~My Virtual Model~
  My name is Theresa,35yrs old, 5'2 and 234pounds. Married 11 years, with 4 beautiful children.
Ive always been over weight, did all the diets, lost and gained. I started looking into WLS 2 years ago, but became pregnaunt with twins. Needless to say Everything was put on hold for a bit. The girls are 15 months now and I know its time. No longer can I play like I use to with the other children. I have avoided walking them in the stroller. I no longer go bike riding or even swimming with the kids. I never feel like it. Im tired all the time. I ache everywhere it seems. Feet, legs, knees even my hands. In the past I rarely complained or put it off on my age, but who was I kidding. Its my weight. I want to be around to see my children grow up.
Thought my pcp wouldnt like the idea, took a bunch of print-outs in with me. To my surprise she was for it. We talked about the pros and cons, she could see I had done my research and even told me she has 5 or 6 post-op patients she helps. This all made me KNOW even more that it was right for me.
Hub is all for it, he loves me either way, but knows how important it is for me to be healthy and stay healthy.
  December 10, 2002
Think I'm changing surgeons. I have found on that is a bit further away, but has a fabulous rep and the wait time is less then half the time of the other I was going to see. I go to my first support group and pre-op session tomorrow. Didn't mind going alone but hub wants to take me. :)
  December 11, 2002
My PCPs office called and said that Dr Cloughs office wanted me to get a sleep apnea test set up. They got me in so fast!! Its on the 13th. Just 2 days from now. Not sure how hub is going to take the news! At least that is the only one that really makes it hard on the family, well cept for the wls itself. See you soon!
  December 12, 2002
Had to cancel my sleep apnea thingy. I haven't met the $250 deductible this year. Hub and I didnt think it made sense to pay it this late in the year when I'll just have to turn around next month and pay another one. New date isnt until March 6th. Hopefully it won't mess up the timing of anything else. I meet with the dietician and physical therapist the end of Jan. Not sure about the psyc yet. Looks like May will be the wls :)
  January 4th 2003
All my appoinments are set except to see the surgeon. There was a cancellation so my new date for the sleep apnea test is Jan. 24th. My psych evaluation is Jan 16 and I meet with the dietician and pt on Jan 23rd. Seems like everything is moving along well but I still wish it were quicker. This month I also have to have a colonscopy to see if I have irratble bowel syndrome and I'm also having an ultrasound to see if I have gallstones. If I do I hope it can wait to come out till my wls.
For the last few months my hair has been falling out at an alarming rate. There is a chance it is from the c-section 16 months ago, but my pcp it could also be from not getting enough of the right vitamins. I have stopped the one-a-days and am once again taking flintstones. They taste better anyway...***grins I have met so many wonderful people at AMOS. There is almost always an email from someone from AMOS. It is so great to have others to talk to about wls. I have even started emailing 3 people who are also from Maine having the surgery, 2 of which are going to the same doctor as I am. It is so wonderful!!!
 January 6 2003
I received an email from the corridnator at my surgeons office. She said it looks like I will be having my wls in April, if all goes well. She is leaving 30 days for insurance approval. I cant believe it will take them 30 days. I give them one week then I call them daily. Maybe if I am a pest things will move faster. hehehe I am makeing so many friends here at AMOS. What a great support system we have. Lately on the message board there has been "squabbling". I dont mind it all that much because it makes us seem all the more like a real family. It is funny really.
 January 10th 2002
Had the gallbladder ultra sound on the 7th. Looks like I passed a stone. Not sure how one "passes" a stone. Pcp said looks like more might be forming, need to keep a check on that. Today I had a colonoscopy. What fun! NOT! The drugs pretty much took the memory away but the doctor said I didnt tolerate the procedure well so he didnt do as much as he had intended, but what he did see was good. Hopefully the biopsies will come back fine. The thing that bothers me is that what I went to him to see about in the first place he says there is nothing there. Well i KNOW there is. I have been dealing with it for close to 2 years. I was told when I was preggers with the twins I had a fissure, never really believed them then and I dont think I do now. It is like a small lump, why I am the only one that can feel it is beyond me. It is all itchy and gets very irratated easily. The doc said we would talk about it more at my NEXT appointment. I dont want to keep going though. Maybe I should just live with it and hope that losing weight, which will help with hygiene will make it better.
I have been leaving well wishes on all the surgery pages. Start at one date and keep going. It is pretty fun. Have met a few great people doing that. My newest buddy is Debbie Collier. I was going to add the url for her webpage but all of a sudden I cant seem to find it. I'll have to email her and ask what is up with that. She has so much info on her page. Anything one needs to know, she most likely has the answer or knows where to look. Well it is late, Im getting up early to go to my sons basketball game. Haven't been to one yet, since the twins have been born I havent felt like Im being the best mom to my older 2. It is hard to drag the babies out in the cold after having just woke them. I know I shouldn't complain. Many mothers have to take their kids out daily so they can work. Can't wait till it gets warmer again.
 January 19th
Went for my psyce evaluation on Thursday the 16th. Wasn't half as bad as I thought it might be. The questions were silly. Talking with the doctor was nice. He didn't try to get "into" my mind. Just talked about what my past history was and my families weight. He said right up front I wasn't depressed. I pointed out the Affexor I am on had a big part in that. I don't know about others but when I am depressed I can hide it from most anyone. My immediate family can usually tell when something is up but that is about it. I went to the evaluation intending to be completely open with the doc. He even mentioned on the report he felt I was. Also said I was a very pleasent easy going person. Of course I am. hehehe
Another person that has Dr Clough emailed me. I think it is so great!!! Without this site I might never have been in touch with other patients of Dr Cloughs. I live almost 2 hours away and people travel from all over the state to see Dr Clough. I will admit I get a bit envious when other's get ahead of me, but in the end I am just so happy for them. My time WILL come, I have no doubts about that.
Had a house full of kids this weekend. My oldest children have birthdays in Dec. and Jan. We combined their parties together. There were 8 extra kids here, plus my 4!! I figure more the merrier on occasions like that. My twins turn 2 on Sept 3rd. I wonder how much weight I will have lost by then. Am I the only one that wonders things like that? lol
 February 6th
It has been a while since I updated. I am big into procrastination, but also find it hard to write about me. My life changes very little, not that I am complaining about that, I like routine. Keeps me sane. :) On January 23rd I had my nutritionist and PT appointments. The PT seemed like a waste of time, but I think they might be more of a help after surgery. The nutritionist, Dana, is such a sweety. She really knows her stuff. I learned a lot and she was so great with DH. He is hard of hearing, she went out of her way to make sure he knew what was going on. As she says,we are a team, he is my support and has to know all I know. He is going to be great in helping me with my journey.I also found out that I do not get to meet with Dr Clough until April 9th. A month later then I thought it would be but Dr Clough is getting really busy. My time will come, I know this, but as always I want it NOW!! ***grins On another note, one of the girls I have met here on this site that has the same surgeon as I do got her date. I am so happy for her, I hope to go meet her soon. There are a few of us that have the same Doc so maybe we can all meet up at a support group. DH says he isn't looking forward to that because he knows how I like to talk. ***grins Poor guy, but he will go with me, he wants to be a part of this. That makes me so happy. He is so supportive.
 March 5th 2003
It has been a while since I have updated. I am a big procrastinator. I should force myself to update more often, it isn't like I am not here at the site often. Only 2, 3 or 4 times a day. hehehe I am even going to start moderating in the chat rooms. Should be fun, I just hope I do a good job. This site has given so much to me I would like to try to give something back.
Spring can not come soon enough for me. This snow is really bringing me down. I am light sensitive so winter is hard on me. I have been substituting a bit more. That is always fun. The twins just turned 18 months on the 3rd. Hard to believe they are that old. Right now they are into stripping naked, even their diapers. We have had a couple big clean ups lately. Sarah can even get the duct tape off the diapers. They are a bit to smart maybe. :) Jake is doing wonderful in school. We worked on a couple projects together. I am glad he is being more assertive. He told me what he wanted and would not let me talk him into doing things my way unless they really made sense. Amy is Amy. Love her so much. She is an extremely strong individual. She takes nothing from NO ONE. It will be interesting to see how things are when she is a teen. LORD HELP ME. ***grins
I finally went out and bought some protien. One was a whey that has no taste. Got it at discount because the date is coming up soon. I am hoping that after the first few months I will get enough protien in with the food and not have to supplement. Time will tell. I need to call around to the gyms soon. There is a Curves in Gardiner. I would like to try them for the first 3 months till I loose enough to feel comfortable at a unisex gym. I do hope Jake and I can take karate together this fall. I know i should be able to physically. I mean, logically I know I will have lost a lot of weight by then, but there is a part of me that holds back. Guess it is hard to believe I will really lose weight yet. Time will prove it to me I guess.
People have told me I have such a positive attitude about surgery. I refuse to worry about the actual surgery. I figure it is in the surgeon and Gods hands. Luck might have a something to do with it too. ***grins I have chosen a surgeon I trust, I am fairly healthy,I have gone through 3 surgerieswith no complications and I feel I have educated myself as well as possible. The only thing that does worry me is what to eat after surgery and the head hunger. Also I supose I am worried that I will miss food really bad, but I know eventually I will be able to eat just about anything, but in moderation. I pray to the lord nightly to help me lose the weight and keep it off. To give me the strength and wisdom to make the correct choices. This is my last shot at being "normal" "healthy" and "motivated". There is so much I want to do with my life that the weight has stopped me from doing. Some of it wasn't because my body would not do it, it was because I was self consious of how I looked. After reading so many profiles and getting to know people that are larger then me I feel awkard saying how I feel about my body. Many suffer more then me, what right do I have to complain? If I didn't have this surgery now I would just end up having it 10 years from now when instead of being 228 pounds I might be 328 pounds. Why wait? The time is now.
