- HEALTH TRACKER
Valpo, IN, USA
Post Op - BMI: 34.9
Surgery Type: RNY
Member ID: E1061567980
Web Site: http://photos.yahoo.com/kjew12699
Surgeon: J. Rivera, M.D.
Click here for Kelli's surgery support page
Click here for Before & After pictures page
Click here for the 09/2003 Reunion Page
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Well somehow the BUGS on obesityhelp.com got into my profile and ate it all. And regardless how many times I checked the part to email me a copy,I never get one..... So sadly, I have no numbers or dates any longer to remember what happened along the way.
As of Today, July 9,2004 (10 months) I am down 144 pounds and only 46 to goal. I am thankful everyday that I had this surgery and that I am one of the true lucky ones and not had one complication since.
God Bless you all, and rememeber this is all worth it in the end, regardless your struggle in the beginning.
August 6, 2004
Well I am almost 11 months out and at last count I was 160 pounds lost, with 30 more for my goal and 42 for my docs goal. All things regarding the WLS are going well, I can tolerate many things, but then as you all know, the very next day the same foods will knock me out.
Right now, I am currently going through a seperation and so trying not to turn to food as a comfort was always a big issue for me, but this time, trying to remember to eat is a new one. Dont get me wrong, I am the one that wanted this or so I thought, there are alot of issues that had proceeded LONG before my WLS that just after years you dont care about anymore. At 340 you resolve to be that way forever, you just dont care, you give up hope you dont see life as anything but something to do til you die.
Then I had WLS, and that changed my life around, besides the fact that I am much thinner, the most important aspect was that it gave me the WILL to live. I want to live life, not exist any longer. I realise now, that all I have done for a LONG LONG time was exist. I existed as a human and nothing more. But not any longer. I have this deep primal need to LIVE, I must live, I must survive and be the wife, mother and woman I have always dreamed of. There are so many things I want, and need now, maybe finally I can have all that I have dreamt of for so long.
My husband stayed faithful, committed when I was at 340. But, he shut down when it came to me, and in turn I shut down, not knowing why I couldn't reach him, get him to just LOVE ME, god, all I wanted was for him to love me, and touch me, want to be with me and most importantly make me feel good about myself when inside I truly hated who and what I was.
During the process of WLS and after I came the realization that NO ONE can make you feel good about yourself, that is SOLELY 100% up to you, and you SHOULD NEVER EVER depend on anyone making you feel like a good person, or an important person. A friend once told me, GOD DOES NOT MAKE TRASH, and she's right (thank you Jumping Janice). God made me, regardless of what I have done and do in the past God made me for a reason not just to pass some spare body parts out. God also led me through WLS and made me a survivor of obesity and if I can overcome being more than 200 pounds over weight then I can overcome my own insecurites. It has not been easy, not at all. This is the most emotionally devastating, draining and fullfilling thing (besides giving birth to my son) that I have ever done and possibly ever will do. I CAN AND WILL SURVIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 8, 2004 (One year Tomorrow -155)
Well I was 36 pounds from goal, when somehow I gained 6 pounds, I was mad, livid was more like it. I even remarked to the doc, I better be pregnant, cause I know I couldn't of gained that on my own. WELLLLLL I am pregnant.. I will be 5 weeks tomorrow, which is also my one year anniversary of my surgery. Hubby and I are in therapy together and I am in therapy alone, and it all helps. We are doing better, this little bundle certainly has been a surprise, but, I am thrilled, my family is thrilled and as for my husbands' side, they are well.... Not so happy... My husband is trying so hard to come to grips with this, he was hoping to have some time with just him and I, but now, God gave us our own miracle..And god certainly doesn't make mistakes... BUT, he does have a wicked since of Humor at times.
September 20, 2004
Well I have lost 13 pounds and am down to 181 last time on scale at OBGYN's office. I had the first ultrasound and got to see the heartbeat of the little one, its quite remarkable if you ask me. I was sick for a few weeks, a UTI, and a Cold, and thats when I lost the weight. I am finding it hard to eat and drink enough for me, let alone for the baby now too. Its flusterating cause at times when I eat something, the baby may like it but the pouch will reject it, and other times the pouch may like it but the baby rejects it........TOO MANY OBSTACLES.....
I had to buy undies two sizes bigger, cause already anything around my bellybutton area makes me feel very uncomfortable and like its squeazing me to death... I now know why men wear their pants under their gut, when I am at home, thats how you will find me in a pair of 4x shorts tucked under my belly and a 4x tank top loafing on the couch.
