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I am nervous, scared, and excited in anticipation for my surgery. I know this will be a complete lifestyle change, and I am already preparing for it! I will listen to people, who try to dissuade me from having this surgery, but ultimately this is MY decision to make and I would love some support!
May 4th, 2004
Several people have told me that the secret to losing weight is to exercise, and not eat so much. (I think..."WOW! And I thought I was supposed to be sedentary, and eat continually!") It is not that simple for me. I have tried a ridiculous amount of diets and they have not had sustainable results. I have to do something to make my life better, and to improve my health, so this is the decision I've come to.
I have had quite a few people (including Doctors!) tell me I don't look fat enough! I am over 100 pounds overweight, I am always sick, I suffer from sleep problems, back problems, joint pain, asthma, etc. and have a family history of arthritis, joint problems, heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, GERD, and more. When exactly is the right time to decide that I have to do something to help myself? I get on the scale and the doctor’s answer is invariably "OHHH!" (You know- the doctors equivalent of "get off the scale before you break it!”) I apparently hide my weight well, and I'm not sure if this is a blessing or a curse. I am so tired of people telling me that I need to weight a lot more before I have surgery. What should I have to do? Gain 100 more pounds before these people see how much unhealthy I would be? GRR!
I'm chatting with my sister now, and we are grousing about a bad support session last night. The support part of the meeting was great, but we had a serious disagreement with the doctor who starts the meetings. He refused to state (in writing) that we have been attending his meetings, and so we have to start over going to the Bronx for our own surgeon’s support meetings. We are probably going to be unable to get the two in that are required before our surgery now. We went to three meetings with the above-mentioned doctor, but he doesn't want to help us it seems since we are not his patients. I would think that ANY weight loss surgeon would want to help ANY patient seeking help with weight loss! Our surgeon told us that it was fine with him that we go to the other doctors support sessions, however; we cannot get any written documentation, so its as if we didn't go at all! GRR!
My husband called me from work first thing this morning to tell me that our new insurance plan has just kicked in. Now I have to get all the new insurance plan to my surgeon ASAP, since they are trying to get approval for my surgery in three weeks! I hope they can get everything ok'd soon so I don't feel so anxious! GULP!
Well sorry for all my complaining, its just been a trying last few days for me! I'm still hoping tomorrow will be a better day! I will add more tomorrow...
May 4th...Later...
I went to a support meeting in the Bronx tonight, and feel very reassured by what I've heard. I am no longer worried about getting in my two sessions before my surgery. There will be one more on May 18th, which will feature a guest speaker who is a plastic surgeon. I am curious to see what he says about excess skin, etc. which I'm afraid will happen to me. There were some good comments and even greater answers to pre-op and post-op questions tonight too. I also met a nice lady who is also having her surgery the same day as I am. We intend to talk on the phone, and online until our surgery, and may even end up sharing a hospital room! :) It will be nice (?) to be able to talk to someone who is on exactly the same page as I am after surgery. I am really looking forward to my surgery! I am happy enough that I think I will rest well tonight! :) YEAH!!!! C'ya tomorrow!
, AKA our new BEST FRIEND, called my sister, Sara today, and changed her surgery date to mine! That means we will be together for our surgery and most of our recovery in the hospital! She is 'over-the-moon' about it, and I'm glad we can continue our journey together, just as we have so far! <br />
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We are both trying really hard to lose a little more weight in preparation for our surgery. Apparently Dr. Teixeira is now requiring it, although he didn't say anything to either of us or tell us how much we have to lose. I figure as long as we both make a serious effort to lose something that we will probably be okay. <br />
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To that end I have been walking a lot, and started working our with my Gymbar again. I think that its a great preparation for when I make it to the other side, and maybe will help me to heal faster. Also, exercising my big butt as much as I can and it will make me stronger in Two Weeks! YEAH! That’s right folks! TWO WEEKS! WOOHOO! <br />
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Sara, and I still haven't heard anything from our insurance companies yet. Shawn said this morning that no news is good news, but that we should probably be receiving a letter from our insurance company soon. I hope he is right, and that this particular train WILL NOT be delayed! (I won't let them derail me either! LOL!)<br />
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Well, I guess that’s all for now. I'm going to hunt around for others that have a date coming up, and shore up anyone who is feeling down on the list now. Take Care & have a great day! :) <br />
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I woke up today with the overwhelming need to purge my closet of my winter clothes. So at first I figured I would take all my summer clothes out and pack up my winter stuff. Then it dawned on me...Next winter NONE OF IT WILL FIT ME! YAHOO!!!! So now I have it packed up to bring to the next clothing swap. How COOL is that?!?!?!? Its gonna be at least three bags just for my sweaters though! I Simple can't wait to shop for new smaller size clothes! BLISS!
May 12th, 2004
I went shopping for my vitamins today! I bought myself Chewable Bugs Bunny Sugar Free Multivitamins, BEANO, Chewable Calcium, unsweetened applesauce, etc. I didn't know what kind of Iron to buy, so I'm going to wait and ask my nutritionist. I don't wanna take the liquid stuff since it stains ur teeth though! I also looked at b12, but i wasn't sure what to buy. I need to ask about the Viactive Chew too. I wonder if they are too high in sugar, or too chewy to digest properly after the surgery....
Only 12 more days until my new life begins! YEAH! :)
May 13th, 2004
Sara came over tonight and we did our exercise together. She is a great motivator, and she MADE me (!) walk an extra time around the park. It felt great though! We did 5,982 steps according to the pedometer (although I think that its a little screwy with its counting, especially after I dropped it and the cover broke off!). Our goal is supposed to be to take over 10,000 steps a day, but I didn't wear the pedometer at all today except for the walk, so who knows how many steps I really did. Okay I feel an excuse coming....I'm fat, crampy and asthmatic so who actually decided how many steps I should be taking anyway?!?!?! LOL! I'm pretty proud that I did any exercise at all! I can't wait to lose some of this weight so I won't feel as winded so early in my walk!
I like to be able to talk to Sara, so I have someone who can listen to my hopes and fears while understanding most of what I'm saying. I was saying that I want to reward myself with special non-food treats as I pass each of my goals. Like...I want to treat myself to a manicure after I lose the first 20 pounds, and plan to buy something (other that bath/body stuff) from Victoria’s Secret after I lose 40 pounds!
I've also had some really positive responses from my emails to people from this list who live nearby to me, who are also having their surgeries soon. I hope I can eventually get to meet them, and thank them in person for their encouragement and support! Its weird in a way for me since I live in NJ, but my surgery is being done in NY. Most of my surgeon’s patients are New Yorkers, and they don't live close enough for me to volunteer to be their angel. I think I'm going to volunteer to be an angel for a few other people in NJ anyway! Its a good thing to do, and a great way to create a support net for them as well as for me.
I think its difficult for my hubby to understand why I have been spending so much time on the computer lately. I feel like he cannot understand all of the emotional turmoil I am feeling, and I don't want to be constantly talking at him about it (He is watching Hockey on TV, so I really would be talking AT HIM! LOL!) But seriously, I think its very helpful for me and other people on this list to be able to reach out to each other and commiserate about all of our hopes and fears for this exciting new chapter of our lives.
OOH BOY! YAHOOEE! Only 11 more days! I CAN'T WAIT!
PS A week ago I sent in a picture to add to this profile, and today I sent in another, better one. So soon you'll be able to see who is rambling on like this! LOL!
May 15th, 2004
Sara and I walked 4 'figure-eight’s' around my local park. The pedometer said it was almost 6000 steps, but Sara says its screwy since we know how much distance it is...We walked around 4 miles! (WOW!) I'm actually amazed with myself! We are doing well trying to lose a little weight post-op, but its not easy.
I am feeling anxious since I still haven't heard anything from my insurance company as to wheather I am approved or not...I am planning to call them and drive them nuts until I get approved starting Monday. I'm worried that I'm going to run outta time if I don't keep on them about this. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, so I'm continuing to plan as if I know it will go through.
I have to buy a calling card to use at the hospital. I packed my robe, and some socks (my feet are always REALLY cold), lip balm, and a puzzle book into a bag to take to the hospital. I'm planning on making a wound care lotion for my sister Sara and I to use post op. If anyone out there doesn't know...I make soaps and lotions, etc. for a living. I'm hoping that the potion I'm creating will reduce our chance of infection, as well as making our scars heal better. I guess we will see huh?
Well, I guess that’s all for now. I am hardly able to sleep it is 6 am and I'm still awake and online to post this. I guess its nerves huh? 9 days 'til our surgery! I can't wait! :) WOOHOO!
May 16th, 2004, 3 AM...8 DAYS UNTIL MY NEW LIFE BEGINS! YIPPEE!
I'm excited that my time is drawing nearer! I did a lot of stuff today, on only 3 hours of sleep! I gardened for 3 hours, cleaned my house really well (ask Sara...it was a lot of work!) since we were expecting company. Sara and I also walked a bit...less than yesterday, but I figured it was better than nothing. Besides with all the other activity I must've gotten in enough exercise! I was pretty good with my diet today. I ate enough protein eventually, but I need to eat it a better schedule. I've started to eat in a way that will make my life easier after surgery. I took all my vitamins and supplements too. The only thing I didn't do is drink my protein drink. I will have to do better on that.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. I'm sooooo tired! At least I should get some good sleep tonight. That is if I can sleep while my hubby is entertaining his buddy. G'night! C'ya tomorrow....! :)
May 17th, 2004, 12:15 AM ....7 days 'til my new life begins!
Today was a great and exciting day! When I read my email this afternoon, I was pleasantly surprised to find an email from my new angel, Marilyn R.! She has been kind enough to offer to be my sister Sara’s' angel as well. Isn't she the best?!?!?! :) Thanks for making my whole day great Marilyn!
I drank my protein drink twice today. I decided to increase them as I get closer to my surgery so I will get into the habit of drinking enough everyday to fulfill my protein requirement. I also took my vitamins, and supplements. I'm worried a little about drinking water though, since I'm not much on water. I read on the message boards though that some people drink Crystal Light and S/F Kool Aid instead of plain water, and that fulfills their water needs. THAT, I can do! :)
I exercised by walking again tonight, 2.5 miles (4 figure-eight’s) in the nearby park. It took me almost an hour, which is a slight improvement over when I first started. I originally thought that four times was four miles, but I was wrong about that according to my pedometer (then again I'm still using the one that’s kinda screwy so who knows, huh?!). Either way, I'm proud of myself for going and continuing to exercise everyday like I promised myself I would! Tonight Sara couldn't join me for my walk. :( She walked dogs with our friend instead and drank her protein, so I'm proud of her!
My husband, Gene and I went to Costco today, and we walked around pricing some of the things my nutritionists suggested we try post-op. Check out the NY/NJ Message boards for my posts on the deals I found! :) Who doesn't LOVE a good deal!?!? Besides, I think getting the things in preparation for the weeks following the surgery is essential, especially if you are not up and running about right away.
I went to my local dollar store a few weeks ago and found these little disposable 'shot glasses' that are exactly 1 oz.! I think these will help with portioning post-op. They were $1.00 for 50 of them too! :)
I am going to try as best as I possibly can to stick with what the nutritionist says I should eat. I am sure that is the best way to take off the excess weight fast, and safely, and keep it off. I DO NOT plan to EVER deviate from the list she provided us with. Someone mentioned last night that you should learn to adapt your life, and your habits to your new lifestyle. It makes a lot of sense. Why would I ever want to test out my pouch, and find out what I can tolerate? What if I never dump, and can tolerate everything? That might let me slack off doing what I am supposed to...I might GAIN WEIGHT that way! SO...Forget it! I am not going to even attempt to find out.
To be honest, when I started on this journey, I couldn't believe all of the things I had to give up. I was sure that it would be impossible! Give up my diet soda? No way I thought! I haven't had any carbonated beverages at all since January 13th, and to be honest, I don't really miss it! (NICE SURPRISE!) I really learned something about myself by doing that. I learned that I'm strong, and capable of doing whatever it takes to do what I know is right for my new life. I've also cut out all caffeine, which was harder, but possible! Now I have cut out CHOCOLATE! I know that after surgery I cannot have any. Today I wouldn't allow myself to eat even the tiniest piece. I heard from someone in-group that there are 'trigger foods' for everyone. These foods, when eaten (and tolerated!) will lead you to stray from what you should do. So, (says the person who mentioned it)we should avoid these food or foods FOREVER! For me chocolate and other sweets are my weakness.
I have a really bad sweet tooth! I know they are a definite no-no whether I could tolerate them or not. I am going to have to REALLY FIGHT that one! Even Sara thinks I'm going to struggle on that. However, I noticed that the past two weeks or so, a lot of things seemed too sweet. I watered down my crystal light, because I thought it was overly sweet, I added 1/2 the equal I usually add to my iced tea, and today in Costco, I gave my husband a smoothie drink after one sip for the same reason. Hopefully, I am losing my sweet tooth! ;) Wonder if the tooth fairy will visit? lol!
Well, I guess that’s all for now. I should try and get some sleep soon, since I have to re-stock one of my retail customers, go to wash laundry, meet Sara and a friend for lunch, and THEN go to my pre-op class in the Bronx. WHEW! And tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner with friends too. Suddenly, everyone wants to provide me with my 'Last Supper' out. I keep trying to explain to people that I'm not being put to death, I'm just making a new, and better life for myself! Ciao! Yvonne
May 19th, 2004
I didn't post any messages yesterday because I was simply too exhausted from running around all day! Yesterdays Pre-op class was great! I met alot of great folks like Beverly W., Luiz, Ina, Tonya, Jackie, Valerie, Beverly M., Luz, Carmencita, Paris, Neferti, and Ro-Ro. I was told all the nitty gritty details, including my need to take a 'yummy' citrate of magnesia 'cocktail', and that I couldn't eat any regular food after Friday. We have a clear liquid diet for Saturday and Sunday, Enjoy the above mentioned cocktail, and then we cannot eat or drink anything after midnight Sunday. It was a very informative, and supportive class! Unfortunately, the class ran so long, that I was late getting to a dinner party! I also called my insurance company and found out I was approved, but Sara was having problems with her insurance company (Oxford) trying to find a way to deny her! It bugged me all night, and I had a lot of difficulty sleeping.
This morning I got up at 6:15 AM, and had a terrible headache. Forgetting that I wasn't suppossed to take any meds, I ate a banana, and my protein shake with some sinus allergy headache pills, and the rest of my regular meds. Unfortunately I got an upset stomach and had to stop and get sick on the way to picking up Sara, and our other sister, Barbara.
We made it to the Bronx and checked Barbara in with her surgeons office by 8AM, and then we caught up with Maria, who is the nurse practicioner (sp?), and AJ, who is Dr. Teixeiras nurse (and truly is Gods Gift to WLS patients!!!!)They were soo nice! They know all of us as sisters' and have no problems remembering all the intricacies of each of our cases without even glancing at our charts! (AMAZING!)Anywho...Sara mentioned to AJ that she was having trouble with her insurance company, and was afraid she was going to be denied for Mondays surgery. AJ, was just great! She said, not to worry about it, and that she'd take care of it.
Sara and I had to go to our pre-op testing. Sara had to go to the pediatrics ward since she is only 20 years old, while I had to go to the regular part to get my tests done. Well, I had a dificult time finding out where I needed to go (yeah...I walked past it three times before I found it! DUH!)but I made it before my 9 AM appointment time. Sara joined me in the waiting room since she was finished with all of her tests in a half hour. I didn't get called for over an hour and a half, (even though I was second in line to start) and then they insisted that I needed to redo two of my tests because I'm an asthmatic. Long story short...I wasn't finished with my testing until 3pm.
Sara and I grabbed a light lunch while we were waiting for me to be called in for my chest x-ray. Then we went back across to Dr. Teixeiras' office to try and find Barbara. Barbaras' meeting apparently ran really late, and was really a challenge for the entire staff! We were told that some of the people went nuts about having to pay for the class, and didn't want to have to make any changes in preparation for the surgery (!) and really were heckling the doctor and the staff.
After Barbara got out of her meeting, her nutritional consult (she lost almost 20 pounds! YOU GO GIRL!), and her one-on-one with Dr. Gibbs (who is her surgeon), we all met up at Group. We sat with Tonya(who was scheduled for her surgery tomorrow...and got cancelled -for now!), and with Amy and Annie. (PS: They both looked GREAT!!!!) They were as sweet as could be too!
We had EXCITING NEWS right before the meeting began! Sara got approved at 4:31 this afternoon. WOW!!!!! I burst into tears when I found out, I was just so relieved for her! Sara and I did a happy dance out of the group meeting and into the hallway with dozens of support group friends staring at us! (We knew they'd understand, and they did!!!)
We listened to a talk from a plastic surgeon that is handling more and more patients who had bariatric surgery. He was very nice, informative, and very willing to listen and answer all of our questions. What I liked best was that he was HONEST! He made sure we knew he was not a miracle worker who could give us back our dream bodies, and made sure people knew that we would have scars whether we liked it or not. He has never lost a patient either, but he had one patient who had an infection (the patient still healed beautifully!). He made suggestions that were in line with what we could expect, including the fact that few obese (or formerly obese) people can be helped by liposuction alone. I cannot think of his name right now, but if anyone wants his name, you can email me, and I will forward his info.
Well, I guess that's it for now. Sara decided to stay at my house with me tonight so we can go shopping tomorrow. In fact I think she's already sleeping! I'm jealous and want to go to bed too, but I gotta thank all the great folks who have sent their good wishes my way first, and check in with my angel before I do. I'll write more tomorrow! :) 6 DAYS before my new life begins and counting!!!!!! :) Yvonne
Thursday, May 20th 2:23 AM
Well here I am unable to sleep again...preoccupied with thoughts about my surgery on Monday. I keep thinking YEAH! Only four more days until my rebirth! And THEN...I start to get nervous! This is the first real shot of being scared about this. I know I've made the right decision for me, and there is NO CHANCE I'm backing out after all of the hurdles I've dragged my fat butt up and over! BUT...I'm still kinda scared. I got this health care proxy form from the hospital asking me who I'd like to make my healthcare related decisions if I am unable to make my own decision. WHAT??? I am NOT going to have any problems, ask ME! But then that mean 'ol devil starts putting those scary what ifs in my head...! I think I'm not going to fill out the form. If I just throw it out, maybe I will feel alot better. I'm not sure yet. I've put it away at least for now. HMMMM.....