On another note.......When I first decided to have wls I had made an appointment with Dr Aslam in Augusta. The wait to see him was like 10 months. After more reserch I found Dr Clough and decided to go with him. I cancelled my other appointment. Well....Today Dr Aslams office called up and said I could get in for April 28th. I guess the had not gotten my cancellation request. For a split second I considered maybe changing doctors since Augusta is so much closer then Bangor.But I have had all my testing done already, I like the people in Bangor and my surgery should be close to the end of April. EMMC has a great reputation. Nick said he was glad I was staying with Dr Clough and Bangor so I feel better about my choice.
Well, it is getting late. Almost midnight and time to wake up Nick for work. I am fighting insomnia right now, I hope I can get a couple hours sleep tonight. 6am comes to early.
 March 18,2003
Time is flying. April 9th is coming up fast. I have been keeping very busy. Between the kids, their clubs, my mom, my hub and now doing welcome calls for this site I find little time to read the message board. I rarely ever post now, but I am not complaining. I am having fun. Wasn't positive I would like calling people I don't know, but I have met some really great people and being able to help them is super! I have gotten to know Nikki Hepfer. What a sweet person she is.
My friend Lesa Brown had surgery one month ago, I hear she has had a couple complications and has been in the hospital. I must find time to call her. She is so nice and always has kind words for everyone.
WLS Deb hasn't been around at all. Her PC died. She has always been one to send me sweet notes now and then to help me keep my spirits up. She is the BEST! Her date is May 28th, I wonder I will have my surgery before her. Hope it isn't at the same time. I want to be able to keep in touch and help her through it if possible.
Spring in Maine is taking wayyyyyyyy to long to get here. This time last year we didn't have any snow left. Right now, on my lawn I would say we have 2 feet. Last 2 days were warm about 50 degrees. Next couple are going back to the 30's. I know I should not complain. This is Maine, the best state around,I can take the good with the bad. It is what makes Maine so special and unique. ***grins
I have officially put up the "NO SODA" ban in our house. DH can drink it at work, but not at home. I find I have missed it more this time then when I gave it up before. Maybe because this time I mean it. I don't ever plan on it being my primary source of fluids. IF I have it again it won't be for a long time and it will be a treat, but by then I most likely will not like the taste, "I hope"
Time to sign off. Alarm rings to early.
 April 4, 2003
Just a quick update. DH and I went to a support meeting today. I found out my surgery will not be when I expected it. I thought it would be done no later then the beginning of May but with Dr Clough going on vacation and having a conference it will not happen till the end of May. I understand and am not upset by him or anything like that, but it is a disappointment. I really want to get it done before the kids are out of school and to give me enough time to recouperate before our camping vacation the beginning of July. I know, I know, it WILL happen, I should not complain.
April 20, 2003
Today is Easter. It was a beautiful day out. Spring really is here. Last week we had a record warm day, it hit 80 degrees, then 2 days later it hit a record low. Not sure what Mother Nature is up to, but I hope she settles on summer soon.
As always I am bad about updating my profile. I ask everyone to update theirs then never seem to have time to do mine. On April 9th I had my consult with Dr Clough. I trully liked him. He was very direct and even though he was sure I new the facts from the comments I had said, he gave me the pros and cons again, benefits and risks.He did make one remark that I am still wondering about. When I asked him how long he thought it would take me to get to my goal weight he replied "I think you will get to your ideal weight in 10 months" Now, he said "ideal" that would be 120 pounds. My goal weight, the one Dayna, my nutrionist gave me is 140 pounds. I bet he meant goal weight, but I would LOVE to get to my ideal weight. OK, lets compromise and let me get to 130 pounds. Deal? ***grins Dr Clough said I can have my pre-op work down here with my PCP since they have a lan at her office, though I will have to go to Maine General for another ultra sound of my gallbladder. I am thinking about asking if I can have the ultra sound up there, will give me another excuse to go all the way up there, about 1 hr and 20 minutes to go to a support group meeting. I really enjoy them, even though DH and I usually bring the twins. Even at 19 months they are pretty easy to take places still. DH said we can go to Disney late winter or early spring. I just hope I can find a reasonable price. I looked on the Disney site and was rather shocked by the prices. It is like a once in a life time thing for our family, I really want it to happen. I am really enjoying volunteering/working here at ObesityHelp. MemberServices get to talk with many members. I call new members to welcome them to the site, see if they have any questions or to see if they need help finding a surgeon. Most people are really receptive to a call. I think it makes us feel like we aren't so alone in this journey for a thinner us. I have met a few people from OH that live in Maine but not many so it is nice to talk to other people that are going through what I am. Nikki Hepfer and I have become pretty close. She works so hard though, I message her now and then just to make her laugh. She has really taught me alot about how to help people. Well enough of this. I still find it hard to write about myself. Next post will hopefully be to say I am approved and have a date. I really really hope it is before the end of May, which would make it like a month from now. **crosses fingers***
April 22,2003
Well this morning I recieved very upsetting news. Originally I was told,by various people, I would have surgery mid-April, then it was end of April then end of May and I think I took it all very well. Then today I called my surgeons office to find out if I was approved yet, I had been waiting to hear since my consultation on April 9th. Well Lisa, the person that scheduals said it would be June 17th, give or take a day or two and that it would be very unwise to go on vacation July 5th, it being too soon after surgery. I was SO upset. I called DH crying, he
said we would cancel our vacation and not to worry. Even my 9 year old daughter said it was ok to canecel. Well, right then it hit me how selfish I was being. We all have been looking forward to our trip for a year, even more so since we ordered our new camper. When Lisa called back to give me a firm date I asked if I could have surgery in July instead, after vacation. She was great and schedualed it a few days after we return. She also is schedualing all pre-op stuff around my vacation. I was really upset when I first found out about the wait but now I am fine with it and know it will work out for the best. So July 15th is my date. I am happy with it!!
July 4 2003
WOW, it has been a while since I last posted. I had no idea it had been that long. Life has been very busy for me. My two older children kept us busy with baseball/softball 4 nights a week, there was the school play, stamp club, homework club, field trips, camping and we even managed to find some down time now and then just to veg. I have also been VERY busy as a volunteer with Member Services at ObesityHelp.
I will say one thing though, through being so busy I have hardly thought about my approaching surgery. It all seemed so unreal for the longest time, no excitement at all. This made no sense to me and I guess still doesn't. It is not that I am not happy to be having surgery, I am THRILLED. From reading others posts and profiles I guess I assumed I would be on pins and needles with excitement. I am not complaining to be how I am though. LOL I would drive DH nuts if I was full of excitement over it. As it is he thinks I am on this site too much most days. ***Grins
I have another great angel. Nikki, who is Client Services Manager at OH has become a great friend. I do not know how I would have made it through some days without her. She has agreed to be my second angel. She and Deb are the BEST!
On July 2nd I met with Dr Clough for the last time before surgery. I like him even better then I did before. He is very warm and caring. As he was leaving he held my left hand in both his hands and assured me that things would go fine, my bmi is not that high, no co-morbs and I have a positive attitude. That made me feel great. He said my surgery is at 7:30 am, I told him as he was walking out the door to get a good nights sleep. Everyone laughed.
After that meeting I am more excited, but have had little time to think about it, we leave for a weeks worth of camping in the morning, I have had my head full of "stuff" to do with that. We come back on the 12th, I think I will do liquids till surgery on the 15th. Dr Clough just asks that we do not eat after midnight the night before but I have been told that doing liquids gives you less gas after surgery. Not sure if this true but it can't hurt and I am sure I will get enough food in during vacation.
One more thing, I reminded Dr Clough I was the patient petrified of the epidural. (He uses these for pain managment) He asked me to explain again why I was so nervous about it, so I told him about the spinal I had had with my 2nd child and how long it had taken them to get it in and how much it had hurt. He assured me that it would not be painful this time, they have the best doctors doing the epidurals, ones that are used to working on MO people. He also stated that the epidural is put into a completely different place then the spinals. I did feel better but asked if it was ok to tell them when I got there how nervous I was of it. He said yes and they would give me something to calm me down. THIS made me feel much better!!!
Well, time to get back to packing for camping. I will TRY to post before I go in for surgery, but since I am so bad about it I will not promise.
July 14th 2003
Here I go, I am so ready for this!
July 20th 2003
This is my 6th day post op. I feel like ick. So much happened and I was so drugged up I am not sure I can remember the time line for eveything correctly.
I got to the hospital at 5:15am, went through all the paperwork and more bloodwork. I told at least 3 people I was allergic to terry strips as well as that morphine made me itch. I let everyone know that I was scared of the epidural. So what did I do? I said "sure a student can put it in" How stupid was that??? LOL She did fine, would have hurt no matter who put it in. I cried and then got over it. They said they were giving me something to make me drowsy and that is the last I remember till waking up in post op, but that is all I remember of post op, is waking up. The next thing I remember is being wheeled into my room and saying what a great room it was. I was so drugged up everything seemed funny to me. I wasnt really in any pain, just when I tried to move. I guess I slept for a bit, when I woke up I thought they would get me up to walk but they didnt. I waited a while, drifted in and out of sleep,kept itching and itching. When I asked about it they said that some people react to the epidural with itching. They gave me bedadryl which of course made me all that more tired. About 2pm I asked when I was going to be able to get up and walk. They said they had been waiting for me to ask, I would have walked at least 2 hours earlier if I had known that. DH and I circled the ward a couple times then went back to the room where I slept again. They gave me ice cubes with swabs in them. I was just supposed to wipe my mouth but I sucked as much water out of that thing as I could, felt wonderful! The first day was great, it was much better then any of my 3 c-sections, I thought I was going to breeze through it all. Even the 2nd day started off pretty well, everyone was amazed at how well I was doing. I did keep having odd conversations with fans and TV (the pain meds did a number on me)but except for that all was great, till that night. The 2nd night was a completely different experience, during the day the epidural leed or whatever it is called fell apart a few times, I didnt think much about it. I did keep getting quite a bit of dermoral and wondered what the point of the epi was if I had to have that. Then my IVs kept blowing, everytime they tried a new spot it blew. I have 10 different spots where they tried. 5 HUGE bruises where they would push the meds in and not notice it was piling up under my skin and I was so doped up I guess I didnt always feel it or thought it was just a med that burned. All night long this went on. At the same time the epi kept breaking so I had ZERO sleep.
