ObesityHelp

1/24/04:

Hi. This is the very first post on my new page. I've been overweight my entire life. It's been a source of a lot of problems in my life, none health related (other than emotional health) until lately. Now I'm discovering my knees constantly hurting, my feet, my back. The shortness of breath after activity is worse than it used to be. After much thinking, I finally realized it was time for me to look into gastric bypass. I made the decision in April of 2003. It took me till Dec 11, 2003 to get a consult with a surgeon, Dr Davies in Roanoke. After the 8 month wait for an appointment, things since have actually gone fairly quickly. Echocardiogram and consult with a dietician on the 30th of Dec, then the call Monday (1/19) that the insurance had approved the surgery, and all they needed was an EKG, then surgery could be scheduled. The insurance approval totally knocked me out; I wasn't expecting that fast, if at all. Total shock. So - this coming Wednesday I'm having the EKG, then we'll see what happens. In any case, it's a very very nerve-wracking, scary, and exciting time.

By the way, I also keep a weblog with thoughts on me, the surgery, and the world, if you're interested: www.progressionbackwards.blogspot.com

1/28/04:

Hello all. I had my EKG today, the supposed last test to be completed before my surgery is scheduled. All went well, in fact it was a very good experience. So far (and granted, I haven't been an inpatient yet!), I can't say enough nice things about the people I've met at Roanoke Memorial. Very nice, kind, and informative.

So now I guess it's time to sit and wait. Or sit and weight. Har har, what a comedian! Anyway, I'll update as soon as I know something.

Thanks to those who've given me good thoughts and wishes - it's truly appreciated!

2/24/04:

Well, I'm finding it hard to believe, but I have a surgery date. April 1st, yes the day of all fools. I like it, somehow; it suits me. I have my pre-op consultation on March 30. I'm filled with anticipation and excitement and fear and every other emotion known to man. But mostly right now, I'm happy. I'm incredibly happy.

3/24/04:

Interesting times here. I got a call yesterday from Missy at Dr Davies' office. My surgery date has been changed. Changed from April 1 to April 5. It was a bit of a let-down, but seeing as how I'm currently fighting the world's worst cold/sore throat/congestion, and not successfully, I'm taking this as a good sign. Four more days to cure this crud I've got. Kind of disappointing though; I really wanted an All Fool's Day surgery; it suits me so well!

4/11/04 (1 week post-op):

Hello, everyone - I'm getting ready to type something I never thought I'd see: I'm now writing to you all from "the other side."

I had my surgery Monday as planned. It was scary, and yes, it was painful. The recovery room part was painful. In fact, I was kind of halfway aware of my yelling out, but at one point a very nice nurse came up to me and told me quite politely that I'd have to stop making so much noise, that there were OTHER people in there trying to recover as well. Well! How DARE they!

It seemed like once I was moved into my own room things were better. My mom, dad, and sister were there with me and were great, just talking to me and holding my hand and telling me how I'd made it through just fine. The morphine didn't help me in the least, just gave me terrible nausea every time I administered it to myself. Finally on the third day they switched me to oxycodone, which was wonderful, and lo and behold, even helped me sleep a full night.

I got to come home on Friday, which was a long trip, 2 hours home, that's a long time when you're holding a pillow over a surgical incision. I'm now at my parents' house and trying to get well enough to go home alone.

Yesterday wasn't a particularly good day, I wanted to sleep all day, my incision hurt, and by night-time I was running a fever. Today's a little better, although the gas is unbelievable. I swear I could burp the National Anthem. But today after my shower, I got to use my regular old hair gel, my regular facial wash and lotion, and wore my contact lenses for the first time. I feel (and look) amazingly human.

So that's where things are right now. I have to go back to Roanoke Tuesday for an appointment with the surgeon. It's hard getting used to the drinking and sipping and feeling full and not dehydrating. But I'm still working on it.

Will write more later.

4/17/04 (2 weeks post-op):

Hello to all. I had a good day today, it was my first venture out of the house by myself - I drove myself to the movies! I felt like such an adult again! It was good, too. I had to walk a ways from the car to the theatre, and stand in line till they opened things up. I shifted a lot in my seat, but then again, I always do that. The sad thing was that after I came home and ate some pureed beans, I fell asleep like a baby, slept for over an hour. The ordeal just wore me out, I guess!

This brings me to a point, though. The point where I'm wanting to go back to my house and start life. My parents are definitely tugging me to stay, they don't think I'm ready to go be by myself. I'm doing all the normal daily activities (showering, dressing, getting out of chairs and beds) on my own anyway, I think it's time I try jumping out of the nest. I'm just afraid all kinds of psychological things are going to come into play when I try to leave.

My doctor's appointment Tuesday went very well. I got a good report, got promoted to pureed foods, and found out I'd lost 13.5 pounds, so that was great news. I'm going to try to weigh on the scale I have at home, it's about 2 pounds lighter than the scale at Dr Davies' office. But I'm trying my best not to be a slave to the scale. I don't want to count too much on it, and then go to Dr Davies' office, weigh there, and be disappointed.

4/26/04 (3 weeks post-op):

Hello, everyone. Three weeks out of surgery. According to my scales, 29 lbs lost. I'll take it.

I'm feeling stronger, although activity still leaves me quite tired. I should be used to tiredness after activity, but this is different than before surgery. This is the kind of tired where it's hard to stand upright. I guess it's the dreaded incision. The incision that keeps pulling me down, making me feel like I weigh more than I do, and has me scared I'm going to have a crease down my front for the rest of my life. Sorry, a little incision anger, there.

I was just writing in my weblog, the one thing at this point (and I know this shall change) that I just can't seem to get over is that I have no desire for food. I just don't want it. Not just the pureed whatever that's in front of me - even the good stuff, I've no desire for. It boggles my mind how a surgery could do that. Or is it all in my mind? Oh, I don't know. If I think about it too much it might change, so I'll just accept it and be happy.

The insurance has started to pay their part of the bills, I got that notice today. However, it looks like I'm going to be paying more out-of-pocket than I was expecting. My anesthesiologist's bill was mostly excluded for some reason. There's about $1200 for starters. Geez. I hope I don't end this up a pauper.

But, life goes on.

5/4/04 (4 weeks post-op):

Four weeks. It's not very fun right now. I'm sick of food, well, foods I can have, pureed everything. I'm sick of not being able to hold more than a few bites of anything, even the stuff I'm sick of eating! OK, I'm cranky. You guessed it.

