My goal is to be 140, because then I'd be "Half the woman I was". If I don't get there, it doesn't much matter, so long as I probably get down below 160. :) (For reference, I'm 5'6" and started at 280lbs.)
People often ask "How did you choose the band over the RNY?" The answer for me is that I didn't. RNY really wasn't an option for me. I'd looked into it, but basically decided that it was way too drastic, and the side effects were too scary. Then I heard about the band, and it sounded perfect for me. :)
Well, I'm not good at keeping things like this updated, but we'll see what I can do. I've been a member of OH for a little while now, but I wasn't preop, so none of that stuff is here. I guess I'll start at the beginning...
On May 25th, I was in an airport with my mom. We were going on vacation her, my youngest sister, and I. My sister was flying from Denver, so we were going to meet her in Florida. Her and I were chatting about a person we know who had the bypass done. We chatted for a bit and I mentioned this new band thing I'd heard of. Mom was intruigued, and I explained what I knew of it to her. See, I'd been doing some research, but put the idea out of my head because I didn't have any insurance, or any money. So I explain it to my mom, to the best of my ability and she says something to the effect of "wow, that sounds perfect for someone like you, why don't you get it done, I'll pay for it." O.O <-- buggie eyes. So I jokingly say "shall we add it to my tab?" (I owe her some monies because she is the coolest mom ever). She says "no, I'll just pay for it, you should have that done." I cried in the airport. The idea of actually having an answer to my never ending diet/failure routine was just too much for me. (My eyes tear up as I sit here now). So while we have some downtime in Florida one evening, I do some more research, and find Dr. Rumbaut's site, and fill out the patient survey. Within the next 24 hours, I got an email from Doralisa (who has got to be one of the nicest people ever). She tells me that I'm a great candidate for surgery, and what other questions might I have? I had a few minor ones, and of course the cost, etc. She tells me that they can schedule usually 2 weeks from when they first get the question. Since I'm not going through insurance I don't have to have any referrals or anything, but I had an appointment with my PCP about a week later and I wanted to make sure she didn't have any huge reservations about this, because I like her and I'd hate to have to find another doc (not to sound callous, but I would have switched right away if she'd had any issues). She didn't have any issues, but made it clear that she didn't have an experience with this kind of thing and wanted to make sure I knew she couldn't give me the aftercare part. So I called Doralisa and left a message telling her I was ready to discuss a date. She calls me back and says "How about July 2nd?" This was somewhere around the middle of June. I was completely amazed. I got off the phone and cried like a baby. The next day I arranged plane tickets. Doralisa arranged everything else. The hotel, the transportation from the airport, etc. And then Dr. Rumbaut called me in the next day or so to make sure I didn't have any extra questions or anything. And he wasn't in any hurry. I'm quite sure that if I'd had a laundry list of questions he would have patiently answered them all for me. I felt like I'd done my research and only had a couple of questions for him, the main one being what complications made the lap surgery open? He said that I had nothing to worry about and that really only happened in the larger patients (400, 500 lbs).
So I tentatively started telling people about my surgery. Mom knew of course, and my boyfriend, who I'd called from Florida to tell him of my decision. He told me to do whatever would make me happy. I don't have the bestest (:P) relationship with my dad, so it took a little courage to call him up. I don't know why I thought he'd reject the idea, and I'm not sure why I felt like I wanted him to approve it, but anyway... I called and told him what I was doing, and he said that he was incredibly relieved that I was doing something. My mom and my sister had said the same. See, I never realized that they were all so worried about me. I guess it's because I wasn't worried about myself. I mean, basically, I'm a really healthy fat person. I don't have high blood pressure, or anything like that. Only that I was a little hypoglycemic, but that wasn't diagnosed, I just figure it based on symptoms, etc.
Anyway, everyone I tell is very excited for me. I didn't even come across anyone who had issues with the fact that I was going to Mexico.
So I fly out Wednesday night, which was June 30th. On Thursday I spend about 30 minutes having my preop tests. EKG, ultrasound of the gallbladder, blood drawn and a chest xray. The I see Dr. Rumbaut. He shows me a Lap Band and lets me play with it. I get to fill it up with air to see what it looks like n' stuff. He tells me how the procedure is going to go, and that it should easily take less than an hour. He explains the post op diet and that I can get a fill after 6 weeks. He also tells me that if I were to get pregnant 'tomorrow' it wouldn't be a problem, like it might be with other surgeries. I laugh, because I'm not ready for kids, whether I "can" have them or not!
Anyway, he was a great guy, and I also met one of his assistants that would be helping him while I was at the office.
So we went back to the hotel, and Doralisa had a basket sent there full of stuff that I could have after I was banded. It was so cool. So Mike and I went to the mall that's right by the hotel and did a little shopping, and went to dinner. I had soup, because Dr. Rumbaut said to have something light like that.
I was the first surgery for the next day, so we got up and left the hotel at 7am. We got to the hospital and filled out a little bit of paperwork. Then they had me get changed into my gown and go into the prep room. Mike (my boyfriend) got to go with me that far. They put my IV in, and I talked to Dr. Rumbauts other assistant who I'd not met yet. He told me how things were going to go. Then the anesthesiologist came in and shortly after that I woke up! He had the nurse put something in my IV. I don't know if it was for nervousness, or standard or what, but I didn't feel all that nervous or anything before that. Anyway, I apparently had another conversation with Mario, the first assistant that I'd met and he told me what to expect after surgery. Fortunately my boyfriend was there because I didn't remember any of it.
So I woke up about 4 hours after I went in for surgery. I was only in surgery for about 45 minutes. I woke up and heard a kid crying in the recovery room. I felt bad for him. I think that the whole "losing an hour or so of time thing" really messes with their little heads. My sister cried when she woke up from having her tonsils removed. Anyway, I was kind of surprised by the pain. I asked for something for it and the doc told me that he'd give it to me, but that I'd have to sit in recovery a bit longer. I asked him if I could try and sit up a little bit first instead, which I could, and that actually helped quite a bit. So I was wheeled into my room where my boyfriend was waiting for me (it was good to see him). I got my glasses back, so I could see again, which was also good. I took a nap for a while after making sure my boyfriend made all the obligatory phone calls to tell everyone I was awake and doing ok. I woke up prolly an hour later and was feeling pretty good. I called my mom and my dad and told them I was doing good. After a bit tho I started feeling sleepy again. When the nurses came and checked on me every 2 hours, they put something in my IV, which I think was for pain, and it made me sleepy.
