"I want to leave a legacy;
How will they remember me?
Did I learn to love?
Did I point to You
enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
As a child of mercy and grace,
Who blessed Your name, unapologetically!
I want to leave a legacy!"
Nicole Nordeman -- "Legacy"
The above song lyrics come from a contemporary Christian song I heard on K-Love, which is an AWESOME Christian music station, that is US wide, I believe. Look for a K-Love station in your listening area if you're a lover of GREAT Christian music. It's awesome and I've been so blessed since I stopped listening to secular music and found this station.
The reason I quote these words here on my journal is that they've impacted my life so very much. With my surgery coming up, I've been thinking of the kind of "mark" I'd like to leave on this world, and the things I'd like to fill my life with. Anyone whose seen the movie "Peggy Sue Got Married" with Kathleen Turner may recall this scenario. If you've never seen the movie, it's about a soon-to-be divorced woman who goes to her 25th year High School reunion, only to pass out after she's announced the Queen of the reunion and wake up back in 1962, and back as a Senior in high school. Faced with decisions of things she'd do differently if she had them to do over again, she determines to make changes and resculpt a life which would have a much different outcome. She had gotten pregnant on her 18th birthday and had been forced into a teenage marriage with her High School sweetheart, who'd ended up cheating on her many years later and broken her heart. During this time in 1962, she goes back to visit her grandparents, anxious to see them again, as in her "true time" they've long-since passed on. Her grandmother wisely tells her that right now, she is "browsing through time," and that she should "pick the things" that matter and that last, like her children and family. So, anyone who has seen this movie may remember that she does not resist her high school sweetheart, but chooses her children as the best future she could think of.
You may be wondering why I'm babbling about song lyrics and lines from 15-year old movies... LOL!! It's just that these things, those lines from the Nicole Nordeman song and the grandmotherly advice to Kathleen Turner's character make me think about why I'm making these changes in my life, with having Weight Loss Surgery this June. I'm charting my own future, to a degree. I know, because I'm saved and a Christian, that God is in control. But these lines and these words remind me that I'm making a decision, making a committment to a better life and a new, healthier me. I'm making a mark on my life, all while glorifying my Father in Heaven and I'm picking the things that matter to me, a healthier future and more possibilities opening for me.
God bless you all and I wish to say that the opinions expressed here, whether about my medical care, my lifestyle, my issues with food or family are simply my own and are not intended to advise anyone else of how he or she should live his or her life or how to make medical decisions. Remember that your doctor is the best person from whom to take ANY medical advice!! Take care!!
Beginning Statistics: 390lbs with a BMI of 63.1 -- 5'6"
GOALS:
1/1/2003 -- Hemoglobin A1C
to below 8.0 so surgery can take
place -- This goal accomplished,
as of 5/31, A1C level was 6.9 &
surgery rescheduled
4/1/2003 -- Have surgery
rescheduled for a date in June --
This goal accomplished, new
surgery date is set for 6/18/2003
6/16/2003 --
Successfully complete my PAT's in
preparation for surgery on 6/18 -- This goal accomplished and surgery will occur on 6/18/2003
6/18/2003 -- Have open
RNY (proximal) with Dr Dana Lindsay in
Franklin, IN -- Surgery successfully completed and gallbladder also removed
6/22/2003
-- Be released from the hospital
to go home -- This goal accomplised one day early as I was released on 6/21/2003
7/1/2003 --
Lose 15lbs total -- This goal accomplished
7/18/2003 -- Have post-op visit
-- Lose 30lbs total -- This goal accomplished
7/28/2003 -- Go back to work --
Lose 35lbs total -- This goal of going back to work accomplished but with a total weight loss of 52lbs
8/15/2003 -- Lose 45lbs total -- This goal accomplised prior to 7/28/2003
9/1/2003 -- Lose 60lbs
total -- This goal accomplished 8/19/2003
9/15/2003 -- Lose
75lbs total -- This goal met a few days late on 9/18/2003
10/1/2003
-- Lose 90lbs total -- Well, today is 10/1 and I'm still 9lbs away from this 90lbs loss, but I WILL get there!!!
10/17/2003 -- CELEBRATE MY 36TH
BIRTHDAY weighing less than 300lbs!!!!! -- THIS GOAL ACHIEVED!!! -- I cannot believe I actually made it!! I had a doctor visit on Friday, October 17th and weighed in at 298lbs and was so ecstatic!!!
11/1/2003
-- HIT THE CENTURY MARK!!!! -- THIS GOAL ACHIEVED!!! -- Again, I'm so amazed that I made this one!! -- The scale had been at a DEAD STANDSTILL for nearly a week, stuck at 293lbs!! Then all of a sudden this morning, I came into work and hopped on... 289lbs!! WAHOOOO!!!! I'm too happy and cannot believe it!!!
2/1/2004 -- Weigh in at 250lbs or less -- This goal achieved on 1/24/2004 -- I have to say I wasn't sure if I would make this one!! But I could NOT be happier that I did!!! A couple more goals to go and I'll be all the way there!!! GO ME!!! :-)
3/1/2004 -- Weigh in at 225lbs -- This goal achieved a few days late but I got there NONETHELESS!!! I NOW weigh what my driver's license says, how cool is that?!???!?!?!
6/18/2004 -- Weigh less than 200lbs -- This goal reached a few days short on 6/22/2004 but how cool is this??!?!?!! I have to say I NEVER thought I'd be this far this fast. It makes you really understand and realize what the human body is capable of when it's pushed to the limit. I've done the very best I can to eat the right things, make good protein decisions and live my life in such a way that makes me feel worthy of all the great things I've experienced.
12/1/2004 -- Be at goal of 175lbs -- I'm here... I made it, nearly two months ahead of schedule!!! Got there on 10/7/2004 --Note: I've made a decision to lower my goal to 160lbs. I think I can get there!!!!
2/15/2005 -- Have plastic surgery consult with Dr Jackson in Columbus, IN to begin looking at what reconstructive surgery I will be having!
6/18/2005 -- Be at NEW goal of 160lbs!!!
MONTHLY PROGRESS:
6/18/2003 -- Surgery date with weight of 390lbs
7/18/2003 -- 1month anniversary with weight of 353lbs for 37lbs lost
8/18/2003 -- 2month anniversary with weight of 330lbs for 23lbs lost this month & 60lbs lost total
9/18/2003 -- 3month anniversary with weight of 317lbs for 13lbs lost this month & 73lbs lost total
10/18/2003 -- 4month anniversary with weight of 293lbs for 24lbs lost this month & 97lbs lost total
11/18/2003 -- 5month anniversary with weight of 280lbs for 13lbs lost this month & 110lbs total
12/18/2003 -- 6month anniversary with weight of 270lbs for 10lbs lost this month & 120lbs total
1/18/2004 -- 7month anniversary with weight of 250lbs for 20lbs lost this month & 140lbs total
2/18/2004 -- 8month anniversary with weight of 239lbs for 11lbs lost this month & 151lbs total
3/18/2004 -- 9month anniversary with weight of 225lbs for 16lbs lost this month & 166lbs total
4/18/2004 -- 10month anniversary with weight of 218lbs for 7lbs lost this month & 172lbs total
5/18/2004 -- 11month anniversary with weight of 212lbs for 6lbs lost this month & 178lbs total
6/18/2004 -- 1year anniversary with weight of 200lbs for 12lbs lost this month & 190lbs total
7/18/2004 -- 13month anniversary with weight of 191lbs for 9lbs lost this month & 199lbs total
8/18/2004 -- 14month anniversary with weight of 180lbs for 11lbs lost this month & 210lbs total
9/18/2004 -- 15month anniversary with weight of 180lbs for 0lbs lost this month & STILL 210lbs total
10/18/2004 -- 16month anniversary with weight of 174lbs for 6lbs lost this month & 216lbs total
11/18/2004 -- 17month anniversary with weight of 170lbs for 4lbs lost this month & 220lbs total
12/18/2004 -- 18th month anniversary with weight of 178lbs
1/18/2004 -- 19th month anniversary with weight of 189lbs
2/18/2004 -- 20th month anniversary with weight of 184lbs
Note: Some of these months were "guess-stimated" due to the fact that I didn't update my journal on the EXACT date of my anniversary. So these are approximations and only meant for me to keep track of my OWN weight loss on a month to month basis. Per my surgeon, after month three it is NOT uncommon for weight loss to taper off to somewhere between 2-10lbs per month. As you can see, most months I've blown that out of the water, but as the months go by, things are slowing down - ADG 4/17/2004
Additional note: I have had some re-gain, which, at first, freaked me out BIGTIME!!! But I bounce back and forth between anywhere from 181lbs & 190lbs. I'm comfortably in a size 14 and am completely happy where I'm at.
A LITTLE ABOUT ME!! - Journal begun 8/2002
I'm Amy and I found out about this website from my surgeon, Dr Dana Lindsay in Franklin Indiana. Her office gives out this website as a resource to anyone interested in having Bariatric surgery! I've found this site to be more than your average cyberspace location... It seems more like a family to me! I'm honored to be a part of it, albeit a new one! :-)
More about me! I'm 34 years old and have struggled with my weight since about age 8 or 9! My parents divorced when I was three years old and my mother, who was pregnant with my sister Angie at the time, and I went to live with my maternal grandparents and an aunt. I come from a family almost entirely comprised of overweight people! Food was/is the basis for nearly every get-together! I wonder how different it will be after I have surgery. I mean, I won't be able to eat like I do now and I wonder, when the eating is no longer the "focus" of my life, where will that leave this family dynamic. Obesity runs so rampant in my genes, as does diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, arthritis, cancer and a whole host of other potentially fatal diseases.
I guess I began to grow up as most kids do. Then, as I said, at about age 8 or 9, the chunkiness grew into just plain out fat. I think I was the only kid at that "mandatory" fifth or sixth grade weigh-in who was over the hundred pound mark. And to a certain degree, I was tormented by the other kids. But elementary school was NOTHING compared to what I would face in junior high and in high school. I would walk down the halls and there were two girls, especially, who loved to scream: "HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH FATA$$?!?" I would hang my head in mortification. And in high school, I was infatuated with the idea of being in the drama club and with acting (I had been in one school play in junior high -- but I was type cast, as my character was a lady wrestler) but of COURSE at 200lbs, I didn't exactly "fit the mold" of what a high school actress looked like. I went to college on a full scholarship, only to quit after two years because all of a sudden I was challenged in my courses. School had always been easy for me and I never had to study much to get my good grades. When it got tough, I quit.
I think between my MO childhood and my dysfunctional relationship with my father, it's no wonder I ended up making the relationship choices I was to make in later life!! To this day, my dad and I are quite estranged and when we do speak, it's fraught with hard feelings and I always end these phone calls telling myself that I'll never speak to him again. It's just bad for my mental health. I've forgiven him for the ways he failed me as a child and for not being there for us or for my mom, but it's truly just best if he and I don't speak!
When I quit school and entered the working world I weighed in at more than 230lbs and it just went up from there. I was married once, at age 22 and then divorced at 30. My ex-husband was a cheat, having had two affairs by the time we divorced. He refused to keep a job most of the time. And so I worked, to cover his irresponsibility. I worked and worked so much overtime that I was never home and then, when he had his first affair, he had the audacity to blame me... it was MY fault he had been "forced into" the affair, because I was never home!! And the wacko thing about it is that I believed him. I was so mired down and so lacking in self-esteem that I believed he was all I deserved and that I was lucky to have him. When he told me he was leaving, I begged him not to go. He was involved with a girl on the internet, went to visit her once in New York and I actually drove him to and picked him up from the airport. I guess I believed that if I stuck by him, he'd eventually come back to me. That internet relationship ended, but he soon began another one, then another and then another, this time with a woman in Massachusetts, whom he ended up marrying when the divorce was final.
I met my second husband Harry on the internet as well, and he and I married in June 1999. He was so different, I thought, than many of the men I'd encountered on the net. He was polite, not overtly sexual in the nature of his talking to me. He seemed interested in the things I had to say, and he was interesting to talk to. He liked Christian music, he liked motorcycles and was into extreme sports. To tell you the truth, I kept thinking he was too good for me. By that, I mean, he was too "cool" and way outta my league. He seemed like the prototypical California guy. I began to plan my first trip out to meet him, and while I had sent him a picture of myself, I was nervous about my size and how it would be. Finally about three weeks before my trip to meet him for the first time, I got to see what he looked like. And he was attractive, he looked kind, and had beautiful eyes. I knew from his description of himself that he was tall and a "big guy" and that was fine with me.
When I got off the plane and saw him in person for the first time, I knew (or so I thought) that I was in love with him. I think I'd known before, but he just seemed to accept me, flaws and all and I felt that maybe finally I'd have some happiness. He didn't even mind that I had infertility issues and we'd most likely never be parents. The five days together went by quickly and were very enjoyable to me, although I guess, looking back, I DID see some red flags which should have given me pause, but I didn't want to see them. I was in such a bad place that any relationship was better than none at all. He seemed overly concerned with what his mother thought, even going so far as to leave me at the hotel for several hours at a time in order to go "spend some time" with her. Soon after I returned home, the fighting began. We seemed to bicker over anything and everything and yet somehow, I felt the need to "hold on" to this relationship. I couldn't let him go, could I? Wouldn't that be admitting I'd failed again?? I was in such a depression still from my divorce the year before and I couldn't believe another relationship was going to end. I once again felt those self-defeating thoughts start going through my head. "You're fat, you're hideous, no one will ever love you!! Your own father didn't stick around to care about you, how can you expect any OTHER man to do that?" It was never-ending.
In a "ditch effort" to put the relationship back on track, he came here to Indiana to be with me over Christmas in 1998. He spent four days here, met my family, saw my town, and things seemed better. I was sick for nearly 36 hours of his stay, and he held me and handed me kleenex and watched over me. I thought, things aren't so bad with him?! He left to fly back home, leaving not only me crying at the airport but my mom too, even she liked him and thought we were right for each other. Then, once again, the fighting began and I even called things off once. But he was like a drug to me, I guess. I couldn't stay away, even though I knew it would be for the best.
We went ahead with making wedding plans and it was decided, thanks to a GREAT job opportunity I had here in my town, that he and his mom would move here. He had been financially taking care of her for years, ever since she'd lost a job in a fruit processing plant when he was 22 years old. I naively believed that she and I would be "good friends" because I'd had such a great relationship with my former in-laws. To this day, I miss being in their lives and would LOVE to chance to see them again. All told, he and I only had thirteen days together in "real life" before we got married. We spent those five days together in October 1998 in California, then four days together here in Indiana just after Christmas that year, and then four more in May 1999, once again in California. Then he packed both himself and his mom up from their apartment in Northern Cali and moved here in June, we married the next day. I think I knew right from the beginning that we'd made a mistake. I wanted to call off the wedding the morning of the ceremony, but didn't have the nerve. He'd moved more than two thousand miles from his home to be with me and how could I do this to him? So I walked down that aisle, pretty much knowing it was wrong.
There are days, admittedly so when he's a God-send. When it's a "good day," he makes me feel loved, in whatever ways he can. He loves God and his faith has been a long-standing constant in his life, having been saved at age 12! And he is accepting of the fact that we may never have children. But when things are not good, they're REALLY not good. He's not very affectionate with me and doesn't seem to realize why this is important to me. The affection seems to have to be on his terms only, as in, when HE feels like being affectionate, it's OK, but if I initiate any affection whatsoever, I'm "bothering" him. He's also far too wrapped up in dealing with his mom, who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder and requires much attention, and this has been a sore spot between us. He's supportive of my having this surgery, on the surface. I think he's worried about something happening to me, but I think his biggest fear is that I'll no longer need or want him.
I have many interests, and feel I am a creative person... maybe I'm just a creative person wannabe... LOL!! I LOVE to write, and have written for many years. I was an avid journaller in my pre-teen and teenage years, and then once again when I was going through my divorce. It's so cathartic for me to put all my feelings in writing, so healing to my soul in many ways. I know that this journey will be long and intense, and I'm hopeful that whatever peace I can get here by spilling out my thoughts and feelings onto the computer screen will not only be helpful to me, but may inspire others as well. So what you'll read here are just many thoughts and ramblings of what's going on in my mind on any given day when I update these entries.
I also LOVE to read!! There are several series and/or authors that I read consistently. I love the "Left Behind" books by Jerry Jenkins & Tim LaHaye. They are life-changing reading and really made me step back and take a look at things in my own life and decisions I was making. I discovered them back in 1998 and have been hooked ever since!! I also read anything by Danielle Steel. I know, I KNOW, her books are so full of angst and melodrama, but I have to confess, I'm hooked. My favorites of hers are prob'ly "Mixed Blessings" and "Heartbeat" but I love them all. Even when they're a bit cheesy, they're still pretty enjoyable to me. I've also gotten into the JD Robb "In Death" books over the last couple years. They are actually by the romance genre author Nora Roberts, but she writes these Lt Eve Dallas futuristic cop thrillers under the pseudonym JD Robb. They have just enough intrigue to keep mystery readers satisfied, just enough gadgets and gizmos to keep sci-fi fans happy and just enough s-e-x to keep romance fans tittilated. LOL!!!
I'm also a BIG movie watcher and collector. I'd say I have at least 75-100 videos and DVD's at home and I love to watch movies over and over again if they're good ones. I go to the movies alot and am a sucker for ANYTHING with Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, Meg Ryan or Tom Cruise in it. Since being married to Harry, I've also come to truly enjoy Jet Li and Jackie Chan movies. I never thought I'd enjoy that particular type of film, but I really do.
Work-wise I'm a unit secretary in our local hospital and I've been there since 2000!! I love my job and I love my co-workers, or at least most of them!! It's been my life-long dream to work in a hospital and I'm so glad I could finally make it happen!! I have alot of support amongst my friends on the job and it's nice to have that network especially when big changes are on the horizon for me, with this WLS!
I'm also thankful to everyone who's made me feel so welcome here! I can't wait to be on the "losing side!"
4/5/2003
BOY, what a journey it's been!! I was originally approved to have my open Roux-en-y on October 23rd of last year. I was all set, had my nutrition consult, my psych eval, everything in place. I went for my PAT's on the 21st and the next day, the bottom dropped out! I discovered that my out-of-control eating habits were going to keep me from having surgery. As a Type II diabetic, I KNOW better than to eat the way I was eating. But I did it ANYWAY! My Hemoglobin A1C, which is a three month calculation of how blood sugars have been running, was 11.3!!! OMIGOSH!!! I could have passed out!!! TOO many super-size McDonald's cokes apparently... LOL!!! This was quite the wake-up call for me and in many ways, looking back, I'm glad it happened this way!
I don't understand how I could've been so ridiculously stupid, but LIVE & LEARN!!!
SO here I am... several months later. My A1C is NOW at a respectable 7.0 & my surgery is re-scheduled with Dr Dana Lindsay in Franklin, Indiana for 6/18/2003, one day before my fourth wedding anniversary, no less!!
I'm so excited this time. NOT nervous at all. But maybe that will come later. I am just so thankful for God's blessings & for this board & all the positive reinforcement I've gotten here!!
"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."
Philippians 4:11
4/6/2003
What a day!
I've been posting to the surgery pages of those having their procedures in the next few days! It's just such a good feeling to send up prayers & good thoughts for the pre-op's. I know that before my surgery, those same prayers & good thoughts will be sent up for me.
It's been a long 24 hours for me since this time yesterday. I have a good friend who has been like a brother to me for nearly 20 years who now lives a good four hours away. He and I rarely get to see one another and he was in town last night & going to be over at my sister's house. I was planning, after working my twelve hour day, to go over there to visit a bit. I'd spoken previously with Harry, about this but when I reminded him about it, he balked... BIGTIME!!
He takes issue with my friendship with this man... I'd think it were jealousy, except I'm not exactly my friend's type, if you get my drift. He's gay...
Harry didn't want me to go over to visit, and we had a pretty good argument about it. I really try to respect his beliefs and most of the time, I think we are in agreement. I don't, for moral reasons, agree with my friend's lifestyle either, but I don't see him often and I love my friend dearly. Harry would barely speak to me later in the evening when he picked me up and barely again this morning.
I've spoken to my husband a couple times on the phone today, as we're both working, and he's a bit better. But it makes me wonder. This isn't the first "control-freakish" behavior my husband has displayed. He attributes his attitude to his "being the husband" as he puts it, but sometimes it doesn't sit well with me. I'm a Christian, and while I know the Bible says that the wife shall "submit to her husband as unto the Lord," at times, BOY that's difficult!!
I love my husband, and I don't want to jeopardize my marriage. But I do feel that Harry should try to understand how important this friendship is to me. My friend and I don't see one another often, maybe once every two years and rarely speak on the phone. It doesn't, in ANY way, infringe upon my marriage or my relationship with my husband. I don't have many close friends, and sometimes I think he likes it that way. I hate to say that, because it sounds like he's a monster, which he's not. He's never physically hurt me in any way, but at times, his control issues really wreck havoc on things.
I can't help but wonder if this will only get worse after surgery. He's already made comments about how "maybe I'll get thin and won't 'want' him anymore!" And while I try to reassure him that it's not the case, I wonder if this simply isn't a sign of things to come. I'm also looking into going back to school to finish my degree. I think he finds this very threatening as well.
I guess time will tell how all this will play out. I wish I knew for certain, but for now I'll keep praying that God shows Harry peace about things the way He's shown me peace!
"Count it all joy when you fall into various trials..."
James 1:2
4/7/2003
Ahhh, the last working day of my three days in a row! I am SOOOOO glad it's over, but every day that is done brings me one day closer to 6/18... I can't help but wonder what is in store for me!!
My husband is a bit cheerier today, not as angry with me. I'm glad too, because it really wears on a person to walk on eggshells all the time. And I feel like I do that quite a bit when he's "in one of his moods," so to speak!
Work was alright and everyone I work with is so very supportive of my making this change in my life, with the surgery and all. I'm very lucky in this way! I have much support at work and with my family, not so much with my husband although I think, in his case, it's his fear of what could happen that motivates him. I know he prays for me every day that my surgery will be fine and that God will watch out for me in having it, because I hear him say the words. But I wonder deep down if it isn't really threatening to him. The rest of my family, as in Mom, sister, aunts, etc are VERY supportive of me... of course, they have concerns, but they're behind me wholeheartedly. They've been right by my side for the good, the bad and the ugly, so to speak and love me so very unconditionally, that I wonder what I did to deserve such blessings!!
I've been thinking alot today about how my "relationship" with food will change after surgery. I know it will be a tremendously BIG change and there are days I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I think that's just the fear & anxiety talking! But still, you know, it's just such a change to have happening in my life... I CAN DO THIS, I KNOW I CAN!!! I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!!!!
"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31
4/15/2003
Ahhhh... TAX DAY!!! UGH... that 'bout says it all, huh? LOL
I made a HUGE mistake the other day.... I went to the Memorials page... YIKES, NOT a good thing for a pre-op'er to do, let me tell you! Not that we don't all learn from the "good, bad & ugly" of what we're embarking upon, but...
I saw a lady's profile and she had died from untreated sleep apnea... this concerned me a bit, and so since I had a PCP doc visit already scheduled for yesterday, I decided to ask! My PCP said that while she doesn't believe I really NEED a sleep study, she'll be happy to arrange one for me if it would give me peace of mind!! PRAISE GOD FOR UNDERSTANDING DOCTORS!!!
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7
4/20/2003
Having done the research I’ve done to get to the point I am now, being two months pre-op, has given me a unique perspective on this whole process. Making the decision to have gastric bypass surgery has proved to be one of the most challenging of my entire life. I certainly hope it will be one of the most rewarding, although time will tell.
I’m going into this with my eyes wide open, however. I have no illusions. I know it will be difficult at times! I know I will have days where I will “regret” my decision. I’ve read the message boards here enough times to know that there, most likely, will come a time where I will say, “Why in the world did I do this?” only to change my mind within a day or two. I know I will face head hunger, WLS prejudice, inability to eat certain foods for the rest of my life, pain-filled post-op moments, emotional overload due to rapid weight loss, changes in my personal relationships as I learn how to deal with the non-fat version of myself, and the possibility of complications which could end my life.
I deal with the thought of most of these things in a matter of fact way! The head hunger will pass, after a time, and I will learn the triggers that bring it on as I deal with my past as an emotional eater. The seeming prejudice that exists concerning weight loss surgery should not be any different than that against the morbidly obese which already exists. I read somewhere recently that “fat” prejudice is the last remaining “politically correct” form of bias existing in our society. I am sure I have been turned down for employment because of my weight. I know for a fact I’ve missed out on social aspects of life due to my weight.
I’ve been that little girl, passed over on the playground for team games or picked on during dodge ball. I’ve been that teenager, aching for a date on Saturday night or being “forced” to attend a prom alone. As far as food is concerned, I’m not sure how it will be to not have the ability to eat some of y formerly favorite dishes. I’m hoping that I'll be reveling in my thinner, healthier self that I won’t feel deprived. I’m counting on medications and prayers and some good old fashioned “get up and go” to help me make it through the painful times. I’m hoping that my husband, family, friends and co-workers will understand when my emotions overflow and that I’ll never be without my box of kleenex or a quick apology when my anger has erupted. And I know I’ll be meeting my Jesus if it’s my time to leave this Earth, so I have the most peace regarding that unknown.
I’m 35 years old and there are so many things I’ve never done. I’ve never skated without fear of falling down, never worn a black, slinky dress and known I looked good, never, as an adult, shopped in a “regular” clothing store or been able to buy misses sizes, never felt much in the way of self-confidence, never felt I was worthy of being truly happy or having a wonderful life, never given birth to a child, never felt beautiful or healthy, and I’ve certainly never given myself credit for all the amazing things about me! I’m intelligent and well-spoken, I’m loving and giving, I’m caring and compassionate, I’m a good friend and listener, I’m funny and serious, and most of all, I’m a child of God!
I’m tired of defining myself by my weight, tired of feeling as if I’m lazy or insignificant or undisciplined. I want to be around to grow old with my husband and to be a good example to my nieces and nephew. I want to put an end to being on maintenance medications, and being out of breath with exertion, and having aching knees when I stand or move. I want to be proud of myself, in spite of myself. And the new me will be born on June 18th, 2003 at the hands of God and my surgeon, Dr Dana Lindsay. I have ultimate trust in her and especially in my Father in Heaven who is looking out for me always!
And so I beg forgiveness if I’ve rambled on, asking for understanding at my rush of words, but I felt the need to share this, even if for only my own benefit!
"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulations; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."
John 16:33
4/29/2003
WOW!! Bad day!! I'm so VERY tired and ready to be off a couple days!! Thought I was going to be able to get off from work early this evening, but to no avail. So I'm toughing it out until 7:30PM!!
Tonight is American Idol!! Can you say "ADDICTED?" I LOVE this show!! It's insane, but I love it! I'm fairly certain Ruben is going to win but my sentimental favorite is surely Clay Aiken! I think he's so funny!!
I know I've posted some things here about my husband and about my marriage, and I know it's going to be a struggle. I'm prepared for the problems to "escalate" to a certain degree after the WLS, as I've seen that to be the case here on the message boards! But I've recently been reading a book called "Because I Said Forever." It's written by a Christian woman named Deb Kalmbach! She's been married for 27 years to a man who was, for many of those years, an alcoholic. She has a VERY powerful testimony indeed!! And it's made me learn so many things. I believe God is speaking to me through this book with regards to my marriage. I'm going to keep praying because I KNOW I'm right where God has called me to be... difficulties at home and all!! And with His power behind me, I KNOW I can make it through anything!!
An HTML volunteer emailed me today about "spoofing" up my profile, so hopefully it'll look prettier here before too long... LOL!!!
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."
Matthew 6:33
05/04/2003
It's a pretty nice Sunday here in Indiana!! I've been spending some time on the message board today, posting some well wishes to surgery pages and catching up on my reading of other's profiles!!
It's always nice to read the profiles and learn about others here and about their struggles & triumphs. It encourages me so very much, and I'm so appreciative to learn all I've learned from reading!!
On other news, my husband and I just bought a new van that is quite great. We were so excited and now I'll be able to ride home from surgery in style... LOL... It's a 1996 Dodge Grand Caravan SE and it's in VERY good condition, considering it being seven years old!! Speaking of surgery, I'm now 44 days and a wake up I do believe, and I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!
"This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24
05/19/2003
Boy, OH, boy, do I EVER mean to update here more often than what I have been doing!!
I'm now 29 days away from the big surgery day and I got a HUGE shockaroo when I hopped on a stand-up scale at the hospital where I work this weekend!! I NOW WEIGH 385.6LBS!!! I was STUNNED!!! Up until now, my heaviest was 383lbs and that's honkin' bad enough!! I could've bawled my eyes out!! I was in sheer and utter disbelief!! But if I'm truthful, I have been pretty much eating as I please!! To be perfectly honest, I had been feeling the weight creeping on (I was 362lbs at my surgical consult back in August of last year) but was in denial, blaming it on one of my new diabetes meds I was put on last October. And while it is TRUE that weight gain is one of the side effects, I'm sad to say that stuffing my mouth with chocolate covered granola bars isn't exactly the way to go when you're me.. LOL!!
I know that NOW is the time to begin to make the change. NOW is the time to up my protein intake, eliminate those unnecessary carbs! NOW is the time to put to rest my love affair with chocolate!! And NOW is the time to GET SERIOUS with myself.
I know most of us here, going through this journey, have to have a psych eval prior to being approved. I sometimes wonder how many of us are so comfortable with lying to ourselves about our eating habits that we certainly have NO problem lying to the professionals about it!! I know I have food issues... LOADS of them!! And I wonder some days about whether I can "do this" or not!! I do know that God will give me strength when my own is sorely lacking and I know He will comfort me when I am feeling inconsolable!! That helps me to no end!! But I know I will struggle with the eating part of being post-op!!
I am feeling much peace about my decision to have surgery, much more so than before my foiled attempt at surgery last October. But now, even though I have this peace, the OTHER questions are the ones that are surfacing. How will I do with the eating?? How much belly will be hanging once I've started to get alot of the weight off?? Will I be able to get pregnant at some point?? GOSH, do I even WANT to get pregnant?? LOL YOU get the drift!! My mind is racing!! Last night I bawled in my husband's arms about finding a girdle to hold all the belly flab in once I've begun to lose. I bet he thought I was already beginning to lose... my MIND that is!! LOL
I'm so thankful for so many things: that I'm a child of God, that I have the support of so many people especially my family and my sister Angie. If there were such a thing as there being Angels on Earth, Ang certainly is one to me. She is irreverant and funny, smart and silly, beautiful and a pain in the butt all at once. I know that there isn't ONE thing I could say to her that would make her feel any differently about me and there is SO much wonder and amazement in that. I think some people out there go their entire lives without having ONE person in their world like that for them!! I am so blessed to have her and I certainly hope she'll never doubt how much I totally love and ADORE her!! Those rare people with whom complete silence or total chaos can be shared and equally enjoyed are few and far between in our lives and I got so lucky when God brought her to be my little sister!! I LOVE YOU ANGELA DEE!!!
Ahhhh, I've raved on here more than what I intended but my mind and heart are so full today!!! God bless everyone and help us as we make our own individual journeys toward greater health and happiness!
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7
5/30/2003
WOW, I can't believe I have UNDER three weeks to go now!! It's absolutely amazing to me to think of how CLOSE I am!!
I had my Hemoglobin A1C checked again about a week ago or so and it was 6.9, so I'm still in the "safety zone" so to speak!! Ever since my surgery from last October got cancelled, I've been so paranoid and worried that the same thing would happen to me all over again and I'd have to cancel yet another time!! I guess I truly never believed this day would come, and now that it's nearly here, it's just astounding to me. I almost can't let myself believe that it will truly happen!!
I'm using my sister's computer to update today as I'm babysitting my nieces and nephew. They're so sweet and so special to me and I can't believe I've been so lucky to have three little lovies like these kids in my life. Ellie, the oldest, is eleven years old going on twenty-one... I'm sure those of you with pre-teens know what I'm talking about. She's beautiful and smart and funny and such a wonderful singer. She wants to "be a star" and I have NO doubt she'll get there someday!! She's absolutely amazing and I can't wait to see how her life will end up. William, the boy, is four years old and such a little monkey. He's all boy, mischevious and rotten and silly and yet SO adorable and loving, that you can't HELP but fall in love with him at first glance!! He's got a sweet smile and a funny little way about him that just makes us all cackle when we see him showing off!! Allison Rose, the two and a half year old, is the baby girl and my GOSH, do we ADORE her?!?! She has my husband, her Uncle Harry, wrapped around her little finger, whether he'll admit it or not and we just could gobble her up for lunch, she's so sweet!! She has her mean moments too, but we just love her anyway!! She's HATING giving up her pacifier and it's cracking us up. We tried telling her the crow flew away with her pacie for the baby crows (she loves this one song about a crow, that's where we got that idea...) but she just doesn't wanna give it up... it's TOO hilarious!!
Well, since a little girl just climbed up into my lap with quite stinky poopie pants, I'd better sign off for now... LOL!! God bless you all and take care!! I hope all the post-ups are recovering well and for those of us waiting on our "dates with destiny" so to speak, I hope we can all hang in there!! Don't give up, all those waiting on approvals or trying to make the decision to have this life-changing surgery. I know in my heart of hearts it's going to make ALL the difference in MY life and I'm hoping and praying that everyone here will be touched by the Hand of God and He will watch over us all in His
infinite wisdom!!
"Do not fear, little flock; for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."
Luke 12:32
6/1/2003
WOW, can I say, babysitting those little yay-hoo's the other day was a NIGHTMARE at 385lbs. I couldn't keep up after them and I felt my temper getting the best of me due to that fact. I felt so badly about it after I got home that night, like I'd taken it out on them that I couldn't keep up. I think I owe them a big apology!!
I made the comment to a co-worker yesterday that all of a sudden in the last month or two, odd as it may sound, I really feel like my weight is catching up with me. I feel so tired and so worn out constantly and just getting up off the sofa seems to be a struggle. I can't imagine what it will feel like NOT to have these difficulties, can't even fathom how it will be to bounce up from the couch or floor or bed and face the day KNOWING I have enough energy for whatever comes my way. Just to be able to LOVE LIFE and keep on top of things will be so amazing and such a gift from God. Anything I will accomplish as a result of this surgery will be a testament to His goodness!!
God has blessed me in so many ways and I truly feel badly for anyone who doesn't have Him in their lives. I truly didn't know what peace and happiness was until I was saved. Anyone who is reading this and is "on the fence" about belief in God, trust me, giving your life to Him will be the best decision you ever make in your life. I used to believe I wasn't "good enough" to be a Christian, like I had to get my life in order before kneeling before Him and asking forgiveness. But I know now that this is just a lie the enemy feeds us to keep us from a relationship with Christ. God will take us, RIGHT WHERE WE STAND, in the midst of all our sin and our despair and our being so lost we could never hope to find the way on our own, and He will make us new people in Him. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 the Bible says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" God doesn't need our attempts to straighten up our lives, only He is able to truly do that. And while I didn't mean to update here today to preach to anyone, I feel like God is telling me to share this in my journal so that if someone reads my words and understands their message, He would be glorified!!
All I can truly say is that every good thing in my life, including the decision to have this WLS has been a gift from Him and I want everyone to have that same oppurtunity!! God bless you guys!!!
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
2 Corinthians 5:17
6/1/2003
Okay guys, SECOND post in one day, but I'm a bit aggravated about something. If you're reading this, you possibly read the earlier journal entry of the same date. I copied and pasted most of it for the message board and was promptly emailed back that due to my post's "religious content" it was not going to make it to the board. Hmmm... WOW, I really didn't feel like I was trying to "convert" anyone to my own way of beliefs, just was stating that I felt for anyone who didn't have this faith in their lives and was going through surgery, and how much my belief in God has given to my life and has given me personally.
I emailed the AMOS moderators and have yet to hear back, but I certainly meant no offense to anyone by my posting what I did. I only hoped that if anyone was reading my words and was "on the fence" about their beliefs, this was my opinion or my thoughts on that. Well, who knows!! All I know is that I love this board and I guess I'll keep journalling about my blessings rather than posting them on the message board. Anyway, God bless you guys and thanks for the listening ear!!
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking to be put away from you... And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ also forgave you."
Ephesians 4:31-32
6/6/2003
I finally got around to posting some goals on my profile today, and I feel pretty good about them!! I'm confident that I will at least do my BEST to meet some of them, and hopefully most of them. God willing, I will meet them all!! Wouldn't THAT be amazing?!?!?!?!
I'm just so ready to be on the losing side, I can't stand it. I feel like my mind is turning to mush a little more so every day. I can't focus on ANYTHING but what's coming ahead for me, and I've never been the type of person to be that selfish. It's just like I don't care what else is going on, I want MY DAY IN THE SUN!!! I know I deserve this!! I'm worth it!! And it's taken me YEARS to be able to say that, but I NOW know it to be true, I DO DESERVE IT!!!
I'm trusting that God will protect me and I'm standing on His promises that He will never leave or forsake me! It's getting me through!! And He knows how much I want this new and healthier future. He definitely knows!!
ELEVEN DAYS AND A WAKE-UP!!!! YIKES!!!!! :-)
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13
6/18/2003
Surgery today!! I wasn't as nervous as what I thought I would be. I was as calm as I could've hoped for and was prepared for whatever the outcome.
I woke up from the anesthesia constantly and consistently aware of my family being right by my side, holding my hand. I told myself, "It HURTS, so I MUST be alive!!"
First attempt to get out of bed was not good as I got way dizzy, so first walk was to be postponed. Finally walked in the halls late in the evening and BOY was it painful but I was and am very determined to do this RIGHT!!
Nursing care here is great and I really feel well-treated. I have no roommate so my husband gets to stay with me, big WEENIE that I am!! Surgery was uncomplicated and my gallbladder was also removed. My surgery was done open as is my doctor's preference when a patient is greater than 350lbs. No retention sutures were needed as apparently my stomach muscles were in good shape, imagine that!!!
Weight today: 390lbs
"Let the saints be joyful in glory; Let them sing aloud on their beds."
Psalm 149:5
6/19/2003
Still groggy and in alot of pain. But I have my PCA pump, my new best friend, so I'll make the best of it.
Harry is still here with me and I've had some visits from friends and family which have really bolstered my spirits.
Turns out I know my nurse today. She had a family member on the floor of the hospital where I'm a unit secretary. Julie is the GREATEST and I'm lucky to have her caring for me!!
"Give, and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you."
Luke 6:38
6/20/2003
PCA pump was taken out a bit prematurely as I kept infiltrating IV's so I'm now on the liquid Lortab for pain control and it's one of the more disgusting meds I've taken.
I'm a little less thrilled with the nursing care I've gotten today, seeming to take forever for the call lights to be answered and I have to BEG to be walked in the halls. My oxygen is still on and they're trying to wean it, but my sats are too low. Fever is down, my leak test came back okay and hopefully all will be well with O2 levels by tomorrow so that I can go home.
Quick visit with Dr Lindsay and my bandage dressing is off. I have 25 staples and the staple line looks good and is intact. And although Dr Lindsay is NOT the on call doctor this weekend, she says I'll more than likely be discharged.
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
John 14:27
6/21/2003
Going home!!! Or actually I'm going to my mother's house so that she can keep an eye on me. Harry has to go back to work today so she'll come to pick me up from the hospital.
My mom, Sarah, who is the best anyone could ask for, helped me get a shower before we left, which was around 3PM. Had an uneventful trip home and it only took about 35 minutes.
At Mom's I'm finding it nearly impossible to lie down, so it looks like the recliner will be my new sleeping place.
I haven't weighed myself but I'm anxious to do so. I see Dr Lindsay next Thursday so it should be interesting!!
"Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place."
2 Corinthians 2:14
6/26/2003
First follow up with Dr Lindsay was today and all is well according to her.
Staple line still looks good.
Weight today is 374lbs, so 16lbs gone FOREVER!!!
"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness."
Isaiah 61:10
7/3/2003
Second follow up with Dr Lindsay and she thinks maybe the incision is getting infected. She gave me a prescription for liquid Keflex. Staples were removed and although this thought TERRIFIED me, it wasn't as bad as I imagined. Only a bit of pain!!
Weight today is 366lbs, so 24lbs gone FOREVER!!
"The ransomed of the Lord...shall obtain joy and gladness; sorrow and sighing shall flee away."
Isaiah 51:11
7/4/2003
Woke up to find serous, pus-like, milky liquid rolling out from between my steri-strips, placed on my incision line after my staples had been removed. Harry had just left for work and I was in a PANIC!! It was my FIRST day home by myself since my surgery. I called my mom, then called the hospital operator to page my surgeon. Dr Lindsay was not on call but Dr Boyer, who assisted on my procedure, will meet me at JCM emergency room!!
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28
7/5/2003
Dr Boyer is SO nice!!!! He had to open about an inch to an inch and a half spot on my incision line and flush and drain the infection out. It's gross, but I have to pack and re-dress the wound three times daily. I can do this!!
On a positive note, my blood pressure was GREAT at 123/68!!!
"A merry heart does good, like medicine..."
Proverbs 17:22
7/7/2003
Wound follow up with Dr Lindsay. She advises to stay on the Keflex and says it's looking good.
Weight today is 360lbs, so 30lbs gone FOREVER!!
"Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
Matthew 28:20
7/14/2003
Second wound follow up with Dr Lindsay. We're changing to a powdered dressing called MULTIDEX and she is saying everything looks wonderful. No follow up needed now until August 21st.
Weight today is 353lbs, so 37lbs gone FOREVER!!!
"Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
Romans 5:5
7/24/2003
I've hit the HALF-CENTURY mark!! In just about five weeks or so!!! In my WILDEST dreams I couldn't have imagined I'd be this blessed. I'd hoped to have 30-35lbs gone prior to going back to work but now it looks as if it'll be 50-55lbs. Amazing!!
On that note, I go back to work on Monday July 28th and although I'm still kinda tired, I think I'm ready.
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."
Psalm 23:1
8/1/2003
Welp, I've done my first week back to work. I worked Monday for twelve hours, then Thursday and Friday, both for twelve hours and it was not as bad as I'd anticipated. I felt I'd be completely exhausted, and while I'm tired, it's not nearly what I was expecting.
My co-workers' reactions have been priceless. To date I've lost 55lbs and I'm amazed at what a difference it's made in the shape of my body. My belly isn't nearly as protruding as what it was, my calves and ankles are smaller, even my wrist is smaller. I'd say the biggest difference is in my face and since I think that's what people see first, I attribute that to why they've been reacting so pricelessly. I have to admit I've been enjoying the attention although it's a bit disconcerting and I'm just trying not to let it go to my head. The real "star" of the situation is the fact that I'm now off all the diabetes medications and that my blood sugars are in the normal range without any meds at all. My blood pressure is also in a normal range and I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.
Eating is catch as catch can, so to speak. One week I'll be able to eat a few bites of chicken just fine and the next it makes me feel a bit ill. I've really only vomited once, and that was after eating three boiled shrimp dipped in a bit of cocktail sauce. So far, I can't eat tomatoes, refried beans, steak, and the boiled shrimp. I got some advice today from an obesityhelp alumnae who suggested trying some of these foods again after a week or two, that it may be a temporary thing. So I think I'll slowly reintroduce some items and see what happens.
I know I'm not getting my protein in and I need to do something to rectify that situation. I think I'll begin to look at some protein drinks or shakes. I might try Isopure because I can't even THINK about trying a thicker one right now. We'll see how that goes.
Weight today: 335lbs, so 55lbs gone FOREVER!!
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9
8/5/2003
Well this has NOT been a banner day for me. First off, the scale hasn't moved in four days, which I KNOW isn't Earth-shattering but my weight loss had been so good and so steady up to now and it's kind of aggravating. Especially when I think of how much I've kicked in with the exercise and with the getting more protein in. UGH!!
Second of all, Harry and I had a HUGE argument on the way to work this morning over something completely ridiculous!! And before I knew it, he was SCREAMING at me at the top of his lungs. His attitude and his treatment of me here lately has been appalling and I'm getting very tired of it. I pray and pray and PRAY to be the best wife I can to him and now I'm coming to realize that I'm being emotionally abused. He controls or attempts to control every aspect of my life. I work full time yet he expects me to hand him over my paycheck every time I get it. I live there and help to take care of the house, yet I'm not "allowed" to have my family come over. He attempts to isolate me in any way he can and I'm getting very disturbed about it.
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Romans 8:31
8/9/2003
Another day, another post...LOL
I just wanted to take an oppurtunity here on my profile journal to list some things I'm thankful for after having WLS and then to list some things I'm not so thankful for!
1) I'm thankful that I'm now off all three of my formerly daily diabetes medications.
2) I'm thankful for the size 28 jeans (with no stretch) that I can now get back into for the first time in five years.
3) I'm thankful that God brought me through my surgery with little or no complication.
4) I'm thankful for the advice, support and prayers of my AMOS-sibs.
5) I'm thankful for the good reactions from family and co-workers when they tell me how proud they are of all I've accomplished.
6) I'm thankful that I now have enough lap to hold my wireless WebTV keyboard actually ON my lap.