I've decided to ban myself from my own scales for now, because I'm getting too attached to them. And they're varying, and that's upsetting me. At one point they showed I'd gained four pounds; I was caught between despair and disbelief. I can't handle that right now.

Other than that, started back to work this week, for a few hours each day, at least. That was hard, sitting on the office chair for that long, now my left side feels like I've been punched in the ribs.

Ummmm. Something tells me I'm too cranky to be writing here. I'll check back next week, maybe things will have cheered up some.

5/12/04 (5 weeks post-op):

Yesterday was my one month checkup with Dr Davies. I was disappointed. My weight loss was 31 pounds. I wanted more. I wasn't necessarily expecting more, I just wanted more. I was all deflated when I went into his office to meet with him, but he assured me this was right on schedule and I was doing fine.

I think the reason I've been depressed about all this is because on every diet (except one) I've ever been on, I've lost anywhere from 10-30 pounds, then blammo. It all stops, and starts coming back on. I'm now at 30 pounds, most of which came off in the first three weeks. I'm just expecting that wall to hit my face full force yet again like every other time.

Other than that, I found out I was dehydrated. (Just call me Dee Hydrated) All of the symptoms I was complaining about (constipation, dizziness, bad taste in my mouth) he said were coming from the fact I wasn't getting enough water in. So it's back to sip, sip, sip, sip, even if I feel I can't hold another bite.

I had my first dinner out at a restaurant yesterday! We had lunch at Red Lobster and I had a lovely piece of grilled Mahi Mahi with vegetables. There was so much on the plate, I ate about a 3d and took the rest home.

Then later last night, when I'd gotten home from our support group meeting (where apparently I learned NOTHING), I ate some more on the fish and broccoli of the vegetables. I felt myself getting full, but crammed a couple more bites in. Then it happened.

Oh, yes. I got sick. And let me tell you, it's no picnic. Incredible pain in between my chest and my stomach, and the urgent need to burp, but no burping taking place. I got up to walk around a little and thought, "Yep, as much as I hate to do this, I think it might be throw-up time." I didn't even have to force it. By the time I got to the toilet bowl, it was starting to come up. But it was AWFUL. Heave, heave, heave, and only a tiny bit would come up - and it was all broccoli! (Yes, my friends, take this as a warning!) It didn't really alleviate the pain, I went to bed with that, but I woke up about 3 this morning, and the pain was finally gone.

It was weird though; I've been enjoying strawberries immensely about the past 4 days, and I put a few in a bowl this morning for breakfast, and they had no appeal to me at all. I don't know if I was still sick from last night or what.

Oh well, I guess I'm officialy in The Club. I got sick and lived to tell. And believe me, there won't be any more cramming in of last bites, either.

5/18/04 (6 weeks post-op):

Another week and no weight lost. Fighting with my mother, who's seen fit to tell everyone in our town about my surgery even though I specifically asked her not to, fighting with my best friend, who'd rather psychologically analyze my every movement rather than, well, be my friend. Stuck at 31 pounds, eating the right things, exercising more. I feel completely hopeless right now.

All I want to do is go home and numb myself. Good thing I'm afraid to drink liquor.

Will write next week....

5/25/04 (7 weeks post-op):

Well, one more week and nothing lost. Well, as far as I know. On Sunday, the scales were packed up and taken to someone else's house. It was a life-saving device; I was going to have a stroke weighing myself and seeing no more weight loss.

Still in a major funk. My ankles are swollen, I've not got as much energy as I've had in weeks past, I'm still depressed.

I did have something of a golden moment the other day, though. On Sunday I went to a band concert, which was held in a high school auditorium. An auditorium whose seats I'd sat in many times, well, wedged myself into. There was room in the seat this time! I sat down and said, "Hmmm, this seat is roomy!"

I guess you take what you can get. Things'll get better. I hope.

5/31/04 (8 weeks post-op):

Wow. I can't believe it. Today I was out doing some errands and shopping, so I decided to zip by my parents house. This is where my scales are being held captive. Well, no, it's actually more like, my mom and dad are my scales' foster parents till I can take better care of them. Anyway, no one was home, so I slipped into my dad's study, where they're sitting, and I weighed.

I've lost 5 1/2 pounds this week. Oh, my Lord, was that a relief. My total is now 36 1/2 lost. And I feel good.

Really, I feel good not just about the poundage. I've been working really hard on forcing myself to get enough water and liquid, and to add more protein to my diet. My friend and surgery mentor gave me a stern lecture about how, just because I was getting some protein in every meal, I still wasn't getting enough. She gave me some hints, and recommended a protein drink called EAS Carb Control.

I got some and tried it. It comes in two flavors, citrus and berry. The citrus was nasty; I guess I could drink it in a pinch, but I'd sure rather not. It has that awful protein aftertaste. But the berry is really nice, you hardly even notice the aftertaste. That I can recommend.

I've also been noticing a lot more energy within myself, I want to DO things! I want to straighten up and organize my house, I want to take care of and even plant more flowers in my yard, I went shopping Saturday and walked around the ENTIRE store, browsing and looking and not being tired or wanting to sit down.

I also went to the movies last night and noticed again the roominess in the theater seat. I just LOVE that.

Can you tell my mood's lifting? I have three ladies post-surgery who've all given me the best advice and support. Thank you guys - or should I say gals - so much.

(By the way, sorry I keep changing the colors on my page - I just can NOT make up my mind what I want, so I'm trying everything. Bear with me.)

6/8/04 (9 weeks post op):

Saturday, June 5, I passed the two-month anniversary of my surgery. I celebrated by, well...actually, I didn't celebrate at all. I played in a band concert, then finished it off with a nap and some movies.

I'm choosing not to weigh this week; last week was so happy I'm not going to push it this time. Our area has a support group meeting next week, I figure maybe I'll try it again before that. That way if I get all depressed I'll have someplace to go.

Yesterday I wore something different to work. I found a few items in my "Old Clothes" reserve at my folks' house. I brought a few things back home to see if I could wear any of them, as my current clothes are finally starting to get kind of baggy. There was a black pullover tee in there. It was what I'd normally call "clingy," ie, it didn't fall all around me like a bag, but I felt comfortable enough to wear it, along with some flood pants and sandals. It felt really nice; I kind of felt like a girl, instead of a sexless blob, which is normally how I like to portray myself. Something new.

