This is a continuation of my original journal which can be found at : http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=D1050938383&NoStatic=1

WHEN YOU LOSE, DON'T LOSE THE "LESSON"

My Surgery Date was August 6, 2003 - 283 lbs.

Weight Loss Chart
February 27, 2004 - 213 lbs - 70 lbs lost
March 19, 2004 - 207 lbs - 76 lbs lost
April 30, 2004 - 199 lbs - 84 lbs lost
May 31, 2004 - 197 lbs - 86 lbs lost
June 25, 2004 - 189 lbs - 92 lbs lost
July 29, 2004 - 189 lbs - 92 lbs lost
August 19, 2004 - 186 lbs - 97 lbs lost
September 21, 2004 - 183 lbs - 100 lbs lost - FINALLY!
October 12, 2004 - 190 lbs - 91 lbs lost
November 17, 2004 - 190 lbs - 91 lbs lost
December 3, 2004 - 179 lbs - 104 lbs lost
January 10,2005 - 186 lbs - 97 lbs lost
January 27, 2005 - 188 lbs - What a failure!
February 28, 2005 - 191 lbs - failure again!
March 30, 2005 - 190 lbs
May 25, 2005 - 189 lbs
June - July 2005 - 187 lbs
August 2005 - 189 lbs - still a failure of course
September 2005 - 188 lbs
November 2005 - 186 lbs
January 2006 - 193 lbs.
April 2006 - 203 lbs

My Weight Loss Journey (Part Two):

February 9, 2004

Well, here is the second part of my journal. Looks like no matter WHAT I do.... exercise, eat right, eat wrong... it does not MATTER.... I still only lose a few lbs per month around the time of my "monthly" cycle.

I wonder if my stomach is EVER going to dissappear? My legs and my arms are getting like "sticks" with skin hanging off of course... but my stomach is hanging in there. I need a girdle.

February 13, 2004

I guess my losses for this month amount to all of 4 lbs. I tell you this is really a STRUGGLE and I have been being really good lately. I am in a lot better shape physically than I was before, but I still long for the day I will be under 200 lbs.

I guess I should be thankful that I am well... no more "episodes" of sickness to report after the kidney stones.

February 21, 2004

DID I ACTUALLY SAY I HAD NOT BEEN SICK? I must have lost my mind when I wrote that!! Dr. Papasavas called it "Laproscopic Repair of Internal Hernia". I started vomiting and the next thing I know I am at the emergency room and next emergency surgery. My small intestines had moved all around and the doctor said he had to pull it back into place and re-stitch me a little on the inside. Oh God! I got past the surgery and went home and everything was fine for a "minute".

Next day I am at Dr. Papasavas's office "dry heaving" again.... then admitted to the hospital "again"... I have been nauseated ever since and I have not eaten in 6 days. Well, of course I lost some weight... 10 lbs. But I sure am doing it the wrong way... and the way my luck is running with this current "rapid weight loss" my gallbladder will be next. It is funny but my daughter said to me "don't say that"... but that is what I am thinking.

When will life give me a break? When? When? When?

February 27, 2004

Well, since I have been home from the hospital I have gained steadily back the weight that I lost when I was sick. I am thinking that some of it is water weight gain because I can never drink all the water that I should be drinking on a daily basis.... especially by the time I am done drinking coffee off and on all day.

I am still SORE from the surgery. This has been the most "painful" incident so far.... like I really had abdominal surgery this time. Oh well.... whatever.... whatever happens! I have no choice but to roll with the punches.

March 4, 2004

Well, I saw Dr. Papasavas today and he is still "pleased" with my weight loss. Why do I feel like that is such a JOKE? I told him that I was down to 205 lbs when he let me go from the hospital and that I gained it all back in 2 lb increments.... even the first 4 days home when I bearly ate anything... his answer was that "I would lose it again". Yeah, whatever.... who the heck wants to keep losing the same pounds over and over again.

MORE GOOD NEWS!!!!! He saw on a CT Scan that I had during my last hospital visit that I still have a kidney stone in the left kidney.... 3 MM this time... The original one being 10 MM.... so I guess they did not get all of it.

Now what are they going to want to do to me? I see the urologist on Monday. My life.... Oh God.... another Stent? Lithotripsy again? I am just so tired... so tired... so tired.... I wonder if this stone is the reason for water retention. Oh God, my life is something to be "endured" anymore... not lived or enjoyed.

March 8, 2004

Well, my urologist appointment was postponed because the doctor is out of town. Just prolonging the AGONY I guess. And in the MIDST OF THE MADNESS here I am trying my hardest to lose a few lbs. I have been staying away from salt and taking water pills. I am going to give the water pills a rest today because of course they make my back/kidneys hurt.

How did I turn into a full time "hospital patient"?

March 11, 2004

NO TREATMENT!!! That is what the urologist said to me about the 3 MM kidney stone that I still have left... that it was probably a fragment from the bigger one and that if it does want to pass it is small enough. He said it might hurt a bit if it comes out but it will pass. Call him back... as needed.... other than that I am free of the urologist... Hallejuah and STAY AWAY FROM MY URINARY TRACT. That is a god awful thing and the treatments for kidney stones are AWFUL.

Can I concentrate on weight loss now for awhile and try to stay well for awhile? We shall see...

March 17, 2004

Well I took a water pill yesterday and drank tons of water and a protein drink and I lost 5 lbs overnight. I wonder if my kidneys are functioning properly? I KNOW it has to be water weight and I lost 5 lbs overnight. I tell you, this kidney business is really a worry for me.

Oh well, I am going to Curves today. I have to get an exercise program going that I can stick with and I think Curves will be okay for me. It sort of reminds me of "Walk Away the Pounds". The machines do not look hard to do like the ones at Bally's or a regular gym. We shall see how it goes.

