Question:
do you have to have support
I do everything at our house I work 40 hr/week take the kids to all their events. I do all the cooking all the cleaning. my husband said that he will not help me or support me in this dision i have ask him to attend the meetings with me however he refuses. can i do this be my self I am having it done laposcopic. I want to have this procedure done but need to know how long it will take to get on my feet and is there a point where i will have to have the hlep? — Melody M. (posted on February 12, 2007)
February 12, 2007
I am not a counsellor, and I would suggest you speak to one before doing
this. While the laproscopic procedure is indeed less invasive, it is still
major surgery with potential complications. If you do decide to go ahead
with this i would like to suggest that you have some help lined up.
Best wishes, and follow your heart.
Chris
— CChappell
February 12, 2007
You will need support! Even if it is from family or friends. Just be aware
if this is his attitude now it may get worse after surgery. You need to do
some searching and talking. Is he afraid if you do this you are going to
leave? Counseling needs to be done at least for you if not for you and your
husband.
Good luck and God Bless!
— Lost4Ever
February 12, 2007
You will need help after surgery even more so with you having children. I
know before I had my surgery my doctor wanted to meet one of my family
members that was going to help me during my recovery. He wouldnt even do
surgery without talking to a family member. He wants to make sure your
family is aware of the surgery and that they will help you and support you
afterwards. The first two weeks is when you are going to need the help
most far as physical. I had laposcopic and I didnt go back to work (office
job) til the 3rd week. Then I only worked 1/2 days. You will need help
mentally I belive for a long time. This surgery is not easy. You really
need support from your husband. I dont know if he is against the surgery
because of the risk or because it will put him doing your work. If it's
because of the risk, you need to let him know the risk of not having
surgery. If you need to talk, please write to me. Take care.
— barfiep01
February 12, 2007
WOW! I go in for surgery on Thursday, and I cannot imagine NOT having
support/help from my husband, let alone friends and co-workers. YOU WILL
NEED HELP! I am having my done Laproscopically as well, but you are asked
not to lift anything over 5 lbs. for a minimum of 4 weeks. I did all of the
laundry this weekend, but honey will have to take over in a week or two. I
would suggest getting support from whomever you can and to seek counseling
for you and your husband.
— jammerz
February 12, 2007
I agree with the others. You MUST see a counselor prior to any type of
surgery in which you need support, be it emotional, physical, mental or
spiritual.
The gastric bypass surgery, laproscopic or others, is not a cure, it is a
tool to help one get healthy, and maintain a healthy lifestyle. It is a
drastic change, and requires a life long committment.
And since I'm very opinionated, I wonder why your husband doesn't want you
to have this surgery. Could he be worried about losing you? Is he a
controlling person? Prior to your considering this surgery, was he helpful
around the house? These are questions you need to consider, as well.
Although each persons response to surgery is very different, there are some
routine things you will need help with right after you get home.
In the program I went through, we are required to see a psychologist, a
nutritionist, and numerous others to begin the educational process. Plus,
there are mandatatory pre-surgery classes to learn as much as possible. The
family is encouraged to become involved, and the more the better.
I wish you all the luck and hope in the world.
Please seek professional counseling.
Dana
Peace, love, health, happiness
— Dana M.
February 12, 2007
Hi, I was just about 100 lbs over weight, 5 feet 2 inches tall. I had the
surgery 3 years ago laparoscopic. Because I did not weigh too much over
the 100 lbs (considered light weight), I was off work (desk job) for a
week, then I went back half days for another week, after that I was back
full-time. I hope you are as fortunate to be able to do the same. I do
not have small children, so I did not have to get up and down all day. If
you don't have help, let the housework go until you feel better...it is
major survery, so you do have to take it easy...even if you feel good. I
think your husband is insensitive, but when you drop the weight, things
will probably change! I have had no problems to date, and it was the best
thing that I could have done for my self-esteem. Just know that it will be
a BIG change (do get frustrated, just eat what you can) Good Luck...and May
God Continue to Keep you and your family in HIS Care!
— Vivian K.
February 12, 2007
Hello Melody,
Sad to hear that someone who took a vow to support their spouse "in
sickness and in health." Whether he wants to support you are not --
you want be able to drive for at least for the first week after surgery --
although some people are more bold in that move. So hubby is going to be
Mr. taxi for the kids. Sounds as if he is being a you know what. You take
care of him and the kids all day and now its time for you to take care of
you.