There was something else in that "few things" I brought back home; a pair of pants my mom had bought me a couple of years ago. I have no idea why I hadn't just thrown them away, that's what I usually do when she inevitably buys me clothes that are obviously not going to fit. These were khaki pants, no elastic in the waist, zip front. I tried them on just for a giggle, and I can ALMOST wear them. I mean, I'm so close to being able to wear those. Another few inches and I've got it. That's amazing.

See, this is the fun stuff. May it continue.

6/15/04 (10 weeks post-op):

Wow. It's not been ten weeks, has it? I guess it has.

Yesterday was my first swim of the season. I headed to my folks' house, and, as you would probably guess, decided to have a weigh-in before getting ready to go in the pool. Total lost is now 41 pounds. It's good. I like 41 pounds.

I also had a very interesting swim. Because I seem to need a new bathing suit. When I first tried it on, I noticed there was a lot more of it there than I was expecting there to be. Especially in the "upper area." As I walked out to the pool my straps were flopping all over the place.

After I picked out some goggles and started to swim, I realized something didn't feel just right. Then I noticed - I was basically coming out of my swimsuit! The bra part and straps were so loose I was flashing the neighborhood! Well, whatever part of the neighborhood were bored enough to be looking out their windows watching me swim.

Anyway, the more I swam, the more it happened, and the more I started to giggle. By about lap 25, it was ridiculous; but I soldiered on till I got to 30 laps, then did some water weight exercises too. And it felt good. I love to swim.

Other cool things: I'm wearing my ring again, my ring I had to periodically take off because it was tight and irritated my finger. One of my co-workers said, after watching me walk from my office to another, "Boy, you're really starting to show your weight loss. You even WALK different!" My best buddy made a similar remark last night, telling me about how he'd been looking at some pictures from last fall and how noticeable it was becoming that I was losing weight.

Support group meeting tonight. I must make myself ask the questions plaguing me since reading around on these message boards; wrong kind of calcium, wrong kind of vitamins, wrong everything. Can I be doing EVERYTHING wrong? I don't know, some folks on the message boards strike me as just a little too rabid. Or maybe I'm a little too laid back, I don't know. Probably so.

6/21/04 (11 weeks post-op):

Well, things are puttering along. I finally got a new bathing suit; at a REAL STORE, thank you, NOT from a "pick the biggest size they have" catalog. Ahhh, that was nice. Unfortunately, clothes haven't been that easy yet. I'm somewhere between my current crop falling off me and off the rack store clothes being a little tight. Hopefully, that's gonna change pretty soon.

Remember the trousers I was talking about a couple of weeks ago? The ones my mom bought me that I could basically not pull above my hips, and that I was (2 weeks ago) oh-so close to wearing? Well, I'd decided I wasn't going to try them on again till the end of the month, but Friday night I was puttering around the house and thought, oh, what the hell. They fit! No elastic waist, a zipper, and they fit! I was hoping to be in them by July 3d (a band concert I'm playing in), and I was 2 weeks ahead of schedule.

As of last night, total weight lost is 47 lbs. I've been saying I wasn't going to get ahead of myself, but I can see 50 coming, and it's sooo exciting. My best buddy was talking to me last night, asking me (he's asked several times before) if I REALLY couldn't see the difference in my looks - if it was that I actually didn't notice it when I look in the mirror. He seems to think I've seen myself as so heavy for so long, and I've let it skew my opinion of myself for so long, that no matter how much I lose, I'll never see it in myself - I'll always see myself as the "hugely fat woman." And he could be right, I'm not sure.

But self-analysis later, I suppose....

6/28/04 (12 weeks post-op):

Oh, man. I've joined the Half-Century club. 51 pounds lost. So exciting. I didn't think I'd ever see it, and now that I have, I feel like anything is possible.

I'm swimming more, working harder, keeping up the protein drinks, and trying to keep up the water. I know I haven't been as good there as I need to. I worry about that, but I do work on it.

I'm un-growing out of my clothes quickly. It's wonderful, and yet it's aggrivating. I'm going to have to come up with some clothing ideas. Shirts, you can wear bigger; pants, it doesn't quite work. And my smaller pair of jeans are now hanging on me. So if nothing else, I at least have to get new jeans.

I'm starting to look at myself differently. I can start to tell little things here and there in my looks, and it's weird. It's weird to start liking yourself. I am; I'm starting to like myself.

Those moments alone were worth the price of surgery.

7/5/04 (13 weeks post-op):

Today is my three month anniversary. I weighed in 56 pounds lighter than when I started. Dr Davies and I were shooting for 60 pounds by August 11, and though I don't want to jinx myself, I THINK it might be within reach.

I bought some new pants today - without trying them on. 2 pairs I could wear fine, 2 pairs were too small. There's me a challenge - work my way into those pants!

My best buddy Mr M took some photos of me yesterday, 3 months after my "night before surgery" pictures. At first I was disappointed, just not seeing much of a difference between the two sets. Until I uploaded them onto my website and got a chance to look at them side by side. I think it was the first time I could really see a difference in what's going on with my body.

And inside as well. I've found it's much easier to interact with people, easier to talk to strangers, I feel more open, and smile easier. It's just amazing. This surgery has changed me!

Highlights of my weekend were eating my first Mexican food since the surgery and having it not bother me a bit (just 2/3 of one enchilada instead of an entire plate of stuff), and confindently walking into the restaurant and sitting in a booth, not worrying about "not fitting."

My goal this week - NOT TO WEIGH! I took my scales to my parents' house so I wouldn't be weighing myself every day, but now that I'm at their house so often for my swimming, I tend to sneak in before every swim and weigh. I want to get away from that, and vow to myself not to weigh again till next Tuesday.

7/12/04 (14 weeks post-op):

Nothing much to report. Last night decided to weigh in before a swim, and to my amazement found that I'm exactly at 60 pounds lost. I felt bloated and like I was beginning another plateau. So to see 60 was fantastic.

Other than that, I'm just doing the same old things. Upped my swimming to 40 laps, I do that at least 3 times a week. I'm trying not to buy new clothes, but I did have to give in and get a new pair of jeans; my current ones were just hanging on me.

I'm trying a new protein drink this week, by Nectar, the people who brought you Fuzzy Navel. Their new flavor is (I think it's called) Roadside Lemonade. It's the best I've tried yet. No aftertaste at all. I got samples of it (and that's a great thing, that vitalady sells samples so you can taste), but I'm going back today to order a big jug of it.

Oh. And one other thing I can mention. The hair loss has officially begun. When people started telling me about my hair falling out, I thought, "Ehhh, my hair falls out now, big deal." But I have a feeling it's going to be a big deal. I took a shower last night and hair was intertwined all over my fingers and palms. Not good. Of course, I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been swimming, the chlorine, the washing of hair twice over to get all the chlorine out. I just hope it doesn't get too bad.