Today I went to the store and bought myself new slippers and a 'duster' to use in the hospital. I also exchanged my scary-mechanically-failing smoothie maker for one that won't try to electrocute me every time I turn it on! I think that will be great for my puree stage. I also simply LOVE smoothies!
Sara and I went and bought our 'yummy', 'effective' Citrate of Magnesia today. Apparently, even though I am on a salt restricted diet due to Menieres Disease, I still gotta do some kinda bowel prep. And all of the bowel preps have tons of sodium. At least I gotta break though...the nutritionist said I only have to drink 1/4 to 1/2 of it! If I drank it all, I'm afraid I'd have an attack, and then they'd probably cancel my surgery! :( Like the attack isn't bad enough! :( NEWAYS
I better try and get some sleep. I have another busy day tomorrow. Besides I'll probably unpack and repack my bag again! LOL! I'm so compulsively neurotic about some things! LOL!
'Til later Ta Ta! >:Op Yvonne
Friday, May 21st 2004, 1:50 AM.....3 more days!
I was feeling really depressed for a while tonight, until Sara visited with me, and we went out for a bit. I'm glad she came down, since I was able to get some vitamin E, new chewable multivitamins, etc. that I wanted to get (I returned some of the ones I bought last week, cuz I'm WAY too frugal to pay DOUBLE what the new ones cost me tonight). We went out to my local diner, and I only drank decaf coffee since I wasn't hungry. I'm kind of proud of myself for that. Even if it sounds silly. I usually will eat regardless of whether I'm hungry or not. Hopefully this is an improvement in my general attitude towards food. Of course, Sara says I was staring at her while she ate...! Hmmm...? We went for our walk, but only got through half of it because the lights on the path went out and it was kinda too dark to see.
Tomorrow I've got a lot to do! I gotta wrap things up that I can't do this weekend, and certainly can't do for at least a week. I've got a couple of shipments coming in for my business tomorrow, and several while I will be in the hospital as well. Hopefully someone will take them in for me so I don't have to deal with this after I get home!
So...Why was I depressed earlier?? Well, I'm pretty upset with my husband because he is telling me that he 'might' have to work on Monday instead of taking me to the hospital. I'm confused. He requested the day off months ago, and they scheduled him on it anyway. He told his boss that he still needed the day off he said, but his boss said maybe. I told him he needs to explain to his boss that his wife is having surgery on Monday, so that’s why he needs it off. But my husband seems to feel that he will only be dropping me off for my surgery, and staying for a little while, so why don't I just hitch a ride with Sara and our friend Sue. GRRRR! I'm going to have to sit him down for a talk tomorrow. He doesn't seem to understand that I need him to be there for me physically, and not just give lip service in support of me having this surgery. Darn! My dad and husband aren't sure they’re going to be able to visit the hospital (although Sara is more sure dad will try), and this really bugs me too. If our friends, and our other sister (Barbara) can visit (and she doesn't even drive!), then I think both my husband, and my dad can inconvenience themselves enough to plan a visit as well! Oh well I guess I'll have to learn to deal with this, but I feel like a sort of unsupportive mood has suddenly taken over my (family) life. And the timing REALLY sucks 'cuz I'm starting to get scared. Thank God for Sara, and the message board on this list! If it weren't for these I'd be NUTS by now!
Well, I'm going to offer best wishes to my friends & compatriots on the message boards now. That always cheers me up! Besides, Sara is talking to me on Yahoo Messenger (which has been our lifeline most nights as of late!), and I want to chat more coherently with her. See you tomorrow! :}Yvonne
May 22nd, 2002, 3AM...2 days left! YEAH!
Well today was a great day after all! I emailed my angel, Marilyn, and she responded to my myriad questions (Yes, even the stupid ones!), which has given me a lot of relief. The hospital gave me my surgery time - 9:30 AM -, which is the first surgery scheduled for the day. Sara won't be right after me though I think...She was told to be there at noon??!?!?! NEWAYS...I now know when my new life officially will begin. I hope I remember to record the time I wake up in the recovery room. That’s going to be my new official rebirth time. Yeah, I know its kinda silly, but this is SUCH a special experience, and I plan to commemorate it every way I can!
My new laptop came, and I got my hubby to agree to 'let' me take it to the hospital, so I can watch DVDs instead of get bored watching Sara’s' soap opera. ;p (Phtt!) I'm also going to be able to finally catch up on my business paperwork (which I hate doing!) which I MUST do! I hate to sit idle! Speaking of which...I'm going to watch The Swan, on Monday night if I have to 'visit' a stranger to do it! LOL! Its also gonna be weird watching American Idol from my hospital bed! But I wouldn't miss either!
I also finally got my husband to understand why he should be there with me. He IS going! YEAH! Now when I get the last minute jitters, I can squeeze him and make him stay with me! He has to work Monday night, so he is going to stay until I'm in recovery, to make sure I'm okay. Then he will have to go to work. I think its a good idea he is going to work on Monday night. He will only get anxious if he hangs around the hospital, or goes home and hangs around the house. At least work will exhaust him so he will get some sleep!
Tonight we celebrated the end of our unhealthy life at The Olive Garden. It was Sara and I, and our friends, Sue and Alisa. Sue treated, Alisa toasted to our success, and we had a great time. After that we went shopping at Wal-Mart for our big undies to wear at the hospital, and more clear liquids to tide us over for the next ten days or so. I also bought these size medium, 'boy pants' underwear that are embroidered with the word 'perfect'. I can't wait 'til I can wear them! ;) Sara and I were kinda struggling not to buy smaller clothes to wear 'eventually'! I know that’s kinda silly right, but its something to look forward to later! LOL!
Well that’s all I gotta say right now. I'm going to go to bed, get a good nights sleep., and get to work tomorrow on a special project I'll tell you about in a future post. TWO MORE DAYS! WOOHOO! :) Yvonne
Sunday, May 23rd, 2004 12:10 AM
1 more day until my Rebirthday! YEAH!
I'm only a little nervous tonight. I feel more calm right now than I thought I'd be. Go figure! Maybe it will hit me tomorrow night. Or maybe, since I know I've made the right decision for me, I won't worry at all.
I have everything I need ready. I repacked my bag four times tonight, just to make sure everything is in there that I want in there. So far so good! I always overestimate what I need to bring everywhere! I usually end up with at least one bagful of stuff to keep me occupied (since I hate to be idle) on trips. This time, I'm trying to curb that impulse... I guess I will see about that tomorrow though. I was going to carry a bunch of work to do, but my Angel (Marilyn) told me that I should try to take it easier on myself in the hospital, so I took some of the work I was going to bring out of the bag.
I have been on all clear liquids today, and I don't feel like I'm struggling with it. There was a few times though, that I thought "MMM! I LOVE those" or "I won't EVER be able to have that again!" but I was able to just ignore that little devils comments. I don't feel physically deprived...yet which is funny because I've always felt that way when I've started on diets. I hope that’s because my body and brain both know that this will be a lifestyle change, and not a diet!
I spoke to Sara earlier, and she was doing the grocery shopping for the rest of our family. I wonder how difficult that will be for me. I also am wondering how difficult it will be to cook when I get out of the hospital. I'm going to post something on the message boards about that I think.
Well, My husband is home, and he wants to use the computer now. I want to read a little before bed too. Who knows? Maybe I'll get some sleep before 2 AM! WooHoo! :) 'Til later! Yvonne
Sunday, May 23, 2004 11:41
Well this is it! My hubby is dragging me away from the 'puter and telling me I have to go to bed since my surgery is early tomorrow morning. My goal though is to squeeze in one more post before I leave my house though...I hope I can sneak it in! Well, the 'warden' is calling lights out again, so until next time...C'ya! :) Yvonne
Monday, May 24, 2004 5 AM
Well this is it! I'm leaving for the hospital in a few minutes! I'm excited to begin my new life, but I'm a little scared too.
So far this journey is like being on a roller coaster! I'm strapped in and at the top of the largest drop, and I'm anxious and excited and looking forward to the rest of the ride. I chose to get on, strapped myself in, and now the ride is halfway over, but the best part is yet to come.
Funny how philosophical I am! My angel, Marilyn will be posting for me while I'm in the hospital. I'm glad that I have so many prayers, and good wishes coming to me today for this life altering day! God Bless You All!
I'm scared spitless of complications, and I don't want to dwell on them. I know that thousands of people undergo this surgery, and have excellent outcomes. I fervently hope that I become one of them! I leave it all in Gods' hands, and know that I have hedged my bets a bit by choosing a great surgeon, superior support staff, and a very capable hospital.
I pray for my sister, Sara having a successful surgery today as well. I can only hope that we get through this new thing together, and can share a wonderful new life! We will see you all on the boards, and at support groups as soon as we are able.
I Love You All! Yvonne
Thursday, May 27th, 2004 8 PM
They let me go home! Yeah, I think...! I am feeling kinda weird, maybe I'm just tired though. I had my surgery at 9:30 AM on Monday, and everything went well. I got into recovery and was hung up in there until 4 pm. I think the staff was starting to get annoyed with me, since I asked everyone who stopped by, how Sara was doing. (She was still in surgery, or waiting, but no-one seemed to want to tell me anything other than that she was 'fine'. GRR!) They brought me upstairs, and then let me know that they wouldn't put me and Sara in the same room, because they were afraid that the staff might mix us up, and give us the wrongs medicines, etc. However, they were kind enough to give me a nice non-psycho roommate (unlike poor Amy!), and they put Sara next door when she came up.
We were told to walk as soon as we were able to by the doctor, so I got up within two hours of being brought to my room, and started to wander the halls. And then I got yelled at when the nurses couldn't find me! (How hard is it to find a fat girl in a revealing hospital gown with an IV pole/heart monitor and morphine drip SLOWLY wandering down a straight hallway!?!?!) They told me not to do that again, and I said okay.(Even they knew I was gonna try to do it again as soon as Sara came up!) They actually were standing outside my door while they settled Sara in! LOL! I guess one of the nurses must've felt bad though, because she sprung me from the beeping machines and wires, so I could sneak in and see Sara for a few minutes. Then hustled me back and re-hooked everything up before the floor nurse came to check on me again. Thanks Donna!
The next day, the leak test was scheduled, which seemed to take forever to get done! Everything was great, but we'd missed the lunch trays, so we had to wait until dinner time to 'eat' anything. GRR! Talk about feeling THIRSTY!! I kept having trouble opening my mouth because I was so dry! (PS Those little spongy things are both a blessing and a curse!)
By the time 'dinner' came, I was sure I'd be able to eat it all with no problem! HA! No dice! I 'ate' about 1 ounce of water and then rushed to the bathroom to vomit. I cleaned myself up, told myself that this was normal, and went back to try something else. I decided on Broth and had just dipped my spoon in, when Dr. Tex came in and noticed that I didn't pour it into my 1 ounce little cup. He lectured me on making sure to measure my food (YUP! He was right, I know, and I was foolish for not thinking too!). I poured 1 ounce into my little cup and drank half of it in two sips! AHHHH! HEAVEN! I stopped, waited a few minutes to see if it was going to stay down, and then decided to try some juice. Apparently my brain was malfunctioning, because I forgot to dilute it, and just poured 1 ounce into another little sippy cup. I took the tiniest taste, realized immediately what I'd done, and got to the bathroom just in time to experience my first brush with dumping! NOT GOOD! Sweating, dizzy, clammy, and sick for the longest twenty minutes of my life! My roommate, came and knocked on the bathroom door (bless her heart!) and asked if I was okay, and if she should get the nurse after I stayed in there for so long. I said no, dragged myself up, weakly climbed back into bed, and took a nap.
Lucky for me, my tray wasn't removed, so I decided to try again around an hour later. By then, I was starving, and I didn't care that the food was Luke-warm at best. I had 1 whole ounce of Jello, and it all stayed down! I was so pleased, but I felt like the last bite was sitting on the back of my tongue. If I'd taken even 1 more bite, I was sure I would get sick again. NO WAY! That REALLY HURTS! So I called went for yet another walk around the corridor (I was allowed to by now!), patting my distended 'little' belly, and stopping in to say hello to Amy, Carmencita, Sara, and Emme who all were also experiencing their own speed bumps on WLS road. PS: It HURTS to laugh, so do be careful not to find anything too funny! Ask me how I know!
The next morning, the residents came to poke and prod at me (apparently I'm like some weird display at the science center to them!). This one girl informs me that every time she comes by, I am always laying in bed, and that I need to get up and walking. I was aghast! I felt like I was the grand champion of walking, and told her so! I'd done nine 'laps' around the hospital corridor when I couldn't sleep the night before! She was sure I was exaggerating, so I told her to ask any of the night nurses to confirm it. Anyway, she must've because she didn't come back until this morning.
I realized that Sara would be going home and I wouldn't get to because I wasn't eating enough. I pushed myself into high gear. Its not competitiveness, sheer fear made me afraid to be in the hospital by myself! I started trying to cram more food in, and finally was able to reach goal late last night. I AM SO PAINFULLY FULL!!! Although I'm still not getting in enough fluids, I was able to get in 4 ounces in one hour, so they decided to release me anyway.
I hope I didn't rush in foolishly though. Hopefully I will be able to get in more fluids, so I won't be struggling on my own at home. I'm kinda worried that I will have trouble, and that the hospital (being in Bronx, NY) will be too far away (me living in NJ). I guess I will see! Wish me luck! Yvonne
Friday, May 28th, 2004 1:15 AM
Okay. I'm feeling really, REALLY emotional right now! I am not upset that I had this surgery at all, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I am having some adjustment trouble I guess. I do not miss food as of yet, and I am not even feeling hungry. I do feel like maybe I pushed my pouch and myself a little too hard to get out of the hospital though. I have a stomachache: (
I was kinda forcing my liquids down so I could reach 4 oz. Now I have a bit of a stomachache, and its my own fault! I am still having a bit of trouble getting in all of my liquids, I feel SO FULL! I was able to keep down 4 oz. three times now, but so far I'm only getting in 32-34 oz. of liquid today. I never imagined this would be such a struggle!
Tonight is my first night home from the hospital, and I feel a little overwhelmed by all the changes that have occurred in the last few days! I'm still going to try and finish 8 more ounces before bed. Aisling (my nutritionist) spoke to me this afternoon about getting in more fluids, and I assured her that I would. But its HARDER than it seems!
I'm feeling WAAAY more emotional than I thought I would too! Actually I'm blubbering like a baby right now! I can't seem to stop crying, and I'm annoyed because I can't help thinking that I'm wasting all the fluid I've drunk!
So far I can't honestly say I'm hungry that's for sure! Of course, everything still smells good. I honestly don't know why I'm such a wreck. I'm not really sick, I only have a stomachache. That didn't used to be such a big deal, although now I'm worried like crazy!
Thanks to everyone again for your show of support! I hope I will see some of you at the June support meeting at Monte! By then I will have lost some weight, stopped feeling so overwhelmed, and I will look GOOD too! lol! ;) Love You All! Yvonne
Sunday, May 30th, 2004, 12 AM
Sara and I are here waiting for my husband to come home so we can leave for another short walk. Today was a great day for me! I lost 6 pounds, in 6 days! WOOHOO! YaY me!
I'm starting to feel tempted to eat some food again, which wasn't a problem at all until tonight. I am thinking about it though so far, not craving it or feeling like I'm going mad for want of it. Really, I'm just finding that its in my thoughts more often now. I don't think this is a good thing. Actually I'm kinda worried that food will get me in its grip, and I won't fight it. I'm worried that I am starting to look into the fridge and in the cabinets more often.
At least I only am thinking of mushy, high protein foods like cottage cheese, yogurt, and bean soup. Well actually I thought that the macaroni and cheese in the cupboard looked good a few minutes ago. I am afraid to watch tv because I know there will be a lot of commercials featuring food.
I can't help thinking 'Is this normal?' and 'Is it crazy for me to feel like this with respect to food?' I know that food has been my crutch, my comfort, and my curse. I know it is partly responsible for me being obese. I really need to seek therapy to learn to deal with my food habits and addiction. I need to find other ways to deal with my emotions. I am slowly trying to use exercise; walking in particular to deal with my emotional eating.
Well that all for now. I'm going for my walk now. Maybe the fresh air will help calm me down so I won't feel so odd and restless. I hope it won't make the pain in my side worse though. I'm thinking that its probably only gas pain anyway. Until tomorrow, Yvonne
Monday, May 31st, 2004 11:30AM
I was too lazy to post yesterday, but I'll prob. make up for it today! But first I wanted to wish you all a Happy Memorial Day! I also figured out that since January I've lost over 25 pounds, and I'm really proud of myself! I know that this time they will not be returning, and it makes my heart sing! YaY ME!
I was hoping to advance to my next stage (purees) today since in my pre-op class they said you usually advance to Purees a week after surgery. However; today being a holiday, my doctor and nutritionist are out of their offices and I feel I should ask them before going ahead. I only want a little more variety since I'm getting bored with the clear liquids. I will definitely wait and not advance myself though since I don't want to have any problems.
Our nutritionist had us start our protein the day after we were released from the hospital. I was pleasantly surprised that it went down easily and without a hitch, especially since its made with skim milk. I thought milk would've been harder to digest, and a bit heavy for my stomach, but apparently not! My vitamins and meds weren't a problem either (Thank God!).
One of the weird things that I've noticed is that everything seems to smell stronger! The smell of my neighbor working in his garden the other day was so overpowering that I stayed in my house! Another weird thing is that I've decided that I don't care for chocolate anymore. As a previously addicted chocoholic, I never could've believed that this would happen! The taste is strange and unpleasant now. What is really bad since my protein drink is chocolate flavored! I will definitely be buying more unflavored next time I order it!