7) I'm thankful that I now have the energy to walk up and down the halls at the hospital where I work without being worn out.
8) I'm thankful for the scale which is now 56lbs lighter.
1) I'm not so thankful that I can no longer belch... sometimes you just gotta!!
2) I'm not so thankful that one day I can eat a scrambled egg (or piece of chicken or tuna salad) and then the next, I can't!
3) I'm not so thankful for that odd feeling I get in my throat and chest when I take too big a bite of something.
4) I'm not so thankful for how much more possessive and controlling my husband has become since my weight has started to come off.
5) I'm not so thankful for the days I have a craving for a food I just KNOW I won't be able to tolerate!
6) I'm not so thankful for the people in my life who interpret every bit of nausea or lack of being able to eat a "normal" sized meal with an "I told you not to do this!" look. (Although I have to admit, these people are few and far between for me, a fact for which I'm thankful!)
7) I'm not so thankful for the vomit-y feeling I sometimes get but I can't vomit!
All in all, I have to say that if I had it to do over again, I would still have the WLS. The pros are DEFINITELY outweighing the cons at this point. I know that as time goes by, I'll be able to eat a bigger variety of foods. For now, the things I can't eat are: tomatoes, refried beans, grape juice, steak or basically any red meat, boiled shrimp, and sometimes scrambled egg. I know this will pass, and I know the best is yet to come!
The compliments I've been getting are nice, but it's a bit disconcerting when one isn't used to getting them. I'm finding myself feeling like a broken record when people ask me "how I'm doing," and I answer, "Off all the diabetes meds, blood pressure normal, blood sugars normal and 55lbs gone!" I find myself hating to say these words, not because I'm ashamed or upset or that I wish it weren't so, quite the opposite in fact, but because it almost feels like bragging. And I'm NOT bragging, truly!! Some days, I just think, the surgery's OVER, let's stop talking about it. And I don't mean that in a bad way, I'm SO thankful that I've had this change for my life. SO VERY THANKFUL INDEED!!! So it's not that at all. And I'm not embarassed that I "had to resort" to surgery to lose weight. I'm again very thankful for this tool and very grateful to God for bringing me to this thing I've done! It just makes me feel as if my weight loss is the ONLY interesting thing about me. I guess this just serves as a reminder that we are so focused on outward appearances in our society.
I'm sure there'll be some who will read this and disagree, or maybe even be critical of this statement. Then again, others may understand it. Either way, it's JUST the way I feel right now. For better or for worse, these are my feelings!! And I don't know how to take it all in right now. I'm just trying to cope. I haven't been a person who has had to deal much, thus far, with head hunger. But this taking compliments and that type of thing has been the "toughie" so far for me. I know I'll adjust at some point, I just wish it would be SOON!!
I have, on a good note, found a protein drink I can tolerate. And I even found it on the first try. I bought Pro-Flex Whey Protein powder in vanilla at VitaminWorld in Greenwood Mall. Through some trial and error, I've found that I like it best with 2 scoops of powder (contains 34g protein), 6oz 2% milk, three to four large ice cubes, half a banana sliced and three packets of WalMart brand Nutrasweet. I whirl this around in the blender until smooth and I can tolerate it pretty well. Sure it's a bit grainy but doesn't really bother me. Tonight I'm going to buy some Dr Atkins powder and try that in chocolate, I think! We'll see what Wally World has to offer.
I've also started a WLS Helpful Hints and Tips file in my computer. I cut and paste from people's posts, or profiles or from the Message Board or question file anything I think might be helpful to me in the future and save it on a Word document. It's now several pages long and I have some truly great ideas, recipes and tips! I think it's a rather ingenious idea if I do say so myself!!
Weight today: 334lbs so 56lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
"Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, And He shall hear my voice."
Psalm 55:17
8/15/2003
I swear, I don't know HOW much more of this I can take!! UGH!! This day is sucking BIGTIME!! Between work and my husband and my family, I don't know whether I'm coming or going!!
First off, eating these days has been challenging, to say the least. I'm NEVER hungry and I KNOW I should be eating, but it's like I just can't make myself do it!! I think I'm depressed, in a very general sense and I know that's impacting it all. The only thing I can consistently eat is my protein bars and I can't eat those three times a day every day. I'm trying and trying to get my water intake in every day, but that's hard on the days I work. A food I can eat today, I can't count on the fact that I'll be able to eat it tomorrow or next week or even a few hours later. It's driving me crazy!! I called Dr Lindsay's office and she prescribed Phenergan 25mg tablets for me, but they make me so sleepy it's hard for me to take them unless I do it right before bedtime. Then the next day, I'm so dragged out, I feel like I'm walking under water.
I did receive my sample of Apple Fusion Nectar from Syntrax in the mail recently and made a cup of it. I mixed the contents of the pouch with eight ounces of water as directed and my first and second thoughts were, "This'll be the like drinking PASTE" and "WOW, what bright green color!!" But it mixed up very well and, when poured over ice, was pretty tasty!! I've done some internet research and found it available for even cheaper than the cost to order straight through Syntrax ($39.95 from them and I found it for $22.50)!! So I think I'll order some. Between that and the Carb Solutions creamy peanut butter protein bars, hopefully I'll be getting all my protein in on a somewhat consistent basis!!
The situation with my husband had been improving here lately until tonight. He was supposed to get off work, then run a few errands, then go over to my Mom's to go with my aunt over to a business here in town where my husband knows the owner. This guy was going to sell my aunt one of those ride-around scooter thingies, because she's MO and has trouble getting around. About 5PM, my mom calls me (and I'm at work, mind you) and says that my husband hasn't shown up over there yet and can I get in contact with him. So I call his work, he's already gone. I call home, not there yet, so I left him a message. He didn't call me back. So about 5:30PM my mom calls again (I'm STILL at work!!) and wants to know what I've found out. Nothing, I tell her, I can't get ahold of him!! So she's freaking out about how Aunt Barbara wants to BUY the scooter, not just look at it (originally tonight was just to be a "checkin' it out" mission) and now she's afraid she'll miss it. So here I am... AGAIN... stuck in between husband and family on an issue. I NEVER win in these circumstances, and by winning I mean, I usually end up with both Mom and Harry mad at me. I then called this owner of the business, let him know I'm Harry's wife and the niece of the lady who's wanting the scooter, and he says he'll stay open for her if she'll come right over. Called Mom's house, tell her to send the aunt over, and he'll take care of her. Finally Harry calls me, says he just got home and got my message. Here I am, smack dab in the middle. I tell him Mom was worried, said you'd be over right after work, etc etc. He says "NO!!!!" Says he told her he had errands to run first and all that. UGH!! I hate this crap. So I'm fielding phone call after phone call, and again, I'M AT WORK PEOPLE!! I'm ready to strangle both of them, but what do I do... I start bawling like a baby!! It's been a TRULY stressful day here at work, phones ringing off the hook and all that and they can't even BEGIN to just leave me alone so I can get on with the rest of my day. Then apparently my mom calls my husband (NEVER a good idea, the two of them are like OIL & WATER BIGTIME!!) and then calls me back, saying that he's not mad at me, etc. Then the husband calls, "Did you call your mom all crying and upset?" JEEZ!! I called my mom and asked her if she called him, and she admitted she had. I told her, "Don't you realize, you just make it worse for me. You call him and get after him for getting mad at me and then he calls me and it's a hundred times worse!!" So she gets ticked and hangs up on me!!
God bless America, I just can't win!!! I dunno what to do anymore!! It's like, for the sake of my marriage, I need to distance myself from my mom, but I can't and won't, because I love and respect her to do that. But I can't distance myself from my husband either, or my already rocky marriage may just fall in a hole somewhere.
I'm so confused and neither of them is helping matters at all. Now they're both mad at me and I'm sick of it!!
"Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report...meditate on these things."
Philippians 4:8
8/19/2003
Another day in paradise!! :-)
I've reached another goal and I KNOW I should be happy about it. And I am happy, I'm just also sad and confused right now. I'm afraid my marriage is ending, as every time I have a good day, it's followed up by four bad ones. I know my husband is rebelling against my new-found self-confidence and that it's threatening to him. But I've had just enough "taste" of it, that I'm not going back to the old me, the doormat. Just not going back there...EVER!!
Take last week for example. My husband and I get paid every other week on the same week, same day, and this is the usual rundown. He's off every pay Thursday and I work every pay Thursday. So he'll either come by my workplace and pick up my check, take it to the bank and cash it or whatever. This past week I was able to get off early, so he came to pick me up from work and we both went to the bank together. We were sitting together in the drive-thru line there and when the envelope reached us, he handed it to me as he usually does so I could count it. When I counted it, I kept a one hundred dollar bill. He asked me what that was for, and I said it was for the fact that I'm a 35 year old woman who is tired of working full-time and walking around without a dime to my name, that's what it's about. He gave me "the look" and instead of giving in, like I normally would've, I gave "the look" right back to him. I told him he might as well get used to it, cause this is the new me, no more doormat. He wasn't happy but he let it slide.
I'm tired of feeling that I have to walk on eggshells where he's concerned. If he can't be the man I deserve to have in my life, then I need to go on, I think that's just all there is to it. I spent my twenties, being married to a man who cheated and lied and refused to take responsibility and keep a job and now I feel like I'm spending my thirties with one who is controlling, domineering and hiding behind religious convictions to make the way he treats me "right" in the eyes of God. I don't want to be berated by having this opinion, although I know some reading this might feel that way. I'm a Christian and while I'm trying to give this all up to God, I can't help but feel that I'm being taken advantage of and mistreated. Surely God doesn't mean for me to live like this. I try very hard to see any sin in myself before I point a finger at anyone else, and I know I'm not perfect. But I deserve a man who's going to treat me like what I am: a person of value, morals and intelligence.
In a very difficult conversation about a week ago, my husband admitted to me that he didn't find me sexually attractive, and that to tell the truth, he hadn't really found me attractive in that way since we'd met. I know I haven't talked much about the more intimate parts of my life, but I want to share it here because of what a profound impact it had on me when he said it. In my previous marriage, sex was never an issue in this way. My ex-husband and I had a very healthy intimate relationship and despite my weight, I felt no inhibitions with him and as a general rule, we were "good" together in this area of our marriage. When I met my current husband, I knew he had little or no experience in intimate relationships. He'd been saved as a Christian when he was 12 years old and was always committed to saving sex until marriage. And although we did fool around a bit before the wedding, we didn't actually consummate the marriage until we said "I do!" Again, I want to go on record as saying I'm not normally someone who discusses these things with alot of people, and feel even a little foolish doing so here, but this has been a great weight on my shoulders, no pun intended. I would say that in the four years my husband and I have been married, we may have only made love about twenty times. It's never been very satisfying to me and I can't see how it's been satisfying to my husband either. I've broached this subject with him several times and all I ever get are repeated apologies that he's "not being a very good husband" to me, but no answers. I want counseling for us, not just for this area of our relationship, but in general and he categorically refuses.
So finally in this conversation the other day where he dropped his bomb on me, we finally got to the nitty gritty. As he and I had met on the internet, we, in essence, fell in love before we'd ever laid eyes on each other. I told him my size although not my weight, and he did eventually see a nearly full length picture of me. I knew he was kind of a big guy, he's 6'4" and about 375lbs but that never turned me off. I mean, I just assumed that the way we felt about each other would make things in that way just kinda "take care of themselves." Well, they haven't. It's miserable. And not only that, he's not very affectionate with me either.
I need affection, I know everyone does, but I need him to hold my hand, or hug me or just pat me on the leg, even, as we watch a movie or TV. I don't think this is asking much and now, given his admission, I don't know where we go from here. I wonder if I can stay married to someone who doesn't even want to hug and kiss me.
Weight today: 330lbs so 60lbs GONE FOREVER!!
"You were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession."
Ephesians 1:13-14
8/24/2003
BOY am I glad I'm off work the next two days!!!! It's my weekend to work and it's been kind of a doozy. Not so much busy, per se, but just phones ringing off the hook, basically the day conspiring to tick me off, if you know what I mean!!
Eating is STILL challenging!! And while I'm rarely ever hungry, I think I am beginning to mourn food. I want to eat, I really WANT to eat. I've said to people, if I could ONLY eat ONE BITE of a big sandwich or something!! It's so silly! I know I made this decision and I know it was the right one, that I'm not doubting!! But I just feel that I have, in a way, lost my lifelong companion, FOOD!! I knew I was an emotional eater, that's no big surprise. And I've certainly had much to be emotional about lately with the marriage issues, my cousin being "diagnosed" with cancer and then none being found upon later checking into it, not to mention all the stress of going back to work, dealing with all the attention when it's not something I'm used to, etc etc. It seems like a never-ending saga, and I'm almost getting tired of hearing myself whine about it.
I'm finding that the more weight that comes off, the less likely I am to "put up with" stuff that goes on in my life. Things I would have let slide before, I'm getting more pointed about. I'm not nearly as likely to let a co-worker walk all over me, or to take guff at home. A friend at work said the other day to another co-worker of ours, "I think when they did that surgery on Amy's belly, the gave her a backbone as well!" LOL!! I thought that was pretty darned funny!!
I know this all isn't going to be easy, and I don't think I was actually expecting it to be. So much has been going on. My best girlfriend from junior high and high school is now back in town, having recently separated from her husband. She has three children with him and apparently, abuse was involved. She said it began as control issues, then escalated and escalated until it became physical in nature. When he began hurting the kids too, she left. Her divorce will be final next month and the part that concerns me is that she appears to be "sowing some wild oats." Now, she's a grown woman and it's not my business what she does necessarily, but I'm concerned for her. I too had some wild oats of my own before I became a Christian and I now know that I regret alot of what went on in my personal life, and alot of the decisions I made. I don't want her to experience the same regret and with children also to deal with, I think this just makes it even harder. Anything she, as a mom, does affects them too!! She and I were concert going buddies back in the day and somewhere deep down, I believe she thinks we'll just step right back into our old ways. I've changed... ALOT!! The day we got to see each other last week, she told me she was going to the KISS/Aerosmith concert the next night. She made some comment about wishing I could go with her. I told her that the funny thing was I didn't even LISTEN to secular music anymore, only contemporary Christian. And she said she'd just have to "corrupt" me!! UGH!! I wish I knew how to handle THIS one!! My husband and I are going to see a Christian concert here in our town in a couple of weeks; Mark Schultz is going to be at Community Church of Columbus on September 5th and we've invited her. I think she's going to attend, so hopefully she'll see that this music is good, it's not all sappy, mushy stuff, but very quality music nowadays!!
Weight today is STILL 330lbs, so 60lbs STILL GONE FOREVER!!
"The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
8/30/2003
I'm finding life so challenging these days. Not only am I in the midst of working many days in a row (I'm on the fourth day of nine) but the eating is still a problem and I'm just basically feeling "disconnected" from things and people. I think I need to talk to my PCP about this, I wonder if I'm depressed?!? I'm pretty sure I am, at least a bit.
Things are somewhat better at home, now with my husband and I being in a "good stretch" as it were. He's been very loving and attentive and I'm not sure what to think about it. I dunno if he's realizing some things, if God's convicting him of some of his behaviors, but whatever's happening, it's better. I'm so thankful, but on the other hand, it makes me a bit frightened for what may be coming. Usually when we have a really good stretch together, it's followed by a really horrible one, where I question how I could've even THOUGHT of marrying him.
The one thing that would make us so happy at the moment would be to get moved back into town. We live in a slightly rural housing addition, renting a teeny tiny little three bedroom house. We've lived there now for just a bit over two years, having lived in an apartment for the first two years of our marriage. I didn't mind the apartment so much, but we had his mom with us at the time and we were cramped, sort of feeling like we were all living "on top of each other." But now, we have her happily ensconced in her own apartment, in a seniors low-income complex and it's just Harry and myself. She's been away from us now for nearly six months or more. And while it's been enjoyable, as she and I have never gotten along well at all, it's been challenging in that it takes my husband a good fifteen to twenty minutes on way to get from our place to her apartment. And as he makes several trips per week over there, the miles are beginning to add up!!
My mom and I just the other day went to look at a possible rental property for us to consider. Harry had to work that day and was okay with not seeing it. He told me that if I liked it alot, he'd then go look at it at another time. It's an apartment and space-wise, it's MUCH bigger than the house we rent now. It's set up like a townhome, main living areas downstairs and bedrooms up. It's around 1500 square feet, compared to the 960 square feet we have now in the house. Downstairs, the front entrance takes you into a hall. To your right is the small but well laid out kitchen. There isn't alot of cabinet space, but it's sufficient. Straight in from the entrance is a hall, with a large storage closet to the left, then a half bath. The laundry area is enclosed behind bi-fold doors on the right of this hallway, then the area for the furnace and hot water heater. The end of the hall opens up into the large, square living room, which has French doors, and a corner brick fireplace. Making a U-turn takes us into the dining area, then through a door, you're back in the kitchen. Upstairs are the three bedrooms, a full bath in the hall with linen closet, hall storage closet, and in the master bedroom there is an additional half-bath and HUGE storage closet. Back downstairs, out the French doors, is a deck/outdoor are with plenty of space for one of those outdoor storage units and a place for Harry to park his motorcycle.
The problem, you ask?? I can't get my husband to go look at it. It's PERFECT for us!! PLENTY of space, OODLES of storage opportunities, and a GREAT location!! I'm trying to "work on him" as it were and HOPEFULLY we'll get moved in. Oh, and also, the rent is $625/month, a full FIVE DOLLARS cheaper than what we pay now. And the townhouse sits in a really nice fourplex in a sweet, quaint little neighborhood.
Ahh well, if it's meant to be, we'll get there.
Weight today: 327lbs, so 63lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things."
Matthew 6:34
8/31/2003
It's been quite a bad morning already and it's only 8:55 in the morning. I just got some very disturbing news and tried to post to ask for prayers from some OH prayer warriors out there, only to find an email from a moderator stating that my request was going to be denied as being too "personal" in nature. I'm flabbergasted and quite upset. I've posted many requests for prayer in the past, about a cousin with cancer, about my own marital situation, and suddenly non-WLS prayer requests aren't allowed?!?!?! I don't know what to say!! If anyone should read this and wish to email me, I'll explain. I'm just very upset for my family this morning and don't feel like I have any support right now.
Update to the above: I reposted just a basic "need prayer for a family situation" to the boards, which was allowed, and have since gotten a few emails regarding the situation. In a nutshell, my sister's ex-husband Brian, who is also the father of my beautiful 11yr old niece Ellie, is manic-depressive and after being off his medications for heaven only knows how long, then drinking and drugging it up yesterday, attempted to kill both his second wife and mother-in-law. He then attempted to kill himself by swallowing a handful of Xanax and slitting his wrists. In the midst of all this, he fled the scene (they live in Tennessee) and was apprehended in or around Bowling Green, Kentucky for reckless driving. He's in jail there now, under suicide watch, awaiting extradition to TN for two counts of attempted murder. He's already done prison time once in his past and had previously told my sister that he'd kill himself before he went back to prison like that. My poor niece, I can only imagine what she must be thinking and feeling right now. For all the issues and problems I've had with my father, I can't even fathom what it must be like to have a dad who's incarcerated. I know there are many children out there in this situation and also other mothers of kids out there whose exes are in similar situations as well. I was only asking for prayers for Brian and for Ellie and I guess I was unsure or unclear as to why this request was denied by the OH moderators. I try to be very understanding of the fact that there are guidelines but would also like to know which "rule" I broke with my post. The email stated that my post was too "personal" and I just can't comprehend it all!!
(NOTE: Added 10/3/2004 - YES, for anyone following my profile, this is the SAME Brian I'm now involved with, quite seriously as a matter of fact. I learned, not long after Brian and I started talking, the real TRUTH about what happened in TN and I'm quite thankful to say that it wasn't what I'd posted above. And while I won't invade his privacy by going into anymore detail than I've already gone into, suffice it to say, he's a changed man, in more ways than one. He's putting his life back together and has come SO far in this short amount of time. He didn't end up facing attempted murder charges although he did do some prison time for the whole situation. It was just, all in all, a bad scenario and Renee and her mother basically lied about what had happened & how it all went down. I'm just so thankful that I now know the truth of what happened and that I've been able to see beneath the surface to how Brian has changed my life by being a part of it. He is such a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. He says that I brought him back to life, but I think he's restored my faith in love and relationships again. I don't know which of us is the luckier of the two...lol I think we're both pretty lucky!!)
On to other things now. I've read here on the message boards that September 19th is "National Make Your Legislator Aware of Obesity" day. I've drafted a letter and although I think it needs some "tweaking," I kinda think it's good. I'll post it here below:
Dear State Legislator or Official:
September 19th, 2003 has been designated as “National Make Your Legislators Aware of Obesity” day. I am writing to you to ask for your active participation in making our federal, state, and local governments more aware of the devastation of obesity and how it can effectively disable a person.
I am an active member of an online community called the Association for Morbid Obesity Support, otherwise known as AMOS, which can be found at www.obesityhelp.com. Obesity in our country, as you well know, is rampant. It is speculated that there are more obese people living in the United States now than ever before, and this is an issue which needs addressed. While many are able to initially lose part or all of their surplus pounds, the statistics are overwhelmingly against most of them being able to maintain their weight through these more “traditional” means, and I would like to ask for consideration that weight loss surgeries or WLS be made more readily available to anyone who qualifies.
For myself personally, obesity has been a lifelong struggle. I was born into a family where weight is an issue for practically everyone. And while I’m not negating any personal responsibility for my obese status, I want to convey that many people out there do spend their entire lives fighting a losing battle, when it comes to losing weight. In my nearly thirty-six years, I’ve tried every diet in the book from fads to programs to starving myself. I succeeded in only one thing: eating myself up to 390 pounds. I developed Type-II diabetes, and was on three different oral medications daily in an attempt to control my disease. I finally, with much support from family and friends, found a surgeon with whom I felt comfortable, after doing much research on the WLS available to me. I am lucky and blessed to have an insurance plan that recognizes WLS as a pro-active treatment against further complications from obesity to my health and future.
I read somewhere recently that “fat prejudice” is the only remaining socially acceptable form of bias in our society today. We live in such a politically correct world and no one would dare turn down someone for a job for a racial or sexual orientation reason. But you can bet there are those of us who are morbidly obese (MO) that have been turned down for employment for one reason or another. The fact of the matter is that the MO are not out of control, undisciplined, lazy, stupid or insignificant. We are simply people with a disease who need help.
Weight loss surgery is helping to save my life. I am now showing normal blood sugars without the help of any of my formerly necessary diabetes medications. My energy level has skyrocketed, my knee and hip joints no longer ache constantly. I can walk several miles per week without draining myself, physically, and have even begun weight training for upper body strength. My fervent hope and prayer is that it can help save other’s lives as it has mine. Every insurance company should be legally required to cover this surgery in one way or another. WLS is not for those seeking to just take off a few pounds and is not just for the sake of vanity. It exists to treat those whose body mass index or BMI is high enough to put them in the morbidly obese or even super obese category. It also exists to treat those whose co-morbidity factors, like diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea and heart-related conditions, will most likely end their lives prematurely.
Please do your part to help the MO community have a voice in our society and in our government. I thank you for your time.
Respectfully,
Amy Gill
Columbus, IN
If you're reading this, email me and let me know what you think!! I'd be interested in seeing others' letters and how they plan to proceed with "being heard!"
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled."
Matthew 5:6
9/1/2003
WOW, it does NOT seem possible that it's September already!! I can't believe how quickly the summer has passed, and it's already on the way to fall. I LOVE the fall!! I LOVE wearing jeans and sweaters and cute little ankle boots. I LOVE the crispness in the air and how my cheeks are reddened by the wind and chill. We have a local festival called "Fort Vallonia Days" that's in nearby Vallonia Indiana and it's a BLAST!! I look forward to going to this every year. I think this year I'm going to ask off if it's a weekend I'm going to be scheduled to work. I hate to miss it, it's so much fun, and I always enjoy walking around and seeing all there is to see. There are country crafts, baskets, all manner of wood items, flea market finds, and of course, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!
I was sitting here this morning thinking about how I always anticipate attending this event. Vallonia is where my aunt and uncle live and it ends up being like this big ole' family reunion. People we don't see at hardly ANY other time of the year can be found there at Aunt Barb & Uncle Jimmy's house and we all congregate on their large country porch to watch the passersby and the parade. But what I was thinking of mainly was how this, like so many other activities in my life as a pre-op, is SO full of eating. I mean, I couldn't wait to go there to eat a pork burger and some deep-fried veggies and a corn dog and sodas... and SWEETS, we CAN'T forget those pies and cakes and cookies and homemade fudge. UGH!! Being a post-op now, I'm amazed at how MUCH life revolved around food. EVERY family get together, EVERY social event, EVERYTHING was and is food-based. Even at this Fort Vallonia Days thing that I love so much, my aunt spends days before cooking, making pots of chili and deviled eggs and whatever else. And everyone brings food with them, or goes over to the festival, which is in walking distance of their home, and brings food back, fish sandwiches, and onion blossoms and anything else. It's amazing to me, just amazing. Now it seems unreal to me, how much I would eat there. It wouldn't be anything for me to arrive there, and immediately go downtown, get the "first wave" of food, walk around eating, then get something else, go back to my aunts, sit for awhile, go downtown, eat some more. HOW DID I DO THAT?? How did I put SO much food in my body??
It's like the food was insulating me against whatever outside forces there were that I felt were against me. But did it work? Obviously not. I still felt pain. I still felt loneliness. I still got hurt when people said unkind things to me. Probably more so, as the MO are frequently targets of unkind words and hateful or pitying looks from strangers. The more I ate, the more harsh people could be. And the more harsh people could be, the more I ate. What a never-ending cycle it all was!! And at times I wonder, how did I let myself get to 390lbs. How did I keep eating until I was diabetic and out of control and so terribly unhappy? Didn't I even see what I was doing to myself?? Didn't I know that attempting to mask the unhappiness with food was just creating more unhappiness? Somewhere deep down, I must've known. But I sure buried that awareness deep within.
Now as I peel back the layers of the years of hurt and pain and silence, what is underneath is sometimes raw and fragile. And sometimes the newfound strength just astounds me. The self-confidence I'm discovering is so wild!! I don't know how I lived so long believing that I was unworthy of feeling great about myself. I don't know how I lived so long believing I didn't deserve supportive relationships. And I don't know how I lived so long believing that I was a second-rate, undisciplined, insignificant member of society. So as I muddle through these post-op days, sometimes fear can overtake me. When eating isn't going well, I ask myself if I've done the right thing. When a compliment from someone takes me by surprise, I ask myself when I'll ever get used to them. But most times, I'm just so thankful. To God, to my family, to those who love and care about me, and to those here at AMOS, who are so uniquely qualified to understand me right where I am, in any given moment.
Weight today: 326lbs, so 64lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
"My only sketch, profile, of Heaven is a large blue sky... larger than the biggest I have seen in June -- and in it are my friends -- every one of them."
Emily Dickinson
9/6/2003
It's a BEAUTIFUL September Saturday here in Indiana, and although I'm at work, we have LARGE floor to ceiling windows in the nurse's station of the unit where I'm a secretary, so I get a GREAT view, right from my seat.
I hopped on the scale awhile ago, when I first got to work this morning and have lost another two pounds. THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS AMAZING GIFT!! I just might make it to my 9/15 goal of losing 75 lbs after all. I have nine pounds to go and nine days to get me there. Protein train, here I come!!
Eating is getting just a wee bit better. I was actually able to keep some salad sized shrimp down for about three days in a row, and not only did it stay down, it tasted DELICIOUS!!! That was a great idea I came up with, if I don't say so myself. :-)
I was at WalMart the other day, trying to find something, ANYTHING, I thought I might be able to eat. I hadn't tried shrimp since it had made me yak at about seven weeks post-op. But I remembered the sage advice of Ms Teann Smallwood, and decided to try it again. I saw this 12 ounce package of salad sized shrimp and thought, hmmm... maybe THIS would work. The small size of the shrimp might be to my benefit, as I still suffer with forgetting to eat small bites from time to time. I thought I'd try them, and at least buying them in this medium, I could only thaw as many as I thought I'd be able to eat at one time. So I tried, and as I said, they went down very well. I dipped them in a bit of cocktail sauce and OH MY, HEAVEN!! I haven't eaten anything that tasted that good since my surgery, I think!!
I was over at my sister's house the other day, and my sweet little baby Allison was being so precious. She got out of the bathtub, and I dried her off and got her into her pull-up and nightgown. She looked so adorable in her Barbie nightie and then she asked for her pacifier. She climbed up on my lap and let me hold her just like a little baby. She NEVER lets ANYONE hold her like that!! I was being silly, telling her that if she came to live with Aunt Amy and Uncle Harry, I'd rock her to sleep like that every night. My sister laughed and said, "Yeah, if she was YOURS, you CERTAINLY wouldn't be rocking her to sleep every night!" It was just funny and she was so precious. I'm amazed at the love I have for those children, even though I'm thinking that I truly don't want kids of my own. I think I might be more suited to spoiling the nieces and nephew and giving them back!! LOL!!!
I've been thinking alot today about my relationship with food, and about how much it's changed. I no longer obsess about what I'm going to put in my mouth twenty-four hours a day. Although I do think about it, because of needing to plan and trying to figure out what I'll tolerate, it just doesn't have the hold on me like it used to. I'm so thankful for that. I still watch the Food Network alot. My husband thinks I should stop, but I think it's just because HE doesn't like it, and WISHES I'd stop watching!! :-)
Weight today: 324lbs so 66lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!
"...I stand before you now, as one that knows about coming to Him open, and broken..."
"Back in His Arms Again" by Mark Schultz
9/8/2003
UGH, I'm sitting here with a pukey tummy right now. I ate three teeny tiny bites of a cheesestick and it's just NOT agreeing with this daggone little pouch of mine. This eating thing is so odd. One day, something will be just fine, agree totally with my gut, then the next, NO WAY!! I guess "this too shall pass" but in the meantime, YIKES!!
I'm less than one hour from being off work, finishing up my third day of three in a row. At the hospital, where I'm a medical/oncology unit secretary, I have an every two week rotating schedule so I'll work three days, off two, work two more, then off three, etc etc, and I do mostly twelve hour days. I LOVE having the additional days off, but when I'm in the midst of my three day weekend, it feels never-ending. I worked twelve hours Saturday, eight hours on Sunday and then twelve hours today. It just makes for a LONG stretch, and even though I really love my job, I'm ready for a few days off!! BIGTIME!!
I've had some cool emails today from Joy here at OH.com. What a fantastic person, so sweet! I'm so blessed to have the support I've found here, it's just amazing to me that so many people reach out to others in this forum with so much love and compassion, with so much warmth. I was so thankful to hear of Teann's good news. And I really enjoy supporting the new surgery dates and sending out well-wishes to others. I haven't been as good about posting support to the surgery pages as I should, and I really am gonna get back in the "groove" of that here soon.
Dang, my guts really are heaving. I may have to flee from my desk and "pray to the porcelain gods" or something similarly disgusting. It's times like this I wish I could throw up, 'cause the feeling of just needing to, but not being able to is miserable!!!
On a brighter note, weight today: 323lbs so 67lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
9/16/2003
Welp, it's another day here in lovely Southern Indiana and the weather is BEAUTIFUL!!! Fall has arrived in all her splendor, and I very enthusiastically wore a sweater and khakis to work today!! I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR!!! I love the crispness in the air, I love the clothes, I love the slight chill when I leave the house in the morning!! And I can't wait for Fort Vallonia Days. I can't remember if I've explained here what that is, but in a nutshell, it's a festival in a town nearby, where my aunt and uncle live and it's SO FUN!! LOADS of flea market stuff to choose from and I have such a great time just seeing all the folks I only see during this time. So many people in my dad's family are there and I rarely if ever see them otherwise, so that's always cool. And I will have the Saturday of that weekend off, despite it being my weekend to work, I asked ahead to be sure, and my manager said YES!!
On the WLS front, eating is becoming a bit easier. Luckily, nearly everything I've tried to eat today has gone down better and I've not felt pukey or anything. I know this too shall pass, but sometimes it gets to me. I've also lost another six pounds since my last update here so that's good news as well. I've found those Campbells Soup at Hand things in WalMart and they're not too high in carbs, they have 11gm protein and sometimes I just HAVE to eat something warm. I feel like all I eat is cold foods anymore and sometimes my belly needs the warmth. They're delicious!!!
Work has been challenging today as I have a co-worker who just drives me to distraction. She is so annoying and I just perceive that she does it on purpose. I guess I need to be the bigger person and not give in to her petty ways, but it's just difficult at times when I feel that she does anything she can to "get my goat" so to speak! I'll have to pray about this situation, cause otherwise I'll strangle her!! LOL
I was unpleasantly awakened yesterday morning with burning and lower left flank pain which can, for me, only mean one thing: A KIDNEY STONE! Then after that first morning pee, I knew something was up. My urine was as red as the red on the American flag!! UGH!!! I've had four bouts of these in the past and I generally know what they feel like, and how they feel when they're coming on. I called my PCP first thing, told her office about the gross amount of blood in my urine and about the flank pain, and a nurse said she'd tell Dr Lovins and that if no one had called me by 10:30AM to call the office back again. The nurse called me at around 10:10 and said that my PCP wanted me to come into the hospital for a STAT urinalysis, so I came in and peed in a cup for them. It wasn't an hour later that Dr Lovins called me personally and said that I might be the best judge of whether I had a kidney stone or not but that I did also have a RAGING UTI going on. She also said that she wanted to call me in an antibiotic, some Pyridium for the bladder spasms and some Lortab, in case it really was a kidney stone and the pain got worse. So I trekked my happy but hurting self back into town, and picked up the meds. And BOY was she right, that Pyridium turns your urine into a nice neon orange color. WOO!! Bright stuff, need my shades to look in the bowl...lol
Weight today 317lbs, so 73lbs GONE FOREVER!!
10/1/2003
WOW, I sure didn't realize it'd been this long since I'd updated here. Need to keep at this a bit more often.
I'm working today and it's a bit hectic, but I had a moment or two and thought I'd post a little message here and update my goals! So far, I've met nearly all of them, but missed the 75lb loss goal by just a few days and I'm 9lbs away from meeting the goal I'd set for myself for today, October 1st. But it's all good, you know. I swore before I had this surgery that I was NOT going to be one of those people who lived and died by the scale. And while I do admit to having a "weighing-in" addiction...LOL!! I'd like to think I don't have any hang-up's regarding this. I always weigh in at work and since I work like two days on, two off, etc etc, I don't weigh in EVERY day, but I do prob'ly weigh in more often than would be recommended!!
Eating is good and bad, depending on the day. I'm still enjoying my Carb Solutions creamy chocolate peanut butter bars, but I'm disappointed to say that the price of a box of six has gone up from $5.63 to $8.36.. I was in SHOCK!! I had my husband, who works for WalMart, ask someone at the pharmacy or whomever knows about pricing to check on this and was told that it was just a price change from the home office. UGH, well anyway, I'll still eat them because I like the flavor and that way I know I'm at LEAST getting in 24gm protein each day. I've found a few additional foods I can semi-tolerate and then I've ruled out a few others that I can't! Eggs are still a no-no, unless hard boiled and made into deviled eggs. I've yet to try soft boiling or poaching them; I thought of this method of cooking because it would keep the egg somewhat soft. Although I'm not sure why the deviled eggs work, they're not exactly soft, but I'm grasping here!! I MISS MY MORNING EGGS!!! Tuna, which went down well at the beginning, isn't working for me anymore. Just about any kind of red meat isn't working either. And forget shrimp for right now. UGH, I get pukey just THINKING about them!! I do cashews or BBQ pork rinds if I just have to have something crunchy, albeit in moderation of course.
I have to confess I'm not doing well with my exercising or at least not as well as I should! My husband just joined an exercise place here in town called Total Fitness and has been working out a couple times a week, but so far I have NOT been asked to join him. (I'll go into the "husband thing" later in this post.) But I still have my walking videos at home and plan to try to get back in the swing of things this week! I know I'm doing myself a disservice by NOT exercising much during this "honeymoon period" and it's something I'm very much aware of. I think getting the bad news on the labs (something ELSE I'll go into in a bit) kinda put me in a funk and made me NOT wanna follow any rules at all. And since I CAN'T overeat right now, or even eat the wrong things without paying for it, I guess not exercising is the one way I can "rebel!" Stupid with a capitol S, I know, but hey, I'm not perfect!!!!!
OK, here's the deal with the labs. I had my three month lab work drawn at the hospital where I had surgery about two weeks ago. And, call me naive, I was NOT expecting bad news. Mind you, it wasn't horrendous news, but it still wasn't great. My albumin level was down, so that means my protein intake is not adequate. And my hemoglobin A1C was a bit high at 6.8. Now it was 6.6 prior to my surgery and that was being on three different medications. I'm currently on no meds, so I'm not thinking 6.8 is that bad! My family doctor would like me back on 4mg of Avandia daily and have the level rechecked in 3 months. This is fine, but as I said, I was a bit disappointed.
And last and certainly least, here is the situation with my husband. Things are just going downhill in so many ways. He's become secretive, quiet, moody and defensive. Take the other night for example: My mom and I were out running errands and I drove her to Arby's at the end of our day to get supper for herself and my Aunt Glady some sandwiches. We were driving down this one road, and passed a house and I said to my mom, "That looks like my van parked there!" My husband drives the van. Then I realized that the house I'd passed by is a rental house where a friend of his and his wife just moved in. I didn't think anything of this, 'cause I know he misses talking to this guy he used to work with and I figured, oh he's gotten off work and decided to visit so-and-so! We went on to my mom's and I helped her in with her things, we yakked for about an hour then I went on home. My husband was just going in the door as I pulled in the drive, and when we both got inside, I asked him about his day. By this time it was about 6:30PM or so and my husband would normally be off work around 4:30... He said he worked, then shopped for some things his mom needed and took them to her. Then he said he stopped for a burger and came home. I said, "You didn't go by Mark's?" Then he kinda sputtered about in a completely shady way and said, "Oh yeah... I wanted to see him but he wasn't home... I stood out in the yard and talked to Missy (Mark's wife) for a bit then came home." I said, "Hmm... there was no one standing in the yard when I drove by!" I hated the way I sounded in that moment, and I hated the way it made me feel. He went on to say that he was prob'ly back in the van getting ready to leave. I left unsaid my feeling that no one was in the van at the time.
Now, mind you, I'm not saying my husband and this other woman are having anything going on, necessarily. But it just did seem a little odd. And it uncomfortably brings back not-so-fond memories of the end of my marriage to my ex-husband. I found myself having to play "sleuth" and following him around town, trying to "catch" him with another woman. I guess I didn't HAVE to, but I felt the need to. So as I said, this entire conversation from the other day just made me feel sick to my stomach. It's like all of a sudden, my husband would rather be ANYWHERE than where I am! It suddenly gives voice again to all those negative thoughts in my brain that tell me I'm too fat, ugly, stupid, worthless or whatever to keep a man! I know that if indeed my husband is cheating, or even thinking of it, that this is not my fault. Especially when I've practically had to beg him to keep up the physical end of our marriage. He apparently still does not desire me intimately and while he's affectionate with me, off and on, he has not even attempted to make love with me in nearly a year.
I know that my husband experiences physical desire, in a very general sense, as he has previously admitted to me that he struggles with issues with pornography. As a Christian, he tries not to give heed to these issues, and tries to stay away from those types of things. I've seen him even turn the channel when a Victoria's Secret commercial comes on, how many men do that?! So I know it's not a physical issue, as in that he needs Viagra or something. I don't think having the desire is it. It's that I don't "turn him on" apparently! This is a rough thing for a woman to contend with, especially when fighting MO.
The other night, he and I had a long talk and he admitted to me that he doesn't know how he feels about our marriage continuing. This surprised me on many levels although I'm not sure why. I guess the main way it surprised me is that he was even considering us divorcing because of his beliefs. He's always been anti-divorce and now it seems that he's changed his thoughts on that. It just struck me and continues to strike me as odd. It makes me question what's happened to "change his mind" so to speak! And it hurts me. I know I've had issues with this marriage, issues with his controlling nature, and money issues, but when it comes right down to it, I don't want my marriage to end. Flat out! I believe God can work a miracle, if it's His will that this marriage continue and I mean, in a thriving way, not just half-heartedly, then it will!
Weight today: 309lbs, so 81lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
10/4/2003
This surgery is really an amazing thing to me sometimes. And it's not just the weight rolling off, like there was no tomorrow. I've seen others post on the message boards how this surgery was on their gut, not their head, but at times, I feel my head has been worked on as well! I have less tolerance for those attempting to take advantage of me these days. I do not stand for being railroaded, coerced or otherwise harassed. I take less guff from my husband than I did before. I feel more compelled to "be" in the world and let myself be heard by anyone who's willing to listen. I possess, at this moment in time, more confidence than I have in many many years. I believe myself to be more worthy of joy, more worthy of a good life and more inclined to surround myself with people who are good for me versus those who would hinder me.
All this may sound a bit new-age-y to you. Heck, it does, even to me! But I'm not a new age person in the slightest. I give all the glory to God for this change in my life. I thank Him for putting those in my path who helped me to make this decision. I'm very thankful and much more prayerful these days as I know I can trust Him to get me through anything He allows to be placed before me.
I know this is going to sound conceited, but there are times I spend so many moments in front of the mirror. Just staring. I'm looking into the eyes of a woman I no longer recognize. I don't necessarily gush and think she's the most breathtaking creature I've ever gazed upon, but I think she looks pretty from time to time. I think her dark blue eyes have a bit more sparkle than they did before. I think her hair, despite its falling out, seems to lay attractively around her somewhat slimmer face. I see her cheeks glowing and a smile is never far from her lips. I look at this stranger who now wears makeup every day and carefully considers what she will wear. She takes more pride in her appearance and in her personal hygiene. And while she still has more than 100lbs to lose to make it to her personal goal, she knows that what she's accomplished in the past three months is a good thing! And she is me, imagine that!!
Weight today: 308lbs so 82lbs GONE FOREVER!!
10/6/2003
It's my third day of three in a row at work, and MAN is this day kickin' my butt!! When we have very few patients on the floor we call it having a "low census." EVERYONE hates going into a Monday with a low census, because we pretty well KNOW we're going to be bombarded with admissions and it's going to be crazy. Mind you, I realize that if there were no sick patients, we'd be out of a job, so it's not that I mind having work to do. But boy, has it been hectic?! Add that onto the fact that I'm tired anyway, feeling kinda grumpy and that it's not a "good eating day" and wow, am I wiped out?!
I stayed up late last night watching TLC because they were airing the Trading Spaces $100,000 episode. For those of you not familiar (although I can't imagine ANYONE who hasn't at least HEARD of this show) they take two sets of neighbors, two designers, one carpenter, 48 hours and $1000, and the folks trade spaces and completely re-do a room in each other's home. I LOVE this show in a BIG way, and for last night's episode, they "upped the ante" and made a budget of $100,000, at $50,000 per room. They used both carpenters instead of just one and the designers were Doug and Laurie. I usually really LOVE Laurie's designs and really HATE Doug's but in this case, I enjoyed them both!! What I wouldn't give to have fifty grand to fix up my digs... LOL!!!
Food-wise, this is not a good eating day. I feel somewhat hungry although I'm never REALLY hungry at ANY time!! I NEED NEED NEED to get on the ball, and get some protein powders ordered. I have my Unjury chocolate and vanilla samples in my kitchen, as we speak but have yet to try them. I really loved the sample of Nectar Apple Fuzion that Syntrax sent me, but have yet to order any of those either. What's keeping me? I just don't know... I know my albumin wasn't good at my three month lab work and I know I need to try to do something about that, but it's like I just can't... I know what I need to do to take better care of myself, so why don't I just do it?? UGH!!
I think I'm depressed a bit. I think it's starting to hit me that I'll never be able to eat some of the things I ate before I had surgery. And maybe it's not even that so much... I mean, I don't crave the sweet stuff like I thought I would! BUT, sometimes, I just feel like I wanna take a BIG bite of SOMETHING!! Not necessarily something bad for me, but just a bite of something!! And it's so hard because eating is such a challenge for me nowadays. Nothing is going down well these days at all except for my protein bars and I think I'm getting good and sick of them! Of course, things I shouldn't have often go down alright, like the more "candy bar" type protein bars or the sugar free ice cream or the BBQ pork rinds... and I DO limit these items to not very often, so I think I'm in control in those ways. It's just tough!!
I think I'm going to talk with my PCP about some counseling. I think that would be good for me. Between the food issues and my marriage problems, I know it would be good for me to talk with someone. And my PCP, Dr Lovins is SO understanding and so sweet!! I know she'll help me or try to!!
My husband is so depressed right now too but I know he won't talk to anyone. He thinks his life is over or at such a stand-still that it could never/will never improve. I don't know what I can do for him. I pray for him, I know that's the best thing, but I wish I could somehow get through to him that God has his best interests at heart. And that God can get him through anything if Harry will just trust in Him. But I can't make him see or believe that, no matter what I say!! I'll just have to leave it to God and know that He knows what's in Harry's heart!!