So most of the day was spent waking up, laughing at Mexican tv with Mike, and then drifting off to sleep while he played his gameboy. That night I was able to carefully lay on my side, which was good because I don't do well sleeping on my back. The doctor came and checked on me in the evening n' stuff.
The next day around noon the doc and his assistants all came to see how I was doing. They took off the outer tape over my incisions. They said my skin was really sensitive. They were really happy with the way everything had gone, gave me my prescriptions and let me go. As I was leaving 2 other women who'd been banded were waiting for the shuttle back to the hotel as well. Apparently I'd been mentioned to them. I'm not sure what the conversation was tho :).
More to come later :)
Wow, it's been a really crazy week. I totally meant to come back here the same day I typed everything else up and continue my update. Oh well.
So lets see. After we got back to the hotel, we put on some tv and I napped for a bit. I was pretty sore, and kept up on my pain medications (which were actually a muscle relaxer, because most of the pain comes from the muscles reacting to the new foreign body, or so it seems). Anyhow, I mostly slept that day, or read, or watched TV. Mike was the best. He took great care of me and made sure I had whatever I needed. Broth, water, etc. He took a walk and went to the store to get himself some foods n' stuff. I was pretty sore than night so I took a hot bath. Not high enough that the water touched any of my incisions though. No baths or soaking for 2 weeks :P. Anyway, Mike sat with me while I was in there just to chat which was nice. I PB'd after I took my antibiotic. I'm not sure if I'd had too much tea before that or what, but it wasn't too unpleasant, just water coming back up.
The afternoon of day 2 Mike and I walked over to the mall that's close to the hotel. We were there for a good couple of hours. I sat to rest a couple of times, but it was good to get out. I took another nappy when we got back from that too. Sunday (day 3) we just relaxed and got everything ready to go for the next day. Mike did most of the work :).
Monday we got up and got dressed and headed for the airport. It was pretty uneventful. I bought some soup in Phoenix that I didn't have much of (of course). I kept up on my pain medication and was mostly just REALLY tired at the end of the day. Mom picked us up and I let her check out my wounds and told her all about it. She asked me if I was going to be in to work the next day and I said yes. She told me if I was feeling bad in the morning to make sure and sleep in.
Going back to work was fine. I have a desk job, so it was easy. On Wednesday I ran a bunch of errands and wore myself out though. I didn't go home early, but I took a nap that evening after work. Thursday or Friday I wasn't taking my pain medication during the day anymore. And I think by Sunday I was off it altogether, but I kept it with me just in case. It was really great stuff. Despite being a muscle relaxer, I didn't feel any effects to my head. I wasn't groggy or anything.
So anyhow, things went well. I quit losing when I got to 255 (starting point 280 if I didn't say that already). I got a fill on 8/17/04 with Dr. Kuri in Tijuana. He's a really nice guy. He filled me up to 2cc's. I could feel the difference, but I still didn't lose weight after my fill. The needle on the scale didn't move at all. I wasn't playing with 3 lbs, or anything, it was just stuck at 255. So after counting calories, checking protein and upping that, I started walking etc, etc, but the needle still didn't move. Forward to 11/4/04, when I got my 2nd fill. That was a Thursday, and Dr. Kuri bumped me up to 2.6cc's. Well, by Monday I'd dropped 4 lbs. Then I felt REALLY STUPID for not getting my fill sooner.
Anyhow, here it is almost exactly 6 weeks later from my fill, and I've lost another 10 lbs. I'm at 245 :). I try and weigh myself only on Mondays, but sometimes a Thursday or Friday sneaks in. What's wierd, is sometimes I weigh on Monday, and then on Thursday I'm the same, or even up a pound (which I never count :P), and then on Monday, I'm a lb less than I was the Monday before it. I don't know how it works, but I'm not complaining.
I'm not exersizing the way I should be. I'm not really exersizing at all. I've asked for a Thighmaster and some hand weights so that I can do something in front of the TV, or at my computer. My mom and my sister and I all want to join a Curves, but it keeps not happening for whatever reason. I should probably just go myself and let them join later.
I went through a couple of days last week where I was REALLY depressed. The reason is kind of backwards though. I was feeling down about how much weight I've lost, and then I did the math. 9lbs (at the time) in almost 6 weeks. Well, that's almost exactly 1.5lbs per week. Which means I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. So then, I got really sad and depressed because I can't be happy for myself. I have every reason to be happy for myself, and PROUD of myself for doing this, but I'm just not, and there's no reason for it. I guess the moral of that part of the story is that I definately need some therapy for my self respect and self pride issues, if nothing else.
So it's strange. I'd found myself really not wanting to eat and not caring much about food since I couldn't eat much, and I was happy about that, but now I find myself in a phase where I'm quite obsessed with food. I know this is because I can't eat much. I was always a person who wanted more because it tasted good, not because I was hungry or whatever. So now, I can have a few bites of this and a few bites of that and I'm done, and I really don't like it. I have learned to eat things more slowly to savor them, even if the band isn't restricting how fast I eat too much. I am REALLY restricted though. Sometimes I think I want to take some of this fill out, but I know those are sabotage thoughts. I can eat solid foods, and a decent amount on most days, so I'm not too tight by any standard other than wanting to eat more. I don't have a medical degree, or a psych degree, but I like to think I'm pretty in tune to analyzing how people think n' things like that, so while I know I definately need counsiling at some point, I have a pretty good idea where this stuff is coming from. It's not a complete mystery.
Anyhow, I wanted to get these thoughts down while they were in my head. Merry Christmas!
Well, Happy New Year all! I'm down another 5 lbs. I'm not even sure how that happened. The last time I updated I was bouncing between 245 and 246, and had been for a couple of weeks, then today I hopped up on the scale and it said 240. I was shocked, I thought I was reading it wrong or something. O.O
I'm excited. I have exactly 100 lbs to get to the goal that I have in my head. It sounds like alot, but now there's a real possibility that I'll get there, where there wasn't one before.