I might have overdone it a little yesterday. My stomach and ribs feel a little sore today, so I’m going to take it easy. My pouch decided it doesn't like coffee in the morning anymore (although yesterday it did!), and I threw it up right away. So I made a little hot tea, and had jello with it for b'fast, along with my vitamins/meds. 'Pouchie' seems to like this so I'm relieved! You know how paranoid you start to feel when you throw up????? Well that was how I was feeling, especially since I'd been tolerating almost everything since coming home without a hitch until the coffee.
I am using the little lung thingy everyday four to five times a day since last Monday, but my lungs have been fine since that first little congestion scare. (THANK GOD!) I am / was an asthmatic. My asthma seems to be going away. Is that weird? I haven't used either inhaler since the morning before my surgery. However, I'm still keeping them around because I'm afraid of the 'what ifs?'. In fact that was part of one of the two nightmares I had last night! I dreamt I was in surgery and awake on the table and they were asking me if I was an asthmatic since they were afraid what they were going to do was going to cause an attack. (Whoa!) But I didn't answer fast enough so they started and I needed my inhaler and no one was listening! Scary stuff!) I've been having a lot of nightmares since the surgery I've noticed! I hope they stop soon! GAH!
Yesterday, I rode in the car to Costco, and found it wasn't so tough as I'd been fearing. In fact, I drove home! I'm glad I did that because I was worrying about how I was going to get to the Bronx for my follow up this week.
Sara and I walked 1-1/4 mile around the park, and then came home and did some light housework. We read a little in the early afternoon, and managed to get in all of our liquids! (YEAH!) I had company last night too. It was both fun, and challenging (the dumb question! OOOO!). Today my mother-in-law, and brother-in-law are coming over. I know I'm in for more incredibly stupid questions! (Did you read my response to the dumb question post on the NY board 2 days ago???) I know they are well meant though so I won't snap any heads off or anything...I hope ;-)
Well thats it for now. I'll probably post again tonight. Might need to vent before this day is through! LOL! :) Yvonne
Making your Decision to have WLS
I posted this as a response to someone’s question on the main message board on May 31, 2004. I am very proud of how far and by how much I have thought about WLS. I wanted to share the way I feel with other pre-ops, and those still searching for information. I hope this helps.
I heard from people all the time that I wasn't really 'that fat', and that all I needed to do was exercise and diet. Everyone remarked how well I hide my weight, etc. I have heard it from everyone from my husband to my PCP. I never told anyone before how much I weighed. I never felt that I was really overeating that much, but the pounds kept rising. I tried tons of diets, joined a gym (they robbed me!), and wasted tens of thousands of dollars on every diet, and weight loss gimmick out there. Nothing worked. I was getting more and more unhealthy, fatter and fatter, and most of the time had no energy. I was depressed, and fed the pain my obesity caused with more food.
Finally I knew I had to do something about it, and started to look into wls. I was so scared at first! They were going to do what to what and put what where? I'd only be able to eat what and I'd be full? What were the complications? I could die?
I had to weigh the risks of the surgery versus the risk of staying obese, and becoming sicker and sicker as I grew more obese. It was no contest, and I made my decision. I went in for my surgery a week ago today.
Does it hurt? Yes. Was I scared? Hell yeah! Am I still nervous about what could happen? Yes. Am I frustrated by being on a more restrictive diet? Yes. Do I miss eating all the unhealthy junk I used to eat? Yes. But Am I sorry I decided to have wls? NO.
Everyone has to make his or her own decision on this. It is not up to your friends and family to decide how you must live out your life. They must learn to support your decision, whether they agree or not. They do not live your life. I do not live your life. Only you do, and so you must (to paraphrase Al Roker) search your own heart and make your decision.
No one says it is easy to come to this conclusion. And for those who say that wls is the easy way out, they are full of bunk! It is extremely difficult to make this life-altering decision, and then live with it.
Was it selfish of me to want to live a healthier life? No. I want to be able to be around for everyone around me for as long as possible. I want to be here for my husband, my family and for my children someday. Don't they want me to live long and live well too? Of course they do. I don't think of this as selfish, or self-less, for me its simply necessary.
I was and still am proud of myself for taking control of my own destiny. I used to be a little disappointed that I couldn't lose weight the 'old fashioned way' like some people can. But the difference is that I DID do what I COULD do.
Now I am able to admit to anyone who wants to know how much I weighed at the beginning of my journey. I weighed 240 pounds, at 5'5. I suffered from asthma, infertility, reflux, joint pain, Degenerative Disk Disease (which is exacerbated by my excess weight), had difficulty sleeping, and dreaded many family, and social situations.
I am 25 pounds lighter than when I started, and it is gone permanently! This is more than what any other diet and exercise program, pill, or gizmo could ever do. I am looking forward to meeting friends, and meeting new people. I can't wait to go out and celebrate my new life everyday!
I am still an early pre-op. I have only just begun to lose a little weight, and have quite a ways to go still. But I wake up every morning excited and more energized. I vigorously await to see what each day holds! I have not used my asthma meds or my reflux meds since the morning of my surgery. I am already getting healthier! I look forward to enjoying my life. I feel that my life has so many more possibilities, and options. I cannot wait to explore them all!
It is NORMAL to feel anxious with trying to decide what to do, if anything at all. WLS is not for everyone. It is a personal and emotional decision to make. Proper planning and preparation makes this and any transition easier.
Good Luck! Yvonne
PS: Sorry if I come off as preachy!
6/1/01 11:55 PM
Sara and I spent most of the day running around. Wow were we glad to be done with everything tonight! I can barely wait to go to bed, so below is part of the post I made to my buddies on the NY messageboard about my day.
FUNNY REPOST!
I'm wondering...? I've been in such a great mood lately...
Do you think the doctors slipped me some Sugar free happy juice while I was in surgery? ...or am I just crazy? LOL!
I'm also not hungry, I don't really crave any 'bad foods' and I don't like chocolate flavored anything anymore ...I was thinking' that maybe they did one of the following while I was under anesthesia:
1.) Inserted a chip in my brain to zap me if I think of eating any bad foods.
2.) Used hypnosis or magic to cure my chocoholism?
3.) Re-wired me to have more energy, and want to exercise more?
Maybe they used one, or two...maybe even all three? Any ideas ?
We visited a new store in New City, NY that exclusively sells low Carb/low sugar food. We were curious to find some different protein powders, etc. to add a little more variety to what we have to drink. They had an interesting selection, and we bought a few new things to try. We will post tomorrow, and let you know how what the stuff we bought tastes like. Of course, I made the mistake of buying something I'd mistaken for a high protein drink, which was not! . Instead it was the worlds sweetest, and most expensive faux crystal light! I guess that'll teach me to pay better attention!
We had a 2:30 PM appt. for our first post-op visit. We were fervently hoping that we would get to advance to the pureed stage. After waiting until 4:20PM to be called , we spoke to AJ (Dr. Teixeiras SUPERB nurse!) and she was so nice and happy with our progress. So far Sara is down 13 #s, and I am down 12 #s ! WOOHOO! Then we spoke to Dr. Gibbs (who seemed in a great mood!) and she said that Sara could advance to the pureed diet.
However Dr. Gibbs seemed to have some reservations about me starting the next stage. , Since she was concerned that I have only been hitting the minimum amount for fluid/food intake. I have a lot of trouble trying to increase my daily fluids past 50 ounces, and struggle every time with my last ounce of the protein shakes. I said I understood, but suggested that maybe I could start on yogurt once a day, and continue with my clear liquids the rest of the time.
She finally decided I could begin VERY SLOWLY with one completely smooth thing a day, for a week and if that worked out well, then I could move onto the regular Puree diet. She wants to make sure I heal more so I don't or have complications
I'm glad that she doesn't want to advance me too quickly! I am a little that I will have a problem and , or worse ! I wanted to have a little more flexibility in my daily foods though, but this should help for now!
We also spoke to our nutritionist and she was pleased with our progress as well. We explained about our boredom with regards to the protein drinks, and she ok'd us to try all of the other ones we bought . She also said it was fine for me to use the ROCAMOJO I bought, and I can't wait to try it tomorrow! The only confusion we have yet to clear up...How much Iron are we supposed to be taking? We're going to have to ask again when we have it with us. I think she wasn't able to give us a definitive answer because she isn't familiar with the products we are taking.
Tonight Sara had a couple bites of scrambled egg, and some Wendys' Chili. She LOVED it! No problems with her new diet so far! I had two ounces of light and lively cottage cheese for dinner. I'm not uncomfortably full, but have felt satisfied for over five hours now! I think I can safely say I'm gonna be okay too. I do not yet feel any urge to eat more, or cheat. I'm happy with what the doctor has decided!
June 2, 2004
Today I was kinda tired, and I took two naps. I think its because I didn't get enough protein and fluids in yesterday. I am trying to do better with that today. I was wondering if having my period is wreaking havoc with the amount of Iron I need. I've heard that Iron is depleted faster when women are menstruating, but its probably worse for WLS patients.
Sorry if that’s a bit graphic for you guys who are reading this! I gotta help my girls though ya know? They might like to know what’s going on, so that if they experience the same thing, they know they aren't alone.
Anyway...
I tried the RocoMojo today and I'm not certain of what I'm going to do. Its kinda bitter, and burnt tasting, and really is similar to the Chicory Coffee I had down south. I could drink a little everyday, but I could never REPLACE my protein supplements with it! I tried though; o)
GAH! I wish they'd come up with protein pills! That would make it SO much easier! I'm bored with the protein shakes, and have started to test out alternatives. I still like the UNJURY the best. I'm sick to death of the chocolate flavor (go figure! I guess I'm a recovering chocoholic who no longer likes chocolate!) The unflavored unjury is better to experiment with flavors, etc. I made orange creamsickle yesterday and piña colada tonight. (This one was the best one yet! YUM!) I tried a new powder I bought yesterday, but it made me wanna PUKE! It was apple cinnamon flavored, and it tastes nasty in skim milk! Maybe I can use it some other way???
I ate yogurt for the first time post-op and I loved it. The good news is of course that 'pouchie' likes it too! LOL! I can't wait to try something else new. So far so good!
The past couple of days I keep getting these weird spikes of energy, and I just start running around and doing things. Then I feel exhausted and need a nap. I hope this levels out more soon! I feel like the energizer bunny on speed, and then my batteries run out! LOL! Must not be good batteries. Maybe the doctor can put in a new set? Only kidding...sort of!
I gotta move onto other stuff now, so I'll write more tomorrow! Take Care! :) Yvonne
Thursday, June 3rd, 2004 11:30 PM
Well I've had a particularly difficult day! I felt aggravated and irritable for no good reason. Well...maybe there were a few reasons...
My husband took the day off of work to 'entertain me with his presence'. I must sound like such a schrew after how good he has been through all of this. He is making me nuts though. People always say to choose your arguments, but sometimes we have these really stupid little disagreements and they just get worse and worse.
He wanted to see if I could manage the laundry and the shopping again that I do every week for his mother, and ourselves. I told him I thought it was too soon to be lifting and reaching, but he assured me that I wouldn't have to do anything except go with him. (HA! If you know me you also know I cannot sit and watch someone work without lifting a finger!) Anyway, we got to the Laundromat, and true to his word, he put everything into thee washers, and the dryers after that. But then it was time to FOLD! He was insistent that I should be able to "at least try to help" by folding. I did fold a lot of the clothes, but explained that he needed to put the clothes closer so I wouldn't have to reach for it. He just rolled his eyes at me as if I'd asked too much. Then he proceeded to do his usual half-assed job at folding, and just stacked everything wily nilly in the laundry bag. He said, "Well, Since I did everything else, you get to put it all away." I told him my stomach was aching and that I was hurting. He had the nerve to say I shouldn't strain so much then! GAH!I was so sick of his crappy attitude that I went into the bathroom and cried and cried.
Of course it did not improve in the car as he kept making the wrong turns, perhaps forgetting where we were going next. We ended up backtracking twice and just barely made it to the bank in time to make a deposit. This left both of us in an even worse mood.
This was all before going to do the grocery shopping. He got aggravated because his mother screwed up several things related to the shopping, and he was annoyed with how much 'extra' we had to spend to buy 'my stuff'. Before my WLS he never cared how much we spent on groceries! He decided to add a $5.00 package of Sushi to the grocery order, which was always my favorite lunch (but I can't have anymore :(!) and then complained about the price of my CIB! GRR! I paid and we left.
In the car, he starting talking, and he brought up TV. I figured that this was a safe topic. I'm thinking this is mundane, and nothing to argue about right? WRONG!
He wanted to know what I was going to watch now that most of my shows have ended for the season. I told him, I wasn't going to worry about what’s on TV, since I haven't watched TV since leaving the hospital. He wanted to know why, and I told him I was trying to ignore all of the tempting food commercials. He said that I was "ridiculous" and that "TV commercials about food shouldn't make me feel tempted." Maybe he is right, but they do, so that is why I don't want to watch. He kept at it though. He said "normal people aren't bothered by the commercials, its not like people run out and buy something because they see it on TV." I told him he was wrong, since that is what commercials are designed to do. Its advertising. That’s how people know when Burger King has a new product on their menu. It helps people to decide to try it. That’s also why its picture is featured on the menu board at the restaurant." He says I'm "crazy" and that they "don't do that". Needless to say, he HAD to stop on the way home to pick up two Whoppers for himself on the way home. No comment about the pictures though.
He reminded me that I should take my car for an oil change, in fact he was insistent that I get up tomorrow at 6AM to do it!
I don't know if he is feeling like he is doing everything and I'm just sitting around doing nothing or what? All I do know is that I'm so frustrated that I've spent most of the day in tears! I wish I could do more, and things could go back to normal (Well 'normal' with me still having had me surgery though!)
I don't have enough energy, I'm tired, and I'm in pain. I think I pulled something in the grocery store, and I'm mad at myself! I know what my limits are, and shouldn't have tried to push past them for anything. I'm also mad at my pushy husband! I'm trying hard to not want to smother my DH in his sleep with a pillow!
I didn't get in my fluids and protein for the past three days. I'm trying but its so damn hard sometimes! All I wanna do is go to sleep, except if I sleep it throws off my schedule, and then I can't manage to get everything in. The protein all tastes like crap, and I'm at wits end for what to do. I'm just so overwhelmed!
I'd better just get off here, and go to bed. You must be sick of my ranting anyway! I'll be in a better mood tomorrow ...I hope! Yvonne
Sunday, June 6th, 2004 10:36 PM
Its been a really long day for me today! I've been REALLY tired for the past few days, but tonight it was all I could do to function! My stomach has been bugging me a little too. I'm sure my vitamin levels must be out of whack or something. I'd better have the doctor take a look at some blood work soon. I might go to my PCP this week and just have him run some tests. My exhaustion is making it VERY difficult for me to get in my protein and fluids. I have been really doing well with all of my vitamins though. So far I haven't "forgotten" one! I hope I won't need to get any B-12 shots though, 'cuz I've heard that they hurt and I'm a baby!
This morning I woke up at 5AM to take my iron and went back to bed. I woke up at 8AM again to take my vitamins/meds with a protein shake. I feel like this is the only way I can get in all of my fluids, protein, and vitamins/meds without losing some of the sleep I seem to need so desperately. I have resorted to taking 'timed' naps in between getting in my fluids, and getting in my meals. Today I needed two!
Sara, and Sue woke me up again around 9AM to catch a matinee movie. I dragged myself up and got ready to go. We went to my local diner so Sue could have b'fast, and Sara and I had a cup of Hot Decaf.Tea (which neither of us could ever manage to finish!). It was very tempting to see all the people and what they were eating, but I tried not to focus on that. It wasn't that difficult because my brain was preoccupied with worrying about how hard it was going to be in the movie theatre to smell the popcorn, but not be able to have any. I really think its so weird that before my wls, I didn't always have popcorn, but now that I can't, I REALLY want it! Curious huh? We saw 'Mean Girls', and I thoroughly enjoyed it! In fact once the movie started, I didn't care about food at all. In fact, I didn't even have 1 sip of the Propel that I snuck in either! (BAD ME!)
After the movie, we stopped off at a grocery store because I wanted to buy some more of the Hood Carb Countdown Yogurt smoothies so I could boost them with my protein and get in more. Unfortunately the little devil in my head wanted pretzels, and I walked all around the store hugging a bag. Finally, I put them down because 1.) I knew I wasn't supposed to have them, and 2.) If they were in the house, I might not be able to control myself. I'm proud of myself for fighting the urge to cheat by whatever means I need to. It tough to stay strong though! It’s REALLY HARD!
I enjoyed a single saltine cracker, but after chewing it, I made myself spit it out since its not on my puree diet. I think I've just been craving something that I could crunch on, as well as something Salty. The urge seems to be completely gone though Thank God! I also listened to something my Angel, Marilyn told me and I chewed a piece of gum. It did not cause me any gas, and it was sooooo good!!! I never thought I'd be rhapsodizing about a piece of S/F gum, but there you have it!
I really missed getting to meet Marilyn yesterday, but that’s the way it goes sometimes. Things have a habit of cropping up on you and then it screws up your plans. Too bad, but at least there will be a next time .
My two Angelettes, Bev and Jackie are doing well in the hospital. We visited them and brought them flowers, and a balloon and a little 'goody bag' of things they might be able to use now that they are post-ops.
Jackie may have even gone home today, but I tried her phone five times and it was busy, so I will have to try and find out tomorrow. She was getting in at least 3 oz. an hour. She was understandably scared though to go home, since there isn't anyone but her hubby to take care of her there.
Bev will be in at least a few more days because she is having some issues with her oxygen, and sugar levels, and some other odd stuff. I hope that everyone will continue to send her their love and support! I will call her tomorrow and see how she is feeling too.
Well that’s all for now. My DH wants to use the 'puter and I'm bushed! Besides with my sore tummy, I want to go lay down. Talk some more tomorrow! :) Yvonne
Monday, June 7th, 2004
Spoke to my wonderful angel, Marilyn! She always makes me feel so much better about whats going on in my new life. She doesn't 'look' at me like I'm crazy like my husband does, which is a nice change! LOL! I can't wait to meet her on the 22nd!