The next morning an anestegiologist (sp) came up who had no notion how to treat someone that had just had admonial surgery. He actually grabbed my arms and LIFTED me up. I yelped in pain but he didnt think anything of it. He tried everything to figure out what was going on with the epi but in the end told me he was putting me on a PCA because the epi was no good. He PUSHED me back down, at which time I yelped and told him to be careful, he looked at me like he didnt have a clue what I was talking about. He talked to the PA, telling him something completely different, then preceeded to push the epi med through the tube making it work, but stating it would not last, I told him not to go far because it would break in a matter of moments. The PA talked to me at which time he said the guy had said to keep the epi going and if it didnt work to go to pain pills. I started crying (remember I had been up for 2 nights, 3 if you count the night before surgery when I got NO SLEEP) He stated that I should maybe go on the effexor which I had stopped taking 2 weeks before. He seemed to think I was depressed. This I found shocking. I had never met the guy before, I had just been through a major operation,the anesthia guy lied and hurt me, I was drugged up and he reads I had been on effexor so ASSUMES I need to take it??? I told him I did not need to be on it, that is was primarialy for migranes that I was frusterated and tired. He dropped it. Then the epi broke. I told him to get it OUT of me. Come to find out the Epi was set at 15 but was only putting out 6 to 8, no wonder I was needing the demoral so much. So my pain managment was set back about a day. The PA said that I would be getting out the next day, that the insurance would balk at paying a 4th or 5th day, but some patients went ahead and paid for the day themselves. Where did I say I wanted to stay??? The pain was not undercontrol, I had more then 1 nurse say they never let anyone leave if it was not undercontrol. Not sure what made him say that, unless he just thought I was a pain in the butt maybe.
I do want to say the nurses and staff of EMMC were WONDERFUL. I didn't meet one I didnt like. They are all caring and encouraging. If all hospitals had nurses and staff like that I doubt there would be many complaints.
Later that night (2nd day) Dr Clough came in to see me. I do believe he is a wonderful surgeon and am STILL glad I chose him. He said that the PA had said I might need to go on the effxor, the nurse and I did a double take. The nurse said I had had a terrible night with no sleep for days, that was the problem, nothing more. The PA had never informed him of how my night had gone. I asked about the terry strips, why they had been used, since I am allergic to them, he said they were not red so not to worry, at which point I told him that they blister AFTER they come off. So he took them off, of the 20 strips, atleast 16 turned red. Dr Clough never said a word. I can just imagine what would have happened. After my son was born and they had used them, they had to scrape them and the glue off with a razor. I am glad I asked as soon as I did.
Things got a bit better after that. The pain killers kept me "high" and tired, but DH kept me going. He was wonderful and I could NOT have gotten through this without him. He stayed with me 2 of the 3 nights. The night that was so bad he was not there, which is for the good I am sure since he would NOT have been to nice to anyone hurting me over and over.
I have a high threshold of pain so I am not sure how it would have been for others. If the epi had worked I think it would have been fairly smooth sailing.
The day I was going to leave the OTHER PA came in and mentioned effexor again. I just told him not to go there. Then Dr Clough came in when I was talking about leaving, mentioned it again. I said "If one more person talks about the effexor I am going to be PISSED" The nurse hugged me and said to tell him! She told him what she thought, that I was tired and frusterated and on top of that had started my period, that it was not because I needed any med. I LOVE HER! Her name is Sally and goes to the support groups once a month to talk to the group. I had seen her at one of the groups and was not sure what to think of her but she was without a doubt the BEST nurse there. I had a NT (nurse technician) by the name of Wendy that was the most caring, funny and attentive care giver I have ever run across.
I was happy to leave but since I have been home I feel so lost. I do not feel like eating or drinking. I do not feel like doing anything but sleeping, but am forcing myself to get up and move a bit. I just want this week OVER. I feel if I can get past this week I will have it made.
I have a lump in my throat that never goes away. The gas is terrible and it wont come out. I have something that is "pulling" on my left side. It hurts the worst. The incision itself is ok, there is one part that hurts, but not always. The back of my left leg, knee, thigh and butt hurts, no idea why. I do not dare to call the surgeons office and ask about it. I would go to Dr Clough again, but I wish I was able to comminicate with him better. I have never had a problem communicating with a Dr before so I am not sure how to handle this. Hopefully all will be better soon.
July 27, 2003
Well here I am 12 days post op and down 19 pounds. I am completely shocked at the loss, never in my wildest dreams did I think I could lose that much so fast. There has been quite a few rough moments but they are getting fewer and father apart.
I read through my last post and think maybe it sounded a bit harsh. The care I recieved from Dr Clough and the staff of Merriot Floor 3 was the BEST! It was not anyones fault that my veins kept blowing,it is just the type of veins I have. As for the epidural, I do think it was some how defective, but since it was not the only form of pain managment I was on, I did ok, Dr Clough covers all basis. I am still trulling "pissed" at the anestegiologist (sp) and do not think I will get over that for a while. The one that was in charge of actually putting in the epidural was wonderful and very efficient. Nice too! :)
I want to go swimming so bad, but have to wait till my 2 week checkup. Not sure why the swimming is so important to me right now, but I just want to feel the water swallow me up and have always found it very relaxing.
My husband is still going strong, he has been wonderful. My mom has done as much as we have asked her to, but just staying with the children so hub could stay with me was more then we could have hoped for. She is always there when I need her.
Well I want to go outside and walk for a bit. I wish I had more energy to walk more, but I figure anything helps.
August 2003
It is the end of August and I am feeling so much better. At 4.5 weeks out my angel, Nikki, told me about Unjury protein powder. It was chocolate so I was sure I would not like it, but at this point was so desperate to get a protein supplement I ordered a jar of it. It was the BEST thing I could have done. It is very good. Mixes great and within 3 days I was feeling sooooooooooo much better. You can get it at www.unjury.com . I found out just how important protein is to the healing process.
At my 6 week visit I had lost 26 pounds. I was not completely thrilled with the weight loss but Dayna, my dietician, said I was doing great. She wanted me to add more carbs to my diet but I found the thought of that very discerning. All the really sucessful people seem to do mainly protein. Dayna said that a person should not get in too much protein. My average amount is 50 to 55 grams a day. I thought it was great to get in as much as 100 grams. If I go over 55 I do not worry about it.
We went camping this past weekend. It was so much fun. I can not really feel my weight loss yet but my energy level is much better.
I have noticed my face is smaller. I only have 1 of the 3 double chins left. hehe My legs look a little smaller and my shoes are loser. Other then that I can't really feel it. DH says he can tell my butt is smaller. YEAH RIGHT! Doubt it, but I gotta love him for saying it.
September 2003
This has been a great month. I started at Curves and love it. I have even signed to other people up that I know. I go at least 4 times a week but shoot for 5. It is rather ironic that DH kept telling me through most of August to get my butt in gear, walk, do something and now he says I need a break and should not work out so much. ****laughs
My weight loss is very slow, though as long as I lose I will not complain too much. Since joining Curves it has picked up quite a bit. In fact I hit my first "personal" goal. I knew I was seeing my GYN/OB this month and wanted to be under 200 by then. She hasn't seen me that weight since I was 9 months preggers with my son, 12 years ago. I was 199.5!! Not too bad. that was a weight loss of 33.5 pounds.
I also had some other news that is pretty fanastic. I had planned on substituting again this year, though with the twins still being so young (turned 2 this month) I would once again do mainly afternoons. Well I got a job offer I could not refuse. I am now an official employee of ObesityHelp.com!!! I get to stay at home with the girls but still work a fulltime job. I always said I loved volunteering so now I get paid for what I loved doing. Yeah me!!!
Well I am doing good with updates now. Shocking!! ****laughs**** I just had to come in and write down that I have lost more weight. Here I am at 11.5 weeks out having lost 40 pounds to put me at 195 lbs. Yes a slow loss, but who cares!! I can finally feel the loss of weight. I am feeling more confident and so much healthier.I have finally gone down in clothes sizes. Shirts are usually an XL or an 18/20, though there are always exceptions. I need shirts to fit over my big hips and butt. Some pants I can wear that are XL, but those are the stretchy jogging pants type of things. I can't wait to hit a 14/16.
The other day I took my son to soccer practice, there is this long field we have to cross to get to the field his team was at. He wanted me to run, of course I said "Are you kidding?" The spring before I would get winded just getting to the field, the thought of running across it had no appeal. Then I started thinking. I was not winded in the least, I felt great so why not do something other then just saunter across the field? I told him I would jog with him, of course he showed off and jogged backwards, but the biggest thing is I jogged. Not just part way or half way, but the ENTIRE way across the field and over to the next. This might not sound like a big deal but it sure was to me and my son. He gave me a huge hug and told me he KNEW I could do it. Funny thing is, I wasn't winded, not at all!!! Now THAT is progress. ***giggles**** On the way back across I walked, coming up the little hill to the field I felt my weight again, but that is ok, this time next year I won't think a thing about it.
November 15 2003
Today is my 4month anniversary. I have lost 51lbs which I think makes me a slow loser but I am fine with it. My nutritionist says I am right where I should be and not to worry about it.
I picked up pictures today that had some shots of me the day I came home from the hospital. My almost 10yr old daughter looked at them first on the way home and said "WOW, mom you really HAVE lost a lot of weight." I stopped and bought her some gum for that wonderful comment. DH said "I TOLD you that you have lost a lot, your butt is half the size it was." OK, not sure it is HALF the size, but I love him for saying it anyway.
I have learned so much in the last 4 months. I know how to eat better, I know where my "danger zones" are and at what time they are. Knowing doesn't always make me stop my bad habits, but I have definitly curbed them.