March 19, 2004

Well I have been on a "losing streak". Maybe I can make it back down to what I was the last time I got out of the hospital. I wonder what is going on? Maybe it is Curves or maybe it is that I have not had much of an appetite for a couple of days. That is a good thing! I always pray nothing happens to me when I go through my times when I am losing weight. So many BAD things have happened to me since I had this surgery. Oh well, I guess things were not as bad as they could have been... at least I am still alive.

April 20, 2004

I don't know if I have deserted the weight loss cause or if it has deserted me. It has been a LONG time since I lost anything... I mean a long time. At least I have not been sick though... but I am having trouble not eating so much. I could eat and eat and eat... maybe not a lot at one time, but if you graze all day long you can pack it in.

Needless to say... I am dissappointed... blah, blah, blah... I been saying that same thing since I had the weight loss surgery. Maybe I will NEVER be under 200 lbs.

April 26, 2004

As time passes so far I still lose a pound or two. Maybe I will make it... maybe.... I just noticed my previous post where I said I will NEVER make it. My emotions are like a yo-yo... up an down. I feel like I have sacraficed so MUCH for this.... I have been sick off and on since I had this surgery and I have denied myself quite a bit of the food that I LOVE. There was and still is NOTHING in my life that brings me the happiness or the solace that food does. It is a shame... but it is true. All the people in my life do are make me unhappy.... even when I look at myself I am unhappy.

Oh well, whatever....

I did join Curves by the way.... about one month ago. Maybe it is the exercise that is helping... maybe not. I always have that one window of opportunity to lose some weight on a monthly basis. I just hope that window NEVER closes... I have a lot to lose before I am at GOAL. When I get on the scale at Curves (and also at my PCPs office) I am 6 lbs heavier... they have the regular scales... I prefer the scale in my surgeon's office and the one I have at home because they are digital.

My surgeon's office told me that they would "call me" when they wanted me to come in and see the doctor again. Isn't that wild? I have NEVER heard of anything like that before. I wonder if they are gonna really call and schedule me. I guess I am far enough away from the surgery now that I don't need to see the surgeon on a regular basis like that anymore... but my PCP doctor does not really seem to know that much about this weight loss surgery.

May 10, 2004

Well I need to get far enough BELOW 200 so that every time I gain 1 lb I won't be above 200 again. I woke up this morning at 199. Whatever... I got to get BACK TO WORK!!! on this weight loss thing.

I am suppose to start a temporary job next Monday at $8.50 an hour. Is that a joke? I made $14.36 at UST&D. I see those fools I use to work with around the neighborhood and all they do is complain about UST&D. I complained about the place but I NEVER wanted to lose my job there. I will NEVER get $14 an hour EVER again in my life. Just thinking about that depresses me beyond belief.

May 19, 2004

Well, I don't know why I put my life back to the way it was before except for the fact that I guess I can't find anyone else to be with other than Pete. I found a new house and I have to get the first month's rent and security deposit together all by myself and it is $1500. If I can do that ALONE what did I need Pete back in my house for? I tell you, I must have PANICKED when they said I was laid off from UST&D.

I like my little temporary job but the money part of it makes me SICK to my stomach. I know I am worth more than $8.50 an hour but that is life I guess. I should have known that the years at UST&D were too good to be true. What made me think they would EVER keep me as a worker? I sat there the entire 5 years and the place was a revolving door of employees. I should have KNOWN they would eventually get rid of me. I should have known... sigh.... it is a shame after 6+ months my jaws are still tight about losing my job.

I wonder if I will ever have lost 100 lbs. The weight loss is REAL SLOW now but at least I still lose weight during my one time of the month... right before my monthly episode. Hopefully this will continue to happen for months and months to come. I am finally starting to appreciate what I see when I look in the mirror. I have never felt like that about myself... EVER!!!! I still have a ways to go though... maybe try to lose at least 25 - 30 more lbs. That will take MONTHS for me to do but maybe it will happen. My "window of opportunity" is going to close soon I am sure... it has almost been a year since I had the surgery.

May 25, 2004

Well, the window of opportunity closed on me at 4 lbs this month. I guess that is something to be thankful for. I have read so many articles lately about people who have had this surgery and did not lose half as much as I lost. I probably could have lost MORE had I not been side tracked along the way with foolishness.... if you want to lose you have to give up CARBS!!!! Especially the BAD ones... and I ate a lot of things down through the months that I shouldn't have eaten.

At least I now look better and if I did not lose another pound I think I would be happy... but then again NOT! I want to at least be the 183 lbs that the doctor wants me to be and the way my body is it will take MONTHS to lose 10 lbs. But I actually "feel" thin for the first time in my life.

May 31, 2004

You eat the LEAST little thing WRONG and you put back on the pounds. It is amazing how "touchy" the body is. I can't even afford to NOT get on the scale EVERY DAY!!! Whenever I do not get on the scale EVERY DAY I seem to gain weight! I have to watch... WATCH... WATCH....

I ate chocolate covered raisins... Oh MY GOD! I was SICKER than I have EVER been since I had this surgery. I also was sick the next day.... like I had a "hangover"... like I had drank an entire bottle of alcohol. Now I get a hangover from chocolate. God Strengthen me to NEVER do that again. Maybe if I had only had a "few" of them but I seem to still be "compelled" to eat the entire box. Old habits die HARD!!!

June 4, 2004

Well, I can't believe where my weight is on this day! I actually don't mind looking at myself in the mirror now... but I look BETTER with my clothes ON... but I do look better. I feel okay I guess... not sleeping well because of a new house. I just have to get use to being there.

I have been exercising as much as I can, but I just don't see where I am getting stronger. I feel like I am weaker! I am a little concerned about that too... just a little....

June 10, 2004

I can't believe that when I look in the mirror now I am not so "appalled" at what I see. I actually look better to myself and I did not think that would EVER happen in my lifetime. I always HATED my looks and that was for sure.