The only thing that bugs me is that there's only one change I've actually noticed visually in my body. And that's that my boobs are shrinking. Even my sister said that to me (tactful one that she is). We haven't seen eachother in over a year and she said she'd noticed a huge difference. So that was cool. I'm in a smaller size now, which is cool, but I still don't SEE the difference. I'm hoping I will relatively soon.
Well, not much new to report. I'm updating because I've lost another lb and I need to update my chart (below). I'm actually really excited today. As crazy as this may sound, as of today I have less than 100 lbs to lose. Saying that "outloud" is still kind of wierd to me, because it's relatively recently (within the last year) that I would actually admit that I was over 100 lbs overweight. Anyway, I'm feeling really excited about my weight right now. There was a point where I was depressed because I didn't feel like I was losing like I should have been. And then there was me being depressed because I was losing exactly the way I should have been but still wasn't happy for myself. Now I AM happy, and it feels really good. I know I have a long way to go, I AM ON MY WAY. I'm 9 lbs from the weight listed on my driver's license, which was what I told them when I was 17...... and I'm relatively sure that I was lying. I wont go bragging that I'm the same size I was in high school until I hit that number tho :P. OH! And I bought new pants the other day and they are size 18! I'm in the teens! Granted, they are plus size dress pants, and the material is kind of stretchy, so I'm not sure I could fit in regular size 18 jeans per say... but it's an 18 none-the-less and I'll be getting into those jeans soon enough. :)
So I haven't lost anything in a month. Well... that's not entirely true... I gained 3 lbs when I got my period, and I've lost that... After 2 and a half years, I get a period. It's the strangest thing really. I'm on Depo and it all but stopped my menstral cycle. And I really had every symptom too. I was craving chocolate, and really snappy with my boyfriend. I'd been clutzy and forgetful, and then when it started, everything made sense! Anyway, now that I'm back to 239, I'm hoping that next week I'll have started losing "new" weight. Irritating, ne?
So I've been really frustrated lately. I haven't been losing any weight and it's really starting to piss me off. It wouldn't be so irritating IF I WASN'T BEING GOOD. Actually it's beyond being good. I'm at the point right now where I'm trying to find ways to make sure I get ENOUGH calories in a day. I've been tracking on fitday every day this week. There was one day where I broke 1100 because I had 2 white russians, but before that it was just under 900. Then a few days between 800 and 900. Wednesday night (2 days ago for those without a calendar handy) I got 1100 ~ 1300 (estimated because I went to a restaurant). Yesterday it was just over 1400. If I can stay between 1200 and 1500 I'll be happy. I seriously cried myself to sleep the other night. It's really screwing with my brain that I've been eating too much my entire life and now I might not be losing weight because I might not be eating enough.
I've started walking again too. Obviously not exersizing wasn't helping me at all, but at the same time eating so little I would have thought to have lost SOMETHING. I had started a walking routine before when I was in a plateau, and after a few weeks when I still didn't lose anything, my walking dwindled off. So I am hoping, that I start losing while I'm walking, because then I'll be happy to see results, and I'll continue to walk. I'm apparently VERY much a person who needs to be rewarded for effort put forth, or I don't put forth effort (unfortunately). My plan at the moment is to get my walking speed and distance up over time, and then when I get below 200, I'll start riding my bike that is sitting and collecting dust. I'd also like to get some rollerblades, but my ankles hate me as it is, so I'm gonna wait until I'm lighter for that as well.
Yesterday when I was feeling particularly depressed, I went on fitday and calculated out an average pre-band day. Actually it was probably still less than average, but I got my point across to myself. I put in a 3 egg with ham and hashbrowns breakfast (I just remembered that the place I order it from includes toast I would have eaten, but oh well), then a burger meal for lunch, and to be easy a burger meal for dinner, plus a bunch of Coke. 3400 Calories. And that doesn't even include any snacks I might have had during the day beyond my meals. On the one hand, THANK GOD I don't eat that much anymore!!!! But on the other hand, if that's what I used to eat, I SHOULD BE MELTING AWAY from what I eat now. lol... I'm not so depressed as I was the last couple of days, but I'm sure you can tell it's still in there somewhere.
I've added some pictures in at the bottom. These are me and my boyfriend on January 29th, so 239 lbs. There's a pre op pick of me in a swimsuit from my vacation where I decided to do the surgery that I need to find and scan for reference, but this is a start. :)
So I'm not quite so depressed as I was the other day. I'm hoping by Thursday or Monday I'll start to see some results for my walking. I've gone every day but Sunday. On Saturday I almost said "well, I'll go Monday through Friday", but I'd only just started on Wednesday, so I went Saturday too. I've been eating slower, and not been having quite so much trouble getting solid foods down. I haven't eaten anything tonight which is bad, but it's 11pm, so I'm not gonna go fix dinner now... I'll just make sure I eat breakfast (drink breakfast) tomorrow.
Lalala.. I don't really have anything else to say today. G'night!
Yahoo! Broken Plateau! I was down 2 lbs when I weighed today. I don't usually weigh on Wednesdays, but I'm going to the dr today and I like to weigh in the morning before they weigh me there so that I don't get freaked out by what it says there later in the day. lol.... Walking is my new best friend. It was obviously just the kick start that I needed. Now I just gotta keep walking, and bring up the pace a little and the distance as time goes on. Maybe by the next plateau I'll be ready to try jogging?!?!? I'm also going to start riding my bike after I get below 200. I think that is a good amount of weight off my knees that they might not get quite so angry with me.
I've asked for gift certificates for shoes for my birthday. I want to get some GOOD running/walking shoes and socks. I have some shoes I like right now, but they are Payless type shoes, and I really don't think those are optimal. I've heard that it's really important to get the right kind of shoe if you are going to walk or run alot. My walk right now is about 4/5 of a mile, which isn't much (but obviously a good start), but I plan to bring it up quite a bit from there. It doesn't take me 20 minutes to go that far, so the first thing is to bring up my speed on that distance, and then when I'm 'comfortable' with that, walk double that. I think 2 times around at a good walking speed should take me 20 minutes. Currently I start out at a good pace but I get a little slow at the end. Walking with mom helps some, because she doesn't do the slow down at the end part. lol...