As a pre-op I sometimes wondered how Post-Ops would eat things I considered no-no's. Things like soda, popcorn, pastas, cakes, and so on. I never voiced this, because I figured they just might know something I didn't and BOY was I correct. No one can be 100% forever and ever. If we don't let ourselves have things we want that aren't necessarily what is good for us, how can we stick to our food plan easily? I try to stick with my plan but I don't always, maybe I just have no will power, I really do not know. What I do know is that if I do not let myself have those 4 or 5 crackers I will later have them PLUS more. The way I see it, 4 months ago I would have ate the entire package, so if I am eating only 4 or 5 just how bad does that make me? I am not saying I do this on a regular basis, maybe once a week or every 2 weeks. I do eat too much watermelon when we have it in the house, but again, its fruit, its not like it is icecream or candy. I have been 100% faithful to no sweets. I do not want to take the chance of dumping. I do not see a time I will ever risk it, but if the time comes, well so be it, I will have a little bit and be satisfied. Personally I hope my body does hate sugar.
There are so many people on this site I admire, too many to name. I have gotten support and advice from many wonderful Post-Ops and Pre-Ops. Everyone has something to offer, even if it is just to let someone know you are thinking of them. I used to post to surgery pages all the time, but since getting a job have not done nearly as much. I am going to make a new commitment to doing more. Atleast 10 minutes a day and 1 hour on the weekend. I wish everyone would make some sort of commitment like that. I know when it was my turn for surgery, the posts and email of support was tremdous and ment so much to me. I want to know I am giving back some of what I received.
Sometimes I think about what the new year will bring for me. Will I make it to goal? Which goal, the one the dietician set for me (140lbs) or the one I would like to be at (130-135). Will I really be able to see the weight loss? Will I EVER get my upper legs smaller? They are the only things not losing. Will I have all that energy others talk about? Yes my energy has improved, but I want to be like those out there living life to its fullest.
Since the first couple weeks I have not regretted having weight loss surgery. Sometimes I do wonder if I will be a failure at it. I think many of us have been programmed over the years to think we will fail at most anything we do. I have a great support system, DH, mum, the kids, the girls at Curves, my PCP, my dietician,Nikki and many many MANY people here at ObesityHelp. This time it WILL work. Yes, I will always have to watch myself, but I am learning how to change my old behaviors. I am scared of hitting the 6th month mark. Right now even if I feel a bit of hunger it isn't bad and I easily ignore it, but what happens at the 6month mark? I have been told many people get their appetites back. I do NOT WANT mine BACK! I want things to keep on as they are now. Does anyone else fear or DID you fear that 6month mark?
Anyway, I am rambling now, I have never ever posted something this long. Not sure I will ever again either. I will soon get a new picture up, the kids say this one I have now really doesn't look like me anymore. Funny how kids can be a one moment and an the next. Gotta love them!!!
Thanks for being such an amazing extended family!!
January 3 2004
As always it has been a very long time since my last post. I had posted at least 3 other enteries but they were lost in the BLACK of the internet. It happens and I will not complain. ;-)
I have now lost 65 pounds and am quite happy about that. Loosing slow can be annoying but at least I am loosing. The month of December was rough. I did not get much excersice because I had so many commitments to deal with. I ran into a depression around Christmas, my PC died and I was without a PC for a week. This forced me to take a week off of work. I found that extremely stressful because I felt like I was letting down everyone here at ObesityHelp.com. Of course everyone was great and gave me all the support I could have dreamed of. This is a wonderful place to work for.
Have the kids home so much has been difficult also. They are at an age (the older ones) where they fight more then anything else. Sometimes I wonder if I am a good enough mom. They know how much I love them, but sometimes I just want them out of my sight for a while. I am told all kids go through this phase, I trying very hard to give them extra individual attention but of course with 4 children it can be hard. I have to call different martial arts places in hopes of finding a place with the right price that my son and I can join. I am hoping it will teach him restraint. He is a wonderful sweet kid, but at 12, well, we know what a pre-teen goes through. ***grins
As for my weight loss. I have gone from a 26/28 to a 16. My hips/thighs will never get smaller or at least that is how I feel. I so hope I will be able to get into a 12 at some point. My dream of an 8 is fading.
I plan on going back to Curves on Monday and being faithful again. Except for snowstorms I should be able to do this. I would like to join the YMCA or something. If they have martial arts I might do that, then my hub and family can go enjoy the place.
I went to a support group on December 5th and met a bunch of the people from the Maine message board. They are such a great group. We had a great time chatting and Casey gave me bunch of clothes that really boosted my self esteem. Before Thanksgiving I had no idea just how baggy my clothes were on me. The pictures from that day were outrageous. Pretty bad when stretch jeans are falling off of you. ***grins I had some taken on Christmas that looked much better, but I still have a long way to go.
Nick bought me a digital camera for Christmas and I finally learned how to use it. Taking pics of the kids is wicked fun. He also bought me a fish tank. I LOVE it. Jake and I had fun getting it ready. Amy was gone to Moms so she missed all the fun, but when she got home we put the fish in the tank and she even put her Beta in and it seems to be thriving.
There is a good chance I am going to California at the end of the month for work related reasons. The flying does not bother me, it is changing planes that does. I am so scared of getting lost or missing my flight, but I AM a big girl, I can do it! I admit that in the back of my mind I think about terrorists but I will not let that stop me. The chances are slim but the thought of dying and leaving my kids scares me. The thought of meeting these great people I work with spurs me on and makes the thought of going VERY exciting. I was surprised Nick was fine with me going but it is only for a long weekend and Mom will be here. 6 months ago I would never have wanted to go, specially without Nick, but things have changed. I have a bit more self confidence but more then that, I need to grow as a person. Oh it would be wonderful if Nick could go, I would feel better but it is ok. I CAN do THIS!
I meet with Dr Clough on the 12th for my 6 month check up. I am not sure the blood test results will be in but I do not think that will be that big a deal. He can always call me later when he gets them. Chances are I am normal in everything.
Some here on site have been talking about if they are proximal or distal. I am sure I am a proximal but curious how much was bypassed. I wonder if Dr Clough will tell me.
As for my eating, I am ok with it, but I have to keep the chips and popcorn OUT OF THE HOUSE. I need to talk with mom about that. She sends a lot of that stuff over here and it is hard for me to resist. I have no temptation for candy or cookies, but for some reason chips are my downfall.
Ok, I think I have typed enough. As I always say, I will try to do better about updating. Oh...MichelleOhVolunteer put the virtual model on this profile. It is amazing. I WISH I would look like the end results but I do not see that. I wonder what I will look like in the warm months. THAT will be the test. ;-)
Bye bye for now!
January 12, 2004
I know I post now and then and always am answering questions or repling to other posts but it isn't often I really talk about myself. Well, today I am.
The last month or so has been pretty difficult. Decemeber brought many challenges along with a short lived depression. I have not excersiced in this time but plan on going back to Curves tomorrow and in Feb my son and I are starting karate classes together.
It surprises me that I am still losing. I have not weighed myself in 2 days because if I do not weigh myself first thing in the morning I dont bother. Well today even though I had already had a banna and water I weighed myself. I was VERY VERY shocked to see I had lost 2 lbs. Just where did that come from???? I have been over doing the carbs this week, mostly in fruit and veggies but I had popcorn and pretzels also. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining, just a tad shocked.
Today I went to eat some chicken and it got caught. In the past this used to happen quite often but not in a while. The pain was sooooo bad, never had it that bad before. I spit up what I could and then just bent over and held my pet pouch. After about 10 minutes there was some MAJOR gurgles and the pressure was released. It was then bearable, but took another good 10 minutes for it to go away. Now I do not dare eat anything.
Most of the time I feel like a failure. Why is this? I am losing weight, I have not gone back to my OLD habits, though some days it is a struggle. Last night I laid in bed begging the higher power to keep me from going to the kitchen. I didnt go and was very thankful and proud of myself, but I do not always win these battles.
Sometimes I think I am programed to think of myself as a failure or at least that at some point I will lose this battle to become thinner. I try very hard to be upbeat and positive but at times it isnt easy.
On a good note, I have had 2 friends from here at ObesityHelp.com that live in Maine and have the same surgeon as I go through surgery, well actually there has been at least 4 or 5 from Maine. It is so super seeing them make it to the losing side, finally someone to really share the experiences with. Going to support group is a lot of fun now.
I do not know what I would do without this place. I must have smiled for 3 days on the compliments I got from my newest picture. ObesityHelp and its members ROCK!
Thank you all for the support, the information and letting me share this journey with you.
Luvs you!
Theresa
OpenRNY 7/15/03
235/166/140?135
January 17, 2004
Life is good! As busy as I am with work I am enjoying it so much. It is nice to have my brain working. :) The only thing I feel bad about is not working out, yet I am losing weight and inches. Once again I do not have much of an appetite nor even feel like looking at food. Wonder where that comes from? My mind just feels so clear the past few days, not that it is always cloudy but I just feel better. Must be from the extra stimulation my brain is being given. Wish the kids would settle down a bit but they have cabin fever from not being able to go out so much cuz of the cold. It has been down right frigid, like -20 and that is not with the windchill.
I am hating my tummy, it looks like a dried prune most the time. When I bend over it looks so freaky, I had my family laughing at it. I do hope at some point insurance will pay for a TT or a panni or whatever it is, I would like them to pull my tummy muscles closer together. After being preggers 3 times, the last time with twins and having 3 c-sections, my belly needs it BAD!
A friend from site, Elsa had her surgery and all has gone well. I am so happy for her. She is such a sweet person. The girls from Maine are doing WONDERFUL, I am fortunate to of met so many great people, I hope we stay in touch for years and years.
My 6 month appointment with Dr Clough and Dayna was cancelled. Both of their Dads died at the same time. Pretty ironic. I feel bad for both of them and hope they arent hurting too bad. So I see Dr Clough at the end of the month and Dayna at the beginning of Feb. For some reason I do not mind the wait. Am I getting patience in my old age? :)
Gotta go, busy busy busy.
January 25th 2004
Today is my 12th wedding anniversary, though we have been together almost 17 years. Time sure flies. I bet few thought we would last if they judged our relationship on the first couple years we were together. So much has happened in the last few years. It is down right amazing.
Another good thing about today is that I am down to 162 which is a loss of 73 pounds!!! That makes me feel wonderful. 22 pounds to go till the goal Dayna my nutritionist set for me and 27 lbs till my personal goal to make it to 135. I came up with 135 because I want to hit that magic 100 loss. Just 2 months ago I had doubts I could make it to 140 but I do believe it now. I WILL make it!