October 21, 2004
Well lets see, here I am 13 months PO and 11 weeks pregnant with my second child. My hubby and I are working hard on repairing our marriage and making it what we both want, and thats hard considering we both have ideas on what it should be. I am holding steady at 184 and not gaining anything so far, I can visibly see I am losing (my collar bones are becoming more and more visable) but I wont know how much I weight until next week at the OB's office visit, thats when we hopefully get to hear that heartbeat for the first time.
The morningsickness has finally slowed down to an occasional bout, and so far food aversions are rare, but the cravings are weird. No problems with WLS and pregnancy everything is going good so far....
See you next time.
December 6, 2004 (Weight 184, and almost 5 months Pregnant)
Well, all is going really well with the WLS, i have stopped losing, but, sitting at the same weight and considering I am pregnant this is a good thing. SO far no weight gain, lost the initial 6 i gained in September, and so far am eating like crazy, and not just normal stuff, loads of candy and cookies, I am craving those like mad.... I blame it on the baby, before I got pregnant, i only had those cravings around my period, now its an almost daily thing for me..
Homelife is peaceful, my son is looking forward to his baby brother or sister. Today we go for the ultrasound, and if the baby cooperates, we will know the sex, BUT, we will have the tech right it down on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope and then DH will open it in front of all our family and friends on Christmas Eve, i figured the poor guy deserves to be the first to know something...
God Bless All, and will keep you posted.
February 21, 2004 (193, and 7months Pregnant)
Well first let me say that I am really sorry I haven't updated my profile like I should.
I am still pregnant, and Have now gained a total of 10 pounds, which I gain and lose 2 of over and over. But most of the weight gain came from Christmas time when I ate TOO MANY cookies. But they were OH SO GOOD, and the baby loved them.
We just had another ultrasound, on February 3, 2005 to check the growth of the baby since I am not truly gaining weight like ya should, and we were able to see that the baby is a GIRL. MAN did my hubby grin like there was no tomorrow, in fact as we were leaving the office, he practically knocked me over grabbing me to hug me he was so thrilled. I dont think he stopped smiling for a week. And even today, all you have to do is mention his "daughter" and he giggles like a school girl. Brian (our son) is equally as delighted to be having a sister, he talks to her, kisses her, and even sings to her. He is such a love, she definately is going to be lucky to have him as her big brother.
Hubby and I are doing ok. This pregnancy has NOT been easy for me, or him for that matter. I almost lost the baby in December, went into premature labor and the cervix began to thin, and was put on modified bedrest at that point. Which meant more work for dear hubby, and I know how flusterating that can be. It gets to him on occasion, but he does try really hard. I have to be in a wheelchair or pushable cart while at the store of any kind. And I can't do laundry or dishes if it requires lifting of any sort. And to be honest, IT SUCKS. Dont get me wrong it was nice at first, but after about a week I began to feel like a helpless invalid and I dont like that feeling at all.
August 15, 2005
OH BOY, has it been a while since I updated here..
Well, April 23rd at 4:56am I gave birth (actually she gave birth to herself) to a little girl. Cassidy Brooke 6.5lbs and 19.5". SHe was perfectly proportioned and so easy going.. We had a rough few months with GER but once we got her on a medication that worked and she could tolerate it helped things ALOT.. SHe is now almost 4 months old and is already trying to sit up, she rolls over, she says Hi and Hello (more like a sighing version but its very distinctive) and she lights up like the fourth of July when ever she sees anyone..
I gained 17 pounds with her pregnancy, and I had lost 23 by my 2-week checkup. As you may have read above my pregnancy was terrible, but, oddly, I have already forgetten how bad it really was (of course DH is ready and able to remind me, lmao).. I am breastfeeding her successfully and I am loving it.. The thing I love the most is when she is laying on my arm and I am holding her as she eats, then I lift her away to switch sides, her ear leaves an imprint on my arm.. Oh how I am going to truly miss that.. Her and I sit and she eats and I just sometimes sit there and watch her in complete amazement..
Last time I checked I was 186lbs. Stil 36 from goal, but, not to far.
Sept 5, 2005
WOW, do you see my new SNAZZY Profile,, Joan did it.. ITS GORGEOUS.... I could just sit here and look around all day..
September 12, 2005--Well lets see here, I am 2 Years POST OP.. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!!! I am down to 180lbs.. I have not been this weight since I was a 8th Grader..