The bad news is that I'm really feeling tired and have NO ENERGY today. I also have this nagging stomachache still. It hurts right in the middle of my torso, below my ribs. Not sure if it due to not having a BM in a few days, or something else. I might be paranoid, but I phoned my doctor and made an appt. tomorrow at ten to see what the heck is going on. Hopefully they will be able to tell me that its nothing much and I will feel better.
Tuesday, June 8th, 2004 11:24 PM
I was sleeping and just woke up long enough to do this post. I'm EXHAUSTED today! I woke up really dizzy and fell twice trying to turn off my alarm clock (it's across the room, long story...). Really Scary, but the doctor said that I'm dizzy, weak from 'lack of nutrition'. I can't help wondering how she knows exactly what my nutrition deficiencies are exactly without any tests...but I digress.
I went to my surgeons office in the Bronx toady because I have a BAD stomachache! I thought it was because I haven't had any good BMs in the last five days, except now that I've gone, I still feel bad! :-(
My hubby doesn't think I should go to a different doctor, and feels I should just return to my surgeons office again if I still don't feel well. But I'm the one feeling crappy so, I'm going to go to my PCP and ask him to run a few blood tests, etc. if I don't feel better soon! My PCP is a Gastroenterologist so I'm betting he will want to do another endoscopy though :-( They aren't bad (he puts you to sleep)but I hate the 'anesthesia effects'!
The 'other' bad news is that I seem to be heavier than yesterday! Yesterday I weighed 203, and today I weigh 208! GRR! I'm REALLY much more upset than anyone knows. AJ, the Nurse in Teixeiras' office said I have to stop weighing myself at home altogether. She said to only come in the office for my 'official weigh ins' and not to beat myself up by doing it at home too. My older sister, Barbara was with me for moral support today. She suggested that maybe after I finally have a BM, I'll be 5 pounds lighter again. Thanks for the laugh Barb!
The good news is that I spoke to Dr. Teixeira today and he told me that my too wonderful Angelettes have both been released and are home recovering from their successful WLS's! YaY! I am so proud of them and can't wait to hear from each of them soon. I'm planning to call them both at home, since I couldn't reach them on Sunday or Monday in their hospital rooms.
I wish I had more energy. I really want to be able to exercise as much as they will allow me to. This invasive exhaustion is a pain in the ___! Its keeping me from doing all the other things I want to do too! GRR!
Well, that’s all I have time for tonight. My eyes are starting to drift shut and I'd better get back to bed! I took three naps today, but they haven't stopped me from wanting to sleep some more! Go Figure! Yvonne
PS: Hey Sara, I'm 'thirsting' to death today too. Must be the heat! 90 degrees! Phew!
Wednesday, June 9th, 2004, 11:50 PM
Today is much like yesterday. I'm worn out, and still have a stomachache. I feel miserable and cranky since the Milk of Magnesia did its job and my stomach still hurts! It seems to hurt worse when I eat or drink. I hope its nothing, but I probably should call my PCP tomorrow and ask him what he thinks. I'm so tired, and between that and the stomachache I feel at wits end. I hope that tomorrow will be better. I hate being in such a blah mood. I want to be able to go for a walk, but its been so hot and I'm just so low on energy that I'm worried I won't make it home!
I went out and did stuff with my DH today. We went to the Laundromat, bought him his B-Day gift (tomorrow is his B-day) and went out to have Chinese food for lunch. He ordered the lunch special and I took a few sips of his wonton soup broth and was full. I didn't much feel like 'eating' anything today, all I wanted to do was drink! I felt SO dry all day, and wanted to drink massive amounts of water (but couldn't!) I definitely went over my 'quota' of fluids today! LOL!
I managed to fold four loads of laundry, but it took so long to do that I was mostly frustrated by the task. Normally I find folding clothes relaxing, but not today. I couldn't make my bed at all though. :-( The stretching and reaching required seemed to aggravate my incisions and they were kinda sore today for some reason. I guess I gotta try and avoid doing these two chores for awhile. Just don't say anything if you see me walking around in VERY wrinkly clothes though okay?!?!
I spoke to Amy P, who is back in the hospital again. I feel so bad for her, multiple hospitalizations, three kids, and no help! I hope they find out for once and for all what is wrong with her and fix it! I hope she finds her way soon and is able to start to enjoy the fruits of all of her labor!
Hopefully I will be able to drop by Montefiore to visit Amy this weekend. I'll have to see, since I don't have the money to keep going to the Bronx from New Jersey all the time. (Parking and tolls usually cost me around $18.00 and I've been down there twice this week! And with gas being over $2.00 a gallon...OUCH!)
I spoke to my angelette, Jackie today and she sounded great, upbeat and healthy. I can't wait to see her and everyone at the Group meeting on June 22nd! I also am looking forward to the NY/OH Event on the 26th! WOOHOO! I just hope my energy level will be back up so I will be able to enjoy myself by then! I haven't spoken to Bev yet, but I'm going to try and call her again tomorrow. I hope she’s doing great! :)
I tried my new protein drink tonight, and its not too bad. Its made by SYNTRAX, and its called Carribean Punch. It's one of their NECTARS flavors. I think I might be able to actually drink this stuff and keep it down. Next time though I think I'll try a different flavor. Maybe the 'Roadside Lemonade'? It has a good amount of protein in it and is NOT milk based so its thinner and MUCH more palatable than some of the others I've tried. I'll have to give Sara some of this stuff to try. Maybe she will like it too.
That's all for now. I just finished my last protein and I'm gonna turn in. I hate that I will have to get up around 5 AM to take my iron, but its the only way I can get everything in. What else can I do? Until tomorrow...Yvonne
Thursday, June 10th, 2004, 11:28 PM
I haven't felt well today. I have had a problem with my stomach all day. It STILL is hurting me! I've been vomiting up everything I eat or drink, and have been doing that since dinnertime last night. I have to call the doctor tomorrow and see what they advise. Today I wasn't able to manage anything. No vitamins/meds, or protein stayed down at all. I keep on trying because I feel thirsty and hungry still, but nothing is making 'Pouchie' happy. I don't wanna go into the hospital again. Sara came over tonight with Sue G. and they both think I should get to the Dr. ASAP. I know it, but am sure that it will leave me back at Monte, getting poked and prodded. I'm too tired and dizzy to think too much about this now. More tomorrow I guess. Yvonne
Wednesday, June 16th, 2004 2:30 AM
I'm adding to my profile from my hospital room at Monte. I'm so tired and dizzy, not to mention being sick to death of getting poked. My veins keep crapping out, so I keep needing to get stabbed at repeatedly. I have 5 IVs running right now into two sites, and boy does it hurt! Actually another one just crapped out so they are going to have to try and get me again. I keep having problems getting viable veins and have become a nightmare to all the nurses who have to keep trying to open a new line for fluids. I'm still extremely dehydrated. Right now I hear the nurses and the doctor arguing over who has to try and get a viable vein on me this time. Great thought that no one wants to even have to try since my veins are hard to find because of severe bruising.
I'm still throwing up too often and the anti nausea meds are all garbage! There was a problem getting me my Menieres meds because the hospital pharmacy only carries the tablets (which I just puke right back up). They called around to ask several doctors to see what they could do, and decided to put me on Valium. However, Valium doesn't do much for me, and they only give it to me once a day. So basically I feel like a crabby, puking, black and blue witch who is bedridden with dizziness. Nice picture huh?
I had another endoscopy done today, so they could look to find my stricture and dilate it. It wasn't as bad as I feared. They did put me to sleep after I explained that I get anxiety/panic attacks, and I was already petrified. I won't get any results until tomorrow on that I guess.
I wanna go home so bad, but they can't send me home unless I can eat on my own, without vomiting. They haven't let me try to eat anything yet, but I'm hoping they might tomorrow. They were concerned that since today I was throwing up saliva.
Amy is doing better. She is drinking a tiny bit of water, and other liquids and is keeping it down. She is only at 1/2 ounce to 1 oz. so far, but progress is progress. I wish I could be advancing even a little now!
Even with all of this crap going on, I'm not sorry I had the surgery. Even with getting poked until I'm one big bruise. Even though I've gained 13 pounds of water weight through my IVs. (Those pounds supposedly fall off right away once you start eating again.) That’s all for now. You’re cranky friend, Yvonne
Saturday, June 18th, 2004 12:46 AM
Really depressed, and feeling worse than I can express. my emotions are shot and im trying hard to put on a happy face everyday. I hate to bring everyone down but hell if i cant tell my journal and cant afford a shrink where else can i dump this emotional bs?
I know my typing sux but i have two ivs in my other arm and its immobilized so the veins dont collapse like the last 37 have. I don't wanna go over all the bs about how I’m doing physically so im gonna do a partial repost instead.
Amy is not doing as well as yesterday. I am trying to keep her spirits up, but its really difficult, especially since I'm here in the hospital with my own issues.
I have had 37 iv lines fail so far and another is failing as i'm typing this post. The doctors say that because I am so dehydrated, my veins are collapsing more rapidly. I have two Iv lines piggybacked, for a total of seven bags of fluids/nutrition/meds, but I'm still vomiting. They tried me on liquids for a day and a half but I threw up until I was lightheaded. They found two strictures so far and dilated both of them (thanks God that didn't hurt..I'm a baby!) However I'm still throwing up even the half ounce of water that I use to swallow a pill.
Tonight I went for more tests including an x-ray, and the radiologist told me that there is still contrast from three days ago in my colon, and there is some 'stuff' in my pouch. I don’t know what the 'stuff' is since i've been on all liquids and even if i didn't puke it all up, then it should have gone down.
Tomorrow Amy and I are scheduled for even more tests. I am so sick and tired and depressed about this. I don't know what to think or do. Sorry that my news has been such a downer, but I figured that at least I would try and keep up with writing in my profile/journal. Yvonne
June 30, 2004 MY ANNIVERSARY!
I am here writing in my profile today instead of curled up in my hubbys arms, because I'm scared to death! I swallowed my gum by accident earlier, and was paranoid until my Angel, MARILYN called me to reassure me that it probably went down if I'm not feeling in any pain from it.
I've been having a lot of trouble again today with keeping my liquids down. Pouchie is again starting to reject almost everything, and I'm SO scared that she will get me back at Monte (Montefiore Medical Center)for them to poke and prod me some more. Paranoid? Yeah Maybe, but so would you be if if you spent almost seventeen days in the hospital earlier this month! I've only been outta Monte for three days now, but I KNOW I don't ever wanna go back!
At Monte, they had to stick me 73 times trying to get IV lines that worked! Most of them failed pretty quickly, but two of the last three they left in for awhile because "they didn't wanna tamper with IV's that were finally working". So these idiots left them in for six days and they got really infected! I also had an infection around my fifth day there from an IV that had infiltrated, which they insisted was fine. When they finally pulled that IV out (and realized I was right)I had to be put on IV antibiotics for the rest of my stay. The infected spots on my arms look like they are never gonna heal, really red and yucky! I also look like a heroin junkie with all the bruises and swollen veins in my arms. Can't wait for them to look better so I can go sleeveless in this HEAT!
I hope tommorrow pouchie will behave herself and get with the program! I didn't keep ANY protein or meds down today at all! Today I've managed a total of around 150 Calories, so its no wonder I feel exhausted!
Still haven't had a BM in 4 or 5 days. I'm SO scared that that means there is something wrong in my bowels again! I NEVER wanna have to have surgery again, ESP. for Adhesions! (That REALLY HURT!)I tried the MOM trick again, but thats not doing anything since Pouchie barfed it right back up again. Maybe the dreaded enema will help...I'll ask my doctor when I call him in the morning. Not really sure why I am SO obsessed with my BMs now. I'm like some manic 3 year old, between my concern over BMs and the things I like today but won't like tommorrow! GAH!
Hope this part passes quickly, so I can start enjoying this new part of my life again. I'm amazingly depressed right now, considering I've spent several hours chatting with folks on the message boards, and offering them jokes and a smile.
Its gonna take me alot of therapy before I ever find out though why I smile harder when I'm sad. Hopefully after all of this, my insurance will PAY for all the therapy I'm guessing I will need. Even in my Psych Evaluation, the shrink said I would definitely benefit from regular therapy post-op. Hmmm...Go figure!
Gotta go immerse myself in some other world (Read a book or watch a DVD). I don't wanna have to consider mine anymore tonight. Tommorrow it will just simply start all over again anyways...Getting in my protein, my meds, my fluids, etc. Gosh I'm SO sick of trying to 'eat'! I wish there was some other easier way to just get this all done with fast so I could do other things. Maybe its because I'm back on all fluids again, but I don't think so. I think I'm just bored with the rsame old routine. I've got to snap out of this funk! I'm NOT like this! Take Care! Pray for me to straighten out my act huh?!?! Yvonne
Saturday, July 3rd, 2004 11:15 PM
Today was a nice day out, too hot for me to stay outside though. I got cold sweats and dizzy and was sure I was going to faint after going out there for less than twenty minutes! It was such a horrid feeling that I stayed indoors all day until it got dark out.
Tonight I went out and jabbered with the neighbors for a little while. They thought I was drinking a Pina Colada, but it was my protein drink. Today I managed to keep two of them down, but nothing else. I'm trying to get in some broccoli cheese soup, but its already gagging me and I'm pretty sure its going to come up. Cross your fingers that it'll stay down?
Now I am really feeling faint and weak. I had to hang up on my brother to find a chair before I fell before too. I am so upset! I'm trying so hard to do what I'm suppossed to do but I'm not doing well enough.
My DH thinks I belong back in the hospital, but I hate that place! I'm petrified about tommorrows family bbq. I'm not sure I can make it through an entire day without throwing up in front of everyone, crying, and/or having to lay down. I'm embarrassed that I will be a problem while I am there, esp. since I am weak and badly dehydrated (again!).
What am I going to do about all this? Todays calorie count is only 186 right now (w/o the soup). I hope I can get it to at least 370 before bed by keeping this soup down and getting in one more protein shake. My fluids are at around 12 ounces...there is no way I'll make it to 48 tonight. Hopefully I can make it to 20 with the soup and shake.
DH is insisting that I go to bed soon. I AM tired, but I'm sleeping like crap and my sleep gets interupted alot by pain or feeling nauseous. Right now I feel the soup
It came back up. I'm feeling so annoyed with pouchie! WTF does she want? I hope this is not another f'king stricture! Right now I don't wanna post anything else. I'm too tired and upset. MOre later. Yvonne
Sunday, July 4th, 2004,11:50
Today is more like yesterday, except I only puked twice (yay. small victory.) but I'm more confused and tired. I took two naps today, & they didn't leave me feeling any better. Having a new pain in my left shoulder today, probably from sleeping on it.
My incisions are ITCHING like crazy! The big one with the stitches looks pretty good. Its healing and doesn't look angry and red or anything, so thats good! I'm getting sharp pains in my upper bowel area every so often, but its probably only gas.
I joined Fitday so I can try and keep a more accurate calorie count. Todays total calorie count is 280 including the soup I'm finishing now. I got in 24 ounces of fluid, which is not enough, but better than yesterday! I did manage to keep down all of my vitamins (including iron!)and meds as well as my protein today. I hope pouchie continues to improve and lets me get in more tommorrow. We will have to see.
I felt bad about not going to my family BBQ, esp. since I know that my sister really worked hard at pulling it all together. I just wasn't up to it physically, and I feel really messed up emotionally. No sense going and ruining everyone elses time.
I don't dare mention to my DH that I was really struggling with dizziness today. He wants me back in the hospital as it is, and I'm not sure I will be able to stand even one more night in that place. God help me if I get put back in there!
I intend on being honest about this entire experience and NEVER stray from the tough stuff no matter what. My profile updates help me, and hopefully help others as well. I'm sure you have figured out that I use this profile update as my own therapeutic journal of my whole WLS experience.
I am trying to keep as busy as possible today so I don't think about everything that is bothering me. I finished two more books, and started two more (one audiobook, and one paperback). I also finished two more embroidered purses, and contunued my work on some towels. I returned a frantic phone call from a friend and spoke for two hours, and I tried to get in touch with another friend but she wasn't able to talk. I also made lunch for DH (without freaking out on him!) and made a small crock pot of chicken soup for dinner. I didn't eat any of it, but my hubby said it was 'really good', which is a BIG compliment considering that he is a cook! I also washed the few dishes that were in the sink and tidied the kitchen a little. All in all I should really be proud of all I accomplished today. However, because of the way I've been feeling, I feel frustrated and disappointed instead.
My spirits are so low, all I've done most of the day is cry. I hate feeling so miserable and worthless. I think I'm starting to get depressed which I'm going to have to admit to Dr. Tex when I see him this week. I can't just ignore this too.
I just don't know how I'm going to afford the therapy that I obviously need. My insurance plan doesn't cover Psych visits except for drug and alcohol addictions. Go figure! You have to actually be an addict to get help! What about my Food Addiction...will they treat that? Darn! Here I am whining and crying again! I hate feeling this way!
I'll post tommorrow. God please let it be a better day! I'm so tired. Yvonne
Monday, July 5th, 2004, 10:30 PM
Today I woke up and felt like my sleep actually counted! I've been having trouble with insomnia since before I was in the hospital, but the five hours of sleep I got last night felt VERY restful for once! I got up and took my iron pill and sat in my favorite chair for an hour, hoping that I could fool pouchie into keeping the iron down. IT WORKED!
I made myself a protein shake and started back to my chair to see if I could do it again, but it didn't work, I puked it up within a few minutes of finishing it (even though I took over two hours to drink it! GRR!). I threw up so much, I'm pretty sure none of it got down, in fact a little of the snapple I used to wash down the iron came up too. I'm gonna have to tell the doctor that I think I might have another stricture. (Excuse my bad language but...PHUCK!)
I made myself another protein drink and sat down to work on it about a half hour later again after that. Pouchie was hopping mad and tried a few times to barf, but after over four hours she stopped that painful pre-pukey feeling and I got up to take my vitamins/meds. Those stayed down too! WOOHOO! I wanted to dance but didn't wanna upset pouchie!
