Let the journey begin...

Apr 22, 2017

Greetings everyone.  I am right at the beginning of my journey to become healthy, happy, and less hefty.  

Like many of us, I have struggled with the love and obsession for food from a very early age.  I remember being a young child in the school cafeteria asking others if they were going to eat their dessert and, if not, may I have it?  Looking at my stack of chocolatey, delicious brownies, I could not fathom how in the world these kids did not want to eat such a yummy treat!  I fondly remember going to my very first buffet.  It was a Golden Corral.  I LOVED the fried chicken wings and being able to have any of the desserts offered and, most importantly, eating as much as I wanted.  

When my weight began to rise, I remember being told by my mother that I needed to "watch what I eat."  (Disclaimer:  I love my parents with all my heart.  My father and she worked hard to provide me and my brother with all life's amenities.  Dad was a big-eater and loved his sweets.  Fortunately, he has a superb metabolism, so he never really suffered from obesity.  My mom grew up poor and hungry, so in her mindset, she wanted us to have all the things she was denied as a child including lots of yummy foods and treats.  She and many others raising children in the late seventies, early eighties were ignorant of the effects of processed foods and sugar on the body.  She would even put Coca Cola in my baby bottle...smh)   

I remember being on a diet at a very young age (2nd grade).  I would starve myself for a short amount of time, then inevitably, would give in to my cravings and eat...A LOT. I would continue this yo-yo dieting lifestyle all the way through college.  Then, after I got married, I did not much concern myself with staying fit.  I HATED being on a diet and feeling hungry.  

From about my late teens, I began to gain about 5 lbs every year, consistently.  Now, I am facing my forties at 300lbs+.  I never thought I would weigh this much.  

After having my second child - traditional C-section because he and I both were large - I developed several hernias at the incision site due to my ballooning weight.  I eventually had to have surgery to implant a mesh.  Despite my doctor's warning that if I gain too much weight, the mesh would fail, I currently find myself indulging in donuts, pizza, candy, cookies, cake, breads, pastas like there is no tomorrow.  Sometimes I feel I eat suicidally.  I feel guilty for not having the will power to take care of myself for my children.   What kind of example am I setting for them?  I preach a "do as I say, not as I do" message to them, but who am I fooling?  I KNOW children will pattern themselves based on actions, not words.

This has lead to a self-loathing like I've never experienced before.  Why am I so weak?  I have always been an overachiever in every other aspect of my life EXCEPT when it comes to controlling my weight.  

Now, here I am at 39 years old this year.  Feeling my stomach growing, the mesh pulling, and my health declining, I realize that something drastic has to be done.  Oh how I long to feel lighter, have more energy to play with my children, set a good, healthy example and enjoy life in general.  I am tired of being a victim of my own self-destructive tendencies.  Time to take control.

Believe it or not, when I found out that I would be able to get the bariatric surgery, I was not happy.  I began to mourn the foods I would be giving up.  No more delicious yeast rolls?  No more joyfully stuffing my face until I make myself sick?  What will I do with myself?  Food is my life, my addiction.  

Over the past few weeks of taking the steps to scheduling the surgery, I have been coming to terms with what having this surgery will do for my life.  I want to be in control of my health.  Although the fear of failure is always in the back of my mind, I am beginning the journey to take back my life and to do what is right and healthy for my body.  My motto will be "Eat to live, not live to eat."  

Until next time....

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About Me
53.2
BMI
RNY
Surgery
06/05/2017
Surgery Date
Apr 22, 2017
Member Since

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