Anyhow, I'm just rambling on and on because I'm so happy. :D
Okay, so I'd gotten back to being kind of depressed because I thought my plateau break was fake. After my last entry the scale didn't move anymore... until TODAY!!!! I lost 2 more pounds! I still feel in disbelief. I really think I was starting to psych myself out on this thing. I'm practically crying here, and I don't know why. At least I'm the only one at work so no one can see me :P. The wierd thing is, that I didn't expect any weight loss at all for this week (as much as I'd wanted to see it). On Saturday I found out that my Grandfather had a heart attack on Friday and was in the hospital and things weren't looking good. For some reason at that point I just told myself that was it. I didn't even give him a fighting chance. I got all sad, and throughout the weekend had more than my share of icecream. Not as much as I might of had pre-band, but still... I told myself that I wouldn't go crazy if I'd gained wieght (even though we all know I probably would have lost it). I think it may be water weight (here's me not wanting to take credit for hard work). I drank a TON of water yesterday, and working up to it before then. I've just been forcing myself. I'll drink a bottle of water before I eat, and anytime I think of it, I just make myself suck down a whole bottle. If I don't do that, I wont drink it. I think I'm going to make myself go farther in my walk today. It's just over a mile right now and that takes about 25 minutes. I'm still tired after but I enjoy going. Especially since Mike has been going with me. He's going out of town next week all week. I'm going to miss him alot, but at the same time it'll be nice to have a little time to myself I think. He and mom are gonna be outta town on my birthday, so I think I'm gonna do something with my sister. At least dinner or something probably.
Anyway, I feel kind of dumb for being so frustrated. I know that I lose a few lbs, and then nothing for a couple of weeks. I guess I just wish my body wouldn't have let me lose for a couple weeks in a row so I'd know I was ok. Silly, huh?
So I've been bad. I'm not supposed to do this but I have. I've had to, I can't help it.
I've been weighing myself every day. It started with my plateau just hoping the damn scale would move. Especially after I started walking. Something had to give right?!?! But now that it's moving, I keep weighing myself to see if it's "real". Like I'm going to get on it one morning and be back at 237 or 239. So I got on it today and I'D LOST ANOTHER POUND!!! My surgery was on a Friday, so I'm going to try my darndest to not weigh until next Friday. I'm so excited. I hopped on that scale hoping it would still be at 235! But this is even better! I'm 4 lbs from my first mini goal of 50lbs/the weight on my driver's license. I really really want to try and be halfway to goal by the time I go to Hawaii in June. That'll be 210, which will be 70 lbs down. Of course, if I could be in onederland by then, that'd be even better, but I'm trying to be realistic here. I WANT to lose 24 lbs by June, but I know that it's highly likely that I wont.. I'm going to be HAPPY with 10 lbs lost. That's a lb a week mind you. I'm hoping I can lose more than 15 lbs before plateauing again... lol. Damn plateaus. Who invented those anyway? I really wish I had measured before my surgery. I meant too, but things happened kind of fast and I never did it. I'm gonna hit target today and get a measuring tape and some 5 lbs weights. I want to try and make it so my arms aren't flabby at the end.
I just went to target and bought the weights, and the tape measure, and a belt. The belt that I have is like 2 inches wide and only fits the pants they came with. I bought another one that is thinner and looks like it would fit most other belt loops. Right now it is at the 1st possible hole, so I'm going to use that to measure myself as well.
So I didn't make it until Friday. BUT... I'M DOWN TO 230!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've lost 50 POUNDS!!! I weigh what it says on my driver's license!!!!! This was my first mini goal, and I'm so stoked!!!
So I think I'll list out my mini goals as they are in my head right now:
- Reach 230lbs; this is what is listed on my driver's license, and this is 50 lbs down. REACHED!!!!
- Reach 210lbs; I will be HALFWAY TO GOAL (I REALLY want to reach this by June 24th, because I'm going to Hawaii).
- Reach 199lbs; Onederland!!!
- Reach 180lbs; I will have lost 100 Pounds and be more than 2/3 the way to goal!!!
- Reach 165lbs; I weighed myself every day in Jr. High and this is the one that is burned into my head.
- Reach 140lbs; FINAL GOAL. I only picked this number because it seams somewhat possible and I would be half the woman I formerly was. If I don't hit 140 I think I'll be okay with that, as long as I stay somewhere below 160.
When you break it down like this it doesn't seem so bad. hehe.
So the first goal is reached. I lost 50 lbs in just under 9 months. I'm exersizing now, which has obviously picked things up quite a bit, so I'm going to try and set some dates for the rest of my goals. As each goal date comes, I'll update all my dates based on whether or not I hit my goal and how far I am from it, or how far I overshot it.
210: My goal for this is June 24th, which is 20lbs in 3 months, but I'm going to try hard.
199: My goal for this is August 15th.
180: My goal for this is November 15th.
165: My goal for this is February 1st.
140: Pretty much whenever after that...
I'm trying to stay realistic, but I think these goals may be a little radical, which is why I'm going to re-evaluate them as each date comes. Or maybe as I hit each goal. I'm a little worried about the 2 once I hit onederland because as you have less to go, it gets harder, but we'll see. Gosh, it looks so attainable now. lol... On Saturday I was depressed because I wanted to eat some stupid chili even though I was full. I was good, and I tossed it in the trash, but all these mental issues flooded in on me and I just felt overwelmed. I guess the number on the scale this morning was my reward for that. lol. My mom sent me a pilates site. My boyfriend is going out of town this week, so along with cleaning my house a little each night while I'm by myself, I'm going to try and encorperate some of that into my nightly arm exersizes. There's this T Tapps workout too that looks interesting, but those DVD's are going to have to wait until I have some extra funds. I bought the tickets for our trip in April with my last paycheck and I'm a little broke right now, and I'm not being paid while I'm on that trip either, so I need to be prepared for that as well.