I am getting so now that I look at other obese people in a different light. I want to run up to them and tell them that this surgery could straighten out their lives. I am not always PLEASED with my results but when I look at my life and my appearance "overall".... I know that "overall" I am a lot better. My arthritis still bothers me quite a bit and I don't know if I could make it if I had all that weight back on me to carry around on these aching joints... I actually wonder HOW I made it before.

I just wish God would help me with the rest of my life. The only thing I have EVER wanted to do was "take care of myself". Why do I ALWAYS wind up depending on someone else (Pete/Husband/I want a DIVORCE) to take care of me? Oh well, I guess this is a direct result of how I lived my younger life... threw it away instead of being out there working a full-time permanent job. But then again there are people who get laid off after 25+ years of service... so maybe that would not have been the answer either.

I was talking with a woman at the place where I am doing temporary work... she is a very small woman and I was telling her how nice she looks... she is short and small. I told her that I hated being big. She actually looked at me and said that I was "not big". Just that simple thing did wonders for my self-esteem. I guess I am not that big after all anymore... I just wish I could get a little lower than just under 200 lbs. I am almost down to my bones though... you can readily feel them now... so I guess I am not going to get that much smaller, but I would like to lose more of my "middle"... stomach and rear. I should be rich so I could get liposuction and a makeover... I am dreaming.

June 14, 2003

Well I had an ob/gyn appointment this day and I skipped it because I am still at this job with the "little salary". They asked me to stay longer than just the end of June today and I said yes as long as it does not interfere with vacation this summer.

Well I ate a donut over the weekend... what was the point? The scale went UP a notch and it did not taste as good as I thought it would. I am lucky I did not get sick... If only I could GET MY MIND RIGHT.... Why do I spend so much time thinking about eating the wrong foods. It is WEIRD the way my mind works... thinking about candy, cookies, cake, etc. Then when you get it you don't even feel good about eating it and it makes you GAIN WEIGHT!!! I tell you this food addiction is WORSE than cocaine... your MIND gets addicted more than your body.

June 15, 2004

I keep RUSHING and waiting for my time of the month when I lose weight! I have been really trying these past few days and really it is too early in the month yet.

Well my daughter lost her job today. She takes off work too much for all the WRONG reasons. They let me go from my job and I went EVERY DAY and even when I was sick.... I showed up and tried to be on time. Foolishness got her FIRED! Sigh! Oh well, that is the end of the babysitting money that her and I were splitting since she is not working. Hopefully God will grant her another job soon... or at least unemployment... We shall see....

Sigh... I am tired and I want cookies BAD. God, Please strengthen me?

I had 4 tootsie rolls last night... they sure were good and I am lucky I did not get sick... and I was 1 lb. smaller this morning. Who knows what is on my body's mind????

June 16, 2004

Well, Tanya BEGGED and got her job back. That is the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard of. If you want the job go every day on time... and then you won't have to beg. SIGH!!

June 22, 2004

It is amazing the battle that I still have with water weight. I can gain/lose between 2 and 4 lbs at any given time during the month and it is all water weight. I know that it is because if I go even 2 days without diuretics it re-accumulates. It is kind of spookey... and I got this AWFUL leg cramp.... worse than ANY I have EVER had last week and I believe that it was from too many diuretics. I often got leg cramps with diuretics before.

I tell you, I may "look brand new" but I still FEEL like an old woman... at least I am not gaining... not losing but not gaining either. When you touch me a lot of places you can feel "bone". I am not going to get much smaller anyway... I can't lose my bones.

June 23, 2004

I don't know what happened to me last night but my body surely had a "hissy-fit". I broke out in a sweat like NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE. I have NEVER felt like that... it was like something "coming to a head".... I tell you, I don't know how to explain it. The feeling woke me up,lasted for about ten minutes and then it went away and I went back to sleep.

I had some ice cream yesterday.... do you think it made me THAT sick? I have had ice cream before... I mean REAL ICE CREAM... not those water-sicles that I am forever eating that have no sugar in them. When I got up this morning I had lost 1 lb. and am feeling okay.... at work.

You can feel my bones everywhere you touch me now. I wonder when I am going to stop losing... or if I will stop losing... you lose weight and you don't even follow the rules strictly. It was a little frightening... things always are since I had this surgery... I know I am not at my goal weight yet or even the 183 lbs that the doctor wanted me to be at, but to be truthful I could live the rest of my life like I am now. I really do not look bad for the FIRST time in my life. My BMI is 29.9 and on the BMI Chart that indicates that I am no longer Obese but merely "Overweight". I never thought I would be thankful to just be "overweight".

Thank God for that... even if I am periodically sick.

June 28, 2004

I just can't believe it! Someone walked past the desk I am sitting at here on this temporary job and said, "Hello, Miss Fashion Plate". What a MIRACLE in my life! If she had seen me one year ago she would have called me "Big E" like they use to at UST&D.

June 29, 2004

They really TEST you at work.... they have birthday cake today. That has got to be my all time favorite. Lord keep me strong... I am sitting here obsessing about it. I am feeling so down today also and a piece of cake would sure brighten the day... but I am also FAT today so I guess I will NOT eat any.

4:18 PM - I went and had snack well cookies out of the vending machine... like that is any better than the cake laying on the table. I may as well have had the cake... at least it was FREE. I am just so disgusted today about Tanya and her "love life with Alex (her boyfriend)" that I could probably EAT THE WORLD!

I guess there will NEVER be a time in my life when I do not use food as a "coping mechanism".

July 7, 2004

Well I saw Dr. Papasavas yesterday and he was dying to know what I ate when I "cheated". My weight in his office was AWFUL yesterday (198 lbs). Seeing him and talking with him I feel "renewed on my purpose" and that is to LOSE MORE WEIGHT! I see him again in 6 months and I hope by then I will be better.

