- HEALTH TRACKER
Hillsboro, OR, USA
Post Op - BMI: 57.0
Surgery Type: Lap Band
Member ID: K985654314
Web Site: http://www.geocities.com/becca_mitchk/index.html
Surgeon: Emma Patterson, M.D.
Click here for Becca's surgery support page
Click here for the 09/2002 Reunion Page
Click here for the Lap Band forum
Click here to print Becca's cards
(You can print your own cards, and if you're good at it,
you can help print cards for your friends as well!)
Hi..I am just sitting here in my home and keep looking down at the temperature icon on my tool bar and it says that it is 93 degrees outside. I am so thankful that hopefully this is my last summer at this ungodly size. I actually got a good nights sleep last night knowing that I am on the right path. I am loving my days of relaxation right now. Next week, well that is a different story. I have my sleep study and Providence St. Vincents Hospital in Portland on the 9th floor (and I am afraid of heights). I have to be there at 9 p.m. and hopefully it will go well. I am not sure if I have sleep apnea or what but I do know that I snore. Then on Thursday, both my husband and myself have appointments with our PCP. Diabetes follow up and I have to have an EKG because I am on Meridia while I await my surgery. Then that evening we have a support group meeting with the Lap Band support group. I am looking forward to seeing what others have been through and how their weight loss has been. Today I got adventurous and did some shopping. I bought 4 4 paks of Atkins ready to drink protein shake. I also bought some pure protein bars and some snacky type stuff that is full of protein and very little fat. I started my doctors preop diet today and actually had tuna with salsa in it instead of mayo and it was really good! I am so glad that I am finally on my road to wls. Even my diabetes is falling into line. I have been no higher than 109 today and that is making feel like this is going to be a really good thing for me. Until next time..God Bless
Tomorrow is my sleep study. I am very nervous about this. Am I going to be able to sleep in a place other than my home? What will they find? How horrible am I going to look in the morning? I worry about my dignity through all this. But hopefully this is among the last times I will have to worry about
Update on me! I went to my sleep study on the 18th and freaked out! I was so bad about it that they maybe got an hour in on the test before I had to go home. I have rescheduled it for July 27th and my husband is going with me so that I can relax and have it done this time.
I had my EKG done at Dr. Biemers office yesterday and it came out normal! So my heart is good to go.
When I met with Dr. Patterson on the 11th, I had lost another 7.5 pounds since I had seen Dr. Biemer. Well I saw him yesterday and I had lost another 4.5 pounds! I am thrilled. I am finally getting this right!
We went to my first Lap Band meeting last night and it went really well. I was hoping to have surgery by Labor Day but I will take it whenever I can get it. I keep telling myself that this is the last diet that I will ever put myself on. I just redid my bmi calculator and I am down to 72.7! So a little bit goes along way.
This is a nice way to start the summer
Take care and God Bless.
Good morning everyone! I got the best thing in the mail on Saturday! I ordered "Making The Journey Together", the book that is offered here to read what others thought as they made their journey from research to post op. I must recommend it as reading material for anyone that is even remotely interested in this surgery. Every doctors office should have copies available for their patients. It is one thing to hear how the surgery might affect you from your doctors point of view, but to hear how others feel gives me validations to my own fears, hopes and dreams for how much this will change my life. My husband is reading it too so that he knows that what I am going through is normal and to be expected. It was the best 7.00 that I could have spent. I pray that all those that are going through surgery this week cross over to the losing side with minimal pain and discomfort and I hope that anyone that is looking for information find all that they are looking for here. I wish you all a great day and blessings to all.
Hi Everyone, just thought that I would let you all know that I am hanging in here..trying to stay cool and not worry about all the changes that I am about to make in my life. Surgery is a scary thing for me to think about, but I know that this is the time for me to get healthy for me. If it were to be my time to go to heaven then that is how it is meant to happen. I am working with my husband in order to get all of the legal things handled before, just in case. But I am going to be going into this surgery with the mindset that I will have a new and much more fulfilling life after. It is not an easy decision and it is one that I think about all the time. But God gave me a second chance at love and I know that he wants me to take this second chance at life. It is a tool. I am learning what to do with it. Everything I do now, I do one day at a time. God Bless..
July 15, 2002~~
I received this today and I thought that it was something that I would share with all of you. I hope that it brightens someones day. God Bless!
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.
If Walmart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you're great
has thought about you today!..
"And that person was me.".....
Please don't keep this message
to yourself.....send it to those
who mean so much to you.... "NOW"..
Wednesday, July 17, 2002~~
Good Morning. I received this in my email and wanted to share it with all of you. I hope that you are having a great day! God Bless!
If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
The thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
Well the second time is the charm for me. I had my sleep study last night. I was very fortunate in that my husband, Mitch, was able to stay with me for the night while I had it done. I do have sleep apnea. Is that such a surprise? Now I have to call my doctor again on Monday to go over how he might want me to use a bi pap. A bi pap has two different levels of oxygen when you breathe in and out. It was weird using it last night but I have to admit that it helped. So now I have all of my preop testing done. I am hoping that my doctor gets the report this week and sends it off to Dr. Patterson and she can have it submitted to my insurance for approval. So now I am in the waiting game, but we have all been here. So I bide my time and make sure that I read the board every day for my fix and drink my protein and keeping my sanity until I get a date! :) God Bless
Thursday, August 15, 2002~~
I am officially in the waiting phase. All of my preoperative testing is finished. I found out yesterday that my letter for surgical preapproval has gone to my insurance company. I did not know that I was even in the line for my things to go to my insurance company. The stress sometimes is getting to be a bit much. I am trying so hard not to gain even one pound per my surgeons instructions. It is so hard sometimes to read about people who eat to oblivion before their surgery. It makes me wonder if you are aware of how hard your surgeon is going to be working to save your life? You will be able to eat again but in moderation. Sorry just a mini vent. I am supposed to hear tomorrow from the office what the decision is from my insurance company. I hope that I have this soon. I hate sitting here watching life pass me by. I want my life back with my husband. I desperately want to be healthy again. If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading this! God Bless one and all! Until next time
Sunday August 25, 2002
Good Sunday Afternoon, I am just trying to find ways to keep myself occupied while I wait to see if Cigna is going to approve my surgery. I saw my Primary Care Doctor last Tuesday and I must be doing something right, because in the last month I have managed to lose another 19 pounds. Now I am down 20 of the 25 pounds that my surgeon would like me to lose before surgery. I am trying so hard to be upbeat about this journey. I thought that the testing was the hardest part of all this, now I know differently. The waiting is sso nerve wracking and trying. My husband has been wonderful through all of this. I know that I have been testy at best, downright cranky at worst. But he loves me and he knows that this is going to be one of the biggest things that I have ever done for myself. Surgery like this has so many ramifications. It is a step that I do not take lightly. I know all the risks and all the possible benefits. I keep telling myself that this will happen in the time that it is supposed to, but the waiting can be so hard. I am proud of myself for making it this far and I know that it will all be worth it in the long run. This is an awesome place to come and write down how I feel and know that there are many out there that have felt the same way. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be healthy. I want to be healthy enough to have a child with my husband. I want to live a long, long life with him. I know that this tool will help me to accomplish this change of life for me. I hope that everyone is having a blessed weekend and keep looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem faint at times, but it is there. God Bless
Sunday,September 1, 2002...