I strongly suggest couples counseling so he can deal with the reasons why
he doesn't want you to have the surgery or support you in your decision.
And you should have individual counselors as well --- even if he doesn't
want to go -- you go. Good Luck
— the7thdean
February 12, 2007
and this guy is your husband?...What a jerk. You will be up and around in a
few days but the "tiredness" will last a couple of weeks. You
will get very tired very quickly. Then you cannot lift anything over 8 lbs
for 6 weeks or you run the risk of hernia. Do you have a friend or parents
that can take the kids for a couple of weeks? That is your most important
obstacle. If you husband needs something or is hungry, tell him to do it
himself!
— aremat
February 12, 2007
I too wondered if my hubby was going to step up to the plate and help. he
said he would but from past experiences i knew that i would be doing it all
myself. but when it did come down to it.. he helps with the kids, tries to
do the dishes, and laundry.. but he refuses to scrub the floor... and its
been three weeks.. and i can't get down on the floor yet. so I don't know..
I started making meals and putting them in the freezer so he didn't have to
cook, the month before.. so now its a hit or miss thing if he orders out
or gets in the stash of pre cooked.. oh.. my hubby was for it.. but his
job prevented him from coming to any of the meetings.. I don't know if that
helps.. but its my experience with it
— jasonsexybabe
February 12, 2007
Hi Melody,
If you really don't think hubby will step up, then please find a friend or
two, or family member who can give you a few days. I know I needed help in
the bathroom for the first few days.....getting up and down,
"reaching" to take care of business. And you can't push yourself
that first week or so, you MUST heal. I am blessed with a
"giver" for a husband, and my mother came to care for house and
kids, and me. :o) I hope you have some people close to you for support.
Take care. ~christi
— christi_in_VA
February 12, 2007
There are two types of support we all need and deserve-- the easiest to get
is the basic "help around the house" support. For me, I was a
little light-headed for a few days, but after that, most of the things I
needed to do as a Mr. Mom to a pre-schooler and kindergarten daughter was
relatively easy.
The tougher area is the emotional support-- having someone to talk to late
at night when you want to graze a little, having a partner when you are
trying to avoid buying those foods that were triggers for you (and who
won't whine that he's being punished because of your dietary
restrictions).
Many of us haven't had the perfect support we necessarily wanted-- or
thought we wanted. For some spouses, it just took lots of education and a
realization that a healthier wife (or husband) meant a better life for
everyone in the family. For others, in my experience (not necessarily my
own) the sense was that as long as the spouse didn't try to undermine the
making of healthy food choices and impede attending support group meetings,
it was probably as good as it was going to get.
Listen, this is not an easy road we take-- but, there are lots of sources
for support if family and friends don't necessarily give you what you want.
Whether you are active with a peer-lead support group, seek counselling,
use online resources (or any combination of the above), you will find that
there are many people who can help you in the journey. But, the most
important person from whom to get support is yourself-- because ultimately
we are all solely responsible for everything that passes our lips and for
our successes.
— SteveColarossi
February 13, 2007
Hi Melody. You can be in a WLS support group or get support from any
outside source; however, it is my sincere opinion that without the support
of your spouse you run a high risk of failure at losing weight after
surgery. The surgery itself is not what is in question here. You'll
probably get through that OK. The problem arises in the weeks and months
AFTER your surgery. ---- The purpose of going through hardship and pain, be
it major surgery or anything else, is the pursuit of happiness. If your
spouse is going to throw up a wall (or worse) after your surgery, you are
probably not going to be happy. Unhappy people often turn to overeating (or
drinking, or both) to compensate for the lack of happiness in their lives.