Math is fun sometimes. If I lost 2 lbs a week average from this point forward, I'd be at goal by January 27th of '06. If I lose 1 lb a week average from this point forward, I'll be at goal by December 8th of '06. That's a huge difference. I guess based on that hoping to be at 165 by Feb 1 is pretty reasonable. That'd be... 1.3 lbs lost per week between now and then. Which is exactly where I'm at right now! Teehee. Oh, and I measured myself last night. I didn't do this at surgery time, which I really wish I had, but I have my measurements now, so I can watch the inches going forward. I don't have them with me, but I think I'll make a table for them as well.
What a long entry! I guess 50 lbs down warrants that. I'm glad I update this thing each time the scale changes. It's a good place to document things. I hope also that my profile does someone some good. :)
So I'm not exactly sure what's going on with me right now. After my big long 50 lbs down entry I'm back up to 240. (I'm NOT updating my table with this darnit) It happened over just a couple of days too. People are telling me that I'm retaining water, so I have to believe that maybe I always was, and then I didn't for a couple of days and now I am again. Some people think that muscle is filling and fat is coming off, but I don't think I made enough muscle that fast for it to happen like that. I also KNOW I'm not eating enough to have actually gained weight like that, so it's gotta be water somehow. I've thought about taking water pills or whatever, but then I'll just drop and it will come back again if that's what it is, so I don't want to give myself another false sense of accompishment. I'm currently the same damn weight I was on that plateau the whole time. I thought I'd broken it, and was losing weight, but apparently not. It's a bit disheartening.
I'm still working hard though. I've been doing my walks every weekday. I'm not quite as good about my arm weights yet. I forgot to do them yesterday. I think it will help once I have a routine for that. I'm still kind of feeling out different things to target the flabby part of my upper arms... Maybe I should set a routine with what I've been doing and try one new thing a night and if I don't like it fine, and if I do and I can encorporate it. Despite my battle with the scale, I AM apparently changing size. I measured myself the night before my last post, and wrote all the measurements down and did it again last night. There's a few places that haven't changed, but more than have. It's a small change, there was only like a week and a half inbetween measurements. The biggest change is on a place that isn't even in my chart that I posted below. It's the place in between my waist and my hips... my "spare tire" I suppose. It's the place of my body that is biggest around. I've lost 2 inches there so far. Another 2 inches and I'll be able to fit comfortably in those size 18 jeans. I think I'll deal better with not losing pounds as long as the inches keep changing. I'm glad I measured so that i could see the change now. Mom said yesterday "I'm not sure what's going on with your weight, but I swear you look better every time I see you." She commented that perhaps it was that she was used to seeing me bigger and maybe her mind hadn't wrapped around the new smaller me, but that she sees me pretty often so she doesn't think that's it. Measuring myself helps me believe that maybe she is actually seeing a difference. It's just so incredibly frustrating to be working this hard and not getting better results. I mean, the point of the surgery was so that I wouldn't get more unhealthy. I don't have diabetes and my blood preassure has always been fine, etc, but it wouldn't have stayed good for too much longer the way I was going, and now I've probably effectively stopped that in it's tracks... so now all that's left is losing more weight. Don't get me wrong, 40 lbs is nothing to scoff at, but it's been 40 lbs for quite a while now and I really want to see a different number. I'd at least like to have back that 50 that I'd thought I'd lost. I know there's really no chance of making my June goal. I'll keep working and see what I can lose by then, but it's not gonna be 30 lbs.
Umkay. So it's been a really long time since I posted, but I haven't really had anything nice to say on here, so I haven't said anything. I've been bouncing the same 3 lbs since the last time I updated. Today I'm down less than I've been in a while; 237. I'd been bouncing between 240 and 243ish. So seeing a new number is nice. I'm not going to get my hopes up unless it stays that way for at least a week. I'm really really hoping this is the end of this insane plateau, but like I said, I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm afraid of getting excited and being devistated like I was the last time. I've quit walking, but I've started this pilates dvd that my mom gave me. It's like dance aerobics more than anything else. I've definately noticed a change in the shape of my legs, so I'm pretty sure it's working. I can only do about 25 minutes of that now, whereas I was walking for 45 minutes, so it's definately a harder workout. I'm working my way up in time on that though too. Once I can finish the full workout, I'll try the 2nd one that's on the dvd. It's supposed to be the "maximum burn" workout, or something like that. Lessee... Let's be crazy and play with some numbers. If I lose 2 lbs a week between now and my 1 year anniversary, I'll have lost 57 lbs in the first year. That's still within the 1 lb a week average, so I guess that would be ok. If I lost 1 lb a week between now and then I'd have lost 50 lbs total, and that would be just 2 lbs under the average per week, which still isn't too bad. 7 weeks until my anniversary. I think the best way to look at everything is to say that if I had not been banded, I probably would weigh more than 300 lbs right now. I certainly wouldn't be going down by myself, so even maintaining is a good thing at this point considering I could be going up. The frustrating part is that I was maintaining when I wasn't trying, so now that I'm trying so friggin hard I want to be going DOWN darnit! Anyway, I'm going to quit whining now. I'm going to be hopeful that next week I'm going down even more, and that this blasted plateau is over, but at the same time, I'm going to hold on to my reservations just in case...
Alrighty. I'm going to stick my neck out and say that my plateau is officially over. The scale said 233.5 today which is down even more than it was last week. Actually, at this rate, there's a snowballs chance in hell that I'll make my goal of 210 by a month from tomorrow. Not that I'm expecting it. I'd LOVE to bet at 220 though, just as a new marker. Lessee.... almost 5 weeks, 13 lbs... 2.6 lbs per week, eh? We'll see. I *could* make it based on the idea that I seem to drop a bunch, then get stuck, then drop some, then get stuck. I wouldn't mind being stuck at my halfway point... I mean, I would, but halfway would be a better place to be stuck at... lol. This is good though. I'm watching what I eat, and exersizing, so the band isn't doing all the work, which keeps me accountable for my actions. If it was all downhill, I wouldn't learn anything, right? I know that if I were to lose my band tomorrow, I will not have learned enough to maintain or lose by myself. My band enables me to not have an "all or nothing" mentality. Also, my other problem pre band was that I would diet, and people would say they were starting to notice a difference, and for some reason in my brain that meant I was done, and I'd let more and more 'slip in' to my diet until I wasn't dieting anymore. I'm really hoping to be into that pair of size 18 jeans soon. And I found an old size 16 swimsuit from god-knows-when. If I could wear that instead of buying a new swimsuit for Hawaii, that would just be TOTALLY awesome. But I'm getting ahead of myself again, lol.