Good afternoon. Well, it is a new month. New update. My wonderful husband called my insurance company for me on Friday. He was told that my application was still in nurse's review and hopefully we should hear something on Tuesday. I wish that I could be excited about this, but with all that I have already been through with them, I am not holding my breath. I do know that if there is not a response on my surgeon's voice mail on Tuesday morning, she is going to call them and try to figure out what is happening and what is taking so long. It is not like I have not been compliant with all that was requested of me. But I have learned that this insurance copany has a history of being very difficult to deal with. But I believe that I will prevail. It might not be easy,nor pretty, but I will come out on the other side of this with an approval. I spent over half my life doing everything for everyone else, that it is just time that I do something for me. I a taking the time for me to get healthier. I hope that everyone has a great Labor Day weekend. One more day of worrying and not sleeping, then hopefully there will be a resolution to this. God bless.
Monday, Labor Day, September 2, 2002~~
I really should check my voice mail. Yesterday morning, my husband and I received a call from a cell phone number that we didn't recognize, so we thought if it was important they would leave us a message and we would get back to them. At first there was not a message. Well this morning, I was checking to see if Cigna, had by some miracle made a decision on my surgery. When I picked up the phone and turned it on, there was that familiar beeping telling me that we had a message. I immediately thought how did we miss a phone call since we have been home for the majority of the weekend? So I play back the message and it was from my surgeon's office. The surgeon's patient coordinator was on the message. It appears that Cigna called very late in the afternoon on Friday (after 4:30 p.m.) asking for my surgeon's customary fees for this surgery. Why exactly they want this I have no idea, except maybe for the fact that I am looking at having the adjustable lap band as opposed to the other types of surgery that her office offers. I think that this is the best way for me to go at my present size. I hope that this meant that they are finally taking my case seriously and are about to make a decision. The coordinator is going to call them first thing tomorrow morning to find out exactly what they are looking for. May this finally be the good news that I have been praying for. I don't think that I would have ever come this far or been able to have held out so much hope that this is the tool that I need to become healthier and more physically fit. To all of us that are preops or are waiting for approval or trying to decide if this is for you, take your time. This is a big step that we take. Don't take it lightly. It will and does affect every other aspect of your lives. Do all the soul searching and researching that you need. Ask questions. I did and I am so ready to take this leap of faith to the other side. God Bless and Good luck to all of you know matter where you are on this journey. Lean on those that love you and the friendships that you make here and we will all get through this together.
Thursday, September 12, 2002~~
Good Afternoon everyone! It has been a very busy few days for me. I wish that I had more to update, but really I am just in a holding pattern awaiting my surgery date to arrive. I have whats left of three days and a wake up call and then I will be starting my way to a new, healthier life. I know that this is a tool and I have to do my part to make it work for me. I have ordered all liquid stuff that I will need for the first three weeks after surgery. I think that I made a lot of good choices, in picking out juices, milk, soup, yogurt, broth. I have a huge order into VitaLady to be delivered as soon as I am home from the hospital. I think that I am going to be as prepared as I can be. Mitch is going to be taking the next week off at the least. We will have to play the second week by ear as to how I feel and how I am getting around. I received my scale today and I am holding steady at where I am now. At least I am not gaining anymore. I have to say that I couldn't have done any of this without the love of my wonderful husband. He has put so much of the things that he likes to do on hold for me. I am so grateful and know that I am loved like I have never been loved before in my life. I hope that everyone is doing well and I will be here for another 3 days and then it is off to the lighter side! God Bless!
My stats to date:
Highest Weight: 496
Preop Weight: 460 -36
10/17/02: 436 -60 (Office Visit)
10/25/02: 431 -65 (Office Visit PCP)
10/31/02: 426 -70 (Office Visit-Surgeon)
12/05/02: 416 -80 (Office Visit-Surgeon)
01/23/03: 409 -87 (Office Visit-Surgeon)
02/06/03: 401 -95
02/27/03: 398 -98 (Office Visit-Surgeon)
03/06/03: 396 -100
03/21/03: 391 -105
04/09/03: 389 -107
09/24/03: 378.5 -117.5
~Saturday, September 21, 2002~~
I can't believe that it has been almost a week since I had my surgery. I am feeling wonderful. I am down 8 pounds from surgery and I am eating and sleeping as well as can be expecting. It is so weird to be so full so fast. I am trying to get all of my water in every day but it is not easy. I am making sure that Iam getting the 30 grams of protein that my surgeon recommends. I have to say that I love creamy tomato soup! I have to thank so many people for going before me and giving me the confidence to know that I am able to do this. Thank you one and all. I especially have to thank my husband for being there with me for every step of this journey. I could not have done this without your unconditional love and support. God Bless everyone, no matter where you are on this journey.
~~Monday, September 23, 2002~~
Good Monday morning,
I am feeling amazingly well. I can't believe that it has been one week since I had my surgery. I feel so good. I am sleeping well at night and getting in my protein. I am still struggling to get in all of my water but I am working on it. If anyone were to ask me my personal take on having this surgery, I would have to say that this is a very personal choice, but from my perspective, I would say try to do this. Your health is so worth it. I am ensuring that I am going to have a longer, healthier life with my husband and hopefully we will have children down the road. I think that this was definitely the right thing for me. I have to tell you that I had my first bout of wanting something that I can't. My husband made microwave popcorn and it smelled so good and I wished that I could have some and had to remove myself from the room while he ate it. I didn't mean to make him feel guilty for having it but I know that he did and that was never my intention, but he knows that I am only human. One day at a time. But I am doing great and that is all that matters. I will keep you all posted on how I am doing!
~~Monday, September 30, 2002~~
Good Monday Morning!