MY WLS baby is 4.5 months old and doing great, she now weighs 11.15lbs. SHe is mainly Breast Fed and gets some formula bottles while I am at work. Her brother is in the 2nd grade and has a new teacher to our school system.. She is a tiny petite thing and probably NEVER had to worry about weight a day in her life, but she is adorable and very eager and excited about teaching.. I am not sure who I like more, the teachers that have been teaching for 20+ years and still love their jobs, or the newbies coming in not yet given that 2nd grader reality check..
I am having some problems although NO ONE can figure it out. I have this excruciating pain in my abdomen that comes and goes.. Its been coming and going since June now. I have had scopes, UGI, CAT, exams, etc.. NOTHING, all is perfect, blood work is picture perfect they say, but still having the pain.. My mother swears its stress from work, well considering the crap my boss pulled back in June, that could be, but, this pain began before he turned nasty..
I was due to return from Maternity Leave July 1, 2005 and I had been coming in twice a week and on call while at home the entire time I was off since April 21. I was still receiving my paycheck (I am salary) and I still took care of their books (JR Accountant/Office Manager for Engineering Firm of less than 50) anyways, on June 30, 2005 my boss calls me at home and says theres a problem with payroll (he took care of payroll while I was off) and wants me to come in to see him.. Well, I go in the next morning and BAM I get hit with a brick like no other, he tells me that he "DIdn't realize I was getting paid" and that Maternity Leave is not paid in this company (i had never been given a employee handbook up to this point, so I didn't know) and that I would need to repay my maternity leave. WOWSERS, GULP excuse me can I get CPR please, I think I am going to pass out..
The day went for crap from there on, and I am still at this company wishing this was just a dream but it wasn't.. Hubby and I have to take our already "constricted" budget and tighten it even more, I mean, OK, I understand where he is coming from, but the fact is HE PERSONALLY HANDED ME MY PAYCHECK and he signed for it EACH AND EVERY SINGLE TIME it came in, so how can he say he wasn't "aware".. UGH.. Stress, who me, NAH!!!!!
This is my story.
When I first met you, a chug of water made you scream in pain and that reminded me you were working. After many months of babying you, and taking it easy with you making sure to support your needs we became accustomed to one another and we began our life long journey together... Then, my Brain decided it was time, she joined in the party, since you and I were having so much fun together. However, we soon taught her, that she was no long in charge, that you my dear friend had won this battle and was Commander in Chief in all aspects... Now, Miss Brainy pants surely did try to sneak a few things past you, and you quickly put a stop to that reminding her and myself in such painful icky ways, that you would not tolerate treason. However, we were invaded just a mere 10 months after we met.
That invasion was here to stay, for at least the next 9 months God Willing. Miss Brain and I were so afraid of what you would do to our little guest that we conferred with many doctors to get the best advice and the best possible outcome for all. Here we were, all finally acclimated and we were taken over by this being, that was now requesting, no, DEMANDING chocolate and sugar and carbs galore, we reminded our self that these were all no-nos and Miss Brain quickly gave us a mental image of what happens when these substances make it to the pouchy pooh. Not a pretty sight, we remember, and not a pretty feeling, so we ask the Professionals, what do we do? They all suggest that the body is requesting what it needs for our house guest and to accommodate it, within moderate means, and it will be happy and move on.
Accommodate it, they said, give it a little they said, in moderation they mocked, so, here we sit 14 weeks into our little invasion and we are getting told for the first time in all our entire life, Gain weight you must Eat all foods, nothing is forbidden, just remember moderation is the key,, OK, who has EVER seen a pregnant woman eat a bowel of ice cream in MODERATION, or pickles for that matter..
I digress, The Holidays are upon us, and here we sit, obliging our guests with the foods of the pyramid, any and all, just in moderation, Bread, we got it, pasta, just a bit, rice, still cant stomach it. Sugar, well now, that goes down nice and easy, and when you are so nauseated that you CANT eat, but a snickers calls your name, you take a bite and its pure heaven, or that hotdog with chili, OH GOD, you have never tasted such things as this in what feels like centuries,, Pouchy, Pouchy, you there, no one answers, you take another bite of that forbidden bar and realize that Pouchy has taken a leave of absence, maybe its a day, maybe its only this hour, but, WOW, you get to have this cookie you have been craving for WEEKS, because, the Pouch has taken a vacation and you no longer are getting punished for you indiscretions WOWSERS, so, this is what its like to eat and not get punished for being weak minded. SO we forge on, and we eat just a few more cookies, knowing we should stop, and we do.