So then. This post is going to cover alot. First of all, I got into my size 18 jeans on Memorial Day weekend. Yay! I wear them all the time now. I'm bouncing between 230 and 235ish right now. I really have no idea what I should call my weight, but it's a lower bounce than was before, so that is okay I suppose. Obviously I'll never make my previously listed goals, but that's ok too. I'd really like to get into the 220s.
Stress isn't helping. In April my Gramps passed away. He's my granddad on my dad's side. I flew out to Colorado for the funeral. It was good to see everyone. I will say there is definitely something to closure though. I just felt better after the funeral. Anyway... The stress comes from the aftermath. My dad isn't the most trustworthy of people, nor is my Aunt, so I've been trying to find out if anything was due to my sisters and me from Gramps' estate. We got a copy of the will from the court house, but the will refers to a 'Memorandum' that is supposed to actually list out the assets and where they go. We have not been able to get a hold of that. Unfortunately, my dad found out about this last week and is not thrilled. So much so that he's not speaking to Sami or me. (Sami being the middle sister). Jael (the youngest) didn't know that we were looking for that at the time. So after my dad called my sister and yelled at her for a while, she called to tell me. He apparently told her to get her car (that was parked at his house) and never go over there again. I really didn't know what to say to her at the time. I knew I had to call my dad, but I avoided for a little while. I told Jael what Sami and I had been doing and why, etc. She said she understood why we did it, but that we should also understand why dad was so upset.
Here's where it really gets good. Sam goes to get her car, and dad's left out the title, but not the keys. So she had to call him and ask where they were and he said that he'd be home soon and he'd get them for her. He yelled at her and her fiancee for a while, called her some nasty things and then THREW HER CAR KEYS ONTO THE ROOF OF THE HOUSE and went inside and slammed the door. After she told me all of this I knew that I had to call him. So I took a deep breath and called. I knew it wasn't going to go well, but it went alot worse than I though. He asked how he could 'prove his innocense in this matter" and I told him we wanted to see the document that goes with the will. He called me an idiot and told me that a living estate document dies with the person, but I told him that's not what I was talking about, and that it was mentioned specifically in the will. He told me I was a money grubbing B****, and feigned confusion when I told him that this wasn't about money it was about him stealing from his children. He said more nastiness and hung up on me. At this point, I frankly don't care to hear from him for a VERY Long time. The stress and emotions this has caused though are just killer. I don't know if my current extra tightness is related or not, but I'm going this Saturday to have my band checked under flouro and maybe get a little fluid taken out. I have not been able to eat much solid food lately, and I'm either eating too much mushies, or not getting in enough at all, depending on the day. Oh the tangled web... lol
More later as things develop I guess.
Happy Father's Day! I sent my dad a card, but I wont call him today. I don't think he wants to hear from me still. I'm going to mom's house to hang out with her and AJ.
Yesterday I went and saw Dr. Kuri. He didn't say anything about my band looking off, so it seems to be in the right place, which is good. I was worried about a slip with the increasing restriction I was having. I got .3 taken out, leaving me at 1.7. Which is wierd, because at my last fill I was taken to 2.6, so .6 was missing somewhere. lol... fortunately I've read about that happening, so it didn't freak me out. I had a mushy dinner last night of some meat sauce with kielbasa in it, and IT DIDN'T HURT. I didn't have any tightness or pain in my chest at all! I'm hoping that I'm able to start eating more solid protien and that helps me lose weight. When I was driving home yesterday I just had a good feeling like this was a good place to be with my fills. We'll see I guess. :) I picked up some C-light while I was there. They have interesting flavors that I've never seen here. Jamaica is the only one I've tried so far. Apparently it's a flower. It's kind of fruity with overtones of Cinnamon. :P
Oh, and I think I'm officially back to 230 again. I'm very happy about this. :)
So it's been a while. I've FINALLY lost another 2 lbs. I've decided that if I'm going to lose weight, I simply can't eat more than 1300 calories a day. It seems that I have a wide range for calories that will let me maintain, but 1300 or less if I want to lose. It's obviously worked, as I managed to drop 2 pounds. I was doing really really well with my exersizing until I went to Hawaii for a week. Then I never started back up once I stopped. Mike has bugged me about it a little (as he should), but it's just hard. I exersized really solidly for about 5 months, and didn't see ANY results. It's so hard to keep doing that when you aren't seeing any benefit from it. I've thought about starting up my walking again, to at least be doing something. Or maybe riding my bike over the path that I used to walk. It wouldn't be much of a bike ride, but it would be a start. I should quit thinking about it and just get up and do it today... bleah. I hope that at least with my eating less I'll start losing weight more regularly. I've come to peace with the idea that I'm not losing more often than I am losing, but up until now, my body would dip below the average loss (1 to 2 lbs per week), and then drop a few lbs and put me right at 1.3 lbs per week. I've been banded for just over 57 weeks, and lost 52 lbs, so I'm currently at .9 lbs per week. I know that .1 seems terribly petty, but I really want to be in that average again. I only need to lose 5 more lbs, and then 1 more lbs each week it takes that 5 lbs (LOL how convoluded) to be average again. I'm so close, hehe. I was seeing what my BMI would be at going down 5 lbs at a time. When you do stuff like that, it doesn't seem so bad somehow. I guess that's why we have mini goals. Of course, my body TOTALLY blue mine out of the water. Let's see.... back when I thought I hit 230 the first time, I made a bunch of goals, with times on them. Now that I've blown past the first one, and I'm about to pass the second one (time wise, neither have been met), I'm going to re-evaluate these.
My goal for this is June 24th. If I'm on any kind of losing cycle (no possible way of knowing, as I've only just lost 2 lbs), I would like to hit this by December 10th. That's at 1 lb per week from now. That doesn't even count "catching up" to 1 lb per average from the beginning. If by some fluke I begin losing 2 lbs per week, I can be there by October 7th (hey, that's mom's birthday). This is the halfway point from my highest weight.