I can't believe that it has been two weeks since my surgery! I feel wonderful. No problems, no complaints. I am learning what it means when I am very full. I am upping my protein in the morning because I feel so much better when I have more protein. I am getting in all of my water and eating my soup. I would do this again in a minute. I am learning what protein works for me and what does not. I have had issues with some foods that I would really like to have but cannot at this time, but my husband has been wonderful in helping me to find other things to do to curb the feelings. I am doing a lot of furniture stenciling and reading and of course if you know me, shopping on line. I have to tell you one good point of having this surgery, I can fit behind the wheel of my car and not have to use the seatbelt extender. It is nice to know that I can do things for myself and not have to depend wholly on my husband. My car is in the shop for a few days and I am getting around in my husband's SUV but I hate driving that dinosaur so I let him cart me around. I even went to Fred Meyer and shopped with him to get a few things for our home last night. I went to the craft store on Saturday and spent way too much but I need the distraction until I get to go in to my surgeon for my post op appointment. They cancelled the one that I had for next week and rescheduled me for the 17th of October so I won't have an official weight until then, but I am still going to go by my scale here at home and then adjust as necessary. I am proud of what I am doing and I want to share it! Thank you for all being there for me and I hope that I can do the same for those coming through the ranks! God Bless and have a great day!
Saturday, October 5, 2002
I am now down 59 pounds since May and 25 pounds since surgery! I love my Adjustable Lap Band! I have gone from drinking what must have been a 12 pack a day of Lemon Diet Coke, to drinking none. That is not to say that I have completely given up my caffeine. I have now made my addicted the Diet Snapple Teas. I love the Lemon, Peach and Raspberry. I tried the Lime Green Tea and it just isn't for me. I am getting in all of my protein every day. I am finding new soups and stews that can be pureed. I have noticed that I am not going for quantity in food anymore. I want quality. I am barely getting between 600-700 calories a day. Food just isn't an important aspect in my life like it used to be. I am focusing more on how I feel. I am sleeping better and longer before I have to get up to go to the bathroom. Believe it or not I was back to sleeping on my waterbed the first night that I was home from the hospital. I just tucked a pillow under my abdomen where I had the surgery. The warmth from the water made my muscles relax more than any pain medicine could have ever done. I am still taking it easy on myself. I tend to forget that I had major surgery almost 3 weeks ago. My body does tell me when I need to rest and I have begun to listen. I hope that those who are on the fence or are scared about having weight loss surgery, take it from me, I was the biggest chicken. I backed out once. Hindsight being 20-20, knowing what I know now, I would have done it in a NY minute. To all those that are still in the process of being approved, though the journey may seem endless, it is so worth it! This is life altering and so worth the wait! To the post ops, I thank you all for your stories and experiences, because they all educated me on what to expect, so I was not as scared. I hope that everyone is having a great weekend! God Bless!
Monday, October 7, 2002
It has now been 3 weeks since my surgery. I am still in awe of myself that I actually done this. I wish that I had done it sooner. I am not sure if this is because of how I feel right now, or knowing that I am on the way to a much healthier life. I am kind of feeling retrospective today. It too so many years of emotional and verbal abuse for me to get to this state. I never knew that I had what it took to finally take the time to do this for me. I have come a long way to get to where I am today. I took a risk that I would not recommend to another unless you knew what you were going to and that you could take care of yourself. I left my first husband in October of 1999 and moved from my home state and crossed America to the west coast with 750.00 in my pocket. No job, no where to live, and no friends. But I knew that I had to do this for me. I met a wonderful circle of friends and found a job and a home and started over. It was not easy and at times it was scary to know that I had no one to depend on but me. But then I met the man that I am married to. He was there for me for a lot of the hardest parts of my life. He was there for me when I had to file divorce against my ex, he was there for all the harassing phone calls and mail, he was there for the long days we waited to find out if he had been served, since he did all that he could to avoid it. Mitch was with me when I had to fly back and go before the judge, worrying every minute if my ex was going to do something to disrupt the proceedings. But in 7 minutes, my whole life changed. In 7 little minutes, I went from feeling like a doormat, to a person who knew that she was stronger than I had ever given myself credit for. Mitch has built me up every minute of every day that we have been together. I know that life is a series of lessons that we all have to learn. I had to go through the bad times in order to have the love and life that I have now. I have had so much love and support as I have gone through this journey than I have ever known in my life. I really don't know what to do with it at times, but I let it wash over me and know that this is the life that we all deserve. I never used to have a close relationship with God, but I know now, that He was watching over me, even when I made questionable decisions. God gave me a wonderful, loving and compassionate husband. I am glad that I got a second chance at life and love and health and I am going to make the most of every day of the rest of my life. I am going to be stopping into the surgeon's office to get weighed on Wednesday before I go to my nutritionist's office. I want the official validation of all the effort that I am putting into this new way of life. My life is so good now. Take the chance and make the leap of faith. You will never be sorry that you did. Take it from someone that had so many doubts, both real and perceived, if you want this take the chance.You are worth it! God Bless!
Monday, October 14, 2002
Hi. It has been 4 weeks since I have had my surgery. I am now on to another phase of my post op diet. I am on to soft solid foods like chicken, tuna, cheese, yogurt, oatmeal, that sort of thing. I am meeting with my surgeon on the 17th at 2:15 to see how I am doing. This will be my first post op appointment with her. I'm anxious to see how I am doing. I am sure that I am doing well.
I had a busy weekend with my husband. Went grocery shopping, not ordering it off of the internet. I actually walked through the store with my husband. Then on Sunday, we went to church, something that in the past I would have avoided like the plaque. But it was so nice to be there with my husband. I am such a loved woman.
It has been an emotional week for me. I am not sure why, but I know that it happens to the best of us and I am taking my life on step, one meal, one anything at a time. I have lots of books to read, crafts to do, and people like you to talk to. You have all been a lifeline to me. Thank you.
Another update coming on Thursday!
Thursday, October 17, 2002
I had my first post op visit today and I am down 24 pounds since surgery. And 58 pounds since May 2002! I am in the half century club! I had to wait quite awhile in the office since my surgeon is double booked today but it is so worth it!
Have a great day!
Monday, October 21, 2002
It has been 5 weeks since surgery. I am feeling wonderful! I went out to lunch with a bunch of friends this weekend and had a great time! I stepped on my scale here at home and it shows that I am down to 430 (in my birthday suit!). So I am thrilled with how this new tool is working for me. I am learning about what I can eat and can't and how my body reacts to it. Every day is a new experience for me.
My husband has moved my recumbent bike into the livingroom so that I can use it. I am not sure how much I am going to be able to do but any amount of exercise that I can do will be a good effort.
We are going out to dinner this Friday with a really good friend and her husband. She is going to be having her surgery on the 28th. I am so thrilled for her.
I know that a lot of us are really gung ho about this surgery after we have it. However, I would be uncomfortable approaching someone and giving them a card telling them about the surgery that I had. I would rather have them approach me, then I would be more than willing to discuss it with them.
I hope that everyone is having a good day and no matter where you are in this journey, remember it is so worth it in the long run. Anything that is worth doing is worth doing right!
