Any Day now.....

Apr 23, 2016

   For the last couple of days, I've been sitting at 200lbs. When I reached 200lbs it was a big first goal for me because the last time I was at this weight I believe I was 23. Isn't it weird how I can remember my age and events all surrounding my weight! I find that a bit sad. I look back on my life and I realize I spent huge amout of my time pre-occupied with my weight. My weight obsession was/is so ingrained that it's through this journey I'm realizing how much I held myself back. Usually when I go out to work, on my days off ( which are very few ) I would stay home, watch TV and order out. For the past six weeks , every chance I get I go to an aerobic class or to the gym. It's been four years that I've been comming to this community and I never knew it was so vibrant. I've lost 20 lbs being here and I connected with some of my colleagues with my new love for fitness. ME, talking about doing legs and then Cardio Hip Hop, ME. Is this who was hiding under all those layers? Some friendships have changed...Those who were my eating companions, our friendhsip has wane. I didn't realize that food was our connection until now. I told everyone that I will not change but that was a lie. I have changed and I will continue to change/evolve. I had two colleagues tell me " You can't hang with us anymore, you are too skinny!" We all laugh, but there's a shift...." No, I will not have a donut!" "I know, it's crazy I won't eat bread!" "Yeah, that's all I ate and I feel statisfied!". I've tried the nice approach with the "sabotagers" and now, I'm blatant about it. Do I piss off some people , yep! If I tell you No and you keep going at it with an almost indignant response of "Everything in moderation!", well then I get "cold". I've been very open about my surgery and my food addiction to my close friends and family. You will not force a drink on an alcoholic, so why will you force food on me? Especially, since these same individuals  are the ones who used to talk about how much I used to eat "You don't need your stomach stapled, you need your mouth stapled shut!" A phrase that was said to me and I keep it as a quote to motivate. I'm slowly working on loving/ pleasing myself instead of others...I never knew I was a people pleaser, until I stopped. I get it. It's the honeymoon phase, you have a goal, you highly motivated, but....But nothing.This started as weight loss only and became something more. Any day now, I will step on that scale and see 199, nothing will change, I will stick with my plan, I will continue to workout, but, for my weight obsessed mind, that number will give me a sense of liberation. Which tells me when it comes to making peace with food and my weight I still have far to go, but, I 'm working on it.....

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