I love life! After leaving my abusive husband last year, I found out there is a life to be lived. I have just completed my first semester of college. Wow, something I never thought I would do. So, here I am, getting sicker and sicker, swelling up like a balloon all semester, living at the ER at the hospital, getting to know all the paramedics of the two different ambulance companies AND the fire department like they were my family hahaha, and FINALLY in April this year I get diagnosed with secondary pulmonary hypertension AND for then right sided congestive heart failure because I was a waddling water balloon and almost to 400 pounds!! Why oh Why didn't I get this done a few years ago when I was a bit lighter and had a few less co morbidities? Guess I was still hoping I could do it on my own. YARITE...all my life I have tried...and to no avail...
NOW, I cannot find anyone who is brave enough to touch me...Not even Dr. Oliphant in Champaign who does these surgeries regularly and has a great program set up. Imagine that. Even his hospital has ICU and CCU along with cardiologists, and pulmonologists. Go figure. Well, at least he was man enough to admit he was not experience with this high a risk. But, that does not make me feel any better...who wants to face a slow agonizing death...I mean, already have asthma, emphysema and COPD...now this!! And my heart is just fine too...no blockages or anything. Just a mile long list of co morbidities. Why do genetics and medications have to intefere with your life along with stress that throws you into eating frenzies. Mind you, they came along before I left the old man and before I learned about me and resolved the old issues and found out just how to calm my mind. Sometimes grief and depression do spill over, but I know now how to deal with them. Tears are wonderful tools just as this surgery is. So is music. By all means use them. Find trance music, make cds or buy them...they are great for taking your mind to the beach or the mountains and taking a break there and getting away from pain, worry, stress and whatever you need a break from. Wonder if I could find a surgeon there? ;-]
Music is my first love, along with life, my black 4-legged angel that was rescued from the animal shelter. She was so mistreated and ignored. But she picked me when I saw her and I picked her. I think it was fated that we be together. Nothing is at random I believe. I feel it is already written in the stars. By the powers that be...so, if I am not meant to have this surgery, then so be it. Maybe I am here to see you all thru yours and to help the others that do not get theirs too. We shall see. I have already been chosen to help other abused people online. I already do that. That is also what I attend college for. All the adversitites I have been thru have shown me where I am to head in the long run. It has also shown me my true self. I am much more gentle and see others in new light now. I can empathize much easier.
If anyone needs me, please feel free to contact me thru email or on here. Soon, I shall appear in the chat room.
My concern is violence, terrorism be it national, domestic as in abuse or whatever. Remember abuse is physical or emotional (mental). If anyone makes fun of you or calls you names, you have just been abused. You do not have to settle for that either. I did all my life until recently. I do not get violent back, but there is no telling what I might say to the abuser. I have been known for some really great reactions. I am not afraid to call authorities also.
I love to help people whenever I can, with whatever I am able to offer. Including prayer to the powers that be. Now, please do not get the wrong impression of that saying. I am not a satanist, nor do I worship the devil or baal, or any other idol. I just do not know what name you call your God. I do not know what religion you are. This is controversy but how I believe from my experiences, I do not do organized religion because of so much hypocrisy I have seen in the churches. So, I practice my own prayers and a sort of worship at my place or wherever I may be. I believe that not one of us know the actual name of *God* and I believe that *God* is merciful and does not cause or carry all this violence on. I believe that hell is happening right here on earth right now and that armageddon is coming soon. And I am alright with it. I also believe in soulmates and fate and destiny and being reincarnated and searching over lifetimes and generations for your soulmate time and time again to be together each time you are reborn. So you see, I am waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy out there. I feel the soul is energy and continues on and on......yet, we come back each trip to learn something new.....or to advance.....or to finish something we did not get to get done because something got in the way. Maybe we have to come back to help someone else.....Thus your angels on your site.......what a glorious idea. Angels are real...I hope you all know that.......just look for them.......
Ok I will add more rantings and ravings later...I am going to bed now........contact me anytime.......no I am not insane, just think a lot....meditate....and pray and sing .........
PEACE see you in email, message boards and chat
Ok, I have been to see Dr. Berkowitz in Schaumburg at the BTC. Naturally he regretfully turned me away. Seems they do not have an ICU at his hospital in Belvidere and he felt for sure that I would come out of surgery straight to ICU on a ventillator. Needless to say I was totally upset as this was the 3rd or 4th doctor to refuse me because of my pulmonary hypertension and copd and asthma, plus all my other co-morbidities. I guess I should include my sleep apnea with those too.
There was a visiting surgeon from Chicago in Champaign that suddenly had something else and somewhere else to go when I decided to go ahead with the surgery...guess he wanted me to back down when he told me I had a 4% chance of dying on the table. But my son and I did the math and with help we noticed that I had a 96% chance of living and the nurses at that clinic agreed with me. They were all ready to help me and were so apologetic when the doctor skipped. That doctor was Dr. Frizza. Then Dr. Oliphant from Carle Clinic admitted he did not feel confidant enough to do me. At least he was honest about it. I was not too happy, but at least he was man enough to face it. I did appreciate his honesty also. Dr. Berkowitz was a gentle doctor. He also felt badly that he was unable to accomodate me. His major concern was for my safety and health. When I started crying he let me stay in the office with the door closed as long as I needed plus gave me a refund of the $85. The counselor came back in and gave me some kleenex and apologized too. She felt awful too. I said I did too and was trying to figure out where to go from there.