Friday, October 25, 2002
I have lost another 5 pounds! I am down 29 pounds since my surgery and 65 from my highest weight ever! I am thrilled! My doctor is astounded. I get to go see him again in January of 2003. He is loving my blood sugar levels, and I am coming way down on my insulin. Sleeping so much better and overall just loving this new life.
My new goal for myself is to try to hit 400 by the 1st of January 2003! I can do this!
Going to dinner with one of my very good friends tonight that is having her surgery on Monday. I wish her all the best. Take care of yourselves and another update will come on Halloween when I see my surgeon!
Thursday, October 31, 2002
Just got back from seeing my surgeon and I am down another 5 pounds. So I am down 34 since surgery and 70 since May 2002. I am 30 pounds from the century club! I am really looking at that as a goal for the first of the year! I next see my surgeon on December 5th!
Have a great day everyone! God Bless
Monday, November 11, 2002
8 weeks today. Wow the time goes by so fast. I will be two weeks out on the 16th and I am down 40 pounds since surgery. 76 since May of 2002. I feel fantastic. I am getting in all of my protein and fluids and feel like I have a whole new lease on life. I have to say that for me this has been the best thing that I could have ever done. I would recommend it to anyone that would ask me. I have a great husband that loves me for me and would go to the end of the earth for me. I am a very loved wife. I am so blessed. I have my life back and have so much to be grateful for this holiday season. I have my health back. It is something so precious that I am going to work my hardest to acheive all of my goals! God bless you all no matter where you are in the journey!
Sunday, November 17, 2002
Hi everyone! Glad to let you know that I am 2 months post op yesterday! I am down 43 pounds since surgery and 79 since May of 2002! I feel fantastic. I am learning every day how to best use my tool for optimum impact on my health. I have already been out shopping with my husband for Thanksgiving. I did treat myself to a gift today. I am eating so little food that on a regular dinner plate it looks too funny and makes me feel like I want more to eat. So we bought some little salad plates since I eat about what would best fit on that plate. I have 21 more pounds to make my first 100 pounds off. I am hoping that I make this goal by New Years Day 2003! Keep the faith no matter where you are in this journey, it is so worth it! God Bless and have a great day everyone!
Monday, December 16, 2002
It has now been three months since my AGB. I feel fantastic. My husband has taken more photographs of me. It will be a nice way to see and track my progress. I am amazed that I have been able to do this. It has not always been easy but it is one of the best things that I could have ever done for myself. I would do this again in a minute. I have a lot more to lose but I will get there in the time and fashion that is right for me. The Christmas holiday is coming up and it will be the first year that I know that I will not gain a pound. I work very hard at this and have lots of love and support. I am a very lucky woman to have all of this in my life. I can only hope that everyone else is having a great day!
Thursday, January 9, 2003:
Not a lot to say at this point. It is a new year and I am so glad that I had this surgery. I have gone from a size 8x to a 4x in most clothes. I am not losing as fast as some and faster than others. I am happy with my progress. It is the first time in my life, I think that I have gone for almost 4 months without the scale going up. I don't think that I have ever been able to say that in my life. What a strange concept for me to get my head around. My life these days is one step at a time. I am trying not to fixate on the scale. I may not be losing weight at this point but I know too that I am not gaining. I just feel like sometimes something is missing for me. Like I expected this to be easy. Nothing about this journey is easy. I will never say that. But I am learning to love me for me. I will never be the perfcet size or be beautiful, but I am beautiful to those that love me for me. I am grateful for the love of my husband. He thinks that I am the most beautiful woman on the planet. I am in awe that this man can love me with all my flaws. He has taught me that I have to live life in the moment that we have, because when you think of it, our lives can end when we least expect it. So I am taking this life for all that it is worth. I am going to Curves on Monday with the woman that I angeled for when she had her RNY. We are going to be workout buddies. Another thing that I never thought that I would do, is take my butt into a gym. But I have to move and I think that the structure of Curves might be just what I need. I think that working with Cindy will help keep me motivated when I feel that things are crawling along at a snails pace. I know that I am rambling, but I will get where I need to be. One day. We are all here for each other and we only get there if we work together. No one has to go through this life changing journey alone. Reach out and ask someone-anyone and they will gladly show you the way until you reach your destination. Part of !
me is paying it forward, there were a lot of great people there for me all through my journey and now I have had the opportunity to give back. I am glad that I can. It helps me to feel even better about myself. I hope that you know that we are all one big family here at AMOS, and even though there are days when we all might not see eye to eye, we are family none the less and we are here for each and everyone of you! Thank you for taking the time to read my long, rambling post, but please know that no matter where you are in this journey, hang tough and fight for this, BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!! Blessings until next time!
January 16, 2003,
I am now 4 months post op. Doing well. On a plateau of sorts, but I am not worrying about it. I joined Curves on Monday and have been there 3 out of the last 4 days. Going again tomorrow. Who would have thunk it? Me at a gym, but hey with this anything is possible. I may huff and puff, but I get through the circuit. I also cut my hair. Short and cute. Something new. I am down from an 8x to a 4x in most clothes, so I am doing something right! I would do this again. 4 months post op and still have not had a fill. Feel fantastic. I even had to put yarn on my wedding ring and engagement ring to make them fit. It works for me! Please know that this is a journey worth taking. It may seem long and hard and at times you may want to throw in the towel, but please hang tough. You will be so amazed at what you are able to accomplish. I am learning everyday new things about me and it is astonishing to see that I have more strength both physically and mentally than I ever thought. This is worth it. You are worth it!
Feb. 17, 2003
I received this from a really good friend today. It speaks volumes.
Today I will be present at my own life. I will not view
my life as a spectator sport, I will take risks, cultivate
eccentricity, even live dangerously. In short, I am getting
closer to being myself. My life is worth living, and I can
be proud of it.
What I do today is important, because I am exchanging a day
of life for it. To bring about a healthy self-image, I must
assume control of my destiny and become a person who makes
My life is where this action starts. As I actively start
making changes in my life, I will start to feel good about
myself. As I express my talents and capabilities, I am
allowing the expression of my perfect self. I live my life
Feb. 22, 2003
I received this from a friend so I am posting it to share:
Building on Mistakes
The price I must pay for any knowledge is to discover it for
myself. I must learn my own lessons - I must make my own
mistakes. I must pay my own consequences. The knowledge
that I gain presents me with a challenge. I can choose to
remain where I am and stagnate or I can choose to grow.
My goal is to be able to look at myself and feel good about
my achievements and my mistakes. I understand that the
choices I have made are neither good nor bad, but wise or
unwise. I can neutralize feelings of guilt and shame when
I realize that past inadequacies were dependent upon my
particular state of awareness at that time.
When I look back at past situations with newly-acquired
awareness, I wonder how I could have been so naive or
unintelligent. I will treat myself kindly today as I
realize that I was not as aware then as I am now.