But that's it for this week. I have a band concert so I'll be missing support group meeting Tuesday night, which is a shame. I really like going.

7/19/04 (15 Weeks Post-Op):

OK. Had my first setback this week. On one of my many weighings - I'm just weighing too damn much lately - the scales showed I'd gained two pounds. Good Lord. You'd have thought someone had shot me. There was no living with me.

I didn't think about water weight, or just the changes a body goes through monthly, all I thought of was that I hadn't swam enough, only once last week, that I was a horrible person who'd screwed up her big opportunity by having surgery, and that I was surely going to hell. (And THAT'S why I was ordered to take my scales out of my house, I guess.)

Anyway, I hunkered down some and got some more exercise, and managed to stay off the scales till last night. Then to my surprise, I'd lost three pounds. That makes it a total of 61.

But I really need to stop obsessing. REALLY.

That's my goal for the week.

On the up side, I've really started to experiment with protein. I've been mixing the Nectar powders in Crystal Light and it helps so much. Fuzzy Navel in Crystal Light Pink Lemonade is great. Earlier this week I tried their new flavor for the first time, Roadside Lemonade. It's fine by itself, it tastes like the inside of a lemon chiffon pie. It's awfully sweet, though. I'll have to find something tart to mix it with, I was thinking maybe an orange flavor.

I also, on a whim, tried some Strive protein bars, chocolate and peanut butter. Those are excellent. They taste like actual food, which wasn't at all what I was expecting. I'd always heard protein bars tasted roughly like dirt. These are an exception.

That's all for this week.

7/28/04 (16 weeks post-op):

Nothing weight-wise to report. I'm plateauing again, so I'm trying to stay off the scales. Very depressing. I have four pairs of slacks that are too small for me that I thought I'd be in by now, but no, no, no. Still too tight on all of them.

I've had a good/bad week. Bad in that I still seem to be not doing well diet-wise. It's not that I'm eating the wrong things, it's that I can't seem to eat anything. It either makes me sick, or I get in 2 or 3 spoonsful and that's all I can stand. I'm sticking to having protein drinks and the Strive bars (which I've now finished the box, dammit) in an effort to get protein in, but this lack of eating thing is bothering me. I'm sure it has something to do with the plateau.

On the good side, over the weekend my best buddy and I went to a musical gathering in DC - well, actually, it was at the University of Maryland. I spent 3 days walking walking and more walking, standing, shopping - it was bliss. I wasn't tired, my knees and feet didn't ache, I wasn't all red-faced and covered with sweat. As I told my friend, before the surgery I could have never done that. Then I thought about it and said, more truthfully, before the surgery I couldn't have made myself even go to such a thing.

It's wonderful when you get that feeling of strength.

Tonight it's back to swimming, the weather here has sucked lately, so I've given it a pass for a while. I've got to get back into it tonight. You know, that's another thing that was suggested to me. Swimming every night till I'm too tired to get of the pool could be building me muscle mass that's taking away from the weight loss.

Oh well. Appt with Dr Davies this coming Tuesday, less than a week. I'll write down a list of questions for him.

By the way, if anyone's interested, I thought I'd post the url for my first set of before an after pics:

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/be3t/3monthpics.html

8/4/04 (17 weeks post-op):

Yesterday was my 3-month (although it's almost four months now) checkup with Dr Davies. All seems to be well. He smiled, so all must have been well.

They have me with officially 62 pounds lost. I had me with unofficially 66. I figured part of that out - they started me at 375, and I started me at 377. They weigh you on your first visit, then your pre-op visit, but they go by your first visit. My pre-op visit was 2 pounds heavier (my Farewell To Eating Tour), so I used that as my "starting weight." Then the other two must have just been scale differences. Odd, I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be over a difference of four pounds. Must have been in a devil-may-care mood.

Anyway, I told the doctor about the throwing up, and he explained that while there are certain times you'll get sick, even off things you've tolerated fine before, from my explanation it sounded like I may not be chewing my food as well as I should. And I have no trouble believing that - I mean, I try to chew well, but sometimes I get lazy or bored or in a hurry, or tired of my food being liquified when it goes down. But I told him I'd work on it.

I also told him (again) I didn't feel like it was coming off fast enough, and he assured me that I was fine and right on track. He also said I wouldn't believe how fast it would start dropping off.

And then, the hard part came. As I may have mentioned above, I'm not sure, Dr Davies is retiring in October, so he told me this is the last time he'd see me. He gave me some words of wisdom, "Diet, diet, diet, exercise, exercise, exercise," and shook my hand. I thanked him for all he'd done for me, and started to get a little misty, but held it back nicely.

After the appointment, I did a little clothes shopping. THAT was hard. Not knowing what sizes I'm in now, knowing all brands size differently. Anyway, I hit a couple of sale racks and bought a few items. Then I treated myself to a DVD I've been wanting a long time.

Also stopped to have lunch along the way home, and sat in a booth. It's funny, I'm still a little apprehensive when they show me to a booth, but it's such a rush to not have to wedge myself into one!

8/12/04 (18 weeks post-op):

Been a more-of-the-same kind of week. Work's a zoo, haven't exercised as much as I'd like, owing to time constraints and weather. But I did weigh last night and the tally is now 69 pounds (this is going by my scale). I was so happy and excited I swam 60 laps instead of 50.

I've now had three people who know me as an acquaintance come up and ask me if I've lost weight and tell me I look good. Boy, it's hard to know how to react to that, it's embarrassing in a way, and in another way it's wonderful! It's worth a million bucks to know other people are starting to see it.

Other than that, I'm just really tired. Not physically tired, more weary. On the road a lot, and spending the weekends out of town, and just wish I could curl up at home for about five days and have no one bother me.

Sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I couldn't sleep for 24 hours straight. I guess this old body's gone for so long with bad sleep, it's getting addicted to the good kind.

Other than that, just more of the same.

8/19/04 (19 weeks post-op):

It's been an odd week. Someone posted on the messageboard today about being bored. Not tired, not unhappy, just bored. And several people responded that they felt the same way. Well, I feel that way too.

It's been too cold to swim (though that will change today), I've not really done much exercise-wise till Monday and yesterday, when I did some low-impact aerobics. I will say I was pretty proud of that, I made it all the way through the 35-minute tape both times.