10/9/2003
Another few days and another three pounds gone, taking me down to 305lbs, 85lbs gone forever!! Praise God!! This journey is so amazing to me!!
Still struggling with eating to a certain degree... how come it is that the pork rinds and the "less protein" protein bars go down SO well and the stuff I really SHOULD be eating, like shrimp or chicken, just stays stuck and won't go ANYWHERE?!? Of COURSE, this is a rhetorical question... and I know the answer!! I'm still a relatively new post-op, only fourteen weeks out, and I know it'll take time. And I'm trying SO hard to be patient. SO HARD!! It's crazy!!
I'm so very VERY sleepy today!! Stayed up WAY LATE last night, later than I should've and believe you me, I'm paying for it today. And I know I won't get in bed early tonight because it's Must-See-TV Thursday night, so that means "Friends," "Will and Grace," and "ER." And I CANNOT miss them... LOLOL!!!
Things are a bit better between me and Harry and for that I'm very thankful. He seems to be more understanding and more loving toward me, despite the fact that he's still staying gone and away from the house quite often here lately. But I guess I can't expect miracles. At least when he's there, he's friendly and warm with me, which is better than it was before. So I can't complain I guess. I know God is watching over us and I know He can heal this marriage. And I believe He will!!
10/14/2003
I can't believe I'm almost to the goal I set for myself to reach before my birthday, which is this coming Friday!! I'm amazed that I might actually GET THERE!! Not that I don't have faith in myself or in what this surgery has done for me, because I do, but there's just that part of your brain, you know, the part that says you'll be the one and only person who "fails" at this, or that you'll be the one it won't "work" for!! I try not to let myself listen to these self-defeating thoughts and try to replace them with the many compliments I've gotten from folks and knowing how much better the clothes are fitting, how I'm off my diabetes medications, etc etc. But boy, it is easy to get "sucked in," isn't it?
Two more pounds and I will be less than 300lbs for the first time in MANY years!! And I just cannot wait to be able to say that I'm two-something instead of three-something! It's just so strange to me to think that I'm only 11lbs away from the Century Club at only 15wks out. I can't even fathom it!! Did I not truly believe I could do it? I dunno!! Did I indeed think I'd be the one person this WOULDN'T work for? Maybe!! But I'm ecstatic at my progress. Yeah, I admit, sometimes I see some of the "frequent posters" and read about their progress and I compare myself to their losses and I know this thinking is "dangerous" to my peace of mind and not a productive way of looking at my WLS!
I try to keep myself on the straight and narrow where this surgery is concerned. I try to eat only what I should and I've been trying to do better with getting the protein in. I feel that I'm doing as well as I can expect to do in my journey. The interesting things in my life right now are those happening outside the WLS realm.
I've started going to church again and I'd truly forgotten how much peace it gives me. My mom and my sister and her tribe have all started going with my aunt Gladys to her church. It's very enjoyable and it's a small church with very friendly, committed Christian people. The new pastor there is a very sweet, well-spoken man and I've been enjoying his sermons immensely. He talks just long enough to get his point across but not so long that you lose interest. LOL!! I'm glad I'm back to paying more attention to this aspect of my walk with God. Of course, I work every other weekend so on my weekends to work I'm unable to attend and since this church doesn't offer any Sunday evening services, I'm out of luck on that one, but even going the Sundays I'm able to is making a big difference for me and I'm thankful for that!!
Weight today: 301lbs so 89lbs GONE FOREVER!! (no matter what others on the boards may say about using the phrase "gone forever" I'm still gonna...lol)
10/15/2003
I'm a little steamed today, I have to confess. I don't know how many posts I've read on the message board lately about people getting all mired down in the "popularity contests" going on here and it's just ticking me off. And while I'm not going to name names or personally lash out at anyone, I'm angered. There are so many people on these message boards who've reached out to me when I so desperately needed support. There are many who continue to email me on a routine basis and there are many who've personally answered questions I've posted and addressed concerns about eating, post-op life, family issues and a whole host of other things. And to think that a small few here have made it feel "impossible" for these kind, good-hearted people to continue to stay on the boards and post is really getting me.
We, as the MO or formerly MO, have dealt enough in our lives with prejudice and feeling the "butt" of cruel jokes, laughter and teasing. This forum should be more about support than about forming cliques and making others feel excluded. We are all in this together and my opinion is that if any of us here at OH.com want to "form smaller groups" in which to converse exclusively to one another, there is perhaps a different medium in which this type of thing should be happening.
I think, perhaps, what some of the oldies here at OH.com don't realize is that to a newbie, this exclusivity, this making up nicknames for one another and daily "shout outs" on the boards to certain groups of people and to them alone is very off-putting. I would certainly hope none of us do this for the sole purpose of excluding others. Although in some cases, it might be true. I would feel truly saddened and remorseful if I felt that I'd hurt someone else's feelings with anything I'd posted to the boards. I'd like to think I review my messages prior to posting them in order to avoid such a thing.
I only hate that some people who I find quite dear and very humble and loving feel they have to keep themselves off the boards. I hate this not only because I will miss their smiling faces, but because it just really sucks that we are overcoming perhaps the greatest road block in our lives and there are some on the boards who are making others feel unwelcome. And while I admit to enjoying seeing my own name mentioned on the boards at times (and am always thankful for the good will and fond wishes) I more enjoy the personal messages I'm sent.
What the purpose of this post to my own journal is I'm not quite sure. I will not post this to the message boards so maybe only those who "keep up" on my profile will see it. I hope I don't anger anyone with what I've written here. That was not my intention. I wasn't wanting to make anyone feel that they shouldn't have "friends" on this message board. That's not what I intended either. All I know is that the more I see people distancing themselves from the boards due to others, the angrier I get.
So here is my disclaimer: What I've said here today was not meant to offend. If you are offended by what you are reading, I ask that you just simply back out of my profile and ignore me. Not difficult to do. I'm only one of many who put down my thoughts and feelings in this forum. God bless!!
10/20/2003
What a few days it has been!! Allow me to elaborate... LOL!!
Friday was my birthday and I turned 36... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, right?!?!?! LOL!!! I had a doctor's office visit scheduled for 8AM so I was up early and out the door. I ended up just leaving when Harry left for work at 7AM and hung out over at my sister's for a bit before the appointment. She was home on vacation as her kids are off on Fall Break but was feeling ill, so I told her I'd come back after my appointment and take them all out for a bit so that she could get some rest. I had the doctor's appointment because I was scheduled later on in the day for my very first ever mammogram and my PCP requires a manual breast exam to be done prior to the mammography so that she can point the techs out any places to especially check on or pay attention to.
I had the manual exam and while Dr Lovins said that I have "lumpy bumpy" type breasts, she didn't find anything "suspicious" so that was a relief. I went back to my sister's house after the appointment and rounded the kids up. Then we all went to WalMart and did a bit of shopping. I had some layaways to get out and Allison & William wanted to say hi to Uncle Harry (my husband works there) so we did that! The kids were pretty good in the store, thank heavens and I took them back home after that. My mammogram was at 11:40AM so I took my oldest niece Ellie there with me because we had to go back to WalMart to pick up her photos we'd turned in at the one hour photo. My mammogram went well. It was uncomfortable but not especially painful. The tech, Karla, was terrific and really put me at ease. She knew I was nervous and she was very kind to me.
I went home then and hung out a bit. Harry was late coming home, as usual. Then he had to leave again to work out and all that good stuff, do some shopping for and take things to his mom at her apartment. Saturday was supposed to be "our day" and we were going to be heading down to Vallonia, Indiana for Ft Vallonia Days and to spend time with my family there.
We got an early start of it and then Harry "springs" on me that he's "not planning to go downtown" with me, meaning he isn't going to go look at all the booths and the like. OK, I'm thinking to myself, then what was the point of even coming down here, but then I think, NO, I'm not going to ruin "our day" together, so I say, well that's alright. And it was a fairly decent day, although I had to admit that the festival had lost a bit of its draw for me and I think it's because I always mostly went to eat the great food. Well obviously, being four months post-op and food still being a challenge for me, I wasn't going to be eating any festival food. I dilligently skipped past the corn dog and funnel cake booths and dodged right past those deep-fried veggies and bloomin' onions. I did eat a few bites of the homemade chili my Aunt Barb is so famous for and did take a nibble of a Fritos Scoop with some sloppy joe mix in it, so all in all I was proud of my choices. We watched the parade and then when it was over, Harry and I headed home. We got about twenty minutes outside Vallonia and he was getting tired, so he pulled over and let me drive. So THAT was a banner day, I finally got to drive our new van that we've had for several months. That was pretty cool!!
We got home and he had some things to do for his mom later on, so he left around 7PM or something like that. Meantime, I fell asleep on the sofa so when he came home around 9:15 or something, he said that I should go to bed if I was so tired, so I did. I fell right to sleep and when I woke up at around 1:30AM, Harry wasn't in the bed with me. So I got up and walked, kinda quietly, down the hall toward the living room. The way our furniture is arranged I could see the wall where the TV and entertainment center is before I could see Harry, sitting on the couch. Well let me tell you, what I saw was kind of a shocker. There on my TV was the biggest video run of internet porn I'd ever seen.
Okay, now let me preface the rest of this by saying, I'm not completely naive and innocent. I've been exposed to this type of thing before and I KNOW that this is an area in which my husband struggles. So I guess I have to say that this part didn't surprise me. But the last time he and I had a conversation about all this, we kind of left it that he would talk to me if he felt this was "becoming a problem again" for him. And he's never talked to me again, so I guess I naively assumed that he was "dealing" with this.
The issue between Harry and myself sexually speaking has never gotten any better. To date, it's been nearly or over a year since we've been intimate. He still maintains that he feels no desire for me despite loving me, and that he's not sure any type of counseling will change that. He's now willing to go to counseling with me, but I think that it's just because I told him it was either that or I was leaving the marriage for good. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this side of my marriage being "dead" so to speak. I feel lost without the affection and the closeness that making love with my husband should help me to feel.
Harry isn't the world's most affectionate person in the first place, and once, about two years ago, when I convinced Harry to take, with me, a Christian marriage survey about our "love languages" and what was most important to each of us in this marriage, my number one love language was affection!! So no wonder I feel the way I do in this marriage at the moment. I have no idea if my husband even truly loves me. I guess, realistically I know he does. But deep DEEP down, I really can't be sure. And I HATE that I feel that way!!
So after I walked around the corner and found what I found on the TV, I woke him up and told him that he should shut that stuff off and come to bed. He was SHOCKED that I'd caught him "red-handed" so to speak. He was so apologetic and so sorry for hurting me. He came to bed and we sat there and talked for the longest time. At one point I even told him I was going to leave because I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Then we talked about counseling and I told him pretty much that he had to go with me to speak to someone. I told him that it was our only hope, in my opinion.
I feel very betrayed by the intrusion of this addiction of his in my marriage. And while I don't want to come off like some goodie two shoes who's never been exposed to this type of thing, since I recommitted my life to Christ five years ago and since marrying Harry four years ago, knowing that he had been fully committed to remaining pure until marriage, I never thought this would be something I'd have to deal with where he was concerned. So, yes, I am shocked in many ways. I'm shocked, I'm hurt and I do feel betrayed. I feel just as badly as I did when I found out my first husband was unfaithful to me.
I told Harry that I couldn't compete with those women. And I asked him if that's what he wanted from me, to look like they look and to "do" the things they do. Not that I'm a prude or anything, I had a very healthy sex life with my former husband before our divorce. But I can't compete, because most likely, my body is never going to look like theirs. Even if I lose all the weight and am able to have anything and everything possible "lifted," I may STILL not look like that. And I'm not even sure I want to, you know. I want to look like me, only thinner, more healthy and just be a better "version" of myself. I don't have any desire to be someone other than me. And I wouldn't think he'd want that for me if he truly loved me.
So anyway, today I called my PCP and asked for a referral for marital counseling. Then I called my insurance to ask what their benefits were for this type of counseling, and to make sure that the type of counseling I was looking for (Pastoral and NOT secular in nature) was available. I knew I'd read in the phone book about a female registered mental health pastoral counselor in my area who is based out of a local Methodist church and as I said, I felt better choosing someone who would be faith-based rather than coming from a secular standpoint.
I surely hope all this can work out well for me in the end. I really feel very emotional with everything that's going on and of course, since I'm a four month post-op, I can't eat my way out of the bad feelings. I can't stuff the hurt and pain inside mounds of Mexican food from Taco Bell or five pieces of greasy, batter-dipped fish from Captain D's or Long John's. I can't hide myself away in two or three Egg McMuffins from McDonalds or drown my sorrows in pint after pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, no matter how much I may still want to. I can't react in ANY of the ways I would've as a pre-op. And it hurts to NOT be able to wallow in the comfort of my old friend, FOOD!! I admit it!! It's painful to not be able to comfort myself in the old ways. I sat up Sunday night just praying and praying, not to mention just laying on the couch all day Sunday while Harry was at work, just reliving the image in my brain of coming around the corner and seeing what I saw on that TV and seeing my husband sitting there asleep on the couch, knowing that I needed to confront him about what was going on.
And yet I still can't find any peace, not truly. I know that God can do wonders if it's His will and He can heal even the most broken relationships. But sometimes I wonder if this marriage is meant to be healed. And I wonder if I'm not just avoiding the inevitable and shouldn't just leave now and get it over with. It's like I've finally found some self-esteem in my life, for the first time in a LONG time and now this situation I'm in with my marriage is undermining that in a BIG way! And I wonder even if it's God's will that my marriage continue and that I stay to "do the work" necessary if for my own sanity, I shouldn't just leave anyway, and begin my life again, on my own. If I were being blatantly honest, I'd admit that marrying Harry on the rebound was a big mistake in the first place, maybe I should just chalk it up to stupidity and move on with things.
I know that Harry would let me go. By that I don't mean that perhaps he could physically keep me from going, but I mean that emotionally I know he feels that he's not good for me and that he should let me go, that I deserve better than what he's given me. And maybe I do deserve better, but can I just neglect or forget my vows in such cavalier fashion. I'm not sure. Anyone reading this can help me by just keeping my in their prayers. We sure need them!!
Weight today: 295lbs so 95lbs GONE FOREVER!!
10/23/2003
Another day at work and here I sit. Thank GOD it's the wind-down time. I only have less than one hour left and I'm so thankful for that! It was a rough couple of days off and while in some ways I was GLAD to get back to work, in others I wish I could just stay inside my home and hide away from everything and everyone!! Not the mentally healthiest attitude to have, I realize, but it's how I feel at the moment.
Things aren't necessarily any better at home. It's depressing to think that this life with my husband may very well be over. I wonder at times if it truly is over and I'm just too blind or stupid or whatever to see it. Deep down, I know I'm a smart, strong woman but it's hard to remember that when I feel so mired down in everything!
Weight-wise, everything's still going well. I'm seventeen weeks out today and I've lost 97lbs... so the Century Club is beckoning to me hot and heavy!! Eating remains challenging but I'm trying to work through that.
I can't seem to shake, though, this feeling that I'm trying to get sick. I've had a sore, scratchy throat for nearly two weeks now. My joints are achy and hurting and I feel like I'm getting a good old-fashioned flu bug. UGH, this could NOT come at a worse time for me. Not to mention the fact that my monthly "friend" has picked NOW to show up again for the first time since my surgery. And boy, is she kickin' me in the guts...LOL!! I called my OB-GYN's office for some advice on what to take for the awful AWFUL cramps I'm ALWAYS plagued with during my cycle and the nurse called back and said that basically anything they could give me or advise me to take would be NSAID-based, like Ibuprofen, so that, in other words, I'd just have to suck it up. I mean, really now... she said they could always change my pills or give me the Depo shot or even this new IUD that's been developed. But I'm not too thrilled about the idea of an IUD, and Depo can cause women to gain weight I've heard... as far as new pills go, I'm hesitent, with my age and history, to go on an even stronger pill.
So I guess we're going to try starting me back on the pill packs I have at home and we'll go from there. Then of course, to add insult to injury, I called Harry at work (he works at WalMart) and asked him if he could pick my up some of those cramp-relief heat packs and he balked. Said it embarassed him to buy things like that! I wanted to scream, "They certainly won't think those things are for YOU, BUDDY BOY!!!" But I kept my composure. For the time being. And he wonders why I believe I'm so low on his list of priorities that I barely make the list. UGH!!!!!
We got papers in the mail from the Counselor's office to fill out prior to our first session, which is set for November 5th. I've already filled mine out but I think getting Harry to do his is going to be yet another challenge. Man, would I like to just ONCE have an easier life these days. I keep trying to figure out what it could be that God is trying to teach me through all this. Usually when I face adversity, I attempt to think of that. To see what I can glean about what I might be needing to learn from it all. But I tell you, I'm just depressed enough to have no clue at all what it is He might be wanting to show me.
So back to these papers, Harry takes one brief look at them and starts squawking about all the questions... why does it ask our social security numbers?... why are they asking about our ethnic background?... why does it want to know if my parents are divorced?... UGH, I'm 'bout ready to knock him out!! I know he's not that thrilled about doing this and that a BIG part of him believes that therapy will not avail much in the way of help for this marriage. But I mean, really. He's got to at LEAST give it a chance. Or actually, maybe he doesn't. It occurs to me for the first time, although it shouldn't be for the first time since I've been begging him to come to counseling with me for the better part of two years, that his resistance to this idea speaks volumes in and of itself.
I'm just tired. You know. Sick and daggone tired of feeling like I'm the only one who cares about keeping it together. I'm beginning to think that I'm spinning my wheels with this marriage. And I'm beginning to wonder, although deep down I know it's not true, that God may not want me to stay in this marriage. Like I said, deep down in my core, I know that it's never God's will for a marriage to end. The ideal, the original plan was one man for one woman, always and forever. And even though I've been married once before and even before that, struggled myself with sexual purity, when I recommitted my life to Christ five years ago I felt I'd begun a new start with things.
It was like the past was washed away, which of course is what it's like to be saved or born again. The old ways pass and are replaced, through prayer and communion with God and being in the Word, with more Godly thoughts, ideas and habits. Not that Christians are perfect, we're just forgiven and we understand that He is always there for us to pick us up when we fall or to continue to pay for not only every sin we committed in the past but for every one He knows will occur in the future. This thought should comfort me and to tell you the truth, many times it does. But right now, nothing is comforting me.
I want to eat so badly. I know I'm falling back (or wishing I could fall back) in those old habits of eating to comfort and calm myself. And I know I can't do that. I'm still too new a post-op for this to even BE an option. But it might not bode well for the future. The time will come when I CAN eat and I don't want to sabotage myself. I know I can do this, I'm just in a dark place right now and I'm hurting!
Weight today: 293lbs so 97lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
10/28/2003
The scale is STUCK, STUCK, STUCK!! And it's honkin' me off... LOLOLOL!!!
I so want to be at the Century Club by November 1st but I'm not sure, at this point, that I'm gonna make it!! Ahhh well, I'm trying to be philosophical about all this and trying desperately to remember that 97lbs in 17weeks is an awesome weight loss and NOTHING to sneeze at!! I SWORE before I had surgery that I was NOT going to be one of those people who were slaves to the scale. So I guess I'll try not to be. I'll make a deal with myself.... NO MORE SCALE UNTIL AFTER 11/1!!! Not sure if I can make it but I'll certainly try.
Eating was much better today and I was actually able to keep down some bean soup and a bit of cornbread at lunchtime, then I reheated it a bit for supper. I'm working today so unfortunately I'm kinda at the mercy of the hospital cafeteria. I guess I should try to plan better but here lately I just feel so lacking in energy that it's hard to get things done ahead of time.
I'm depressed about the marital situation and just unsure about how our first counseling session next week will go. I'm sure praying that we will get something good out of it all. It would be nice to have some good after all the negative we've experienced.
I tell you, this journal here started out to be one about the WLS, but it's certainly seemed to turn into one about all my marital woes, hasn't it. I guess I feel like this is the one solace I have, this journalling here. It's like the one private thing that I still have. Harry and I have decided we're going to share one internet logon from now on, in hopes that this will curb the little internet problem with pornography that he has. You know, make him more accountable, etc. And this website uses my work email so I can keep it a bit private in that way. I'm struggling a bit with how best to handle that. I guess the perfectly honest thing to do would be to share even this with him, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do that just yet. So I guess for now, this will remain on my work email, just until I get a little more focus, etc on what is going on at home and on what is going to happen with this marriage.
One of my co-workers who has just recently had this WLS came up to me today here at work to tell me that my surgeon is going to now be sponsoring some Support Group meetings here in my town rather than having to drive to Franklin, where I had my surgery. They are going to be, I think, the second Tuesday of each month, and I told her that since I have a rotating schedule, I may or may not be able to make it to them. She made the comment that she was asking off for those days because she felt she needed the support. I think it sounds like a good idea, but I don't have that much flexibility with my schedule, so I don't guess I'll be attending many of them. I don't really feel the need anyway, so I guess it's no biggie to me. Should my opinion change about that in the future, I may see what I could do, but I hate to try and change my schedule unless it's something Earth-shattering!
Another co-worker who is a new lap RNY post-op came back to work this week. She seems to be doing alright, although, of course, she's struggling with getting her protein in. I told her about Unjury, which is, to me, the tastiest protein drink around. I dunno if she'll order any or not, but I think she might like it. The thing about this stuff is that it's SO subjective. Tastes are so different and I know, at least for me, that since I've had surgery, what tastes good to me today might NOT necessarily taste good to me tomorrow. Crazy, huh?!
Ahhh well, I'll close by saying the daggone scale STILL reads 293lbs and for now, that'll have to be OKAY!! God bless!!
11/1/2003
I MADE IT!!! I MADE IT!!! I MADE IT!!! Can you tell I'm excited?!?!? WAHOO!!!! I'm now OFFICIALLY a member of the Century Club!! At not quite 18wks out, I've lost 101lbs!!! PRAISE GOD FOR THIS WLS!!!!
I can't believe it!! I really can't!! I surely didn't think it would happen... I drove to work this morning (where I always weigh in since we have these big dog scales... LOLOL!!!) thinking that there was no way I'd be there. November 1st was the deadline (small mini-goal or whatever you wanna call it) that I'd set for myself that I wanted to be at the one hundred pound loss mark. But I truly didn't think I'd get there. I'm ecstatic, really am!! I think I finally feel a certain modicum of success with this surgery now. Not that I didn't feel successful before, but I truly feel it now. I have to admit, over the past couple days, I was beginning to fall into that "the scale is stuck and this is all I'm ever gonna lose" mode and I hated that I felt that way, but I did! I now weigh less than my sister and am within 20lbs of weighing what my mom weighs, so that's exciting for me. That's never happened!! I've ALWAYS weighed more than they do, so I'm pretty tickled!!
On the marriage front, it was a rough evening. My husband battles with many personal things, one of them being hair loss. He was invited to a concert last night so he did his best to "fix" his hair so that he would not have to wear his usual cap or hat. But apparently when he stopped by his workplace to pick up a jacket he'd left there, one of his co-workers made a snide comment and he got all worked up and just ended up coming home, all devastated about his hair. I knew, when he called me to tell me that he was coming home and what had happened, that there'd be no appeasing him, and that we'd probably end up having words. I knew this because I knew his mood would be completely jacked up and that he'd be kind of "spoiling" for a fight.
And he did NOT disappoint. He came inside, all hang-dog and upset. He changed his clothes and sat down next to me on the couch. I did my best to comfort him, talking to him and being very affectionate and loving with him, all to no avail. He didn't want to be touched, NOTHING I said would appease him. Finally I got very upset, feeling that, once again, I'd been rejected by him and went to the bedroom. I sat in there for awhile, changed into my nightgown, then thought that I should go back out there and try to talk to him again. I went back out, sat down on the couch by him, and explained to him how frustrating it was for me to care so much about him and then to feel that nothing I could say or do made anything any better. Not that I expect to solve all his problems in life, but I certainly try to be there for him, if nothing else.
I poured my heart out to him about how upset I was on his behalf that someone had made an idiotic and hurtful comment and that I was sorry I'd only made it worse by getting angry. COMPLETE SILENCE!! He didn't acknowledge that I'd apologized, nothing. I said, "Don't you have anything to say?" And in a very hateful tone he said, "What do you EXPECT me to say??"
This is when I lost it. I got up and told him that all I'd done was try to comfort him but if that wasn't good enough, he could just feel free to turn on the internet and find some porno site and that maybe THAT might comfort him. He was in shock, heck I was in shock that I said it too!! He asked me why I would say something like that and for the first time, maybe ever, it hit me. So I told him! I don't feel like I'm "enough" for him. Truth be known, I've NEVER felt like I was enough for him. When we first met, I felt I wasn't good enough or cool enough for him.
Then when the problems began between us before we got married, I again felt I wasn't good enough to support our relationship or keep things together. Then once we got married and the problems got worse and worse, again those negative voices were alive and well in my mind, telling me that I wasn't enough, wasn't trying hard enough, whatever else. And here lately, with all the sexual issues between us, I've felt that I'm not womanly or pleasing enough to him for him to desire me. So as I said, all of a sudden it just clicked in my mind. This recurrent theme between Harry and myself that I'm just "NOT ENOUGH!" And while he disagreed with me when I said it, that IS the way I feel. And it was quite freeing to realize it!!
11/3/2003
Today is my baby sister Angela's birthday!! She is 33years young and I love her with all my heart. I sent her an email today telling her that I was so honoured and felt so blessed to have her in my life. I told her that I should call our mother up and thank her for giving birth lo those many years ago to my best friend in the whole world. Angie is just one of those magical people. You know? She just is so genuine, so real, so caring and giving, and at the same time she's full of it, she's sassy and saucy, she's irreverent and crazy. She's such a contrast of so many different things. I'm so glad that in this crazy world, there's at least one person who I know will be there for me no matter what. Whether I'm happy or sad, fat or skinny, up or down, she's flat out there for me. No questions asked and no if's, and's or but's. I feel badly for anyone who doesn't have anyone comparable in their lives like this. It doesn't have to be a sister, could be a friend who's like a sister, could be a brother, or a mother, or a cousin or a co-worker for that fact. I'm just so glad to have her. When I sent her this heartfelt email (she and I both have email at our respective workplaces and frequently e-correspond throughout our days) she emailed me back and said, "Making me cry on my dang special day is just NOT RIGHT!!" LOL I love her so!!
Harry and I have our first counseling session this Wednesday and I'm a bit nervous, I have to admit. I wonder how things'll be during the session and I wonder how forthcoming Harry will be with our problems and with his struggle with pornography. My sister told me about a website called www.xxxchurch.com which is supposed to be a support site for Christians with pornography addictions. A friend of hers has a husband with formerly the same problem. He said this website saved his marriage. (Should anyone reading this profile go into this site and it's NOT what it has been reported to me that it is, please don't hold me responsible, as I've not checked it out for myself yet!!) I just hope everything goes well for us at this visit and at any ongoing sessions. We need much help and I am encouraged by the fact that I was able to find pastoral counseling covered by my insurance. We definitely wanted Christian-based counseling, and did not want the secular viewpoint, but a Christian one. I don't think either Harry or myself claim to know how this is going to come out, but we're hopeful.
We had a huge fight Saturday night and I honestly thought that my marriage was over. But we got through it and last night we talked it out quite a bit. Hopefully these big terrible argument episodes will calm a bit with some therapy. My mental health would surely benefit... LOL!!!!
WLS-wise, eating's been better these days. It's as if suddenly this flip has been switched and I can eat pretty much whatever I try. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not pushing it or anything. I'm doing protein first and I'm stopping when I'm comfortably full. And it still takes VERY little to fill me up. So I think I'm still on track and all that. I'm very pleased with my progress so far. I don't think I every truly believed I'd make it this far, this fast! But I'm sure glad I have!!
11/7/2003
The last day to work before three days off... I'm in heaven!! LOL!!!!
It's been quite a couple days here at the hospital. Crazy with admissions and people going home and all manner of insanity going on. I'll be SO glad to have these three days to myself, with no committments except my niece's birthday party tomorrow afternoon.
I talked on the phone today with Susan Maria. What a sweetheart!! Oh my gosh, she was so nice to me and so helpful with information on her samples. I'm going to order several of the ProPlete Gold items from her in sample size to see what I may like of those. I need to get the protein thing up and going. I have six month labs in six weeks and I've GOT the get my Albumin levels up BIGTIME.
I have to say it was kind of refreshing to speak with someone from the boards. I'd been feeling kind of "persona non grata" these days. It seems that ever since I posted some things to my journal about the cliquish-qualities of this board and how this can, from time to time, be off-putting to newbies, the emails have stopped. You know, there were people who would email me from time to time and now POOF, nothing... nada... crazy, huh?
I've come to feel kind of circumspect about the whole thing. At first it really bothered me a great deal. I'd been going through so much at home with my husband and the counseling and all that and had really come to count on the support I was getting here. There was one person in particular who really seemingly had "befriended" me and offered ALOT of support via email and I was really appreciating it. However, in response to an email this person had sent me I made some comments similar in nature to those I posted here about the old timers versus the newbies in this forum and how that sometimes it feels more like a popularity contest than a support forum. This person has not once, since my sending that email, responded back to me. I have a strong feeling I've upset her or made her angry. I simply wish she would've emailed me back to say she disagreed or was offended by my remarks, but instead, seemingly, she's chosen silence.
My point, if I can ever come to one, is that this no longer really bothers me. I think this person seems very sweet and like quite a wonderful lady, but if it's one thing I've learned about "online relationships" it's that they're very fickle and fleeting. If it weren't for the cathartic quality that this journalling has brought me, I'd prob'ly delete my profile and stop coming here... PERIOD! But I enjoy this side of it, just as I enjoy supporting those I choose to support, whether it's posting to surgery pages or answering questions in the Q&A or just offering a "WAY TO GO" when warranted. So if I've said or written something to anyone here that's offended, I'm sorry about that as it's never my intention. But I'm not going to lose sleep over it, I guess, is the bottom line.
This is the internet. I have enough support in my "real life world" that if I didn't have this forum, I'd still be doing alright. Don't get me wrong, if you're reading this, I'm not saying that coming here to obesityhelp.com means you're hiding away from the real world or anything. I know what that is like. The year I got my divorce from Brian, I was lost in the online world and it took alot of self-discipline and re-thinking to come out of it. So I would never put anyone down even if they were lost in the never never land of the internet. I virtually had no human contact for nearly a year because of my depression. Online I could be whoever I wanted to be. I didn't have to think of all the tragically horrific things I percieved to be happening in my own life, I could be this other person. And, lest I get hate mail from anyone who keeps up with my profile (if there are any such folks out there) this is in no way meant to put ANYONE down!! Understand me!!
I'm just saying that if someone here wants to be mad at me because I called it like I saw it, I can't really help that. As much as I don't wish to offend, I have a differing opinion and at times, differing opinions can be unpopular, and that's okay. I'm okay with it. I'm certainly not going to lose sleep if the "popular kids" don't wanna "play" with me anymore. I enjoy this site and I learn from it but I refuse to get "caught up" in the melodrama. End of story!! So I've said my peace... LOL!!!
I hope anyone reading this understands or at least tries to understand what I'm saying. If not, I'll say what I said before, back out of my profile and ignore me. I'm only one of thousands here.
God bless!!
11/15/2003
It's a dreary, gray Saturday here in Indiana and I'm working this weekend. This does not make me a happy camper for many reasons... LOL!! I'm tired and feeling yucky. I was diagnosed with a kidney stone, from a CT that I had on Thursday, and it's quite large at 7mm. My PCP doesn't want to consult a urologist for me because she says the stone is not obstructing. I'm guessing the only way I'm going to know if it's obstructing anything is if the pain gets way worse. I feel as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. But my understanding is that kidney stones don't break up on their own. So I wonder, will I just live with this thing? LOL who knows!! SHEESH!! All I know is that I've spent the past two days pretty much doped up on Lortab and now I'm back to work and can't take that med, since it makes me all loopy, and I'm in a bit of pain! It's not too unbearable, but I am hurting a little.
Not to mention the fact that it seems as if all my co-workers are on their last nerves today. It's making me crazy. The docs are in horrible, whiny moods, and so are the nurses and care partners. Let's suffice it to say that this is NOT a sane atmosphere in which to work on this yucky Saturday!!
My weight loss is at a standstill. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still ecstatic with how I've done thus far, but it IS at a standstill for the time being. I KNOW I need to kick the exercise in and I know that'll help, but I've felt so daggone rotten here lately, and down in the dumps too. I need to really delve deep and figure out why I'm so depressed. I think it's just a combination of things, my marriage, this kidney problem, hurting all the time. Then I feel like the doctors don't or aren't understanding that part of it! It's aggravating, because it's not as if I call their offices every three days complaining of some type of pain or another. Believe me, I work in a hospital and I've seen "drug seekers." I am NOT one of them!!... LOL!!!
I'm just down... I can't eat... My marriage is rocky at the moment... Work is bumpy right now as well. I just feel out of control, or maybe not out of control, but just away from MY control!! I feel heartbroken these days. And I'm trying not to feel that way or not to allow myself to feel that way, but this is easier said than done. I know I need to be exercising more and I can't seem to make myself want to do that either. I can't find the motivation. I know I should be able to find the strength in God but I can't even seem to call on that these days.
My sister is also having problems in her marriage. She is married to a man with many issues and it's playing havoc with her home life as well. I'm keeping the situation in my prayers as they have three kids to think about as well. So whatever happens not only affects them, but Ellie, Will & Allison too. It's tough. I guess that's the one bonus to not having kids, you're only mucking up your own life! I know my sister worries about the arguing and yelling happening around the little ones. She told me that the other day William said to her, "Mommy, why is Daddy ALWAYS mad at you?" and that it broke her heart! I can't blame her. That would be quite difficult, and how do you answer a question like that. I just don't know. And I'm sure Angie doesn't know either!
11/17/2003
Ahhhh... the third day of my three days working is ALMOST over!!! I couldn't BE more tickled!! I have to say this wasn't too bad a day here at work, but it's seemed very long. I work twelve hour days and at times, they draaaaaaaaaaaaag by very sloooooooowly!!! LOL!!! But it's less than an hour till I go home and so far, so good. Also, I think it's seemed pleasant because I've felt very good about myself today. If I do say so myself, I looked pretty good today. I got so many compliments and I think I knew I would... hehehe!!! I wore my long, pencil-slim black skirt with black tights and my clunky-heeled black ankle boots with my new blue and white striped menswear-inspired button-up shirt. I left the shirt hanging out loose and the skirt goes down to the top of the ankle boots. Anyway, as I said, I felt really great as I left the house this morning and I thought I might get some compliments. I'd be LYING if I said I didn't enjoy it!!
Eating went well today and I've officially lost 110lbs. I'm so happy with that. I never imagined that I'd be this successful. I mean, I hoped I would be, but it still completely overwhelms me. I think I struggle much the same as anyone does, but I'm bound and determined to make this new way of life work for me. I was offered some fudge today at work, for example, and I said, "No thanks, I can't have that anymore!" My co-worker said, "Even just a nibble?" And I was so proud of myself that I was able to honestly say that no refined sugar of any kind had passed my lips in the five months since surgery so thanks but NO thanks!! I felt so courageous... LOL!! But really, I did feel that way!! I had SUCH a sweet tooth before surgery and I truly wondered how I would do as a postie. I'm not by ANY means saying I believe it will ALWAYS be this easy, because I know I will struggle more as I'm able to eat more. And I know that once the hunger comes back, it'll be even harder. I'm just trying to do everything I can to be successful at this. For once in my life, I feel SO capable and SO worth it!!
Marriage-wise, things have been good. They're much improved since our first counseling session and we have our second the day after tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it. I think it's really helping us to behave more "intentionally" toward one another. I think we're being more compassionate, more loving, more attentive and kinder to one another. I KNOW that Harry is treating me with more love and kindness these days and believe you me, I'm appreciating it BIGTIME!! It's helping so much. And while the lack of physical intimacy is still an on-going issue, it's a little easier to "take" when I feel that he's being attentive to me in other ways.
Weight today 280lbs so 110lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!
11/21/2003
Once again, my work week is nearly over and I have the next three days off!! I'm so tickled, as this has been a HORRIBLE couple days here. I work a schedule that's like two days on, three days off, two days on, two days off, three days on, two days off, then it repeats within each two week pay period. It's not bad, but I work 12 hour days, that's how I get in 80hrs per pay period, but when the days are CRAZY like they have been lately, it makes me insane. A co-worker and I always say that we're going to "go home and drink beer," or something like that...lol we're too goofy but we have fun!! Her name is Joan and I really enjoy working with her. She slightly intimidated me when I first came here three years ago, but now that I know her well, she's one of my favorite nurses to work with.
Eating was iffy today, but that's alright. I've been hurting quite a bit though, as I have a kidney stone. I believe I've journal'ed a bit about that above. It's still not obstructing anything, so pain wise it's not too too bad, but it still hurts a bit. I have Lortab for the pain but I'm trying to be cautious using them!
11/27/2003
Happy Turkey Day to one and all!! LOL!!!
I'm working today as it's my holiday "on," so to speak... It's not been too bad, but I'm wishing I didn't have to work twelve hours. I think I can make it through, but I've got so much going on right now that being off today would've been alot better!!
Harry and I've found a place here in town to rent and I could NOT be happier!! It's a decent home on a quiet street behind one of the Lutheran churches here in town and it's been split into a duplex. It's only one bedroom, but truly, it's enough for just the two of us. We don't NEED all those extra bedrooms, that just keeps us in more and more JUNK!! Not to mention the fact that it's two hundred and five dollars cheaper per month for rent than where we're at now. We have rented a storage unit in a local complex, so that'll help with the garage items. We may also have to store our refrigerator since the duplex has all the appliances included. We really like it alot, and it's so quaint. It has alot of architectural interest, little alcoves, built-in bookshelves, a sunroom with stained-glass windows in the door, arched doorways and two good-sized closets. I think we'll be very happy there.
It almost seems like a new start for us. Like a new beginning in so many ways. The counseling we're going through is truly helping us and since we now have his mother in her own apartment, in many ways, this feels like our "newlywed" time. Not that things have actually improved in the physical intimacy department, in all other ways, we are more intimately involved with one another for the better. I don't know how much longer this issue will persist in my marriage, but I'm willing to remain faithful to my marriage vows and believe that God can and will work a miracle in this situation. But I do believe that this will be a new start.
I'm about two thirds of the way packed up and I tell you, if I NEVER see another cardboard box, it won't be too soon for me!! Harry brought home several cardboard flats from WalMart and we've been non-stop packing for days and days on end now. But it's coming together and I'm so thankful that I've taken this 112lbs off, because there's NO way I could've done all I've done at 390lbs, my pre-op weight. Harry's told me I don't know how many times how thankful and grateful he is for all the help I'm giving him in this move. I've done the majority of the packing this time and I'm sure I'll do my fair share of the moving as well. I think he has some gentlemen lined up for the bulky, heavy or unwieldy things, but for the most part, since he's brought home small boxes, nearly everything's packed in manageable sizes. I think Harry thought I'd just have "reckless lack of regard" for his part in this move, and he's now seeing that I do care and I am trying to make this as easy as possible on us both.
My mom and my 12yr old niece, Ellie, are coming out tomorrow to help me finish packing up, etc. I know my mom won't be able to do much but I'm hoping she'll be able to at least somewhat help. And I hate to admit that I'm counting on Ellie to do some of the grunt work. She's younger than me...lol!! She usually doesn't mind helping, but she's getting at that odd age where it's no longer cool to hang around your family, you know?! She didn't seem too thrilled at the prospect of coming out but said she would.
Speaking of family, I thought I was gonna have to pulverize my sister, Angie... LOL!!!! She's asked me twice in the past 24 hours to come out and babysit her children, the little ones, and she KNOWS how busy I am with this move. I think she was trying to "guilt" me into it by saying, "I never ask you to watch them!!" But I saw through that right away. I very calmly told her she wasn't guilting me into anything and I'd just have to see. Of course, I KNEW I wasn't gonna be able to, but sheesh!! Ahh well, I try to be understanding about it but sometimes I wonder what they'd do if they didn't have family here.
I have another four hours here at work today and I think I can almost make it... LOL!! I just wish I could go on home a bit early but with the nurses that are here today, I don't think that's going to happen. Some nurses are more than happy to get us off the clock if it's slow, then others are so danged afraid they might have to answer a phone on their own. It just KILLS me!! I try to see things from their standpoint, but it's just NOT easy sometimes. I don't think they quite "get it," if you know what I mean. I guess it's like Dr Phil says, either you get it or you don't...LOL!!
Well I wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving and I would encourage everyone to remember and concentrate on all there is to be thankful for. This was a melancholy holiday for me as it was my first as a post-op. I wondered how I'd do with the emotional side of not eating a huge turkey feast today but I'm feeling alright, I think. It was a bit different, but I think I'm finding my way through this maze of changes.
Since I was working, my mom, Aunt Glady and husband came to meet me here for lunch. The hospital offers free turkey or ham dinners to all employees scheduled for the holiday, and they can be purchased for $6.95. So since my mom and aunt had nothing else going on, they wanted to meet me. Harry also wanted to meet me since we rarely get to spend a holiday together. I let him just eat part of my freebie dinner and then he bought two dinners to go for himself and his mom to enjoy this afternoon. So they should be grazing the day away...lol!! I gave my mom the slice of pie as I didn't even want to "go there," as it were. I'm not one of those "everything in moderation" WLS'ers, I don't WANT to know whether or not sugars make me dump, I want to just ASSUME that they will and get one with it. I figure those were at least partly responsible for making me fat in the first place, and I wasn't about to open up that can of worms. So giving away the pie was a GOOD thing for me!! And I was more than happy with that!! I didn't miss it much. I ate a few bites of pea salad, about four or five bites of turkey, and a nibble or two of cornbread dressing and mashed potatoes and gravy. And I was satisfied. It was fine. It didn't bother me to eat a small amount, I was just thankful to be eating "normal" food.
11/29/2003
My eating has gotten much better as I also said before. Thanksgiving day was okay and nothing I've eaten over the last several days has "bothered" me so to speak. I've been making fairly good choices, although the cracker demons attacked yesterday and I ate about six or eight Club crackers in a four hour period. I wasn't very proud of myself, but the fact is, I'm STILL eating WAY less than I would've eaten 113lbs ago, and I'm proud of myself for that!!
Comparing eating at 277lbs, post-RNY, and eating pre-surgery at 390lbs would've gone something like this: Breakfast WAS one-third of a McDonald's breakfast burrito. Before surgery I would've eaten an Egg McMuffin, a bacon egg & cheese bagel, a hashbrown and I would've drank a 42oz regular Coke. Lunch was half a protein bar and a protein drink, followed by the dreaded and aforementioned cracker insanity. Before surgery, lunch would've prob'ly been, if eating at home, a whole frozen pizza or something like that, or if eating out, I maybe would've gotten a 12inch Subway sandwich or a three piece KFC meal with ALL the trimmings, or maybe three tacos, a burrito supreme and an order of nachos from Taco Bell. For an early supper, I ate about two ounces of turkey, about two or three tiny spoon-sized bites of green bean casserole and about the same of stuffing with gravy. A normal Thanksgiving or post-Thanksgiving feast for me before my WLS would've been five or six slices of turkey and the same of ham, a HUGE helping of macaroni and cheese, brocolli casserole, stuffing and mashed potatoes, followed by a slice or two of the gooeyest pecan or pumpkin pie I could get my hands on. Then later on in the evening, about four hours later, I ate three small chicken nuggets. Before surgery, my evening "snack" would've more than likely been a whole pint of Ben 'n' Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream.
Moral of the story is this: All in all I think I'm doing pretty well. I'm in control now of what I put in my mouth instead of the food controlling me, as I'm sure it did before. I still have a hundred pounds to go, and EVEN if it takes me another year to make it there, I'm proud of what I've accomplished thus far. I have reason to be!!
Weight today: 277lbs so 113lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
1/1/2004
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!!
I can't BELIEVE I'm starting a new year at 256lbs!!! It's been SO amazing to me, and I'm so very thankful!! My journey to having WLS has been so incredible and I have so much to be thankful for, that's for sure!!
I'm thankful for my faith in God, which has allowed me to feel free to pursue that which I feel is His will for my life.
I'm thankful for Dr Dana Lindsay who so graciously did my open RNY six months ago and has been a sensational surgeon to work with in this.
I'm thankful for Dr Teresa Lovins, my PCP, who is SO very understanding and has, on more than one occasion, sat with me in her office, patting my hand and consoling me, helping me to wade through the health issues I've been facing lately (kidney stones, etc) and just generally making me feel better by simply listening.
I'm thankful to Ann Jones, our marriage counselor, who's helping us learn to deal with one another with more kindness and "intentionality" than we ever could have without her assistance.
I'm thankful for the 136lbs that are gone forever, as the saying goes. I know there are many on the boards who don't "care for" the term "gone forever," but I haven't come this far re-gain the weight now. I'll do EVERYTHING in my power to keep it off!!
I'm thankful for my marriage, which is improving on a daily basis and for the wonderful things God's doing in our relationship.