I got some snapple down today too as well as another protein drink tonight! YEAH! The only problem besides throwing up is that the protein takes so long to leave my pouch! I feel so damn sick the whole time too! And if I try to drink before pouchie stops that pre-pukey feeling, I throw up too..EVERY TIME! :-( How in heck can I get in all of my darned liquids? At least I got in 240 calories today, and all my vitamins and meds stayed down. I'm still at only 24 ounces of fluid though, and I'm worried about what all this puking is doing to my already bad teeth!
Now I feel REALLY thirsty, and believe it or not all I want is really cold water. Whatever pouchie wants...pouchie gets...! I still am chomping on ice every now and then to try and get in more fluids. For whatever reason, pouchie has allowed this tonight. The other night ice made me puke until my ribs hurt! I was afraid I'd hurt my insides since pouchie was empty but she kept heaving!
I hate that I feel so weak and unable to do anything. I had to go and mail out some bills (some were overdue since I'd been in the hospital whenb the arrived!)today but it took me almost two hours to get my butt in gear and go to do it. I somehow thought that the post office and the library would be open, but alas, neither was. I just came back home and sat back in my chair with some snapple.
(Oops! Pouchie says thats enough ice. Gotta stop with the ice NOW.)
Then I got a call from my buddy, Dee who is truly a wonderful person! She said she could hear in my voice that I was down in the dumps and said she would be over with the cure. Now I had no idea that she was actually right about fixing my sour mood, so I was thinking she was crazy! I guess she showed me huh!
She 'dragged' my butt to Walmart for some retail therapy! I have to admit, I felt much better emotionally (physically I had to keep sitting down and leaning on shelves and racks though!). I am so excited to say that I now fit into MUCH smaller sizes! That'll improve anyones mood!
I spent too much, but wouldn't give up ONE thing I bought! I bought my self a flirty lightweight skirt in a size 16! Yeah, thats right...a 16! I also bought myself two new bras, since my boob-roll-ups now fit into a D cup...however; they fit into a 34-D! WOOHOO! I also got myself several tank tops including one that was a 'large'! It was so much fun, but of course my weakness and pouchies general obnoxiousness cut the trip short.
Pouchie was sending me sharp, shooting pains to let me know she meant business. After the first one, I told Dee we had to leave. Dee wanted me to dump my finds and go, but I was NOT letting go of my glee in discovering new smaller clothes that fit me!
I was sweating and pale and must've looked awful because the cashier asked me if I was alright. I told her I was fine, but I took one of my medic alert cards out of my purse and put it into my pocket while I was in the dressing room I was so scared! I was so happy when Dee dropped me off at home so I could rest.
It wasn't dehydration, I'd been sipping my snapple the entire time! I have to check with the doc about this tommorrow too. In fact, I'm making a short list of questions to ask him tommorrow before I go to bed tonight. I threw up three times today. It sux.
My scale (yeah I know...I shouldn't be getting on the scale!) today gave me a good jolt of happiness too! I got off and on again just to be sure it was the same. I'm now at 190 pounds. I hope I'm the same tommorrow at the doctors office...
Well, I guess thats all for today. My DH is home and he wants to use the computer. Besides, I should try and get some sleep once I write my list. I have a feeling tommorrow is gonna be a LONG day! I'll post again (hopefully) after I get home! C'ya then! Yvonne
Tuesday, July 6th, 2004 11:50 pm
I went to the Dr., he re-admitted me to Monte,said they shouldn't have released me from the hospital last week. nurses and aides have been dropping by all day to say hello and offer hugs. I appreciate everyones kindness.
I'm trying to hang in here but its hard. i hate this place. pouchie hurts. they gave me 4 mg morphine with another 30 mg of toradol. it doesn't help much, so they're looking for another iv pain med. they are gonna drug me soon so i can sleep.
puked nine times today. i guess i can't pretend that nothing is wrong now. its probably another stricture. i hope thats all it is. also found out that i still need my other asthma inhaler. two ivs after three tries per arm. my veins are back to their old tricks. five bags of fluids running at 375 to try and hydrate me faster.
tonight i have a nice nurse named mary. she has checked on me every hour. my original day nurse, nanette had to leave early due to a death in her family. i feel so bad for her. she was barely keeping it together.
thanks for all your support on the message boards. i'm exhausted and have spent alot of time staring into space tonight. i dont have the energy to post a thanks to everyone right now. ill try tommorrow. yvonne
Wednesday, July 8th, 2204, 1:20 AM
Very tired now, just fighting to keep my eyes open long enough to post this update! Had my endoscopy today, it went well, there was another stricture. They dialated it and sent me back to my room. Haven't been okayed for food again yet, I'm hungry, which I'm going to take as a good sign. Hopefully, I can leave the hospital and never have to come back. I feel like I've overexceeded my lifetime quota! Was happy to get some supportive calls, and really appreciate everyones well wishes!
I just can't figure out how Sara hides her wings under her clothes!??!?! She has been such an angel to me so far. She went out of her way to gather more of my things from home, so I could be more comfortable.
The nurses have all been so kind and considerate! I have yet to get an indifferent nurse. I'm so lucky I didn't get a 'nurse ratchet ' type like last time. I hope my relative "good Luck" will hold and I won't get another nurse who hates her job.
I'm on morphine and toradol again so its gonna be lights out in a few minutes. I already feel myself fading. Talk soon, Yvonne
Saturday, July 10th, 2004 11 PM
Well I came home from the hospital yesterday, I hope for the last time! Its been quite a rollercoaster for me physically and emotionally! Everytime I think I've reached the end of my rope, I find more to tie on it! I'm lucky, although some of you may not agree! I could be so much worse off! I could be dead or dying, or still suffering from my morbid obesity and its co-morbidities. Instead, while I'm tired and looking a little worse for wear, I'm alive and doing better everyday! I am down over 50 pounds since I started actively pursuing WLS in January. 50 Pounds +! WOW! I am able to do things faster and much more easily that I couldn't do even last week! I know that my last hospitalizations since my surgery have caused me to have a few setbacks in my recovery. However; They are simply SETBACKS, not the DEAD STOPS I've experienced in the past on different diet plans. I am so much happier today, knowing that I have been proactive at this crucial of my life! I am proud of myself! What greater gift have I ever given myself, than the gift of better health? I can only ask that God let me continue to recover and feel better everyday.
To this end, I want to thank everyone who offered me support and comfort throughout my WLS journey, and beyond. Each one of you have touched and enriched my life more than I can express! May every kind word, soothing conversation, and typed message be returned to each of you tenfold! You are all such wonderful people, and I do not know if I could have been as strong as I've needed to be if not for you. Thank You Very Much from the bottom of my heart!
Today has been a good day. I had plenty of energy, and I expended much of it in positive and not too strenuous ways. I did some light housekeeping (my house DESPARATELY needed it after all the time I've been sick and in the hospital!), caught up on some paperwork, got in all of my protein, fluids and vitamins/meds (WITHOUT PUKING!!!! YAY!), did some sewing, went to the store, watched a few DVDs with my best friend, and caught up with a few phone calls. A busy day perhaps, but I feel good, so I cannot complain! In a few days my aunt and grandmother will be coming up to check on the progress of Sara and I. I am a little worried that I might run low on energy while they are here, but It can't be helped. However; if today is any indication of what my energy level is going to be like, I just might outrun them all! LOL! Well, thats all I wanna say for now. I'm looking forward to having another fabulous day tommorrow. I hope you all enjoy a great day tommorrow too! See you then! ;-) Yvonne
Monday, July 12th, 2004 2:47 AM
I'm tired now, so this update is going to be short. I got in 70 grams of protein today, and 500 calories, which was what my caloric intake goal was for today. Tommorrow I want to try and raise it to between 550 and 600. My fluid intake was pretty good today, around 40 ounces. I will need to work on that too a little bit. I kept down my vitamins and meds too. No puking at all today, although pouchie was feeling a bit punk a few times today. I probably have shocked my poor pouchie what with trying to increase my intake and all.
Later I have alot of work to do. We are expecting my Grandma and Aunt to arrive around 3:30 PM, and Sara will probably be running to the airport to get them. I hope that my energy level is high, so I can get all the things done that I need to get done, and then still have enough pep left to drive to NY to visit for a little while.
I NEED to wash clothes tommorrow because I'm running outta things that sorta fit that I can wear. The shorts I'm wearing today are way too big ! YAY! They are barely hanging onto my hips, and if I shake my butt a little they almost fall down! WoOHoO!Its probably much too heavy for me to do all of the laundry, so I'm just going to wash a small load or two instead. Dragging the stuff out to the car is going to be tough though.
Well I'm going to end this for tonight and go and get some z's. I feel like tommorrow has such endless possibilities and Thank God for getting me through all he has so far! Cya Later! Yvonne
Tuesday, July 13th, 2004, 11:32PM
My butt is dragging today...operating on less than an hour of sleep, but HEY! I'm alive!
Got to visit for a day with my Grandma and Aunt, and it was the usual mix of fun...! I was reminded repeatedly that I have a BIG BUTT (which for obvious reasons, I didn't wanna hear!)We went shopping and Grandma kept Sara and I trying on clothes for two hours! Of course, we both found great clothes and decided that even though we looked like Stepford Wives' wearing the outfits, we liked them enough to buy them! Umm..lest I forget to mention...they were the SAME outfit in two different colors. We shrugged and decided that since everyone in the Drs. office thinks we're twins anyways, we might as well confuse everyone and spread the myth! LOL! It worked! They couldn't keep us straight anyways, and this made it worse...one of our surgeons mixed up our names and invented a new one for Sara! LOL!
So when I went to the doctor today, I asked Dr. Gibbs if she also does, 'Buttectomy's'? "You see," I explained, "my family thinks I'm 'not that fat anymore' but that I have a huge Butt, so if you could just remove it...I'd be perfect!" Anyways, Dr. Gibbs laughed and said that my butt is fine and that I don't need to have a 'buttectomy'. I don't know though...I should post more pictures and start a poll...! LOL! The great news is that I've been moved up to puree foods again! WoOHoO! I'm pretty sick of the liquid diet I've been on for the last month now, so whew! I never wanna eat any of that again!(Well, except for my favorite, Broccoli Cheese Soup...YUMMY!)
We saw RoRo, Amy P., and Elizabeth in the waiting room, and had ourselves a bit of a powwow in between all of our visits. It was so wonderful to see everyone and to hear how everyone is progressing! Amy P. looks FABULOUS by the way! You can't miss how much weight she has lost! WOW! I can't wait to see everyone else at next weeks support group meeting!
I gotta call my nutritionist sometime tommorrow and ask about the snack we are supposed to bring to the next group meeting. I also wanna go over a few recipes I made up that help us get in our protein and fluids. I wanna be sure that they are okay before I share them with everyone....looks like I REALLY will be writing that Bariatric cookbook I've mentioned soon!
I'm kinda bummed out though a bit too. I think I'm stuck on a plateau. I've been the same weight for the last three visits at the doctors office. That scale is a mean liar though! Pouchie and I agree we like the one at my house the best...It says I'm 8 pounds lighter! ;-)
I'm NOT cleared to do any exercise or lifting at all still! ...Guess I'd better not mention the three loads of laundry I lugged to the car, washed, dried, folded, lugged home, and put away huh? I wanted t ojoin Curves this week, but I hate to join and not be able to use my membership. I was tempted to start exercising anyways, but the doctor must've read my mind, and said I can't for at least another month. I know that they said I'll need hernia surgery if I push the exercise too much though too. Well, thats enough of a threat thank you very much! Threaten me with another Monte stay? They win!
Well I gotta get some sleep soon! My hubby has called me repeatedly and is bound to get aggravated. Gimme a break! If I wasn't exhausted, I'd be on all night with my insomnia! GAH! 'til later! BuhBYES! Yvonne
Thursday, July 15, 2004, 10:37 pm
Its beena pretty good dya today. I ran a few errands and Sara decided to stay with me for another night. I've done pretty good on my foods and liquids, and have taken all my meds so I'm pretty good right now. I got in 538 calories today, which is the highest calorie count I've had since my surgery. I'm feeling VERY full right now. Later I'll have to try and get in a little bit more so I can get in at least 48 ounces of fluid.
My protein count was excellent if I do say so myself! I got in 88 grams, and only had two protein shakes today! YAY! PROGRESS!
No puking, but I'm worried about something else now. I'm afraid that I might be on a plateau! Alice (that beautiful angel of a person) says not to worry about it anbd to get busy walking and stuff instead of obsessing with my scale. But honestly, I can't help but be worried that this is it. Maybe I'm a failure at this...what if I don't lose anything else? GULP! Intellectually I know that I'm gonna be fine, but emotionally, I'm ready to cry with frustration about this! I wish the stupid pointer on the scale would just move so I could feel good again. Progress has really kept me sane so far. Will this drive me nuts? So far...YEAH!
I tried several new foods today and pouchie liked them all. SO GLAD! There simply aren't words to describe my relief. So far, so good! Hopefully next week I'll be cleared for regular food, and then exercise! I can't wait!
Thants all for now, stuff to do...I'll write again tommorrow!
;-) Yvonne
Friday, July 16, 2004, 1:10 PM
This is gonna be a quickie since my DH is patiently standing here tapping his foot waiting for me to be done with the computer. LOL! I ate well today, got in all of my protein and fluids! I am SO DARNED HAPPY, I haven't thrown up in days! YAY! I went shopping with Sara again tonight and we had a blast! We each picked up one complete outfit! Mine is a red dress, and another new purse, plus a pair of really sexy high heeled sandals! Hopefully they will just bowl my DH over when he sees them and he won't freak out about me spending more money! J/K...sort of! Well thats it. Still on a plateau I think, but I guess I'll have to wait and see on Tuesday when I go and weigh in! See ya tommorrow! Yvonne
PS: Last night I even managed one lap around the park accross the street! That's around 8/10ths of a mile! Wow! I'm so proud of myself! Can't wait until I can get in more exercise though!
Saturday, July 17th, 2004 11:44 PM
Well another day gloriously conquered! I am so glad to be healthier and not puking my guts out! God has been SO good to me!
Just chatted with Amy and am glad to hear that she is doing well! I wanted to ask her about how her 'eggs' have been going down, but she says that shes now sick of them, so...? I was making egg salad when I decided to ask her. She told me she hadn't tried that yet though. I also called Sara before, but she has a friend over, so she hadda go. She sounds really upbeat tonight too, so I'm glad!
Barbara is VERY UNHAPPY because they changed her date and moved it back to August 24th instead of August 9th. I really feel bad for her! The doctor decided on Friday morning that she wants Barbara to lose thirty pounds prior to her surgery instead of twenty (which she had almost accomplished!). These setbacks are hard for everuone to go through, but Barbara is particularly sensitive about her weight and any related issues, so I'm hurting for her! ;-(
Today I managed to get over the 500 calorie mark finally! I feel like I ate so much though! I ate 3 oz. of yogurt for breakfast, 3 slices of smoked turkey with 1T of guacamole for lunch, and Egg salad for dinner. I also drank two protein shakes in between that and managed to get in over 80 grams of protein! YEAH ME! Still having some trouble getting in enough fluids though...only 28 ounces even though I feel like I'm constantly eating or drinking! I'll try harder tommorrow...
Well that's it from me. DH just got home and he will wanna use the computer soon. While I do have my own laptop, its easier to use the 'big computer' since its already on. Unti ltommorrow! Yvonne
Today
Monday, July 18th, 2004 2:03AM
Still here wide awake and trying to sneak in two more ounces of protein shake, since my brothers kitten decided to drink some while I wasn't looking earlier tonight. I thought that being as it was a 'juice' type one instead of a milk based one, it would be okay, but apparently not! My own cats love my (milk based)protein shakes too, so I shoulda known that any cat of my brothers would be just odd enough to want to try this one!
Still trying to get off this plateau. I know that lots of people hit a plateau and stay on it for awhile, but I guess I was hoping that I'd be different. I've upped my protein and my fluids, and am trying to be more active, but so far its been for naught. I can't help but fret over this! Wouldn't you if you were me?
Tonight I picked up a few things from the grocery store, including some Crystal Light Sunrise Orange (my current favorite), two protein bars to try (yeah...I know I'm supposed to wait until next week to eat them!), and some biotin supplement pills. I'm hoping that taking the biotin will slow down my hair loss, and maybe even stop it. I really hope it works before I go bald and/or have to buy a wig!!!
I'm looking forward to the Monte meeting on Tuesday. I can't wait to see my girls and get some support! I'm afraid that maybe I'm starting to do things wrong. I am starting to feel head hunger alot now, and I'm quite frankly worried! I was hoping that the feeling of NOT wanting to eat anything would last longer! I also want to question my nutritionist about my plateau, but I can't until I go in and weigh myself on Tuesday, esp. since I'm not supposed to be weighing myself at home.
I feel like I'm eating too much, although my calorie count is still pretty low. Todays count is 482, and my protein is at 76 grams. I'm REALLY struggling with getting in my fluids though! I'm only at 28 ounces so far! I feel so overwhelmed with trying to get all my protein and fluids in, while trying to progress to regular foods. I keep wondering if I should regress a little to liquids just to get the protein and fluids in. What am I doing wrong!
I bought myself a small travel alarm clock and set it to go off to remind when me to eat, and drink. I have been using it for several days now. It helps, but I feel like I don't have enough hours in a day to get in enough calories, protein, and fluids! I almost always feel full, & I'm starting to get stressed and of course that means I want to snack. I wish this surgery included removing the part of my brain that lies to me and tells me I'm hungry, when I'm not! GAH!
I guess thats it for tonight (actually for this morning! lol!). I'm feeling a little low, but tommorrow I have alot to do, so I'd better try and get some sleep so I can push myself to get all the errands done tommorrow! 'Talk' to you more then.
Yvonne
Monday, July 18th, 2004 10:46 PM
I have my Monte meeting tommorrow, and I'm really looking forward to going to it! I can't wait to see my girls (and Louis too!). I think everybody has been doing well, but I can't wait to see my big group of losers! lol!