But the exercising is blah, my eating habits have been blah (no puking though since going back on the Zantac), I think what happens is that after you have surgery your "new life" takes up all of your time. You're either excited, or sick (if you're not so lucky as I was), and fascinated with all the changes. Then your life evens out back into "everyday stuff" and it's just *yawn*. I'm pretty much at that point.

However, that's not to say things aren't good at times. As of today (I'm taking a very strict 'no more than weighing once a week' rule), the total loss is 72 lbs. I'm happy to be over 70 now.

Just hope the "everyday life" doesn't mean "returning to everyday habits."

8/27/04 (20 weeks post-op):

Ho-hum. Haven't written this week because there's nothing to report, really. My strict 'no more than weighing once a week rule' went by the wayside, probably about 20 minutes after I typed it above. Miss sticktoitiveness, that's me.

Tuesday I weighed in at my mom's before swimming and I'd gained two pounds. I was crushed. Crushed because I've been doing everything right lately. I threw out all my bad snacks, I've been pushing in as much protein as I can, drinking water till I'm about to burst.... And nothing on the scale but a gain.

I told my mom to hide my scales, and if I asked for them within a week, to tell me "no." If I wait a week, she can think about it and decide if I need to weigh or not.

Let's see, no weight lost, what else - oh, hair falling out at a rate of knots. One shower and it looks like my tub has a furry bathmat on it. I started on Biotin this week, but I don't hold out much hope. Too many people have said it didn't work for them, but I'll try anything at this point.

So there. Not the best week. Not the worst, but not the best.

9/2/04 (21 weeks post-op):

And in a holding pattern. I did get my scales back, well, not back in my house, but it was over a week, so my mom told me where she hid them in her house. I weighed last night. I'm back to 305, back at 72. I'm still plateauing and not moving. Lots of things are not moving. In fact, I told Mom last night, "There are three things I'm sure of. I'm sure I'm never gonna lose another pound, I'm going to end up bald, and I'm never going to the bathroom again. No wonder I'm irritable."

I tried something for the irregularity and it didn't work. I guess I need to do it naturally and try to eat more "go-foods."

My beautician gave me a vitamin made by Nioxin that's supposedly very good for hair and nails and skin. Gave it to me for free (!) just asked that if I liked it, I'd buy it from her in the future. I started taking it today. It has biotin in it too, so I'm going to ditch the biotin I got last week. I think. Anyway, we'll see.

Other than that, just more of the same. My folks' pool is having some chlorine problems, so I've been trying to make myself walk and/or do low-impact aerobics. I've had a couple of "no exercise" days (like today). I always feel bad about that.

I'm really groovin' on salads now. I love to take a Wendy's side salad and put something on top of it, either crumble some Tuna Creations or cut up some lunch meat or cheese on top. Then put a little basalmic vinaigrette on it. Makes a perfect meal. Scares me though, that I can eat a whole one, but someone told me it's because lettuce basically turns to water when you chew it so you can hold more.

I had a very strange episode Friday afternoon; dumping on water. I think I drank too much too fast. It was horrendous, I was sick for hours, and heaved and retched, but because all I had on my stomach was water, nothing was coming up. I was miserable. Very odd.

And so, that's it for this week.

9/10/04 (22 weeks post-op):

Hello world. Here I am again, sitting at work, living my boring life. Not that that's bad, I've gotten some rest this weekend (probably more than I should have),in fact it's probably good, because my "busy season" is just about upon me. Oktoberfest time! Our band (The Sauerkraut Band) starts rehearsing Sunday, then our first performance will be 9/18. Then it's traveling back and forth, up the mountain to the lodge, twice weekly for the next six weeks. Phew - I'm tired just thinking about it.

My five month anniversary passed this week. It was Sunday, Sept 5, also my mom's birthday. Maybe that's why it totally slipped by me. I can't believe I forgot it. Labor Day was extremely lazy and I basically shat the day away. It was very depressing. I had plans of stuff to do and didn't do any of them.

I don't know why I'm so blase about all this - I weighed this week and the scales finally moved. I've now lost 76 pounds. I was totally shocked when I saw the numbers come up, I just didn't feel lighter and wasn't expecting it.

When the number flashed up "300.5" I nearly fell out. The 300 mark is that most golden of goals - I wanted to go below 300 so much. Now I feel like it's possible.

(BTW, I "round up." So I count 300.5 as 301, thus losing 76 lbs)

Till next week....

9/16/04 (23 weeks post-op):

A big day for me. I zipped by my mom and dad's on the way home from work to pick something up. Had no intentions of weighing, but my mom asked if I was going to. I said, no, I didn't feel very light today, and she coaxed me into doing it anyway.

I'm officially at 79 pounds lost, but what's more - I'm at 298. I made it under 300. That makes me happy. It's been a long, long time since I've been here.

I bought a few clothes today, I'm trying to get just a few pieces when I have some extra money. I tried on a pair of pre-surgery pants this morning thinking I could fake my way into wearing them to work, and they were HUGE. I had to take them off and put them with the unwearables.

Bought a pair of pants, and two shirts, both on sale! Then I came home and rearranged all my jewelry. It's funny, I never wore jewelry when I was at my heaviest, now I love picking it out and wearing it.

It's a good day.

9/27/04 (25 weeks post-op):

Wow - I missed a week updating. I feel bad - if I'd had a lot in my life going on I wouldn't have felt so bad, but I didn't. I guess I was just lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

I seem to want to sleep a lot. Swimming is over, and I can't get motivated to do anything else. Support group meetings are on hold. Life's in a rut. I'M in a rut.

I've lost 80 pounds, which I guess isn't too bad considering the lack of exercise, but I have to get back into that. Starting tonight I'm going back to my "old" rule: Exercise first thing after work. No checking emails, no watching TV, no puttering around the house. Exercise, then whatever there's time left for.

I miss support group. I complained about the amount of driving it took to get there, but I'd gladly drive it now to be able to meet with Kay and the rest of the group. Hopefully it'll start back in November. Wonder where I'll be then? In those damn black pants yet?

I bought these two pairs of pants back in July. Just plain cotton capri pants, size 26. One was black, one was red. I tried them on when I got home - couldn't wear them. And as I've lost weight, and inches, and gotten into all KINDS of other pants, those pants are still unwearable. I keep the black ones out to try on every week or so - I swear, sometimes I think if I'd lose down to 120 those pants wouldn't fit! Anyway, the time for capri-wearing is growing VERY short, and I'd love to be able to wear those CRAPPY-ASS PANTS ONE TIME BEFORE IT GETS COLD! Sorry, I'll let that rant go now, I promise.