Then, that nasty ole craving rears its dragon of a head again and we are back at that cookie jar, grabbing only 3 cookies and we smugly remind ourselves how proud we should be for only getting 3, when BEFORE the pouch was ever in control, we would of sat down and ate a dozen if not more. Miss Brain slowly begins to go numb sitting in a sugared induced stupor forgetting all about the pains and misery that these evil goods once caused us, forgetting what it was like when we were super morbid obese forgetting that, we didnt get fat overnight, it took us one cookie at a time, one pop at a time and ONE pleasure at a time..
So, here we sit, all pregnant and cocky thinking, I am doing this for my baby, my baby needs a round assortment of food, we cant allow ourselves to go into Ketosis, we cant allow ourselves to lose weight dramatically, or quickly, we must take control and do what is needed for the baby..
How stupid Pouchy says, did you forget who was in control here, did you forget what it was like when you couldnt sit in a booth because you were so FAT your arse wouldnt get in, let alone OUT if you did manage to squeeze your way in, forget, no, we say, we didnt forget, but, we are Pregnant so we need to eat this, its for the good of the baby, we cant risk going into Ketosis we remind it.. We know this isnt how it will always be, we know, we are ONLY doing this NOW, for the good of the baby, we WOULD NEVER dream of eating this way if we werent pregnant, we will get back to the right way, once this alien enters the world, leaving us with the pouch dear surgeon gave us and thats when Miss Brain will come back out and wipe out what the sweets tasted like, what it was like when that first sip of pop hit your mouth, she will feed us images of pain, puking, sweating, crying, groveling for mercy, she will come back and take over.
Pregnant we say over and over, as if that will protect us, as if that is a word of GOLD, a word worth so many millions so much, that NO ONE can touch us, Pregnant, its like a shield of armor, its a shield of Saint Hood We look around and think, yeah, We are PREGNANT we can do this now, we are allowed, it will be MUCH easier when are arent so pregnant
So, here we are, sitting for 3,6 and even 9 months being protected from the evils of sugar, we cant eat anything, almost anything our bodies crave, a craving is a good thing, its your bodies way of telling you what it needs to sustain this alien, this baby, this Miracle to many of us. We crave, Websters definition of craving is intense desire for.
Finally the day comes when the alien leaves ship and enters the world on their own, basking in the glow of their light, we begin our journey as mother, nourishing and nurturing the little one we sustained for so long.
Our first few meals after the homecoming are eagerly awaited, we eagerly see if we broke our pouch while we were pregnant and much to our amazement we indeed havent, take one to many bites, and you are paying for it with such agony that you silently cry, Please forgive me Pouchy, I forgot your limits and we vow to never make that mistake again. As the days blend one into another and your life is so busy and hectic, you find yourself grabbing, picking and munching on stuff that not that long ago, would of sent you to your knees begging for mercy and death, now, nothing, you think, Pouchy Pooh, are you there, have I lost you, have I broken you my friend and you eat a piece of meat that isnt cooked right, or long enough and the Pouchy Pooh reminds you, its still there, its still working But, why you ask, why can I still eat such bad things and you tolerate it, and not make me pay through misery...
The answer is simple, Miss Brain has forgotten, Miss Brain has made you comfortable eating those forbidden fruits, Miss Brain is the one that we should have worried about, after all, she was not surgically altered. The Pouch was.
I realized Saturday, that I am depressed and upset at the thought of never having another baby. Don't get me wrong, I love the two god blessed me with and am very thankful, but after so many years of being told I was unexplainably infertile to get pregnant was a miracle and such a joy, despite how sick I was while pregnant.
My DH told me, towards the end of my pregnancy that he felt two was his limit, that he didn't want anymore children. So, in June of this year he had a vasectomy and although I didn't agree with it, I understood and stood by his side but the whole time I kept hearing him tell me for the last 11yrs we will discuss three kids, we will discuss three kids and here we are, vasectomy over and i realize he NEVER had any intention of discussing a third child. He never wanted three, even though he knew I did, he didn't and knew all along that he would stop after two.
I had our daughter (surprise WLS baby) on April 23rd and she was perfect and gorgeous.. I was so in love, I couldn't think much past her and my son.. How they were the love of the life.. How perfect and wonderful my life was, I didn't care about having more kids, I was blessed with two and I should be thankful, right?!
