing, can bring you to your knees faster, harder, or without warning, except the Lord. And if you don't listen,or you ignore his Word, or think YOU are in control, its NOT fun to be taught otherwise. After finding and accepting the Lord, I thought life would be easier. Well,its not....its MUCH harder, because you are more aware of temptation, and ignoring doing the right thing, you will learn HARD that its now how you are to live.
SO, I am following His lead, doing what I feel deep down what He wants us to do: leaving California, moving back to my roots, and believe it or not, I am possibly going to attend Seminary College. What a change from anything I could have thought of even 6 months ago. But you learn, you listen, and you follow. And amazingly enough, everything falls into place like it should.
The only hard thing, is that I have to give up 3 of my babies. Not the kids, although after the last couple of days, there are times when I wish I COULD leave them!! LOL
No, I am talking about 4 legged babies. My almost 4 yr old dachsund mix that is my baby, our 9 month old puppy that found US for her home, and my son's cat who we got when she was barely 4 weeks old 3 yrs ago. BUT, as always, there are angels around us, that step in and offer their love and homes for these types of things. I have one amazing angel stepping in for my baby, and I can't believe how lucky I am that she is willing to meet my little baby and possibly take her in. I won't reveal WHO it is yet...but when I do, none of you on the CA board will be the least bit surprised. :)
As for the puppy, my g/f next door, is more than happy to take her. And the puppy is already acting like they are her family, and she is still with us tonight!!!! LOL But its an awesome match for her, as they have an 8 yr old son who's birthday is next week, and hes so excited to have his own puppy.
The cat, is harder to place. Shes a cat, very independent, and tempermental. She prefers men over women, prefers attention when SHE wants it, and gets very tempermental if you don't follow HER rules. Then again, I think she is like MOST cats!! LOL
BUT, things will work out fine. We will fnd a wonderful home for her as well, although we are in a time crunch, as we are packing up the moving truck on Saturday, 31st March, and heading out of town on Monday afternoon.
Nothing like making a decision...and just doing it right?
Anyways, I wanted to thank the CA forum for all their support and wonderful friendship they have offered. Unfortunately, I backed off the internet for so many months, due to work, depression, etc. But I am back, and Lord willing, will continue to pursue my weight loss surgery in Indiana.
God bless everyone in California, and best wishes to EVERYONE on there.
Indiana....here we come!!!!
Reaching out....
Dec 04, 2006
wow....I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. And what a month....not so much in a great way either!
One of the things I am so horrible about, is reaching out for help. Reaching out to the very people that are available FOR help, for support, for the answers and/or advice that is needed. So this past month, even though I was feeling better for a few days there, and one or two good ones since then, for the most part, its been, for the most part, not good. My son was baptized, and that was an emotional and happy day for me. My family and a few friends did come during Thanksgiving week for an early Thanksgiving celebration that was great. Enjoyed that VERY much, probably my best day this past month.
Unfortunately, well most days I am still depressed. Or hours. Some hours I seem to be fine, then I fall into a "funk" for a few hours, want to do nothing but sleep and hide. It's not my meds. Not sure what it is. I am also finding that I am closing myself off from other people. Avoiding going out when I can. I did go out Friday night with a friend, no kids. Movie and dinner. BUT, I didn't really enjoy it. This is someone I have gotten to know pretty well over the past couple of months, but everything was irritating me. I know SOME of it was PMS, but the rest, well it just wasn't, and I don't know WHAT it is. SO I slept til 1pm on Saturday, got up and did some shopping with the girls and some Xmas stuff. Just wasn't into it. Got home, ate dinner, and then kinda hid out in my bedroom the rest of the evening. Spoke on the phone a bit with my friend from Friday night, but even that was so hard to do. I did go to church on Sunday, but that was even harder to get up and do, although I did feel SO much better for a time after that. Not long though, did a bit of errands with kids, then went home, and literally crawled into bed, no lights, with covers totally over my head to just hide from everyone. Worries my son so much when I feel like this.
I am seriously wondering, if I could possibly be dealing with Bi Polar? SOmething else I am just missing? My anxiety/panic attacks are SORT of under control, but even that is still bugging me. My depression meds normally work like ANGELS, but this time, it just seems to be too much for me to deal with.
So, is this something more than just depression? Is this something I need to worry about? well ok, I AM worried about it. But it's affecting xmas, its affecting my relationships (family, kids, friends, OH friends). Its affecting EVERYTHING!!!