Today I accept that my life is, to date, the best that I
can accomplish. I will continue to improve as I grow in
success and in wisdom.
Monday, Feb. 24, 2003
Here is another affirmation I recieved:
The concept of letting go is difficult to grasp. When my
home life was chaotic, I tried everything in my power to
control what I could. When my home life was rigid, I was
taught that to be out of control was disastrous. To conceive
of letting go of things over which I have no control sounds
good, but what does it mean?
To let go and let a higher power take over doesn't mean
I give up. Rather, it means that I do the best I can.
It means that I don't have to control the outcome of every
event. Letting go is a positive act of faith. It is
releasing the idea that I must carry the whole load and
the whole weight of responsibility for anyone or anything.
I feel a great sense of relief in knowing that I have only
to do my part, to take responsibility for my own actions.
I take it easy today and relax my hold on the fine art of
never giving up. Trusting and relaxed, I surrender.
I listen to my inner wisdom for help in all situations.
I allow my inner wisdom to let me know what I need to do.
When there is a flow between my head and my heart, I make
wise decisions. But I must open myself more fully to the
voice of my inner wisdom. I must quiet the noise and clamor
within, so that my inner wisdom can be heard.
Each day I increase my ability to act in ways that promote
good and healthy results. I do not allow my fear of what
others might think pressure me into acting against my own
Today I handle my affirs wisely and with confidence.
Feb. 25th, 2003..from a friend..
I deserve to live this day triumphantly. Today I choose to
experience joy as I keep my heart and mind open to wonderful
I approach all projects today with confidence and faith in
my success. Whether a small project or a great undertaking,
I will finish each task and know my success is assured.
I will silence all remarks of failure and realize that these
are voices from the past. They have no bearing on my life
I have the ability, as a spiritual being, to assume control
over my life. Within me exists Divine potential to meet
each day joyously with faith in my success.
Feb. 26th, 2003
These are wonderful thoughts that are being shared with me so I am making them a partof my life and way of thinking...
ract loving experiences
into my life. I desire it, I deserve it, and I am able to
I release all beliefs that keep these experiences from me.
Thoughts of competition, jealousy or rejection have no place
in my consciousness today. Past or present hurts do not have
the power to exclude me from the Divine activity of love. I
release all people in my life from the burden of having to
make me feel securely loved. I am liberated from false needs
to defend myself.
When I remove my armor, people feel safe in my presence and
are free to love me. I am free to love. This freedom is
communicated to all of those around me.
Today I celebrate my expanding capacity to love and be loved.
March 1, 2003
A new month, a new post from a friend...
ntion to themselves,
though winter is coming to a close. I am mindful of all
the unpleasant aspects of this most unfriendly of seasons.
Some memories of my unhappy childhood still linger within
me, blowing icy blasts through my soul. I am aware of
these currents, just as I am aware of the chill in the
world around me.
There is no longer a need to struggle against these elements,
for I have a new and abiding warmth in my soul. I am as
unique and important to life's scheme as each snowflake.
I am as content and patient as the roots of the great trees
in the forest are, and I know full well that the warmth,
sunshine and fresh breezes of spring will rejuvenate me.
Today I am aware of the abiding warmth and love in my soul
patiently awaiting the coming of spring.
March 2, 2003...froma my good friend..
become willing to let go of
my pain. Pain will still exist for me, but letting go means
that I can bear my pain without fear that I will be absorbed
or consumed by it.
Today I no longer identify myself solely with my pain.
I enter this day with a deep knowing that there is more to
life than the pain I own. I know now that my pain is truly
mine. I am no longer possessed or controlled by it. My
anxiety dissolves as I realize that my pain will not kill me.
Today I know that I will survive. All the torn pieces of me
are coming together as I acknowledge my own healing power.
My pain is no longer in charge of me.
Today I am once again in charge.
Monday, March 3, 2003...
Another from a friend...
At this moment I still the anxieties of my hurried thinking
and center on that quiet place within me. In this quiet
place, great spiritual ideas are revealed. I accept them
and follow through on them. I take this moment to rest
from my usual concerns and take a deep breath and fill my
spirit with peace.
For the moment, I relax from all fear, worry, and doubt.
In this calm peace, I find a healing power that sets my
consciousness free to create positive beliefs and feelings.
This calmness will prevail throughout my day.
I begin this day knowing that all negative interference
in my thoughts is dissolved. I am at one with the love of
God and this love will spill over into my relationships,
my business affairs, my health and my well-being.
March 4 ~ Play
I take delight in play today, knowing that I have a right to
pursue pleasurable activities. I deserve to enjoy myself in
a non-destructive way. I will no longer become so focused on
outside activities that I ignore my own need for fun and
laughter. I will not be over-responsible for others and
under-responsible for myself.
I can play and have fun without becoming overwhelmed with
guilt or anxiety. I can pursue people and situations
where I can coax the delightful "child" out of my soul.
Today I will separate myself from my responsibilities
and know that I am not defined only by what I do.
March 5 ~ Needs
I base my decisions on my needs today. I am learning to be
sensitive to the changes I'm going through in recovery. I'm
learning to be flexible with my new needs and patterns. What
was appropriate for me yesterday may no longer work in my life
I feel free to experiment with new styles of behaving, thinking
and feelings. The changes I am going through may not be
permanent. I know only that if these changes are helpful now,
I will use them.
As I learn about myself, I test and question my old patterns
and my old values. I evaluate what feels good and what doesn't.
Since I am the only expert on what feels good to me, I will
base my decisions on my needs.
Today I treat myself with kindness and patience.
I value my own specialness, and I dare to reveal it. Since
the universe expresses itself through the differences in
all of creation, I choose to acknowledge my own uniqueness.
My inner self speaks through the nonconformity that I am.
Today I applaud nonconformity and the differences within
I am free of the need to please others or to conform what
they are. When I am true to myself, I easily and lovingly
express my own opinions and beliefs without fear of rejection.
My self worth is not on the line when I recognize the
uniqueness in myself and others. I do not have to agree
with everyone, and everyone does not have to agree with me.
Belief in my differentness allows me to understand those
who do not understand me.
I praise my uniqueness and wear it proudly.
March 7, 2003...
Well yesterday I made a personal goal that I had set for myself. I have lost 100 pounds since May of 2002. I lost 36 pounds prior to my surgery in September of 2002. I had lost 64 pounds since. Today I stepped on my scale and I have lost another 2 pounds! I am thrilled to say the least. This is the best gift I could have ever given to me. I also made it to the gym for 5 straight days this week. A first for me! I wish everyone the best no matter where you are in this journey that we are all on together.
March 8, 2003
I am the main motivating force in my life. Day by day I
initiate the changes that free my emotions and enable my
personality to unfold. I am the actor, not the reactor.