Today is the two month Anniversary of my wls. I'm on a plateau still of course, but I'm doing my darnedest to get off it! I'm eating properly, getting in more than enough protein, and tonight I did 3 laps around the park (which is the most I've done since my surgery!). I'm not supposed to do too much exercise yet, and I have a pretty bad cramp, that's telling me off right now, but I just HAVE to get off this damn plateau! I don't think I can reach my goal weight in time otherwise!
I am weighing in at 194.1, which is great, but...GRR! This stupid Plateau! I am down almost 50 pounds, and have dropped 4 sizes already. I'm now wearing a 14-16, (and even one 12-14!)in most clothes, and I am wearing a size large or medium shirt (even with these boobs! LOL!). I even dropped 1 shoe size too! I've dropped one cup size in my Bras, and am back to wearing a 34!
Unfortunately, I'm noticing alot of loose skin under my arms, and I will definitely need plastic surgery for my boobs! I've taken to calling my boobs, 'boob-roll-ups', because I feel like they are REALLY sagging now. I think I'll also need a pannilectomy to remove the excess skin in my lower abdomen. (I can't tell about that for sure though yet, because theres still a substantial amount of fat hanging around in that area! GRR!) I am really looking forward to being allowed to exercise and use weights! I plan to go right for these abs, and arms so I can tighten these suckers!
I'm really struggling with my fluids though. I feel like a camel or something! I simply cannot seem to get in enough fluids! Tonight I'm at 85 grams of protein, which is great, and today is probably the first time this week I've reached even close to my fluid intake goal. I'm at 40 ounces. I don't think I can drink 8 more ounces before bed either! I've gotta talk to Aisling (my nutritionist) about this. Maybe she has some suggestions.
Tommorrow I'm planning on bringing my protein ice to the meeting as my healthy snack. I hope that everyone likes it and Aisling thinks its okay to snack on. I will have to wait and see.
Such a busy day for me! I'm pooped for once, and I think I'm gonna actually go to bed early! Just gotta call Amy back before she calls me too late. I'm planning on getting a manicure and pedicure before tomorrows meeting. I'm also gonna wear my cute black and pink polka dot skirt! I can't wait to take pictures and post them on my page! Until tommorrow- Yvonne
Tuesday, July 21, 2004 11:50 PM
What a wonderful day its been! I woke up with so much energy, and I knew something good was going to happen for me! Well it did!
I was so obsessed and worried about the plateau I was on, so I went for a walk last night. My walk stretched into 2-3/4 miles, and that seems to have done the trick! Today, when I went to the doctors office I'm down 5 pounds! YaY!
I wore my cute little pink polka dotted skirt, and my new shoes, and my DH was oogling me! And at Monte everyone said I looked good too! I felt so happy and confident! Wow! What a GREAT feeling!
DH has been such a GREAT Hubby! I am just SO darn lucky to have him! Today, when he came home, he insisted on treating me to a manicure and pedicure! So tommorrow morning I'm going to see if I can get that done. He is so proud of me, and is just ecstatic that I haven't been tossed back into Monte again! He also agreed that I deserve a vacation, so in two weeks Sara and I are going to Florida! What a guy huh?!?!? He is so understanding of my need to get out more now and explore my new life! I'm so lucky that he is supportive!
So...Since I'm gonna be going on vacation soon...I"m gonna need some more clothes! So that means I have to go SHOPPING! WoOHoO!! I am definitely bringing my 'lucky skirt ' (the one mentioned above!), and my new red dress, but I'll need a few new pairs of shorts too!
I think I might just be either:
1.) exhausting Sara
OR
2.) turning her into a shopaholic monster like me !
I think everyone looked really good at the meeting! Amy, Angelene, and Ramonita looked good, and happy! It looks like none of them are suffering from low energy, or anything else! I'm sooo glad! I had a feeling something wasn't right when I didn't see Aisha, so I called her house when I got home and they told me that she is back in Monte! She is dehydrated, and has what sounds like a stricture! I tried to explain everything to her, and tell her what to expect if she has a stricture, so that she won't be as scared. I hope that shes okay! I'm gonna call her tommorrow night. I'm telling everyone to give her a call too!
Well thats it, Amy is on the phone and Sara is IMing me, so I'm not just losing my train of thought...I'm missing the train too! LOL! Yup. Bad joke! Can't win them all!
Take Care! Yvonne
Thursday, July 22, 2004 3:29 AM
I've had an interesting day today! I'm very tired right now, but I knew I'd have to post this update or I wouldn't sleep! I didn't get in all of my protein like I was supposed to today, but I tried. I could've done better. Tommorrow will be a better day for that! I had some trouble with my asthma today due to the humidity. I'm a little worried about going to Florida because I know the humidity really socks it to me healthwise! Well, I'm going to have to just bring my inhalers and hope for the best right?
I went for my walk tonight, but I really didn't have the heart for it. I forced myself to reach the goal that I'd set for myself though! I have to be proud of that! Over 3 miles by a hair! I don't time myself or anything, instead I think its better for me (at least for now) to know I'm getting in some exercise! I noticed that I walk a little faster now than I did before my surgery! It was such a pleasant surprise.
Now, for those who are sensitive or get embarrassed easily:
DO NOT READ THIS PARAGRAPH!!! I'm trying to be honest here like I've always promised so if you are still reading then be prepared for something you might think is TMI! I've been waiting on starting to have sex with my hubby because I wanted to get the green light from my doctor before resuming our sex life. Actually I was kinda scared that something would happen since they said "No sexual relations for 6 weeks" after my WLS, and then I had my bowel surgery too...so I thought I'd have to wait another six weeks or so. Well, I feel good now, and I decided to take the plunge last night. My DH was TOO relieved! I think he thought 'it' was gonna rust before it got some use! Anyways...Tonight my DH and I had the best sex of our married life! I'm not quite sure why its better than ever. When we met I was around the size I am now, but sex was never as spectacular as it was tonight! I'm talking tears rolling down my face and cramps in my toes good! A few WLS buddies told me that sex would be a whole lot better, but I thought they meant...well you know..that I'd be able to do more different things as I lost the weight. Now I think maybe thats not all they were trying to tell me! What a pleasant side effect of WLS! WOW!
Okay, that said...(if you are still reading) I am really looking forward to going shopping again! I have to get me a coupla pairs of shorts to wear while I'm on vacation next week. I can't wait to get in the store to experience the rather heady sensation of finding alot of cute clothes that fit! I can't explain the feeling that comes over me when I try on clothes that are size 12,14, or 16 and they fit! I haven't worn those sizes in ten years! Everytime I fit into another size, I want to dance and sing! Actually sometimes I actually do!(so if you see me, just smile okay!)
My DH is calling me back to bed, so I gotta run. I'm tired anyways! Well I hope I didn't embarrass anyone (especially myself!)with my honesty above! I'll be updating tommorrow (or should I say later?!?!) to let you know what joy I find to experience between now and then! Until then...Yvonne
Wednesdsy, July 28th, 2004, 11 PM
Well I hope this quick little update gets saved to my profile, but I'm gonna give it a try again. My last 4 posts have disappeared into cyberspace, never to be seen again. They weren't emailed to me either, so methinks they are lost forever. OH GEEZ!
Well just a quickie update now....
I weighed in at 180 pounds today! WooHoo! I have sloooowly been adding more foods to my regular diet and raising my calories too. Yesterday I managed to get in over 700 calories, which is the first time since surgery. Today I managed to get up more calories too, although not even close to yesterday. Its really hard for me though mentally. I keep feeling bad...I guess maybe I even feel guilty everytime I eat now! Everything gets the third degree perusal, and alot of stuff I find lacking, so I put it back without trying it. I cannot seem to feel any interest for eating vegetables, although tonight we went out to dinner at the Olive Garden, and I tried a tiny bit of salad. Well THAT was a mistake! I threw up all of my dinner (four tiny shrimp, one piece of penne, and a sliver of pepper, as well as the 1 inch piece of lettuce I cut up, and the cherry tomatoe slice I tried)! It was NOT pretty! Then we went to see The Bourne Supremacy (which was very good!) and I ate 1 too many nacho chips. BLAH! I had to go and puke again! This time it really HURT to puke, and I got pretty lightheaded and was afraid I'd pass out in there! Luckily, I was okay, and I went bvack in to see the rest of the movie.
I had a ton of energy, despite my lack of sleep! I did several hours of shopping for my friends store, and then restocked his shelves with him. Of Course, as usual, I was running late, so I had to scurry around quite a bit to get done in time to go to my BIL 's B-day party. I made it though!
I was also excited to see someone today who also had WLS! I knew Maria before my surgery, and she was so nice and supportive. She was so wonderful today too! She told me how great I looked, and I felt so proud of all I've done and gone through to get to this point. My friends even say that my voice has changed with the WLS. I wonder..?
Well thats all for now. Tommorrow is another busy day. Laundry and errands, and then I have to drive to NY to help my sister. WHEW! What a busy week! I can't wait to leave for Florida on Saturday! TT4N! Yvonne
Tuesday, August 2, 2004, 4:15 AM
Well, I am down here in 'sunny' Florida (where I have seen only thunderstorms for the past few days so far!). I am having a pretty good time, despite my car makign weird noises, the cruddy weather, and what I eat being a trial and error thing everyday.
Today I threw up three times. It stinks, but I think I'm okay since I have eaten other things since and its stayed down. PHEW! Scary, but okay...! Apparently leftovers do not agree with me, including avocado! Also some things which I used to be able to eat, now make me sick. Cauliflower was particularly nasty, as was mashed potatoes for some odd reason! I don't think I'll be trying either of those ever again!
We went to a grocery store today to try and find some healthier alternatives, etc. and the store had this big scale in the vestibule, so Sara told me to try it, and according to the scale I weigh 168 today! I think its gotta be wrong right? I mean maybe its too good to be true, and I'm having a hard time trying to get my head around this idea even! Sara says that it is probably accurate but I still am not sure what to think! My monthly curse started today, and I'm feeling all crampy and bloated, so matbe thats why I don't feel smaller at all. I can't wait to weigh in the next time I go to the doctor!
I'm feeling guilty about food alot lately. I'm a little afraid that I'm eating too much! According to Fitday.com, I'm not eating enough calories, but I still feel like I'm constantly eating, which can't be good. My 'head hunger' is bothering me too I think, because surely I'm not hungry all the times that I do get something to eat. I cannot seem to get myself on the three scheduled meals and two snack plan that my doctor and nutritionist want me to. I can't eat all that food in one sitting! I feel sick if I even try! The thought of trying to eat a slice of toast, one scrambled egg, and an ounce and a half of melon in one sitting is absurd! It would take me about two hours to eat all of that- especially in the morning!
My protein shake (which I try to drink as my first 'meal') goes down SO HARD sometimes, I'm sure I'm going to throw up! I'm working on the protein bars too. Some are barely bearable, while others are just truly disgusting! I haven't found any that I could eat more than a few times. Luckily, between the protein shakes, my foods, and some of the protein bars or snacks - I manage to get in more than enough protein. I'm wondering what I'm lacking though, esp. since I don't seem to get in ANY veggies. Now I'm doing okay with the fruit, but I'm still having issues with trying to swallow anything that is carbs. (like pasta, bread, etc.) I tried to eat a couple of pretzels logs, but I had this panicky feeling and my throat gagged, and I had to spit it out. I HATE doing this, but I don't feel like I have any choice since I cannot make myself swallow sometimes! I know it is probably just fear, but I wanna mention it to my nutritionist and see what she thinks.
Well thats all for now! I have another long day tommorrow, and I gotta get some z's! Hopefully tommorrow will be puke-free, and sunny here! Talk to ya soon! Yvonne
Sunday, August 15th, 2004 12:57 AM
Well I've been kinda slacking off with updating my profile lately. I have no good excuse, its mostly that I've been being lazy. Sorry. I'm feeling a little blue the last couple days. I have so much to do I feel very overwhelmed by it all. I feel like I can never get all the things that I need to get done accomplished. I hope this hopeless feeling goes away soon. I don't have time to waste!
Sara came down for a few hours tonight and we went to Fashion Bug and KMart to try and find some new clothes that fit. I'm already outgrowing (?!) the clothes I bought about a month or so post-op. It was fun and distracting, but I really felt like I should have been doing some of my backlogged work instead. Oh Well.
I'm now over three mos. post op and having some trouble adjusting mentally to my new body. I don't really know if I can explain it. I know that I've lost weight because all of my pre-op clothes no longer fit, and I know I'm going down sizes. People tell me how much better I look, and physically, I feel better. I guess I just feel like I'm the same person inside and its weird that people act differently around me. Men check me out and flirt with me, and while thats flattering its all really unnerving too! Sometimes it is downright uncomfortable. I guess it will take some getting used to.
I'm feeling very emotional tonight and want to cry. I don't know why I feel so darned fragile, but I do. I'm actually kinda feeling disappointed with myself too. I'm putting alot of pressure on myself because I wanna lose more weight, and I want to lose it faster. I've noticed that my rate of weight loss is slowing down already, and it pisses me off! I KNOW its natural, and I need to just accept it. However, I sort of feel like my body is letting me down too. Ridiculous huh?!?!?
I've been thinking about food alot more the past few days too. I'm constantly struggling with whether I have to eat more, or less, and then I feel incredible guilt about everything I put into my mouth. I feel on the verge of tears everytime I eat something. I know that my calorie counts are mostly okay, because I consult FITDAY dozens of times a day to check. I keep wondering if I need to cut down on some of my food though...especially some of my carbs and fats. Its a crazy new obsession with me. I probably should seek some help with this...
I weighed in at the Drs. office the other day and the scale said I am heavier than I thought. I feel completely crushed about it even though I knew that the other scales I'd tried were probably off. I'm at 177 acording to the stupid thing which means that I'm most likely on a plateau.
I also have been having issues with my body and how it looks while I'm naked. I have too much hanging skin to suit me, especially in the 'panni' area. I feel disgusted everytime I look at it. Its loose and lumpy looking, and makes almost everything I try on look bad! Then there are these terrible boobs! I cannot seem to find a decent bra for them. They hang and droop and I don't know what I can do with them. They have so mush extra skin I think they look weird and crepe-y. I'm begining to hate them! ARGH! And then there is my apparently Fatter-than-anything-anyone-has-ever-seen butt! I'm so sick to death of hearing how fat and big my ass is! Gosh! Its not as if I never had a big butt before, but I guess now it has some kinda prominence! Why does everyone have to look and comment about my butt? Before I would hear things like, "You have such a beatiful face if only you'd lose some weight", while now I hear "You'd look so much better if you didn't have such a huge butt". Enough already! What am I supposed to do, cut the f'king thing off? GAH!
Well thats all from pissed off, & weepy me...I hope this stupid funk I'm in will pass and I'll shape the hell up! I wonder what the heck I've got to feel bad about! I HAVE lost SOME weight at least! I don't even understand myself sometimes! TT4N Yvonne
Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
I'm on another plateau. Really SUX! I know it will pass, but while ur on one, its hard to not get nervous and annoyed! Oh boy!
I went to my group meeting and am pretty pleased with how everything went! They finally have thinned out the group so that it won't be crowded as it was! I'm very pleased that it will now be at 6 pm every other Tuesday, effective almost immediately. I met with the new psychologist that is part of the clinical team and so far, I like her. (I have A LOT of trust issues, so I'm reserving my final judgement!)
I've been having some pain again under my left rib and want to ignore it, but it really hurts! I mentioned it to Dr. Gibbs and asked her if I should come in for an appointment, and she said yeah to come in on next week Tuesday or Thursday. I also gotta see my PCP and have him draw blood and see if my nutrition is okay. I'm feeling a bit weaker than usual and have been getting dizzy spells alot again. I figure I should check it out just to be on the safe side.
Well thats all I guess for now...gotta get back to work ;-) Talk to ya more later! Yvonne
Saturday, August 20, 2004, 3:29 AM
I've been having a miserable day today! I haven't been able to keep hardly anything down, and I'm worried about the possibility of another damn stricture. :-( I've been able to drink and keep down almost all liquids, but the only thing I have been able to eat all day is about 1 teaspoonful of cottage cheese. I retched so much that I was sure that the food and 'foam' was coming from my old stomach too! Oh my gosh did I puke! I have been dealing with my stomachache all day and it hasn't eased at all. If it doesn't stop hurting, I'm definitely going to have to get to a doctor. DARN! I don't have time to be sick! I've been extremely busy with getting my stock levels where they should be. They are VERY low because it's taken me so long to recover from my surgeries, being limited on what I can do, and everything else thats been going on. I was supposed to make an appointment to see Dr. Gibbs but I forgot to do it. She is supposed to see me about the pain under my ribs. I've been avoiding calling the office to complain and hoping it will go away-but now it feels even worse. It was so stupid to avoid calling there when maybe things would not be hurting so much if I'd have listened to my body right away. I just feel like they say I'm too much of an alarmist and that they will think I'm a hypochondriac if I call about every little ache and pain. Stupid huh?
I'm very disappointed that I didn't get to see Renee H. in the hospital! I hope that she knows that I love her and wish her all the best! I was so psyched to go, and then I got sick as soon as I tried to eat breakfast! I feel annoyed with pouchie and with my whole body for letting me down. Ever notice that whenever you are busy and don't have time for more crap, thats when the sh!t hits the fan? Well here I am feeling blue, getting annoyed to death by my DH, and p.o'ed since feeling like crap has ruined my plans for going to Darien Lakes tommorrow (actually today)!
I'm soooo tired. I hope that I can get some sleep soon. As it is, I'm also upset and feeling ready to puke up more 'foam'! GAH!
Talk to ya more later....Yvonne
Friday, August 27th, 2004, 3:01 AM
I wrote a whole long post and was in the process of saqving ut when this darn laptop battery went dead! so of course it was lost! I'll do my best to recap....
A bunch of great folks from the board have been emailing and calling me to bring my spirits back up. I have really appreciated it!