I lurk on the boards now more than usual, instead of chiming in, because I find myself being negative. I don't want to spread that around. I read about Tami's brother, and I spent about 2 hours just crying from that. I Lost my youngest brother almost 8 yrs ago, but it was a car accident when he was 18. But still, losing ANY family memeber at ANY age, is hard. Grandma this past Aug. Granddad 2 yrs ago. COusin from OD a year ago. And numerous deaths from just natural causes, generally old age.
So, now I am finally going to reach out for help. From my OH friends I hope. From my family. From my friends around me. I can't handle this alone anymore, and I need to STOP doing that. I need to REALIZE its OK to ask for help. I need to realize, it does NOT make me weak. IT does NOT make me any less a person than I was before. I think that is the hardest thing to realize, that I am NOT a weak person because I NEED help outside of myself. Maybe that is part of the problem, realizing that I can't fix myself. That I am not superwoman, that I am not the ONLY thing that can fix ME!!!!!
Help me....somehow, someway, something. Because I am drowning, and I am finding the light is getting dimmer and dimmer.
Yes I have an appt with my dr, and I am making appts for a psychologist, but still, I am reaching out.......
What a day!!!
Nov 11, 2006
Then to top it all off tonight, my son and I go to church on Sat nights for Celebrate Recovery. Now, my son has been the most vocal about not believing in the whole Christ savior "crap" that is pushed on him, yet in the past 2 months, he goes to church 3 times a week for various groups that help him with problems. Tonight, he has a private meeting with one of the most amazing men in our church, and HE ACCEPTS CHRIST tonight!!!! I can not even tell you how much that affected me tonight, or how very proud I am of my son for making this choice and decision!!! My weekend, can NOT go any better after this!!!
Now...back to my life before today. It's been , well, hell. I have been on a downward spiral into depression and darkness, that was just getting darker and darker. I couldn't figure it out, and all I wanted to do was eat, eat, and sleep. I was never hungry, I was never full, but I was very very unhappy with the "blah's" and had no idea why. Other than life at home was hell, life at work was hell, and I didn't want to be in either place. DUH! That should have been my answer, but of course, depression/denial seem to go hand in hand. I finally got off my butt, and saw my doctor on Monday. I had gained 6 lbs!!!!!! OH MY!!!! I was floored, but it was NOT unexpected! I was soooo upset and beating myself up...and all my doctor did was hug me say, "move on". It's done, it's over, move on and do better from this point forward. So, we decided to increase my meds for depression, anxiety/panic attacks, add a new med for my attacks, and just move forward. Well, I can say, I have managed to lose the 6 lbs I had gained (THANK YOU AUNT FLO) AND increasing the dosages of my meds has REALLY helped. I haven't even taken my new med for attacks, as I have managed to control them myself without it. That makes a HUGE difference in my life.
So after the past few weeks, and then having such an AWESOME day today, well I have to say, life is looking SO much better. I am back on track with my surgery (I had managed to sabotage that as well) and have my referrals done for Psych and Dietician. Now we are just trying to set the appts for the same day, as they are both at the same hospital. Then it's all submitted to the Med group, and I get my appt with for the surgery consultation. Looks like possibly Dec, either mid or end. POSSIBLY first part of Jan. So, I am putting my fears to rest, my worries of failure to rest, reaching BACK OUT to people again, and I will be more involved on the boards again.
I had pulled back with all the feelings I was having, but now I realize I need to reach out and get the support that is offered here with such love and compassion. SO I am back!
Watch out!!!!
10/17/06
Last night, around 9:30pm or so, I was honored with an angel - Melissa R! She has become my So Cal angel for this journey! What an amazing person! So warm, generous, and caring. I spoke with her personally a little while ago, and I was not wrong about what a great and wonderful person she is! I am truly honored to have her as my angel! No wonder I love the OH forum and website SO much!!!!
I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL day as well! Mine personally , could not get much better!
10/16/06
I am focusing this week on contacting my case manager, and getting my Psych eval and Dietician Eval set up as soon as possible. Also have to get my blood work done YUCK! Oh well, it's just another step closer to the surgery!!!!
Thinking about going to the a luncheon in Central Valley held by some memebers on here. Sounds like fun, and I have asked a couple of local OH members if they want to ride with me. So we'll see....I am crossing my fingers!
Well, everyone have a GREAT Monday! ( I so HATE Mondays! )
10/13/06
Usually this is a great day for me!!! But this time, well not so great. Nothing bad has happened, just the normal life crap LOL Sick all week with crud, tried working yesterday, but WOW that was NOT a good idea. Today, stayed home and slept more. Feel a LITTLE better today! Money, payday, what a joke those are lately!! oh well....life goes on I know.