I am comfortable with initiating changes in my life.
Growing up with an alcoholic in the family, I came to dread
change. Change brought uncertainty, insecurity and emotional
pain. I sought solace in routine and convention. Now, as an
adult in recovery, I thrive on change and I fearlessly initiate
change which challenges me to grow and supports my healthy
I am at peace with the inner world of my being and with the
outside world of people and circumstance. Thoughts and actions
proceed from me with power and knowledge.
I am the only one who knows what's best for me. The choices
I make will inspire the actions I choose. I am the one to act.
My Higher Power guides my decisions and helps me carry them out.
March 9, 2003
I will open myself to risk and to surprise. Like all journeys,
the quest for self-knowledge can bring strength and illumination.
I have confidence. I will accept both my power and my needs.
I will recognize that my strength comes from caring and
nurturing myself, and from caring and nurturing of others.
I will reflect on those I love and know that I, too, am loved.
I bask in the warmth of this knowledge.
I have needs and I am an important person. I will not be
diminished, but will grow deep, take root, and cultivate
power. As I search, I will discover and revel in the many
facets of my inner strength.
March 11, 2003
I remind myself today that I am a unique individual with
much to offer. If I have not yet discovered my uniqueness,
at least I am enjoying the quest. What keeps me from
discovering my uniqueness? I find that the journey stalls
only when I get in my own way.
Do I constantly compare myself with others? If I fall into
this trap, I will stop and be thankful for the gifts I possess.
I will gently remind myself that I am not in a contest with
others. Rather, I am on a journey of self-discovery.
Do I envy others for their gifts and wish I were them?
This is a waste of time and energy, leading to frustration
and dissatisfaction. I realize now that I have within me
all I need for full expression of my uniqueness.
I will not shame myself for falling into those traps. I have
come a long way on my spiritual journey, and I will not be
discouraged. I have changed, and I will continue to change,
as I seek and discover the uniqueness that is me.
I look toward the future and see only good.
The choices I see before me are hopeful. The future holds
a variety of opportunities for growth and fulfulling
When I step back and conduct an inventory of my total
life situation, the problems I have don't seem out of
proportion. No situation I encounter is unbearable.
If I am experiencing pain, I know that it won't last
forever. I feel calm and assured when I realize that
the major areas of my life are already ok and healthy.
Seeing the wonderful opportunities ahead in the future
makes me feel less trapped. I am no longer a helpless
child stuck in a hopeless environment. I am a capable
adult and I view the future with excitement and a sense
of growing competence. Today I look forward to the
future and I will expect only good.
I AM UNIQUE
There is no one to compare myself to and no one to
compete with. When I know I am doing my very best,
I am satisfied. All notions of better or worse dissolve.
When I come in contact with others, I can admire their
beauty and wisdom without disminishing my own.
For years I have wished for a different body, a different
personality, a different life. Now I know what a waste
of time this is. I awaken to my inner beauty, and I realize
my own magnificence.
Today I clearly see that there is no one to compete with,
there never was. When the orchid and the rose are side
by side, is one more perfect than the other?
I am coming to see how extraordinary and incomparable
I am. I am lovable and wonderful and unique just as I am.
March 20, 2003
In the morning when I arise, I will begin life anew.
I approach this day with a fresh outlook. Today does
not need to be a rerun, nor does it need to be a stale
repetition of yesterday's unhappiness. Yesterday's
stresses belong to yesterday.
I trust my Higher Power to guide me toward letting go
of all that I cannot control. I see that my life stresses
stem from many events I cannot control, and from my
automatic reactions to decisions made by others.
Today I start again, fresh, renewed. I will separate
from yesterday's burdens and I will allow positive energy
to flow through me as I greet the day with clear thoughts
and no fears.
March 21, 2003
Love and Harmony
I am the one in charge of my every experience. It is my
life-long responsibility to take charge of all that I am.
I do this with delightful anticipation, knowing that I
possess the power and strength to create a healthy existence.
The messages that I give myself today will be clear, positive
and definite. I will be sure that these messages are
received by putting them into action.
Critical or judgmental voices play no part in my thinking
as I listen to my inner wisdom. I will not permit any
voice, within or without, to sway me from my chosen path
of health, love, and wholeness.
I am the Chairman of my Board. I am in charge of my life
always, and I write my own agenda. Inner dissension and
disruption will be squelched, as I conduct my life in
balance and harmony.
It is perfectly alright for me to be selfish. Recovery
means that I am honoring my needs, my wants and my values.
In short, I am honoring my own life. I have the courage
to stand by my convictions and fight for my own happiness.
I realize now that unless I honor my own interests, I will
not survive. I am learning that the self is to be celebrated,
not denied, abandoned or sacrificed. Even in the most
intimate and loving relationships, I still need to respect
my own needs and wants.
I am learning to be selfish in the healthiest sense of
Here and now
I know that I can improve my life. I can do so day by day
and enjoy each moment. As each moment unfolds, I realize
that I am, right now, the best that I can be. God gave me
this life to live and the potential to be happy in it. It
is completely up to me to enjoy being who and what I am.
As I gradually let go of my troubled past, I become more
aware of how wonderful it is to be me.
For at least these few moments, I will clear away the cobwebs
of fear, depression, and anxiety from my consciousness. I will
let the strong currents of love flow through me, sweeping
away all thought of limitation or critical disapproval. I am
left only with a sense of peace and happiness. My every
moment today will be filled with a never-ending variety of
experiences, which will expand my joy of living.
My decisions are like statements of my identity. My choices
reflect the core of my being. Every decision I make embodies
my self concept and my view of the world.
Today I am aware that choices are not isolated events on
the periphery of my life. Choices are my life.
Making good decisions means paying attention to what I think
and what I feel. It is when I take notice of my beliefs and
emotions that I can draw on the vital wisdom that I possess.
Today I will become conscious of my motivations. I will learn
what beliefs propel me toward or away from what I truly desire.
Guided by my Higher Power and spiritual awareness, I will make
choices today that grow out of awareness and sensitivity to my
I have a sense of self-determination when I am clear about
what is important to me. I have control over my life when
I set goals and see that I am working toward those goals
by gathering the knowledge and the skills necessary to
The essence of feeling in control of my life comes from my
determination, motivation, and knowledge. I also know that
in times of crisis, my inner strength is tested.
I will not spend my time trying to manage other people and
events. Neither will I deceive myself in believing I am in
charge when I am controlled by how other people respond to me.
I am learning lessons daily about my inner strengths and my
self-determination. Today I am taking control of my life by
learning the skills necessary for living a healthy and
I am not bound by anything, and I can express freedom now.
I do not have to wait until next week or next month to feel
free. I do not have to wait until challenges are removed
from my life.
I can be free now. Today I sense unerringly that freedom
begins within my mind.