I'd suggest you go see a professional councelor before getting onto the
surgeon's table. That councelor could be someone who specializes in WLS
patients; or, it could be a marriage councelor that, hopefully, both you
and your husband would see together. ---- I've read the writings of so many
people in these OH pages who have had bariatric surgery and yet are not
succeding at weight loss. I wonder how many of those people were not
subjected to independent (i.e., no stake in the patient proceeding with
surgery) psychological review. ---- Frankly I can understand some husbands'
objection to their wives undergoing something like breast enhancing
surgery. Weight loss surgery is another matter entirely. It's not just for
'looks'. It's primary purpose should be to enhance your state of health
related to diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol, peripheral
neuropathy, and so forth. The surgery itself does not bring about these
benefits; it is what you do after surgery that does it. Without spousal
support, and the unhappiness that brings, you will have to be an especially
motivated person to make it all work and be happy after weight loss
surgery. People who can maintain continued, strong self-motivation over a
period of months and years are very few and far between. Are you one of
them? If not ...
— [Deactivated Member]
February 13, 2007
I simply can't believe whaat I'm reading here. Your husband is a number # 1
jerk. How self-cengetered and inconsiderate of a human being. I'd say, dump
him and find a better man out there at some point in your life. This issue
is WAY more than his being supportive in helping you out when you are sick.
I'd get rid of him in a BIG hurry...!!!
— silverkrisi
February 13, 2007
MY HUSBAND DID NOT WANT ME TO HAVE THE SURGERY AT FIRST. I JUST CONTINUED
TO TALK WITH HIM AND CONTINUED TO PRAY. I WOULD DO RESEARCH ON IT AND
EVERY THING THAT I LEARNED + OR - I WOULD SHARE IT WITH HIM. WE DO NOT
HAVE AND CHILDREN SO WE DON'T HAVE THE SAME ISSUES AS YOU. I DO THINK THAT
OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE STRONG ENOUGH TO WEATHER THE CHANGES THAT THE SURGERY
WILL BRING. THAT IS SOMETHING THAT I, MYSELF HAD TO THINK ABOUT. SO I
THINK THAT MAYBE YOU BOTH SHOULD GO TO SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP. AND MAKE
SURE THAT YOU DO KNOW THAT THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF DIVORCE AFTER SURGERY.
SO YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE YOUR SPOUSE IS WILL TO COMPOMISE EVEN JUST A
LITTLE. GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
— Vanessa Dates
February 13, 2007
Is it possible that your spouse has some of his own issues with you losing
weight? Is he worried that when you ose weight, other men will find you
attractive? All of this sounds like HIS problems. I believe that you should
do what is in the best interest for you as well as your children, which is
losing weight and living a healthy lifestyle. Good luck!
— jlw0423
February 13, 2007
Let me get this straight. Your husband says he won't support you and this
means he won't feed HIS kids, won't drive HIS kids where they need to go or
clean THEIR (and his) house???
That's simply incredible. If this is true, I agree with the others that I
see more problems down the road. But to answer your question more to the
point: In the first week, you'll experience a lot of stiffness/soreness
that makes it hard to bend over and to get up and down. The first couple
of days it will be real work just to get out of bed or to pick something up
off the floor. No heavy lifting is allowed for a while. It will get a bit
better every day but you'll still tire easily after surgery. You will not
feel like picking up around the house, vacuuming or mopping! Cooking could
be tough too, especially in the first couple of days when we seem to be
super sensitive to smell and could feel a bit nauseous - not to mention
resentful about cooking something you can't eat. I drove for the first
time after almost a week out of the hospital but it wouldn't be comfortable
if you had to drive long distances or on really bumpy roads. I went back
to work after two weeks but I probably could have managed after one - with
an understanding boss.
If you decide to go through this without your husband's support, PLEASE
just let the dishes and the mess pile up that first week. Your husband
will not let himself and the children starve. Your recovery is worth more
than worrying about the an immaculate house, and I really think your family
will be able to fend for themselves for a little bit.
— sandsonik
February 13, 2007
Thank you all for your help I have talked to my husband more and he still
doesn't want me to have it however I told him that I was still going to
have the surgery and asked if he would want to go with me to the support
group. He said that he would think about it. I have talked to a few and my
kids are old enought to get up and help. My kids are 7 and 11 so I will
have to start working on them making them do things around the house. Once
I get the date for the surgery I will start making and freezing meals for
them. I am going to do this for me. Thank you all so much.
— Melody M.
February 14, 2007
I suggest you seek conseling, but your husband probably won't go. If you
ware emplyed full time, why doesn't he help you with the kids and
housework?
— Novashannon
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