I am still trying to figure out where to go now. Am trying to get in touch with Dr. Rorscheib's nurse in Clinton, Il, because I read that he will operate at Carle Hospital also if you so desire. I also got in touch with OSF St. Francis Medical Center in Peoria, Il. They want $200 up front for their support and education groups, consultation with surgeon and psych eval. They will give you a partial refund if you decide you do not want the surgery.
This is getting to be a very hard search. Even by email. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and then I look in the mirror and I try to take a deep breath...well, that changes my mind quickly.
So, I continue on my search.....more to come....
6/24/02 - 11:48pm
Well, I just found another organization that does the WLS. Think I will give them a call in the morning. Can't hurt to try...well it will only hurt my ego and phone card. This is the Wish Org. and I found it here I think. Dr. Salvino is associated with this organization which is located out of Downers Grove, Il. Dr. Salvino is also a trauma surgeon as are many of the surgeons he is associated with. They operate out at Good Samaritan Hospital in Downers Grove, Il, too. This hospital seems to have ICU and everything that would be needed for a respiratory emergency. Now all I have to do is hope that Dr Salvino does my high risk type of surgery. Will find out I hope tomorrow. Wish Org. is also having a free seminar in Peoria, IL on saturday, June 29, 2002, from 9am - 10am. Going to be a long day for me because the eggs are the only things that are separated from everything else. If I am approved for this surgery here, I sure hope someone can drive me there and bring me back home. I know I won't feel like driving those two days.
Please wish me luck in that I am accepted and approved by my insurance, BCBS of IL PPO and that I find a way to finance the rest of the cost on $500 a month income. I surely don't want to die in this fix.
Peace unto you all...and consider nature....in all its glory..isn't it wondrously beautiful? Remember, you may never see that again, so enjoy it now. ENJOY LIFE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
EGADS!!!! It's JULY already!! Well on the 11th I go up to Downers Grove, IL, to see the Wish Center Organization. Apparently they do operate on extreme cases like me. Those with numerous co morbidities and with pulmonary hypertension too. In fact those who I talked to at the center acted like they had never heard of anyone NOT doing the operation on someone like me, but if an ICU is not available, it is best to not do it. I would hate to suffer a real bad complication and not have an ICU or experienced staff available to me. I also talked with someone that lives close to that area and knows the hospitals well up there. He said that Good Samaritan Hospital is an excellent excellent hospital. So that set my mind at east too. The only problem is that I will be alone of course, but I should be used to that having no family, but sisters of the heart close to me, and of course all you great sisters and brothers here at this site. Believe me I am nervous, scared and kind of reluctant in a way, yet I am more excited about having this done too. I hate pain, yet mine is getting worse and worse each day. I live on pain pills now. I take so much in water pills that I have to take B complex vitamins to keep my tongue from cracking and breaking out in bumps. Well, I forget the B complex for 2 days and lo and behold it is so sore I can hardly talk or eat again. Thank heavens for popsicles!!
OH!! ONE very IMPORTANT thing about the Wish Center they do not say on their web site... http://www.wishcenter.org and they do not mention it in the papers they send out to you in the mail. I only found out in passing talking to someone on the phone. BELIEVE ME, IT DEVASTATED ME!!!!! I thought O God!!! Now I know I have to sit back and die now...there is no way I can do that. I was told at the end of the conversation that even though I have BC/BS PPO of ILLINOIS, that I HAD TO HAVE $2000 paid BEFORE I could have surgery. Naturally the tears came because there is no way for someone like me on $500 a month to come up with that amount of money. But I have a friend, who is a guardian angel, she bought my computer for me last year so I could start college on line and I paid her back out of my grant. This friend is going to loan me the money without interest and let me pay her back as I can. She told me she wants me to live. I am so touched I am speechless. She is a great friend and lifesaver to me. I see there are miracles around. I have a chance to live after all. So, I will bundle up my nerves, my dog Chrysy, and my neighbor and we will trek up to the Wish Center in Downers Grove IL, on Thurs July 11 and go from there.
Please everyone, say a prayer for me. Thank you. I pray daily for all my sisters and brothers here and everywhere in the hopes that everything goes as it should for their surgery...that everything turns out to the good.
Boy it has been ages since I have been here. So much has happened and so much has NOT happened.
My ex-husband's company changed blue cross insurance company's so I had to go all thru that reapproval stuff. But it only too them 2 weeks to do it! I was so surprised. I have heard such horror stories, and of course, I just knew it would take forever.
I have been in the hospital ER so much that I figure they should have a room made just for me. They all know me by sight and name now. It is all like homecoming when I show up out there and they all ask me about my surgery. I just tell them that I hope it is soon, really soon. I just don't think I can wait much longer.
The breathing difficulty is getting really bad. I cannot stand to breathe the cold air and staying awake is horrible now. I have this *thing* about that CPAP machine. That does not count the way it bothers my sinuses which are already bothered as it is. Oh, and that TETHER!!! That stupid oxygen hose. I mean, I am grateful for it, but geeeeeeeeez, I do not know which is worse...trying to break my neck because of getting tangled up in the tether, or suffocating because of low O2 levels. Any ideas?
Was just told I have neuropathy in all 4 limbs. Great, at least I now know why I am up all night screaming in pain, not counting all day too. Now I know why it hurts like the dickens to walk and why I cannot hold on to anything or even grip anything. Shoot me now why don't you? Pain pills do not do anything for this. Just what I needed, another years long sentence of pain and then looking forward to braces if I want to walk, but what about my hands. What do I do about them? I do things with my hands? Are they going to become useless too? I am too young for this crap. Sometimes when my body is wracked with pain and all I can do is cry, I just wonder why.......but then I think of others and how they make it thru this and I know I can too.