I'm thankful for a job I enjoy and co-workers with whom I'm so very comfortable.
I'm thankful for my family and their love and support. My mother, Sarah, is the most loving woman on the planet and her unwavering pride in me has been a constant in my life no matter where I am at that moment. My sister, Angela, is closer to me than my own soul, I think, at times and I don't know what this world would be like without her. My Aunt Glady is just like another mom to me and I love her dearly. My nieces, Ellie & Allison, and my nephew, William, are all precious little gifts from God and I love them with my whole heart! I'm also blessed to have a wonderful extended family with whom I'm very close.
I'm thankful for having a new home we moved into just a few weeks before Christmas. We're in town now, so no long commute to get to work on a daily basis or to run errands. And I think we're FINALLY getting settled!!!
I'm thankful that eating is finally getting a bit easier for me. I don't push it and I don't eat anything I'm not supposed to, ie sweets or refined carbs. And as long as my meats are quite moist, I do pretty well.
I'm thankful for finding Susan Maria's website and all of her help. I know it's thanks to her that my albumin levels are now back to where they should be.
I'm just really darned thankful right now!! LOL!!! It seems that finally life has "turned a corner" for me and things look pretty bright.
I have developed kidney stones and ovarian cysts and I'm working with both my PCP and my ob-gyn to straighten these things out, but it'll happen!!
I pray this next year sees me at goal and feeling as great as I do today!!
Weight today: 256lbs so 134lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!
1/11/2004
WOW, I sure do mean to update here more often than once or twice a month. I've seen all these post-op's that settle into their "new lives" and don't update their profiles and I'm always SO aggravated about that and I've become one!!
Seriously though, WLS-wise, there hasn't been alot going on these days. Eating is much MUCH easier, but thankfully the hunger still hasn't returned. I've been very blessed indeed for that. I worried (and still worry) how I'd do when hunger came back on full force as some describe the six month mark, but I was pleased to see that it didn't happen to me. I'm not by any means saying I believe it won't... I'm not naive enough to think I'm "immune" to any of the other pitfalls that prey on posties. So far, so good, though and I'm very thankful indeed.
I posted a "What I Know For Sure" thread yesterday and was very pleased and surprised to see all the responses I got. I was reading "O" magazine and Oprah always ends her interviews with this question: "What do you know for sure?" I found this so thought-provoking. So I began thinking of the things I know for sure in this life.
I've determined that there aren't many. Not many at all. I guess when it all boiled down, the ONE thing I know for SURE is that God loves me and that I'm His child. That's the most important thing. No holds barred!! It's taken me many years to say that and to really mean and believe it.
I was listening to K-Love last night on the way home from work and the Rich Mullins song "Elijah" was on. This song always speaks to me and touches my heart, more than I'd care to think. Rich Mullins was a Christian artist who passed away some time ago. I didn't listen to Christian music when he was still alive, so I only know of him now, not then. But I heard a story about him once that was so amazing. It's said that after he passed away, some friends or associates went to his house to find some papers or something that was needed for his record label. (Forgive me if you're reading this, know this story, and I have the details wrong..but the details aren't the most amazing part...) Anyway, for SOME reason, someone went to his home and it was EMPTY. Not because there'd been a break-in after his death and things were taken. But because this was a man who LIVED the gospel, so much so, that he totally took to HEART the command from God to give up all wordly possessions and follow Him. How astonishing! He had NO need for material or wordly goods. NO need to own things that did not benefit him in his preparation for the next life. I believe they found a well-worn Bible and that was all. It gives me chills to think about this fact.
How many of us would be willing to live a life completely in servitude to God as this man did? I don't know many. We're so busy "acquiring" goods, working more to buy more, investing our treasures in this world as opposed to storing up our treasures in Heaven as He tells us.
Anyway, this song "Elijah" talks about an ache for home, for Heaven. I've believed in God for all of my life. I was saved as a Christian in college at age 18. And I recommitted my life to Christ at age 30. But I've never, until recently, understood the pull to "go home" as I do now. Some days, when I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I yearn for the blessings and peace that will come with being with the Father. No, this does not mean I have a death wish, suicidal ideation or anything like that. It's just that the cares of this place can sometimes overwhelm and there's a keen longing to be at rest and to be where we're meant to be: with God. We were created for Him and by Him for His good use. One of the lines in the chorus of that song says "And it won't break my heart to say good-bye." So as I was hearing this song last night, I found the tears welling up and an ache in my gut. It was so powerful. But then again, that's what great Christian music can do. It's so empowering to listen to Christ-centered music. I've been so blessed since I stopped listening to secular music, I can't even explain it. I guess we really don't stop to think about all the garbage we allow into our heads and hearts. I know I didn't pay any attention to that sort of thing for many years. But I'm sure glad I do now.
Speaking of music, I DID get the Clay Aiken CD for Christmas called "Measure of a Man" and it's wonderful. He's such a great artist. What a voice!! And I'm too excited that "American Idol" is starting again in about a week or so. It should be cool to see the next bunch.
I think I'm gonna shove off, but wanted to update and just give a report of what's new with me.
Another thing though that is going on: my brother-in-law Kirby has been called up and will be going to Iraq. We're not sure when, but I'm sure keeping him in my prayers.
Weight today 253lbs so 137lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!
1/24/2004
I've met another goal I set for myself!! I'm below 250lbs now and I couldn't be happier!! I'm not sure if I thought I could make it by the date I'd had set for myself, but I did make it!! It was a great surprise for me, as the scale had been kinda stuck for a good two weeks. I'm very tickled though!!
Kirby got called up, but so far, he's only going to Fort Bragg, NC and NOT to Iraq at this point. HOWEVER, IF his unit that he'll be attached to gets sent to Iraq, he'll have to go along with them! This is not great news, but it's better than being headed STRAIGHT to Iraq in the first place. I know my sister is very concerned about what will happen to him in this situation, but they knew this was a possibility when he signed up for the Guards, so I think they're all just dealing with it as best they can!
I realize I haven't posted much here lately to my journal page and I certainly don't mean to stay away so long at a time. I think that once things calm down in a person's life, they tend to not "rely" on things as much here. This is by no means a put down to the board or anything. I enjoy all the information I've learned here and I've found some great resource information.
My marriage is somewhat better, I can say that for sure. Harry and I still have issues, it's true, but I think that things are on a bit of an upswing. Intimacy-wise, we still have issues. We talk fairly openly about this and while we've drawn no conclusions, we're open to dealing with this. I'm not sure what will come of our marriage in this area. I'm prayerful about it, as I know that only God can heal this. He will have to be the one to change Harry's heart in regards to this. Harry and I've talked about this quite a bit and I know he prays about this as well. Or at least he tells me he does. I hope he does.
I think one thing that helps in this department is that he is more openly affectionate with me than before. He does hug and kiss me more often and this helps me to not feel so alone in all this. I think that God is teaching me to trust Him more in all of this and to know and understand that Harry is NOT going to fulfill all my needs. I know that sexually he has a responsibility to me as my husband, there is a scriptural basis to this. Just as I have a sexual responsibility to him. The difference is that I'm willing to uphold my end of the responsibility toward him and he is unwilling at this moment. Some days, I'm not sure if he's willing to be willing, if you get my drift. He still says that the desire is not there for him. That is hard for me to hear, as hard as it's ever been, that hasn't changed. But I've come to learn about myself that when the affection is there, I worry about the sex alot less.
The marriage counseling is going well. I really think highly of Ann Jones and am thankful for what she's helping to do in our relationship. Harry's more open to talk with me these days and more quick to apologize and seek forgiveness if he's wounded me. For this alone, I'm quite thankful. But I also think we're learning some valuable communication lessons that will be with us for a lifetime. In fact, I think I'll miss it when our twelve sessions are over. We have seven more sessions to go and it's going to feel like a loss when it's done, I know it! I wish there were a way for us to continue on, but I don't think that financially we could do it without the benefit of the insurance coverage. This past week in therapy we worked on behavior change requests. That was an eye-opener as I don't think either of us were quite prepared for that process. The thing with the BCR's is that the listener gets NO rebuttal. So, for instance, my topic to bring up with Harry was his not wanting to pick up things for me at the store before he leaves work. We worked through this issue and it came out that some of my Dad's behaviors when I was a kid were coming back to "haunt" me within Harry's behaviors. It's AMAZING the things I'm learning about how my childhood has affected my adult relationships. I never knew this. I guess I should've been in therapy years ago... LOL!!!
I guess I always knew my childhood relationship with Dad had affected me, I just didn't realize how much. The Christmas where Dad had to "go behind" Martha's back to get us gifts when Richie and Beth had a daggone boatload of presents under the tree came up in last week's session. I wasn't aware of how this ONE incident had lingered in my mind. But it was the same feeling of being "second best" in my Dad's mind that rears its ugly head with Harry when I feel that he'll get anything and everything his Mom needs but won't do the same for me. It's that same old feeling that I'm not good enough. I guess not being good enough is a common theme in my life. I don't think I ever thought I was good enough. I wasn't good enough to be born within a loving and happy marriage. I wasn't good enough as a daughter for my Dad to stick around and parent me. I wasn't good enough to feel I deserved taking good care of myself as an adolescent, therefore letting myself pile the weight on and on until I was morbidly obese. I wasn't good enough to work hard to stay in college so I quit when the going got hard. And on and on and on and on... this has been a recurrent theme in my life, over and over again!
Weight today: 246lbs, so 144lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!
2/8/2004
It's a gloomy Sunday here in Indiana and I'm at work. I only update my profile while I'm at work since, at home, I have WebTV and the last time I updated my profile from it, I mucked up my profile. So it's no more updating from home for me.
I'm still feeling pretty rotten. I have a cysto/lithotripsy scheduled for this coming Wednesday and hopefully this procedure will rid me of these stupid kidney stones. I spent the better part of the day before yesterday thowing up my toenails, so to speak, so I called the Urologist who's doing my procedure to see if he could call me in some Phenergan. I thought maybe it was the Lortab that I'm taking for the kidney stone pain that was causing the nausea. So he did call me some in, plus some Darvocet for the pain to take instead of the Lortab. But boy oh boy, I certainly can NOT work taking that Darvocet. I could take one Lortab and still feel okay to work, but that other stuff, MAN, does it knock me out. I missed yesterday at work. My job requires me to call in at least two hours prior to the beginning of the shift, and I just barely woke up in time to call them. Harry was very angry with me that I decided to stay home. He's so non-understanding when I'm ill. I hate it. He acts as if I'm doing it on purpose. Like I just don't wanna work or something. It's so not true, but he sure makes me feel that way.
I know that we need the money, don't get me wrong. I know that we have bills to pay. But frankly, I have a hard time feeling sorry for his "responsibility" when he, for the most part, got us into this financial situation. When we moved to town, and found this duplex where the rent was so much less, he squawked and carried on about how we were not going to "go nuts" and just think we had a whole boatload of extra money laying around and go out and spend it on frivolous things. Then what does he do? Goes out and buys ANOTHER new vehicle. So now we have TWO car payments instead of one. We have higher insurance since we have two fairly new vehicles. And now he wants to take out a medical loan so that he can have his hair transplantation surgery. His selfishness amazes me.
He pays bills late. Mail comes in and he doesn't open it for days and days at a time. Everything's in his name, and that's the only plus side, 'cause my credit was messed up in my divorce. So at least my credit's not getting any worse with Harry's negligence. I hate to feel this way, I really do. I hate it that I seem to barely be able to tolerate having a conversation with him any more. He's so selfish where I'm concerned and he acts as if he's the ONLY one whose opinion matters.
Just like the other day, for example. I asked him to pick me up some boiled shrimp at WalMart and he carried on and carried on about how much he HATES to have to go in there on his day off and how aggravating it is that he has to "do everything" for me, like he does. Honestly, I don't ask much of him. He works at WalMart. It doesn't make ANY sense for an extra trip to be made there when he's there anyway. He doesn't like giving me access to any money so that I can do any of the shopping. It's like he's afraid I'll spend it or I'll blow it, or something. So I'm basically stuck without the possibility of making a trip over there myself to get anything. Yet when I ask him to pick something up, he balks BIGTIME! I get so daggone sick and tired of it.
I know that I've "taught" him how to treat me. I know that when I've let him boss and bully me around in the past, that's set up the behaviors that are going on now. I can't do anything about the past. I can't go back and change anything I did back then. But I can make the changes from here on out. And I DO try to do that. I do try to stand up for myself and let him know that I will not be treated that way. For all the good it does. Oh, he'll behave for awhile, and then it's back to the "same old, same old" all over again. For as much as I feel this counseling thing has helped, in so many other ways, it hasn't. He might be more aware of communication and those types of issues with me, but it hasn't changed the basic fundamental idea that he is a selfish, selfish man. If it doesn't benefit him, he wants nothing to do with it. Period!!!
I don't honestly know how much longer I can do this. I try, I truly do, to understand him, to pray for him, to love him unselfishly as I should. I try to be there for him and to listen to him. I'm sure that I am not without fault myself. I know I am not perfect and I freely admit that. I'm a sinner, just as we all are. But I can't shake this feeling that tells me that this unhappiness in my marriage is not going to get any better. I can't shake this feeling that Harry's attitudes and behaviors are NOT going to change. I know that I'm not showing any faith or trust in God on this one, but I don't know how to anymore. He's so hateful with me sometimes that I don't know what to do about it. I know that I don't deserve to be treated this way as sure as I know anything. But I don't know why he continues to do it. Is it because I let him? I don't know. Is it because he's so fundamentally unable to share his life with anyone and least of all me? I don't know. I don't have the answers. I'm not sure I ever will. I can only continue to hope and to pray that God works in Harry and lays upon his heart to be kinder in his dealings with me.
Right now, I'm just sick and feeling unhappy and needing ALOT of prayer. I don't know which way to turn other than toward Heaven which I try to do always. Only God can give me comfort, I know that to be true. I'll have to try to remember to trust in Him for that and that He will be there for me, even when it seems that no one else is.
Weight today: 240lbs so 150lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
2/27/2004
What a few weeks it's been since my last update!! I had my cysto & lithotripsy the week before last. It went without incident, except that I was still have alot of pain afterward. Dr Benedict's office called me to schedule my follow-up appointment and I told the gal on the phone what was going on with me. She said she'd refer this information to the nurse and someone would call me back. Dr Benedict himself called me back and told me he wanted me to go the hospital for an x-ray then bring the films to his office and he'd see me. I did and when I got into the exam room at his office, and he came in he told me there was good news and bad news... LOL... that's NEVER a good sign!!
He said that the litho HAD busted up that huge kidney stone I had, but that it hadn't busted it up enough. Instead of pulverizing it as the litho procedures mostly do, it only broke it up into three smaller pieces. He showed me on my x-ray where the three fragments were all in a line and were obstructing and causing the tubes to swell. He said we could wait a week, but his recommendation would be to go back in, do another cysto with a laser this time and get rid of those fragments for good. I said he was the expert and whatever he thought was fine with me.
They were able to set that procedure up for the next day, amazingly enough and so I went home and called Harry to tell him that Dr Benedict wanted to do another procedure. As you can prob'ly tell from my last post, he was NOT happy about this. Another procedure equals more time off work equals more money lost. So of COURSE, he was all worked up. It's like he just didn't get that this is NOT about the money. Of COURSE, I realize we NEED the money, I'm NOT an idiot!! You know?!
So I had the second procedure and didn't do too well with that one either. This time, they placed a stent which they left in for nearly a week. That was the MOST miserable feeling I've had in practically my entire life. Imagine if you will the CONSTANT feeling of having to urinate and NEVER knowing if you actually have to or if you just FEEL like you have to! Not a pretty thing, that's for sure!! I would be forever goin' to the bathroom and just sit there, thinkin' "OK, do I need to pee or not?!" LOLOL!! You can just picture it, huh?!
The other thing that's been so tough with all this has been the constant nausea and vomiting. It's been nearly three weeks now that I've barely been able to keep food down and haven't eaten enough to keep a daggone bird alive. No wonder the scale hasn't moved. It's so frustrating.
Weight today: 238lbs so 152lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
2/28/2004
Today is a MUCH better day than yesterday, I'll just tell you. I ended up taking a VA (voluntary absence) at work yesterday afternoon and coming home at 3PM. Of course, Harry was all fit to be tied and we had it out BIGTIME when I got home. I just told him in NO uncertain terms was I going to, any longer, put up with his treatment and attitude toward me. I love him, don't get me wrong. I truly do. And as a Christian, it's important for me to remain faithful to the vows I took when he and I were married. But something's gotta give. I told him that if he would not or COULD not get on board with being supportive of me through the good, the bad and the ugly, that he needed to pack his bags and get to goin' because enough was enough. He was very angry and didn't speak to me for a good bit, then he took off and left the house for a few hours.
When he got back home at around 8PM, we sat down and had a LONG heart to heart talk about alot of things: money, our marriage, my health, my surgery, so many things that we'd needed to discuss for so long. And I think it helped. I think once we got past the "horns locking" stage and were able to actually LISTEN to one another, we made some progress. I was able to see his point of view a bit better and I think he's coming around to seeing mine as well. He told me that he was just worried about the money but that he didn't want me to think that this meant he was NOT concerned about my health. He understood why I would feel the way I did, he said, but it was just his worrying nature getting in the way of good sense, or whatever. He talked to me about how he feels at times that he doesn't get to be the "leader" of our family in the truest sense of the word, and so I asked him to explain to me some situations where he felt his authority as the husband was usurped.
So I think I got a sense of what it is that frustrates him in this realm and I explained to him that I guess it's just fear that keeps me from truly submitting to him in that way. Fear of being taken advantage of or fear of being left behind or used or whatever. It was, in some ways, the most honest conversation we'd had in a long time. I felt good about it when it was done.
And this morning as we were getting ready for work, things felt more calm and peaceful between us. There wasn't that horrible awkward strain that is there sometimes after we've had a huge argument. I was very thankful. I think sometimes the more peace Harry and I have between us, the more I feel physically good. I think this marriage having had the problems it's had has really put a strain on my sense of well-being. I don't see how it couldn't, you know?! Not to mention the fact that for the past week or so I've been off my Zoloft. Just keep forgetting to take it. I know that's had an effect on me. I need to start taking it again and I need to do it tonight. I know that it helps even my moods out and that I need this. I think it still bothers Harry that I have to be on anti-depressants and I know he thinks, in a general sense, that it's somehow "wrong" to use this. I'm not sure why he feels this way, I just think he does. I perceive that he thinks that it shows a lack of faith or trust in God; that He should be the answer to any problems we have, and not an "artificial mood," as he calls it sometimes. But I've never felt "artificial" when taking this medication. Not once. I've never felt like I was anything but just myself and I can't get him to understand that, for some reason!
Weight today: 235lbs so 155lbs GONE FOREVER!!! (The scale's FINALLY movin' again...woohoo!! LOL!!!!)
2/28/2004
Another update today, but this time, TOTALLY off topic!! I have been completely addicted to this most recent "The Bachelorette!" I'm not one to watch a boatload of reality TV, but I got hooked on to this one. A girl I work with has watched all the Bachelors and Bachelorettes and she got me started on this one.
I know how reality TV can just suck you in, but I just thought Meredith was adorable. She looks SO much like what my niece Ellie might look like as an adult, except that my niece is blond and Meredith is dark-headed. Anyway, I just got sucked into this one and when the final episode aired last week, I was, at first, VERY disappointment when she dumped Matthew. I couldn't understand what she was doing and why she did it! She'd alluded to the fact that she'd accept a ring from him on their final date just a few days before and so I was pretty shocked when she said to him that there "was a but..." to her telling him that he was the type of guy that anyone would LOVE to marry! But then... when Ian walked in, and when I saw them together and I saw how moved Meredith was, those tears in her eyes were real. The emotion on their two faces was so obvious and so heartfelt and I was SO glad, in the end, that she'd chosen Ian.
I know I'm a complete and utter SAP when it comes to the romance stuff, but when Ian was holding Meredith and said that he was so scared and she told him that she'd take care of him forever, I was so touched by this! I dunno why this moved me so much but it did. I was very glad that Ian decided, in that moment, to offer Meredith a ring. I was worried that if he didn't offer her one, she would be disappointed. So I was glad that he did offer her one. And boy, was it a beauty.
The next night I watched the After the Final Rose Ceremony show that was on and when I saw Ian and Meredith together, it just again reinforced what I thought in that final episode. They were SO adorable together and just couldn't stop kissing, holding each other, holding hands and looking at each other. I was such a sap for all that stuff. I want that stuff in MY life. And I miss it. So maybe I'm gettin' my romance fix via the TV... LOL!!!!
And now that I've gone on and on about reality TV, I'll sign off, but man, did I LOVE that happy ending!!
3/3/2004
Welp, I'm back at work after yet another procedure. I was scoped on Monday by my bariatric surgeon and I did end up having a stricture. I think she was pretty surprised as this was not what she was suspecting, but I'm glad that she went ahead and did the scope and was able to fix the problem. I feel pretty good today for the most part, but my gut feels "off" or something. I can't tell if I'm nauseated or if this is the "full" sensation I'm feeling or what. I ate nearly all of an egg for breakfast and two strips of bacon. Then as a snack I ate three sugar free lemon cookies. I think I just need to take it a little easy this first day back to eating and not push it.
I feel a bit woozy but I have to stay at work. I can't afford to miss anymore time, that's for darned sure. I think Harry would have my head on a platter if I did. We had another argument last night and it was NOT pretty. I nearly walked out. I don't know how much more of this I can do sometimes. It's so tough to feel this way. I love him, I know I do, but at times, I just don't think this is going to work out. I just wish I had more answers or more insight or more "something" to go on!
Second update later the same day: Thank heavens the "woozy" feeling has disappeared. I did eat a few bites of mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch and I plan on starting to phase back in my protein drinks this evening when I get home. I think I need to get them started again and I think today's as good a day as any... LOL!!!!
I think I'm just tired and I've been off work so much these past few weeks that I need to get myself BACK into the swing of things. I'm certainly trying, but it'll prob'ly take some time. I'm hoping that these little medical abnormalities have ended and I'm back on the upswing. It's about time for things to get back to normal, that's for sure. I'm certainly deserving of some feeling better and things getting back to normal. I certainly think so anyway!
Work is going alright today, but we're a bit short-staffed and we're getting zoinked with admissions left and right. It's crazy and it only shows signs of getting worse. I guess I'm lucky I'm even having time to update here... LOL!!!!
Think I'll sign off for now and get some more catching up done.
Weight today 230lbs so 160lbs GONE FOREVER!!!
3/5/2004
I'm SO close to meeting a HUGE goal!!!! When I graduated from high school, I weighed 225lbs, and today I'm weighing in at 229lbs. I could not BE happier!!! I just CAN'T believe I'm THIS close to weighing what I weighed in high school, it's amazing!!!
This WLS has just been such a strange event in my life, you know?! I couldn't, nine months ago, even fathom that I would lose THIS much, THIS fast!! I just NEVER thought it would happen like this! Harry tells me that he thinks I'm going to get even smaller than what I EVER imagined I would, and I'm beginning to think it might be true!!
I dunno what to think, you know!? The whole thing is SO surreal that I never expected how fast all these things would happen. I put on a blouse today that was a size 18/20 and I NEVER thought it would fit, but IT DID!!!!
Weight today: 229lbs so 161lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!
3/22/2004
The scale has moved again, thank Heavens!! BUT... I've just found out something that kinda freaks me out. I've ALWAYS been one to say that I don't WANT to know if I'm a dumper or not... I wanna ASSUME ANYTHING with sugar in it is gonna make me desperately ill. And this way, I avoid that trap of "oh just one bite won't hurt me" scenario.
Welp, here goes... I'm at work today, and our hospital gift shop sells these ostensibly DELICIOUS sugar free chocolate truffles, and I've eaten several of them over the past two months or so. I mean, not one a day or anything like that but maybe one or two per week. So this afternoon, I go down there and ask the assistant manager (who's also a bariatric patient, btw) for two of the SF truffles. She says, "Hon, those are NOT sugar free, I dunno WHO keeps putting that sign up there!" I was STUNNED!!
So here I find, nine months out, that I'm NOT A DUMPER!! I DIDN'T WANNA KNOW THIS!!! UGH!!!! Now I'm feeling all doomed... LOL!!! I think I just need some words of encouragement. I think I'll post to the boards and see what advice I get there.
Weight today: 225lbs so 165lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!
3/25/2004
I'm back at work after a couple days off. I posted to the boards this past Monday about my cousin Chad and I couldn't have been more touched by the outpouring of care, concern and prayers from people.
I got a phone call about a week ago now, and it was my aunt, saying that my cousin Chad had committed suicide. It was such a shock and a surprise, as I had just seen him here at the hospital a couple weeks before that. Another family member of ours was here as an inpatient and I'd run into him as I was leaving one night. I hadn't seen Chad in prob'ly six or eight years, then to see him and then to find out about the suicide, all within a matter of a few weeks was pretty shocking! He had a wife, two biological and two step-children, then parents and siblings with whom he was very close as well.
The funeral was this past Friday and it was agonizingly tragic. His sisters Tina and Mandy got up to the podium and read some words and a poem that they'd written for him and I could've just collapsed into a puddle at that. I kept imagining what I would be feeling if that were Angie lying up there in a casket, and I KNEW there was NO WAY I could've gotten up to speak. I'd have been lucky to have walked in under my own steam. Then Larry, Chad's dad, got up to speak and oh my gosh, I didn't think he was going to make it through. It's very obvious that the only thing getting ANY of them through ANY of this is their faith. Praise God that He can be there for us in the midst of all this stuff that doesn't make sense in life.
I think the main reasons that the funeral was so difficult were that it was a suicide and also that he was so young. Just two months younger than me. It doesn't seem right, my mom kept saying, that Bev, Connie and she were all pregnant with Chad, Juvonna and myself and now one of us is no longer alive. My mom said, "Parents are NOT supposed to have to bury their children!" And I agree... although it sounds a bit new-age-y to say, there's something so cosmically wrong with that! It's just so sad. Chad's widow never left the side of that coffin even once during all the time before the funeral started and then when she walked into the church with the children, it was just so sad. This whole thing is just so saddening, and it maked me really stop to think that I don't wanna take one second for granted!
Weight today 225lbs, so 165lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!
3/26/2004
Work has been CRAZY, CRAZY insane today!! We sent SO many people home and I just KNEW we were going to be HIT with admissions, but so far, we haven't...
I've like typed nine or ten sets of dismissal instructions today and I don't care to have a day like THAT again, if you please... LOL!!
It's the early afternoon, and I'm feelin' that "wind down" feeling already... LOL it's a bit early for that! I still have 4 1/2 hours to go till it's time to go home, then another 12 hours until I have a couple days off. I volunteered to work on 6A tomorrow for Laila who's had a death in the family. I might even be getting incentive pay for that time, so THAT would be AWESOME!!!
I put a new chain in lay-away at WalMart yesterday for my new pendant. My friend Donna got it for me and it's really pretty. She said she just wanted to surprise me since I'm always doing nice things for her. What a sweetheart. And I deserve it... LOLOL!!!!!
I feel like I'm getting my eating back on track. Not that it was EVER that off track, but it's better. Last night, I came up with a new protein idea since I've been having trouble gettin' it in! I mixed a scoop of my Vanilla Pineapple ProPlete Gold in with a 6oz Blue Bunny Lite 85 yogurt and it tasted like a Pina Colada type thing. It came out with the consistency of like a pudding, so it was pretty tasty!
Today I mixed a scoop of the Strawberry Ice Cream flavor protein powder in with some strawberry yogurt. That was a little less tasty, but still palatable. It looked kinda icky, but was still fairly good. My co-workers were telling me it looked like a funny pureed diet we'd have someone here in our unit on. Too funny!!!
So for breakfast this morning I ate the strawberry goop... LOL!!! Then at lunchtime, when the Food Cart came around, I was HOPING to get one of those great grilled chicken salads from it, but she didn't have any. She offered to go downstairs & get one for me, but I didn't wanna have her to do that! So I ended up buying a ham & cheese sub which I have still yet to eat any of. I'll prob'ly just nibble on it this evening, mostly the meat and cheese. I later went down to the cafeteria and got a small container of cottage cheese and added some grape tomatoes from the salad bar. I ate that (it's about a half cup portion) and was pretty darned full. Otherwise, all I've had today besides those things is a handful of Cheddar Sun Crisps and three SF lemon Keebler cookies. Yummy... LOL!!!!
My sister didn't work again today. She's been fighting this upper respiratory thing and just sounds awful. Luckily for me though, she's taking Mom to Bloomington tonight so I don't have to worry that I'm leavin' her in a lurch, so to speak. She bought a bedroom chair over there at a little used furniture place and has been TRYING to pick that silly thing up for weeks now. She's glad that the owner's been really understanding about it, so that's good.
You know, being nine months out from surgery, I think things are finally started to calm down with everything. Eating is much easier, although I still can't eat ALOT (for which I'm VERY thankful!) And while I now know that I'm not a dumper, I'm still keeping things "on track" and NOT eating foods I know I should stay away from. Hopefully it'll stay that way for a good LONG time. I don't wanna be one of those people who gets to be nine months, ten months, a year out and goes back to ALL the old habits again. Those old habits are what MADE me fat in the first place, you know?! I don't wanna go back and I'm determined not to.
I've weighed 225lbs now for a couple weeks, or so it seems, and while it's a bit disconcerting, I know I haven't been "following the rules," as it were. Exercise is still non-existent in my life, a problem which I plan on rectifying this weekend. I'm bound and DETERMINED to get in at LEAST two miles on Sunday and two miles on Monday. Then maybe when I come back to work on Tuesday and Wednesday, I can do the one mile walk on those days and just get back in track. I know my weight loss would prob'ly rev up again. I'm trying to do better with getting both the water and protein intakes up but it's tough to do. Hopefully my new protein "idea" will continue to work for me until I find myself able to drink the shakes again. I really depended on those for the LONGEST time and when I no longer could, it threw me a bit.
Too many baked potatoes from Wendy's... too many Keebler SF lemon cookies... too much of alot of bad choices... And it's NOT even that the QUANTITIES I'm eating are alot, just the choices are NOT the best for me. Not good quality protein or a protein supplement, as they should be. As far as drinking with meals, I can't NOT do it. I've tried, just can't. And so, for me, I don't see this as a big huge deal. I try to not do more than sip with meals, but since I'm nine months out and have yet to experience TRUE hunger, I think I'll be okay in that regard. At least I hope so. I think the idea behind not drinking with your meals is that it washed the food out of your pouch too soon and you get hungry quicker. So like I said, I'm never hungry, so maybe for me, at least for THIS moment in time, it's not a big deal
Okay, let's talk American Idol for a moment. Matthew got sent home!! I was like HUH!!! He was my favorite. Not that I thought he would win or anything, but STILL!!! I thought for SURE Camille would be sent home. I'll guarantee you the ONLY reason she's still there is 'cause she's pretty... Did that sound catty to you? Sheesh, it did to me and I said it... LOLOL!!!
Ahhhh well, I still say Fantasia's gonna take it all home. Although Simon did say that John Peter Lewis might be the "dark horse," I think he called him. I dunno, too odd... we'll see. All I know is that the more I watch Reality TV, the more sucked in I get... if you need PROOF of this, refer back to my long, gushy post about Meredith, the Bachelorette and her fiance Ian... lol ahhhhh I'm a sucker for romance.
The new "Bachelor" starts in less than two weeks and I'm excited. He's an adorable guy and from the commercials, of course, the girls look pretty too. I mean, come on now, they're gonna be, of course. But I'm looking forward to seeing it get started. When the Bachelorette was done, it seemed like FOREVER until this new Bachelor would start, but it's nearly here.
I've also been watching, with quite a bit of interest, the show "Extreme Makeovers." I'm determined that I'm gonna be on that show...lol -- At least I think I'd like to be. The only part of me that DOESN'T wanna be on that show (and this is TRULY a GOOFY reason not to want FREE plastic surgery) is that I'd LOVE to be able to saunter into my 20th year high school reunion being absolutely stunning and having practically NO ONE be able to recognize me. I know, silly and I admit it, but this is a moment I've somewhat longed for since I graduated. I have one more year until the 20yr reunion and I think (I hope) that's enough time to take off the rest of the weight, to get the PS done, and be completely healed and well from all that. You know, un-puffy and all that stuff, since so many people talk about being all swollen after their TT's and all that.
So what I'm getting at about the show is this: I'm not sure I wanna be on there as it would ruin the "TADA" factor... LOLOL it sounds really silly typing it out in words here, but that's how I feel about it. I'm really DETERMINED to wow 'em at that reunion.
Anyhoo, I guess I've updated enough about whatever in the world is goin' on in my little pea brain tonight, so I'll sign off.
Weight today STILL 225lbs so STILL 165lbs gone forever!!
3/30/2004
I'm back at work for a couple days. I only update here from work as my home internet access is via WebTV and it's TOO easy to futz up the profile to do an update from there.
I joined the DoubleDay Book Club and got a BEAUTIFUL "Passion of the Christ" coffee table book with my introductory packet. I can't believe what a wonderful piece of work it is. The forward was written by Mel Gibson and the photographs are just exquisite. And what a movie this was!! Harry and I really enjoyed it, as much as that movie CAN or IS TO be enjoyed. It was just very moving, in so many ways.
Ang and I went to see "Something's Gotta Give" the other night. Oh GOSH, what a funny flick that is. It comes out on DVD today and I've dropped enough hints to Harry tellin' him I'd like it, so maybe he'll pick it up for me.
I saw it when it was first released with Mom and Gladys and then when it came on at the cheap movies, Angie and I went again. She'd never seen it. It was even funnier the second time, I think. Jack Nicholson is his typical smart aleck self and I think he's prob'ly playing a character much like himself. Diane Keaton is, as well, prob'ly playing someone very similar to her real-life persona. I mean, that's just my perception, and you KNOW how that goes... LOL!!!!
I'd LOVE to have that on DVD, so maybe I will get it. I just talked to Harry and asked him if he minded picking up food for Simon, 'cause I'm already too wore out to even THINK of stopping after work. He said he would, so I'm too tickled about that. One less thing I have to do, right?!
I was thinking the other day of all the things I've both gained and lost since my WLS, so here goes:
I've lost 167lbs. I've lost my fear of being the fattest person in any given room. I've lost the feelings that I'm unworthy, undisciplined, or just plain lazy! I've lost much of my shyness or timidity. I've lost the embarassment of discussing my pre-WLS weight. I'll shout it from the rooftops now. I've lost sizes, all the way from size 32 to 18. And I've lost more inches than I care to think about, as evidenced by the droopy skin...
I've gained much more though. I've gained self-esteem and the understanding that I deserve the VERY BEST that life has to offer. I've gained the knowledge that I can be successful at losing weight and the scale shows it, but much more importantly, my new outlook on food shows it. I've gained control over my tendencies to impulsively overeat, and I've become the "owner" of these food decisions, rather than the food owning me.
I now eat to live instead of living to eat, as I've heard so many say before. So here this statement may be cliched and trite, but it's oh so true. I like the woman in the mirror, maybe even love her, and have definitely come to respect her for what she's about and for all she's accomplished!!
Weight today 223lbs, so 167lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!
4/4/2004
It's a BEAUTIFUL Palm Sunday here in Indiana, although it's a little on the chilly side. I'm sitting here at work, looking out the big window in front of my workstation and watching the blue skies. When it first got daylight this morning it was kinda gloomy and dark out, so I thought it was gonna be "one of those days," but it's turned out to be quite pretty outside.
I had called my PCP yesterday about these persistent headaches I've been struggling with. I'd just come off of ten days of antibiotics for a sinus infection and while I'm still taking the OTC sinus tabs for the drippy nose, the sinus (or so I thought) headaches would just NOT go away. I'd ended up in the ER a few weeks ago because my head hurt so bad and it turned out to be a full-fledged migraine. So anyway, I spoke with Dr Lovins and told her that the headaches were still there. I told her that the Lortab she'd called in for me (they were 5mg) were not working, even when I took two of them and that I was still hurting. I explained to her that things at home were not the greatest and that I KNEW that stress could ALSO cause headaches, but I was really miserable.
The first thing she asked me was if I were sleeping well. And I'm not, so I told her that. She told me that lack of sleep can cause persistent unexplained headaches. She asked me if I was having any visual disturbances or spots in front of the eyes, and I told her I hadn't. And I also told her that I'd recently had my eyes checked and was told that there wasn't anything in my eyesight that should be causing my headaches.
She told me we could play it a couple ways. She said she could prescribe me another antibiotic, in case the first did not do much for the infection. She said she'd prob'ly use Augmentin this time but that it would be costly and would most likely bother my stomach. Not a great option. She said she could change the pain med, though and also give me a light sleeping pill to help me in that department. I told her I'd be willing to give that a try so she said she'd call it in.
Then, she said, "I have to ask, since you've mentioned your marital problems. You're not suicidal, are you?" LOLOL I told her, "NO. I'd leave his butt before I'd do that!!!" She said she didn't think that I'd ever mentioned or given her any reason to believe I'd have those thoughts or feelings, but that she had to ask. Of course, I understood, she's a very wonderful, compassionate physician and I'm glad I see her.
So anyhoo, she called them in and Harry picked them up for me on his way home. When I got off work at 7:30PM I went by Angie's then went home. At about 9PM I took one of the pain pills and the Ambien. Well, let me tell you what. Instantly, almost, I started feelin' woozy. It was a strange kick in the pants to say the least. Harry had to help me to bed. But I slept like nobody's business. I had the BEST night's sleep I've had in many MANY months. I woke up this morning at quarter till five, went to potty, washed my face, fed Simon then slipped into stretch pants and a sweatshirt and did my one mile walk. I went and took a bath, got dressed, got Harry up, made his breakfast and lunch and went off to work. I FEEL GREAT today!!!
It's just amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you!!!
Weight today 219lbs so 171lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!
4/17/2004
Hard to believe that tomorrow will be my ten month anniversary for my WLS. I can't believe how far I've come in this short amount of time. I knew I'd be successful, I never doubted that part of it, but at the same time, this is so far beyond anything I could've ever imagined for myself and I'm so blessed and so thankful.
What an amazing journey it's been... I'm so astounded. God has blessed me so incredibly and I just could not even begin to count all the benefits I've reaped where all this is concerned. In my last post, I wrote some things that I felt I'd both gained and lost since my surgery, but I'm beginning to see that the true benefits are so much more far-reaching than what I'd imagined. I've gained so much in the way of self-esteem and feelings about me and what I'm worth. It's funny how something like extra weight can wreck havoc in your mind's eye and warp the way you view yourself. But it surely did!
Work is going alright these days. I've had some long days, but since I've been sleeping better I feel much better about things here. Funny how getting enough sleep can make your outlook much better... LOL!!!!!
I have one co-worker though who is forever in a crabby, everyone-is-out-to-get-me-mood and she just can bring me down in a heartbeat. I dunno what to do about it either as this woman is a close friend of mine. I love her dearly but she doesn't make it very "easy" to feel good about being around her. It's like she's on a forever downward spiral and there's no bringing her up. In a recent unit meeting my manager Mary talked about people like this and how they can affect their co-workers. I believe it to be true, that's for sure. I can tell the difference when I work with her. And it makes me feel very guilty. Because of how much I care for this person and really enjoy her company. Then I hear her carrying on about things and there's a part of me that just wants to say, "GET A GRIP!!" But I don't because I love and respect her and so I just listen. I feel that she has no one else to vent to, so I let her have at it.
I tell you, someone posted on the Message Board yesterday about hummus and it caused me to wanna go downstairs to the cafeteria and buy a scoop of it. So I did... YUMM!!!! It is SO good from there. I'm not sure fully what's in hummus. I know it's chick peas, garlic, tahini paste, olive oil and some other spices and things but boy is it delicious on crackers!!
Weight today: 218lbs so 172lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!
4/23/2004
Another two day work stretch is done, thank God... I'm so happy about that!!! I'm so tired today and feeling pretty rotten. I've got that gastro-intestinal thing that people have been passing around and I'd LOVE nothing more than to pass it along to someone else!! LOL!!!
So to top it off, not only do I have raging diarrhea, my head is still SO full of that sinus gunk and I've been blowing my nose like there's no tomorrow. It's making me crazy. It's nearly 7PM so at least I've only got about a half hour left of my day, but it cannot be over soon enough for me. I've felt bad and don't wanna do anything but go home and lie on the couch.
I got a VA (voluntary absence) yesterday, which means they sent someone else up to do my job so I could go home early. I had a USP meeting at 2:30PM that last about an hour, then I went home. Harry was none too thrilled that I was getting off work early, but still...
I was just dying to take a VA yesterday so I was glad I was offered one. And I SO did NOT care if he didn't want me to take one or not. He's all about the "him bein' the husband" thing, and some days it makes me ILL, I have to confess. I dunno what gets into him or why he thinks it's okay to treat me like that. He was such a jerk when I first got home. At first, it was the way I was parking the van. He's taken to parking in the "back" space because he doesn't wanna be under the tree. No, heaven forbid, let's just let the birds crap on MY van, not his car!! Sheesh!!
Then it was all about going to WalMart. He hadn't gotten the checks cashed, so I had to wait there at the house for him to go to the bank and go get HIMSELF something to eat for supper. NO ASKING IF I WANTED ANYTHING!!! Of COURSE, that'd be too kind and courteous. He wouldn't wanna do that... So we made a list and I went to the friggin' WalMart and got all the junk on the list. I bought a couple or three things not on the list, just 'cause I happened to see things that I didn't think of before and I thought Harry was gonna go through the roof, he usually does.
But this time, he didn't... he was just matter of fact about it. But I did practically spend every penny he gave me. I might as well make the most of it, since he so rarely GIVES me money. He gave me $91 and I spent nearly $88 of it... then put the other three plus a ten dollar bill in the gas tank. Then I went home. And like I said, Harry didn't make too big a deal over me spending all the money, he KNEW I would, he'd told me that before I even left.
Anyway, it's just about time to leave work so I'll sign out for now. I'll be back to work in three days, and I'm planning on doing absolutely NOTHING those three days off... LOL!!!!
Weight today is 217lbs, so 173lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!
4/27/2004
Well, I'm back to work after three days off, and I tell you what, it was NOT a good weekend as far as eating goes. I nibbled and snacked the ENTIRE weekend long... UGH, it was awful. I didn't think I was ever gonna stop eating. Luckily enough, the scales didn't show it this morning, but sheesh... it was pitiful.
If it wasn't squeeze cheese, it was crackers. If it wasn't crackers, it was SF ice cream bars. If it wasn't ice cream bars, it was something else. UGH, nothing with hardly any protein in it whatsoever. I guess the squeeze cheese had a little... LOL!!!
It's the old eating habits creeping up on me again, I know it. I was tired, feeling sick, my head was aching with a terrible migraine and I have an infection in my eye. I was majorly feeling sorry for myself and I just ate and ate. Never large quantities or anything, but I definitely was eating because of the way I felt, NOT for any nutritional sustinance. Not good, Amy Dawn, NOT good!!
I'm not feeling much better today. I had to come into the hospital yesterday to have a head & sinus CT done and I have a HORRIBLE case of sinusitis. One of the worst they'd seen. I'm now on another expensive antibiotic, but hopefully it'll help. I've taken two doses of it, so I'm waiting on the effects to kick in. My nose is running and running and everytime I blow my nose, it sounds like my brains are coming out. It's awful.
So like I said, I know I'm only eating because of the way I'm feeling. And I KNOW I can't do that. I just can't. There is NO WAY IN HADES I'm sabotaging all the progress I've made. No way!! I need to get back on the program and how, but I feel like complete crap and I just feel like shoving the food in. I haven't felt like this for months. Maybe not even since I had surgery. I'm embarassed to say that over the three day weekend, I consumed THREE CANS OF SQUEEZE CHEESE... three cans!! UGH, it's not a good thing!!!
I feel so stupid. So ridiculous. So out of control. I've done so well so far with this thing and now I just feel pitiful. I know that this is NOT the same as my other diet attempts. I don't have to give up hope because I had a bad weekend. I can get back with my "pouch rules" and come out the other side better for it. Now that I've struggled a bit, maybe I can better understand what most other post-op's go through at an earlier time than this. I dunno, it's just making me crazy.
I've lost 173lbs and I don't wanna ever gain them back, you know. I don't want to be that fat girl EVER again. It's hard to admit this, but I loathed her. I couldn't stand that person. And even though I've come to appreciate all she went through, I still feel a bit of that loathing for her. I have to admit. It's not politically correct of me to say, but it's true. I try to make peace with the me I used to be, but I'm not sure I ever FULLY will be able to do that. It's really tough.
There's a big part of me that wonders if what others think or thought is true. Was I just lazy? Was I just out of control? Was I just undisciplined? I don't know, but there's a part of me that thinks it could be true. Do I TRULY believe I tried EVERYTHING I could've tried before having this surgery?! Prob'ly not, admittedly so. Could I have done more?! Sure, I could've done more, I know that.