My 6-months comes up next week. New pictures, and I told myself I was going to try a little wine. My band is doing Oktoberfest this month, and I've been very strict about the drinking, that I'd do nothing for six months. I'm going to "practice" at home first, though, to make sure it won't make me barf on the band, or pee my pants, or pass out into the drum kit. It's funny, though - I haven't missed alcohol in the least, till I got up there.

Come to think of it, I haven't missed alcohol, sugar, or carbonated beverages. I have missed hamburgers and pasta, but only in my mind. I've tried to eat both, and did a big fat bleeccccch each time.

OK. More exercise, less sleeping. Till next week.

10/6/04 (26 weeks post op):

Six months. I had my six month anniversary yesterday. I've lost 81 pounds. So why don't I feel better?

It all started when I took my six-month pictures. Well, no, I take that back - it all started on the weekend when I had saw some pictures of myself at Oktoberfest. Then I took the six-month pictures. And I hated them so much I took some more. And I hated THOSE so much, I took some more. And I hated those, but realized that for some reason lately I'm hating all pictures of myself, so why bother with a fourth set?

I'm starting to see myself as just as fat and ugly as before surgery. This is a very worrying thing. I can't understand it. I can look at a picture and know I've lost 81 pounds (at least) since it was taken, and yet, I still see it as the same. Maybe the honeymoon is over, I don't know. All I know is that I'm frustrated.

I want more weight off. Now. I want to wake up tomorrow morning and be at 100 lbs lost. And since we know that's not going to happen, I sit and look at my 81 pounds, and seethe and gnash my teeth, and hate myself. And then look at my picture and think about how ugly I look.

Anyway, here's a link to those dreaded six-month pictures:

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/be3t/6monthpics.html

It's one of those days. Maybe things will be better. I hope things will be better.

10/15/04 (27 weeks post-op):

Nothing to report. 82 pounds. Everything's boring.

A Curves came to our town, and I keep wanting to go check it out and sign up. What's keeping me from it? I've no idea. I seem to be like a rat in a maze lately - work, home, housework, sleep, eat, work, bands, travel, Oktoberfest.

I'm just tired. I need a break. I'm taking one the first week of November. Taking a week off from work. Hopefully my outlook will change.

10/20/04 (28 weeks post-op):

Geez. Geez weez. Well, I don't know if I can still say everything's boring or not.

All that 'rat in a maze' stuff I was talking about above? Well, apparently it got me quite run down, because I caught something over the weekend that absolutely knocked me flat on my ass. Sore throat, chills, aches, fever - bad fever, almost 102, and I'm not one who runs a fever. I took a day off work to nurse it, drank a lot of liquids (and realized I wasn't getting ANY protein), and now I'm back at work, though still feeling awfully rough.

I wonder if the surgery and my 'new system' had anything to do with it.

I've still not weighed, I'm almost afraid to because I'm not feeling lighter or looser in my clothes. I'm really afraid I may have hit that six-month plateau. Then again, I don't see myself doing much to kick it out of the way. (Still haven't visited Curves yet.)

I think I might run to my mom's and weigh during lunch. If the scale would happen to move, I'll post it here. But don't hold your breath.

UPDATE! Well, maybe there's something to be said for being sick. Went by the folks' to weigh, and had lost SEVEN pounds. Total of 89. Now that's a day brightener!

10/28/04 (29 weeks post-op):

Nothing to report - I've not weighed, not secure enough to do it again this soon. Another boring week.

I found out last night that at over 6 months, I STILL can't digest chicken - real chicken, that is, not the processed (or as my buddy calls it "pre-chewed") kind of chicken of chicken nugget fame. I ate a chicken breast last night and after about four bites it stuck in me like a brick.

I'm thinking changes are afoot for the future for me. This weekend will be the last week of Oktoberfest, so alcohol's going back on the shelf, I'm taking next week off on vacation, and the first day of it I'm FORCING myself to go join Curves. I'll have a whole week of days to go work out and get used to it. I'm also getting rid of everything in my house that's not doing me any good, like popcorn, which I've discovered is incredibly evil - I can eat a whole bowl of it with no symptoms of fullness whatsoever.

I'll report then and let you know what's become of me.

11/4/04 (30 weeks post-op):

A glorious week off work, and a glorious success for me. 2 more pounds lost, a total of 91, but that's not the success. I finally went and joined Curves. Went Monday morning, worked out when I joined up, then went back Tuesday, and today. Left out Wednesday because my knees and back were hurting a little, but am planning on going again tomorrow. I really like it. It's fun, even though the music they play is really hokey. I guess I can deal with that. Anyway, I'm proud of myself for taking the plunge, and I hope that once I go back to work next week and have to go in the afternoon when it's more crowded, I'll still be as faithful.

Oktoberfest ended this past weekend. I got really drunk, drunk past the point of it being fun. I left my bottle of liquor up on the mountain when I left. I did that because my drinking is going to stop. It's all situational - I liked drinking in that situation, but it's over now, so I'm leaving it behind. I also threw away the clove cigarettes. I'm being a good girl.

The week off has basically been working out and cleaning up around my house, but I've enjoyed it. Can't believe there's only one more day to go. Then it'll be back to work on Monday. Depressing.

But I'm enjoying what I have right now.

11/11/04 (31 weeks post-op):

Didn't weigh this week. Decided to give myself a break. (That's a lie, actually I was chicken.)

Well, I've passed my first test, tentatively. It was "can I still keep going to Curves and working out after my vacation's over and I have to go during the rush of the evening when all the other women are there." So far the answer to that is a yes. I even had to wait for a spot in the rotation Monday night, and did so. Proud of myself for that.

Not so proud of my diet lately, which has included junk food (stuff like Cheetos) as a meal in lieu of something healthy. Drinking too much coffee, smoking too many cigarettes. If I don't watch out, I'm going to fall over and not be able to get back up. I keep giving myself the excuse that I'm really busy right now, and too busy to take the time to do things "right."

I have been eating lots of green salads with ground flax seed on them, and I believe Dame Tooter is correct in stating the benefits of this. Plus, they don't taste bad, either.

Someone from the community band I'm in came to practice last night with two bags of clothing for me. They were her mother-in-law's, who can't wear them anymore. I was incredibly touched. It was really hard for me to take them, because I'm not used to people outside my immediate circle of friends and family to talk to me about my weight, etc. She's a little heavy, though, so I guess she felt a kindredship to me in some way. Anyway, the clothes are so nice, and so welcome, several pairs of slacks which are what I need the most right now. I'm just pants-poor.