There have been tough times, times when I wanted to kick myself. Mum brought over chips for the kids the other day and of course I had to go and eat some. Chips are my downfall. I still do not have any desire for cookies, icecream, candy and stuff like that. I am VERY thankful for that. I did figure out that anything but plain chips does not agree with my pet pouch. Guess that is good.
I need to get back to Curves. I know I have lost muscles but I can regain that. Work has been VERY busy but I am loving it. Still, I can not let it interfere any longer with my health and my family. It has been my choice so I only have myself to blame. I want to be able to shout to the world when I hit 135. Having said that I wonder if 135 will be enough for me. Not like I will really have much say in it. My body has the say it seems. But the thing is I see so many reach their goal and want to go further. Just where does it end? Will us former MOs ever be satisfied with ourselves? I know I want my tummy done and my PCP says there is a good chance we can make that happen, possibly even my breasts. I would KILL to get Lipo on my butt. ***giggles If I can talk hub into helping foot the bill I might get my fat wings done. Of course I am getting way ahead of myself. I still need to lose 22 more pounds before any of this can happen.
I have been talking to my Mom-in-law about the LapBand. I worry about her, she has quite a few health problems and I am sure losing some weight would help her. She agrees it would but I know having an operation scares her, lord knows she has gone through enough already. I guess I just want her to feel good like she used to. She used to do amazing things and never stopped. Oh well, time will tell.
My son and I are supposed to start karate next month but I think he is trying to back out of it. Not sure if I should push him or not. I want to do this very bad but not by myself. Maybe if we sign up for a month he will find he likes it as much as he thought he would and will want to continue. Time will tell on this also. :)
Time to go buy more fish, we are so addicted to our fish tanks.
Theresa
OpenRNY 7/15/03
235/162/140?135
January 29, 2004
Yesterday on the 28th, I went and saw my surgeon Dr Clough for my 6th month check-up. It was a great one! He said I looked absolutely wonderful and was doing better then he even thought I would. He set a goal for me to reach 135-140lbs, which is what I had set for myself so that is good. :) He will not be doing anything to my tummy like a TT or whatever it is called. I wanted to go to a PS anyway, but Dr Clough said because of the way I heal he really didn't want to. Not that I am a problem. LOL I just heal thick and I guess the scarring might be to great for the regular way. He said it is best to see a PS who is into the art aspect of it. I completely agree. He had my starting weight higher then I did, he had it from my pre-op checkup 2 weeks before surgery, I had been going from the weight I was the day of surgery. According to him I was 238, so if I used that weight I have now lost 77 lbs. Not to shabby.
My tummy is worse then jello. I can not believe how loose and flabby it is. I could be down another size if it was not for that. Dr Clough recommended I wait till I am 18 months out and my weight has really stabilized before pursing any type of plastic surgery. I figure I will wait till the kids go back to school in September and camping is over to start the process.
So all in all I am quite pleased with my progress. Just wish I could get my water in, lately I have not been able to. I am going to make this a goal for me.
While in Bangor DH and I stopped into see Ron who is a member of my support group, a member here on OH and a patient of Dr Cloughs. He is such a funny guy, even laying in his bed obviously not completely comfortable he was in high spirits. I have to admit I am soooo glad I am past that first stage of being a post-op.
I really enjoy meeting the people I have met on here, specially the people from the Maine message board. What great people they are, very warm and welcoming. Always there with a great attitude and offering support.
Time to get back to work.
Theresa
OpenRNY 7/15/03
235/161/140?135
February 25, 2004
Below is a post I made today.
********
Sorry but I have to get this out. Not sure if it is because it is morning or what.
I am tired of snow, tired of coldness, tired of schools having a winter vacation, tired of diapers, tired of soooooo many things that I have no right to be tired of, much less complain about.
What really upsets me is that I still have not broken this platue!! I am starting to feel like I never will and that I will fail this. I found myself going back to my old bad habits. Though for the last 3 days I have done really really Great! You would think this would make me happy and I suppose it does yet I guess till I see that scale move I will not feel like I have accomplished much.
Right now should be such an exciting time for me, I am going to Cali next month, then WaltDisney World in April and after that we have our seasonal campsite at my very favorite campground. So why am I not jumping for joy?
pounds pounds pounds pounds, I am starting to HATE that word.
I swear I have not obsessed over it at all till this week when the platue from hell seems never ending. I know I have to give it some time, but I want instant gratification!!!! And I want it now. (Can you see me jumping up and down screaming that?) ;-)
Ok, my rant is over, thank you for your time.
Theresa
*********
The outpouring of support I got from this post is amazing. I can not tell you how many people reached out to me and gave me a boost over it. One person has been a lurker for 9 months without ever typing a word, yet she posted saying that she has followed me from the beginning. This is just too sweet! Everyone says I am the cheery one, the motivator, the one that gives them encouragement. I never saw it that way, but I guess I do try to be positive, I believe positive thinking goes a long ways. My mood has gotten much better. I would be crazy for it not to have.
A fellow worker made me promise not to step on the scale for a week, keep up the excersize and the good eating. He seems to think I will lose weight, he said 5 lbs but I dont think I can lose 5 lbs that quick this far out. Of course if it happens I will not complain. ***grins
We are training more volunteers tonight. I used to love volunteering for OH, it gave me so much satisfaction to connect with those just starting out. Some feel so lost and need a smiling voice. I wish I could convey to those that are thinking about volunteering how wonderful it can make them feel.
Anyway, that is it for today, shocking I posted 2 days in a row!
March 2, 2004
Today Leigh Ann Robert finished this new profile for me. I LOVE it!!! Diva Dollz are so darn cool! Even my children love it.
I have tried very hard not to weigh myself this week, but it sure has been hard. Plus it is that time of the month, I usually lose 2 lbs right before I start but by the end it is hard to tell what will of happened. I have had the munchies mega time. Most days I have been very good though I have not gotten in enough water. I have gone to work out often, it feels good to work out.
I tried on clothes tonight, ones I have not worn since before I had my now 10yr old child. Most of them were very big on me. That made me feel good but it is also depressing to see I really have no decent clothes to wear. I have bought a couple tank tops for my trip to California along with new light sneakers. I really want to get another pair of pants but get so discouraged when looking for them. My body image is way off. I see on thing, feel another thing, then am something else. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be satisfied with how I look. My tummy is so disgusting I am not sure how I will react if I get denied when I send in for approval for a TT. My arms are terrible, my inner thighs are terrible and now I discover all this excess skin on my back. Do not get me wrong, I am still very glad I had surgery and will be for ever thankful for what I have lost, but I never thought I would feel this way. Then on top of all that I worry I will not get to my goal weight. If I don't it will be my fault, no one elses. I get off track so easy. I wish I could force myself to wait another week before weighing myself but I do not have that much will power. Oh well, time to put the babies to bed..............
March 3 2004
Just a quick update. I went 1 week without weighing, tried my best and lost 1 pound. Hope this means that my platue is broken. Considering I had my period this week and had the munchies I can not complain. 1 pound is still a loss. I am going to try to go another week without weighing, lets see if I can lose at least 1 pound. :)
March 5, 2004
I am in shock, good shock but shock anyways. Yesterday I was 158lbs, today I got on the scale and am 155lbs!!! Yes!!!!! The plateau from HELL is broken!! I can not remember the last time in this journey I have been so happy about a weight loss. **grins.
Here is what I believe broke the plateau. First, I started really paying attention to what I was eating and when I was eating it. If I had that head hunger, where I just wanted something in my mouth sucked on sugar free candy. Most of the time I have that need before bed while watching TV. Second, I upped my protein. I started using 2 servings of Unjury a day. It was obvious I needed more protein, this just proves it. 3rd, I did try to go to Curves more often, though it was not regular, I still need to commit myself to going again. 4th and one that is very important, I had my family, friends and all of AMOS behind me. The support was tremendous. I could not have done it without everyone. Thank YOU!!!!
Even though I tried to keep positive and say that I knew I would still lose weight, it was getting hard to stay up beat. I am a true believer in positive thinking. One can not get through life without being positive. But when you go 6 weeks without a loss, even the most positive person can get down. Today is a wonderful day and I will not forget it.
If you are going through a plateau, please hang in there, it will break.
March 6, 2004
As many of you know I was on a plateau for weeks and weeks but it has been broken. I have lost 4 lbs in the last week. This is great!
Last night I also figured out I am not a 14 but a 12. Why it takes others to tell me my clothes are too big for me I do not know. To be in a 12 feel wonderful! The excitment is unbelievable.
All this makes me very happy, yet, there is a down side.
When trying on shorts last night I found that my knees are sooooooooo sooooooooo ugly. They jiggle BIG time when I move. It is down right embarassing and makes me unhappy. DH and Mom seem to think I can get the flab to tighten up by working my upper legs. That is the area that I have the most to lose in, but will it take care of the jiggles? Do I really want to wear shorts? I had been so looking forward to this summer and not feeling so out of place in a bathingsuit, but now I have to wonder how I will feel. Do not get me wrong, I WILL be buying and wearing a suit. I thought it would be my flabby tummy that would make me feel funny but no way, it will be my knees and upper legs. Shorts cover the upper legs but not down to my knees. :-(
Another thing, how come when I look in the mirror when trying on clothes I am so happy. I can see the difference, see who I am, yet I think others still see me as MO. If most Americans are overweight, then I am normal (only about 20 lbs left to go) So I am no bigger then most of them. Yet, I still wait for someone to look at me like I am in the wrong clothes section, I worry about what people will think of what is in my cart at the grocery store and things like that. I mean, how dare a MO get popsicles and such. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating a little, but I think many of you know what I am getting at.
Then, looking in a mirror while I am NAKED! OMG, I do not think the dear lord meant for a person to get that scared. :haha: It is down right frightening.
Confession time!!!