But you know what else I know for sure? I'm trying (at least) to use my "tool" to its utmost advantage. Am I going to have bad days? Yep! Am I going to have more bad weekends like this past one? Yep! And I'm gonna "fall off the wagon" again, prob'ly many times. But I can't let it psych me out. I have to remain in control of this. Or better yet, I need to remember that God is ultimately in control and He can help me when I can't find the ways or means to help myself. Therein lies the key. That's the missing puzzle piece.
This is not a miracle. It's surgery. It does not fix the food issues that we probably all have. And it's not going to. The "fix" starts and ends with me. I have to control, with God's help, my eating addictions and problems. I have to do it, because I'm NOT willing to go back to where I was 173lbs ago, there's just no way!!
So with resolve, I will try my darndest to get back with the program and do the things I need to be doing. I've come too far to turn back now!
Weight today: STILL 217lbs so 173lbs gone... forever?! YES!!!
5/1/2004
It's a rainy day here in Indiana. I'm back to work after two days off and boy did I have a pleasant surprise when I got on the scale this morning. It had moved!!
It hasn't moved in a few weeks, but it's the strangest thing. The scale will stay where it's at for about three weeks or maybe three and a half weeks, then when it moves, it moves about three or four pounds. My last day here I weighed 217lbs and this morning it said 213lbs so I'm like HUH??!?! It's so odd. I know others have experienced this as I've seen it posted to the Message Board from time to time, but it's so odd the way it works like that.
And I hadn't even been eating that well, so that was even odder. I really thought I'd get on the scale and it would either be the same or go up. My eating has been for crap here lately. Too much snacking and I NEED to get it under control BIGTIME!!!! I do NOT wanna gain anything back, there's no way. It's just not worth it. So I need to get myself back on the protein train in a big way.
Weight today: 213lbs so 177lbs (hopefully) gone forever!!!
5/3/2004
It's the third day of my three in a row to work and MAN am I beat?! This day was as hectic as they come and one of my co-workers was in such a crappy mood today and was taking EVERYTHING out on me.
I hate it when she gets like that. I absolutely hate it. I need to be more assertive in just reminding her that she CANNOT treat me like that. Everything I did was wrong, nothing was as it should've been, and I'm over it. I try so hard to do a good job at my job and be conscientious, but she takes the cake... it's as if she expects me to just suck up to her in every little whip snitch and if I don't, she's so mean to me. UGH!!
Then Harry's in a bad mood too. I called him at work an hour ago to ask him to either pick something up for me or to run me by WalMart on our way home (he drove me today since my van has expired plates... DON'T ask, we forgot they were due on April 30th) and he likes NEITHER option. He's so selfish! I might as well be alone as much as he's willing to share in this marriage. I dunno what to do anymore.
It's like, he knew I'd just had the worst day and I can't even ask for a little sympathy. It's so aggravating. I don't know what I'm going to do with that man, seriously!!
And I just had to take a pain pill for my head. These sinus headaches are really making me crazy. I'm about to ask Dr Lovins if she'll just send me to an ENT to look into this. I can't keep functioning with all these headaches. My head hurts every single day and my sinus CT showed that I have mucoid cysts. So I'm not sure if these can cause the headaches, but I'm sure not feeling well... I can't really afford to have anymore time off, so even if they wanted to go in and drain out those cysts, I couldn't take the time off right now.
I'm working so hard to save my PTO time and Harry's been so hateful about that here lately. UGH, what's a girl to do!!
Weight today 213lbs so 177lbs still gone forever!!!
5/15/2004
I'm in the midst of six twelve hour days in a row, or should I say four twelves, an eight and a twelve in a row, and I'm beat like a daggone dog!!
Harry & I are going to see "Laws of Attraction" tonight as it's on at the cheap movies, so I'm looking forward to that. I was feeling a bit rotten today earlier, and then I threw up and I feel better now. I've still been battling these headaches, migraines, whatever they are and it's making me crazy though!
I'm a bit aggravated at the scales too, as they're not moving, but I can't expect them to move when I KNOW I'm not eating as I should. I have lost 177lbs as of today and it's been at that number for the better part of two to three weeks, I'm thinking. Not that I'm all that obsessed with the number, mind you, I've always said I will NOT be the type to live and die by the scales and I'm determined not to. I think I'm more disgusted with myself, perhaps, than I am with the scale, to tell you the truth. I know I'm not making good food choices, I know I'm not exercising and I need to be, so what can I even expect? You know?! There's no one else to blame but me. I need to start taking responsibility for these things in my life. I have got to. There's just no two ways about it.
I'm so happy with the progress I've made thus far, but sometimes I allow myself to stop and think of where I'd be if I'd been paying attention to the rules all this time. It's surreal to think of how much more progress I could've made. I dunno, it's interesting. Now that the "honeymoon" is over, so to speak, I've really been thinking on this alot. I'm wishing I'd made a bit bigger deal of it during the first six or eight months, when it would've counted for more.
And while NO ONE can take away this loss I've had up to now (no one but me, that is, if I continue to make bad choices) I need to be in charge of where I go from here. How much success I have is really up to me. How much I choose to follow the rules is up to me. How much I make myself accountable for is up to me. And I want it to start today. I really do. Will I? I dunno, but I feel that I can do this. It's NEVER too late, you know?! Never!!
I was reading the profile of a fellow AMOS'er earlier today, Tooter Toots, and I'm so inspired by her. She's lost about the same amount of weight as I started out needing (wanting) to lose. And while she's much taller than I, with the differences in our starting weights (I think she started out in the 420's and I was 390) our "goal losses" are about equal in number. I think she's lost right around 220lbs and I started out with 215lbs to lose. This would put me to my goal of 175lbs. To get my BMI in the normal range I'd need to get down to about 155lbs, but I guess I've always felt like that was an unreachable goal.
Now I'm not so sure, but to tell you the truth, as small as I FEEL at 213lbs, I think another 38lbs to lose is PLENTY!! I already feel so "dainty" and "tiny," which are NEVER words I used to describe myself and never thought I could. Anyway, back to Toots...lol I just enjoyed reading her profile so very much, seeing what she ate at what stages and all that. All pre-op's should read her profile, that's for sure.
Weight today: 213lbs so 177lbs gone forever!!!!
5/16/2004
It's a fairly calm Sunday here at work. It's gray and dreary out again today and I'm longing for warmer, more sunshine filled weather, that's for sure.
The movie we saw was a great romantic comedy. But in so many ways, it made me sad. As you may know from reading some of my other journal entries, I'm a SUCKER for romance. I'm all about true love winning out in the end and all that other goopey, ucky love stuff!!
So I was sitting there in the midst of this movie. And of course, Julianne Moore is beautiful and Pierce Brosnan is SO handsome and dashing and debonair. And he's so obviously in love with her. Despite the bickering, it's like they CANNOT fight their mounting feelings for each other. The premise of this movie is that they're opposing counsel on several high profile, New York divorce cases. And when they first lay eyes on each other, he totally unnerves her. It was so classic.
Anyway... LOL!! This is what made me sad. Pierce Brosnan is, in my opinion, such an extraordinary actor, in that he reveals so much to the audience about the character he's playing by the expressions on his face, and his tone of voice, and his openly and emotional engagement with them. So in the scenes where he and Julianne were alternately sparring and falling in love, I was so touched by the sheer emotion on his face. The scenes that took place in Ireland were exceptionally great for me because that is my heritage. I never fail to be so moved by pictures of those lush, green hills and beautiful rock walls, the castles and the marshes. It was all so picturesque. So to see not only the love and caring from this man for this woman, but then to see them together in this lovely place, it was nearly too much. A scene near the end where she asks him for a divorce, he tells her he'll give it to her because when you love someone THAT much, you simply want for them, more than ANYTHING, what they want!
All I want is for someone to ADORE me that much. I want someone to look at me that way. I know it may sound corny and dependent and whatever. I want to have a man in my life who loves me enough to want what I want over and above ANYTHING he could EVER want for HIMSELF!! Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish because I know I'm not necessarily there for HIM like I'm expecting him to be there for ME. But then part of me thinks that the reason I'm not is that I'm so daggone sick and tired of having him both take me for granted and be so selfish in his OWN right!! It's time for me to take an honest to goodness look at things in this marriage and make some hard decisions.
I can't keep from being paralyzed by fear at times. These are the things I fear. I'm afraid of not being able to financially make it on my own, I feel I would be "stuck" moving back in with my mom & aunt, and would lose some of my independence. I don't make a great deal of money at my job, although I really love it, and I'm concerned that I couldn't afford an apartment or place of my own while earning less than $10 per hour. And if I had to move back to my mom's, I know she would not let me bring Simon, my kitty cat, with me. That would absolutely break my heart. Some days having him is one of the only bright spots in my day. I mean, who knows, maybe I'd feel differently if I were out of this tight, constricting place of a marriage that I'm in.
But it's hard to step out in faith and just do it. I also am in fear that if I end this marriage, what if I never find anyone else and I'm alone for the rest of my life. I know this should NOT concern me so but it does. I'm scared about not being married. This is a fear I've always had. I know it's part of why I've stayed nearly five years in a marriage that has pretty well been a mistake from the beginning. And I believe it was also why I put up with what I did from my first marriage as well.
It's just an awfully daunting thought to start over again. I know I'm still young. I'll be 37 in a few months. And I know this is by far over the hill. Women, and men for that matter, have started over again a heck of alot later in life than that. But it's a scarey thought. BIGTIME scarey!! I just don't know. And my faith also keeps me in this marriage. I don't want to just automatically run for the hills because things are tough. I don't want to give up. Some may say I've put in enough time, sacrificed enough for the past five years and I deserve better than that. And it's not that I DON'T deserve better, I'm scared to believe that I do!! It's hard to really face myself, see who I am, and see someone who's worthy of happiness and a truly great relationship in life.
I settled for my first husband because he was the first man to show any interest in me. Then I settled for Harry because he came around right after Brian didn't want me anymore. Flat out, no doubts about it. That is just why I made these decisions. I settled, both times. Now I just have to find the courage to not be afraid to demand better from those who are supposed to care about me. The fact is this: I don't have a great situation in my past with my dad and I've projected this separation anxiety from the father-daughter relationship into both my marriages. It's turned me into a person who's afraid to be alone and would rather be in a bad marriage for the wrong reasons than alone for the right ones. And I don't wanna be that woman anymore. I don't want to fear the solitude and worry that no one else out there is gonna ever see me for ME and think that I'm a great person. That's the problem. It's hard for me to think that anyone would find any "merit" in me and that's ridiculous.
Welp, all this soul-searching and whatever it is, has wiped me out for the day. It's less than an hour till work is out for the day, and then I only have one more twelve hour day to work and my long stretch is done. I've made it, regardless of WHAT Harry says. He didn't believe I'd do it. He said to me, "IF you follow through and work the extra days, I'll give you $50!" Then looked at me like I was s'posed to kiss his feet for his kindness. I said, "GEE, thanks!!" The sarcasm went RIGHT over his head... Sheesh!!
5/25/2004
Well I've had an interesting past week. I was admitted to the hospital last Tuesday, early in the morning with flank pain and nausea. You guessed it... another kidney stone. At work on Monday, the 17th, I kept having that urinary frequency feeling like you have to go, but when you go, you only dribble... I had put in a couple calls to Dr Lovins's office but hadn't ever heard back from them. I wanted them to call me in an order for a U/A to the lab here at the hospital, 'cause I KNEW I had a UTI or SOMETHING going on!!
When I got to the ER Monday, it was about 9:30PM or something like that... It took them over an hour to get me registered and triaged and back into a room. I was able to give them a urine sample for a urinalysis & culture and finally an ER doc saw me at just a bit before midnight. Still they hadn't given me anything for pain, though and the nurse who was taking care of me must've been new, because she seemed very tentative and unsure of herself. I was hurting pretty badly and the medicine they wanted to give me was IV so they couldn't give it to me until the IV was started. The nurse finally came back in and gave me the Toradol & Phenergan IM with a shot in the hip, then they sent me for a KUB. The x-ray didn't show anything, but they still wanted to get an IV started and give me a dose of IV antibiotics. This is what Dr Lovins had called in to tell them that she wanted me to get.
Finally at a little before 1AM Tuesday morning, the ER doc came back in and told me they were going to admit me to a holding bed, and that more than likely I'd go home in the morning if everything went alright. I was having a great deal of pain though and it was nearly 2AM before they got me up to the floor. They admitted me to the floor where I work, so that was interesting. They put me in a double room, even though they usually try to give employees a private room. I had a feeling they were tight on beds, and that was why I was sharing a room. Not that I thought anything of it, since I only thought I'd be here overnight.
Tuesday morning came and dayshift nurses came on. At first, I was a bit unsure when I saw who was taking care of me, but it turned out to be alright and she kept me pretty well comfortable all day. It was late in the evening before Dr Lovins came in to see me, and then it was after 7PM when they finally got me moved into a private room. Wednesday morning they did my CT and it did indeed show that I had a small kidney stone on the left side. I was still having a great deal of pain and nausea both and by this time, I was having a pretty bad case of itching, which was attributed to the Dilaudid they were giving me for pain. The oral medications they had me on, however, weren't taking care of my pain. I was miserable and trying to hang in there, but I felt awful. Harry wasn't being very supportive of me, as usual, and he only came out here twice to visit me in the five days I was here.
One of the urology docs came in to see me on Wednesday and didn't offer much in the way of help to Dr Lovins so she called in a different one. The concern was due to something that had both shown up on a previous CT and on this most recent one. Apparently I have a "dropped staple," I think is what they're calling it, that had migrated down and come to rest between my uterus and bladder. Dr Lovins's opinion is that it was from my bariatric surgery and that it might be causing friction or irritation and that this could be the reason I suffer from so many UTI's and the like. She was able to talk with Dr Lindsay and was told that she didn't think this could be causing any trouble whatsoever and that it did not need to be removed.
I'm not really comfortable with leaving this foreign body inside me where it's not supposed to be. I have made this point clear to Dr Lovins and she is in agreement. Or at least she sees where I'm coming from. I'm to see her in two weeks for follow-up with the stone and with the headaches I've been having. So I guess we'll address this staple issue at that time.
Dr Lovins started me on a new medication called Remeron. It's part anti-depressant, part sleep aid, and her thought is that if we get my moods more "evened out" and get me to really sleeping well, that the headaches may work themselves out as well. It's too soon to tell yet if it's working but I feel pretty good, all in all.
She sent me home on three different pain medications, in an effort to keep the pain under control and so far, so good. I have Tramadol, Codeine and Loricet. I also have Phenergan for the nausea and she started me on some Colace, since my bowels hadn't moved once since I was admitted. I think being on that many pain meds can wreck havoc with this, so she wanted to be sure that I don't get too terribly constipated. I had to actually call her office today and ask if I could up the dose of Colace to two tablets daily since one didn't seem to be doing the trick. So we'll see how that goes.
So far, I'm not doing too badly. I'm still hurting a bit, but it's not nearly what it was. I think the Remeron is helping me sleep, and I'm not feeling too many strange side effects from it.
There was a bit of an issue that did come up with her starting me on this medication. The night shift nurse who was taking care of me (the first night the Remeron was started) came into my room with the pill cup in hand, told me what she was bringing me and asked me if I knew why I was being put on this particular medicine. To give some background, Harry has, in the past, been very against my being on any type of anti-depressant meds and it's been a great source of conflict between us the times that I've been put on them. So I was NOT truly wanting to get into a discussion with him about this with the nurse right there in the room. I was also pretty perturbed with him in general for not being very supportive of my even BEING in the hospital, he had barely come to visit me, etc and so he was not number one in my books at the time, suffice it to say.
I tried my best to (non-verbally) let the nurse know that I didn't wish to discuss this in front of him so basically I said that Dr Lovins had talked to me about adding in this med nightly along with my Ambien to help me sleep and to help the headaches. Luckily, she left it at that, but I was not very happy about it. I talked with my manager about it that next day, and just told her that we, as employees, needed to be aware that JUST because it's a spouse sitting next to us does NOT mean it's okay to discuss medical information in front of that person. I feel my manager was understanding about this, to a degree.
Her explanation to me was that, as a nurse, it's important to know that the patient understands WHY a new medication has been ordered. I understand this fact, being a hospital employee, but it still didn't sit well with me. On top of that, I had just asked her for something for pain. She asked me what I would rate my pain at, on a one to ten scale, and I told her I rated it a six. She came back a few moments later and told me that I didn't have ANYTHING else ordered for another two hours, so I'd "just have to wait!" I was pretty well in shock. The nurse I'd had the night before had steadily come into the room every four hours and awakened me to see if I needed anything, so we were able to keep my pain under control. It was obvious that I would not have as good a night that night. And it wasn't, that's for sure. I woke up the next morning before 6AM in a great deal of pain and it took half that day to get it back in good control.
All in all I was not displeased with my care, but I can surely understand why some people have certain perceptions about the care they receive in the hospital. I noticed many things while I was here. My food trays were rarely ever picked up in a timely manner. My urine hat would sit there, full, for many hours, until I finally had to empty it myself and write down my output on the I&O sheet. There were certain nurses and/or care partners to whom it basically did NO good to ask something of them, as I knew it would not be taken care of. The one thing I think that was the biggest thing I noticed was this: if I asked for a medication, whether it be for pain or otherwise, if it weren't time for me to receive that medication, no one EVER came in to tell me that this was the reason they would not be bringing it to me. It makes the patient feel as if their request went unheeded. I know how this happens: patient puts on the call light and asks for some medicine for pain, nurse checks computer and finds that it isn't time yet, tells person who answered the light that it isn't time, then... nothing! So there isn't anyone that ever comes to tell the patient that it isn't time yet. So the patient sits there/lays there, wondering why their request has gone unnoticed or unanswered.
Like I said, I can see why the patients feel this way now, cause that's the way I felt. It's a whole different perspective, from the patient's end. I think we all need to remember to try to look at things from the patient's point of view. It's easy to get in our own little world, and forget that the patients are WHY we are HERE in the first place!!
I felt, generally, that I got good care, and was glad to be amongst friendly faces, since I had to be here. The only uncomfortable moment was when I had to be straight-cath'd, but the nurse that did it was a nightshift nurse so it's not like I have to see those girls frequently. LOL!! I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather have been if I had to be in the hospital. At least I felt that if I needed emotional support, I was here with people who could/would offer it to me. They know me, know my home situation (for the most part) and know what my life is all about.
I was released to home on Saturday, and went to Mom's house. Mom had been the one to bring me home from the hospital, so we had to stop by CVS at Eastbrook on the way home to get my scripts filled. Mostly all the meds were generic, so they weren't too costly, but the one for Codeine was $32 and some odd change, so that was a bit more than expected. The funny thing is if it had been Codeine with Tylenol, it would have only been six bucks, but because of the no tylenol thing, it was non-formulary. Strange huh?! They had their Little Nashville Opry tickets to see Buddy Jewell that night, but at least I was in familiar surroundings and it was a good thing too, cause I'm SURE if I were at home, Harry wouldn't have been there for me either.
Sunday morning I slept in a bit and then Mom made us breakfast. My fried egg didn't agree with me, so I ended up getting pukey. I pretty much tried to take it easy most of the morning and remember to take my meds on schedule so that the pain didn't get out of control or anything like that. My cousin Wendy came up for a visit in the early afternoon and we had tacos for a late lunch. I was actually able to eat about three fourths of a homemade soft shell taco and keep it down just fine. The rest of the day we pretty much just took it easy. I lazed around and waited to hear from Harry. I was fairly aggravated by the time he picked me up. It was after 9PM by then. I told him that had I known it was going to be THAT late when he picked me up, I'd have stayed another night. I tell you, that man just does NOT think! It's like he sometimes has no concept of what being there for your spouse means.
Food-wise, it's been tough. I've been eating too many things I shouldn't. I kept getting into my mom's chocolate chip cookies Saturday night when I was there by myself and I bet you I ate fifteen of those things. Didn't get sick once. UGH!! Why am I doing this?! Then today, back at work, I felt compelled to go to the gift shop and buy some of those white chocolate truffle thingies. I bought eight of them! And I've eaten one. And I know I'll eat the rest of them. I should just throw them in the trash, but I can't. I'm too daggone busy feeling sorry for myself. I'm upset with Harry and instead of confronting him with my anger, I'm trying to eat it away. I'm allowing the same old bad behaviors to re-surface. It's pathetic.
Not to mention the fact that, by the scale, I've gained like nearly 20lbs. I KNOW it's water gain from being on all the IV fluids here in the hospital, but it freaked me out BIGTIME!!
5/29/2004
I'm back to work after a couple days off and I'm feeling kinda puny. It's not really so much puny as I'm just icky, or something. LOL I guess I'm not doing a very good job of saying what it is that I'm feeling, just not feeling "right!"
One thing is, the water weight from the IVF's has all dropped off, thanks to the HCTZ. Dr Lovins had prescribed them for me previously when we were trying to flush the kidney stones out. I'm taking two of them a day, and it worked. I'm down to 212lbs this morning which is 1lb less than before. That nineteen pounds of water weight gain was STRANGE, I'll tell you that for sure. I couldn't believe the scale was right. I'd gotten on my mom's scale, and thought, NO this cannot be the right weight. So then when I came back to work last Tuesday and got on our scales here, and lo and behold, it was right, I was 19lbs up.
So at least that's one thing that's taken care of. Sheesh!! Ahhh well, better, I guess. My eating hasn't been too bad, although this sweets thing is making me crazy. I'm CRAVING. CRAVING, CRAVING sweets here lately and I cannot make myself stay away from them. I ate all those chocolate chip cookies the other day, then I ate the white chocolate truffles. Now today, as we speak, I have a Snickers candy bar in my purse. UGH, what am I doing?!?!
I KNOW as sure as I'm SITTING HERE that I need to stop this eating/behavior pattern, that it's disruptive to my weight loss progress. But I can't seem to get my emotions in check and stop this emotional eating. That's all it is. And of course, since I'm now nearly a year out, I can pretty much eat whatever I want to. I mean, I still can't eat large quantities, but I can eat basically anything!
This whole journey with my WLS, and everything has been so eye opening. I've heard others say time and time again that this surgery is on your belly, not your head, and that is so true. I know there've been times in the past, that I've said that I haven't fought the head hunger thing and that's true, I haven't. But the demons I have fought are those that would have me believe that nothing or no one can be as good a "friend" to me as food is or was. I have got to learn that food is a nutritional necessity and nothing more. Food cannot console me when I'm sad or be there for me when no one else is or make me carefree and happy when I'm so bogged down in the mire that I can't see my way to the surface.
Weight today: 212lbs, so 178lbs (*states cautiously*) gone forever!!
5/31/2004
Happy Memorial Day everyone!! LOL it's kind of a laugh, as I'm here at work, but I guess I can look at it this way: at least I'm gettin' paid time and a quarter for it. I was only in the staffing book for eight hours today, but I'm normally twelve hours on every day but Sunday's and the Christmas holiday so I'm assuming it was just an oversight. I really need to work, so the Shift Co-ordinator is letting me go ahead and stay. I mentioned this to Harry last night and of course, he squawked and carried on saying I NEEDED to work, we NEEDED the money and I'd BETTER talk to someone the MINUTE I got here, because I absolutely HAD to work the full twelve hour day today!! UGH, this man is gonna make me insane before it's all said and done!!
The other day I asked Harry to bring me home a few things from WalMart & I had him to get me a couple those Hood Carb CountDown yogurt smoothies. I'm sitting here today drinking one of the Strawberry Banana flavored ones and YUMMY, is it ever delicious!!! I've had the peach flavored one and it was alright, but nothing Earth-shattering, but tasty enough. But I'm really enjoying this flavor.
Today's been a fairly good eating day per se. Breakfast was a cup of Berry Burst Cheerios with milk, and two mozzarella cheese sticks. A few hours later I had a snack of 3 SF Keebler lemon sandwich cookies and another mozarella stick. Lunch was about two ounces of chicken, 1/4 cup of mashed potatoes & gravy and another 1/4 cup of coleslaw. Afternoon snack is the Carb CountDown fruit smoothy (13gm protein and 4gm carbs) and another mozarella stick. Not sure what supper will be but I feel like I'm pretty well on track. I've had the snacky munchies today but at least I'm making good protein choices when I am eating.
Weight today: 210lbs so 180lbs GONE FOREVER!!! (more confident today... LOL!!!)
6/5/2004
Well it would normally be my Saturday to be off, but I'm here working on T6A for Laila, so she could have her yard sale this morning. Good news is, I'm only here until noon. And so far, the nurses are fairly calm and all's pretty well.
Harry's behaving himself recently, but I think it's only cause I went off the deep end the other night. I mean I REALLY went off the deep end. I'm seriously depressed. So seriously depressed I think I need to talk to my doctor about it. I'm really worried. I've never felt this down in my whole life, I feel like everything's falling apart and that I'm powerless to do ANYTHING about it. Anything at all!!
I think something's gotta give in my marriage, and if it doesn't, I'm gonna have to walk out, to save myself. Seriously. I don't think I can make it through this marriage intact if things don't take a serious turn. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and I feel like no one cares one damned bit if I am. I'm more depressed than I've ever been in my life and it scares me, truly. I literally fell apart the other night. I could not stop crying, could not get myself under control. I don't like feeling this way. Life is so friggin' hard. I know it's worth it, somewhere down deep, I can still realize this but I'm having to fight so dang hard just to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm really trying here, really trying. And it's just wearing me down.
Weight today: 206lbs so 184lbs gone forever!!!
6/8/2004
UGH, another day here at work. Things are still not any better at home. I'm very depressed. I have a doctor's appointment this coming Thursday morning & she called in a nerve pill for me to take. Yesterday I was feeling HORRIBLE sitting there at home. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I've NEVER felt this way before, EVER!! I'm not sure what's going on, but I'll be glad to see her on Thursday morning and try to get an even keel on things.
I just feel like giving up. It's so strange, on the one hand, I'm SO happy about my weight loss and all that, and on the other hand, I feel so lost. Just so very lost. Finally today, on the phone, Harry said to me, "If you need to come home early, just do it. Your health's more important than anything." I could've bawled. In fact, I did. It's like, maybe he finally gets it. Either that or maybe he finally gets that he HAS TO GET IT OR ELSE. Not sure which.
I posted a message to the boards today about desperately needing some prayers and was absolutely touched and HUMBLED at the outpouring of support I received. This is quite a group!!
Weight today: 200lbs, so 190lbs gone forever!!!
6/9/2004
It's almost over... LOL!!!... This day, I mean!!! I have a little over an hour to go and I think I can ALMOST make it.
I've made pretty good eating choices today, so I feel proud about that. I'm still pretty mired down and it's kinda hard to be here. I was really hoping for a VA this afternoon so that I could come home at 3PM but the extra secretary had to go to 4Tower, so no such luck for me. It's been a fairly good afternoon though and as it turns out, I had my review, which was all good.
I'm doing my best to hang in there. But my nerves are pretty well shot at this point. I'm just anxious to see what the doctor recommends for me in the morning. I called the hospital's Employee Assistance Program this afternoon & it appears that you can have six free counseling sessions and then they can arrange further follow-up's where needed. So I will look into that & bring that up with Dr Lovins in the morning. I hope she'll have some good advice for me at my follow-up because I'm really really at my wit's end. I dunno if I need anti-depressants or what, but I'm just really falling apart.
I confided some of this to my boss this afternoon in my review and she was very consoling & said if there was anything she could do for me, to let her know. It's good to feel that way with your manager. I'm lucky
Weight today: 200lbs so 190lbs gone forever!!!!
6/12/2004
I've just recently read the sad news of the passing of Momma Angel. She was, as I suspect for many others too, one of the first, if not THE FIRST, to sign my surgery page. She had such a love for the morbidly & severely morbidly obese. And while we'll miss her tremendously, I know she is in a better place, and that brings me peace along with the tears. She was tireless in her support to surgery pages, and was a bright spot in the lives of so many who had/have so little support otherwise in their lives. It would do for ALL of us to show a little Momma Angel in us and share & give of ourselves as she did.
On a bit more positive note, my beautiful niece, Miss Ellie, had her awards ceremony for the Sixth Grade, and was given the Presidential Award for Academic Excellence. She received a letter from President George W Bush talking about citizenship and young Americans and the value of education. He also spoke of how proud he and Mrs Bush were of her and that he hoped she continued with her chosen path. I was beaming with pride and tears were streaming down my face. I still remember her as the little munchkin who used to come spend the night with me and end up in my bed... LOL!!!
Weight today: 200lbs so 190lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!
6/26/2004
It's been SUCH a long day and I feel SO dragged out. I don't have one ounce of energy left.
Continued 6/28/2004 -- I realized I never finished this post. My shift co-ordinator, Amy, let me go ahead and get outta here a bit early this evening, so I just shut the computer down and got the hell outta here...LOL!!!!
Things are not going well at home, as usual. My migraines are worse, they're stress-related, this much we've decided, and I'm back on the Zoloft. So between the Zoloft, the nerve pill & the pain pills for the migraines, I feel like I walk around in a daze all the time. I know people can see it in me. I know something's not right. And I know I need to find some peace of mind. I did call my company's EAP (Employee Assistance Program) and made an appointment for Wednesday at 9AM to speak with Sharon. She's supposed to be very good and quite understanding, from what I've heard, and they offer six free counseling sessions to employees and their families.
Sometimes I feel guilty about all the complaining I do about Harry here. I don't wanna make it sound like he has no redeeming factors whatsoever. He does pray for me. I know he, in his own way, limited though that may be, does care for me. He shows flashes of caring, flashes of concern, but it seems that they are few and far between. He does hug me and occasionally hold me, even though he refuses to be intimate with me. He even occasionally "puts up with" my showing HIM affection, although he usually stops it with excuses that I'm tickling him or something like that. It just feels phoney.
It feels like he's manipulating me into staying. If he somewhat treats me "good" for a time, then I'll put up with more. It's the old drawing more flies with honey than with vinegar routine, I guess. Just like now for instance, he's being "all understanding," even somewhat "easy" with the money and all that. When that happens, I feel tbat I'm silly to be thinking of leaving him. When he's behaving himself, it makes me feel(or I'm MADE to feel) that it's my fault somehow. Liked if I'd.... done whatever, you feel free to fill in the blanks, this other thing would've not been such a big deal. But it is, because he is. LOL if that makes ANY sense at all!!!
Weight today 196lbs so 194lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!!
7/9/2004
Another Friday. I'm here at work because the other secretary, Carol, has some vacation days coming and I agreed to work. Now, in the midst of the day, with my head screaming in pain, I'm regretting that decision. I'm just feeling rotten and I'm depressed and while things might be a little better at home, I'm still so unsure as to what to do in that department.
My eating has sucked lately. All I wanna eat at home is sugar free popsicles. I can't seem to find the energy to do anything. I know it's just the depression. I'm back on Zoloft and while I think it's helping a little bit, I can't be for sure. These headaches I've been dealing with and the migraines have me really over a barrel. I think Dr Lovins has finally seen that she's done whatever she can do for me and is sending me to a neurologist next week. I go see Dr Harris on Tuesday. I know him a bit from the hospital and he seems like a fairly decent fella. He's pretty quiet and seemingly benign.
I just hope they can figure SOMETHING out, because these things are really making me crazy.
This is something I hesitate to journal about but I'm going to, and if anyone has anything to say to me about it, well they can just mind their own business... LOL!!! I have a new friend, but it's just a friendship. The strange thing is that it's my sister's ex-husband. Anyone who's familiar with my marriage knows that it's falling apart in a big way and I'm practically given up on making it work. He and I both, I believe, know it's over, but our faith has been what's keeping us together. I know that's an awfully strong thing to keep a marriage together, but it just seems time to put this side of my life to a rest and get on with things. Not that I feel the need justify my actions, but I guess maybe in a way, I do. It's just been tough, going through all I've gone through and feeling that I've had no support whatsoever from Harry.
I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression here, though. Nothing has happened between me and this other man, except a couple conversations. We just talked a time or two over at my mom's and as he's going through his second divorce and my marriage is in SUCH turmoil, we feel we have something in common. He's been nothing but simply friendly to me and I'm so appreciative to have a new friend!
7/21/2004
I realize it's been SEVERAL days since I've updated and I don't have much time now.
I've left Harry & have moved in with my Mom... It was a tough decision to make but I had to do it for my own sanity. It isn't going to be easy, I know this, but it had to be done. I couldn't live in that circumstance for any longer and still be able to function. I was so depressed and so down that I felt I no longer wanted to live. And it is SO not worth that, this marriage to Harry. Not that I'm completely callous about the whole thing, I just know when enough is enough. And I've had ENOUGH!!! Enough of being ignored, enough of his complete and utter disregard for my feelings, desires, and thoughts. I've dealt with being hated by his mother for long enough. I've dealth with being bossed around by him for long enough. And I've dealt with his tyrannical controlling behavior toward me for long enough. I'm DONE!!!
Also, some other monkeys on my back that I've been dealing with are straightening themselves out too. Don't mean to be cryptic, but it's really all I feel comfortable saying in this forum. Anyone who should know, does know, so 'nuff said... LOL!!!!
I'm doing alright except for a recent hospitalization for some bad migraine headaches... I've lost a bit more weight so that's exciting... And I'll try to update more this weekend when I work.
Weight today: 191lbs, so 199lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!!
Postscript: Here are some lyrics to a song by Linkin Park that sort of "speak" to me about my marriage to Harry.
"Numb"
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step I take is just another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me,
With someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
7/24/2004
It's been such a few weeks, I can't even BEGIN to describe. As I stated before, I'm at Mom's now. She's wonderful and I love her dearly, don't get me wrong, but she and my aunt Glady (the old broads, as I call 'em.. LOL!!!) are set in their ways and too much alike sometimes and we can butt heads from time to time.
But it's comforting to be in a safe haven. And it's nice to know that I'm somewhere that it's okay to just be Amy. And I'm not sure I EVER felt that way with Harry.
Weight today: 185lbs so 205lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!! (DOUBLE CENTURY MARK REACHED!!!!!!!!!!!!)
8/16/2004
UGH... such a LONG time has passed since I've updated and I'm SO sorry for that!!! I don't mean to neglect my profile, but so much has happened. I know there are folks out there who watch for my updates 'cause I get emails from them every now and again when I DO update, so I don't wanna disappoint... LOL!!!
I've been hospitalized three times in the last eight weeks. Once for kidney stones, abdominal and flank pain for five days, once for a bad migraine overnight, and just a couple weeks ago for an ileus for over a week. My body's definitely had a toll taken on it and I don't care to repeat any of it, that's for sure. I know that stress has been a HUGE part of all of this, and I know that getting out of the house and away from Harry has helped that stress level a great deal. I miss him though, I have to admit. It's hard for me to say that, considering all he's put me through. Regardless of what he's done to me, I do love him and it's tough to end a marriage, no matter what the circumstances are.
I hate to get divorced again. It's just like another failure. It feels like I'm this two-time loser or something. And I KNOW I shouldn't feel that way, but I do!! I know this isn't my fault, although I'm not completely blameless. It does take more than one person to screw up a marriage and I can see and understand that. I just want some happiness for my life, that's all... just want to know that there's a life out there for me to build for myself. I'll do my best to deal with the issues at hand, as I can do it, and keep on going on with life. It's the best I can do.
The strange thing is this friendship I'm developing with Brian. And the even stranger thing is that I'm beginning to realize that I didn't even know him that well way back when, as we've known each other for nearly 16yrs. We jokingly say now that we didn't say THIS many words to one another the whole time we knew each other then... LOL!!!
Brian's been through so much and he's back in town and has been for several months now. He's made so many changes in his life and he's straight, sober and on his meds for his manic depression. He's really working very hard at getting his life on track and this friendship we're developing has become VERY important to the both of us. He has changed in SO many ways, it's mind-blowing to me. I've come to count on his support in more ways than I care to even think about. It's turned out to be such a comfort to me in these days when life is so upside down and so confusing and where I feel so out of sync with EVERYTHING going on around me. It feels nice to be able to talk with someone who literally has walked through the fire and has come out the other side stronger for it and, if not yet whole, getting there.
Brian and I have gone out for coffee and we've gone to the park and just sat and talked for hours. We've talked too many times on the phone to even remotely count and, as I said, I'm beginning to depend on his friendship and support a great deal. It's just so amazing to me at how alike we are in our thinking on so many things and we just seem to have clicked right from the get-go. I think it surprised us both. It's just an easy relationship, something that we both NEED right now.
My marriage certainly hasn't afforded me any ease during its tenure and he's been through so much with Renee and with her basically abandoning her when he needed her the most, it's tough for him to count on her anymore. He says she still calls him from time to time and cries when he brings up divorce. I know he's torn. I'm torn too. But I think we both know what we need to do. And who knows what might happen in the future.
Harry is flip-flopping back and forth between being nice to me and being difficult at times. I told him, a few weeks back, that if I were the spouse that had been left, I'd be doing EVERYTHING I could THINK of to make my wife know that I loved her, wanted her back, missed her, etc, etc. But it's like that's all Greek to him. He can't even wrap his mind around that concept in the least. I try and try to figure out why things have turned out the way they have. I certainly didn't want to resort to another divorce as I said before. I didn't want this in the least. But it looks as if that's where it's heading. I just can't deal with this any longer. It's just like he can't even see the error in his ways and that is so frustrating to me.
At times, I think he sees it a bit, then at other times, he seems so erratic in his behaviors and he just doesn't at all seem apologetic or like he's done anything wrong. I don't know what to make of it all. I try to understand or make sense of everything the best I can. I've tried and tried to see where he's coming from on things and I just can't get my mind wrapped around it. He can be, at times, loving and seem concerned and then, at other times, all he's concerned with is the money and how all that's going to play out in the end. Not that I'm not concerned about the money as well, I am, but, as I said, it's not only all about that.
I'm just so out of sorts with the whole thing right now. I'm so confused about so many things. I want to honour my vows, but I can no longer be this unhappy and I know I deserve better than what I've gotten with Harry these past five years. I hate that it's having to end this way but I think it's going to have to end. Period. It may not be as I'd wished it would be. I guess there's a part of me that still is praying for a miracle, but I don't honestly believe I'm going to get one. I know that God can do anything He wants to do and if I trust in Him, He can work miracles in my life. But I'm not so sure I want Him to in this case. Is that horrible to admit that?! Sometimes I feel like I'm not being very strong in my faith by admitting that, but it's how I feel right now.
And I have to go with my gut. My gut is telling me that Harry is NOT going to change. EVER! And that I should take every opportunity to make a happy life for myself, come what may.
I'm scared at times of what the future may hold, but it's an excited scared, not a bad scared. At first, it was a bad scared, but it's not anymore. I just wish I knew where I was headed, you know. I know I have my family, good friends, good co-workers and my faith, first and foremost, and I know with these things on my side, that I can make it.
Weight today: 180lbs so 210lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!!!
9/18/2004
Welp, today is my 15 month anniversary of my WLS and I'm about
5-10lbs away from my goal. I couldn't be happier with this part of my life.
Parts of the rest of my life aren't going so well. I'm definitely getting divorced, and I know it's the right thing to do, but it's tough! As I said in my previous post, it makes me feel like being a two-time loser. I know this isn't true, but it feels that way!
Other parts of my life are going very well. Brian and I are getting along great and enjoying spending more and more time together. I feel as though I've finally met the person I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. He accepts me for me, we hold many of the same hopes and values for life. We have the same loyalty to family and all that. It's just a VERY easy relationship to be in and I love him dearly. He makes me so happy, I deserve some happiness in my life and I'm TAKING it!!
Ellie's having a hard time dealing with it. She called the whole thing very "hillbilly" and her dad told her that it hurt him when she spoke to him so disrespectfully. I think she got the point. I talked to her the other day and she's just OVER talking about this, in general. She told me she's willing for us to spend time together, the three of us, and see how it goes. So I think we'll try something one of these weekends soon and see what happens. I love her dearly and I wouldn't do ANYTHING to hurt her, but sheesh!!!!
"People do not change until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change." -- I don't know the original source of this quote, but a fellow OH member, Spyder, mentioned it on the boards and I find it to be quite profound, especially in Brian's life.
10/2/2004
Ahhhh, life!! LOL!! I think my weight has pretty much stabilized where it's staying. My goal is/was 175lbs and on a day to day basis, I waiver between 180-183lbs. I gain & lose the same three pounds over and over again. But you know what?! I'm in a size 16 or a generous size 14 in pants and can now shop in the Misses section and don't have to venture to the Plus Sizes. I can't however get by with less than an XL (although still from the Misses department) in shirts or tops or jackets, cause my boobs are still too big... LOL!!
I know they say women usually lose in their faces and breasts before anywhere else, but I'm telling you what. My face may certainly be slimmer, but my boobs have only gone down from a DDD/E cup to a small DD or a generous D cup. The good thing about THIS face, however, is that I'll still qualify for a breast reduction at this size. And since they do a lift when they do a reduction, I'm all set. I have shoulder and back pain from them sagging and being so long and flabby. The other day, when I had my outpatient surgery procedure, my sister and her five year old, William, came with me. When I was changing out of my clothes into my gown, Will pipes in with this: "BOY, Aunt Amy, your boobs sure are LONG!!!" Aren't kids something?! LOL he cracked Ang and I up BIGTIME!!
I ate at Red Lobster for the first time since my surgery nearly 16months ago the other night and it was WONDERFUL!! I ended up getting the lobster and crab stuffed mushrooms and ate a bite or two of my mom's salad. It was a good choice. You get six of the mushroom caps with all that delicious cheese, lobster and crabmeat and I was able to eat five of them. It was wonderful. I'd been craving Red Lobster for quite some time and I was glad to get to go there, although I had to be convinced to leave the hospital to meet them there.
I'd asked for a VA that day. My work has these, where you can go home early with or without pay (your choice) if there's another secretary in house that's not needed elsewhere. I didn't think I was going to get one since the house supervisor never called me back regarding staffing. Usually they only call you IF you get it, but don't call if you didn't get it. So anyhoo, at around 5PM, Virgie, one of the float secretaries, called and said she wasn't needed anywhere else until 7:30PM (when my shift ends normally) so since I'd asked for the VA, I could go home if I wanted & she'd come up to cover our unit. Of COURSE, I jumped at that chance and called my family. They were getting ready to all meet at the restaurant so I said I'd meet them.
THEN, I find out that Brian has gone to the Emergency Room so I was torn. As much as I wanted to meet my family, I wanted to be with him, almost more. So I walked down to ER and asked if they could find out if it was OK for me to go back to the room with him. They asked him and of COURSE he said yes, so I went back. He'd needed to be seen as his poison ivy was getting way worse, as was his back pain and his throat was so sore that he was worried it might be something serious or that he'd need antibiotics. I walked back there and he looked really bad. I felt so sorry for him and I didn't want to leave him there by himself. His mom had just dropped him off and was going to pick him up when he was done.
I HATED to leave him but he wanted me to. Just as we were discussing this, they came to take him to x-ray for his back, so I reluctantly did go. They put him on steroids for the back and the poison ivy, and gave him pain meds for the back as well, and the antibiotics. So between that and the meds he takes anyway, he's having a real time of it. Poor baby!! I feel so sorry for him.
I can't believe how much my life has changed in the time that Harry and I have been apart. I can't deny, it was a hard decision to come to, one that Brian wonders if he hasn't played a part in. But back when I was still living WITH Harry, Brian and I had only talked on a couple of occasions, so it wasn't as if there were any "monkey business" going on or anything like that. I told Brian this, that if he did in some way help to influence my decision, it was the RIGHT decision anyway, and one I'd already deep in my heart KNEW I was going to be making as soon as I felt "ready," and the time just came that I was ready.
Brian is the most wonderful man I think I've ever known. I've known him for over 15 years and yet he's so different now, it's as if I met a whole new person three months ago. His manic-depression is now controlled by medication and he's off ALL illegal substances of any kind and has been for more than a year. He rarely drinks, not that this was ever a big deal with him, but he doesn't do that very often, even now. And he's learning the coping mechanisms that were not there all those years ago when he was in so much trouble. His classes are really helping him and I think he's just getting ready to sign up for another set of them. I can understand why, as they seem to be helping him a great deal.
I know it may seem as if I'm jumping into another relationship quickly but I think when you know it's right, you just know. It was the oddest thing, when I first started talking to him, I knew something important or special was happening to me. I couldn't put a finger on it, but I just knew. I was talking to his mom, Rosetta, a couple days ago and she gave me a big hug, told me she loved me, and thanked me for bringing her son "back to life," as she called it. I'm not sure I need that much credit, I just know how I feel about him. I know how I feel when I'm with him, what my feelings for him are, and I'm sure about how he feels toward me as well. And even though Harry and I've only been separated for a little over three months, I've known that marriage was dead for a good long while, and I think that because of this fact, I might as well have been apart from him even longer. Brian's divorce from Renee isn't final, although they've been apart for well over a year.
After the horrendous way Harry has treated me, both in the marriage and during this time we've been separated, I REFUSE to have or feel ANY guilt about any happiness I can find in life. I finally have enough self-esteem and self-respect to see and know what and whom I deserve in life, and I'm not letting anything get in my way. Life's too short, you know?!
I've done SO much soul-searching in the past three and a half months...