He said I was a little "obsessed" with keeping that weight chart that I do on a daily basis. I guess I am... but that is just the way it is for me. This just ain't EASY!

We also had an interesting discussion about how people treat you "differently" when you lose weight. I will NEVER understand that as long as I live. I am still the same person.

July 17, 2004

Well, life is HATEFUL as per usual. They are starting to pick with me on this temporary assignment. I knew that mess was going to start. Makes me want to quit working... that is for sure. I guess you know that is IMPOSSIBLE especially considering that Tanya REALLY LOST HER JOB yesterday. Pete is a pain in the rear as per usual. Every day I wish I did not live with him. I still hate him and he is still ignorant. I am sorry that I did not move in with Tanya or something but I guess her and I would not get along too well either. The "thing" is to have your own place. There will never be a living situation better than that.

The weight is up and down according to how much I eat. I won't have an overeating problem right now though considering that we have NO FOOD. I tell you, God must hate me.

July 22, 2004

I had a job interview today and I said to Pete as I left out of the door.... "I will see if my surgery 'pays off'"... you know they pick you on looks when you interview for a job. I have NEVER in my life gotten a job after an interview. I always had to work there as a temporary worker first so that they could see my working capabilities before they hired me. NO ONE ever hired me on looks.... well, the interview was at the Jaguar Dealership and I guess you know it was a WASTE of time. Just because I am "thinner" it has NOT changed the color of my skin.

I am shrinking again... I just hope I don't get disgusted and not maintain my weight loss up to here. I need to lose these last few pounds and get it over with. It would be nice to be 160 or 155... that means lose around 30 more pounds or so. Somehow this LATE in the game... I will be a year from surgery August 6, 2004... seems IMPOSSIBLE. We shall see.

Well, I ate so much this weekend at one time that I actually felt sick. Why am I still doing that to myself? Why?

I am so DISGUSTED with my life... I am sick and TIRED of working... every day I have to get up and go out for chump change... I made more on unemployment... while my husband sits at home and gets to enjoy the house. I am never home... why? Why do I have to be the one that gets up every morning? Then you go to work to get treated like TRASH on the job...

I am so tired... so tired... so tired.... and I can't get over how much I mistreat myself on this eating tip. When I look in the mirror I still see the fat person yet I do not eat as I should... or eat constantly on the weekends. It is sad... so, so sad to be so disgusted with your life and to feel so helpless to change things. Nothing ever changes for me... not for the better anyway.

July 27, 2004

I am so DISGUSTED and DEPRESSED with the way my life is going! I can't believe how unhappy I am. After posting on the Q&A here they told me that I needed counseling. I have spent hours and hours in counseling myself and still do NOT feel any different about my life. I feel like NOTHING will EVER change the way things are for me... NOTHING.... Feeling like I do now... most of the time... It is a MIRACLE that I have NOT gained back more than just a couple of pounds. I am so CLOSE to goal too... you would think that I could lose the last of the weight and be done with it.

I still always feel like in my life that NO ONE likes me. Unless you do what people "want" you to do they shut you OUT. Why is it so HARD to make "real" friends? I am so tired of being cooped up in the house with Pete and having only him to talk to. I am TIRED of talking about stupid things... I am STARVED for intelligent conversation... but I still do not make any friends.

I thought that the Black ladies here on this temporary assignment were really interested in being friends with me... I should have known better. Now that I do not want the part time position here that they are offering me I am getting the cold shoulder. Whatever... I always get mistreated at work so what difference does it make... and I always thought I had no friends because I was FAT. Well, I guess it is something else about me that is turning everyone off.

August 9, 2004

Well when you are poor and you have no food to eat but bread and pasta you are messed up! I was 198 lbs this morning. It is just amazing how FAST you can get fat when you eat the WRONG things. Oh well, maybe I will have some money for food before the end of the week. Meanwhile you would think since I am not eating too much that I would lose instead of gain... but it is "what" you eat that matters.

I tell you, things are BAD, BAD, BAD..... I don't think I have EVER been this broke. I mean I have NO money, no food, no gas for the car... NOTHING!

August 28, 2004

Well, Big Chauncy is back.... I guess you know Tanya has kicked me to the curb. I just don't feel like Pete is "family" because he turns on me in the drop of a hat. I just wonder why if he is so tired of me that he does not go on about his business? Or is he just talking trash to make my life more MISERY than it already is... and what is the point? Tanya and those kids are the only REAL family that I have... and that is for SURE!

I am lonely and still unemployed.

August 31, 2004

It always amazes me how BAD my life is and it just "ain't" getting no better. If I were anything like I use to be I would be in the hospital for attempting suicide or something.... that is just how miserable I am. Oh well.... who cares anyway...

September 20, 2004

Well, I am still 186 lbs... the lowest weight I have been since surgery. It is EASY to maintain the weight loss when there is NO FOOD in your house. Whatever... still no job... so what do I expect.

Everyone has told me today that I look "so nice" and I HATE my life "so much". Tomorrow I will have been married for 14 years to a man that I HATE HIS GUTS! Sigh... I told him straight to his FACE that the only reason I am with him is because I don't have a job.

Every blessed day I wonder why God hates me so much... He must hate me to leave me with my life like this.

September 21, 2004

I finally lost 100 lbs. It sure took a LONG time. I wonder how long this will last before I gain some of it back.

September 30, 2004

Well, I am back up to 193 today. I gained back 10 lbs... but of course I did. I am full of WATER and my leg is swollen. I know I am not drinking enough water... too much coffee and then I am doing an "ice cream" thing and that puts water weight on also. I am NOT sleeping and eating off and on at night.

I am so worried about getting a job. We are so broke and I am so unhappy ALL OF THE TIME and I am constantly tripping about being out of work. I can't relax and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this without losing it for real.