Rich possibilities stretch in a panorama before me, inviting
me onward and upward. Today I visualize my disappointments
vanishing like mist before the morning sun.
March 30, 2003
Today I will pay attention to the positive qualities of the
people in my life. I will be more tolerant of human frailties
and increase my awareness of the wonderful complexity of
In noticing the goodness of others, I affirm and claim my own.
What kind of person am I? I am positive, loving, strong and
capable. And others? I will look for their strong points,
for their friendliness and for their resilience. I will
understand that they were not put on earth to meet my needs
unconditionally, just as I cannot unconditionally meet theirs.
I will strive to see the goodness in others, and appreciate
March 31, 2003
Love will flow from me like rays of sunshine. Love is my
total acceptance of me and you. Love is giving. Love is
the glowing light within each person.
At times in the past, my love had been hidden, blocked off
by inpenetrable clouds. No light or love came through.
These clouds prevented me from seeing the love within me
and the love within you.
Only I can dispel my clouds. Only I can let my radiance
shine forth. Only I can show you my being.
In my family the love we felt for each other often got
cloudy with broken promises, fear, anger and confusion.
But today the confusion, anger and fear are gone. I no
longer dwell on past broken promises.
Today I let my love shine forth, and I share my bounty
April 1, 2003
Today I acknowledge that I have emotions, but I am more than
my emotions. I recognize this day I have thoughts, but I am
more than my thoughts. I need not cling to uncomfortable
feelings or negative thoughts today.
If I am feeling low in spirit for any reason, I must remember
that the clouds will lift, the moods will pass, and I will see
Nothing outside me has the power to keep me depressed or anxious.
No person has the power to keep me upset or lonely. I have it
in my power to choose what I believe about my feelings.
Today I choose to believe that my feelings are temporary
Today I choose to believe that my spirits will rise above the
clouds. My infinite source sustains me and I know my heart
will again sing a joyous song.
April 2, 2003
Today I turn to that quiet place within me and find
ever-present renewal, strength and refreshment. I feel
no pressure or stress. I have an inner calm. I am
restored and I live in joyous existence.
Strain and pressure are made by man, but they need not
belong in my world.
Today I am relaxed and at ease around others. I feel the
quiet strength of my Higher Power and I allow the joy of
serenity to enfold me.
April 4, 2003
I can forgive and let go.
I cannot forget the past or the family I was raised in.
But I can learn from my experiences and not repeat them
if I choose.
Today I know that only through forgiveness can I release
my guilt and fear. Forgiving myself will be complete when
I can forgive others.
Today I choose to let go of resentment. I no longer allow
these emotions to fester inside of me.
I experience new freedom today as I forgive myself and
others who have hurt me.
April 6, 2003
Today I release my expectations that everything must
improve at this moment. Good things are now coming
into my life. Fuller and healthier relationships are
possible, but they do take time. Nurturing meaningful
relationships takes patience.
Just as plants need cultivation to grow, so do relationships.
I have faith that the relationships I nurture and cultivate
will surely bloom.
Today I have a quiet optimism and faith in the good things
coming into my life, and I have patience with myself and
with others as I move toward self-fulfillment.
April 8, 2003
I have unique gifts to share, gifts which are mine alone.
I have talent and creativity, and I take great satisfaction
and pleasure in realizing my potential for growth.
I am not limited in my talents or creativity. In living
my creative self, I have much to offer, much to give.
And by doing so, I realize new joy in my ever-expanding
As I increasingly find fulfillment, I see my unique gifts
accepted and appreciated by all those around me. I am
valued by friends and colleagues as I continue to grow
Today I acknowledge that in living my creative self, I find
the satisfaction for which my soul longs.
April 8, 2003
Today I understand there are some things I cannot fix by
will power or sheer effort. In my healing process, I have
come to understand that there are unhappy or unpleasant
situations in life for which I don't have solutions. I take
pleasure and comfort from the knowledge that if I release the
situation it will be adjusted by powers other than my own.
In my family, I may have felt the need to solve problems
that arose with my other family members. I thought it was
within my power to fix the problem as quickly as possible.
Now I realize that there are times when I cannot adjust the
"faulty picture," and I accept that all I have to do is wait
until the picture clears.
Today I affirm the right to just "stand by" and let the
faulty picture I am receiving be cleared by a Higher Power.
April 9, 2003
Today I bid goodbye to the past.
I take advantage of this day to free myself from the bondage
of unhealthy patterns I have learned. I release the past,
knowing that its events and experiences have served the
purpose, even at the most difficult moments.
I dwell in the present. I cannot escape the past, but I do
not carry it with me as I move through life. I do not let
old habits and emotions from the past color my life today.
Today I will not dwell on the past. I free myself to face
this new day with a positive attitude and constructive
The past is over. The now is new, fresh, and limitless.
I welcome it with joyous expectancy.
April 10, 2003
I am learning to set new limits for myself. I see myself as
valuable and worthwhile. I treat myself well, and I set
limits for myself that are realistic and appropriate.
No longer do I seek approval by going that "extra mile."
I will not delay in establishing boundaries for myself.
It is important for me to pay attention to my feelings
and to learn to say no.
My responsibility is to be clear about what I will or
will not tolerate. I have every right to exist, to feel
what I feel, and to take care of myself by setting limits
that are right for me.
Today I affirm my right to decide what I will and will
April 11, 2003
Today I acknowledge a deep respect for my own healing process.
Recovery takes time. I will be patient with my healing.
I will not cheat myself of the necessary time it takes to go
through my own grief. Knowing that the only way to get through
my pain is to go through it, I will not become impatient.
To pretend that I have never experienced real depair is to
sabotage myself. I will not participate in emotional dishonesty.
I am assured that the strength I need to get through my pain is
already within me. I will not ignore my emotions.
Today I entrust myself to God, with a sure knowledge that my
healing is now taking place.
April 12, 2003
Keeping my dreams alive is important to me. If one dream
dies, I know I must search deeply inside for the glimmer
I have felt betrayed before by dreams that never had a chance,
by relationships that have failed or maybe by parents that
disappointed me. Even the dreams that have failed played an
important part in my life, and I will nuture the spark within
me that keeps my dreams alive.
Every lovely reality was someone's dream that was loved into
being. Today I will affirm my courage to dream again.
April 13, 2003
Today I have a fresh start. I choose to begin a new letting go
of unhealthy thoughts, feelings and attitudes that have stifled
This day I choose to think new thoughts, to look at new values
and to find new ways of expressing my God-given gifts.
I now choose to deepen my understanding of myself and others.
I will look at my relationships with family and my friends in
a new light. I choose to have vital, healthy interactions
I truly welcome this new day and this new me. I welcome
the wonderful possibilities open to me.