I have had a few good things happen. I got my divorce on Jan 9, 2003. And I met a really nice guy online, we are just friends right now, but I pray maybe something will develop. Ya never know. I did pass my first semester of college. So life is not all bad. O and my son is home from Germany and out of the army. He is out on a medical discharge so that is not good. Now if he had just not killed my car and I had transportation LOL.
Life HAS to get better right? It will get warmer, I just know it will.
I promise to keep everyone updated as I find things out. The cardiologist did clear me for surgery. Now it is in the pulmonologist's hands.
O and my surgeon, Dr. Pulawski, is now in AZ so I won't be able to have him as my surgeon. Doggone it!! I was looking forward to that, but I will see how the others are before I get too disappointed.
YEE HAAWWWW!!!! I have a surgery date!!! It is March 18th!! I go to the Wish Center on March 4th to meet with Dr. Rosen since Dr. Pulawski has gone to AZ. I hear he is good too. Soooo here goes nothing. I am getting nervous as all get out and eating things I want. But, I find myself with no appetite at all and sleeping lots and lots. Is this a depression or nervousness setting in? I have no idea. But I have such great support and so many prayers, a person could not ask for more. And of course, the Lord above and his Son are with me always, I know that for sure now. Someone has brought me to the Light to see that and I thank him very much for that...someone very dear to my heart, I hope he knows it. We just have to meet face to face. LOL...amazing what the internet can do for you, eh? This is very short since I was going to bed about 7 hours ago and never made it, hahaha, but I needed to update this page quickly. See you later!! O yes, my son will take care of my dog for me while I am in the hospital and after I first come home. Thank heavens she does not have to go to a kennel!! I just hope she can stand being around tiny kids that long!!
MARCH 1, 2003: Well just a short update...everything fell through for me. I cannot have the surgery done. I do not have the money I need to get it done and I am just devastated. No one around that I have contacted is brave enough to touch a person such as me with PH. I am too high risk for them and they are afraid of complications. So I have to go someplace like the Wish Center org in Downers Gove where I HAVE to have $2,000 down on the surgery PLUS the money to pay my $1314.50 back bill since they are out of network. I have had so many signs and omens since last friday, the 21st, that today was the final straw, when the loan was starting to run into pitfalls and obstacles from my friend. I told her I cannot deal with the stress and I will not let anything come between our friendship. So I will be calling the wish center on Monday and telling them that it is a no go for me. Maybe my fate and karma is to stay like this...
March 5, 2003~~5:38am cst
Well, since I was not going to the Wish Center...after getting thru my devastation and tears of a dream of living, I decided it was time to regroup and start fighting back. Believe me, this is not easy. It seems as if everything is going against you and you have to stand up against all odds, but by durn I am doing it.
I did some digging here at the site and found another Dr that I had not spoken to yet in this crazy state. I cannot believe it, there is one I have not tried yet? LOL...well I called his office and mentioned my pulmonary hypertension. The secretary said excuse me, but...could you please tell me what that is? Oh my, I gave her a slight description as best I could. I wanted to bust a hole in the wall but I remembered I did not have the funds to pay for the repair. She set me up for a consultation with him on March 17, 03. I wonder if I will have the luck of the Irish when I go there. I surely hope and pray so. I will have my records from the wish center and my records from my doctor too. Anything medical I can get my hands on I am going to drag with me. I know this doc operates out of 2 huge hospitals with ICU units and pulmonologists on staff, so possibly I have a chance with him. He is also young appearing and I think the young ones are more daring and caring sometimes. He also is in network I believe. That would be a HUGE burden off my back. I know have the flu and something wrong with my tailbone again, as if I went down on the floor, and hit it really bad and it is broken again. It is pretty bad when you cannot sit, stand, or even lay to get comfy. LOL. That is why I am still up. TTFN and I will update later after I really meet this doctor and hear what he says. I really HATE changing doctors, but the wish center is so expensive if you are on disability.
MARCH 19,2003~~~Well, after spending another sleepless night up with a nice hours long asthma bout I am here posting after reading the message board. I spent all the wee hours of the morning at my favorite place yahoo games playing one of my favorite games with my friends playing literati. It is like scrabble. I am a head tourney director with my friend's league escaping and it is a blast and helps me pass the time when I cannot get around. My asthma was so bad I had to bow out of a tourney I was going to host last night because I could not breathe and I think my oxygen level got too low..maybe I should have called the paramedics then, but I did not.
Anyway, I did call my insurance company yesterday and found out my name had finally been changed to what it is now. That made me feel really good. I also found out that since I already was approved before that it will not take nearly as long and definitely not 30 days for me to be reapproved under my new doctor and hospital for my WLS. I am so ecstatic about this!! I am really impressed with Dr. Bailey and his manners and frankness with me. He told me things about the surgery I had not been told. Like I was REALLY gonna be in pain, but I figured I would anyway. I mean like they rearrange your insides, right? Who would not be in pain? I just had no idea he was going to cram my ribs up under my chin? But, I am not surprised, I think I had that done in the 70's when they took my gall bladder out. LOL. And that was a HUGE open surgery and man did that hurt afterwards!! And right now pain seems to be my best friend...so it is nothing new. I am looking forward to taking this trip of discovery to the other side. I will plan on it after Easter as I have a wedding that I promised to be in, and my dog has to be in it too!! So, we have to be able to handle that. Life is good and God has blessed me abundantly!! My prayers have been answered so much. May all your prayers be answered also!!