My goal for this is August 15th. If I remain on a 1 lb per week losing cycle, I can be to onederland by February 24th of '06. If 2 lbs per week, then I can be there by November 18th of '05. haha.
My goal for this is November 15th. If 1 lb per week, then here by July 7th of next year. That will be 100 lbs lost in 2 years almost exactly. If 2 lbs per week, then here by January 20 of '06.
My goal for this is February 1st. If 1 lb per week, then here by November of '06, if 2 lbs per week, then March 31 of '06 (or maybe the 25th, my birthday).
140: Pretty much whenever after that...
So that's what that looks like. But, if any of the above is true, it looks like either way, I'll be below 199 for my sister's wedding in April of '06, so that's a good thing I think. I would hope that weight range would take me down to at least a 14, which was my goal by then anyway no matter what the pounds were. Of course, it's a sleeveless dress and my arms are going to look horrible, but what can ya do? LOL
People talk about having rewards for getting to certain goals and whatnot, and back when I did up the first list of goals, and when I thought I was going to meet them, I had some in mind, but at this point, I'll just be so darn happy to get to where I'm going, that I'm not sure I need to give myself anything extra, lol. I am thinking about getting a hat for myself when I get to 199 though. I found this site that has really cute hats, but I never wear hats, and I can't think of when I'd wear one of these, so I haven't bought one even though I want one anyway. So I figured if I manage to get to onederland, I can use that as an excuse to get one, even if I still don't know when I'll wear it :D.
Oh, and I think I'm officially back to 230 again. I'm very happy about this. :)
So now, I'm 225. 225 is nice :). I've been here since Saturday, which is cool. I haven't even 'bounced' much. 225/226 every day since then. And yes, I am still weighing myself every day like a bad person. I don't know why but it just drives me nuts not to. I guess it's okay now that I'm not letting it base how my day goes. It's just part of my routine now and doesn't have to 'mean' anything, if that makes any sense. Oh yeah, and I bought new jeans yesterday. One pair of size 16's from the Plus Size section, and one pair of size 17's from the Juniors section. Don't ask me why, but even though it's a 17 instead of a 16, I am just so excited to have bought something from the Juniors section. 14 is next. I was hoping to reach that by my sister's wedding in April. It looks like I might have a chance at reaching a 12 by then? *prays* That would just be awesome. My family in CO saw my at almost my highest weight, and then at size 18/20. If next they could see me in a 12 that would just be AMAZING. Counting by sizes is kind of nice too. I try and find the ways to make this seem like the least work. Going from 280 to 140 is ALOT of work, but break it down; 280 > 250 > 230 > 210 > 199 > 180 > 165 > 140 then it doesn't seem so bad. Same with sizes; 24 > 22 > 20 > 18 > 14 > 16 > 12 > 10 that doesn't seem so bad. It seems much more doable and much less frustrating. I had this conversation with a friend earlier today. She was saying how it was going to take her forever to get to goal, and I broke it down for her like I did for myself above. She said "That seems alot easier". Sometimes it's better NOT to think of the "big picture", lol. Anyhow, so getting to 210 is my next goal. I'll be halfway to my final goal, and 11 lbs from onederland.
I'm going to the doctor today for a checkup, and to talk to her about switching birth control. I've heard way too much lately about depo causing weight gain/hindering weight loss. When I started on depo, I went from a 14 to an 18 within 2 years. I never ever even thought about it being the depo contributing to the weight gain (I wont say 'caused' because I was my own cause, but I think it might have helped). Now that I'm trying so hard to lose weight, I'm thinking it may be slowing me down, and I don't need ANYTHING that will do that. So I'm going to discuss options with my doc today and see what I can do. I don't like the idea of taking a pill every day, which is why I was on depo in the first place. I like the idea of the patch, but have heard it is much less effective if you weight over 190. I really would rather have an IUD, but I've read that it's good for "mothers who don't want another child right now" so I dont' know if I can get it, not having been a mother. That would be ideal. We shall see. I'll try to update after my appointment with what I've decided, and then see what happens after that. I'm sure that IF depo is slowing down my weight loss, there's going to be some time it will take to get that stuff out of my system and get used to whatever new I get. Of course I probably wont see or notice a 'difference' in the weight loss. I'm either losing or I'm not, right? Hopefully my plateau history is gone. I'll be fine at 225 for a few more weeks, but hopefully will start losing soon after that. When I AM losing, that's how it happens; few lbs dropped over a few days, then nothing for a few weeks, then a few more lbs over a couple more days. I am totally FINE with that, if that is what's going on. Not fine with not losing for months and months. That's bad :P.
Still bouncin' 225. Bouncing a little higher lately actually, but I'm on my period, so that's that. My new pants still fit, so I'm still ok :D. I've been SO PMS-y lately too. Before it started, I was digging through my fridge and my cupboards for anything chocolate. Even one bite! There was nothing there, lol. Didn't know what that was about. Then my band was all tight, and I started getting worried that I was going to need another unfill soon if it got much tighter. It's not any tighter, but still tight. Then my period started and that all started making sense. lol. All of this sounds funny to most women I'm sure, "like she doesn't know the signs?" but being on depo for about 7 years, I've probably only had 10 or 15 periods in all that time. So while I used to be able to know what day it was going to start, now it's completely and totally random. That will soon change though. On Sunday I start the pill. Dreaded pill taking, lol. But being regular will be nice, even if it means going back to monthly. And I'll know when things are going to start. And my doctor says that this is the pill she prescribes for people who are trying to lose weight. So that's a few points in my favor :). We shall see I guess.
Mom got home from her vacation last night, so I get to go home and sleep in my bed from now on. lol. Oh, and I found out her cats gave my cats fleas. Which is no biggie, easy to take care of, but it explains my younger cat's wierd behavior. We were just getting ready to make an appointment for the vet when my sister found fleas on her cats, so I'm glad I didn't go to the vet to be told my cat had fleas, lol. In my defense, she's a black cat, so I couldn't see them on her. Anyhow, they are all medicated now, so they should be happy again soon. My sister freaked out about the fleas at first. She had visions of when we got lice when we were kids and how horrible that was, but I kept trying to explain to her that they aren't the same thing, and it takes ALOT of fleas to be in one place before they start biting people, and I only ever saw one at a time on any of the cats, so they aren't 'infested' so to speak. She finally got over it and started touching her cats again.