People are nice!

11/22/04 (33 weeks post-op):

OK, so I missed another week writing. I suck. But I've lost 94 pounds now. It's moving slow, but at least it's moving.

I'm going to Curves four nights a week. I'm happy about that, especially about the fact that there've been a couple of times I've been so tired or sleepy all I've wanted to do is lie down, and still made myself get up and go.

Diet-wise, not so good. I'm not eating enough. Enough protein to be sure, but enough overall. Not drinking enough either. I'm trying, really I am. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough.

I had a kind of scary moment last night. I was sick twice over the weekend, dinner Saturday night and lunch Sunday. I was driving home from my friend's house, it was dark, and I felt myself getting dizzy. I felt like I was going down. It was a little worrying. I started drinking water there in the car, and got something to eat as soon as I got home.

I need to take better care of myself. Back in the rut of too much work, too much running, not enough "me" time. I need some more "me" time.

12/3/04 (34 weeks post-op):

It's been an interesting week. I found out Monday after working out that I've lost 98 pounds. My biggest move in a long time, and it felt GREAT.

I've been working really hard at protein. Making myself go back to drinking the protein drinks. It's not that I dislike them that much; to be honest, I just flat got out of the habit of drinking them. I'm making a concerted effort to get back in the habit. Working on the protein in the diet too.

Didn't do great about working out, but I seem to have a lot energy and am getting more done than I would normally do. Things around the house. I'm even a little excited about Christmas decorations.

I was really hoping for a 100 lb loss by Christmas, and though I'm not calling ANYTHING a sure thing, I feel good I'll make it.

I'm officially in the 270s now - I never thought I'd ever see that.

12/5/04 (35 weeks post-op):

Today is my 8 month anniversary. I spent some time reflecting on the past 8 months and weight lost. I wrote as honestly as I could how I feel in my surgery blog. I'll leave a link below if anyone is interested in reading it:

http://progressionbackwards.blogspot.com

Thanks

12/17/04 (36 weeks post-op):

I can't believe I haven't written yet. This past Saturday I hit the 100 pounds lost mark. It was exciting, to say the least. I've celebrated by not weighing at all this week!

I wanted to do something special to mark my Century. I don't go in for tattoos, and I'd be open to an ear-piercing, but I don't know where else I'd put one. So I think I'm just going to buy myself something special. I've been going back and forth on whether or not to buy a new digital camera, and so I decided to just go for it and give myself a present.

I'm getting ready for Christmas - odd, the year I don't mind getting out and treading the shops is the year our family's taking a big trip to New Orleans for the holiday and forgoing gifts. I still have a few things to pick up here and there, though, and am ready to fight the crowds to do it tomorrow.

Don't really have much else to say, other than life is good. I really appreciate life right now.

12/22/04 (37 weeks post-op):

Hello and Merry Christmas. It's the day before I leave for New Orleans. Already a little family squabbling, but I'm trying to work past it. I want this to be a stress-free trip.

I've now lost 102 pounds. It's funny - I was so intent on losing 100, and I guess I just kind of figured I'd magically stop after that. I hadn't even weighed myself since I lost 100. Then Monday night I decided to give it a try and had lost 2 more.

Also odd that I'm getting ready to go to one of the best food cities in the world. There was a time I'd have been rabid over that, wondering where and what and how much I could cram in. Now I'm not even thinking about it. I'm more excited about shopping and listening to live music.

I don't guess I'll EVER get over how the surgery has taken away that constant hole in me that I could only fill up with food. I still don't know how it works, but I'm thankful for it.

I haven't been to Curves in 2 weeks now, yes, I'm officially wasting my money, but I'll get back in the swing of going after the holidays. If I don't, then I deserve to have thirty bucks taken from me every month. I'm also perilously close to becoming a smoker, it's not a flirtation anymore. I keep telling myself I'll stop. We'll see - I'll be around family all during the trip, if I see fit to pull one out and smoke in front of them, then I'll know I'm officially a smoker.

To anyone who reads this, I wish you peace and happiness this holiday.

1/7/05 (39 weeks post-op):

Wow, I've been lax in keeping up. I'll blame it on the holidays.

Christmas is over! New Year's is over! I've lost 105 pounds! That's not bad, considering exercise is still on hold (I'm blaming a pulled muscle in my shoulder, but it's actually laziness), and holiday eating, which I actually did very little of. No big meals, no sweets (and I swore I was going to try some rice pudding while I was in New Orleans - when the time came I didn't have the nerve or the desire), so I guess holiday eating doesn't apply.

The trip to New Orleans was wonderful - it SNOWED! I walked all over the place, from the hotel to the French Quarter and all around, and never got tired. It was a gift - I would have never imagined it in a lifetime, and before surgery would have been so miserable being on my feet all day. I got to listen to some live music, and, get this - even danced! Right there on a dance floor for all to see! I pretty much sucked at it, but I had a ball and didn't feel the least bit self conscious.

Now it's back home and to work and the daily grind. Made a horrible mistake this week when my shoulder went out - thought I'd be a big ike and take some oxycodone I had left from the surgery for the pain. I got SO SICK. I felt really good for about an hour, then massive foamies and nauseau and - well, it wasn't pretty. It went down the sink drain after that.

Haven't weighed in a week or so, might do that tonight when I run by to visit my folks before they go back to Florida. I don't feel any lighter, though. Ever the pessimist.

I took some 9 month pictures (1-5-05 was 9 months), and as soon as I get them cropped, I'll put them online and provide a link. If anyone's out there.

Woo - that was quick. A mere two hours later, and here's the link to the 9 month pics:

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/be3t/9monthpics.html

1/24/05 (41 weeks post-op):

According to a British psychologist, January 24 is to be the most depressing day of the year. Hmmm. Well, Johnny Carson died, and that's pretty damn depressing. We're under 6 inches of snow, and it's colder than blue blazes. Or are blue blazes hot? Never mind. I like the snow, but it's pretty dreary outside.

I keep forgetting to update my page. I guess this is because I tie everything so closely to my weighing, and I haven't weighed in a while. Because I felt really fat, and I hadn't lost anything the last two times I weighed.

But, snowbound and all, I trekked to the folks' house today to do the deed. And imagine my surprise when the scale said 267! That's a whole five pounds since my last weigh-in. And here I thought I was starting the big plateau. I was really really happy.