Now, I just need to find an angel here on earth!! ;-]
MARCH 28,2003 ~~ 3:55am cst~~
OK, here I am playing vampyre again...LOL. Seems I have forgotten when to sleep according to a neighbor. She states that she never gets to talk to me anymore. I guess I do not run according to her schedule. Oh well, that is what happens when you are sick and don't feel like being up during the day.
I called Dr. Bailey's office today on a whim to check on if they had filed for my approval with BC/BS of ALA today. The lady said that they sent it out the the 19th of March. I told her thank you very much and then called the BC/BS number. Lo and behold they had not received it yet. Why am I not surprised? I seem to remember that happening with the wish center also. About 2 or 3 times. So the nice gentleman that I spoke with gave me his name and fax number so that I could have Dr. Bailey's office fax my info to him and he said that he would personally take my stuff to the med review board. How is that for taking care of a person? I think that is great!! They really seem to be nice there. I know I am aiming for after EAster and on a Thursday, but shoot, the sooner I know I am reapproved, the better!
My prayers go out to all who have had or are going to have the surgery or their dreams. And know that angels are resting on everyone's shoulders just waiting there for whatever they are needed for. May the Lord bless you all!!
APRIL 15,2003 ~~~~
OK, I AM REAPPROVED!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEHAWWWWWWW!!! I mean, I figured I would be, but you never know with insurance. They could have found any reason they wanted to to deny me. That would have been my luck. The way my luck has been running lately. I have thrown my back out really bad can hardly walk or sit lol, not to mention the bills situation. but survival is my motto I guess. I have made it this far and I don't intend on giving up now. So I have to wait for the surgeon's call when they get their letter as to when my date is and what diet I do beforehand and after surgery. Meanwhile I still have to do Ryan's steakhouse before I quit food altogether. LOL. I already did my favorite Chinese buffet. Naturally I overdid it, but not to the point of getting sick. I am so proud I stopped myself before that. I used to eat until I was sick. I have learned to stop at the signal of fullness, but yesterday I went a little bit beyond that. Oh well, I was celebrating and doing a final visit there. I only pray that my dog is well taken care of by my son when I have my surgery and for a few weeks afterward. I hope I hear from my surgeon soon. Gonna start getting antsy now...EEEEKKK!!!!
APRIL 26, 2003
O MY GOSH!!!!! I HAVE A DATE!!! I am so ecstatic now!! And of course a bit nervous, but I think that is a given in everyone. I know this is a huge step and have been here twice before. I look forward to being on the losing side and to having a new beginning on life. I have only been thin once before and that was using drugs when they were legal. That time almost did me in and I have no plans on doing that again. Whoever says that amphetamines are the way to go must not have experienced them at their extreme. I would not recommend them to anyone. So now, I can actually say, my life will begin again to live life to its fullest with my love, my dog, and my grandkids.
I go to begin again on May 29!! My surgery starts at 7:30am which means I am to be at the hospital at 6am. Have to leave the apt at 4:30am. You should have heard my neighbor holler when I said that!! LOL. She is the one I am counting on taking me...always seems to be something wrong with my son's vehicles and last we talked he said...well, we will see if I have transport mom. GRRR...sometimes I wonder about him. Oh well, I am a big girl now and I can take being on my own and by myself I guess... Besides I know I have my friends here at OH, my neighbors, my friends in my Literati league-escaping, and my other friends and my love all praying for me and backing me up..I can do this. And my surgeon is good and so is his staff. I hear the hospital is good too.
I pray for all who are going to have their surgery soon, those that have had it and those who are appealing the idiotic turn downs because the insurance companies are way behind the times.
Oh, and although I don't have TV and therefore cannot watch Oprah anymore, I can go to her site, get a view of her show she did on those who lost without surgery and yes, I KNOW she is prejudiced against those of us who cannot lose any other way than surgery. I also plan on giving her a piece of my mind.
God Speed to you all!!
I hope to have a local angel along with my online angels. This is gonna be a bit scary to me...hehe.
I have an online angel, she is Melissa Scroggins, her surgery is June 3rd..lets all fill her page too, encourage her, she is in my Literati league-escaping. I promised I would be her online angel too!! She needs someone local for her surgery too. Any encouragement you can pass her way would be very appreciated.
JUNE 14, 2003~~~
I am how far out from my surgery??? Let me think now!! LOL~~2 days passed 2 weeks!! OMG!! I cannot believe I have actually survived this this long. I feel as if I have been to hell and back already. I know it will get better. The only way is up from here. The surgery went well, my doctor found a small umbilical hernia and repaired it. Thought something was fishy with my belly button LOL. No biggie. But the gas!! haha, quite offensive for a Southern gal. It is getting better though. I did have a problem last Tuesday night and Wednesday during the day with a plumbing strike. I wonder what that was all about?!?!! Such intense immense pain I thought I was gonna die!! I swore I had another stuck kidney stone. It hurt so bad I could not scream, walk, cry or anything. Wound up in ER at the local hospital by ambulance even. They left me shivering on the gurney with a catheter covered only by a sheet and IN PAIN!!!! I had taken my liquid hydrocodone and it had done nothing. Do you think they offered any relief?? Why OF COURSE NOT!!! Just leave me whimpering and crying with a pain level of 10!!! Until they get their tests results. Meanwhile, this patient who never cries out loud, never screams, hardly shows how she feels, is laying there crying, begging for help and they ignore me. Oh well, I will remember. They insist I need to see my surgeon who is over an hour and half away...well DUH!! on that. At least after I am FINALLY able to get some med from the prescription the ER dr writes after consult with an urologist, I ride up to my surgeon in total pain and spasm and on my pain med too and get some relief after I see the surgeon who offered to readmit me, which I refused. I knew it would pass sometime soon. And it did, after I left his office. Believe me for a time I was scared there.