I'm back (AGAIN!) in Monte because I have been throwing uo everything that I eat or drink for a week now. The doctors don't know what to do since they dont know what is causing me to throw up. I thought it was 'just' another stricture and that they would dialate it and then I could go home. Unfortunately the slight stricture I had was not ht ecause of my vomitting, so now they are trying to figure out what to do. Tommorrow (actually...later!) they are planning on running a bunch more tests to see if they can pinpoint what is wrong, but the doctor said that if they cannot find anything he wants to do another (exploratory) surgery to try and see what is happening in there. I am so scared!
WTF is going on inside me? I wanna go home! I'm feeling really let down by my body lately. Why do I have to go through so much pain and suffering? I did everything I am supposed to and yet I am still having so much trouble! I'm running outta tears, and I am so damn depressed! Good thing they are gonna start me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds tommorrow. Maybe that will keep me from losing my mind in this hellhole!
This bitch of a nurse keeps making these little snide comments and I am a hairs breadth from hitting her! I have had the same nurse for three nights now and I'm really beginning to lose my temper! She keeps saying that I must've done something bad to bring this all on myself! As if I'm not miserable and suffering enough, I end up with this horrid, unkind, and selfish monster for my nurse! I really don't need to hear her comments about how I seem better tonight, esp. since her f-up on my meds contributed to my feeling dizzy yesterday! It is so annoying that the doctors and nurses are so darn sure they know everything better than the patients themselves! I TOLD them my meds were not right, but they wouldn't listen, and so I had to stay in bed feeling dizzy until they fixed it. And then this bitch had to make that comment! ARGH!!!
My IV needle is grotesquely bent in my vein but they don't wanna change it since "it is still working". Its painful and kinda bulging outta the back of my hand though! I fell(see my explanation of my dizziness above!)on top of it and WOW did that hurt!! Good thing it is in my left hand and I am a righty, or I'd pull the sucker out myself and damn the consequences!
Well I think that about covers it for me. Other than them sending the psychologist over to help me with my 'possible fear of food and eating', and other issues. I'm NOT afraid of food, and can't wait to eat! However its like talking to yourself when I try to tell the doctors this! I'll try and post something here tommorrow to let you know how goes the tests. C'ya then! Yvonne
Friday, September 17th, 2004 7:19 PM
Well, I have been incredibly lax with updating my profile, but I'm here now to fix that! :-)
I'm outta the hospital again (THANKS GOD!) and feeling alot better! They had to do another surgery and found a bunch more adhesions in my bowels. They got rid of them again but of course, I'm scared to death that they will try to return. I'm trying to be positive though and not think about that possiblity too much!
I am down over 85 pounds now and am wearing a size 8-10. (I STILL cannot believe that I am typing that!) I bought the first pair of low rise jeans I've ever worn last week, and they actually fit (despite me feeling sure that they couldn't possibly!)! Now I have bought three more pairs of low rise jeans, and am planning on getting in more shopping soon! I also bought myself several new shirts since I have already found that the clothes I bought around a month and a half after my surgery no longer fit me! I have four bras that 'sorta fit' me, but need to go shopping for ones that are actually my size! Shopping continues to be my favorite new obsession!
I am struggling quite a bit with new weight related issues now though. I do not see the much smaller person everyone else sees when I look into the mirror. I still feel like I am still 'fat' and that I could still lose at least another 50 pounds. I know that this is unnatural, unhealthy, and probably impossible, but I get these sneaky little thoughts running through my head about trying to lose more than what the doctors are recommending. I am seeking therapy for this, but so far it haven't changed my mind. I know that as I get more used to my slimmer body, its supposed to get easier to accept myself, but I am feeling impatient for that to happen.
I still try on clothes in sizes too large for me first and usually have to go back and get more appropriate sizes before I decide what to buy for myself. I think that is probably a conditioned response, since I bought larger sizes for years. I hate that I see clothes on the hanger and am convinced that even though it says its my size, it looks WAY too small to fit me! It takes alot of discussion (with myself or my shopping companions) before I am willing to try clothes on when it looks too small to me, but it DOES usually fit after all! I know its all these crazy issues in my head that I am trying to come to grips with, but sometimes I think its going to make me nuts!
Sometimes I think that since I am already so close to my doctors goal weight now, it shouldn't be too hard for me to lose more. I mean I am four months out, and am roughly 15 pounds from 'goal'... At this rate, maybe I can be a size 4 by Christmas. My husband, sisters, and friends would probably be horrified if I said this to them. But it would kinda be cool to be a size 4! I'd only have to lose maybe 40 pounds more...then I'd be skinny! I've never been 'skinny' as an adult before. That would be SO cool!
Don't get me wrong here! I am NOT starving myself or anything like that, but I definitely think about how many calories are in what I am eating and drinking. My nutritionist has recommended that I can ease up on my self-inflicted rule for no more than 4 grams of fat per serving of whatever I eat, but I dump so badly on fat that I'm scared! I have dumped twice on 6 grams of fat, and I dump on relatively low sugar too (9 grams).
I know that I throw up too much, but I figure there isn't anything I can do about that except, maybe chew my food up better. I have alot of food intolerance problems right now. I can't eat/drink eggs, milk, pasta, most vegetables, cereals, peaches, apples, bananas, citrus fruit, mango, beef (except in chili), pork (except thin shaved ham), and turkey. Most of the time I eat cheeses, yogurt, grapes/berries (except strawberries), melon, beans, chicken, Fish (ALOT OF FISH!), crackers, and soy/high protein chips. My protein drinks are all touch and go everyday and I struggle to get them to stay down constantly. I have at least 9 different kinds on hand and pouchie decides which one she will tolerate everyday. Unfortunately, I give up trying after I throw them up a few times, so some days I am definitely NOT getting in enough protein! On those days I try to eat more high protein foods to make up for what I throw up.
I can't wait to be able to consult with a plastic surgeon about getting rid of all my extra skin! I know that it is too soon to do that, but I think about it constantly! My boobs have shrunk almost two full cup sizes now, and they look really gross to me! The skin is crepy and loose and I definitely will be getting a boob lift, and possibly an augmentation too. I HATE my boobs! My panni area is kinda loose and cottage-cheesy looking, but it has gotten alot tighter in the last month or so. I hope that I will be able to have the extra skin there removed eventually though too. My 'bat-wings' aren't too bad compared to other people, but I just HATE them too. Hopefully, once I'm cleared for exercise, I can work on my arms enough so I won't need any PS on them. I guess time will tell...
I get more comments and attention from men now, and while it's flattering, I also sometimes feel VERY uncomfortable about it. I often wonder what men are thinking when they look at me. Are they thinking I look good, or are they thinking "look at this fat chick in the too small clothes"?
I am so worried that my weight loss has been some magical, wonderful dream, and that I will wake up one day as a size 22-24. Maybe thats why I am really struggling with my insomnia! I hate to go to sleep, but once I am in bed, I don't wanna get up! Thats where the prozac comes in I guess, although I don't think its helping my depression very much. I still am fighting to get out of bed everyday and do anything! I have the energy to do things, but I am really lacking the will! Well, thats more to deal with when I see my shrink huh?
I guess basically, everyday is a new experience for me. I'm working on all of my issues and trying to come to grips with my body, but its been REALLY hard! Between my multiple operations and hospital stays, and everything I think I've done pretty good so far. Everyone tells me I look great, and that I don't need to lose too much more weight. Its so totally foreign to me to imagine NOT needing to lose weight though! My wonderful hubby keeps saying that I should stop losing weight soon or I will be "too skinny", but I guess my body will stop when its good and ready to so...
Thats gonna be all for now...Hopefully I'll get back here to post an update soon! Barbara (my older sister) is going in on Monday for her bypass, so I hope to update then! I pray she will do just super!
Until later ~Yvonne
October 22, 2004 12:45 PM
Well geez I'm lousy at updating! I just wanted to let y'all know how I'm doing here. I hope that you are all doing great and getting on well!
I am now down to a size 6. YEP! That's Right...a SIX! and I'm feeling great! I have SO much energy and was cleared again to start exercising this week. One of my business clients comp'ed me a gym membership yesterday and I'm stoked to start working out!
My last surgery (in August) seems to have worked! I haven't had any trouble since then, and rarely vomit. I'm starting to like to eat again which scares me since I'm afraid that I will regain all that I've lost. I'm trying to be extra vigilant about everything that I eat so that doesn't happen. Its kind of scary and weird after all these months of not wanting to eat!
My business has me running around like a crazy person now, and I'm getting ready to hire more holiday help to offset the increase in work. I used to be able to do almost all of it by myself, but I just got 9 new clients this week and there is just NO WAY for me to do it all! I simply don't have my physical strength built up enough (yet!)to lift and do all that I used to and why kill myself?!?!
I have been going out to bars and clubs with Sara and my DH and in general enjoying my new body and my new life. I drank a wee bit of alcohol, and its left me more confused than it used to! A little alcohol makes me almost instantly drunk! Its weird! I'm not sure if I like the numb feeling that drinking gives me though. Sometimes its welcome to be oblivious, but its extremely unnerving too! I will definitely NOT be drinking often! I think that the loss of control is too scary for me!
I do still have the body image issues, although that is improving. I am NOT at my doctor goal weight yet, but SOON...! I am so excited to be still losing, even if almost everyone I know has told me I'm getting too skinny.
Its tough for me to justify everything that is going on with my body. My weight loss is slowing down considerably now. I'm only losing between 1 and 3 pounds a week now, and have yo-yo'ed with a 6 pound regain twice! Sometimes I even consider diet pills, fasting, and other things to try and lose the weight faster, but so far I have been good about deciding against doing that. I know that it is natural for my weight loss to slow down, but it kinda sucks too!
I am getting almost constant comments about my body and its both exciting and annoying. One of my neighbors thought my husband had gotten rid of his "fat wife" and had a "new, thin, younger girlfriend" now! I wasn't sure wheather to be annoyed or laugh about that one! My brother in law has recently told me that I'm "scrawny and homely". 'Dummy' thought I was going to let that one go, but I belted him for that rude comment! Some guy recently told me that I had " a great body and great tits" and that I should "be a stripper"! I was floored! As if that is a compliment! I could imagine how fast I'd change his perception of me if he saw my extra droopy skin and my cleverly hidden fat, let alone my sagging boobs! I keep wondering why people think its okay to make comments about my body as if thats all there is to talk about! Even my grandmother told me I needed a boob job since my "breasts are gone"! While I know its true and I definitely will need PS, I hate to hear unprovoked comments like that! I bought four new sweaters at a flea market, but before I could even tell the lady what I was looking for, she insisted that I was looking at the wrong size...that is- I should be looking at larges or extra larges, instead of mediums! I was wearing a baggy shirt and was wearing layers since I was cold, I explained, but she still disagreed. I was really dumbfounded, but I bought the mediums anyways. Turns out they were too big, and I should have bought smalls! No wonder I'm struggling with body issues huh?
My DH has been odd about my body too. He doesn't like that I go out more and that other men might be hitting on me. He recently told me "WOW! You were fat there! " (on our wedding!) He also told me that I shouldn't hang our wedding picture up because its unflattering to me! ARGH! While he keeps insisting that I should "stop losing weight soon", he also told me I was about 20 pounds too heavy to sit on him! Sometimes you gotta wonder what he is thinking! At least he has been understanding about my almost constant need to shop for new clothes! I keep growing out of clothes so fast that sometimes I only get to wear things once or twice before it doesn't fit! Its kinda frustrating!
Well thats all for now. I gotta get more of my work done and I need to go to the doctor and get more bloodwork done again. Now they are thinking there is something going on with my thyroid...?! Til next time! C' ya! Yvonne
Wednesday, Nevember 3rd, 2004 2:45 AM
Just thought I'd drop in for a quick update on my profile...
I'm going quite mad here trying to do all the stuff I need to do for my business. It has been so hard lately to get everything done since I am so busy with everything going on in my life! I am getting excited, scared, anxious, depressed, and exhilirated by both the old and the new experiences that keep occuring around me.
Barbara and Sara are both doing great, and I am so proud of them both! I am still losing a little , but its going extremely SLOW now! I am SO scared that I will stop losing weight, although I know that I will have to at some point. I am still not at my goal weight, and I want to lose more weight desperately!
Everyone has been telling me that I should either stop losing, or that I will get too skinny. My husband has been really on my case about a lot of stuff lately too. He thinks I am already a little too bony, and that I obsess too much about what and how much I eat. He told me to stop talking because to him I was being "ridiculous and annoying" when I tried to explain how disgusted I was at how much I ate on Friday night.
I have been grazing all the time lately, and I am really worried about it. I have been doing miserably trying to control my eating, and I have cried about it every day this week. I constantly think about food and what I want to eat and I am scared that I cannot seem to control myself. Tonight I ate until I threw up, and the worse part about it is that I KNEW I was overdoing it, but I still kept eating! What is wrong with me? Why does food have so much control over me? Why can't I fix this problem?
I really need to talk to my shrink about this. Yesterday I decided to 'start over' and tried to do a day of the liquid stage to try and improve my eating habits. I was fine with it until around 7:30 PM when my husband ordered a pizza. I went a little bonkers at the smell, and finally I decided to give up on the liquids and eat a few pizza crusts (I HATE the cheese and sauce on pizza now!). I knew that I really should have made a better food choice than that. How am I improving anything, when I let the smell of food get the best of me? About two hours later I ate a little fried rice (Sara and I made it the other night so its not bad like the kind you get at the Chinese food restarant). I drank a little S/F KoolAid with it which of course is another bad habit I can't seem to break! Then about an hour later, I ate two s/f, F/F cookies, and two pieces of S/F candy. I started feeling guilty about eating all of that so I tried to think what I should do to cut down on the calories I was consuming. I decided that throwing up was just NOT going to happen (since I ABHOR throwing up!), so I decided to take a laxative to try and cut down on my calorie absorption.
I know that this is NOT healthy, and that it is a really bad thing to do. I know that sounds like I am developing an eating disorder. But I felt SO much better after taking it. In fact, I took another laxative after dinner. It hasn't seemed to take any effect, probably because I threw up my dinner shortly thereafter. I did try to fast the other day, but I quit that really fast since I got really dizzy and weak by lunchtime. I wish I could do something a lot better...like glue my darn mouth shut! I guess here is the proof that the 'honeymoon period' after my WLS is over! I am going to have to figure out how to control myself! I MUST!
My DH has been 'on strike' lately, and will not do any housework. He feels that since I am home and working, and he is working "70 hours a week" I should do everything else. I know that is Bullsh--, but lately though, I just don't feel like arguing, so I have just been trying to do it all -housework, making all the items I sell for my business, making spreadsheets and cost projections for my new accounts, setting up my 9 new locations, restocking my current stores, doing the laundry and grocery shopping, building new displays, keeping in touch with my family and friends, doing my MIL's grocery shopping and errands, planning my annual New Years Eve bash, running my pets to the vet, going to the doctor (I have had a nagging sinus infection for three weeks now), going to business meetings, buying a new refridgerator, touring new locations, taking my car in for service, getting more and more blood tests run, going out with my sisters, husband, and friends, running back and forth to shows, packing and unpacking, and repacking the car, doing inventory, tearing the house apart looking for the miserable library book I lost, etc.
I think maybe I am stretched too thin. Maybe the stress is making me crazy. I am SO TIRED...and I don't have time to slow down!
On to better topics...
I am wearing a size 4-6 now, so I will need to do some more shopping. I wore a pair of my size 8 stretch jeans today and spent much of the day tugging them up! My 'ever helpful' hubby suggested that I just wear a belt, so I patiently explained why belts do not work with ultra low rise jeans.
Sara and I dressed up for Halloween (which was the first time I'd dressed up in years!) to hand out candy to the kids. Sara was a sexy devil and a goth chick, and I was a cheerleader! It was sOOOO much fun to clown around, and we wore our costumes all weekend (just about!). We went to a few bars/clubs, but unfortunately we were too late to enter the costume contests they were having. Oh well...there always next year right?
Business has been BRISK! Hopefully the money will roll in and I can expand my business in the coming year! I guess I will have to wait and see.
Well, thats all I have the time to write...gotta get back to labeling my lotion bottles! The work NEVER ends! Until next time...Yvonne
Monday, January 3rd, 2005 2:11 AM
Wow! It just struck me that it has been a few MONTHS since I've updated! Good thing that my season is slowing down a little now so I can catch my breath and do some of the things I've needed and/or wanted to do and simply not had time for. I better make this update quick though since I have to get some sleep before my alarm goes off at 6 AM! LOL!
My favorite foods right now are peanut butter & burnt bagels.
My favorite guilty pleasure is 10 Peanut M&Ms.
My favorite cold drink is S/F Koolaide ('red' flavored! LOL)
My favorite hot drink is Decaf. Coffee
It is both a blessing and a curse to be able to eat alot more stuff. Its nice to have more choices, but not so great when there are so many tempting bad ones! I passed the century mark in November, and am still losing (which I cannot seem to stop!).
I have done several BAD things diet wise, such as eating way too many s/f Christmas cookies, getting sick on them, and still going back and eating a few more the next day. (Solved that problem by throwing the rest of them out!) I also ate a brownie which I still feel incredibly guilty for, even more so since it did not make me sick and it was full fat and sugar! I am REALLY struggling with emotional eating, as well as getting in the habit of eating while doing something else (ie. Watching TV, Reading etc.) I need to improve with scheduling my meals too. I am quite confused with what to do, mostly because I have not had a follow up for quite some time with my surgeon, but my PCP wants me to stop losing weight, and to eat 9 mini meals a day! I have only managed to get to 7 meals and only 1 time, but thats mostly because I threw one of them up! I feel so gross, bloated, and gluttonous (is that a word?) trying to eat so much food! Its amazing how much my perception has changed! I know that there were times when I ate ten or more times what the doctor wants me to eat, and never thought twice about it, and now I feel guilty for having to eat so much (3-5 ounces of food at a time)!! I am looking forward to talking to the surgeon and the nutritionists about all of this! Maybe they have a different solution that I can better tolerate than 9! meals!
I have been at goal for almost a month now, although I still struggle with quite a few issues.