So where am I now? Still lazy, still not at Curves, where my big (it's still big, even after losing 110) ass needs to be. Trying really hard to eat better, and I've been doing pretty good lately. The hair started falling out again, so I'm trying to cram in as much protein as I can. I'm going to have to force myself to go back to the protein drinks, which I've been off of for about 6 weeks. And they don't taste that bad, really, I just hate making them every morning.

Had a good weekend. It was our annual "girls weekend" at work, where the boss takes us away for the weekend to a nice hotel and buys us dinner, then we shop a lot, and giggle, and it's like a big pajama party. I've absolutely HATED the shopping portions of these weekends in the past, because I couldn't walk for more than about an hour, and absolutely LOVED the eating portions. This year it was a little different.

I liked the shopping, walked all day for two days, and the eating portion was fun, but not the be all and end all like it used to be. The big news was that at dinner both nights I found myself flirting with our waiters. My co-workers were rolling their eyes, but I was having a blast. And I think one of the waiters thought it was funny, too. I don't think I've EVER openly randomly flirted before.

I bought 3 pairs of trousers, at Kohl's. I've never been able to shop there before, was always too big to buy their clothes. I bought size 24s and they fit perfectly. I bought clothes in a regular store!! Geeeez, I felt so normal!

I always poo-pooed "normal." I thought "unique" was the way to go. Now I'm finding there's happiness in being both.

2/2/05 (42 weeks post-op):

Well, the heady happiness of losing 110 pounds is gone by the wayside. Decided to weigh last night and I'd gained two. I knew I shouldn't have done it - I had to pee. I'm convincing myself I had two pounds of pee in me.

Other than that, everything's status quo. Everything I've mentioned above is still the same.

Except I got a little bit of a shock last night when my best buddy laid it on me that I've been exceedingly negative lately. "Oppressively negative," I think is how he put it. I was a little hurt by this, but mainly just shocked. I thought I'd been doing pretty good in that area. Not downing myself nearly as bad as I have in the past and all that. Oh well, I don't know if it's true or he just wanted to pick a fight. I didn't give him one, just accepted the information and said thank you.

But it bothered me. It's still bothering me.

2/9/05 (43 weeks post-op):

Well, I'm still feeling completely pre-menstrual (The second week it's been going on). Still bloaty and crampy and full. Knowing all this, I went to weigh anyway. I'm so smart.

Imagine my surprise when I'd lost two pounds. Well, two off the original tally, which would mean four since the last time I weighed and had my two pound weight gain. So I'm still slow, but I haven't stopped quite yet.

The menstrual thing is weird. I haven't had periods in ages, and was told years and years ago it was because of my weight. I'd been given some hormones last year that were supposed to kick-start things into gear, but after my surgery I stopped taking them (I was taking so much other stuff then). Still, I kind of half expected it all to start working again when I started losing weight, but no cycle. Now it really feels like I'm going to, but things just won't actually start. Well, who knows. I go back to that doctor in May, I'll wait till then and listen to her expertise on the subject.

Everything else is status quo. Work, music practice, eating the same old things (why haven't I gotten sick of salami and cheese yet?). Oh! POTATO CHIPS! Potato Chips are the devil. Had my first ones since surgery over the weekend and was massively dumping sick, then was actually stupid enough to eat a handful with lunch Monday, and the same thing happened all over again.

Like I said. I'm so smart.

2/22/05 (45 weeks post-op):

Ooops. I missed a week again.

Interesting times. Let's see. After two excruciating weeks of pre-menstruality, I finally - all on my own without any hormonal help - had a period. It was glorious. Well, in a really icky sort of way. Anyway, it didn't last as long as I was expecting it to (only 5 days) and is over now. And so is THAT the reason that of today I've lost 117 pounds?? That's the biggest poundage jump I've had in a long time, 4 pounds in a week. Wowie. THAT was nice.

Other than that, I had kind of a mini-nervous breakdown over the weekend. I, well, I hit the wall, as they say. It was bound to happen, I'd been sailing along since the surgery in April without a big depressive episode, which I'm prone to having. It had been building up for a month or two, somewhere in the back of my mind I could tell it was, but I kept pushing it away and not acknowledging it. And finally Saturday and Sunday it all came to the surface.

I cried, I screamed at my friend, I beat my thigh till I thought I must have broken it. It was ugly and embarrassing, but I'm rebuilding now. I'm rereading some books that have helped me in the past, and am trying to calm down a little and give myself a break. But it's hard. It's hard, but I'll get through it.

I guess it goes back to the golden rule of wls: the problems you have before are not going to go away just because the weight does. Remember this.

3/14/05 (48 weeks post-op):

Wow, it's been a long time since I came here. It's also very close to coming up on a year. A whole year.

Odd time for me right now. I'm feeling very ambivalent about everything. It seems like for so long you're consumed with learning how to live differently, excited about the changes, sick, tired, blissfully happy, and it's all tied to surgery. Now, frankly, I'm kind of sick of surgery.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't regret it, not for one second. I'm not mad, or depressed, I just don't want to think about it right now. I'm convinced I've lost all I'm going to lose - I lost 1.5 more pounds this week, and I'm STILL convinced I've lost all I'm going to. And it's not that that makes me incredibly unhappy. I just don't see myself any smaller than I am now. I don't know, hard to explain.

A lot of my life is pretty hard to explain right now. Maybe I'm having a very sedate nervous breakdown.

Anyway, 118.5 lost, not exercising enough, smoking too much, eating better, finding lots of activities to do so I'm not completely idle. Just trying to live an everyday life, which I guess is what I wanted when I first set out to have this surgery.

So maybe I'm not a failure after all.

3/29/05 (51 weeks post-op):

OK. So it's been another long stretch between writing. Things have been good, things have been bad. Coming up on 1 year. That's hard to believe.

121.5 is total poundage lost. I used to not count half-pounds, but at this point, I'll count everything. Next week, the day before my 1 year anniversary, I have an appointment with my new surgeon. Well, the man who took over for my old surgeon; since I've already had surgery I don't know if I'm supposed to refer to him as "my new surgeon." I'm a little apprehensive - I knew, liked, respected, and trusted Dr Davies. I know nothing about this man. I hope he's nice. I hope he's understanding.

I've been tired lately, mildly depressed, and sad. Worried about some things in my future, and not able to forgive myself for some things in the past. That's a tough one, self-forgiveness. I keep going, though. Trudging along on the treadmill of life, that's me.

I'm happy I passed the 120 mark. It took its sweet time, but I finally got there.