So the nurse tells me I have lost about 23 pounds since I have first seen them about the surgery. I say wow cool!! Even in pain who cares, I lost, even though I was bloating up like a pig, and had my heavy sandals on, it's still a loss. LOL. I weigh in on their scales at 341.4...Dr. Bailey comes in and says wow almost 30 pounds that is good!! Made me feel good while the icky staples are coming out. Lordy each one hurt like all get out, the skin had started growing over each one!! I had not been able to get a ride up there...not having a car really bites!! Now, I have to talk my son into taking me back up the 9th of July, because I am sure my ride won't be in town for that one...
Went for my first shopping outing yesterday at Walmart and got on one of their jerky electric carts. Thought I was gonna jerk my pouch right out of me. Needless to say, my back is a holy mess today. Hurts like anything and I refuse to take my pain med. I have to put up with it. Pain med and I do not agree too much, it is so sweet, ewwwwwwww. I am so nauseated anyway. Don't need anymore help with that. It also hurt my stomach to be jerked around like that. Think that cart needs a tune-up badly. It was so nice to get out of the apartment for a change, but I found out how weak I was.
Today, woke up and felt just absolutely awful. Where is that Peterbilt semi? I know it came back and just had a heyday with me again!! I am not in so much pain as I am weak as a kitten. I woke and could barely move, think, or even talk. I know I am not getting all my fluids in, I cannot. I am constantly trying to drink water, but gee where is the room? I am constantly drinking something. Soup, trying the fortified milk as I have no money right now for protein powders to wasted on icky bad tasting stuff and nutritionist said this was fine for now, so what do I do? I am doing the best I can. I stay nauseated. Any advice would be great. I just feel shaky all over and tired, but I know this will pass sometime, someday as I work on it. Almost even too tired to breathe today. Imagine me back to that stage...I hope it is just temporary...
I also forgot to say that according to my CardioCom scales today, I weighed in at 331.1...I cannot wait to see what Dr. Bailey's scales say in July!! LOL...
Well, it has been like forever since I have updated here and lots has happened. My surgery is taking what seems like forever for me to get over. I was told it would because I have so much wrong with me. I have had many back muscle spasms. Well, thank heavens for pain med that is helping that unwind. I have named my pouch *Miss Priss Grouchy Pouchy* because I can never tell when she is going to be in the mood for what I feed her, or just in the mood to be nauseated or whatever. I know her full signal now, it is the noisy rumblings of what sounds like WW3 going on in there. Must be her way of yelling at me Enough is Enough!! LOL...ok I can deal with that...but can people out in the public deal with that? I mean it sounds like I am going to explode to me!! O well, such is life. It is not like I do it on purpose, but I DO know Miss Priss GP does it on purpose and it sure beats throwing up for sure...I tried vienna sausage, no can do...so my fav is off the list...I can eat a couple of chunks of watermelon and not have to make a mad dash usually, but if I am in need of help, I eat like 4 chunks. I just love watermelon. I have found me 2 treats that satisfy my cravings for sweet and there is not that much sugar in them, but probably fat...chocolate reddi whip and lite cool whip. I just eat them as if they were dessert. Just 2 little tastes of them and I am in heaven!!! I have baked a chicken and then warm up the cold chicken chopped up with chicken gravy from a jar. DELICIOUS!!! I don't do potatoes anymore since my awful try with instant in the pureed stage...yuck and a half!!! I do some green beans, but have to learn to cut down on my mrs. dash now, I made them too spicy!! Imagine that!! I also cooked them in chicken broth instead of margarine, they were delicious that way also. An old trick my mom taught me years ago.
I had an awful set back last week and wound up back in the hospital Tuesday evening. Seems I woke up in horrible pain in the middle of the night Sunday night. Come Monday, I was having chills, more pain, and running fever of at least 103 if not more. Then Tuesday I noticed my belly below my belly button had turned red and hot. Well, needless to say since I could not do food nor water, I figured it was time to take the headache, nausea and pain to the ER. Boy I thought they would just give me a pain and nausea shot. Was I ever wrong!!! They hooked me up to an IV and an IV antibiotic, pumped me with demerol and phenergan once and said you are staying!!! Then a little later, they gave me more demerol and phenergan because the first IV shots did not work. And here my dog was all alone and had no idea and neither did my neighbors. But they sure took care of my Chrysy for me while I was incarcerated in the hospital all week. I was stuck in bed until Friday afternoon. Found out I had a bad case of Cellulitis on my belly and it had mad me so very very sick. So Miss Priss GP got set back to clear liquids and boy were they even hard to do. The local hospital here does not even know how to feed a gastric bypass patient worth a darn either. They expected me to eat dry meat...sheeeeeeesh...needless to say I did get some cottage cheese down right before I left. BUT, I gained 6.5 pounds from the IV fluids. If you are ever put on phenergan IV shot or push realize that it burns your veins out, I had 3 different IV sites for the week and veins are still hard to find on me...yuck!!!
Well, Miss Priss GP is letting me eat a little bit now without too much trouble, but I am totally spent and exhausted, guess it will take a bit for me to get my strength back. Cannot walk as far as I could before. And I was just getting ready to increase my walking distance before this happened. O well, best laid plans....
Ok, time to lay down now....will try to update again soon....just do not last long....