10/3/2004
Another day, another dollar, huh?! At least it's my Sunday to work, so it's my short day. Only eight hours. I can make it... I have only two hours left to go, so it's all good.
It's not been that good of an eating day for me. My breakfast made me sick to my stomach but at LEAST I was able to eat a bit of taco salad for lunch. So let's hope I'm on an up trend.
Brian and I had such a wonderful talk last night. I can't get over him sometimes. He's so loving and giving to me and at times, we both wonder what we've done to deserve such happiness, but we know we do deserve it. I think he and I have both, for so many years, just given and GIVEN to the people in our lives and never gotten much in return. It's a whole different story with us. I think we take care of each other so completely.
I can be having the WORST day ever and just the sound of his voice calms me down and settles everything. It makes me KNOW I can get through it, no matter what. He's so gentle and loving with me. I've never had anyone treat me so wonderfully and be so open with me on every level. I know there's nothing we couldn't say to each other, no matter what. Last night's conversation proved that. I won't go into great detail but there's someone who's a part of his life that he doesn't really want there. And he told me something about this person that involved him. Something that, a few months ago, would've made me question whether things could work out for us. But last night I had a revelation. It was no longer about ME... my only thought was what can I do for him to help him. He said, "That's true love!" And he's so right, it is.
I tell him all the time how proud I am of all the changes he's made and it's true. I'm in awe of what he's managed to accomplish as much as he's been through. He talks, at times, about his past experiences and things that have happened in his life and it makes my heart ache for him. I wish I could wrap my arms around him and take it all away. I never want him to struggle or suffer again and I'll do anything I have to do to make sure that doesn't happen. I'll take as good a care of him as I can, and even though I know I can't always guarantee that things will be perfect and smooth-sailing all the way, I know we can get through it. I KNOW!!
Ellie's feeling better about things too which makes me feel better. Brian and I've talked repeatedly that the only two people whose opinions truly matter to us are Angie's and Ellie's. And while we wonder sometimes if Ang is as easy going with this as she claims to be, I'll just have to take her at face value on this one. Brian makes me so very happy that I'm not sure I could give him up even if she didn't approve. In fact, I know I couldn't!
We talked for the longest time on the phone last night and it was so comforting. The only thing that would've been better is to have him right there by my side in person. I yearn for that day. All in due time though, we'll get there. I've told him in the past that I truly believe there's a reason that he's still alive on this Earth, given his past. Last night he said he thought it was to be here for me. My heart could've burst with joy. Even though I think his purpose is much greater than that, just to know that he regards me in such high esteem is both astounding and awe-inspiring. I don't know what I've done to deserve all this happiness but I'm taking it. He and I both deserve it so much and we make each other so happy.
I can be and feel so at ease with him on EVERY level of our relationship. Nothing feels strange or awkward, not from the mundane to the most intimate of things. No subject is taboo, no conversation is too difficult. I feel I'm comfortable in my own skin around him and I dunno if I've EVER felt that way to the degree I do now. I can easily say I'm the happiest I've been in my adult life. All I want to do is go forward into the future with him and do everything in my power to make him as happy and he's made me.
I feel like I walk around with a goofy grin on my face all the time, because of Brian. Just his hand on the back of my neck or on my face, just an embrace, and I feel finally as if I'm home. Finally where I belong. Finally where I'm not only totally accepted but acknowledged as a good person, as one worthy of his love, affection, loyalty and sharing a life with him. I can see the future so easily and I can't wait for it to be realized. I want to wake up every morning and see that face that I've grown to love so dearly and go to bed every night with it being the last thing I see before I drift off to sleep. That would be heaven to me. He makes me feel both needed and wanted, but he also makes me understand that I want to be the best me I can be... for him, not for myself. He challenges me every day, whether he realizes it or not, to make the best decisions for myself because I know now that every decision I make not only impacts my life, but his as well.
But it doesn't scare me at all. It's comforting, and so easy to be in this position with him. As I've said, we're so connected on every level and I'm amazed by him. I don't think as long as I live I could ever give him back what he's given me in the past three months. I could never fully express to him, though Lord only knows I try, what he means to me and what his being in my life has done for me and how much impact he's had on my feelings about my life and my future and the things I want out of them. He looks out for me as much as I look out for him, which is something I've never experienced in my entire life. I've never had someone just be so unequivocally be there for me and not ask anything in return. That in and of itself just makes me want to do everything for him as well, and always to be the best I can be for him. He holds my heart in his hands and I know he'll treat it kindly and cherish it, as I do and will his.
10/7/2004
Today is Cody's birthday. He is my first husband's nephew, the son of his sister who was killed in a drunk driving accident when Cody was only a few months old. He's turning 14 years old and it seems like JUST the other day when he was born. I can still remember my first husband holding him when Julie brought him home from the hospital. WOW, what a memory. I can't believe he's this old already. Ellie will be 13 next month and that just does NOT seem possible. I'm so excited for the day when Brian and I are living together and she comes to stay with us. I love her so much, she's always been my girl. I can't wait for that day for so many reasons!!
Things with Brian are still wonderful!! He's the most special man I believe I've ever met. His treatment of me is so kind and so deliberate and so intentional, and I can't help but be astounded by his character. He's a wonderful man, truly he is. I'm so lucky and blessed to have him in my life. I feel like he is the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. We had a serious talk yesterday at "our place" at the park. But you know, it went well... it was a pretty "heavy" topic, and we got through it just fine. We both voiced our concerns and we came to see eye to eye on it, and it was all good.
Weight today: 175lbs, so 215lbs GONE FOREVER & goal reached!!!!
10/11/2004
It was a WONDERFUL weekend & I was able to spend a good amount of time with Brian both days. He is such a joy to me. He brings me such happiness and such laughter, that I can't believe how blessed & fortunate I am to have him in my life.
Saturday we just kinda hung out off and on then went to see a movie. We watched "The Forgotten" and man, was it different... I won't go into details in case anyone reading here still wants to go see it, but we'll leave it at this: I thought I was going to see a "psychological thriller" type movie and it ended up bein' a bit too "sci-fi" for my taste... LOL!!! Then we went to Sirloin Stockade for supper... they'll take my restaurant card there, so it's a deal even though it's a buffet.
Sunday we were plannin' to sneak some alone time in, but never got the chance... so we decided to get out of our respective places and head out to Nashville to the Flea Markets and just enjoy the beautiful fall weather. We left around 9:30 in the morning and went on out there. We stopped at Gypsy Moon and I got my fill of checking out the china patterns that I like and all that good stuff. Of course, Brian had to scope out all the tools. When we got done looking there, we went on to Westward Ho, which has always been my favorite one and we started looking there. We had such a good time. I bought a cool leather belt and a piece of Haeger pottery with the original sticker still on it. It was an awesome find, that's for sure. I only paid $2 for it and I'm sure it's gotta be worth more than that.
I think the thing about the day with Brian that warmed my heart the most though was just the way that he was always there, right beside me. It didn't matter if we were looking at things I wanted to or that he wanted to, he never left my side. He's so in the moment with me at all times, and considering where my life has been, with Harry, in the last six years, it's so refreshing to know and feel Brian's presence. I wish I could describe how he makes me feel. It's more than just loved and treasured and protected and special. It's nothing I can actually put into words, but it's the most wonderful thing in the world to FEEL!!
We left the second flea market and drove on toward Nashville and ate at Maldonado's. It's this great Mexican restaurant that has very authentic food and great chips and salsa. Brian was in heaven when he tasted those... LOL!! He ordered a chicken chimi and I got my usual Tex-Mex chili relleno, with sour cream on the side. It was wonderful and we both really enjoyed it. I think he and I can enjoy just about ANYTHING together. It's the strangest thing.
Just like that day that he came over to help Mom & Glady with the yardwork. I got out there and helped him and was happy to do it. It just tickled me so much to be able to be out there with him and to be helping him and be by his side and to give back to him even an iota of what he gives me every day. To me, if you can enjoy the mundane right along with the serious things with someone, you've really got something.
The thing that I think neither of us can get used to or whatever you wanna call it is the way we just seem to connect on all these levels. Just when we think we're in agreement on most everything, we learn a whole new level within which we agree even more. It's astounding. I'm constantly surprised and delighted by the whole thing!! We have so much fun together and yet we can also be so serious and so attentive to one another at the same time. As I've said, I've NEVER been this happy in my entire adult life and I REFUSE to feel badly about it.
Harry now knows that Brian and I are together. His comment in regards to this was that he hoped I knew what I was doing because I obviously was "not thinking" in my "right mind," as he called it. I told him that thank you very much, I'm in the best place in my mind I've been in years. I don't think he liked that very much. But, you know, he had his chance. I gave him every oppurtunity to treat me as he should've. I stayed with him LONG after I knew things were dead between us and would never be good. I stayed with him through the pornography addiction, through all the crap with his mom, through his insecurities and his obsessive compulsive behaviors, through everything.
And what I have to show for it is this: six wasted years of my life with someone who never treated me as I deserved to be treated. Truth be known, although it's difficult to admit, I never believed I truly DESERVED better before this weight loss. I know NOW that I do, but then I didn't and I don't think I could've known it without this surgery. Just another thing to be thankful for I guess!!
Weight today: 174lbs for 216lbs GONE FOREVER!!! (And I'm OFFICIALLY below goal... wahoo... who would've thought it?!)
10/12/2004
Welp, I'm smack dab in the middle of three twelve hour days in a row, and I'll tell you what, I'm beat. I was actually hoping to get a VA this afternoon, but that's not in the cards apparently. I can make it, but UGH, I feel rotten. Not only am I tired, but I'm having horrible cramps and some bleeding. I have a call in to Dr Albers office but I haven't heard back from them yet. I forgot to bring in my cramp heat pad things, those ThermaCare ones. They really work and I have one left at home, but as I said, I forgot to bring it with me. I know I should prob'ly always carry one of those around with me for such an occasion, but I can't go back now and suddenly remember it... LOL!!!
I called Brian, I'm going to see if he minds running over there & picking it up and bringing it to me if Glady is home. But he's at group and not home yet. I dunno how long it lasts, but I'm sure he'll call me as soon as he gets the message. I need to let Glad know he might be coming over there to pick it up.
I'm hoping his office calls me back soon, cause this is hurting really badly. I'm also having some of the lower abdominal cramping and stomach cramping like I had when I got the ileus. I don't wanna get this out of control, so I was HOPING that they'd just call in an x-ray for me so that we could see what was going on. I can't afford to have to be back in the hospital, that's for sure.
I'm feeling worse and worse as this day goes on. Sheesh, I need a break from feeling rotten, don't I?! LOL!!!!
Brian and I had such a great talk and a great time out at "our spot" last night. There's a local park here where we go to and we park, then we walk out to the lookout over the river. When I think of all the hours we've logged out there just talking and enjoying each other's company, it just makes me smile. YIKES if that lookout bridge could talk... LOL!!
I'm so thankful for him, truly! I told him last night that I was so happy with my life right now. My health appears to have taken an upswing, all the issues that have plagued me lately have worked themselves out apparently. Knock wood!! LOL!!! I'm at my goal weight, something that I wasn't sure I'd ever get to say. I haven't had a migraine in weeks. So far, no more evidence of any kidney stone problems. I had a day or two where I was having little twinges of flank pain, but no other than that.
I am seeing Dr Onishi, one of Dr Lovins's partners (since she's out this week) on Thursday morning regarding this abdominal pain that's been troubling me. I got out of the habit of taking my Colace and haven't had a bowel movement in over a week, or so it seems. I think that's what has done it. I don't want to develop another ileus so I was in hopes that they'd just order a KUB & upright and we could just check it out. But I think that because Dr Lovins isn't in, they don't feel comfortable doing that without seeing me. And this is fine, but one thing seems odd to me. I've noticed alot of trouble here lately in dealing with her office. I'm a bit miffed about it, I have to confess. I know that there for awhile I was calling them quite a bit, when my nerves were doing so badly. But I'm good with that at this moment and don't perceive this as being an issue for the future.
I'm just so happy right now with the way my life's going. Brian is the best thing that EVER happened to me, that's for darn sure. He gives me such peace of mind and I love him with all my heart. This has just been such an unexpected blessing in my life. Words cannot even begin to describe how I feel when I'm with him. He's kind, loving, giving, compassionate, and extremely sexy. His determination to rise above the issues from the past makes me so proud of him. He truly wants a better life and he's doing EVERYTHING he can to make that happen.
He's put so much of it behind him and is looking ahead toward a brighter future, a future for the two of us. We've had so many talks about how each decision that he and I make affects the other one and I think it's made BOTH of us realize what changes need to occur in our own respective lives to make the future we want a reality. I can't wait to be with him all the time. We've already decided that we're going to live together once we get the means necessary to make this happen and (of course) once my divorce from Harry is final. I'm getting ready to file here before too long and while I was hopeful to have it finalized prior to the end of the year, it doesn't now look like this is going to happen. But it's all good.
He's made me really stop to think about everything in my life. I haven't always been responsible in the past about some things, whether it be in spending money, or keeping house or other issues in my life, but I'm changing in so many ways as well. Last week when I got paid, I paid each of my bills before I did ANYTHING else. I've even sat here today and made a list of all the bills that need taken care of with next week's check. I've always wanted to be this organized with this sort of thing before, but never felt I had the support or the right partner in my life to be ABLE to do that!! With my first husband, he rarely worked & so there just wasn't enough money to handle things. And with Harry, he had to be the one controlling the cash, so there wasn't any availability to have any say-so over anything related to the money.
It's just that I want for Brian and I to be heading into the brightest future we can. I want to have so many of these things taken care of before we begin our life together. And while I know that there are some things I won't have paid off before that happens, I know I can knock out so very many of them in the coming months if I'm diligent enough.
The only thing I haven't been able to do is pay Mom & Gladys anything for living there. But they're not sweating it too much. I mean, it's not as if I'm costing them any additional money by being there. I help out around the house wherever I can. I'm sure I don't do as much as I could and I'd like to remedy that as well. Mom won't let me do the laundry since she's so fussy about HOW it gets done and that's okay with me. I'd be more than happy to do it myself, but if she prefers, I'm not gonna argue... LOL!! She got all shook & torn because she said I "put too much" in her dryer and it's not a heavy duty machine. LOL I bet I only had ten items of clothing in there, it wasn't as if it were twenty five towels or anything. But Mom took opposition to this and told me she'd just as soon do them herself. Ahhh well... life with your mother when you're nearly 37yrs old is bound to be interesting... LOL!!! At least she's not trying to give me a curfew!!!
Weight today: 174lbs and holding!!! Total weight loss to date is an amazing 216lbs!!
10/17/2004
Welp, it's Sunday and it's my 37th birthday. YIKES, 37 years old. But I don't feel that age... I feel about 27... LOL!!!!! I know I have this surgery to thank for the energy and love for life that I have and I couldn't be more thankful.
Brian called me earlier and wished me a happy birthday. He asked me if I felt my age and I told him that I didn't... He said GOOD!! LOL!!!!! Of course, he ALSO tells me I don't LOOK that old either, so that's good... boy, does he know just the right thing to say, or what?! LOL!!!
He just called me again to tell me happy birthday and to tell me he loves me. What a sweet man. He makes me so very happy. He told me last night, when I was dropping him off at home at the end of the day, that I should go home and thank my mom for giving birth to me 37 years ago for him. What did I ever do to deserve such happiness?!
We had SUCH a great time at Ft Vallonia Days yesterday. He was right by my side every moment, it was so refreshing after the way Harry would never do anything down there with me. Brian never hardly left my side. He was just so there in the moment with me at all times. With Harry I always felt that he was embarassed to be seen with me in public, but Brian is right there with his arm around me or holding my hand or touching my back to guide me through the crowd, all that. That physical affection is what I was missing and needing so badly. And I'm so very lucky that I get that with Brian. He's so very loving and so giving.
Brian and I had a very serious discussion last night about something that happened to me in my past that I've never been able to talk about with anyone. When my first husband & I were married, his younger sister Julie was killed in a drunk driving accident back in 1990. The night she died, we got the call at about 2:30AM from their father. We'd been staying at my mom's for a few weeks until an apartment we were going to rent was to be ready. She woke us up and told us there was a phone call. He went down to take it and I practically fell right back to sleep. Before I knew it, my mom was racing back upstairs to tell me that there'd been an accident and I needed to come downstairs right away. He was in shock. I don't think he truly realized where he even was or what was even going on, other than the fact that his sister was dead.
We drove to Seymour and when it was finally time for us to get some rest, the only place for us to sleep was Julie's bedroom, as it was the only one in the house not occupied. We went inside and since I hadn't brought anything with me, I took my pants and sweatshirt off and was just going to sleep in my panties and t-shirt. He flipped off the light and got into bed. What happened next was one of the most if not THE most surreal moments in my life. I think that all the rage he felt that his sister was gone and the rush of emotion finally kicked in, along with a big heapin' dose of adrenalin and what occured could basically only be called rape. I didn't know what to do.
He was so obviously not himself and I felt so helpless, not only because of what was happening to me but also because of what had just happened to him. I knew the news of his sister's death would hit him hard, they'd just managed to find a way to put their sibling relationship in a good place, after years of his feeling that their parents had treated her somewhat better.
Julie's son Cody was just a four month old baby when she died and I think that made us all feel worse, because we knew he'd never remember his mommy. It was so very tragic for everyone involved but I think my ex took it harder than anyone. It wasn't as if I couldn't understand; if anything ever happened to Angie, I'd be devastated. But last night, the sheer fact of talking about it with Brian and remembering what had happened, coming face to face with the old demons, it really made me feel vulnerable. Of course, Brian was, as always, right there in the moment with me and never waivered in his support. He very kindly held my hand, kissed my face and told me that I had to realize that I can't pay for the character flaws in others. He said that we've all been guilty of doing things we wouldn't normally do when in extreme situations, and while he wasn't excusing the behavior, it needed to be more about how I was dealing with it in the here and now, rather than continuing to keep it all bottled up inside, like I had for the past fourteen years. So wise.
It constantly amazes me how I can just be me, just talk to Brian, tell him everything and he's so accepting, so loving, so right there with me through it all. Even the tough conversations like the one we had last night are practically enjoyable because it just shows me that we can discuss anything and be there for one another.
10/22/2004
It's Friday evening, nearly 5:00PM and I'm working, as usual. Tomorrow is my friend Teresa's wedding and Brian & I are going to the reception. She's having a family only wedding as she is so terribly uncomfortable with being the "center of attention" and since she & Joe both have big families, she couldn't deal with the prospect of having to be "on stage" in front of that many people... LOL as if you're gonna get through your own wedding day as the bride WITHOUT bein' the center of everyone's attention in the place.
Brian & I are also having a romantic evening away Saturday night and I'm SO looking forward to it. We deserve this time to ourselves with everything going on in our lives right now.
10/25/2004
Welp, it's Monday and I'm back at work. Saturday was phenomenal. Teresa & Joe's reception was wonderful. She looked BEAUTIFUL in her dress and everything there at the Crystal Ballroom was spectacular from the food to the music to the company. Brian is so attentive and so loving and I NEVER felt as though he'd rather be somewhere else, even though he didn't know anyone there.
We didn't get to dance, which was kinda disappointing as we'd planned to and it's been YEARS since I've danced. Harry never would dance with me and even though Brian said he's not that great a dancer, he said he'd be willing to, 'cause he knew how much it meant to me. So we'd planned on waiting for a good song to get up there, a slow one that we liked, and we'd been there for nearly two and a half hours, had talked to everyone we wanted to talk to, had hugged and congratulated Teresa and so we went ahead & left around 7:30PM to head down to where we were staying.
It was MAGICAL. It was perfect. I can't think of any other way to describe it, and I don't want to necessarily go into detail here... LOL!!! Suffice it to say, it was like a spectacularly awesome honeymoon or something of the like. I knew it'd be heavenly to be able to spend some alone time together and then not have to rush away. He held me the entire night long and it was the most loving, intimate night of my life. I've never felt so cherished by someone for whom I felt equally as much love and affection and closeness. It was a wonderful night and I'm so glad we went away.
We got up Sunday morning, leisurely spent some more time cuddling and definitely regretting the fact that we couldn't wake up together EVERY morning, then got ready to leave. We ended up going to Cracker Barrel for breakfast and spent the entire time sitting there all gaga-eyed over each other and holding hands. I felt like a newlywed. I'm not naive enough to believe that everything will ALWAYS be perfect, but I know that Brian and I love one another enough to get through anything that might occur with us and we're both committed to this relationship being forever.
We haven't necessarily talked in specific time frames or anything but as soon as my divorce from Harry is final and we've saved the money, we're getting a place together. We want to be together all the time and we're both too daggone old to be living with our families at this point. We know we're in love, we know this is it for both of us. End of story. I've never been happier and I realize now, with Brian in my life, that I'm truly in love for the first time. What I felt with my
ex-husbands was nothing like what I feel with Brian. I truly know what it's like to so completely put someone else's needs before my own and to be able to give and to love so unequivocally without any hesitation or reservation. He's definitely the best thing that's EVER happened to me and I'm ecstatic. And I'm sure that at some point I'll be his wife. We're not going to rush anything, like right after our respective divorces, but I know it'll happen.
It's funny, in my past relationships, I've always pushed for marriage. And that's part, as strange as it may sound, of how I know that this time it's for real. Our getting married isn't the focus. To me, the important thing is being together and the future will take care of itself. I know some may disagree with that statement, but I know what I want out of my future, and it's Brian, with a doubt!!
Weight today: STILL 174lbs with 216lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!
10/26/2004
Last day to work and I'm OFF for three days in a row!!! I couldn't have asked for a better couple days at work, even though today was a bit more harried than most.
I did a DUMB thing last night though... UGH... LOL!! Just call me Grace!! I fell down the last two stairs coming from my room to the utility room and, in trying to break my fall, I wrenched my back a good one. I called my doctor's office this morning, Dr Lovins, and got a call back this afternoon that they're going to see me on Thursday morning at 8:45AM for a visit and that they'd call in some Flexeril for me. I took one at about 2PM today, some three and a half hours ago, and it's still not helped. They also said that I could use some type of sports cream and use heat on my back. So I'm sitting here with a hot pack on it, and hoping and praying it works. I'm just not getting much relief right now but I'm hanging in there. I'm just not really used to having sore muscles and I'm hobbling around like a dork. LOL!!!
Brian's back surgery has been re-scheduled for November 15th and I'll just be glad when he gets it over with. I'm so worried about him and I just want everything done and to KNOW that he's healthy. He's just having some lipoma, or fatty tumours, removed but still. I know it's not a life threatening surgery or anything and it's something he's been through before, but I'm still worried. I want him healthy. I love him so much and my goodness, if anything ever happened to him, I'd be devastated.
Speaking of devastated, he got a phone call Sunday evening from Renee. She's going to be here in Columbus in a few weeks. I guess her mom is coming up from TN to sign some bank papers or something like that and she wants to come with Ruth. I was a bit thrown when Brian told me this. I guess I've gotten USED to the fact that she's not around for us to have to deal with. It really bothers me that she's going to be here, but it's not like it sounds. I'm not truly a jealous, possessive girlfriend or anything, and I DEFINITELY trust Brian implicitly, but I know how he gets where she's concerned. Renee just completely riles him up!
10/30/2004
It's nearly Halloween. Brian's been trying to talk me into going to a haunted house, but YIKES, those things scare me to death... LOL!!! I dunno if I could do it or not. Ellie went to her first thing like that last night, but I haven't gotten to talk to her to see how she liked it.
I had some good days off these past three days. Brian & I got to spend a good deal of time together, and, as always, I enjoyed it immensely. We could just be goofin' around, not doing anything major and we still have fun. It's just so comfortable and so easy and yet I don't confuse comfort with boring. He's DEFINITELY not boring, he keeps me on my toes. And he's incredibly sexy. He's a great kisser and NOTHING's ever rushed, if you get my drift... hehehe!!!
Yesterday afternoon we drove up to Greenwood to see if there was a movie playing at Cinema 8 up there, but we'd either seen all of them, or had no desire to. We ended up going to the Greenwood Park Mall and ate in the food court. We had some DELICIOUS Chinese food at the Mandarin Express. You could buy it by the pound, which added up to big savings because I can't eat that much ANYWAY, and I think we both ate on like six bucks or a bit more. We just ended up driving back to Columbus after we were done, and it was fine with me. We went to Angie's when we got back and visited with them for a bit.
Angie's cat Sugar had babies a few weeks ago or so and they are SO sweet. Brian & I will eventually be taking Georgia, and she is DEFINITELY a little turkey. She's SO full of it and so precious. When you look at her, she looks so dainty and petite and lovable. And she is all those things, but she's also ROTTEN!! LOL!!!! Ang said the other day, she put her up in the top bunk of the little one's bunk beds, to help wake Will up, and she took a FLYING leap OFF the bed, and landed all the way to the floor. Brian was holding her yesterday and she was laying there, peaceful as can be, with her paws crossed under her chin, just sleeping away. Of course, he's like the original furnace and he's got an uncanny ability to put babies to sleep cause he's so warm, he just radiates the heat. So I guess it also works on baby kittens... LOLOL!!
I'm working twelve hours today. For the past few days, I've not had very good "eating days," as I call them. Yesterday was not great at all, and I know I should be incorporating protein shakes in when I have days like this, but I've not done a very good job at this. I've also not been as proactive in doing my exercise, or walking, or whatever. I know I need to, but I'm just not motivated... LOL!!!
I've made a decision, regarding my goal weight. While deep down inside, I don't care if I lose ANY more weight, I've changed my goal to 160lbs. That's another 14 or 15lbs depending on the day. My weight varies anywhere from 174lbs to 178 or 179lbs. When it gets up to the high end of that range, I try to watch what I eat for a few days and it generally goes back down. Just for argument's sake, I always list my weight at 174lbs, cause I know that we, as women, can vary due to water weight gain, etc and this is what I attribute the gaining and losing to. So I have this last 15lbs to go and I know I can get there. I need to reduce the carbs, add in more (WAY MORE) exercise and get serious about it.
My size 16 pants fit either well or are a bit loose. My size 14 pants are somewhat tight, but I can get them on. The night before Fort Vallonia Days, when Elle and Jess stayed with me, I actually got INTO Elle's size 13's. WOW, talk about a shockeroo for me. I was completely ecstatic. I NEVER thought I'd see that size, EVER!!! Elle only weighs about 8lbs less than I do, and I never imagined getting this low. She weighs 168lbs, and is almost getting a bit chunky. Angie is loathe to make a big deal out of that, since she's at a prime age for an eating disorder. We certainly don't want that.
Speaking of Ellie, she, apparently somehow, found out that Brian & I spent the night together on our weekend away after Teresa's reception and was not very happy about it. She also told her mom that it freaked her out how affectionate we were being with one another. Now, don't get me WRONG, we weren't exactly making out on the couch. He had his arm around me and I was sitting very close to him, but nothing inappropriate was going on. She also knows how happy and how much in love we are, and I'd hope she'd be happy for both of us. She knows that neither of us have been this happy in YEARS and, in my opinion, if we wanna discuss who she'd rather have in her dad's life, you'd think it'd make her feel better for it to be a "known quantity" so to speak.
I said that to her, and she said that no it didn't make her feel better. I don't understand that, but then again, it's been a LONG time since I've been a 12yr old girl!! We'd thought she was doing okay with everything until the spending the night issue, but she apparently didn't like that. My mom told me when I got home a few nights ago that Elle was not happy about this fact and mom made it sound like it was some traumatic thing, like she was totally freaking out or something. So here I call Brian up and push the panic buttons and all that, and he was NOT happy. You see, he & I are fairly CERTAIN that WE didn't mention spending the night together, but Elle seemed to know. Brian & I truly believe Angie let it slip, but she swears he was the one who did that.
Anyway, like I said, Mom told me that Ellie was very upset, so of course I called Brian. He & I talked about it for about fifteen minutes or so, wondering what to do. We basically came to the conclusion that we were just going to have to be VERY careful of what was discussed around anyone but one another, concerning our relationship. This is going to be kind of difficult for me, although I will do it, as I'm used to Ang being the one I can go to, even with the most personal details of my life. The only positive thing (or up side) as it were, is that I perceive Brian to be intensely personal when it comes to things like this, and I don't think he'd appreciate it if I was spreading about the facts of our intimate life together. So I guess I can live with it. It's just a complex relational issue, considering that Brian is Angie's ex-husband, and I think that no matter how
My sister made some sex joke right in front of Ellie and to tell you the truth, I think that's where she got the idea. Brian & I were pretty aggravated at her for that, as we both feel that this is the only reason Ellie put two and two together. Brian's comment to me was that he didn't feel we should talk about any of our plans around Angie, and then he said this: "I think it's just about time for me to have a discussion with Ellie. I love my daughter but she needs to understand that we are the grown-ups and she's the kid and she doesn't get to dictate the terms of our life together!"
It surprised me a bit that he said that, not because I disagree with him, but simply because he's not normally that blunt where things with Ellie are concerned. But as I said, I do agree with that, and told him so. I talked to Angie not long after, and brought up this subject with her. I told her what Mom had said, that Ellie was unhappy with the situation and had kinda freaked out about it. Angie said that I should know Mom better than that by now and that I should remember to always talk to Ang first, as Mom tends to make mountains out of molehills... LOL!!! I have to say that I do know this fact, and will keep it in mind for future reference. But just to feel Ang out, I told her what Brian had said about this little "talk" he wanted to have with Elle. Angie said that she thought this was a conversation that NEEDED to take place.
Angie recalled a similar conversation she'd had with her friend Jared once, when she and Kirby were first getting serious. She'd told him that she really was growing to care a great deal for Kirby but that she wanted to be sure that Ellie liked and "approved" of whomever she became involved with. Jared told her that so long as Ellie was never put in any PHYSICAL harm because of any relationship Ang might have, then the rest would have to come in time. He said that if she waited for Ellie's approval, she'd NEVER become seriously involved or get married again. And I think this is true. Kids always are going to be leery about anyone in their parent's lives and especially at the age my niece is (12 going on 13), as she thinks EVERYTHING is about HER and she's the melodrama queen of Columbus... LOL!!!!
I know this is going to take some time, and we're willing to give that time to her. We both love her a great deal, that's for sure. But we are so happy and while we're never going to purposely hurt her, we aren't going to give up something that makes us both so very happy. Life is TOO short to live it without those things which make us glad to be alive. Brian loves me so much and I love him too. This is it for me. There's no one else in this world who could make me feel the things he makes me feel. He's kind, loving, giving, loyal, strong and determined and I'm just crazy about him. I've searched my heart so thoroughly to make sure that I'm with him and in this relationship for the right reasons, and I KNOW I am.
When he & I first got together, we discussed any fears or issues we felt might be facing us for the future. My only fear was that at some point, what would happen if he went off his meds and went on some kind of "bender," as I KNOW he'd be a totally different person if this happened. His fear was that we were together because we NEEDED to be, and not 'cause we WANTED to be. This fear of his has driven me to completely examine my own heart and mind, to be sure that this is not the motivation on my part. Through all this soul-searching, praying, thinking and asking myself these difficult questions, I've come to realize one thing. I am indeed in love for the first time in my life, and for once, I KNOW I'm with someone who both sees and acknowledges my value and worth. He truly loves me for ME and doesn't want to change anything.
I feel so freely open with him, in every way. Intellectually, spiritually, relationally, sexually, we are so like-minded, so connected, so much as one already. We are so inter-dependent at this stage in our relationship, that we discuss everything, knowing that any decisions he or I make will affect the other. This thought, this fact, has completely turned my life around, as I've said before. It's made me look at every choice I make with more clarity, more vision, more awareness. I NEVER want to keep anything from him. It's so hard for me to even conceive of there being anything I couldn't say to him, that I can't even fathom it in any way, shape or form. As I said, he is IT for me. I could never have the depth of love or committment I have with him for ANYONE else. It just wouldn't work. My heart would not allow me this. I'd be devastated if anything happened to him, just wrecked. I don't know how I would even BEGIN to cope if I lost him now.
I know this is a fairly new relationship and there may be some reading this who do not understand the depth of feeling that I already have for Brian. But he & I surely understand it, and are living it every day. We're just happy to be in each other's presence, it doesn't matter WHAT we do. Just being together is enough to make us happy. I'm satisfied in every aspect of our relationship, heck I'm ecstatic with it, not only just satisfied. He's the most caring man I know, and I love his quirky sense of humour, his love for life, his determination to rise above the issues of his past, his eyes, his spark, the way he kisses me, just how at home I feel in his arms. I know it sounds corny and I am corny, I admit it.
He drives me to take better care of myself, to be the best person I can be. He forces me to look at every decision I make in a new light, as I said. I can't thank God enough for bringing Brian into my life.
Weight today: 174lbs for 216lbs STILL GONE FOREVER!!!!
11/3/2004
Today is my sister Angela's birthday. She is 34 years old today. It seems unreal to me that she and I are both in our middle thirties. I just turned 37 on Oct 17th, and it is DEFINITELY unreal to me that I'm only a scant 3 years away from 40. Not that this is old, mind you, but I can remember a time when I thought forty sounded older than dirt... LOL!!! Now it seems very, VERY young. I guess it's because I FEEL about ten years younger than what I really am. I dunno if it's my health being better, or having Brian in my life, or a combination of both. I think it's the latter. I have SO much more joy in my life right now and I know that with Brian, I'll always have this.
Yesterday was such a wonderful day. I was off work and after his classes, he came over. We were able to sneak some alone time and it was SO great. I tell you, my energy level is up so much that I don't think I could "keep up with" Brian if it weren't for this fact. LOLOL!!!! I know, I'm awful... actually I'm NOT awful, but I might be a bit naughty. I think he brings it out in me... Hmmmm, maybe I was a closet "bad girl" all along... LOL!!
Seriously though, I do love Brian with all my heart and we're simply allowing our feelings to dictate how we go with our relationship. Anything & everything that has occured between us has been born out of this love we have for one another. I've allowed only what seems to naturally come about to take place between him & me. I don't have regrets, any second thoughts. I'm so ecstatic and, as I've said a MILLION times before, I've never been this happy in ALL my adult life. I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, so to speak. I feel as though I've been affection-starved for so long, and Brian has just been the perfect "balm" to heal my heart and my soul and my mind and all the other things that my past two marriages did NOT afford me.
Yesterday also had it's "heavy" moments, conversationally speaking. Brian & I had Miss Ellie with us for a time, and he was talking to her about everything that happened in Tennessee with Renee & her mom. She was asking some fairly difficult questions & I KNEW that, given the fact of what a wonderful day we'd had previously, he'd be pretty down after that talk. Then the subject of Tommy came up. I know that's not something I've gotten into here, so I'll elaborate a bit, but I'll keep Brian's privacy as well.
He & Renee had a son, who was born prematurely and passed away about four or five years ago. I think she was only, roughly, about halfway through her pregnancy and Tommy was extremely tiny and his lungs weren't developed. I'm assuming that the doctors couldn't stop her labour from progressing & there just came a point where they had to let her deliver. The baby was only supposed to live a few minutes or so, but he survived for two hours and fourteen minutes, according to Brian. Brian was holding the baby when he took his last breath. He was named for Brian's dad and uncle, I'm assuming and I know this haunts him so desperately. I know he questions why Tommy was only in their lives such a short time. I don't believe he's been to the cemetary for a good while to visit his son. I don't think he can. I'd love to know where he's at, because I would go visit him. I know how much sadness this event has caused for this wonderful man who's so precious to me.
I know there'll come a time when he'll be forced to deal with this issue and I KNOW it won't be easy for him. In some ways, I wonder if he's not avoiding dealing with it, but I cannot and will not challenge him on this. It would be like rubbing salt in an open wound. I will not subject Brian, for whom my feelings run so strongly and deeply, to any more hurt than he's already gotten. His past two marriages have not afforded him much giving, or attention, or security, or trust, and I want to be the "safe haven" that he's never had. I don't EVER want to see him hurting, and while I know that this is unrealistic, I can CERTAINLY make sure that I never do anything to intentionally cause him pain. I couldn't.
The look he gets in his eyes when he talks about these two subjects, his son and the Tennessee happenings, haunt ME. All I can bring myself to do is to hold his hand, be sure he knows I'm there for him and will always love him, and help him as best I know how. I'm sure this is not always enough, but I do try and I'd like to think that my love and support will help him, if only in some small way. Why is it so hard for me to understand or see how much he values me, how much he counts on my love and support, and just how much it means to him just to have me there beside him. I definitely know these things about him, so why am I unable to see this reciprocated!?!???! Is it just the former fat girl in me, who could never believe that someone loves me unconditionally and finds my sheer presence in his life as something to rejoice in?!
I have no answers regarding this. I only know that every day that goes by, I have more faith and more hope and more trust in the future. I believe in the love Brian and I have come to share. I believe in him as an individual, as a man, as a strong leader for the family we'll be creating. I respect him so very much, and am in awe of all he's accomplished in his life. He's come so far, and he's doing such a wonderful job in putting things back to rights, as it were. He's re-building his relationship with Ellie, he's re-established those with his parents and his brother. He's so much more spiritually aware than ever before, and he's committed to this part of his life, which means the world to me.
My happiness is so important to me at this stage in my life. And while I have very little or no selfishness in this relationship with Brian, I have GOT to look at, and make a priority, my joys and those things which please me. I've been so giving to others in my past relationships and have never truly received much in return. I don't say this to mean that Harry or my first husband NEVER did anything nice for me or that there were never any good times! There were. But they just weren't consistent enough to make me trust in them or have any reason to believe they'd be lasting.
There was always something bittersweet in those niceties, as I knew they wouldn't be there for too daggone long. It's funny, when I talk to Harry on the phone these days, he always seems so forlorn, so sad, and so apologetic (although he doesn't say the words) about what's happened between us. And while I feel somewhat sorry for what he's going through, it's not as if I didn't give him EVERY oppurtunity to behave as he should've. If he didn't take advantage of those chances, why should I keep on giving them to him?!?!? That just wouldn't be smart. How many times does someone slam their head against a brick wall before they realize it gives them a headache?! Not even ONCE more is the answer to that unanswerable but obvious question!!
For example, I spoke with Harry this morning. He said he just wasn't feeling well and I asked him what was wrong. He said, "I just feel bad!" I knew right there, by the tone in his voice, that he was talking about the fact that we were getting divorced. And I DO feel badly about what he's going through. I truly do. I wouldn't be ME if I could just be so callous about this fact. But I can't do anything to change the past. I just can't. As I said, I've given him EVERY chance to make the changes that he would need to make in order for this marriage to have worked. I can't and won't do it anymore. I simply am not willing to risk further hurt and disappointment. I deserve this happiness that I'm now experiencing in this relationship with Brian and I'm not turning my back on that, not even for one second.
On an eating note (LOL since this IS my OH.com journal, after all!!) I've been a bit hungrier these days. The scale is up a few pounds but I'm sure it's water gain. I don't & can't eat enough to have made me gain the weight that the scale is showing. It is kinda strange though. I know it's time to get a bit more serious with my diet & exercise. I know some of the bad habits are creeping back in and I'm not ABOUT to go back to the old ways. I just cannot be that person anymore. I LOVE my life too much to revert to old behaviors now. I've come TOO far in these past 17months to even think of gaining any of this weight back or going back to my old way of life. I'm worth more than what paltry satisfaction I might get out of eating foods I know aren't good for me anyway!!
On a WLS-related note, my sister, Angie, is thinking about having the lap band surgery. She's apparently found out that there are surgeons up in Indy who do this procedure and that her Tricare insurance through the military will pay for it. I'm so excited for her and I hope she goes for it. She's so unhappy with her weight right now and I hope she reaches for it with everything she's got. I know she'll do a great job with this, if she only gives it a chance. I will confess that I don't know MUCH about this particular surgery as I had the Roux-En-Y, but I know she's really committed to a healthier lifestyle and I know she wants it badly.
I pray she finds the strength to make this change for herself, for Kirby and for her kids. I know she'll see a huge difference in the way she will be leading her life. I can't even fathom how I could've been the way I was now, at minus 216lbs, give or take. I'm so much more sure of myself, so much happier, so much more energetic, feel so much younger, all these things and THEN some. Although Lord only knows I TRY, I couldn't BEGIN to communicate everything that this surgery and the subsequent weight loss has given to me. It's been one of the greatest miracles in my life. I'm so thankful. I'm thankful that God brought me both to and through the surgery itself. I'm so thankful that my co-worker Sarah talked with me so openly in the very beginning about her reasons for choosing this option and so glad that I listened to her and was able to see where she was coming from.
She truly was the catalyst. Someday I should tell her just how thankful I am for the bug she put in my ear, regarding this surgery. And I think I will. I hope she can appreciate just how thankful I will always be to her.
I have an interesting, if not somewhat disturbing issue that I'm working through at the moment. Brian & I went away for that weekend of Teresa's reception and when we came back to town on Sunday, we stopped by Angie's to visit with her, the little ones, and Ellie. Our girl wasn't there when we first got there, but arrived home from church youth group about a half hour later. At some point, after Ellie got home, we were all just sitting around yakking and one of us, myself or Brian, made a silly remark about something. I guess it could've been construed as "innuendo" or something of the like, although he & I didn't take it or mean it in that way. Then my sister pops off with: "Don't talk to ME about your sex life!!" Brian's & my jaws both just dropped. Then yesterday we were at Mom's & Ang & all three of the kids stopped by. Brian made a slightly sarcastic remark to her, just joking & all in fun, and Angie said, "Don't forget. I've seen you naked!" The look on Ellie's face was stricken. You know, Elle is trying REALLY hard to process all this relational stuff between me and her dad. She's really working through this process in her mind and I feel that she's finally coming to a point where she "gets" it or is starting to. I think what Angie's doing, whether inadvertently or NOT, is counter-productive to any progress Elle might even be CLOSE to making.
I don't know how Brian & I should handle this, but I intend fully on talking to him about it tonight. It NEEDS to be addressed in some way, shape or form, that's for sure.
11/4/2004
It's another lovely day here at the hospital. I'm feeling MUCH better today, as I had more sleep last night, certainly, than I had the night before. Yesterday was technically my day off, but I got called in, as Carol was off. I guess I didn't HAVE to come in, but I knew they were in a bind, so I was willing. I guess I found out today that Carol's dad is back in ICU, so she may or may not even be here this weekend. I've told Kris, our shift coordinator, that I'll be happy to work this weekend any or all if they need me to. I don't really want to necessarily as Brian & I had plans to go away for the weekend, but I will NOT turn it down, considering how badly I need the money right now. Can't look a gift horse in the mouth, so to speak. LOL!!
I actually just talked to Carol on the phone & she's hopeful as to her dad's condition, so I may not have to come into work after all.
I ran out at lunch to cash my check. It's SO cold here this afternoon... I think it's 10 degrees or so colder out there now than it was when I came into work at 7AM. I stopped by WalMart because I always buy my money orders there. It's the cheapest place to get them, plus I get my discount, even on the money order fee. I got them to pay my bills this week. I'm paying on the hospital bill and to three of the docs from my recent illnesses and/or hospitalizations. I'm so close to getting these things paid off and I wish it were just out of the way & taken care of. But they soon will be. I just need to keep plugging away at it, and I'll get them done.
I haven't been able to get ahold of Brian this afternoon. He's either not back from class yet, or he's sleeping... LOL!!! When I talked to him this morning, he said he hadn't gotten to sleep until around 4AM, so he didn't get much rest at all. I know he's used to this, but it worries me. I wish he'd be able to sleep better. I feel badly for him. I just wish there were something I could do.
I'm feeling fairly tired this afternoon. I know I SHOULDN'T be, as I got plenty of sleep last night. I think maybe I got TOO MUCH sleep, or something like that. I'm just feeling like I'm dragging. I know I shouldn't complain, it's not like it was the second night in a row that I didn't get much sleep.
I was kind of hoping to get a VA this afternoon. I knew it was a slim chance, but a girl can hope... LOL!! The House Supervisor, though, said that she only had two secretaries on for this evening and they're both assigned somewhere else. She didn't have any extras to send up here, so I'm stuck... but it'll be alright. At least I have good people to work with today. It's been a bit hectic so far, but I'm hoping it'll slow down. Although the supervisor just called our Shift Coordinator and gave her two admits at one time. I don't think we're getting both though, I think one is going to T6A.
I talked to Harry a bit ago and he's going to be coming by to pick up his money in a little while. He sounds very down & I know he's just sitting back, feeling sorry for himself. He doesn't have to say it, I just know it. He sounded all low & down in the mouth and when I asked him what was wrong, he just kept saying he was okay. I know I shouldn't let this get to me. In many ways I try not to, but I can't help it, you know. It's just this: I know he's hurting, and while I wish I could do something about it, he's had his chance. In fact, as I know I've said before, I gave him six years worth of chances. This is not going to work out. There's just no way. Never mind the fact that I'm in love with someone else, I could never trust that Harry had changed enough to make it even feasible.