I really didnt think about what I would look like after surgery. I just assumed I would be much happier with my looks after, which I guess I am, but it is a bit disturbing. Most of us going in just hoping we will feel better and I do feel better and am VERY thankful. I never ever thought I would have issues with how my body looks. Does this mean I am vain now? Never ever have I been vain and do not want to start now. :angst:
Thanks for listening.
Theresa
OpenRNY 7/15/03
235/155/140?135
March 7, 2004
Today Amy and I went shopping for bathingsuits and pants. I was so discouraged at first. The suits were either too big or too small. The pants were to short or to long. Do people that have been thin or normal sized all their lives go through this? I did end up finding a bathing suit that I really like. It is a once peice, with a skirt on it. It is black with white poka dots. It fits me perfect. If the flab/skin on my legs didnt jiggle so much I would really really like it. I am not sure how I will ever get some of that to go away, but I will work on it. I will have to ask if walking will get rid of some of it. Right now plastic surgery sounds good. LOL But that is not an option, only way DH would agree to it is if insurance paid for it and I am sure they woudlnt. Even if DH agreed, I think the bill would be to high. I never thought I would have issues like this, pretty odd.
I almost forogt to add that I have finally come to think my butt isnt half as big as I think it is. Today in the shorts and in the bathing suit, for the first time that I can ever remember, it did not stick out. It did not scare me, there was not a shelf to put a drink on, it looked pretty normal. This in itself is a huge triumph for me. Never ever did I think that part of this journey would include losing much of my butt. This is such an added bonus, I can't tell you how it feels.
March 15 2004
Today is my 8 month anniversary. I am not where I had hoped I would be but I am happy with where I am. I have now lost 82lbs. The last 2 lbs were from having the flu. It was terrible, but at least I lost weight.
Did I mention that my friend Leigh Ann, the one that did my profile, won her denial and can now have surgery? Yeah!!! I am so happy for her, she always seemed to have patience, much more then I would have. She won in the end, that is the important part.
I leave for California on Thursday. It is so exciting. This cabin fever is getting to me really badly, I need a break. Plus I think this break from the kids will make me appreciate them more. I love them to death, would never think of living without them, but winter is hard because we can not get out much.
Anyway, thanks for reading. Hugsss
March 24 2004
What a week I have had!! I went to California for business on the 18th and had a BLAST! I got to meet most all my co-workers. I knew we had a great group of castmembers here at OH but didn't know how talented and fun they were.
I had not flown since I was a freshman in HS. I was probably about the same size then as I am now. (12) Actually I might have been bigger in HS, I am pretty sure I was. Anyway....... The flight out was good, but I wondered then how people that are big can fit into the seats. I saw so many people struggle. I now know what the people on the MB meant when they talked about it. With so much of the world being overweight how can the airlines keep making the seats smaller? Poor Kirk, he is like 6'4 and even though he has lost over 430 lbs, he is still on the big side, anyone his height would be. LOL He had his knees so crammed up. I do not know how he did it.
The airports are another matter. So much walking!! Of course I am lucky none of this bothered me, I never got winded, even when I had to run to catch my flight. On the way home a great person helped me find my plane but I still came close to missing it cuz I had to go pee. ***grins Somethings never change I guess. I got off at one end of the airport in Detroit, walked close to a mile, then down and through a HUGE long tunnel, up stairs, through another LONG corridor, then had a hard time finding where I would take off from. It was in this little cemement tunnel about half a mile long. I am hoping it is just a temporary thing. NO bathrooms or chairs. It was odd seeing all these lines with people sitting on the floor.
While there we went out to eat a lot, I am afraid I did not do that well on my eating, but with all the walking it kept me stable. The second day home I did lose a pound. That makes me 12 lbs from my nutritionist goal and 17 from mine. I am getting there! I do worry about my eating at times. It is always in the back of my mind I will gain the weight back.
It was funny, there were a few people that I met that had no idea I had had wls. In fact one did not know until today when I was chatting him on IM. That blows me away. I guess I look normal, but I still feel like people see me as obese. I even got a few compliments while out there. ;)
I asked a friend that I have known for a few months if I was what he expected when he met me. He said NO, from all my complaining about weight he assumed I would be bigger, but he says I am tiny. Well, I will not say I am tiny but I guess I am smaller then I feel. Like they say, they do surgery on your tummy not on your brain.
We went to the Spectrum each night, on the second night we ended up at Crazyhorse, it is a restraunt and has a bar attatched. We went into see the band playing, I had so much fun!!! The band was super. It was without a DOUBT the best night there. ***Grins I should have sucked a "lollipop" all night. The eating was bad.
I have a new favorite song. It is called "Why Can't I?" by Liz Phair. It has great words. I can picture exactly what she is saying. This happens, I get hooked on a song for a few weeks till the next one hits. I think Amy is like that also, she is hooked on "Stacys Mom". We fight over who gets to hear their song. lol
This weekend she and I start shopping for Florida. Even though it means spending money I am really starting to enjoy shopping with her. I hope it continues. Jake and Nick will need clothes, but they have yet to tell me what. I need shorts and some shirts. We also need to get luggage. This trip is going to be a blast. I love my Sami and Sarah but it will be great to have just the 4 of us going, like the old days but Jake and Amy are more grown up now.
When I came through the door at the airport and my family was standing there, it was wonderful. Sami said "Mom you are HOME!" I was afraid she would not have noticed I was gone. Amy was so thrilled to get me back, not sure why. lol
Nikki, my manager is so wonderful, just like I knew she would be. It was just like I have always been around her, Kirk and Larry. We are such a great team. Rooming with her was cool also. She is the BEST!
Anyway, gotta go. Hugssss
March 30 2004
Well today is a frusterating day for me. I have come to realize many things about myself, but still can not quite accept them.
I have had people tell me that I am small enough, people that I trust and respect. Of course these people have not seen me with my clothes off. ***grins I do not think losing the next 10 to 15 will show that much but will make my clothes fit better. I have to stop seeing myself as fat, it is hard. I do not want to be someone that talks about her weight all the time, can not keep obsessing over it and all. Those types drive me nuts!
Having said that....... 2 days ago I was at 150, today I am almost 155. I am having my period so that is sure to be a good deal of it, but what if it isn't. What if I am eating to much, what if I keep gaining. I know most of this is silly fear, but it is still a fear. I want that 150 back!!! I refuse to change my profile. ***grins I have never gained 5 lbs when having my monthly, so why should I now? I am eating better, pretty proud of myself. Of course yesterday I screwed up and had popcorn. I know I have to get popcorn in the small bags, I eat to much if I do not. Last night was a small bag but I did not need it, I just wanted it.
I plan on getting out and walking later. It is beautiful out and hopefully warm. If I can talk Nick into it I want to take the girls, but he would have to go because our driveway has so much mud right now I could never get the stroller through it myself.
Spring is here and it better not go away!!!
April 11, 2004
Yestersay I went to the Alumni Event for patients of EMMC Sugical Weight Loss Program. It was really fun and I got to talk to many of my friends from here on the website. Everyone looked fabulous. I wish Jill had made it but for some reason she was not there. I will have to find out why then scold her. **laughs. Going made me see just how far I had come, it was wonderful. I think I will always have hangups, but will try to work them out. I talked with Dr Clough, he seemed interested about things here at ObesityHelp.com, that was sorta cool.
Kelley and I at the EMMC Event
Our trip to Walt Disney World is less then 2 weeks away. We leave on April 22nd. The kids are very excited. Not sure what Nick is thinking, its like he is along for the ride. LOL I know he is going to have a wonderful time, it will be hard leaving Samantha and Sarah but they will have a great time with Nana.
I have bought tons of clothes for Florida which I had planned on using for this summer but I am not sure that will work out now. To my utter shock I am starting to fit into a 10 pant and medium shirt. For some reason I had it stuck in my head that I would be a 12 all summer. I have not lost weight, just a pound that I lose then gain for the last couple weeks. Do not think I am complaining, but I have all these cute clothes that I really wanted to wear. LOL The thought of spending more money on me is starting to bother me. It was fun but now I am thinking it might not be fair to the rest of the family. People say I should think about all the years I did not get for myself, only out of necesity, but it is still hard. At least I have gotten summer clothes for Nick, Jake and Amy, the loved shopping for them. When I get back from Florida I will have to start looking for clothes for Sami and Sarah.
Well, today is Easter, I better see if dinner is almost done, the troops are hungry.
Hubby, the twins, and myself on Easter 2004!
Have a great day!
April 17 2004
Today has been a busy day, busy but good. Saturday is the day I get to sleep as late as 11am if I want, but this weekend is our last one before we go to Florida so we had things to do. I had not weighed for about 5 days, I had been getting discouraged and figured I would wait till today. Just so happens I forgot. About 4:30pm I was near the scale and DH suggested I weigh, well it is a rule of mine I do not weigh unless first thing in the morning. He sorta nudged me to do it and I was so happy I did. Some how I managed to lose 2 lbs in the last week!!! Yeah!!! Since it was the middle of the day I might even have lost more then 2 lbs. I always go by my morning weight. I am hoping all the walking we do at Disney World will help me take off some more, but I also know my eating will not be all that good during our trip. I am now 8 lbs from my nutritionists goal and 13 from mine!!! Starting to fit into some pants that are 10s and medium shirts. I really do not want to spend more money for clothes this summer plus I really like the clothes I have bought. I guess it is worth the sacrifice. ***grins
If I remember to weigh tomorrow morning and lose anything I will be sure to come back here and tell about it. ***grins
4 more days till Disney World!!!!!!!
April 19 2004
Today I woke up and got on the scale. Pretty shocked to see it say 145.5, I left for a while and went back and it had moved up a bit. After 1 hour it said 147. I decided to keep it and not weigh again today. ***grins We did go shopping yesterday, did lots of walking, then Amy and I went for a walk later in the day, not a long walk but a walk never the less.
After today 2 more days to Disney World!!!!
April 30, 2004
Got home from Walt Disney World late last night, actually early this morning. Went to bed about 2am this morning, we were so tired, the kids and I giggled most the way home from Florida.