August 4, 2003
I talked to a great friend of mine Saturday night. She lives in Alaska and had the RNY done 2 years ago. She has lost over 160 pounds and just encourages me to no end. She was so excited for me when she found out I had the surgery and listens to every gripe and every bit of astonishment I have about what has been happening. Well, we both just realized Saturday that since the very beginning of my journey seeking my surgery I have lost OVER 70 pounds!!! I nearly lost my dentures over that fact!!! If I count the time when I went up to 412 during an episode of chf, then I am as of today just 6 pounds shy of 100 pounds!!! I have lost 94 pounds!!! I am just totally amazed and so thankful for this surgery. Even if I have had trouble with it, Miss Priss Grouchy Pouchy(I mean very few have not had trouble with pouchies), or even the cellulitis. I still have nausea and pain from the cellulitis. Guess I am calling my PCP tomorrow and asking questions since I am done with the antibiotic.
I have to remember that my surgeon only counts weight loss from when I first saw him in March. So he counts my weight from 364.4. Oh well, it is ok with me. I knew me when LOL. I knew me when I could hardly make it to the bathroom. I still do my chair dancing/bed dancing-swaying to music in my apartment. LOL...and I am walking a bit farther in the evenings. When I can walk anyway. Tonight I used myself up cleaning the apartment like a banshee gone berzerk!!! It has been years and years since I have been able to do that and I absolutely loved doing it.
Life is changing for me and it is becoming more amazing and I cannot wait to get a car and be able to travel. I want to be able to go see my family I have not seen since 94 or 95. And that was for a sad occasion. I have to rejoice this time. They will not recognize me!! I also have people I want to go see. I cannot imagine being able to comfortably travel.
Ain't life grand??? God has blessed me abundantly!!! I pray he blesses everyone here in the same way too!!!
Just remember to keep laughing, it does help!!
Oh, by the way, I was back down to 318.3 according to my cardiocom scales this morning!!! Yeaaaaaa protein!!! Yeaaaaaa to life!!! THANK YOU Doc Bailey for giving it back to me!!!!!!!
August 8, 2003~~~
O MY GOSH!!!! I DID IT!!! From my highest ever weight of this winter 2003, I have broken the 100 pound loss mark!! I have lost from 412 pounds down to 308 pounds!! I cannot believe that!! I have not been this light in gee I forgot how long! LOL...I know this loss is NOT since my surgery, but to me it is STILL 104 pounds gone. And if I have my way, it will be forever!! I have learned a new way to eat, to live and to just be! And I love it...
My caregiver was so proud of me today, that while we were in Walmart, she came up to me and patted me on the back. Well, little did I know, she stuck a sign on my back that said *Congratulate me! I have lost 104 pounds!* I did not know this until I was checking out! Someone came up to me and said *CONGRATULATIONS!* I told her thank you. Of course I was smiling and laughing. Another employee had told me congrats earlier on my way to find treats for my Chrysy. And another employee came and helped me immensely at the vitamins and we talked about how I lost my 104 pounds. Well, at the checkout, the employee who congratulated me on my 104 pound loss told me about the sign on my back. I asked who put it there and my caregiver said she did because she was so proud of me. I just turned beet red and started laughing so hard I nearly fell over. I am always laughing at something. I guess that is why people are always talking to me in the stores. I never go in with a scowl.
I even moved my computer by myself last night back into the living room and put it back on my huge desk. Thank heavens for my big desk chair. It made a wonderful hand truck for my giant monitor and tower. LOL...I could not see me carting a 19" CRT monitor without help. I am so sore today, but boy did it feel good to do it by myself. And I could actually lean over and hook what I needed to under the desk without asking someone to crawl on the floor and do it for me. There was not a giant belly in the way!!
I think today I am going to rest, relax, and just enjoy myself. I have earned it. I am just so amazed at how things are going now. O gee, life is so grand. Now I need to get me some loving around here and then have some more fun!! LOL!! Well, you know, besides my dog!! She is not quite my type...hahaha...
Life is just too cool!!!
Ok, I have no idea what has happened the last 2 days, but I can hardly move. It hurts to even think about moving this body!! I know my bed leaves a lot to be desired, but this is a flare up of something I have been dealing with for years and I am so sick of it. I feel as if I have been put thru the wringer of a wringer washing machine. As if I would fit! LOL..but every muscle and every bone it seems in my body is screaming out in pain. I thought just movement hurt, but just being hurts. Yesterday, when I got up out of bed, my legs did not want to work. I had to talk them into what they were supposed to do. They felt as if they weighed 500 pounds each. Now, that is bad. It was the same today. I hope this passes soon. It is very discouraging. I have told my family doc about this numerous times and she just says it is my arthritis. Since when does arthritis involve muscles? Maybe I research things wrong?
I know, I am in the process of falling apart right now and there is no stopping it. LOL...well that WOULD explain things. Now, if only acetaminophen would help the pain and headaches that go along with this. And the IBS that is showing its ugly head again too....yuck what a wonderful week...but hey, at least I am over 100 pounds down!! Cannot complain about that, can I?
I am grateful to God for blessing me with all he has. This is just another part of my life's journey for me to face. Just up to me to figure it out and live thru it. Tears and all.
And yes, I still am laughing and singing too!! If I ever quit that, all is lost!!
I DID IT!! I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!! I AM UNDER 300 POUNDS!!! OMG I WEIGHED IN AT 298.8 TODAY!!!
I knew it might happen someday, but so soon!! O how can I ever thank Doc Bailey for the new lease on life he has given me. And I thank God every day too!!