So my updates for class and PCP visits. Went to my class on the 10th at the Alta Summit. Amazing class! But, I didn't learn anything I had aleady learned on here!!!! That was an amazing feeling, knowing that all the research, lurking on boards, and asking questions, gave me the information I needed! YEAH!!! So that was relaxing for me. Talked to an OH member that was there as well... gave me some great advice and feedback!
Then my PCP the next day. Can I just say, she is AMAZING! So supportive, friendly and warm. We discussed my plans and what I wanted, and she was totally on the same plan!! Now we are just moving forward with all the testing we need. OH yea.... I also found out between the class on Tues, and PCP appt on Wed, that I might bemore than HALFWAY through the program already!!! How great is that????!??!?!?!???
SO that's my update. Loving this new site as well. Was up til late last night testing things, and working on it now. "rumor has it" it's rolling out later today! YIPPPEEEE!!!!!!!!
10/06/06
I haven't really updated on my progress much lately, as life has been a little busy and I really didn't have much to share. But I will share what has happened since my initial appointment with my PCP.
After talking with him, and getting so excited, I find out a few days later, that the program takes about 6 months before they will even CONSIDER a consult with a surgeon. Then, because I have an HMO, it gets referred out to UC San Francisco, or US Davis. I made some calls, and the waiting lists for those places was pretty long! I am not a patient person by ANY means, so this did NOT set well with me. So, I emailed a few members that had surgery in my area, got some information on Doctors that support WLS (Thank you again Denise B!) and made the switch to another PCP with another Medical group. BTW, my first medical group was John Muir. And normally, I do love them! But again, NOT being a patient person, well their time frames did NOT work for me! LOL
So now I am with Physician Hills. I meet with my new PCP next week, and I am already signed up for my first class on WLS with Alta Bates Summit in Oakland. I have talked with the Program Coordinator there, and have gotten as much information as I can for their requirements for surgery. Well on my way to meeting those requirements. Depending on what my new PCP and case manager decide from my records, I might actually be halfway through the 6 months supervised weigh ins! YEAH!!! If not, then it will start with September. I am ok with that, not happy, but ok with it.
At the same time, I can get all tests and requirements for the surgeon met DURING the 6 months of weigh ins. So that will help, and then once I meet with the surgeon, I can hopefully get a date soon! I am still anticipating April-May 2007 for surgery, and my case manager thinks that is completely within sight to accomplish.
Thanks so much to the information I can get from here, I think I have armed myself with almost ALL the information I need for this decision. I do have a few questions, but my first class next week, is actually being held by the surgeons, so I might be able to get a lot of things answered at that point. I can't wait!!!!!!
9/8/6
So my appt on Wed was AWESOME! My PCP was so excited that I had made this decision, he said he will overtime to get me through as fast as he can. He knows the surgeons that do these procedures on both a professional AND personal level, and will do what he can to get things moving. I AM SOO HAPPY!!!! I start blood work tests on Monday, and just keep following up with the girl in his office that handles the referrals. I can't wait to get this moving completely towards my goal! The only downside, I may have to have the RNY instead of the Lap band. Apparently, the Lap band is done at another hospital 2 hrs away. They also require that all support groups, dr appts, and follow ups be done there after surgery. The support groups they say are mandatory are EVERY week. I don't know about any of you, but being a single mom of 3, and working full time, HOW do they expect me to make these appts EVERY week, over 2 hrs away?? OH and get this, they are MID AFTERNOON appts. Do these people not realize that some of us have to SUPPORT our families???? OK...I am done venting now! :)
Anyway, I will keep posting my updates as they happen!
9/1/6
I have been entertaining the idea of WLS for about 3 yrs. 11 yrs ago, after the birth of my last child, I topped the scales at 329lbs. I was only 25 yrs old then. That was terrifying. 3 yrs later, with no special work or diet, I was able to lose 150lbs and keep it off for 2 yrs. At that time, we lived in CO, where we walked EVERYWHERE, and that was a definite plus to keeping weight off. 5 yrs ago, we made the move to CA. You don't walk ANYWHERE here! It's amazing. So, the weight has piled back up. Now, I am sitting at between 308-312 lbs. Earlier this week, I started my research YET again into WLS. I had found this site 3 yrs ago, and had come back to it again and again. I finally decided, now IS the time to make changes. I called my insurance company, to see what alternatives there were for WLS that would be approved. IF what they say is true, it should be an easy process. Since my own PCP had recommended it as a possible option last month when I went to see him, I am guessing he won't have ANY problems making the Medically Necessary paperwork FLY through!
My first appt is Wed, 9/6/6. WISH ME LUCK!!!