I never wanted my marriage to end, truthfully. I know that I've been aware for quite some time that things were NOT going to work and prob'ly never would. But hope dies hard, you know. And to be getting divorced for the second time hits a person hard. It made me feel like a two-time loser. But I'm beginning to realize that I cannot let myself continue feeling that way and I cannot pay for his character flaws. He's going to continue to try to make me feel guilty. I should have (and truthfully did) anticipated this and planned for it. But I guess one cannot truly plan for how to NOT be or feel guilty. I think I'm just spending too much time worrying about it, and I need to get on with things.
Brian & I have plans to go to Arni's tonight after I get out of work. I just talked to him on the phone & he suggested that. I brought up going back out to the Riviera, but when he mentioned Arni's, I thought it was a great idea. Truth be told, I just enjoy spending the time with him. It doesn't have to be a big hoopla for me to have a good time. The one thing that concerns me is that when I said something about the weekend (as Carol had just stopped by right before I talked to him to say that her dad is improving & she doesn't anticipate that I'll need to work for her any over the weekend) he said we'd talk about it when I picked him up. I know what his concern is. He feels badly that I'm going to be picking up the tab. I hope he realizes how much I LOVE spending the time together alone with him. We don't get much alone time and I relish it when we do.
It doesn't bother me in the least to pay for some things right now. I know it won't be this way forever and I've told him that I feel that what's mine is his. I know when he's up and on his feet again, he'll be working and I'll never pay for anything again when it comes to us spending time together. His pride just lets him have it. He's SO not used to being taken care of, in ANY way, shape or form. I tell him over and over again that if I even remotely thought he was taking advantage of me, I wouldn't be with him. I've been there, done that, and don't NEED the t-shirt... LOL!!!
But he is who he is, and I love him. So if he doesn't want to go away this weekend, I'll be disappointed, admittedly, but I'll respect his wishes. I don't want him ever to think that I don't respect him or who he is to me. I do... that's the difference in this relationship versus the one I shared with Harry. There's no need to worry about "losing myself" or my identity with Brian. He's far too secure in who he is and what he's about to ever force his opinions on me. And, I think, because of that fact, because he so totally loves and respects ME for who I am, I can be so open, so trusting, so respectful of him.
I want to journal here about a talk Brian & I had a few nights ago. It really made me see just how committed he is to this relationship. Not that I didn't see it before. You'll understand when you read further... LOL!!! Let me preface this by saying or should I say RE-stating something I said a little while back about Brian, myself & the thought or idea of being married. I don't ever want to push him for a marriage between us. It's not that I don't LOVE the idea of being married to him, I do. It's what I want, a future with him, and to be his wife.... but when HE IS READY!!! I love him far TOO much to put any pressure on him. We're both a bit gun-shy where marriage is concerned, admittedly. But this conversation gave me so much peace about where we're going as a couple.
We were talking about insurance issues. He has Medicaid right now, due to the bi-polar disease and since he has his back surgery scheduled, needs to get himself established with a family doctor, wants to go to the dentist, and prob'ly other things as well, if he started working right now & lost his Medicaid, he'd be without insurance until it could kick in wherever he went to work. And since some employers make you go through a waiting period for your insurance to start, he just can't risk it right now. He's on some cost-prohibitive medications and it just would not be the wisest idea.
So I reminded him, with a bit of fear, embarassment & trepidation, that I have EXCELLENT insurance here at the hospital and that once our respective divorces were final, there was always the option of marriage for that reason. Now mind you, we ALREADY know we plan to be together forever, so this didn't seem like a bad idea to me. LOL not that he thought it was a bad idea either, but he had something to say on it. He knows that even though I've been married twice, I've NEVER been proposed to. I brought this up in a conversation months ago, like right when we first got together. Anyway, he said to me that there would come a day, when we KNEW everything was right, the timing was perfect, all that, that he would get down on one knee and I'd finally get to hear that proposal that I've waited a lifetime for, that he'd slip that diamond on my finger and we'd never forget the experience. He said he wouldn't dare cheapen the moment by doing it solely for insurance. He said it would be a memory I could treasure forever, remember even when I was an old lady and our wedding would be a beautiful, sentimental, perfect moment in time for us to look back on until the day we died.
I was stunned. I mean, I knew he wanted to be with me. I guess I even knew he wants to be with me forever. It's certainly what I want. But I guess that to hear him say it, actually SPEAK the words, was so absolutely precious to me. I simply sat there in the van, soaking in the emotion and the feeling of the moment. It was so very quiet for a time, as if we were both just taking it all in, just basking in this moment of realization as to where we are headed. It was a heady experience. It fully hit home that he really does love me that much. I guess there was a part of me that didn't DARE to hope I'd ever be his wife, and now that I know it's going to happen, I'm overwhelmed, in a good way of course... LOL!!!
11/5/2004
Last night was an interesting conversation over dinner with Brian... LOL!!! We spent the better part of the evening discussing life insurance, who would be my beneficiary since I need to change Harry from being the one named. Not EXACTLY pleasant dinner conversation, but it HAD to be discussed, and I was glad we did. I think we need to know what is going on, if anything happens.
I did go over to Human Resources just a bit ago to pick up a change of beneficiary form. I've filled it all out, and just have to go over there & return it. Then whenever I do my change of the entire life insurance during this open enrollment thing we're doing, I can take Harry off the supplemental life completely and up my insurance amount and my accidental death & dismemberment dollar values. It costs so relatively little to cover myself with the extra dollars, that I'd be silly NOT to do it. I just can't see leaving those that I love in the lurch if something were to happen to me. PERIOD!! I don't want to do that.
I just had another interesting conversation with Angie a few minutes ago. I had to ask her a question so I ran into the Education Office and gave her a ring. After she answered my question, she & I were talking about how you never know what's going to happen. Like I said to Brian last night, people in their thirties die ALL the time. She was saying that this is why she & Kirby scrambled so quickly to figure out to whom they'd want the kids to go if anything happened to them.
I'm sure I journalled about this when she & I first talked about this, but I'll reiterate just in case. She & Kirby had decided that they'd want my cousin Toby and his wife Kelly to have the kids if something happened to them. At the time, and this was over a year ago, they picked them over me because of Harry. Angie said that they just couldn't get their minds around letting him have anything MAJOR to do with the kids and their growing up and being any sort of a parental influence. And I saw where she was coming from, given the fact of how he is. I won't say my feelings weren't hurt, but I understood completely.
So she told me today that I was "back in the running!" She knows, I think, how much it would hurt Brian's feelings to NOT have Ellie with him if he was her only living parent. So, depending on where Brian & I are in our living arrangements, etc, we may end up raising the three kids. I would do it in a heartbeat & I know Brian would be okay with it as well. It's worth it to know that the kids would stay together. I can understand my sister's desire to NOT split the kids up, that's for sure. I know how hard it would be, especially on the little ones, to lose not only their parents but their big sister as well.
It's now later on in the afternoon, right after change of shift time. It's been a bear of a day, lots of admissions, lots of cranky nurses and just generally a bad feeling about the day in itself. I'll CERTAINLY be glad when it's over, and I will definitely also be glad when a certain SOMEONE leaves. She's been on my last nerve today and she's yelled at me more than a few times. I'm so sick and tired of being the scapegoat for her bad moods. I know it's mainly a "shooting the messenger" type thing, but it's getting old REALLY quickly!!
Brian did not have a good night or morning... I guess he didn't get to sleep until nearly 6AM today. Renee called him last night and it was NOT a pleasant conversation from what I gathered. So I think this could be attributed to why he didn't sleep well. THEN, she turned around this morning, and called him AGAIN. So when he was on the phone with her then, he told her that he was dating someone (or actually maybe he told her that last night... at any rate, I digress... LOL!!!) and she was NOT happy about that. In fact, she was pretty honked off. She called him AGAIN just before lunchtime, once again apologizing for her getting angry with him and having her usual hissy fits. She told him that she just couldn't BELIEVE that he was giving up on her, that he was the LAST person she'd have expected that out of. It's just a guilt trip, same scenario that Harry's trying to play on me.
I told him to not fall for it, you know, not to sink to her level and not allow himself to pay for her character flaws. It's exactly the same advice Brian gave me for Harry and our situation, but it applied. LOL I fed him the same thing back and we got a good laugh out of it.
When we we were out last night, Brian & I talked for a good while about the future. It's so comforting for me to know that he feels as strongly about our life together as I do. He's been forced so many times in the past to NOT be able to trust in the relationship at hand, as have I, that I truly don't think we can get our minds "wrapped around" how THERE we both are for one another. It's so amazing, so unbelievable and gives us such a sense of peace all at the same time. I know I feel incredibly lucky and now, to know that Brian is on the exact same wavelength, makes me feel even luckier.
I know he loves me, I guess it's just all those former insecurities that creep back in. I need to learn how to silence them for once and for all. These thoughts and feelings just seem to crop up at will, and I know Brian has them too. I just don't know how we can deal with them, but I know that together, we'll find the way. I may be looking at life through rose-colored glasses at this point, but as I've said so many times here, I just don't think there's anything he & I can't get through together.
We are going to go away together this weekend. Brian & I both talked about it, and even though he feels strangely, just as I said above, about my picking up the tab for the stay, I just want to be able to spend some time alone with him, that's all. It's worth it, and I'd already planned the money for it into the budget. I got my money orders for the bills already, have some spending money set aside for the rest of the pay period, have gas in my van, so it's all good.
I'm so looking forward to it, and I know he is too. We hardly ever get time alone, and if we do, there's always that thought of someone "coming home" or our being interrupted. It's not very conducive to romance, that's for sure... LOL!!! We just really enjoy our private time, we really get to connect in ways that we do not otherwise.
The evening and night we spent together after Teresa's wedding reception was so magicallly wonderful. It was everything I'd hoped it would be and then some. And I'm so anxious for us to have this kind of time again. We love each other so very much and it just spills over into all parts of our relationship. We have such a connection. It's nothing like I've ever experienced before in my life. I know now that I'm truly in love for the first time.
I've just called the hotel and they've definitely got open rooms for two adults for tomorrow night. We can check in by noon and that's honestly what I'd like to shoot for. I'd like for us to maximize our time together if at all possible since it's so rare, few & far between. The last time we got some "alone" time was the other night when my mom had to go back to work in the evening, and even so, Glady was at the house, and at one point, even came to the bottom of the stairs & hollered up to ask me if I had taken Brian home yet... SHEESH!!! Talk about bein' busted like two teenagers neckin' on the couch!! :-)
My back is bothering me again from where I fell down the stairs a couple weeks back. Dr Onishi, one of Dr Lovins's partners, was kind enough to call me in some Flexeril, but I have to say, it's not really helping. Oh, it works for about the first couple hours after I take it, but after that, NADA!!! I'm hurting again, just like that, and I need to have it looked at. I called her office back today to let them know that the Flexeril was just not cutting it, despite the increase in the dosage. Dr Onishi herself called me back in the afternoon to tell me that she'd rather have me be seen at PromptMed, so that's where I'm going after work. Brian wants me to come by to get him so that he can go with me, and I'm going to do that.
It just tickles me the way he wants to be involved in every aspect of my life. It further reinforces the knowledge that he is certainly interested in not only being with me, but in sharing a life, and building a future together. He's always so in the moment with me, never being selfish, no matter what he's got going on at the time, he's always loving, supportive and there for me. I'm one lucky and blessed lady!!
Most of the water weight gain I'd experienced in the past week or so has dropped off, so I'm really happy about that. I have noticed that my appetite has increased a bit, and that it's taking a little more to fill me up. But I know this is to be expected. Now is just the time for me to reign it in, to increase the exercise, and get on the protein train BIGTIME!!! I won't get to my new goal of 160lbs without these key components, and I know this. I want to get there. I want to be happy & healthy, both for myself and for Brian, for our future, for Ellie, for my whole family who have watched me make this transition and are so proud of me. I don't want to let them down, but more to the point, I don't want to let ME down either. I've worked too hard.
11/10/2004
Another day, another dollar I suppose! I'm working today even though I'm in a foul temper and prob'ly being a real pain in the arse!! I was hoping to get a VA this afternoon, but it doesn't look like it's in the cards. I have a sneaking suspicion that a certain someone told the House Supervisor to NOT give me one. I mean, come on, this morning she says she has two secretaries on for this evening and that in the SC meeting downstairs, no one expressed a need. So what gives?! Ahhhh, well, I'm trying to keep it all in perspective but it's not easy.
The night before last I could NOT sleep to save my life. I got into bed and tossed & turned a bit, and then only got around an hour and a half or so of sleep. When I woke up, I was up for the rest of the night. UGH!! I do NOT do well being sleep-deprived, AT ALL!!!
So yesterday, I was running on PURE adrenalin. No doubt about it. And for some reason, I've been really pukey here lately. Dunno what to attribute that to, but it's yucky. I finally gave up & called Dr Lovins's office to ask for some Phenergan. Angie, her office nurse, called me back about an hour or so later & told me that she'd call it in. So I asked my sister a favor, to see if she could go pick it up for me. She said she would, and this was around 11AM or something like that. Welp, needless to say I was mighty aggravated when it was nearly 3PM and she STILL wasn't there. Sheesh!! I love Ang dearly but she isn't very trustworthy, when it comes to doing stuff like that. She told me, when she FINALLY brought it, that she had to confess she'd forgotten for all intents & purposes.
I took two of the Phenergan tablets and thought I might lay down for a nap, but couldn't sleep AGAIN!!! So in the early evening I took a couple more and let me tell you what, I had the shakes something AWFUL!! I felt like I was jumping out of my skin. That's the only way I can describe it. I called here to the hospital to the inpatient pharmacy to ask a pharmacist if this were a common side effect. She said it could be, but most of the time, as long as it's not severe, it's better to take it & deal with the jittery feelings than to be heaving your guts up.
Today has been a VERY busy day, bigtime. This morning, we were so swamped that I didn't think I was gonna be able to have time to breathe, let alone get anything done. My chart rack sat FULL nearly the entire morning!! I do have a method to my madness though. Anything with tests or labs to be ordered for TOMORROW, I don't necessarily do right away. I figure I've always got what's left of my twelve hour shift to put those orders in. I always make sure that the carbon copies of any new orders with meds on them are faxed to the pharmacy, and then put in the nurse's trays so they'll know what's been ordered. Also I put any STAT or ASAP orders that need to be done right away. It works for me, doing it this way, but the only glitch is that IF someone were to see me sitting here, temporarily not doing anything, unless they ask me why I'm just sitting here, it's just going to be assumed that I'm not doing my job... UGH!!! No biggie I guess. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before.
It's nearly time for the second shifters to come in, so I've been busy wrapping up the first shift stuff and getting ready for the next.
Harry called me on the phone earlier and when I asked him what he needed, he said: "Simon (our kitty cat) & I just wanted to say we love you and miss you!" I'm not too sure what I'm supposed to do with that. You know?! I mean, it's NOT like I didn't give Harry AMPLE opportunity to behave toward me as he should've. I gave him six years worth of second chances and all he did was break my heart and make me wonder why I put up with his world of crap for THAT long!!!! It's a guilt-trip, pure and simple. No doubt about it. And I'm NOT falling for it.
I'm in love with Brian. He's the man I'll spend the rest of my life with, I'm sure of it. I think he knows me so well, loves me, accepts and relishes in who I am, simply just wants to spend the rest of his life taking care of me. And I have to admit, I'm eating it up. I've never been treated as well and I love him so very much. I'm not giving this up for anything in the world. He is my family, and home is wherever he is! Period!! I don't want or need anything else in my life if I have him!
He had a phone call last night from Renee, and as usual, she attempted to guilt trip him. I know those calls really disrupt him and his day and I always feel so badly to know he has to deal with that. I'll be so incredibly thankful when the two of us can simply lay all of it to rest and leave it there. I know that Brian anxiously awaits that day as well. I think we're just BOTH so ready to get on with our life together. We had a pretty serious talk a couple nights ago about the future, about Miss Ellie, about us, about what kind of home we'd like to have. All that!
It was quite an interesting conversation, very enlightening. When we were talking about Elle, I could really FEEL his love for her. Oh, don't get me wrong, I always KNEW that he loved his daughter. But just the way he was talking about her, just the wishes and hopes he has for her future, it was so obvious to me the depth of his feelings for her. It touched me. I am SO glad that I'm going to get to be a more integral part of her life now. Brian brought up, in a round-about way, the subject of marriage again the other night when we went for coffee at the Riviera. He was extremely nervous speaking about it, even IN the roundabout way!! He told me that he didn't want to scare me off or push too hard.
He could NEVER scare me off or push me too hard. I would think by now, he'd know that. But we're both still very vulnerable. And we're both still afraid that we'll get hurt again. No matter how sure we are of our feelings, it's hard to step out in faith & just believe. Brian has had a long history of women abandoning him. And I KNOW this has coloured his thoughts and attitudes towards marriage and relationships for the future. I know that all I can do is prove to him, every day, that I'm not going anywhere. I'm not abandoning him. I wouldn't walk away unless he wanted me to do so. And he knows this, but he, like me, is just insecure and vulnerable, as am I. We realize that we're both going to feel this way for awhile. It'll just take some time and I know we can handle anything that comes our way!!
11/13/2004
Today is my beautiful niece Ellie's 13th birthday. It seems like JUST the other day that I found out my sister was having her first baby and now, thirteen years have gone by. Ellie is and will always be my girl... I think because my ex-husband and I had her SO often when she was little, I just developed a stronger bond with her than I prob'ly ever will with the little ones. Don't get me wrong, I love all three of them, most definitely. It's just that Ellie will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart. It tickles me to death that I'm going to get to be an even bigger part in her life, due to my relationship with Brian.
I have SO many precious, special memories of times with her. Silly little things she'd say or goofy little faces she'd make. She is growing up to be such a great young woman and I'm so proud of her. Not that she can't be as rotten as the day is long, but she is, all in all, a good girl. And again, to know that I'm going to have so much greater an impact on her life is so exciting to me.
Let's face it, having Elle in my life is the CLOSEST I'm ever gonna come to having my own child. Heck, she might as well BE mine. And I know Brian adores seeing the interaction between the two of us. You can see it on his face. He just lights up and it's the sweetest thing you could imagine. He loves her so much and me... He calls us his "girls." And I'm just basking in all the love.
Brian has been a true miracle in my life. I'm 37 years old and I can unequivocally say that I'm in love for the very first time. And it's so great that I happen to be in love with someone who returns my affection, deserves my devotion, and would never harm the trust and loyalty between us. I guess, all in all, I'm trying to say that I think God has a sense of humour... LOL!! Otherwise, HOW would I, some fifteen years later, be in love with that "billy bad-ass" persona, busting beer bottles with a monkey wrench at a New Year's Eve party!?!??! If someone would've told me that way back then, I'd prob'ly have been convinced that they were high on crack. But, it's true. I am in love with him. And he's in love with me.
Nothing is taboo with us. No conversation is too difficult to broach, no intimacy is too personal, no feelings left unchecked. We are, completely, in the moment with one another, even if we're not together. Just today, I was about a minute away from calling him and the phone rang... and it WAS him!! It was the strangest thing, but this kind of stuff happens all the time. Another example... the other day I was writing down a phone number for Brian... it had the number seven in it. Well, since I was a French major in college (and this is a very European thing to do) I cross my sevens almost like you'd cross the lower case letter "T." He said, "NO, don't tell me you make your sevens like that too?!!!???!" It was so comical. We just sit back and are amazed at times by the similarities and the connection we feel for one another. It's the most astounding, amazing, wonderfully perfect thing I've ever felt for another human being.
I realize now that he is my family. Home is wherever he is. And he holds my heart in his hands, as I hold his. We would never sever that bond or break the trust that holds us together. We have a friendship that is deeply-rooted, from years of knowing one another, from helping support each other during what are obviously the bleakest of times for the both of us, and for loving one another for the rest of our lives. I can't imagine another man out there who would be as dear, as precious, as caring, loving & giving as he is.
The thing I guess I find the strangest is that he compliments me constantly. It's always "Hi Sexy" or "Hey there Gorgeous" or something of the sort. And I know they're not just words. He makes me feel loved and desired and needed and wanted. And for the first time, I'm in a relationship that I WANT to be in, not one that I NEED to be in!!
I know I've gone on and on here in my journal about Brian & how wonderful he is. I just wish every woman out there who's in a desperately unhappy relationship could just be a fly on the wall of my life as it stands now. Nearly 17 months later, I'm so healthy, so happy, so in control of my OWN life. And I have the love of a man who treats me as a queen, loves me unconditionally and is ALWAYS there for me!! I don't know how to act. Seriously... It's the most astounding thing to me to feel this way after ALL these years. I'm so very blessed and so aware of all the blessings I have in my life!
Weight today is 170lbs for 220lbs GONE FOREVER!!!!!
11/14/2004
My day is nearly over, and tomorrow is Brian's surgery for the lipoma (or fatty tumours) he has on his back. I'm nervous for him, wishing it were just already over and I'm praying that he'll do well with everything. I'm trusting God to watch out for him and I know He will.
Yesterday, when Brian & I were talking on the phone, I got scared for a minute, and thought he was angry with me. I had to hurry off the phone, 'cause we had something going on here on the floor, and so I quickly hung up the phone. Like I said, then I got paranoid that he was mad at me. I guess I should've known better, but you know me...
So at lunchtime, when I was out running my WalMart errand, I decided to stop by his house on the way, to be sure everything was okay. Well of COURSE I should've realized but I was glad to hear that he wasn't angry or anything. He said, "I'm NOT Harry," but he said it in a kindly manner, not in an irritated one, and this is something that I guess I'm just going to have to get used to. I can't put Brian in a box and make him pay for every bad thing I've had happen to me in past relationships, it's not fair to him! Yet I know we're all so jaded by past relational issues and past hurts and I know we all bring the ghosts of the past with us into the present.
I'm so glad I'm getting off work in an hour. I'm really starting to feel ill, my stomach is clenched up and hurting. It almost feels like it did when I had my ileus. It's getting worse, the longer I sit here. I so cannot afford to be sick right now, hours wise or due to the fact of Brian's surgery tomorrow. My stomach is just hurting and hurting. I've just paged the doctor on call, Dr Onishi, and hopefully she'll tell me what to do... I'm just in quite a good bit of pain. Like I said, it feels like it did when I had developed that ileus. I'm a bit worried about it, that's for sure.
11/17/2004
Brian's back surgery is done and went well. It was just this past Monday, and Dr Lee removed two large lipoma or fatty tumours, one the size of a lemon and the other the size of a softball. He tolerated the procedure well although he was conscious throughout most of it. He says he can clearly recall feeling (although not ACTUALLY feeling) the surgeon "digging" around and all that. Sheesh... I can't imagine. They released him to go home not long after Dr Lee came out to tell me how it had gone. I was more than a bit surprised at how quickly it all happened. But he seems to be doing well. The pain medicine isn't really holding him long and he's needing to take more than he's been prescribed. I don't know how receptive the surgeon is going to be about calling in more medicine for him, but he's going to definitely need it.
I spent the night over there Monday evening to be there to give Brian a hand if he needed something. Rosetta didn't feel that she'd be able to help him if he needed pulled or tugged on, with her arthritis and all that, so I was happy to do that. He felt alright, I mean, he was in pain, but I don't think it was too terribly bad.
11/18/2004
Another day, another dollar!!! It's payday and while my check was better than it normally is, it was still less than I was expecting, given the fact that I'd picked up an entire 12hour overtime shift. Ahhh well... such is life, I reckon!!
I have to admit a shopping addiction, BIGTIME!!! I am having this "pink" thing going on in a big way. Last night I bought a pink purse and new pink & white tennis shoes. Then today, I bought a pink shirt, another pink handbag, this one in a mock-croc pattern, a matching billfold and two more pair of pink shoes. UGH, I'm a sad case, huh?! It's just that shopping is SO much fun these days, much more enjoyable than what it was when I couldn't buy clothes in the regular stores. I'm just so happy to be able to walk into WalMart or Old Navy or Target or the like and buy things off the rack. It's the best feeling to be of a more normal size and not be embarassed to be buying the biggest size in the entire store.
And the purse & shoe thing here lately. It's interesting. Pink is like THE color this fall and I LOVE pink anyway. So I've been having a heyday with all the pink accessories and all that. It's been alot of fun seeing all the cool things in that color around.
I had my new badge picture taken for my work ID card today. I so did NOT look like the old pic that it was funny sometimes to see people's reactions. When I called downstairs to the AV department, the kid that works down there looked at my old badge, and said, "Wow, that's quite an improvement!" I didn't know whether to thank him or be honked off!! It's like one of those things that sounds like a compliment but it's really not. Ah well, he's a young kid and I'm sure, to him, that being fat is the worst thing he could imagine. I tried to look at it philosophically, but it kinda makes me a bit mad.
I just had an interesting email from a fellow AMOS'er, regarding a post that I'd responded to. A woman posted to the Q&A board about following her "signs" concerning when to schedule her WLS. I assumed that she was speaking astrologically and wanted to have her surgery when the "stars were alligned" so to speak, for optimum success. I guess someone answered her post with a response that God was the only way and basicallly that she was wrong in her belief that her signs and stars could sufficiently protect her and give her success with her WLS. Another member posted a thread that stated her belief that this other person's remarks were hurtful to the poster of the question, etc. I responded to that thread in saying that while I believed that my faith in God is what got me through my surgery, we should, perhaps, be a bit more tolerant regarding others opinions about this sort of thing.
So this chick named Laurie send me an email saying that as a Christian, I should KNOW that Jesus is the only way and our only protection. My response was that for me, this is true, but I have no right to advise anyone on what's best for their lives and that perhaps we, as AMOS'ers, should remember to be tolerant.
11/19/2004
My last day to work of three in a row. I'm beat. I shouldn't be, since I've had VA's the last two afternoons, so I dunno why I feel so worn down. And this weekend isn't going to be much better, I'm afraid. We have plans all three of my days off, so it's going to be a busy one. Saturday we're helping Brian's Uncle Tom move to his new house. Sunday, Brian & I are taking Ellie up to Greenwood to celebrate her birthday. And Monday, Brian & I will be heading back up to Franklin for a visit with my bariatric surgeon.
UGH, I will not be ready to come back to work on Tuesday, will I?! I think I can prob'ly handle it, but I like to whine!! :-)
I just talked to Mom a little bit ago, and my cousin Shirley passed away. I feel so sorry for Sandy, her daughter, with whom I work and I'm fairly close. She's been there for me so many times in the past few months and I'm so sorry to see her have to go through this. I know it's going to be hard on her to lose her mother. I can't even imagine what that must be like. I'm so not ready for my own mother to be gone, I still feel like I need her too badly.
Brian is feeling a bit better today although he didn't sleep well at all last night... I feel so badly for him when he has nights like that. I KNOW how I get when I don't get my sleep, although he doesn't appear to be as affected by it as what I am...
I got a pleasant surprise when I stopped by Family Video yesterday after work. I knew that they sold VHS tapes of older movies for $2.95 but what I didn't realize was that even if the tape isn't clearly marked for sale, they'll sell them anyway unless they're marked as "stock" items that the store is required to keep on hand. So I've been able to get several older movies that are particular favorites of mine, and I think I'm going to go back over there today on lunch as I'm fairly certain there are more that I'd have chosen had I known that from the start. I walked through each of the 2 for $1 section and mainly just looked at the ones clearly marked as for sale, but didn't pay too close of attention to the others. Knowing that those others could be for sale as well changes the story a bit!!! I'm a movie buff, I love them. And some of the older ones that are harder to find are available there at Family Video. I'm in hog heaven!!! I gave them a call over there to be sure that the girl who rang me out yesterday was correct, and she was, so I'm going to head back over there here in a bit.
A bit later... Well I did go over to the Family Video during my lunch and was able to pick up five more movies that I liked... Unfortunately some of the old ones that I found were marked as not to be sold, so I couldn't get them, but I did get "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood," and like four others that I can't remember names of right now... Oh, one of them is a ballet movie... Sheesh, me and my dance movies!! One thing was though that the gal working there was trying to charge me more than $2.95 for a few of them. I told her that I'd been told they were that price and she didn't question it, so she ended up selling them to me at that price. She wanted to charge me $7.95 and I thought, SHEESH, for that price I could have bought new ones... Yikes!!!
I think Brian & I are going over to Fair Oaks Mall after work this evening to try to catch the fireworks. They always have a holiday show the Friday before Thanksgiving and Brian & I LOVE fireworks. We're definitely contemplating going to Thunder Over Louisville this next year. It's the kick-off to the Kentucky Derby and it's a big deal. They shoot them off from barges and from the bridge going from Indiana over to Kentucky. It's s'posed to be a pretty cool thing although I've never been before. I think it'll be a blast if we can get to go!!
I got my address & stuff changed over there at the video store and as an added bonus, it counts just like a new account so I'll get 50% off all rentals for the first fifteen days, just as if I'd opened a new account, so that's cool. That was good.
I tell you, eating has been interesting today. All of a sudden, over the past several days, I've been really hungry. I know that now is the time to reign it in, so to speak and NOT let the old habits get me. It's not easy. I feel like I could snack all day and it'd be okay, but the things I'm snacking on are NOT good protein choices. Umm, let's see... Pop-Tarts, chips, Necco wafers, UGH not good at all Ms Amy!! I NEED to keep it in check and BIGTIME!!!
I need to start thinking like a "skinny" person, as it were. You know how skinny people, when they see the scale has moved more than three or four pounds, they watch what they eat closely until it gets back down where it should be. This is what I need to do. I know I can beat this thing, I did NOT come all this way to sabotage myself now. I'm not gonna let this get the best of me. I won't do it. I can't. I'm not going to go back to that life. I hated that person, I'll admit it. I didn't like myself in the least when I weighed what I did before. It's awful to say, and not the least bit politically correct, but it's the truth. I felt horrible about myself. Just horrible. And if I had to go back to that, I dunno what I'd do.
Brian & I had a conversation about this very thing the other day. Not about my gaining any weight back but about whether he would've been interested in me before the weight loss. And while he said that knowing who I am and the kind of person I am, he would still be interested, but I can't help but wonder. He's very accepting of who I am, saggy skin and all, so I guess if I go by that, it's not such a far stretch to see that he would accept me if I were still that fat. But it's the insecure part of me that keeps saying, "If you DID weigh that, he'd turn tail & run!" And I KNOW that's not fair to him, he's not like that. I know he loves me for more than my appearance. But when he says things like "Hi Sexy" or "Hey Gorgeous" or "You're so damned cute!," it almost makes me feel pressured to look a certain way or something. It's not as bad as what it sounds, I mean, I know his heart and I know how he feels about me, so I don't wanna sound as if I have no faith in him that he's telling me the truth. I know how much he cares, and I know he's there for me, unequivocally, and will continue to be.
But it scares me, I admit it. It's the former fat girl in me, just being paranoid that, once again, someone I love will leave me because I'm not "enough." This is an issue that I have and prob'ly will always have. I try to work through things in my mind, and I think that most of the time I do a good job with it. I'm certainly trying to overcome those self-defeating thoughts and that negative self talk, but it's not easy. Most days it doesn't get to me, but here in the past few, I'll admit, it's weighing on my mind. I'm seriously thinking about going back to our hospital's EAP counselor just to work through some of these issues. I think it could be helpful to me, just to have a sounding board. It can't hurt and it's free, so why not go for it!?
It's been a good, but busy, day here at work. Lots of patients being dismissed means lots of typing for me to do to get their dismissal instructions ready, but it makes for the day to go by alot faster. And I'll be staying the whole twelve hours today, since it's Friday and, as it stands, I couldn't afford to take another VA even if help was available. So I still have five hours left to go. I can make it, I know I can!!
I think Brian & I need to have a talk. I think the both of us, here lately, have been feeling a bit insecure in our relationship. I don't think it's because of anything either of us are doing or not doing, but I just think we're maybe at that comfortable point where we're concerned that we might be beginning to take one another for granted. And we don't want to EVER lose sight of how we feel for one another or let anything minor or silly get in between us. I get scared sometimes, I'll admit it, that I'll let him down. It's the same old rhetoric and I need to stop letting it bother me. It's not doing me any good at all, that's for sure.
I love him so very much and he makes me so very happy. I know this is a love that I can very much count on to last. I have alot of faith in him and in us and in how we feel for one another. So I guess I need to just buck up and quit freaking out!!! Everything's going to be alright for us, I know this. We'll be together, we'll have a nice little place to live and we'll be just fine. I just need to quit wigging out, and get on with things.
It's going to be a busy weekend, and I'm sure I won't get much rest. I'm going to miss not having a night away with Brian all to myself. We've gotten kinda used to that the last month or so, and since we so rarely get that kind of time to ourselves we tend to relish in it and enjoy the heck out of it when it does happen. But with helping his Uncle Tom move on Saturday and spending Sunday with Miss Ellie, it's just not gonna happen. Sniff, sniff... LOL!!! I think it'll be okay... I just wish the future were here and we were together all the time as we'd like to be. Heck if I'm wishin', I wish we'd win the lottery so we wouldn't have to work and we could just be together 24/7 forever... I don't want much, do I?!
Later this same day: My working day is nearly over, with just a bit more than an hour to go until time to be off work. Brian & I are still contemplating going to the fireworks, which start at 7PM, and I think that personally it'll be too late to go, but if he wants to, I'll see what we can do. Note - Brian said to forget the fireworks, which is what I figured would happen. I knew I'd get off work too late to get us over there at a decent hour where we could see most of them. I think we'll prob'ly go back over to my house to watch a movie or something. LOL Brian said, "we can go to your place and I can rip your clothes off and 'take care' of you..." goofy man!! But he's oh so good at it!!!
You know, sometimes I feel a bit guilty about how good this relationship makes me feel... but most of the time, it's just so wonderful to be treated so well. He pays attention to even the smallest of things where I'm concerned. I've never been with anyone who was so sexually open and giving, even to the point of not caring about his own pleasure for the sake of mine. That's a rare find, if you ask me. It's like, he so doesn't care if he's taken care of, as long as I am... I've never experienced anything like this, making love with him. It's sexy and sweet and passionate and loving and all that, rolled up into one. It's like nothing is taboo, nothing is too personal... nothing is uncomfortable or even remotely forbidden. Not like I'm saying I'm suddenly a freak, but I just thoroughly enjoy myself and my sensuality with him. I think I'm reaching my sexual peak at this stage of my life and I'm so happy with how our relationship is in that realm. I realize this is intensely personal and perhaps there may be some reading this who would question my choices, morally-speaking. To them I would say simply that I am in love, in a monogamous relationship, and extremely happy with who I am, where I am going and with whom I'm involved. Brian is a treasure and I enjoy every aspect of my life with him in it. This relationship, both sexually and otherwise, is exactly what I've been looking for my entire life. He makes me feel like no one else ever has. I'm more satisfied, more fulfilled, more loved and more wanted & needed in this relationship than I've ever been before. And I can't wait for the future.
Brian is a man of great appetite, shall we say. He is, when in a relationship, more likely to make love on a daily basis, according to him and I'll tell you what, this will be a welcome change, considering the "dry spell" I've had in my marriage to Harry. I thought I was going to have to ease into things gently given the way the past six years have gone, but I'm finding that I'm doin' a pretty good job keepin' up with my man, as it were. That's another benefit of being down 220lbs. I could never be on top before, or if I did, it wouldn't be for very long as my knees would ache and I'd run outta steam way before it was all said and done. Heck, Brian and I were making love a few weeks ago, and I was on top... let's just put it this way, an hour and several climaxes later, I was still goin' strong... Okay, okay, TOO much information I know!!! Suffice it to say, I'm truly enjoying this aspect of my life. I feel like I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, sexually speaking, at this stage in my life. And I'm not apologizing for it, not at all!!!
11/27/2004
It was a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving holiday. Brian & I went to David & Rachel's for the day and we were able to take Miss Ellie with us. We had SUCH a great time and it was really fun to get to spend the day with Brian's family. Granted, they have their quirks, same as any family, but it was very enjoyable.
Brian's mom isn't feeling well at all these days, her legs and back still hurting her. I think it's her sciatic nerve, possibly, and so today, here at work, I'm trying to find her some medical information about sciatica and the treatment of it. I thought it might be helpful for her. I know she's in pain a good deal of the time and I'm just hopeful that her Medicaid will come through and that she'll be able to get some of these things taken care of.
Brian & I were able to spend the better part of both Thursday and Friday together and it was wonderful. We were able to sneak in a little "alone" time yesterday and it was heavenly. My aunt was going to her friend Helen's house and my mom took the grandkids to see a movie. So that left me at home alone... DON'T tell ME we weren't gonna take advantage of that one.
I can't get over the changes in my life. Brian & I were talking about it the other day and it has been such a profound difference, I can't even believe it myself at times. I just have such a better sense of who I am, of what I want, and my happiness is a priority to me. I couldn't have ever felt this free to just be who I am before. My weight so stood in the way of my thinking that I could see my way through to who I really was.
I hate that I've hurt Harry, don't get me wrong. In fact, there was a bit of a situation the other day, in reference to that very fact. I woke up, just feeling very upset and very emotional and feeling as if I should call him and apologize for the way this has all affected him. I know, I know, I don't OWE him any apologies, necessarily. I mean, it's not as if I deserved the treatment I got. But I know what it's like to be the one "left," so to speak. I know how it feels, and it does bother me to have put him through that. It really does. And that is what I wanted to communicate to Harry the other morning when I called him. Just to let him know that it did indeed affect me how this whole thing had affected him. And when I ran the issue past Brian the other day, he told me that in his opinion, it was up to me how to handle it, but he wondered, from the guy's standpoint, if Harry wasn't thinking that by my apologizing, he might be thinking that there was a part of me that was regretting my decision and that a reconciliation might be possible.
I didn't want him to think that. But sure as the world, a couple days later, Harry called me, all chatty Cathy and when I didn't necessarily respond in kind, he called me back, asking me if there were something wrong, because he was confused about my "change in attitude," so to speak. Brian happened to be present for both phone calls, and when the second call was finished, I came undone. I was bawling. I told Brian that I couldn't deal with all this. I mean, I know I was the one who called & apologized, and it does make me feel guilty. Then I feel badly that it makes me feel guilty, like maybe it's a betrayal to Brian that this all still affects me in this way. When I told Brian this was how I was feeling about it, he reassured me that I needed to act in a manner that was befitting to how I felt and what would make ME comfortable. And that if talking to Harry & apologizing had made me feel more at ease with the whole thing, then it was a good outcome and even if I did have to deal with the "overflow" from it, more than likely I'd be glad in the end that I'd done it. But he also reassured me that I had NOTHING to worry about in regards to it being any type of betrayal in our relationship, that he didn't take it that way.
We're growing so much in our relationship. We've dealt with some tough issues, that's for sure. But we're doing well with them. We had a couple fairly difficult conversations in the past week or so and they've gone well, despite their content.
One evening we got into a rather lengthy discussion about some of the more violent events he'd gone through during the times when those old demons of the past were kicking up. It was difficult to hear those things. There were so many times that things could've been so much worse, that the outcome could've been tragic, whether for him or for someone else. Although I think those others were more at risk, truth be known. It made me sick to hear some of those things. I don't mean that to say that I couldn't deal with it, I could and did deal with it. But it was hard to hear about the man I love in such situations, and in such circumstances where so much more wrong could've happened. I know the one question that really plagues Miss Ellie is how much violence has actually been in her dad's life. I've shared this with Brian, that this is an issue for her, and something she wonders about. And I'm sure that at some point, they'll talk about it. I'm just fairly certain that, at age thirteen, she's too young to hear these things now.
He hasn't had an easy life. He pretty much raised himself and grew up on the streets. He led a "kill or be killed" lifestyle basically and although he's never taken anyone's life, he was surrounded by much violence and destruction. He's only come out the other side alive by the grace of God, in my opinion. And he knows this to be true. He's very thankful for all the blessings and for how far he's come. He's very aware of how his life could've gone down.
We had another serious conversation after his recent, troubling phone call with Renee. I asked him to possibly consider that he might be having the same issue with her as I am with Harry, in that his actions or his words are somehow leading her to believe that a reconciliation might be possible. I just worry sometimes. You know. I know that he and I are both in the same marital situation. Both still married, but separated. Both still having, to a certain degree, to deal with our respective spouses. And both feeling so fragile and so open to hurt in this, both our third "serious" relationship.
I know I want to marry Brian. I know it as much as I know I'm going to breathe the next breath that he is IT for me. There is no one else I want to be with ever in life. In fact, the other night, we were talking and the issue of marriage came up. And I got very emotional, as this is kind of hard for me to talk about with him in some ways. I guess because the feelings are so raw for me at times, so exposed, so near the surface. I think I've posted in the past about how Brian knows I've never had a "true" marriage proposal. And he's determined that when it does happen, it's going to be a memory to last a lifetime, so I don't doubt that he'll do his best to "do it up right" so to speak. So we're talking about this, and as I said, it's an emotional conversation. He's holding my face and I'm crying, and he motions me to get out of the car. Honestly, I have to say, I truly thought he was going to propose right then and there. I know we're not yet both free, so in that way, it makes sense that he hasn't done it yet. But there's also a part of me that wanted him to do it that night. To date, this is the one thing that's occured between us that I don't feel like I can communicate with him concerning. And I know, that at some point, I'll be able to talk with him about it, so I'm not making that big a deal about it. But I have to confess that I kind of let it get to me when I went home that night.
I guess I just know how much I love him and how fragile I am where my feelings for him are concerned. And I do so very much want to be his wife someday, I'm not going to lie. But I'm also not going to do anything to push him away. I'm very happy being with him, and while I do desire a permanence, I'm contented just being with him. I feel so peaceful, so much "at home" in his arms and in his presence. Last night, when we were watching movies (we'd rented "Pitch Black" and "The Chronicles of Riddick" at Family Video) and we were laying on the bed. We just fell asleep. We both felt so calm and so at ease, just lying there together.
We LOVE listening to an old Edwin McCain CD that I have. Here are some lyrics that mean alot to us.
"I Could Not Ask for More"
Lying here with you,
Listening to the rain.
Smiling just to feel
The smile upon your face.
And these are the moments,
I thank God that I'm alive.
These are the moments
I'll remember all my life.
I have all I've waited for,
And I could not asking for more.
Looking in your eyes,
Seeing all I need.
Everything you are
Is everything to me.
These are the moments,
I know Heaven must exist.
And these are the moments,
I know all I need is this.
I have all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.
I could not ask for more
Than this time together.
Could not ask for more
Than this time with you.
And every prayer has been answered,
And every dream I had's come true.
You know, right here in this moment,
Is right where I'm meant to be.
Here with you, here with me.
I could not ask for more
Than this love you give me,
'Cause it's all I've waited for...
And I could not ask for more.
This song states, in every word, every line, exactly how I feel about Brian. When I'm with him, there is nothing else in life I need. I have so much. I have my faith, I have his love, I have acceptance, of both who I am to him and who I am in my own head at this time in my life. And I couldn't be happier. I've never felt this way about anyone before and couldn't feel this way about anyone again.
12/2/2004
WOW, what an interesting few days off it's been... I have just had the most surreal experience, and I don't know what to make of it. If anyone reading this has any advice for me, PLEASE feel free to email me and let me know what y'all think gives...
I had a stomach bug, like that 24-48hr stomach flu that's been going on... so the hospital gave me a script for Phenergan 25's for the nausea & vomiting. Welp, my family doc also had given me a script for Soma for my muscle spasms. So I guess what happened was that I took them together and they kinda made me loopy and goofy and then I kept taking more (or so we figure) 'cause I can't remember a bit of it... I'd say that I remember maybe one-third of what happened during that time. Very scary indeed!!
So apparently, according to my mom & my aunt, I talked "out of my head," cussing them up one side and down the other. I tried to swallow change as pills, or thinking I was taking pills anyway. I talked to my aunt, thinking she was a lady I work with, telling her that Bonnie had called. I told them that I had to bake a different dessert because Jenny (Brian's niece) didn't like red velvet cake. I fell down the stairs, practically head-first and am lucky I didn't break my neck. I threw pills all over my bed, the Bentyl tablets, and spilled an entire glass of water all over the floor and my sheet and quilts.
And like I said, MOST of this I don't even remember. I felt really foolish, I'm telling you. I remember bits of what happened and I can pretty much piece together the rest of it, but it's just scarey that I didn't realize what I was even doing at the time.
I asked Teresa (one of our unit-based pharmacists) about how drug interactions happen and she said that drugs, when taken together, can interact in one of two ways. Either they work together to "potentiate" each other, or they "fight" and one of the two drugs will be the one working & metabolizing in the body and the other will "store up" and then can work very quickly once the first med is metabolized. So obviously this second one is what must have happened to me. Like I said, it's just scarey and a bit embarassing for me to think of what I did and of what could've happened.
Anyway, I just feel very foolish, like I said. I dunno what to make of it all. As I said, I'm scared to think what could've happened, and I feel very strange and a bit silly. I know about all the things I said to my mom and it makes me feel really ridiculous about the whole thing. I keep feeling like I've let everybody down and I know they don't look at it that way, they just are glad I'm okay and that it wasn't any worse.
I'm feeling better, though and I guess I just have to be thankful for what DIDN'T happen...
12/3/2004
It's my last day to work before my three day weekend off and I'm SO glad to have the days coming up to just relax. As the past few days have really taken their toll, I just can't wait to have a moment or two for some much needed R&R. Brian and I are going to get to spend alot of time together this weekend, so it should be wonderful.