The trip was great, though I am more then happy to be home. The weather was fabulous, we all got burns but that was ok. Of course listening to everyone, including myself, whine was not fun. I felt so comfortable in shorts and even my bathing suit. One day we went to Typhoon Lagoon and it never once bothered me that I was in a bathingsuit. For the first time in my life I did not think people were looking at me. It was so cool!!!
I walked and walked and never once got tired. The 3rd day my legs felt it but not all that bad. I was hoping I would lose weight but I think I stayed the same weight. Can't complain since I wasn't great about my eating. I really did try the first part of the week, but then pretty much gave up. Walt Disney World is not set up for those that have to watch what they eat. I ate icecream 3times, then thought I would go for the REAL thing, old fashion vanilla which I used to LOVE with a passion. WRONG thing to do, within 10 minutes I thought I would vomit, I hurt so bad. Of course it had to be 10:30pm and we were waiting in the longest line we ever had encountered to get back to our resort from Magic Kingdom. I will NEVER EVER try old fashion icecream again.
I was so proud of myself though, I went on all the rides cept for 1 that the rest of the family went on. I even went on Tower of Terror and AeroSmith roller coaster that goes upside down in the DARK!!! It was a blast. Never in my life would I have thought I would do something like that. I am not sure if I went on to show my kids up or because I feel more daring. I did things this past week that I never would have thought I would do. Could weight loss give a person courage? Hhmmmm.........
While flying, at the parks and during the entire trip I would see obese people that were struggling or obviously uncomfortable with what they were doing or themselves. There were a few times that I was in line and could not help but think "they will NOT fit on this ride". It would break my heart thinking of how hurt they would be, all the emotions they were going through. I am so thankful I got to go on this trip at 147 lbs and not 235lbs or higher. For the first time in my life I felt normal.
People have pretty much always chatted with me, but of course there were many that avoided me. Most of you know how that is, they avoid eye contact or act as you are not there. Well it has been so odd the last couple of months to have anyone and just about everyone talking to me. Men and women from all walks of life. I know I am not anything like a model or even close, but to have men that are gorgeous talk to me, to have eye contact with them or a smile, this I find unsettling still. At first I would look around to see if it was me they were looking at. ***grins Funny when they would notice that and laugh at me. I really feel that I make all people comfortable to be around me. I do not care what they look like or how much they weigh, people are people, if you are friendly to me I will be friendly to you. Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone was like that?
I have to put the babies to bed but I am sure I will have more to write about my trip later. I can not wait to get my pictures on this pc to show everyone.
May 1, 2004
Today has been a great day. It is so warm out, the sun is shining bright and the grass is turning greener by the minute.
I weighed myself a little while after getting up and found I had lost another pound. I am now 146!! How cool is that. 6pounds from my nutritionists goal and 11 lbs from my personal goal.
We went to the campground where we are going to put our camper for the summer. There was not much to do since they had cleaned it up already so we walked around and talked to some people. Next weekend we will take the camper down and most likely stay over night. They still have not got a phone line down to my lot yet but hopefully soon. The manager said I could work from their office but I am not sure how well they would like Sami and Sarah in there destroying everything. ***grins Sounds like it should be a great summer though, can't wait for it to start.
May 13, 2004
Gosh darn it! I guess all that naughty eating at WDW caught up with me or maybe the lack of activity since then. I weighed in this morning and had gained 3 lbs! Yesterday I had gained 1 but I know from experience that a 1 lbs fluctuation happens now and then, but not 3 lbs!!!!
I am feeling bloated though, even my legs feel heavy. I had chineese food last night but I havent ever noticed that do anything to me before. I did have Generals Chicken which I had not had since surgery. Hhmmm......
Anyway, the last 3 days I have been on track and doing well with my eating and drinking of water, that is why this comes as such a downer for me. Maybe the good lord is giving me a little more incentive to do better. ****grins
I am more determined then ever to get off the last pounds and maybe beyond. This weekend I am going to walk walk walk and some bike riding. I took a good tumble last week while showing off with my son, ached for days.
Please send me positive thoughts so I can keep on track!
Thanks my OH family!!!
Theresa :-)
BTW, I am leaving my weight as 145 pounds, if this is mostly swelling then it should drop back down quickly. I am keeping my fingers crossed!
May 20, 2004
Well, today is my 37th birthday and I have been sick most the day. Not sure what it is but it could be a new medicine my PCP put me on for ADA, I will have to see if it gets better over the weekend.
I posted on the main mb and Maine mb that it was my birthday, boy didn't I feel the LOVE! So many wished me Happy Birthday and good wishes. It was just fantastic. I guess I needed some extra attention today. It hasn't really bothered me turning 37 since I feel physically better this year then I can ever remember.
I have been in a wicked funk for a couple weeks, not really sure why. There are a few things bothering me but nothing all that big. I did contact Lynn (Bari coordnator) and ask her if she could get me in touch with the psychologist up there in Bangor that is also a RD. I have heard amazing things about her and I would like to see if she can help me with my funk.
In case I have not stated my fears before let me share them with you now. I am scared I will not lose the last 10 lbs I want to lose. I am scared I will re-gain the weight I have lost. I am scared I will once again be a failure. Is it normal to go through this?
My eating has been bad, it is almost like I am sabotaging myself. Why would I do this? It makes 0 sense to me. I do have great days where I do wonderful, in fact all week I have done wonderful, then comes the nighttime. Night time for me is EVIL! I give up and give in. Why? Why? Why???? It just does not make sense.
So as you see, I DO have issues and I guess I need someone to talk to about them. Of course there are other issues in my life, I work too much, feel like I do not spend enough time with my family (even working from home this is difficult)feel like my children fight with each other and me way to much. I am not active enough and the pounds are not coming off. There is more stuff but those are my biggest hang ups at the moment.
I am still in a size 12 I of course want that 10 before I have PS because after PS I KNOW I will go down another size. My PCP still says I have a great shot at approval for a TT. Since first researching it I have found that there are many different kinds of TTs. I want andioplastmy, which is the kind that tightens your stomach muscles. After having 3 c-sections and having the twins stretch me out so much I am in major need of some tightening.
It really bothers me that I am unhappy with my accomplishments when I know I have come so far, I do not even look like the same person. Do we ever get to the point where we are happy with ourselves? I am starting to think we don't!
Well, that is my story for now. Hopefully next time I update it will be on a cherrier note.
Be well!
June 1, 2004
I really do not have time to post, I should be working. **grins But I had to come on in and say that I have lost 2 more pounds. I have been better about my eating though far from perfect. I have been a bit more active, running around playing with the kids, walking all over the campground and generally loving life as much as possible. I guess it pays off to improve ones attitude. Of course I also had my monthly and always lose 2 pounds then. I swear my body is so odd, always the opposite of what it is suposed to do. I am not complaining, 2 lbs is 2 lbs. It makes me 3 lbs from surgeons goal and 8 from mine!!! Yeah!!!!
I have made an appointment with Liane Giambalvo for health and behavioral counseling. I sure hope my insurance pays for it, but even if I have to pay for it, if it works I will see Liane. I know I need more then the support I get from OH and the support groups at EMMC. Maybe if I could go to the support groups more often it would be enough but since I can not, I will try this.
Gotta get back to work!!! BTW, I am now 143 pounds.
June 7, 2004
Yesterday I weighed myself and it said 140, of course I did not believe it, there is no way I weigh so little. I said I would weigh today and if it was the same I would believe it. Well today I forgot to weigh before I had my protein, after about being up a hour I weighed, it said 141!!! I may not be 140 but I will sure take the 141 pounds. That makes me 1 lbs from Dayna(nutritionists)goal and 6 lbs from mine!! Yahoooooooooo. I can see PS in my future, I just have to call and make an appointment. I know it will take a bit to get in so making it now is ok.
Being active on the weekends really helps I guess. Of course all the strawberry pie and watermelon I have been eating most likely does not hurt either. I LOVE the strawberry pie, it is so darn yummy, the kids love it also. Starting next week I should be able to get out in the afternoons a bit, I will get more active but I also want to start tanning!! I havent done that since I was like 20. To actually have a tan this year would be wonderful.
Hopefully my next update will say I have hit 140! Wish me luck. :)
June 19, 2004
Within a week of my last update I went back to 144. It really did not make sense but was very discouraging. At the time I was going through a very hard time, more then just my personal life. I know I was not eating right and was sort of out of control but did not think I would gain weight.
On Monday the 14th I went and saw a therapist that works with wls patients and she is also a RD. I really did not know what I would gain from seeing her but at the support group people really thought she had helped them so I figured it would not hurt to see her.
I learned many things about myself in the first meeting with her. I will share some of it but not all because some is very personal. My father died when I was 4.5, his death never affected me, I just went about life as normal. Right up till Monday when I met with Liane I never gave it a second thought that the fact that I never really grieved was an issue. We discovered that I tend to think like a child with "magical" thoughts. Like if I do not do something a certain way it something might happen. This is part of my OCD of course but it developed most likely from this death so early on. I know logically if I do not pray for someone that it would not be my fault if they died but then why do I worry so much? Pretty odd.
All this week I have caught myself thinking in those "magical" terms and I have to laugh about it. It has made this week so much better for me. Plus the non personal issues have improved 95%. This has been a VERY good week. I ate really great, drank lots of water and was not beating myself up all the time. Best part is I lost 2 of the 3 pounds so am not at 142 pounds! I really think most of it was water retention. The 1 pound left could be real weight gain but if it is I will deal with it. I will get to my goal weight.
I can not wait to return to see Liane again. There were some tears but I do not care, it was worth the week I had.
June 23, 2004
I am feeling so wonderful. Well, I have a raging sinus infection going on and can not taste or smell but other then that all is great! I am eating great and drinking tons of water. I am at 141 and will NOT go back up. My goal is to lose the last 6 lbs by the end of my vacation. My vacation is the first week in July. I see Dr Clough for my 1yr check up on July 19th. I want to be able to show him that I am a sucess! Yeah!!!
July 13, 2004
I am back from a weeks worth of camping for those of you that might of noticed I was gone. I would have stayed longer but our phone was not put in so I had to come home to use the PC. Would have been nice to work from camp while DH had fun with the kids but oh well cant have everything in life I guess.