I spent my 14th wedding anniversary crying and sitting outside the house in my car smoking cigarettes. The kids being around keeps me a little sain but it also keeps me tired.

I can't get over the way you have "gas" after weight loss surgery. I was on a temporary assignment one day last week and the maintenance man went in the bathroom behind me and he sprayed air freshener. I know it was because he smelled me. If the gas is not stinking up the room your bowels are. It is kind of embarassing.

I still look FAT when I look in the mirror and I am so tired of dieting... watching every little thing. It is depressing.... well everything is depressing to me right now. Always crying the blues.... my croakings of DOOM!!!

Seriously though... all B.S. aside... things are BAD. I have never been this broke with NO PROSPECTS of making any "extra" money. It is a sobering thing when there is NO FOOD in the refrigerator. At least the rent gets paid... at least we can sit in the house.... "with nothing...."

October 3, 2004

Well I got up 7 AM this morning (Sunday morning) to Pete cursing me and telling me to get out. I tell you with no job and nowhere to go DEATH looks pretty good to me sometimes. What else can I do? No cash to move... no job... no nothing... I keep telling him if I had a job I would be gone... somehow telling him to his face makes me feel better. At least I got all my cards laid out on the table.

I have had the sugar blues a LOT lately... have not been on the scale. Food might not be the answer to my problems but SUGAR sure makes the problems less problematic... or makes them seem that way. I tell you... it's too bad... and I still can't figure out why God does not hear my cries for HELP out of this mess that is suppose to be my "life".

Tanya has no job either. How is she gonna make it with 3 kids and no job? What are either of us going to do? I wish I could go live with her rather than stay with Pete but she does not want to be bothered with me. Not really.... acts like every time I call her house that I am "intruding". Well, she is grown and I guess I am the "intruder"... just the same way I use to feel about my own mother. I guess God is paying me back... or the Devil or whomever causes BAD things in your life.

I heard on the TV that President Bush has lost more jobs than any president in 75 years.

October 4, 2004

Well, I got up this morning and I weighed 196 lbs. I have gained 13 lbs in only a couple of days. I sure am GOOD at destroying myself! That is all I have ever been good at.

October 13, 2004

Well I am losing weight again.... it is easy when there is NO FOOD! You can even eat sugar and lose weight if you don't have any food to eat.

I tell you my life is going from bad to worse.

October 18, 2004

I heard on the news this morning that there was a poll and White people have 11% more wealth than Hispanics and 14% more wealth than Blacks. HUMPF! Figures!

I was on the scale at my one day temp job and I was 194 on the scale with clothes and shoes on. I must be pretty good naked!

November 3, 2004

Well I am still feeling NEGATIVE as HELL about life. I weigh 190 naked.... had weight loss surgery and can't even maintain a 100 lb loss. Whatever! Still no jobs... no nothing... unemployment again... maybe?

November 17, 2004

I have been 190 lbs for a long time now. I guess the weight loss business is over for me.... especially considering that my "candy/sweet" jones is back in full force. Maybe the weight loss business is a failure for me just like everything else. I was hoping that I would at least lose the 100 lbs and be the 183 the doctor wanted me to be. I was 183 lbs for one day some months ago. Whatever.

I guess if I could get that sweet taste out of my mouth again and just hang with the protein, exercise and water maybe I could get off these last few lbs. I am getting to a point where I HATE water.... and that is not good for me and these kidney stones.

Well, things are the same at home. I am still running around fussing about my personal life. Tanya's life has taken on a new aspect.... Alex hits her now and she is okay with it. Tanya looks just like my mother sitting there with her black eye. It is so sad. Even Pete has sense enough to make my life that miserable.... but then again Pete knows that I would call the police and stick it to him to the full extent of the law also. Tanya sure loves the people who mistreat her. I give up.... I am gonna mind my own business.... it is her life.

December 6, 2004

Well I am smaller than I have ever been. I wonder if I will be able to maintain this weight? It sure is hard at this stage in the game.

I had a spree of protein, low carb and no sugar and it jump started the weight loss for me. Pete and I spent the Thanksgiving Holiday with a so called "friend". Our holiday was a nightmare and she was drunk as a fish and IGNORANT to us the entire 8 days we were there, but her cooking did jump start my losses. I guess you would be drunk drinking vodka, Jim Beam and mixing that with Rum. I hate alcoholics! Oh well, at least her husband was nice and NORMAL, but she interfered with us even socializing with him. Once again, friendships prove to be BS. She was nice enough to give me some things but I was also nice enough to give her some cash... so fair exchange is no robbery... but that drinking bull crap has got to go. She don't have to worry about me anymore... and that is for SURE! I wonder why the f-ing alcoholics always target me for their crap? When I invite people to visit me at my house I treat them with some respect. We got NONE at her house. She was down right rude. It was the worse vacation I have EVER had.

At any rate, when I am NOT losing I complain and when I am losing I am frightened a little. I can actually wear a strapless bra now and I have one hell of a neckline. It is a miracle... but the stomach is still a little big. Oh well, to SPITE my complaints, God is good.

January 10,2005

Well I have been eating like a pig so consequently I have gained weight. The least little bit of anything wrong... the least little bit of sugar puts more weight on me. It is spookey how it melts right back off though as soon as you get back to the basics. I was 193 lbs last week and today I am 186. I have lost 7 lbs in a couple of days. I need to get strict with myself again for awhile.... I see my surgeon next month and it would be nice to at least be back to the 179 that I was when I came back from my HORROR TRIP to Conneticut.

I still think about that "SO CALLED FRIEND" that we went to see that just RUINED our trip and made our lives so damn miserable for the 8 days we were there. I really thought that she was my friend... and she was so ignorant and RUDE. Just thinking about it still hurts because I really thought that she was a friend. No one gives you unconditional love though... NO ONE and I am not even going to try to be friends with anyone anymore. I give up! I will be glad when I stop thinking about her. I hope she quits drinking though... she is a real alcoholic... and had nerve enough to call other people names? GET REAL!!!