Miss Ellie is marching in the Festival of Lights Parade here in our town tomorrow with the church youth group, so Brian and I will be going to support our girl. We love her so very much, and I'm so thankful, once again, to know that I'm getting to be an even bigger part of her life by being with Brian. I love him so much and I love her so much too and it's as if having the one relationship in my life just makes the other so much more precious and sweet and wonderful.
Tonight Mom is going to her work's Christmas party & Glady is going to her church's Christmas party so Brian & I might be gettin' some private time to ourselves. It should be really nice. We haven't had alot of privacy and given how crazy the past few days have been, we DESERVE some!!!
I love him so very much. He was in such a funk last night and I felt so terribly that there was seemingly nothing I could do or say to make it better. I know that by my just being there and being supportive, I'm doing the best thing I CAN do, but it's hard. I just think when you love someone, you want to know that you're doing everything you can to help them, be there for them, etc. But it's frustrating to care that much and feel like you can't help!!
I'm going to do some research on bi-polar disorder & manic depression. I'd like to be able to find out more about it and be able to intelligently discuss his disease with him when necessary. I think I'm just planning to "google" it as a diagnosis and see what I come up with. I'm asking one of our nurses here as well, as she used to be a psych nurse. I felt she'd be a good resource.
Not to change the subject, but I've become a rabid shopper these past few pay weeks. I bet I've spent more money on myself than Carter's got liver pills... LOL!!!! I've bought sexy lingerie and new shirts & sweatshirts. I've gotten about six new pairs of shoes and about four or five purses. I tell you, I'm insane... I need to stop, but I think I've neglected myself for so long that it's good for me to spoil myself just a bit.
Christmas coming up has me scrambling to try to figure out what to get the little ones. We've decided (the adults, that is) not to exchange gifts ourselves and just buy for the children. No one really has a whole lot of money this year and we're just not gonna "go there," so to speak. I think, instead, we're all just going to meet at The Pines restaurant in Seymour for a large family dinner, and leave it at that. I think it will be really nice to just all get together and see each other.
I think I'm buying Miss Ellie an Old Navy gift card. I know that's what Brian's parents are getting her as well. She LOVES that store and I know it'll be something she'd definitely enjoy getting so that she could just go out and pick out things she wanted for herself... Call me whatever but I really like the idea of getting GC's for people cause it's easy and they can pick out what they like. LOL!! That's just the easier way about it...
I just found out I'm getting to work tomorrow on T6A, so that's good... I could use the overtime, that's for sure, since I've been a crazy shopping fool... I will put the money to good use, I'm sure. Considering it's the last check before Christmas, I know it'll come in handy.
Brian & I were planning on seeing "Alexander" tomorrow, but we can see it in the evening, I'm sure. The only reason we were gonna go see it through the day was to get the cheaper price, but if I'm gettin' eight hours of OT, it's all good, you know. Welp, actually I just realized it won't be overtime, cause I missed that day of work, but still, it'll all help out in the long run. I'm sure Mary won't mind my working it and since I missed that day, it's gonna be just fine.
Dang, Brian's phone is just ringin' in busy, busy, busy, and I'm trying to get ahold of him to see if he's ready and all that good stuff. I want to let him know about my deciding to work tomorrow so that he can know what's going on, etc etc. If he doesn't get off the phone soon I'm gonna beat his ass... :-)
I just talked to Miss Ellie and Ang wasn't able to pick up the divorce paper packet today at the Courthouse... I guess it wasn't easily located for the clerk whoever waited on her so she didn't get it... sheesh!! UGH!!!
12/4/2004
Welp, it's another Saturday and instead of being off work, I'm here, working on T6A for another USP who had a friend, unfortunately, pass away. I think it was an auto accident, and he was very young, like 27yrs old. Sad!! So I'm here working and I don't mind, 'cause I missed Monday with that stomach flu, so this should make up the time. I was just a bit late getting here this morning, as I couldn't get my lazy toukas outta bed. I couldn't sleep last night and was up until after 1:30AM, I'm sorry to say. So of COURSE, I didn't want to get up in any way, shape or form.
But I'm here, and I'm relatively chipper, considering. My back is still bothering me, and with Mom doling out the Soma, I didn't ask for one this morning. I thought I could've used one, but I wasn't sure she'd give me one... I know this all sounds really strange but for anyone not familiar with the above post where I had the really strange reaction to taking the Soma and the Phenergan together, I was basically really whacked out for about 36-48hrs. So we've all decided that, since my mom & aunt had to basically police me for all that time, she'd just give them to me and make SURE she only gave me what was called for. And I can live with this. I know that they were really scared and whatever I can do to make them see, understand or not have to worry about me, I'm going to do that. I'm sure they were really frightened and, to tell you the truth, it frightened me as well. To not remember even two-thirds of what had happened to me isn't exactly a great thing to have to figure out. Parts of it are starting to come back to me, and I tell you what, it's odd.
Just to be thinking of some of the things they told me I did, and not to have ANY recollection of them, is really strange. It's almost surreal to think of it. Some of them are coming back to me, just in spurts, moments or quick flashes of memory. And it's very bizarre to even somewhat remember things and to KNOW that it isn't something you'd do, if you were in your right mind at all.
I've basically decided that I am going to change doctors. I just don't think I'm truly getting anywhere with Dr Lovins and I know why. It's not something I really want to get into here in this forum, but anyone who should know of what I'm referring does know. I just don't think I'll get a fair shake at her office anymore, suffice it to say. I've already spoken to Dr Young and Dr Kavelman and I would feel comfortable with either one of them being my primary care physician. I don't feel that either of these men are WLS-prejudiced. I don't think I'd feel strange going to see them as doctors even with working with them. So I think it'll be a good choice, either way.
On other news, I have my cell phone up and running again. I finally found my phone charger and got it all working. So of course, Brian thinks it's funny to like call me a million times a day on it... LOL!!! Then last night he said, "You don't have your cell phone on, do you?!" He was doing a "Harry" imitation of course.
Brian & I went, after work, to pick up his script for Lithium, then ran over to the Dollar Store where I got some hair color and new eye shadow, and he needed some razors. Then we went over to the house, relishing the fact that we FINALLY got some time alone together. Of course, we no sooner got upstairs than Gladys came home, so we felt pretty rushed but at least we got some quality alone time, for at least twenty minutes... lol!! It wasn't enough to truly satisfy, but I think we make the best out of a bad situation. With both of us living back at home for the time being, we have to snag these moments where we can, unfortunately. We jokingly say we're tired of sneaking around like "horny teenagers," but it's kinda true.
I long for the day when I don't have to take him home, then come back and go to bed alone. It somehow cheapens the moments we are able to share. And we don't much care for the way that feels. It just makes it seem that we have something to hide or something to be ashamed of, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm very proud to be with Brian. He's a wonderfully loving, giving and compassionate man, who's very determined, passionate and generous to a fault. Of course, he's not perfect, no one is, but this relationship has afforded me more comfort, more security, more affection and more generousity than any other I've ever experienced in my life. And I'm so thankful for it, in so many ways. I never feel alone anymore. I go to sleep every night, despite missing Brian and wishing he were beside me when I do, feeling so very contented and peaceful in my own skin.
It's such a delirious, delicious feeling to be this free to just be who I am with someone, to be in this relationship and know I am fully accepted and to be so happy in who I am. And while I'd be lying if I said the weight loss didn't have anything to do with it, I know deep in my heart that Brian accepts me and would continue to accept me, no matter what my size or what the number on the scale is saying. It's very freeing, considering how I never felt I could be myself and be fully accepted in my marriage to Harry. There was always that sense of inadequacy and that who I was never being good enough. Never being simply enough, good or otherwise, actually.
It's constricting, to say the least, to feel this way, how I felt with Harry. It's uncomfortable, uneasy, and painful, and given my past, it's hurtful to know that I've fallen into the same trap so very many times with my relationships with men. Truly, deep down, I felt like I wasn't a "good enough" daughter to deserve a relationship of any magnitude with my dad. Then when I was married to my first husband, his cheating on me numerous times only added to the "not good enough" scenario already playing through my mind. Then the marriage to Harry, the lack of sexual intimacy, the lack of common interest, whatever you want to call it, only fed my mania where all that was concerned.
And so goes every relationship up until now. You know, it's odd, the way I can see it so very clearly at this point and yet I could never see it before. I was too busy being so mired down in whatever I was wallowing in, and I couldn't see past the nose on my own face, as it were. I couldn't tell that I wasn't being treated fairly and I wasn't seeing my own worth and believing that I deserved anything better than the terrible treatment I was getting in these relationships.
I've come to grips with the whole situation with my dad, I feel. I know that he is who he is, and my trying to mold him into the shape of the "perfect father" role isn't gonna work where he's concerned. It's just not him. He just is who he is, for better or for worse, and it's good enough for me. My dad isn't going to change, and it's not entirely up to him to do ALL the changing anyway. I can be the bigger person, can be flexible in ways that he can't be, and I can be accepting. It's funny, I expect others to be accepting of me for who I am, but I couldn't accept my dad simply being who he was.
Again, this is something I can see so clearly now, but I couldn't before. I couldn't even begin to see that I was impressing upon him all the confining, restricting behaviours I was blaming my former spouses for, and not even realizing I was doing it. How ironic! I couldn't see how my own actions were so similar to the ones I despised in these others, and yet it was okay for me to be so rigid and non-understanding with my dad. This was a powerful realization for me to be able to make. And I feel it's helped me immensely. I could actually sit down the other night and have a conversation with dad on the phone, and hang up NOT feeling all uptight, upset, and up in arms. I felt none of the usual things I would've normally felt upon dealing with him.
How freeing!! How wonderful!! How comforting to know that I can just let him be my dad. And I wonder if it's so much easier now for me to see this because I'm in this relationship with Brian, so therefore I have a different perspective of the father-daughter connection and how all this can and does work. I also think it's due in part to how much more comfortable and aware I am in my own self.
WOW, I just got off the phone with Brian and he's having one heck of a morning. Renee called him last night, twice, leaving two crappy messages.
12/7/2004
It's another day here at work and I'm back after a couple days off, trying to get myself back in the swing of it. I feel pretty worn out actually and luckily I was able to get some extra sleep yesterday & last night. I was so tired. I don't normally nap like that throughout the day and evening, but it must've caught up to me, all this running around.
I think I really need to take some time for myself. Nothing at all to be reflective on Brian or our relationship or anything else, but I've definitely been "burning the candle at both ends," as it were and I need to slow down BIGTIME. I'm so exhausted most of the time and I need to take better care of myself. I know Brian is understanding of things, he always is. He wasn't aggravated with me at all, just worried, he said, when he didn't hear from me again last night. We'd only gotten to spend a bit of time together yesterday, but the wonderful thing is that I KNOW he is so very understanding and I'm so thankful for that in so many ways.
I never feel pressured or anything like that where spending time with him is concerned. Although we both LOVE spending time together and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, we're both secure enough in our relationship to know that life will not end if we're not together every waking moment.
We had SUCH a great time on Sunday. We took the three kids out to the park and played and played. I got on the slides and swung on the swings, all that. It'd been YEARS since I'd been able to do things like that. I tell you, we surely take for granted being able to get around and be silly like that. I enjoyed it SO much. I was playing on the swings with Al & Will and then sliding with them. It was SO much fun. I felt so free and so young and so happy doing that. I've never laughed so much in so long.
But I think the day definitely wore me out. Brian and I went back to the house and watched movies and I feel SOUND asleep. He woke me up when the movie was over... Then we made the mistake of going back out for coffee before I took him home and sat out at Waffle & Steak until after midnight. So that in coordination with then getting up early and getting the little ones off to school, keeping Allison, running a couple errands for Angie and all that, I was so sleepy. Brian & I went out for coffee again yesterday and then picked William up at school. He was surprised to see us there. He said, "I didn't even SEE you. Why are you pickin' me up!?" Little goofball!!!
Last night, I slept and slept and I did NOT wanna get up for anything!!! Mom had to holler at me SO many times this morning... It was like bein' back in school & having her try to wake my lazy butt up. I hate feeling that way, but, as I said, I think the weekend was just catching up to me. Between working on Saturday, running all day Sunday & then getting up early Monday and messing with the little ones, I was definitely feeling it.
As I said, I'm just glad Brian's not one to get all worked up about my needing some time to myself. Harry definitely wouldn't have been so understanding, but then again, I try to look at it that the "courtship" stage of this relationship is obviously going to be different since Brian & I live only a few blocks away instead of several states. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not rationalizing Harry's behavior, he knows the things he's done that were wrong or inappropriate or whatever. He knows he's treated me in ways he shouldn't have, and he has to deal with that. But I think had we been able to have a more traditional "getting to know you" phase, we'd have been more able to see how incompatible we were and we'd have known not to pursue a more serious relationship or a marriage.
That's the one thing that is so different for me in this relationship with Brian. I know that his expectations of me are so different from what Harry's were. I don't have to worry any about disappointing him or not meeting up to his expectations where it comes to him. I mean, I know there are things I could do which would disappoint Brian, I don't mean it like that, but the things that would constantly disappoint Harry are in no way a disappointment to Brian. It's so strange to not have to worry about or to consider these things.
I dunno, it's just so different, in such positive ways, to be with Brian.
12/8/2004
Brian & I went out for coffee last night after work. We were having a fairly serious theological conversation and it was pretty interesting. I was intrigued to hear some of his points of view on things in general where religion, spirituality, etc are concerned. I think he has the same viewpoint or whatever on faith as what I had BEFORE I got more serious about my beliefs. I know that I tended to use words like "religion" and "spirituality" more often than faith or Christianity, as I was uncomfortable with using the more solid terms, as it were. I guess what I mean by that is it's easy or easier to use those terms when you're not sure of what you believe in, when you're not sure about where you stand on things.
He was discussing how his perceptions of God are that if it's put in a "negative" connotation, people are more likely to reject it or reject belief, because it's not all "warm & fuzzy" and filled with good thoughts. I told him that the only problem with that is it lulls the believer into a false sense of security and into feeling that so long as the good, warm, fuzzy feelings are there and the benign "good deeds" are being done, there is nothing else to worry about.
I tried, diplomatically, to explain my thoughts on this matter. I said that this way of thinking can be dangerous in the way of a person not seeing or not understanding that good deeds and warm fuzzy feelings are NOT all that is required to "get to" Heaven. There is only one way to God and that's through Jesus Christ. As I said, I think that Brian made some compelling points that where negativity and "hellfire & brimstone" are concerned, these aren't exactly things that draw people into faith, organized religion, spirituality, whatever you wanna call it. But at the same time, God is just as much about judgement and all that as He is about love.
I do believe that God is the truest essence of love. He is the divine example of how we're supposed to be trying to live our every day lives. And if we strive to that, He will be proud of us, this is true. But striving to "do good" isn't all it's about. It is, in its starkest form, about believing that Jesus was born to Mary, walked this Earth as a man for better than thirty years, was sentenced to die on the Cross, was crucified to save all our sins, and rose again three days later. And it's about committing our lives to knowing, understanding and living that purpose.
Not to change the subject, but I'm gettin' a SERIOUS case of don't-wanna-work-itis. I'm off the next two days and I'm just really struggling with even wanting to be here. In fact, I SO don't wanna be here and it's gettin' pitiful. But I KNOW I need to stop this just feeling like not working and not doing it. I need to suck it up and just go with it, but sheesh, it's hard to make myself wanna do that.
So many things are going on right now. I'm wanting to change doctors, so I need to make that happen. I'm supposed to start my physical therapy this week so THAT needs to happen. I NEED to get some of these medical bills taken care of, so that DEFINITELY needs to happen. Just like for instance, Dr Benedict for my litho's I had done several months ago. I owe his office around $270 or so. I need to just take one full paycheck and just PAY IT!!! It needs to be done, I just have to do it. I need to have a conversation with Brian and talk with him. I know here lately I've been doing ALOT of shopping and I know I haven't taken care of as much as I should be. And I KNOW this needs to stop, bigtime. It's time to get serious and get things taken care of and be done with it.
Harry is wanting me to file for our divorce as soon as possible, and I want and need to get this done as well. It's important for me to get that taken care of, this I know, but there's a part of me that thinks this is just Harry trying to be a "spin doctor" and get more money from me. The reason I say that this could be the issue is that once the divorce is final & I can drop him from my insurance, I have to go back to paying him the full amount of money per pay for the credit card bills, the IRS payment & the van payment.
Right now, he's losing out on $37 per pay difference because he's paying for the health insurance, or at least he's paying for his half of it. So like I said, I just feel that he's spinning this in his favor to just "get more money," as it were.
I know, he's only getting what he's owed, in some ways. In other ways, I feel that I've been conned into taking care of some of this crap. If you wanna get to the strictest "letter of the law," I'm only LEGALLY responsible for half the IRS payment. The van isn't in my name and neither are the credit cards. I could walk away from them and not have the least little thing to worry about. But I can't bring myself to do that, you know. I just can't be that big of a bitch. I dunno why I feel it so necessary to be nice to him on this one. He certainly doesn't deserve it. I don't owe him the rest of my life, that's for sure. He mismanaged the money when we were together, he didn't pay bills in a timely fashion and then he wanted to blame me or act as if I was somehow responsible for this. I mean, come on. I was handing him over my paycheck every two weeks, what am I supposed to do about it. If he didn't pay it, I had no control over that. How could he say that it was my fault?! I'm just so over all this crap, you know.
I'm very frustrated right now and I dunno what to do about it. I'm also very frustrated about this situation at my mom's as well. They're acting like the drug police and my heavens, this morning, when I asked for a Soma before work, Gladys had a friggin' cow. I know that what happened was scarey, and I can understand this. I can fully accept that what they were seeing in me, my behaviors, was scarey indeed. I know this, and I understand how it could've been for them to witness this.
I just don't know what to do and I feel very helpless right now, and I'm not sure how best to handle this. I know I need to move, but I can't afford to do it. I even saw a sleeping room in the newspaper today for like $80 a week and I'm wishing I could swing it. Actually I just called the telephone number and I'd have to share a bathroom with two other rooms and I'm just NOT feelin' that at all... so no go, I reckon.
I just got off the phone with Brian and I'm telling you what, he NEVER fails to put me in a better frame of mind about my life. He's so loving, so supportive, so great to me in so many ways, that I can't even begin to describe how it feels to be with him. I was in such a mood earlier, I mean, I was practically in tears. And now, I have a smile on my face. It's so amazing to me to see how much he's there for me, in so many ways. I was telling him how important it was to me to just continue to get these bills paid off and no matter how much we had to sacrifice to do it, I want them taken care of. And he's just so there for me, just so supportive. He said, "I can make you coffee here at the house." And I said, "Who says we can't watch the movies I already own on VHS or DVD, instead of renting them?!"
And he's just so with me on everything. He said that yeah we could sacrifice a bit and it would be fine. Heck, we were just as happy when we were going out to the park to "our spot" and just talking. We had more fun doing that than anything else we were doing at the time. Now, granted, I know that the weather's now too cold to be doing that for the time being, and I know we'll have alot more cold weather to attend to, before it's all said and done. But we can make this all work. I want these things handled and taken care of, and I'm set on that, bigtime!!
Brian & I are feeling fairly "whatever" with all this stuff with Miss Ellie. I mean, she has SO much responsibility on her shoulders, for only being thirteen years old. She helps out SO much with the kids, and the strange thing is, she has so much loyalty to her mom and to the little ones, that even when she's questioned about just how MUCH responsibility she has, she defends her mom's position. And we want to support Angie and Kirby in their parenting decisions, it's not that. But we truly feel that Ellie's childhood is being usurped and, let's face it, it's not that long until Elle is old enough to decide for herself where she wants to be, and I know it would break Angie's heart if Elle DIDN'T want to be with her.
I'm all for being in a family and having a certain amount of responsibility because you're in that family. I mean, there's NOTHING wrong with everyone getting up on Saturday mornings and pitching in to run the vaccuum, dust, get laundry caught up, and so on and so forth. I just can't help but feel that Angie's weight, her lack of energy, all these things, are contributing to why she doesn't do more for the little ones herself. And I fear that Elle, one day, is going to rebel against this and is going to seek out a better situation for herself, as I said, one in which she can truly be a "kid!"
12/11/2004
MAN, talk about a bad last 24hours!! YIKES, it's not been too fun at all!! Friday didn't start out to be that sucky a day, not at all. Brian & I went to Nashville to take him to see Dr Alessi for the first time, which went well. Then we headed back to Columbus & Brian got his labwork done here at the hospital outpatient lab.
We went to get a bite to eat and then to the video store. We headed back to my house and watched the rest of the movie "Seven" that we'd started the other day. Then at around 2PM, we came back to the hospital to go to my PT eval for my back injury, which went well.
Then we went back to my house, and started watching another movie and just enjoyed having some time to ourselves. We really had a great time and were just very relaxed and feeling great. It'd been so long (or so it seemed) since we'd had any "time alone," if you get my meaning, and we just really made the most of it. Then I was feeling really tired about 7PM or so, and my mom needed her lay-away out, and I volunteered to go get it for her. So Brian & I took off and went to WalMart. I went inside, only to find that there was going to be a nearly two hour wait for the lay-aways to be brought up from the trailers where Christmas ones are stored.
Well, I didn't think that was too cool an idea, so I pretty much got the heck outta there and Brian & I took a drive and looked at some Christmas lights. About a half hour or forty-five minutes later, we got back over to his house and sat in the dining room to talk for a bit. His parents had just left for a church meeting, and so after another half hour I took off. I drove over to Mickey D's and got a sandwich since I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. I got back to the house and filled Mom in on what my PT eval showed and what Lindsey told me, the exercises to do, etc.
Mom told me that she & Glady have pretty much decided to put the house on the market, come springtime. Talk about being flabbergasted. I was in shock... THEN, she says how Angie had called Prestwick Place apartments and they can rent a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment for only $515 a month and how Ang just saw the "cutest little duplex" for rent for $475 dollars and WOULDN'T that be WONDERFUL for me and Brian. Well, ya don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure who's bein' ex'd out in this scenario. So it's obvious to me that when and IF the house sells in the spring, they don't intend on my moving with them wherever they intend to move.
Now I don't mean to sound "whatever" in this whole thing. I fully understand that they don't have to make their decisions based on my comfort or anything like that. It's completely their decision to make to live wherever they want to live and I fully understand that. This isn't "news" to me, obviously, but it's still hard to fathom that I may not have anywhere to live. I don't think they'll necessarily sell it right off the bat or anything. But it was very definitely hard to swallow in the moment. To just have it kind of "sprung" on me like that really bothered me. As I said, not that they have to check with me before they make their decisions, but still, it does affect me.
Mom & I went on to have a conversation about how I needed to get up my nerve and talk to Harry regarding the van. I'm beginning to believe I can't continue to afford to pay for it and that we might need to sell it. So 'bout that time, the phone rang and, lo & behold, it was Harry. Speak of the devil, eh?!
I grabbed the cordless phone & went upstairs to have some privacy. He asked me if I'd gotten the message that he'd called earlier & told Glady for me to call him. I hadn't of course... Don't EVEN get me started on NOT getting my messages.
So I went into the conversation with Harry being a bit worked up anyway, given what I'd just been talking about with my mom. I mean, come on. But Harry just had me all in a tizzy. I did talk to him about the van and feeling that I couldn't keep on paying that payment. And he didn't react well, as I knew he wouldn't...
Then he gets into the topic of my needing to file the divorce as soon as possible. Well, I had pretty much decided that it was at LEAST going to have to wait until the first paycheck of the new year. So I told him this. Well, he wasn't having ANYTHING to do with that... this is for sure. So he tells me, eventually, that there's someone he's interested in and he wants to be "free" to start seeing her, so he wants the divorce to be done.
Now, I realize FULLY that Harry & I are getting divorced. I'm not still in love with him, I'm in love with Brian and I KNOW where my future is headed with him. So WHY in Heaven's name did finding out that Harry was interested in someone bother me SO daggone much?! I guess that one could say I was with him for more than six years, married over five years, so I'm bound to feel SOMETHING about his being involved with someone else. I guess it's never easy to accept that the person for whom you once cared so much is moving on. I s'pose this was a hard, but necessary lesson. But truly I think I've learned that I am exactly the kind of person I thought myself to be. I'm a caring, compassionate, loving woman. And no matter how much Harry hurt me in that marriage, it's not going to be easy to accept or deal with his moving on.
I'd say it's just like the lesson I learned when I was the one to initiate the divorce from him. It's just as hard to be the one doing the leaving as it is to be the one who's left. And once again, I have a new appreciation, I think, of how I am, of who I am and of what I'm about. I don't have it in me to be so uncaring and so callous as for this NOT to bother me. It just speaks to, again, who I am as a person. And I'm not saying any of this to pat myself on the back or to give myself more credit than I'm due, only to help myself to understand why I reacted in such an emotional way.
The whole conversation, though, was obviously entered into by Harry to hurt me, or so I see it. He made a comment about how HE didn't want the APPEARANCE of any wrong-doing and that's why he wanted this divorce done, so that he was free to see this new girl and not have people say, "Well, he's not even divorced yet!?!" He made some kind of snide comment about how it was okay if I didn't care what people thought of me. I said to him, straight out, "Well, Harry, you know me. I never gave a SHIT WHAT people thought of me!!" I'm sure I prob'ly shocked him more than just a bit, but I was over it.
Obviously that comment was meant to be a jab at me and at my choices. And you know, I can handle it. I just try to keep thinking that it was coming from a place of hurt and so I need to keep that in mind when I'm formulating my thoughts about his words and his reactions to things I say or do. I know where I stand in my relationship with Brian, and I know that I love him and my actions WITH him are truly coming FROM a place of love and of how I feel about him. He loves me, he treats me well, he is very caring and very concerned of my feelings and of all that.
12/12/2004
Last night was alot of fun. I drove up to Taylorsville after work to be with Brian & Ellie. They were babysitting with his niece, Jennifer Rose. I tell you, she's such a rotten little pickle. She is something else. She was wound tighter than an eight-day clock. She was runnin' around and being silly and stripping, she kept streaking back and forth throughout the house and we'd dress her again, and she'd strip again... It was too funny. She says "goofball" now & it cracks me up. At her birthday party, I kept referring to Brian as "Uncle Goofball" and she's picked it up, and now she says it when I'm around. I'm not sure whether Rachel is too cool with that, but I reckon there are worse things she could be saying.
Anyway, the house was turned UPSIDE-DOWN when I got there and they'd only been alone with Jenny for less than three hours... So I helped to pick things up a bit, and Brian kept saying, "When she sees what you're doing, she'll just string things out all over the place again!" But I picked up anyway... I just couldn't see David & Rachel getting home and having the place all willy-nilly and in a mess. I guess I've always seen keeping the house straightened up as PART of keeping children, you know?! It stayed pretty clean actually... I just think it's something that if you keep up on it, it'll all work out.
I think in the past I've been so reticent in my housekeeping duties, due to just NEVER having any energy to get everything done and KEEP it done. I think it's too easy to let things just pile up and then you're more likely to just let things go. Now that I have the energy, I think, to do more, I WANT to do more. I want to keep my room up and all that stuff. And I KNOW that keeping a good house is important to Brian, so it makes it important to me as well. I know that in the past he's not been with people, I perceive, who cared about how well kept-up the home was and I truly want to build for him a nicer place to live and to feel a part of.
I'm truly looking forward to making a nice home for him, you know. Carving out a little corner where he can feel at home, feel centered and grounded, all that, is becoming really important to me. I have a book at home called something like "The Art of Keeping House," or something of that nature. Anyway, it's a really cool book with alot of neat things in it. I find that I have more energy to keep up on things, more energy to keep things picked up. Truth be known, the only reason the house of Eighth Street was so messed up was that Harry would have a fit if I touched ANYTHING of his, anything at all. Tell ME he wasn't hiding anything from me.
This girl that Harry's seeing, this other one he's met online, I kinda feel sorry for her, you know. I wonder if he's learned his lesson from things he went through with me that he won't make the same mistakes again. I certainly hope he won't make the same mistakes over again. I think he deserves his happiness, I mean I don't wish him any harm or any unhappiness. I think he could do it right this time, you know. I think he has it in him to make better decisions and know the mistakes he's made. And I just have to hope and pray that the divorce just goes through quickly and that it can be taken care of post-haste and it's just done, you know. Just over with. I just want calm and peace.
Back to the building a nice life, nice home with Brian, though, I just look so forward to things like that. I mentioned to him how nice those McKinley School Apartments are and while I know an apartment isn't necessarily what he'd like to have, I think that'd be a cool place to live.
12/22/2004
I can't believe it's been this many days since I've updated. I NEVER go that long here anymore with that. Hmmm...
Welp, I have something to journal about here that is a bit troubling to me. I've gained some weight back. I've said it... UGH!! These are NOT words I wanted to say. But I have to say them here. I'm 20lbs up. I could handle it when I was only five or so pounds up but it's getting serious. I dunno what to do... well, actually I KNOW what to do. I need to get back with the program, I need to STOP eating the sweets and the useless carbs and I need to make GOOD decisions. Period!!
I'm NOT going to fail at this. Today I weighed myself and I'm weighing in at 190lbs. I can't believe it. I mean, I've seen it creeping on and it was like, so long as it was only a few pounds or, let's say, less than 10lbs, I could resign it away, I could just shrug my shoulders, but it's here and it's happening. I NEED NEED NEED to get BACK on the protein train, STOP eating chocolate and cakes and cookies, I need to just really REALLY make some better decisions and stick by them, BIGTIME!!! As I said, I'm NOT giving up and going to let myself fail at this.
Within the last couple days, I've started drinking my protein drinks again, and I've dusted out the old "Walk Away the Pounds" videos to try to get myself motivated to exercise once again. I NEED to add these things back in, I really do. And I'm surely going to try to do it. I want this, I want it very badly. I didn't go through ALL this to have it blow up in my face.
UGH!! What a thing to have to put here. But I guess that my journal here is supposed to be about my trials and my tribulations with both life and this surgery, you know... LOL I know it's basically turned into a chronicle about my new relationship with Brian and that's okay too. But ultimately it's about this surgery and I need to focus on that. I need to remember that I had this procedure and made these changes in my life for a REASON and if I don't keep sight of those reasons, I'm going to end up right back where I used to be.
And this isn't what I want. What a reality check for me. You know, what the wise "old timers" say is true: the weight is NOT "gone forever," no matter WHAT I might be thinking or might have stated here in the past.
12/25/2004
Merry Christmas to all!!! What a year it's been, all in all... I'm down an amazing 80lbs from where I was last year. This time in 2003, I'd lost 120lbs and now I'm down 200lbs. I'm so astounded at times and yet, given my more recent struggles with food and eating, I know I need to reign everything in and I plan to....
12/26/2004
We had a really nice Christmas yesterday afternoon with Brian's family! I was invited over to Tom & Rosetta's for dinner. They baked a big ham, baked beans, potato salad & this hominy-cheese-bacon casserole. Everything was good... they're both really great cooks!! And I LOVE ham anyway... LOL!!!
Then we all piled in my van and drove up to David & Rachel's, Brian's brother & sister-in-law, and had Christmas with them. Jennifer was wired for sound & wound tighter than an eight day clock. She was running around, bein' goofy and just having a good time. She's so adorable with that red curly hair. We got to bring home pictures of her from her 2nd birthday ones they had done at WalMart. They turned out really wonderfully and she's so sweet anyway, they couldn't help but be precious.
Weather here is finally coming back around. It's snowed here more in the past three or four days than we've had in FOREVER!!! I think they're estimating that we got somewhere around 20-25" of snow, and I believe it. I think the blizzard of 1978 was the last time I've seen THIS much snow and of COURSE, back then, I wasn't driving, so it didn't matter to me... LOL I was 11yrs old!!
12/30/2004
Welp, the year is almost done. I try to think about where I was way back then, even a year ago. I'm down another 60lbs from where I was then, I'm out of a bad marriage, or in the process of extricating myself from one. I'm in love, probably for the first time in my life, if I'm being honest. And this is nothing in disrespect toward Harry or the time I spent with him. I'll always have a certain fondness for the good in him and for so many things, but I see now, so very clearly, that he and I should've never gotten married in the first place.
There's a song they've been playing on a local rock station, and I couldn't tell you which band it is, but the chorus says:
"You love me, but you don't know who I am.
I'm torn between this life I lead, and where I stand..."
This song is SO very reminiscint of my relationship with Harry, I think. It just speaks to me in so many ways, just those two lines. I have no doubt that Harry feels as I stated above, that somewhere in the midst of all his controlling mania, that he has a fondness or a love in his own way for me. But he NEVER had a clue who I was. Not really! I know that much of this, I'm to blame for. I made certain assumptions about how I "needed" to be in order to be with him. He paid attention to me, he seemed like the kind of man with the values I was looking for, all that, and I so very desperately needed to be with someone at that point in my life. My ex-husband had found someone, I had to find someone as well.
I feel terribly for stating that. I truly do. It makes me feel as if I used him, and maybe I did in some ways. He did help me, though, to take a look at my values and my beliefs and to find a clearer vision of some of the choices I wanted for my life. I guess the moral of the story is that no one, even Christians, is perfect and above sin, so to speak. I would've never anticipated this pornography addiction. One of the biggest draws, I guess you'd call it, with the thought of being married to someone with different beliefs than my ex-husband, was that I didn't fear that adultery would be a part of my marriage in any way, shape or form.
But I guess infidelity can mean more than a sexual involvement with another person within a marriage. It can manifest itself in withholding of physical intimacy, or in the aforementioned addiction. This sort of behavior in my marriage became so unacceptable to me, it became so difficult to bear. I could no longer live with knowing that the man who's supposed to love and cherish me above all others is not only neglecting my sexual needs, but then finding outlet for his OWN needs with porn. It was just too detrimental to my well-being, to my sense of myself. No wonder my self-esteem was in the toilet.
I guess, at times, I try to justify why I've done what I've done. I try to reason away ANOTHER divorce. I do feel like a two time loser sometimes, I'm not going to lie. I know I have Brian in my life now, and he does make me exceedingly happy, there's no doubt about this. But having this relationship does not take away the pain of the last. Being treated well in this relationship does not take away the pain of being treated poorly in the last. And seeing NO reason to fear the end of this relationship does not keep away the feelings of failure from the last TWO.
1/4/2005
FIRST journal entry of the new year!! I can't believe how far I've come since this time last year. It's unbelievable to me, really!!
The starter is going out in my van. That sucks. But at least Brian can fix it for me. He talked to his friend Randy who has a shop and who can get the part for us wholesale. I certainly hope so... LOL 'cause I can't afford the retail prices, that's for sure!!
Not to change the subject, but my Aunt Barbie is very seriously considering having the RNY with Dr Lindsay, the same surgeon who did mine. I'm so hoping she'll do well, and I know she definitely feels at the end of her rope, so to speak, when it comes to her weight. I know how she feels. I felt that way as well, prior to my decision to have surgery. I'm so hopeful for her, so much praying that she'll do well, that she'll acclimate to the new lifestyle, the new way of eating, all that.
1/9/2005
It's been raining for DAYS here in Indiana and I'm officially over it, BIGTIME!!! Although it's dry today, we've had some massive flooding and other things from all the snow then all the rain dumping in on top of that!! We've had so much precipitation between those two things, UGH, it's not been fun. I'm in hopes that it's pretty well over by now.
I have a little over one more month till my divorce will be final. I can't wait to have it all behind me. I know it's been a big change in my life and there's been alot of differences in the past seven months, but I'm so ready for the future to be here.
I know Brian & I are going to be moving into that future with alot of challenges, I'm not naive. I mean, we've both been married twice, we've both been "around the block" a time or two when it comes to life, but I know we have the means to make it work. We truly care about what happens to one another and that makes all the difference in the world! I know we can make it.
We're going out for coffee tonight after I get off work, depending on how I feel. I've been battling stomach cramps and nausea pretty much all day today. Not sure what's going on. It kinda feels like it did when I had that ileus, and I haven't had a bowel movement in several days, so I know I need to be sure I'm taking my stool softeners as I should be. That's something I've slacked on a bit, I have to admit. Then also there's been a stomach thing going around, kind of a bug, and that's been wreaking havoc with people. My sister's kids pretty much all had it and my aunt Glady had it too. So it wouldn't surprise me if I had a touch of that.
I just wish I felt better. It's making me crazy, I've felt so crummy for the past few days. Off and on, I've just been so daggone nauseous and crappy feeling! I'm hoping this is soon to pass. I'm sitting here drinking a diet Sprite and eating some soda crackers, in hopes that my tummy will stop its rumbling. A little relief would DEFINITELY be a good thing. I think I'll take home some of our chicken broth packets we have here at the hospital, those always seem to settle my belly when I was a patient.
I think I might see if Brian just wants to go back to my house and watch a movie or something. That way we'd get to spend some time together and I wouldn't have to worry about being out somewhere and my tummy acting up. I'm just not sure what's going on.
1/19/2005
Here I go again... LOL!!! I've just gotten out of the hospital a few days ago, having been kept an inpatient for four days due to another ileus and another kidney stone. UGH, no fun at all!!! WHATEVER I need to do to avoid these things in the past, I'm gonna do.
I have a 3mm kidney stone on the right side and it's painful. Even though they (the doc's) are telling me it's not obstructing, and it's not as if I don't believe them, I can feel the pain. I dunno if I have a bit of a kidney infection or what the deal is with that. I know that my urine output hasn't been good, I haven't gotten enough liquid intake in as I should either and I KNOW these are contributing factors in my recurrent infections and stones. I got, recently, a copy of my labwork and x-rays to take with me to Dr Lindsay's office one day this week and my latest urinalysis showed 3+ bacteria in it and I'm still unsure as to why they didn't send me home on any antibiotics. It's just odd.
I have to say, I think (or actually I KNOW) I'm going to be happy with my decision to change family practice doc's to Dr Young. He's got SUCH a great bedside manner and is just so accomodating but yet I very much feel a comfort level with his knowledge and with his dealings medically speaking where my health is concerned.
1/22/2005
Another Saturday, another day back at work. My kidney stone was kickin' it up again yesterday. Spent the whole day puking my guts up with both the right and left flank hurting. I'm sure I have some type of kidney or bladder infection, my urine showed 3+ bacteria on the day of my dismissal from the hospital. I'm not really certain what the reason would be for my urine to show that and yet them NOT send me home on any antibiotics, but I guess I'll get with Dr Kline during my follow-up this coming Tuesday to ask why this was or what the reasoning was for not treating the infection. The only thing that was brought to my attention was that since it wasn't a cath'ed or a clean catch mid-stream sample, it might've been contaminated. Ahhh well, who knows?!
Brian had his third back surgery a week ago yesterday and now is the proud owner of two JP drains... LOL!!! Each drain has been putting out no less than 50-100cc of serous fluid per day and this is still too much, in Dr Lee's opinion! Not going well, so we'll see what happens, poor fella!!
2/5/2005
I'm SO sorry my updates have been so sporadic here lately... Seems I only get a moment or two here and there to update at work and since I've missed quite a bit of time here lately, it's been hit or miss at best.
I've been doing so-so lately. I had another kidney stone zapped and that wasn't pleasant but it's done. Now I'm just hoping and praying that the painful residual thing goes away as my right flank area is STILL very sore and tender to the touch. In fact, every time I rolled over last night, it hurt and woke me up. I try NOT to be such a big weenie about the pain but it really does hurt and I'm just hoping it does a bit better for me now that the stone is busted up.
Things, in general, are going pretty well. Personally speaking, my divorce will be final in less than two weeks. It's a bit bittersweet, I guess, but it's a necessary thing. I mean, the changes are good, I'm happier, I'm more focused and more in tune with what I want for my life. I think I'm more in control and in a better mental place than I had been in years. Brian's and my relationship is going along very well, we're extremely happy, that's for sure. I couldn't ask for anyone more loving or giving or understanding. He makes me very very happy and I'm so thankful for his presence in my life.
I think Harry is perhaps starting to see the error of his ways, and from time to time, it seems he's wanting to try to rectify those errors, but I can't go there again, you know. I can't go back to all the wondering and questioning and not knowing how he truly feels about me. His treatment of me was reprehensible much of the time and he didn't make me the priority he should've to keep me. I mean, I hate to sound whatever about the whole thing, but there came a point where it was just intolerable. I could no longer live in that situation, I was so unhappy, I didn't even want to live, period! And I'm in such a better place now, in so many ways. I've got things I need to improve on, that's for sure, I'm not denying that. But I'm definitely in a better place mentally and emotionally than I was before.
Brian's still dealing with the lipoma on his back and that whole drainage issue. It's terrible. He had to go back in to see Dr Lee this past week and he's going to have another drain placed next week. Dr Lee feels awful about the whole thing, really feels for Brian and just can't understand why this is going on. I spoke with Dr Lee while he was up here rounding on patients today and he seems so apologetic. I think Brian feels that he's just being blase about the whole thing, but Dr Lee seems truly concerned about it, and I for one will just be glad when it's been taken care of & my poor sweetheart is not in so much pain with it all.
I am, more than likely, about to be entering into a new phase in my professional life. A job opportunity has come about and I think I'm going to be offered a great position with a local health insurance company. It's more money, better benefits, more room for advancement, all that. I'm so excited and am supposed to hear something within a couple days. I can't wait! It's a benefits eligibility specialist job in a small, but growing department. They are in the midst of making several process improvements and I'm going to be getting in on the ground floor of those things. It should be very exciting and something I'm looking forward to doing. I've always loved the health insurance field, have done that type of work for better than ten years and am really glad I sent that resume in.
I just, on a whim, spoke with one of their reps who comes to the hospital to do chart checks and asked her, confidentially, if there were any open positions. She said they needed experienced folks DESPERATELY and she told me where and to whose attention to send the resume. I got together with Ang and she helped me work on my resume, and I sent it in. The REALLY cool thing is that Angie just started working there last week and she LOVES it. She and I haven't worked together in years, but we're really looking forward to doing so again. Angie is doing telephone customer service and so her office is on the second floor, where mine would be on the first floor, but it will still be very great to be under the same roof again. I think it'll be interesting to see all the old folks from CHAMPUS days and work with so many of them again. I can't wait until Monday, that's when I'm supposed to hear.
2/11/2005
It's been a strange couple weeks, I have to say. My life is in upheaval in so many ways, but I'm getting through it. I need prayers, so anyone out there who's of a mind to do so, I'd be much appreciative. Brian's been a tower of strength, all the while telling me exactly what I need to hear, the cold hard truth, always in love, of course, but not sugar coating anything.
I've had a couple periods of some really scarey physical symptoms with all this, not surgery related, but nothing I can get into here. Suffice it to say, it's been strange enough to make me see the doctor next week and I'm actually looking forward to it, which is nothing I thought I'd be feeling at this moment.
Here are some lyrics to a song by Seether, with Amy Lee from Evanescence that have been really speaking to me lately.
"Broken"
"I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore
The worst is over now and we can breath again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I'm strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I'm strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore"
I think this, in some manner, speaks to how I feel about Brian, although it makes me sound very needy to say so... But I've come to count on him so very much and to just be so thankful that he's such a constant strength in my life. He knows what to say and he seems to just instinctively know when I need to hear it. I'm so blessed, just so blessed, especially at this time in my life.
Surgically speaking, things are going well for me right now. Aside from the fact that I seem to gain and lose the same ten pounds on a monthly basis, I'm steadily in a size 14 and I'm happy with the way my body is at this time. I'd feel a bit better, I think, if I had my plastics done, superficially speaking, but I know that my saggy skin does not speak of anything about me in general, it's just a fact of my life right now.
Weight today: 190lbs, so still 200lbs gone!!
2/18/2005
What a strange couple days it's been! The night before last I went to bed around 10:30PM and by 1:45AM I was WIDE awake and could NOT go back to sleep to save my life. I lay and lay awake and couldn't clear my mind enough to get quiet and get back to sleep. So yesterday I was off work (good thing) and I had just pretty much decided to stay up until around 7PM or so and then try to get some sleep.
Anyway, I jump ahead of myself. Glad was going to the beauty shop in the morning so Brian & I were able to snag some time alone. Ahhhh, how I do enjoy that... LOL I'm only bein' somewhat naughty when I say that. Suffice it to say things are still going along swimmingly where we are concerned. We're ecstatically happy and I think we're going to continue to be.
I took the job! They officially offered it to me and I decided to take them up on it. I should be starting around March 14th or possibly even the 21st. I'm toying with the idea of taking a week off in between, but I'm not sure if I can swing it financially. I'd LOVE to have a bit of time off, that's for sure. But, as I said, I'm just not sure if I can make it go or not.
Brian & I had a long, like three hour philosophical telephone conversation last evening. Very interesting and enjoyable. Not that talking to him isn't always interesting and enjoyable, it is, but last night's talk was just especially so. Actually we started out talking about the physical part of our relationship and how well we get on in that department. We're just so in sync and I never ceased to be amazed at this fact. I've never felt so open, so in tune with someone in this facet before...
4/2/2005
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