We had a wicked good week, walked a bunch, swam some, laid on the beach and got a bit of a tan (something pretty much unheard of a year ago) danced with the kids in front of everyone without feeling foolish and ran around like a child loving it all! I even had some one I have sort of known there for a few years tell me how "hot" I am. I laughed at that one, but later when we were at a campsite with friends, everyone but the kids there and DH and I were drinking, this same guy had me do a twirl so everyone could see what he called his favorite assest of mine!! MY BUTT!!! A year ago I would NEVER EVER have thought my butt could be called an asset. DH says I hardly have a butt. I was LOVING IT!!!
Last year I was just getting back from a weeks worth of camping, getting ready to go to surgery on the 15th. This year has flown, seems just the other day I was a newbie post op. So many changes have taken place, most for the good thankfully. I am not sure what my weight is today because I weighed myself hours after I got up and I only take the first weight of the day as truth. When I did get on the scale it said 140, I was 139 when I left, so I am thinking I did not gain weight. THAT is good, but I was hoping to of lost a bit. Oh well, vacation is for fun. I really did do well on my eating, I did not stick to the right choices all the time, I had chips, pizza, 1/4 cup soft serve icecream and such, but it really did show me how much my eating has changed. I did not want all the stuff I would have ate last year when we were at camp for the week. My favorite dish was the homemade chilli. CHILLI? HUH? Last year it was the french fries, onion rings and fried dough. We had friends down for a day, I cooked tons of food for them and then ended up eating a salad, not because I had to, but because I wanted too! Yeah for me!!!!
This journey is quite a trip, one I am VERY glad I ventured on. Yes, I would do it again!
July 14 2004
What a difference a day makes. I wonder if anyone reading this journal might think im disturbed. Seems like one day I am up and the next down or just plain off the wall.
Yesterday I did super good all day, once night time hit that went down the drain. All I wanted to do was eat eat and eat. Why? Well, I dont have a clue. Even though I was not hungry I wanted to shove my mouth full of food. Today is the same way, though I have been some what in control. I am trying to water load to help me battle the binging I seem to want to do. Even though I am full all I can think about is food and what there is in the house to eat!! Driving me NUTS! I know I can not be the only one that goes through this but right now it feels like I am.
Tomorrow is my 1yr anninversary, I wonder if that has something to do with it. I am 140 exactly. I want to be that or less when I wake up tomorrow. I had planned on walking today but by the time I had free time to do it, it was raining. Please lord let me not be over 140 tomorrow!
I see Dr Clough on Monday and want to be under 140, I wanted to be 135 but I know THAT isnt going to happen. Most would tell me not to beat myself up over it and I will try not to, I have come a long way but I feel like I still have a long way to go. I swear I losing the 95lbs was the easiest thing, getting to a 100 pound loss and maintaining is going to be the hardest part of it. God willing I WILL do it!
Well that is my rant for the day! I am sure I will have more soon!
July 26, 2004
Well I never wrote about my 1yr visit with Dr Clough, I am not even sure why, I really thought I had.
Everything went well, he said my labs look fantastic and to keep up with what I am doing. The only thing I have not been good about is my calcium, but I do get more then I ever have in my life since I drink milk every day and take a vitamin. I WILL get better on this.
Dr Clough was happy that I had made it to 140 though his scale said 141. He also stated that since I made it to 140 so easily that he wants to see me get to 130. Yeah right! Easy? HAHA. OK, so it wasnt that hard, but it wasnt a piece of cake either. What he says makes sense, no reason I can not hit 130. All I have to do is up my excersize and get back to basics.
Actually since my appointment on Monday the 19th, I have walked daily, not far but I have walked. One day I even insisted on mowing part of the lawn with the push mower. Hub doesnt like me mowing the lawn because I dont do it correct. Hey, I figure as long as the grass gets cut, does it really matter if we have zig zags all over the place? **Grins Over the weekends we walk a lot at camp, I refuse to have a golfcart to get us around. Walking is good and Sami and Sarah enjoy walking. On Saturday I danced my butt off at the family dance, was pretty cool. Did not do much yesterday but today Amy and I went for a nice bike ride. I am feeling really good about myself and when I stepped on the scale I had lost 1.5 lbs in the last week. Can't complain about that. Though I am scared that it will come back, seems when ever I tell about an accomplishment it reverses itself. lol Pleaseeeee do not let that happen. So, I will not share this with anyone unless they read this journal.
Ok, time to get back to work!
July 27, 2004
Why do I put anything down in writing? Gosh, I swear it just sets me up for failure. I should just keep all my thoughts in my head and things might work out.
Yesterday I was in such a positive frame of mind, all was pretty wonderful. Then BAM! I screw up, not just a tad but BIG TIME.
I went and got an Atkins wrap from Subway, I have never been able to eat an entire one before but I sure did yesterday. Not only that, about a half hour after I ate watermelon, not just a tad, but about 2 cups!!! By the end I could feel it coming back up but did not stop. Why didnt I? I just dont get it, it is like I purposely did this to myself. I was in the worst pain I have been in because of bad choices in months. I vomited and got some relief but just did not have enough so made more come back up. I felt so bad I was in bed before my 10yr old child.
I did not even go for a walk or bike ride yesterday. Why am I doing this to myself???? Will I always be like this? Please hope that I am not, I wanted to change with this surgery. I want to think normal not think of ways to hurt myself like this. I am seeing a therapist to deal with issues, this being one of them. Sometimes I do not think there will ever be an end to it...............
October 18 2004
Well it has been a LONG time since I have updated. Why, you ask? One very simple reason.......... I have felt bad about my eating and figured I had written enough negative stuff in this journal. I am seeing a therapist and she has helped me quite a bit in my daily life. She feels as I get other issues under control my eating will fall into place. She has made me see I am addicted to food. I could never see this before but it is plain as day now.
I eat to put other things in its place. I eat when I am under stress, I eat when I need to feel things "regulated", I eat as part of controling kaos in my life. Something as simple as getting the children to bed late can set it off. Pretty odd I know, but she said it is a step just being able to see that. So, I will continue to work on it.
I have only weighed myself maybe 3 times in the last 2 months, each time I had remained at 139-140. Last week I had stayed at 139 which made me feel good, though I was not sure how it happened. ***laughs
Today I weighed myself and was flabbergasted to see I weighed 136!!!!! YEAH!!! Didn't that make me feel wonderful! I guess I have been working on my eating issues. I now have a normal BMI! Is that not just the coolest things?????
At the end of the month I am going to ObesityHelps LA Event. I will be flying to Ca on the 28th and getting home the morning on 11-1. Each trip there will be 2 flight changes. This is scarey but I KNOW I can do it. Never ever would I have done this 15months ago. I feel like I am growing up!!!
I felt like I needed to go to the Event, it is an overwhelming feeling. It is a growing experience, one that I need at this stage in my life. It will also be great to see so many of the members I have "talked" to through posts, emails, tech support, IM and to make new friends with other members. Plus this is a big deal to OH, I love OH and want to see it grow and grow. I also hope to get to know some of the staff better and to establish closer ties with others. Everyone I work with has something different to offer to OH, everyone is so talented and wonderful.
Friday of the event we are having a Costume Ball, it is going to be a blast. I bought a Little Red Riding Hood outfit, complete with basket. ****Laughs I can not beleive that I will wear a costume let alone one on the short side. I did buy tights to go with it, no way even if it was appropriate would I wear it without tights. My legs are hideous. ***laughs
Hopefully the next time I update I will have more great news. Thanks for reading! hugssssss
September 15, 2005
Well HELLO!
It has been 11 months since my last update. So much has happened since then. Why havent I updated? Well, many many many reasons. :-( Most of the reasons I do not feel like putting down because they really do not have much to do with my wls.
BUT, what has kept me more recently from updating is pretty simple, I have been very disappointed in myself and did not want to write about it. I was ashamed of myself and didnt want the world to see it.
Ok, a little recap of the last 11 months.
I went to the LA Convention and it was SUPER! The convention itself made it VERY worth going all that way for. I met some great people and learned even more then I thought I ever would.
I got back and jumped into work, but DH decided it was time (and I pretty much agreed) that I start devoting myself more to the family then work. I was putting in some major hours here at OH. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining, for the most part I loved my job.
So, at the end of the year I resigned, simple as that.
I then had time to spend with family and to work out. I loved going to the gym 3 to 5 times a week. It was such a challange, but a good one. My eating started slipping but I still lost inches which pleased me to no end.
So, skip to this summer. haha We have a camper at a great camp ground and the children and I went there for the summer. I only came home 1 night from June 23rd to August 28th. This meant that I did not go to the gym because camp is a bit more then 1 1/2 hours away. :( At the beginning I had every intention of walking daily, riding my bike, working out to DVDs, I really truly did. But none of that worked out. I walked, but walking with 2 almost 4yr olds the walking is slow. Plus they didnt want to walk that far once the novelty of it wore off. Because of the girls again, I could not ride my bike often. And as for the DVDs, pffttt, YEAH RIGHT! Nope, didnt put them in but 2x. And in the summers I drink on the weekends. Yup, just about each weekend I drank, that in itself is bad enough, but I also didnt watch what I was eating.
See why I have not posted? ***** sigh
OK, fast forward to the last couple of weeks. I KNEW I had to do something, I had gained like 12 lbs. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!! I have been reading the WLS Grad board and loving it! The gals and guys on there are always there to help.
Yesterday we started a Protein Train! For me it was a "Get back on Track" type of thing. I am starting to feel in control again. Next week I get back to the gym and that will give me even more control over my actions. I am a person that needs routine, desperately!!!! Yesterday wasnt perfect but it was the best day I have had in months! Today has been great so far and if I can get through the evening hours which is my hardest time, then I can do it tomorrow too!!!!
For the first time in a LONG time I am feeling postive about my weight! I hope it hangs around for a while!
A big THANK YOU to the people on the WLS Grad board!!!!
You are a temptress
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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  Created by Leigh Ann, 03.02.04
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