I am getting awfully sick of everyone telling me that I'm "too thin" or "too skinny"! I swear no one was satisfied with the old fat me (including ME!), but now that I've worked and struggled to shed all of this excess weight, it seems I am still some sort of freak! GRRR! My BMI is in the normal range, I am not starving myself in hopes of losing more weight, and have quit with the laxatives (unless I need them for the obvious reason!). I am eating well (although I think sometimes I'm eating TOO WELL!), still trying to get in more protein, drinking plenty of water and diet koolaid and taking my meds.
My husband and BIL are constantly harassing me, telling me I am too thin, and even suggesting that I should GAIN some weight (AHHHH!)! I have tried to explain to them that they are not helping me with these comments, and that they are actually really hurting my new self-confidence by saying things like that. My husband tells my family & friends that I still think I am fat and that I think I need to lose more weight. This is not true anymore, and has not been for around a month, but he still says it at every opportunity. I feel as if he is making fun of me, as if I'm crazy or something, and it really bothers me. I think he is being insensitive, but I simply am just going to have to put up with it I guess.
I am still seeing the shrink to try and deal with my body issues, food fears, and other stuff. I have to be honest though-I have never told her that I was taking the laxatives at all. I know I should, but so far I can't get myself to admit that to her, or anyone else. Weird that I can say it here and not to a persons face huh? I think if I admit that I was doing that, I will feel like I'm either such a failure at this, or that I am trying to 'cheat' the surgery. I am resolving to tell her the next time I see her and try and figure out the whys and whatfors of my behavior.
I bought a beautiful dress to wear for New Years Eve, and I had to get it altered in December, because it was too big for me. I figured that waiting until then before getting it altered would help insure a good fit for New Years. Well I was ever so wrong! I realized just how wrong on this past Tuesday, and had to dash around trying to find another 'perfect dress' in time! I had one dress in mind that I saw in a magazine and went searching to try and find one to try on to see if I liked it on as much as in the picture. I couldn't find it and I decided to try and just hunt for another suitable dress instead. I found a beautiful black and fuschia dress and for the first time, I thought "WOW! I'm THIN!" when I saw it on in the fitting room. It was such a surprising and wonderful moment for me! I AM NOT FAT ANYMORE! Of course, I still have extra skin and I am sure I will never be completely satisfied that I do not need to lose another 5 pounds or so, but I feel so much more comfortable with saying that I am that girl in the mirror!
What I am REALLY worried about...?
1.) Regaining the weight I have lost.
2.) Waking up & finding out that this all has been a dream.
3.) Continuing with this terrible habit of eating peanut M&Ms!
4.) Replacing my M&M habit with fries or something worse!
5.) Stretching my pouch.
6.) Getting another blockage. OUCH!!!! Thought I was gonna DIE!
7.) That I don't always dump when I think I've overdone it.
8.) That I do dump when I haven't eaten anything bad!
Things I am so excited about:
1.) I can sprint quite a while without being out of breath!
2.) I have very pronounced muscle definition in my arms and shoulders, without going to the gym. Can't wait to see what happens when I start going regularly!
3.) I look good enough to get checked out when I walk down the street!
4.) I still need to "Rebuild my wardrobe", so I can find the cutest little shirts, skirts, sweaters, and jeans, and not feel guilty about buying them!
5.) I spend money that I used to waste on junk food, and fast food on great shoes, and purses!
6.) I feel more confidant in my business dealings, and am a better businesswoman.
7.) I have SO MUCH ENERGY...well most of the time anyways! LOL!
8.) I am now a size 2 or 4 (give or take, depending on the clothes) which allowed me to buy and fit into an extra small sweater for the first time in my life.
9.) I have lost almost 100% of my excess body weight in about 6 months!
Well thats more than enough of an update. I still have yet to post new pictures, but I'm going to try and see about doing that now. Take Care and hope you are doing great! Love Y'all! Yvonne :-)
PS: Barbara and Sara are both doing great as well! They have both surpassed the century mark too!
Saturday, January 22, 2004 2:35 PM
Just wanted to update my profile a little...
I spent a few days in the hospital last week due to kidney stones. OUCH! This has been an extremely painful experience, and now I'm struggling with trying to re-adapt my diet yet again! And apparently, I'm going to have to find alot of new "favorite foods"! It seems that I am going to have to give up or limit my intake of dairy products, peanuts/peanut products, tea, coffee, chocolate, amongst other things. I also am going to have to figure out exactly how much Calcium I can take to keep from getting osteoporosis, but avoid getting more kidney stones! I'm kinda cranky anyways since I am also losing a TON of hair at this point, and I gotta figure out how to get in even more protein to avoid going bald! I was getting in alot of protein through cheeses, yogurt, and peanut butter all of which I gotta cut out, or cut down on to try and avoid getting more stones! It has taken me a full week at home in bed to recover from my surgery for the stones, and I am anxious to get back to work, however; I have had very low energy since I went to the ER. I also gained 11 pounds (probably mostly due to the IV) but I was barely eating in the hospital since I was way too groggy or in a ton of pain. I have managed to drop 3 of them again, but the other 8 seems to be hanging on and won't get lost! GRRR! I'm sure that once I get my energy back it will come off easier, but until then...!
Well that's it for now. I'm excited to see that my updated pictures have finally been added to this profile too! YAY! Until next Time...C'Ya! Yvonne
Sunday, February 6, 2005, 10:55 PM
I'm feeling kinda glum tonight. My husband and I went to my Dads house to watch the Superbowl tonight. Everyone commented on how 'thin' I am getting. My dad said that I really need to "stop losing weight"(again!) I know that I am getting slim, but I feel so darn frustrated since I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and I'm STILL losing.
I feel like I must be losing my damn mind! Some days when I get on the scale I think 'Yay! I'm still losing weight!' but then I realize that 'Oh wait! I'm NOT supposed to be losing anymore! 'GRR! This is SO much harder (mentally) than it seems!
I am eating like a pig, and I am disgusted by how much food I can and do eat. I am almost constantly eating. I eat too much junk food now too. I have been eating Doritos, and S/F Cookies lately, and cannot seem to fight the urge to snack. I know that the snacking will probably help to stop or at least slow down my weight loss, but I still feel such incredible guilt for eating these 'bad foods'.
I'm also wondering if once I start working out, will I GAIN weight? I mean I know that muscle weighs more than fat, but does that mean I will finlly stop losing pounds or will it increase my weight loss at first? It occurs to me that maybe that is just me making more excuses to be lazy about getting into an exercise program. I just don't know anymore.
I had a good morning and afternoon. I got the Sunday papers and breakfast for my DH and myself, and then we went shopping, before going to my Dads'. I bought myself a few tops and an exercise outfit (so I will have no more lame excuses to go workout!). It was kinda strange shopping with my DH this weekend for clothes. I tried on a few pairs of JUNIORS/SIZE 3(!) jeans and they fit, but a few pairs were kinda loose. So I tried those ones on in a Size 1 and they seemed a little snug to me. Hmmm... The tops I am buying now are all smalls, extra-smalls, or come from the children's department. I feel like I must be dreaming sometimes! How can it be that I WEAR KIDS SIZES?
I hope that no one thinks that I am boastful by commenting on my body, and my weight loss progress. I am actually quite confused by all of these changes! I cannot help but be horrified by thoughts of gaining weight back. I KNOW that it is well documented that WLS patients can expect a 10% weight regain within 2 years of surgery, but I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of that. I fought so damned hard to lose this weight, and I don't want ANY of it back!
My hair continues to fall out, but I have been steadily increasing my protein. I am drinking the shakes again, and eating tons of protein rich foods and protein bars. I know that right now I am fighting with TWO key things (besides my screwed up body issues!). The first is that I am struggling with not eating and drinking together. I feel like I must drink often or I will choke on my food. The second is that I have been lax and lazy about getting in structured exercise (ie; Going to the gym to workout, or running around the track at the park across the street.). I guess what I am saying is that basically I feel out of control and I HATE it!
Well thats more than enough gripin' and bitchin' for tonight. I'm sure that there are tons of things for me to do (and that I've been steadfastly ignoring!). 'Til next time. Yvonne
Friday, March 25th, 2005 10:16 AM
I haven't checked in or added anything to my profile recently, so I thought I'd try and add a quick update.
I've been going to the gym for around a month now, and I LOVE it! NEVER thought I'd think exercise was fun! I 'm taking four classes at the gym now (I had to drop out of spinning class because my heart can't handle it!). I'm trying to replace the class I dropped with strength training since my muscles are not as strong as the used to be before WLS (I know that my extended healing time has alot to do with that!).
My heart is going a bit crazy, so I have been going to a cardiologist and another heart specialist to try and isolate what is causing my heart to suddenly speed up, and unexplicably slow down until I'm ready to faint. I'm on a heart pill, but it makes my already low blood pressure drop even more, thus making me feel very lethargic. (Of course, I'm fighting that by going to the gym!) I would love to get rid of the tachycardia (rapid heart beat)especially since its accompanying symtoms are horrible! (severe chest pain, dizziness, shortness of breath and drenching sweats.) I've also been experiencing skipped heart beats according to the many tests I've been going through. I'm also having my Parathyroid Hormone levels tested since my blood calcium levels are extremely high, although my cardiologist doesn't think that it is the root of my heart problems.
On the good side, my weight loss is continuing. It has slowed down to about a pound every week or so. This has made everyone very happy since they were concerned that to them I'm getting very thin. (I don't think so, but that a whole different issue.)
My hair loss has finally slowed down, especially since I found a great protein bar that I really LOVE! (They are called BIG CRUNCH Bars and they are made by GLenny's. I like the peanut caramel ones.) I actually salivate when I think of getting to have one! LOL! Go Figure! I have been craving Sugar Free, Nonfat Ice Cream and Protein Bars for several weeks now which is healthy at least.
My blood levels are excellent according to my surgeon and PCP. I'm pretty diligent with taking my meds and vitamins (except for my iron, which I haven't taken in months -BAD ME!). I guess I'm getting enough elemental iron in my diet, which is rare for bariatric patients. BUT- Why would I be NORMAL?? I'm waiting to hear back from the urologist to see if I'm still making more kidney stones. I went for a Renal U/S on Wednesday so keep your fingers crossed for me! Every doctor keeps wanting to do blood tests which kinda sux, since I've got this defiantly bad veins!
But what are you gonna do?!?!
My husband keeps wondering about when we are going to have a baby, and when am I going to have my ps. I don't know! I know that I need a breast lift and implants, as well as a tummy tuck, but I know that the smart thing to do is to wait until I have kids before doing that. I know I will feel more comfortable and confident of my body after the ps though, so its hard! Right now I'm dreading swimsuit shopping. How the heck am I going to find something that flatters me while hiding my droopy boobs and extra skin? I wonder if maybe everybody at the beach would be willing to wear blackout sunglasses...?!?!
The mental stuff is a quagmire for me. I'm struggling with my weight issues as well as several other things going on in my life. I'm terrified of gaining weight - ANY weight! I have panic attacks over it. Everyone tells me to relax and calm down, but it's not that simple. I'm dealing with relationship trouble right now too. My husband and I have not been getting along, and alot of the time we argue or ignore each other. We are also having some personal finance problems and they are not making things better. I'm trying to get through to him, but I just don't know how much more I can handle. He acts very jealous of everything I do. He HATES me going to the gym and to support group meetings. He has been trying to undermine my resolve and confidence by telling me that I need to be doing other things. I am still trying to explain to him that I NEED to do these things for myself, but he does not want to hear what I'm saying. He told me the other night he wants me to go and get a job. He doesn't seem to appreciate all of the work I do around the house and for our handcraft business. I am mentally exhausted, and I can only dream of being able to get some decent sleep. My doctors think that I am struggling too much with my life as it is to add anything else to my already overburdened schedule. I'm feeling so damn emotionally fragile! I hate being such a baby, but all I do lately is cry. It would be so great to just disappear sometimes ya know?
Well that's enough for now...hopefully next time I check in I'll have more positive news...Until then...Yvonne
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005 5PM
Yesterday was my Re-Birth Day! I am officially one year post-op, and WOW! what a long, strange trip its been! I look in the mirror and see all the things that have changed physically and I thank God and my surgeon. Then I look deeper inside and see all the changes I have made mentally and thank both God and myself for the strength and for the fortitude to keep working on all the the issues I have struggled with.
I am amazed and awed sometimes just thinking about how much weight I've lost in one year. I have actually lost an entire person. 118 pounds. OMG!
I am mostly content with my weight loss now, and have accepted that I am at the weight I will (hopefully) remain until I get get pregnant. I am wearing a size 2 or 4, and it gets tough sometimes to find clothes that fit me but that is okay with me. I used to have the same problem pre-op but it was because I was bigger than the average clothes size that many mall stores carry. Now I just have had to adjust my thinking a little to the other end of the spectrum.
I have made my peace with the emotional troubles I am having with my husband and I am trying to work things out with him to keep our marraige intact. It is a struggle everyday, but I think that in the end it will be worth it no matter what happens. I have read recently that a large number of relationships fail after WLS if they are not strong to begin with. I did not want to face the fact that my relationship was struggling along before my surgery, and in some ways I think I was and still am sometimes shocked to be fighting to keep it together. I am at least strong enough to be okay no matter what life brings me.I thank God and all of my supportive friends and my family who are behind me.
I am still struggling to not backslide into many of my old habits. I am still struggling with eating and drinking together and I know that I really have to find the strength to overcome this battle so I don't regain my weight. I also find that I tend to try and eat something sweet after each meal. I am falling back into my old pattern of wanting dessert after every meal. I have given myself limited permission to 'indulge'...I treat myself to a little bit of sugar free, nonfat ice cream, some gum or s/f candy, or sometimes even a chewable vitamin (talk about playing head games with myself! LOL!) to satisfy my craving for sweets. I also am grazing too much, although both my doctor and nutritionist both say not to worry too much since I have not gained any substantial weight from it.
I am yo-yoing a little weight-wise. I have about 7 pounds that comes and goes throughout the month. In group, most of the women say that this is normal due to my cycle, but it scares me just the same! I couldn't button my jeans the other day! (Of course, my 'friend' came the following day!) My periods have also become different. They are REALLY long and heavy the last two months. I probably should mention that when I go to the doctor next week too!
I have been takling my vitamins and meds like I am suppossed to, although I have a sneaking suspicion that I am becoming anemic. I have an appointment to get my blood tested again next week. My heart is still giving me quite a bit of trouble. I have been suffering arrythmia, due to leaking valves in my heart. It is not bad enough to need surgery (Thank God!), but just enough to cause PAIN, and several fainting spells. My rotten kidney stones came back again, but this time I was able to pass them, and the ultrasound I had last month says that they are still not back. (YAY!)
Well that is all I think...I AM supposed to be working right now, but I decided to update my profile while I was thinking about it instead! LOL! Hope that you are all Well and God Bless! :-) Yvonne
August 9th, 2005 8:30AM
Just wanted to share my GREAT news...!
I am PREGNANT!
After NINE years of infertility, my wls, and a really rough period after that, My wls IS a SUCCESS! I chiefly wanted bariatric surgery so I could conceive a child, and here I am! I am due sometime in February or March. There is some discrepancy to how far along I am, especially since I already appear to be 'showing' a little even though I think I'm only two months pregnant. I guess its its probably because I was wearing a size 0, prior to becoming pregnant, that I'm showing pretty quickly. I'm scared and excited and more than a little freaked out by this, but I just can't wait to see my baby! WOW!
I hope you are all having a great day too. I keep you all in my daily prayers! Wishing y'all a good day!
Take Care! Yvonne
Sunday, March 25th, 2007
While its been awhile since I've updated, I know that some of my updates have been lost somehow between the last entry and this one. So I'll just post some news here...
I had a little girl on March 1st, 2006 after an easy labor.
My daughter was born 5 weeks premature, but she is a trooper and came home from the NICU in record time. There are no words I can ever say here to tell you how much I love her. Everyday I look at her little face and realize anew what a wonder she is.
I gained 26 pounds during my pregnancy, and by some miracle, I left the hospital with only 6 of those pounds left to lose! I was a bit afraid (during my pregnancy) that I wouldn't be able to take off the weight I had to put on to insure a healthy baby, and yet here I was, almost done. I thought WooHoo! I went to the gym as soon as I was ok'd by the doctor and got back to my pre-pregnancy weight very quickly.
Then my class got cancelled and I stopped going to the gym. It was pretty easy to ignore that I might be sliding into unhealthy territory, especially since I was wrapped up in taking care of a tiny, colicky baby. I ate all kinds of junk, and felt like I couldn't eat enough. Sometimes I felt panicky about the sheer amount of food I wanted to eat! In retrospect, I think that breastfeeding probably caused that.
However, with running around after a new baby and breastfeeding burning up my calories, and the surgery reducing both my intake, and my absorption, I ended up losing a lot more than I should have. I was VERY underweight for awhile, which was something I NEVER thought I'd say! At my lowest I was 104 pounds. My BMI was 16.3 and I was beyond TIRED. I really had to struggle to put some weight back on. I did not want to stop breastfeeding my daughter because she has had alot of issues with milk and soy allergies, and she couldn't tolerate any of the formulas we tried.
After a long struggle and alot of food, I finally have reached a healthier weight. My BMI is at a healthy 19.9. I have also begun exercising at least 30 minutes again. I feel and look alot better.
I am currently weaning my daughter, (since she is at a good weight and is now a year old) and I am a little worried that I have gotten into the habit of eating more than I was before. I hope that I can redevelop healthy eating habits so I can maintain a healthy weight for me.
Now here is my disclaimer....
I am not telling anyone my story to encourage or discourage anyone from doing what is best for themselves. I am just being honest about how my journey has been. I do not compare myself to anyone or say that I am smaller or bigger than anyone else who has had this surgery. I only compare myself to myself and want to feel and (YES!) look good compared to the person I was before my surgery. I want to bring my family up to be healthier and to stop what could be a vicious cycle of unhealthy habits. I want to be a good role model to my daughter, and any other children we hope to have.
 
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