My life is so limited though... just Pete and the kids. Lonely and sad....


January 23, 2005


My appointment with Dr. Papasavas is February 8th, 2005. I am NOT going. I was 179 lbs at Thanksgiving and now I am 193 lbs and still eating. It's like a DAILY STRUGGLE not to do "drugs" (my drug of choice being 'food'). I feel like a failure and there's NO EXCUSE except for the STUPID BS that goes in in my head. SIGH!!! What is really wild is I eat CRAP that makes me sick because of the surgery but I eat it anyway! How STUPID is that? My stomach hurts right now... TODAY from the mess I ate yesterday and LATE last night. I always have gas... awful smelly gas.... cramping and constipation... so why am I doing this to myself? I just can't get away from "self-destruct"! It is pathetic... sigh... I ate a fish sandwich last night at 3 AM and stumbled back to bed sick as hell. When I think about that right now I just can't believe how incredibly BAD I treat myself.

The weather this winter is really bothering me. I am so cold ALL the time. I am really sticking close to the house right now with it being so cold. It is almost like I can't take it or something... but that is a symptom/side effect of weight loss... a small price to pay. Maybe that is what I need to keep in the front of my mind... the PRICE I paid to get where I am right now. Why mess this up?

Tanya is having problems galore with Chauncy and Mike. I don't know how she can let two little kids "manipulate" her life. She is the adult and they are the kids. She needs to QUIT rewarding them with new things for their BAD BEHAVIOR... and meanwhile she does not get anything for Tre'Von and he is the baby and still has a good attitude. I told her she better spoil him now before he gets big like Chauncy and Mike. I remember I use to have Chauncy and Mike with me all the time when they were little... and now I don't hardly want to hang with them. I just can't stand being manipulated by a little kid... I am NOT having it... Kids are so different now and they are smart at a real YOUNG age and they know way more than they should at a real young age. It is scarey.

January 27, 2005

Watching the movie "The Human Stain" with Anthony Hopkins and Nicole Kidman... that is such a good movie. Nicole Kidman has a line in the movie that is.... "action is the enemy of thought"... maybe that "thought" is something to hold onto.

I guess I will go and see Dr. Papasavas during the first few days of February... and talk about WHY I have not lost the rest of the weight I should have.

February 27, 2005

Well, I did not go to the doctor as I said I was going to. I had not lose ANYTHING more so I felt it was stupid to go. If I could get my head on right maybe I could stick to my guns.

Well, I am back to smoking cigarettes. Ever since I started that I have not done one bit of exercise. Sometimes I think I must like being a failure... the intelligent part of me knows what I have to do while the other part of me just messes things up all the time.

Tanya's father is in jail. I can't get over it. When I was married to the man he was not that bad.... oh well, I guess he is getting stupider with old age... and drugs.... he needs to get off crack... maybe he could think straight. Now George is skinny.... and he use to be fat. That is the wrong kind of skinny though... crack head skinny. Sigh!

Everyone advises me to see a therapist. I had YEARS of therapy and things NEVER changed. It is also hard to find a therapist that you can really REALLY talk with. Maybe I should visit the therapist in the surgeon's office??? I doubt it though. Like I was saying before I KNOW what I must do but I never do it. I don't have any support or any friends to encourage me to do right either... I wonder why friendship means so much to me? I have NEVER had any friends.

I still think about the girl I met on this obesity/help website who I thought was really a friend.... I still can't get it out of my mind how WEIRD she turned out to be after being so nice. That was it for me though... I give up on "so called friendships".


March 13, 2005

Well, things are kind of okay in my life right now. Tanya has a new job and the kids are okay. I am still doing my daily STRUGGLE not to eat the wrong things. I don't understand how you can FEEL FULL and still want to TASTE other things. It is absolutely ridiculous!

I have really suffered with PAIN this winter... it has snow showered almost EVERY DAY this year and the pain is unreal. I NEVER sleep at night.... toss and turn because when I lay on any side any length of time my hip wakes me up because I am in pain. I can't sleep at all on my back and I can't get on my stomach either and find a good spot for some reason. As per usual, I would give my eye tooth for a night's sleep. It is no use taking "sleep aids" prescription or otherwise! I still do not sleep and when I take pills I have a "drug hangover" the next day. My usual luck with PAIN as my destiny.

March 30, 2005

Life is still miserable as per usual. I just feel so sad for my child. She is just CRAVING a life similar to mine with this nut Pete for a husband. I know why Pete acts stupid... he was hit in the head so hard his brain shifted... but what is the problem with this fool Alex that Tanya is with? Why does she always pick someone their own family does not even want to be bothered with? Sounds like Pete... his family didn't want to be bothered with him either except to take his cash.

Well the weight loss is still pretty easy when I don't eat anything.... I wonder if I could lose the last of my weight now that summer is approaching. At least I can go out and walk. I walked yesterday. It is hard to get back in the "groove". I feel so lazy.

May 2, 2005

No matter how BAD I treat myself... no matter how many WRONG things I eat my body seems to hover around 191 lbs. I guess if it were not for the surgery I would have been FAT like before a long time ago. I had a "dumping" episode the other day that rocked my world... so I guess everything is still in tact.

It is eating me alive the way little Chauncy is stealing. It is absolutely ridiculous! The first time he steals something from me I am going to stop him from coming to my house. SIGH!!! I tell you, the mess is always unbelievable when it comes to Tanya and her children. I wonder what it would be like to have a NORMAL family? I wonder....

Still, there is NEVER any excuse for mistreating yourself... no matter how BASS-ACKWARDS your life is going.