Gosh, what else. Oh, I'm losing my hair. I have been paying ZERO attention to my protien lately, and it's starting to show. My sister mentioned that it looked like it was thinning again (I lost hair a few years ago and the doc said it was stress). I've got to climb on top of that. My hair was just getting thick :(. Oh well, my fault, and I know what I need to do about it. Bowl of rice a meal is not! And I've been eating way too much ramen lately. But it's SO easy, and cheap. And it's only 300 calories per cup o' noodles. Ah the almighty calorie. Stupid things. I've been telling my boyfriend how many calories is in this, or that. We'd been buying these frozen dinners that were 300 and 400 calories each, and I was happy with that, but then we found another brand that was 200 and 300 each, and I was totally excited, but then we got them home and they weren't very good. Mike (bf) said "Well, calories are flavor particles, what did you expect?" I almost fell out of my chair laughing, but in a lot of cases it's just true. I need to start eating tuna fish. A little can of tuna is 90 calories and 20 grams of protien. It really doesn't get better than that as far as protien per calories. 3 cans of tuna for breakfast and whatever else I want for the day right? hahaha. Unfortunately, tuna is dry, even though it's packed in water (how does that work) so by the time i'm done fixin' it up it's not 90 calories anymore, but it's still not too bad. Maybe I'll start buying those Tuna Helper things, but instead of putting the can in the whole thing, I'll put the whole can in my bowl! lol. I'm so sick sometimes. I'm so up and down. I'm sure you can tell even in this post, I'm just all over the place. And I'm not getting any work done either, lol. I'll work really hard later though.. or something. Alright, going now before I start on another useless tangent. :)
Wow, it's been almost a whole month since I updated. Well, as far as weight loss goes, there hasn't been any. The scale bounced up a little, then was down to 224 for this morning, but I don't think it's 'really' there (since I weigh every day and it's always just a little different, I call it 225). We'll see over the next few days if it stays at 224 (or lower, hehe).
The BIG NEWS is that I am ENGAGED!!! I went to Pismo Beach this past weekend for a trip, and he asked me on Friday night. On Sunday we went and picked out my ring and I got it last night! I'm very excited!!!
Now I really gotta get my butt in gear and lose more weight!!!!!!!
Hmmm. Not much to update on unfortunately. Weight hasn't changed. I've been going to the gym since the 12th of October, so that's good. Hopefully it starts making a difference soon. The timing on my next mini goal of 210 was to be there by December 10th. I don't think this is going to happen at this point. That would be 15 lbs in the next 6 weeks. Hopefully I can lose SOMETHING by then tho.. I'd really REALLY like to be below 200 for my sister's wedding. I guess I need to start counting calories again. I'll update when there's more to tell.
It's been a long time. I didn't lose anything from August to April. From April 1 until now I have lost 10 lbs. I started taking Welbutrin for depression, and that helped alot. My sister was married on April 9th. Dad didn't go to the wedding, and isn't talking to Sam at all. She didn't put his name on the invitations to the wedding because he didn't help with any of it, and he took that to mean she didn't want him there. I was supposed to see him for lunch while I was in Colorado, and I was going to tell him that he was being stupid to not go to the wedding, and turning what was a 'fight' into something that could last for life, but he flaked on me and I didn't have a chance to tell him any of that. I still talk to him, but honestly, it's only because I don't have the courage to say what I really want to say to him. I have the card of a councelor on my desk to try and get some help for this, but calling the number hasn't happened yet.... ugh. I've needed counceling for years and have been avoiding it.
Work is good, and I've had some requests for art from people, which has boosted my confidence a bit, and I want to start trying to sell come. I opened a cafe press store, but I haven't put anything into it yet. I used it to print some shirts for my sisters wedding party, and a print for her of a drawing of her and her bridesmaids. I think I looked horrible in my bridesmaids dress, but everyone else says I looked nice.
So I weigh 215 now (I can hardly believe it). So despite the fact that I have not met ANY of my time goals, I've been playing with them again. When I get to 210, I'll be halfway to my original goal of 140 lbs, and I'm honestly hoping to be there in the next couple of weeks. My mom is going to Honduras for 10 days, and I'd really like to be at 210 before she gets back. I am going to Cabo San Lucas in August, and I'd REALLY like to be in Onederland by then. Probably 195 just to be safe. That would be 5 lbs lost between now and say June 15th (just to be nice), 5 more by July 15, then 5+ more by August 15th. Other than right after surgery I haven't lost that much in that amount of time, so I'm really pushing it, but I'm working really hard. I've been below 1500 calories for the last 3 weeks, maybe 4, except for one day I went iup to about 1700, but the next day I only had 550ish (on accident). Lots of days below 1200. I posted a long time ago that I new I had to eat below 1300 on average to lose weight, and I've really known that this entire time, but just really had trouble doing it. Below 1500 daily is decently easy, if I just pay a little attention, but I really have to count to stay around 1300. My sister started taking TrimSpa and said she was losing weight, so I started taking a Hoodia suppliment (it's the main ingredient in trim spa) and that really seems to be helping with the head hunger. There are days when I get hungry and then feel like I've been thinking about food all day, but then I'll look at the clock and it's 1:30 and I had breakfast around 8. It's pretty cool. Fortunately for me, I know with reasonable confidense that even though I have to work harder to lose weight, I can maintain with little to no effort. That alone has been worth every PB or frustration I've experienced with the band. I could always lose weight with hard work before, but when I lost the motivation, I'd gain it all back and then some, but now, I can just pick up where I left off. Of course, I hope I can stay motivated for the next year, because I'd like to be at goal for my wedding in June of 07. I've got my dress designed, and now I really need to find a location. I want to have that picked within the next couple of weeks.
I think that's about it, I can't really think of much else to write about at the moment. I'll try and update more often.