So what if I still have health issues, so do a lot of other people. That is nothing compared to the weight loss to me! I have not been out of the 300's in over 20 years and boy does it feel good to be out of them. It is such good food for the heart and soul to know that I made the right decision and that someday, someday, I will actually feel much better for more than a few days or a week in a row. LOL...well that is how it seems to be going now, but I don't care. I think my plateau has been long broken now. Yeaaaaaaaaaa!
Life is soooo good!!
August 19, 2003
Well, now that I can get back to updating, I guess I will try this. LOL. Thanks to all the great people in the background for all they do to keep up the site. I sometimes wonder if we even thank them enough. Nah, I don't think so!!
It seems, I really messed myself up night before last. I kept seeing so many say how great tuna was. Well, I USED to eat tuna all the time. Sooo, I figured why not try it now. Things were settling down pretty well. Little did I know Miss Priss Grouchy Pouchy had her OWN ideas! LOL. She absolutely DESPISES tuna! I was so sick that night after just a couple of bites of it. I made a tuna salad just like I do my chicken salad. You would think I had given myself tons of sugar and everything else illegal. I tried to throw up all night long. First every few minutes. Then every 15 minutes, then every half hour, then every hour. Oh heavens I was up all night, choking and crying. All it would do was come up to a huge painful spasm and ball in my throat. Then go back down. For some reason I don't throw up. Oh how I prayed to throw up. But no!! Miss Priss GP had other ideas. She wanted me to pay for sending that awful fish down her way I guess. LOL. Well, somehow, someway, I got some kind of pain medicine in me and was able to get a couple of hours sleep. Don't ask me how. I think I may have been almost delerious by then. But yesterday, I was so sore I was only able to get a couple of ounces of chicken noodle soup down twice and lots of shaved ice and water in. That is it. Could not even do my protein shakes. The thought of anything made Miss Priss just spasm more. Today I got a protein shake in and some cottage cheese and apple sauce and more water and ice. I am taking going back to food very slowly because of the residual pain. My back hurts, my pouch hurts, hell everything hurts. Miss Priss and I have been yelling back and forth to each other for 2 days now. I think my dog thinks I am cracking up! hahaha! But by durn if she yells at me, she is gonna get an answer back!!
Would you believe I have like 15 cans of tuna in my cabinet that were given to me? I am NOT gonna touch that stuff with a 10 foot pole!! Think I will give it back to the organization that gave it to me! LOL!! Maybe they will use it. They were so sweet to give it to me. Always thinking of me and my needs. I love em to death!! They saved me and I am forever grateful!
NOTE TO SELF: Take tuna OFF grocery list PERMANENTLY!! LOL!!
I thank God for giving me my sense of humor. Without it I would have died years ago from a broken heart and empty soul. I also thank God for giving me my life, my heart and my soul. People who actually know me, know from where I speak. If you get to know me, you will find out. If you want to know me just email me and maybe we can even IM on yahoo or something. I also have msn IM. Just ask.
SEPTEMBER 12, 2003
Wow!! It has been like forever it seems since I have updated this thingie. Well, lots has happened too.
On August 22, 2003, I wound up going back to St. Mary's Hospital ER because I was hurting so much and could not even do water. I was so nauseated I could not see straight. Most people, especially doctors do not get it. You see, I laugh thru the pain. I push myself thru the pain. If I do not, then all is lost to me and my thinking. And believe me I have cried plenty of times with the pain. But, I always get back to laughing quickly. If I don't, I will lose my mind. I think doctors just kind of think I am faking it, but I am not, NOR am I a drug seeker!! But, I had to do a wonderful barium swallow test. Chest xray and abdominal series xrays. How ignorant can radiologists be? Here the radiologist is standing there watching the swallow right? He is watching all the loverly tasting crap going all the way down and telling the tech that I have to drink what, umm 8-10 oz. of that white chalk?? HELLO!!?!?! What don't you see on the screen there Doc? One GIANT stomach? Anyway, the tech was just telling me I HAD to drink all that stuff and I am telling her I am getting sick and I can only sip, NOT CHUG IT!! I finally get to the point of just about passing out and I have not hardly done even half of it, and she FINALLY asks me(after repeated statements that I have had a GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY & CANNOT drink all that), O! Are you one of THOSE people with the teeny tiny stomachs now? SHEEEEESH!! Lord!! Give me strength!! I told her YES!! She finally said I best stop and she would tell the radiologist. LOL!! Told her good coz she was close to picking me up off the floor. Well, my stoma was working fine, so was the pouch. It was just Miss Priss Grouchy Pouchy showing her tail!! And to boot the ER doc never did notify my surgeon and he was mad...well, so was I, because the ER doc said he was going to call him. Go figure! PLUS, I had to ask for something for the pain and nausea. What a day!
Now the above paragraph ONLY tells what happened at the hospital...does not say how my angel Candace and I watched a wreck right in front of us on the way there!! IT was so surreal!! Like watching a movie in slow motion. God sent his angels with us and the people in the two vehicle involved in the wreck that day. No one was hurt, the car did not roll, and the semi had little damage, cannot say that for the car though. O the signs you get about how precious life is. They slap you in the face every day...never forget that you only get one life on this earth!! LIVE IT!!
Ok where am I now? I have no idea!! LOL...so much is happening and so much bad stuff is going on..am depressed now because of what is going on I want to scream, but instead have music blaring. Singing to it. This too shall pass, as will my brother. I hate to think of this, but what can I say? Another thing to go thru, yet he has it worse. He has been diagnosed with cancer. He is in Fla. with my sister. I am in ILL. I will have to go back down there soon. Like I did when our mom was dying. Seems his is in his abdomen and chest. Mayo cannot find where it came from, thus no treatment, not even chemo. He is 56. I am so sick about it. Why is it that the only times I get to go down and see family is during crisis times? I know God does not give you more than you can handle, but sometimes I do wonder...just my nature. I have lost so many along the way....and I am the baby in the family. I don't do death very well....