May 25, 2005

Well I am losing weight again... but when you have NO FOOD in the house that is EASY. Same old story with my life... and now my unemployment is over I need a job and OF COURSE there are NONE. The temp agencies blew up the phone when I did NOT want to work and now that I do they will probably NEVER call. I tell you....

Other than that... I am F.I.N.E.... Freaked-Out, Insecure, Neurotic and EMOTIONAL~~~ Back on my "quest" for a job. I tell you, that situation is really BAD and that is for sure. There are NO JOBS to be had... sometimes they don't even read your resume. There are no temporary jobs. I tell you, this situation has me baffled. Pete and I will be living on the bear minimum... on everything!

June 23, 2005

I said to Pete yesterday have you ever known anyone chase a dollar as hard as me? He said, NO... well, I am CHASING MY TAIL this time and getting NOWHERE on the job search. It is so sad... I was in downtown Pittsburgh yesterday and there were NO PEOPLE.... you could even eat in a restaurant at lunch time without a crowd around. All the stores are closed and boarded up... no traffic.... offices for rent because they are empty... so I guess you know I WASTED BUS FARE going down there. It is so sad.

I have been treating myself like trash. I was 195 lbs yesterday. I am so SO worried about money.

June 24, 2005

Well, finally after 2+ years ago losing my job at UST&D I got another job. I start work Monday morning. It is a MIRACLE... I guess at $8 an hour. Tough pill to swallow after making $14.36 an hour... but at least I am working... that alone is a MIRACLE now. I wonder how long this will last.

This is the first time EVER in my ENTIRE LIFE that I have gotten a job from interviewing for it. NO ONE EVER PICKED ME!!! NEVER>>> EVER!!!! I always got my jobs from being a temporary worker there first and them seeing how good I work and keeping me. No one ever picked me on my looks... and you can't tell me that the reason they did not pick me before was NOT that I was FAT. NO ONE picks the fat girl.... EVER!!! It is like you are a second class citizen.

To me, I am still fat. But it is a fat that is not so hard to swallow... once you are over 200 lbs you just turn into something... or someone else... but at least I am still under 200 lbs. Now that I have a job maybe I won't spend my entire day EATING like I am doing now here at home. Eating and BUGGING are my main two activities.

I am still worried about my teeth being so ugly. I wonder if I will ever have the money or the courage to do something about it.

July 2005

I still can't believe I have a job. The "shade of a toothpick beats the hot burning sun"... and that is what the paycheck here is... "the shade of a toothpick..." yet, in still, I feel blessed. At least it is a job that I like and I really do appreciate my job. I always feel like I interview so terribly... but evidently I did better than I thought I did.

"He who possesses the 'Spear of Destiny' holds the fate of the world in his hands....."

August 13, 2005

Life still sucks but at least 2 years after the surgery I have not gained back too much weight. I guess I am going to be 191 lbs for the rest of my life which makes my total weight loss still LESS than 100 lbs. Overall this surgery has been somewhat of a dissappointment, but of course that is my fault. I get so disgusted with my life that I eat thinking that is going to make things better... but of course it does not. For example, I looked at Pete this morning and I ate 2 chocolate chip cookies. Of course I felt SICK afterwards, but for some STRANGE reason getting sick afterwards does NOT stop me from mistreating myself. It is pathetic when you think about it.

I am still searching for a job of course... I can't seem to get one that pays any money. I like working at Brinton Road Self Storage well enough, but they make me mad... they pay people WELL who half do their job and those who try to do a good job get screwed... but isn't it like that all over the place now?

Things are so bad... prices are so high... jobs pay chump change. This world is a mess... and all I want is a place to call my own HOME and I can't seem to get that mess together. I am asking God for a job EVERY DAY and as of yet he is not answering my prayers. I wonder if God thinks that where I am in my life right now is where I should be. I hope not because I am still so blasted unhappy.

Two years after surgery seems the same as the two years before..... Sometimes I wonder if I am a failure because I choose to be... like with this weight loss thing. Am I choosing also not to find a job and get my own life back? I don't think so.....

September 2005

Well, I met another girl from this website.... But after that fake friendship I got from Tove I am not interested in making anymore female friends. At least Yetunde turned out to be a good friend. She is Tanya's age though... and has been a better friend to me than anyone I have met on this site and I have not even met her in person yet.

My memory is getting so bad... I was running around telling the world that Tanya was 27 years old and she is 28 years old. Memory bad and I feel PAIN every blessed minute of every blessed day. I guess I need to give up smoking again but as of yet I have not had the courage/real desire to do it. How foolish can I be with the cigarettes high priced as the dickens??? I am always so good at the things I have NO BUSINESS DOING!!!

I still get awful sick sometimes when I eat the wrong things or too much junk food or whatever. Even this far away from surgery if you don't stick to the "plan" you really pay the price.

September 2005

Still feeling depressed about not finding a DECENT job... if only I could then I could get away... get away.... get away. I guess God has my life planned for me and this is the plan whether I like it or not. It is a shame to be depressed about your living situation every blessed day. At least the bills are getting paid up so that Pete's money can be freer for him. I hate using all his money... at least he hasn't gotten mad lately and told me about it. It doesn't even matter that he doesn't get mad that much anymore... I just want my own and to live by myself. I NEVER have a moment to myself.

Oh well, at least I am not taking my sorrows out on food. I guess I am satisified with the way my weight loss has maintained itself... even though I did not lose as much weight as I should have/or would like to have in the beginning.

I am still getting contacts from this website by girls who want to be friends and after the Tove FIASCO I am done being friends with anyone. I wish I didn't think about her anymore, but I do.... it is like POISON in my system.

October 2005

It is amazing how BAD HABITS DIE SO HARD!!! I ate like a pig yesterday and ate so much candy and sweet stuff that I had a bad taste in my mouth last night... but I slept so GOOD!!! It is a shame that the more I eat the better I sleep.