Then, some weird female things started happening and we thought that I was pregnant, although I was terrified it was too soon, I was so thrilled and just speechless.. ANother baby, WOW, how great, soon, and with vasectomy quizzical, but, WOW another baby.. Until, I got the news from the lab that the HCG was negative, I never realised how much I truly in my heart wanted another child, and now, I feel as if my husband has taken away my only chance at ever having more children.. I always wanted three kids, he only wanted two, but always promised we would discuss three, now I wonder if he ever had any intentions on "discussing" the third child, or just said that to appease me, and that is why, at the first chance he got, he made sure he killed all hopes of any discussion of a third child.
I feel so, sad, right now, I dont know what to do... I know, I am depressed, I can feel it, and to top it off, I have no one I can talk to that can understand how I feel. If I talk to DH he will get defensive and say I had agreed.. I did agree, what flippen choice did I have, I told him I wanted more kids, he said No, he didn't want anymore, and he made sure he never would have anymore.. Adoption isn't an option, I have asked about that before our daughter was born, and he was absolutely against that, for what ever reason was logical in his mind..
I never realized how much I wanted more children....Now, there is nothing I can do about it but weap and mourn the loss of the unborn child I will never have, the siblings my children will never know, the feeling my daughter will ever have of being a big sister, the feeling my son will never know from possibly having a brother or another sister.. to never nurse another child (I wasn't able to nurse my son for lack of milk reasons) and now, she is my last shot, my only shot...
My son is practically grown, he's 8, most the time he doesn't need a mommy, he just needs the maid and cook. He's so incredibly loving and caring it shocks me... My baby is 8, WOW, why didn't I enjoy it more, why didn't I watch him grow instead of wish he would be able to do more, so I could take care of other necessary things.. Now he's almost a teenager and I will never get that back. Why did I waste those years rushing his childhood away, waiting and anticipating the next milestone he would encounter.. Not savoring every single day as a gift..
With my daughter, I am not rushing her, in fact, in ways I probably hold her back not wanting her to grow up too quickly..
Oiy, I guess I am a HUGE slacker. Well Today is January 27, 2006 and I think I better catch ya'll up on me.
I joined a gym at the beginning of the year, GO ME, anyways, I made a resolution to myself this year. I want to be physically and mentally fit. I dont care to be skinny, I just want to be fit. To walk up four flights of stairs and not feel like I am dying.
I am still in therapy (i really think everyone needs it) and I am working hard at figuring out alot of stuff that is in my lap that should of been packed away.
The hardest is something my husband said to me about 9 years ago. It devastated me, and to this day, I can't get it out of my head, nor can I understand why now, after I lost the weight and he wants to be with me, it repulses me for him to touch me, fondle me or be with me sexually. He's a good guy, but that comment was something that was cruel and wounding, deep deep wounding and I just can't get past it. I can't look at him and be with him knowing full well that if I should gain back my weight (god forbid) but if I should that he again would be repulsed by me and not want to touch me.. How can I be with someone that doesn't love me enough to not care what the outside looks like, I know men are a "visual" creature but still, you have to love the woman to be in love with her, dont you?>
I gained some weight after giving birth, due to Breast Feeding the baby and I am working my tail off at getting it off of me, those pounds are making me wild with disgust over and over again. I hate that I gained weight, my eating habits went to crap while I was pregnant and even post pregnancy while breastfeeding I had to eat a more "normal" type of diet and I "allowed" myself to eat crap, and man oh man, breaking that habit was and is so hard. I was able to give up the pop again, only a sip here and there, but, I hope I learned that the little devils are still in me and if I dont stand guard round the clock, they just come out and do whatever the heck they please.
Well, heres to a great new year, new beginnings and new good habits to replace the old ones.
"When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught to fly." Patrick Overton
August 5, 2007, Well, lets see, Im divorced, things just didn't work out no matter how hard I tried or how he tried. We have been legally seperated since August of 04, physically seperated since January of 06 and the Divorce was just final on he 3rd.
I am still hovering around 191lbs, and have lots of skin, so i look much heavier when I sit than when I am standing.
I also, have a THIRD child, she came as a complete suprise to myself and the man I was in love with.
I am looking to get back into the swing of things I have been so depressed, I still am, and I feel it pulling me in like quick sand, but, I know what I can do to get out and this is the first step, by coming back to people that UNDERSTAND, and can have true EMPATHY with and for me as well as others.
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Surgeon: J. Rivera, M.D.