Went to the rheumatologist on Sept. 10,2003. She was ok. But, o well, I won't go back to her. But, she did confirm my self diagnosis. I figured this out at least 10 years ago. Could not get my pcp to check me for it. Maybe I should have just asked her to check me for it? The rheumatologist is quite sure I have fibromyalgia. She gives nothing for pain. She believes the way to relieve it is with exercise and something like low-dose elavil. But since I have a neurologist, she wants me to see him and get treated for the neuropathy. Told her I would when I get a vehicle. She wanted to know why I had not seen him for it. Hey it is over 2 hours away to see him one way. I have NO WAY to get there!! My son killed my car. He feels no responsibility for it either. O well, go figure. She said I need to get another sleep study done to see if I still need a cpap. I told her I felt great until the flare up. I was sleeping great, no headaches or anything right after I started losing so much, then BOOM! it hit me. Everything bothers me now. But I have generic benadryl to help me sleep now. It also helps with that awful post-nasal drip I inherited. LOL. But o the pain I am having. I have always pushed and walked thru it. It is so hard. But, Chrysy and I keep on walking thru. And I stretch too. She told me to stretch before I get out of bed when I wake up. That does help with my morning mobility. She also wants me to see my pcp to see about getting back on my anti-depressant and trazadone since it helped before. So much on my plate right now. I know I need it. So, what do I do for the overflowing pain? Sometimes it hurts too much to breathe because my back is so bad...O by the by, I had EVERY tender point! I knew that too. When I got home, I almost could not get out of the car, much less walk, but the dog and I took a walk later, and that night, I could barely move! HOW DO YOU COPE WITH NOTHING FOR PAIN??? Lord knows I am not a drug seeker, but sometimes....I do need help!!
I am finally moving slowly off the plateau from Hades! YEAAAAAA!! I am down to 285 now AND I have grown 1/2 inch!! LOL! Imagine me...out of the 300's! I never ever thought this day would come...seems to me I recall saying that earlier. LOL...but it still astonishes me. And I do fruit and veggies too. I try to stay away from bread, but once in a while do crackers. Miss Priss loves shrimp cocktail. But I think the sauce is getting to her. I have also found that mustard is out now. And I LOVE mustard, but she does not. Soooooooo, I have to find something else to use. I am down to a 3x in pants and o my bra size is so sad compared to what it was...at least to me...down from a 56DD to a 50C. And the cups are roomy there too!! I am turning into a wrinkly old grammie!! But ya know what? My head and heart are not!! I am 18 again!! Or is that still? I will let ya know when I figure it out.
I will buy a camera next week so I can take pics to send in to compare my before and after. Although so much is hanging, you may not be able to tell the difference. LOL...Watch for the different face shot though, it really shows a difference, I think...my friends tell me I look younger. I think they wanted something from me. hehe...but, I DO have a neck in the new one!!
I MUST thank my angel Candace for all she has done for me. AND she is a FANTASTIC friend to boot! She came all the way down from just outside of Decatur to take me to the hospital for my tests and meds that day I had no way to get there. And she came down the 4th and we had a blast shopping! She found me a great bargain on some long skirts marked down from $34 to $4.77 each at J.C. Penney's! Can you believe that? I bet my slip will fall off me now though. LOL...sheeeeesh more shopping...CANDEE THANKS SO VERY MUCH FOR BEING MY ANGEL AND MY FRIEND!!! YOU ARE THE GREATEST!! NEXT STOP DECATUR MALL WHEN I GET MY VEHICLE FOR SURE!! ;-]
Ok, I have made this update super long. Will add more very soon, I hope. And, I promise to not stay away so long this time.
SEPTEMBER 17, 2003 (cdt)
Well, I just got horrid news from my sister concerning my brother and I am just beside myself. Guess, I am going to have my fibro flare even worse because I am so upset and stressed out. It seems he has 3-4 weeks left to live. Apparently his cancer is just about everywhere in his abdomen and chest. It is unidentifiable(I knew that), and untreatable(knew that too). BUT, I had no idea his time was so short so soon!!
Last time I was down in Florida was for our mom's death. Now, I am going down there again for this. I love my brother and cannot stand this. He is 56. The cancer never showed on any test be it blood, or xray or CT scan. Nothing until they opened him up to repair his hernia. At least they have him on morphine for pain control and ativan so he will quit climbing out of bed and falling. He is also with a hospice organization now. I imagine he will probably stay in a hospital since he has open wounds and we cannot care for him.
Now I have to quickly see about clearance to fly from doctors, get meds somehow, hopefully someone will feel sorry for me and let me have pain med of some kind(headaches are out of control), and get packed and find someplace to keep my angel of a dog Chrysy. She will slowy waste away in a kennel, but my son will want to keep her outside and she is not used to that anymore. I cannot do that to her. I have no doghouse. I won't do that to her, she is old. I will speak to my friends/counsel at the shelter that helped me.
I cannot seem to stop the tears. And yes, I am sick to my stomach and have hardly eaten since Saturday when I knew it was bad.
So God does not give us more than we can handle? Who am I to question? I sometimes wonder though...just sometimes.
Tonight, I have NO humor inside me. I have nothing except copious amounts of tears.
I have no idea when I will post again.