Doesn't even really make sense to fill yourself up with that trash all the time. I feel like my body is not absorbing it (thank God) and it just sits there in your system. I am forever using milk of magnesia because I have ate too much and feel stuffed.

Thank God for the surgery because I would be back up to 300 lbs. surely by now if it were not for the surgery and the change it has caused in my body. I might not have lost all that I originally wanted to lose and I am still "me" when I look in the mirror, but I look so much BETTER now.

I can't believe that I am back on those stupid cigarettes though. I have got to give them up again and then I know that will spike my appetite also. Thank God I can't eat but so much because I know once I put the cigarettes down the eating will start up again. I am forever having to do things "over" after I already have them licked. I don't know that I will ever be able to give up smoking completely. I have always been a smoker.

October 2005

I went to the ob/gyn doctor and I was 5'5" tall and not 5'7" tall... what is going on? Is my arthritis shrinking me? I was always 5'7" tall... now all of a sudden I am not. Well, this really messes up my BMI or there was something wrong with their scale. I don't really think that is correct!!! I can't wait to see the arthritis doctor in a couple of weeks to verify this.

I need to go back onto my protein diet. I have had the sugar blues really BAD lately.

I am feeling depressed a lot lately... still feeling trapped in the life I have... want to go somewhere to spend some time ALONE just to myself for a minute. All I do is run around looking after Pete, Tre'Von, Tanya, Chauncy and Mike. What am I living for? Why is there nothing for me. I am tired of the struggle. I am tired of being broke and worrying about how to pay the bills and feed everyone. I tell you... sometimes I could just LOSE IT!!! If it is not gone already that is....

I can't believe how many cigarettes I am smoking again. I can thank Tove for clothes and giving me the urge to smoke again. But then again, I guess I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

November 20, 2005

I did not think I would ever get out of that part time job that I had working my tail off at the self storage place... so that someone else could collect the money. It is not that I mind working... I just mind not getting paid or recognition for MY EFFORTS!!! Who wants to make less money than the person you have to correct their mistakes all the time? Oh well, it was something to do until something else came along.

I had a course of prednisone for arthritis and that stuff sure makes the pain go away. I DID NOT gain weight like people always say you are going to taking steroids. We are so broke at home that I actually LOST weight during that month. Well, with a new job maybe I will be able to buy some food... some good NUTRITIOUS foods. I can't believe how many times in the past month that Pete, Tre and I have eaten candy for dinner because there was nothing else to eat. It does not make any sense to me but that is life.

I don't have such a great job and the employees here say that there is not really that much room for advancement in this company, but at least they offer overtime. That will make up for some of the pitfalls... and benefits which will make up for some of the pitfalls also. At least I have my own desk, phone and work area. Those things count for a lot also.

Now if God would grant me the ability to straighten out my life, I would be MORE THAN happy. If only I could get the finances straight... and I don't know why Pete and I always fall into that check cashing loan place pit. We need to give it a rest!

January 18, 2006

Tomorrow I will be 51 years old. I tell you, I know I am not going to live another 50 years so I am on the downside of this thing called "life". I feel like I want to have some more fun before this life is over and fun times are really few and far between right now.

I found another SLAVE JOB. I have to sit at my desk so much to even get a decent paycheck. The company promised to let us work from home and I have been here since November 2005 and have yet to see that happen. The company promised us lots of overtime which I have seen but other than working I don't really have a life. Maybe when the bills are in order I can make arrangements to not work so much. That would be a blessing!

I am tired... always tired. I never sleep and I still feel so much PAIN every day. I have flirted with 200 lbs a couple of times in the past few months but I did give up the cigarettes again. I am going to go back to exercising effective this week if I can. I really enjoyed Curves and if only I could find the time/motivation to go there and re-join I would be happy. I feel too tired to exercise, yet in still I think maybe some exercise will make me feel more motivated. The doctor gave me sleeping pills and I have come to rely on them a lot. I have not had any for two days so I have not slept for 2 days. Terrible situation I always find myself in with regards to sleeping.

It is quite interesting working for MSA. It has a similar set-up to UST&D but the money is not as generous here... the benefits are there but not as generous. But I really feel like the bills will be paid off soon so I will have a little extra money and that is encouraging for me. I would like to go to Ocean City this year... even if we don't get to go and shop until we drop like we usually do. I just need to get away for awhile.

Well, they finally put a name to the disability Tre'Von has from not having the proper amount of oxygen in his blood stream all those times when he was first born... cerebral palsy. You can't even imagine how frightened I felt when I first heard that. It is just a "term" though... Tre is still Tre and I am sure he will struggle along and do the best he can with his life. He is such a pleasant little kid when you consider some of the other little kids nowadays. That is what matters I would imagine.

I am tired... oh so very tired....

April 2006

I am still feeling like a failure here. I am gaining weight like crazy since I started the ignorant job at MSA. This place is a trip and I thought they had characters at US Tool & Die. There is so much mess going on here and they pay is $8.50. At least at UST&D they paid you good money for the BS you had to put up with.

As per usual, I am a complete failure on the weight loss. I was gaining but since I got this new job where you get NO EXERCISE I have really gained. All we do is sit, sit, sit and click the mouse all day. Then that only takes one hand so you eat with the other one. I am checking back with Dr. Papasavas next month... I have an appointment, but I am thinking that is probably a waste of time also.

Tanya is suppose to be hooking me up with a membership to Bally's Total Fitness. Now if I could put the cigarettes down and get with the program I would be better... perhaps. Of course my mind always stops me from exercising... and I am so busy working overtime to turn my paycheck into some cash that I have very little spare time. Excuses GALORE as per usual for me.

My friend Lorri died.... she did not drink or smoke or do any of the other things we folks do to pollute our bodies... but she was overweight. Cancer killed her though.... cancer... and she was 46 years old... 5 years younger than me. Life is surely uncertain.