April 14, 2003
Each day gives me a new opportunity to express the perfection
which is within me. With this realization in mind, I bless
every individual I encounter.
I now release all old negative images and refuse to give them
any power. They are burdensome and have no place in my life.
Today I replace these old images with perfect acceptance
of all that I am.
April 15, 2003
Today, I expand my view of friendship. It is through my
friends that I can see out into the world, and back into
myself. I am capable of having friends who feed my spirit,
feed my senses, and feed my emotions. I can be different
with each friend, freely choosing the different facets of
myself that I want to express.
I will not overlook the many sources of friendships that are
available to me: older people, children, people with exotic
backgrounds, people with more, or less, money than I; each
person has the potential to enrich my life. It is possible
for me to have close friends of the same sex, or friends of
the opposite sex.
Today, I will remember that part of who I become is who I
encounter along the way. In recovery, friends are my
April 16th, 2003
Today can be a turning point, the beginning of a bright
new life. It is never to late to begin again. I will
make efforts today to set matters straight in my life.
It is not too late for me to make amends, to forgive and
let go. I smile as I imagine the possibilities that lie
Today I will stretch my thinking and feeling as I test out
new ways of behaving, new ways of expressing myself. I take
risks confidently, knowing that I don't have to change
everything overnight. It's not too late for me to relieve
every burden and enter this day with a new spirit.
April 17, 2003
At this moment I am quieting turbulent thoughts and allowing
peace to fill my consciousness. I know there is power in a
peaceful frame of mind. I do not need to become dependent
upon people or things for contentment. All the peace I need
exists within me.
It does me no good to allow myself to become focused on
anxiety and fear. I acknowledge these emotions and let
them pass. In their place, I allow harmony and balance
to fill my consciousness.
When my mind is at peace I think clearly and correctly,
order is restored, and an overall vision of good exists.
Today I feel my inner strength and power as I let peace
fill my consciousness. I am centered in harmony as I
bring peace to every relationship.
April 19, 2003
Let me be gentle today. Let me cast aside my protective
shell, let me loosen my muscles and feel myself become
less rigid, less brittle.
I smile as I feel myself move harmoniously with nature.
My spirit flows from moment to moment. I am tender to
myself, gentle, and I am aware of the gentleness hidden
I take time to notice textures. I touch and am touched
by soft currents of air. I listen to small sounds. I
take delight in subtle tastes and smells.
I am present, here and now, and put aside past pain and
fear. I let in the beauty that surrounds me, from moment
Easter Sunday, April 20th, 2003
I open my eyes to the many different shades of green in nature.
I listen and detect small silences and a wide range of familiar
tones in the voices of strangers. I am alert to nuances of
taste and smell. I close my eyes and touch a tree trunk and
let it instruct me in the meaning of texture.
I will not sleepwalk through life. There have been times in
the past when I was not aware of my destructive conditioning.
I functioned as a robot and life itself seemed dull and
mechanical. But now I am ridding myself of old patterns and
In recovery, I live in the present, in the now. All creation
takes place in the present - it's all happening right this
instant. Fully conscious and aware, I am attuned to the
marvelous organic complexity of life.
Today I feel exhilarated, alive and fully awake. I take the
opportunity to be fully conscious. I embrace the opportunity
to experience life to its fullest.
April 21, 2003
I have no fear of being alone today. I greet solitude as I'd
greet an old friend, with warmth and a smile. In solitude, I
have a respite, a time for calmness and peace, a time for
communing deeply with my Higher Power.
Growing up in an alcoholic home, I was afraid of being left
alone. I dreaded isolation and abandonment. There have been
times, as an adult, when I continued in bad relationships
rather than be left with loneliness and isolation.
Today, I can be alone but not lonely. I do not shun others;
I find time for others - many others in my life, who care for
me and support me in my recovery. I need time to myself, when
I can be serene, contemplative and available to wisdom.
Today I give myself time to be alone, and I am calm and
relaxed in my quiet solitude.
April 22, 2003
Today I am on my own side. I choose to befriend myself
and be on my own team, which means that I will not focus
my energies today on judging, criticizing, or demeaning
myself in any way. It is my responsibility to teach
others how to treat me by the way I treat myself.
When I put these words into action, it means that I don't
have to constantly point out my faults to myself and to
those around me. When I am for me, it means that I will
not create my own anxiety by giving myself negative
messages. I will not be an enemy to myself.
Today I affirm that I will always be WITH me and FOR me.
April 23, 2003
Today I can relax in my relationships with others and get
the warmth and affection I need. I am a whole person,
whether or not I am in a relationship. In my desire for
affection, I am neither greedy nor insatiable.
Affection does not mean salvation. I do not believe that
affection or love from another will solve all my problems.
I will not "wheel and deal" to get the affection that I need.
I want to have relationships where I don't have to perform
or give up my power to have my needs met. I will not buy
affection at any cost. I declare myself unwilling to sell
my soul, my body, or my identity.
Today I possess a deep knowing that I can maintain my sense
of self, and still get the affection I need and deserve.
April 24, 2003
I don't have to take care of people by thinking for them.
Intimacy is not about helping people do things right, but
rather being supportive and on their side. Today I will resist
the urge to do a "little lecturing" to those I care about.
I do not have to be a continual fountain of good sense, advice
and infinite wisdom. Intimacy means I can simply be with
someone. I don't have to take care of people by thinking or
feeling for them.
Intimacy flourishes when I allow others the dignity of making
their own decisions and accepting their own consequences.
April 25, 2003
Today I revise my unrealistic expectations of others.
Today I will let go of my fear that trusting others will
always bring hurt.
If I have been hurt by others in the past, I know it was
not premeditated or intentional. I am realistic enough
to know that even if someone loves me, they are only human
and not perfect. In my recovery, I grow accepting of human
The hurt I might experience as an adult does not have to take
on the same devastating significance as it did in the past.
Today I freely choose intimacy with others despite past hurts
and disappointments. I will examine my expectations and
recognize that people are, after all, only human.
April 27, 2003
All that I am is beautiful, and I celebrate myself today.
Today I am aware of my finest qualities. I am aware of my
warmth, my strength, and my beauty.
I need to nurture and care for myself as I would any living
thing that I love. Some of us treat our pets far better
than we treat ourselves.
Today, I affirm, nurture and reward myself and know that
each day I am becoming dearer to myself.
Today I treat myself as I would a dear and loving friend.
April 27, 2003
I am perfect, the best that I can be, in this moment.
Today I'll be the best I can be in this moment. I have sought
to be perfect in work, in relationships, and even in leisure.
I will not lose sight of the fact that I am human, I'm fallible,
I make mistakes and I get over them and move on.
Today I acknowledge my striving for perfection by being all
that I can be. I make mistakes and learn from them. Life is
not a test where we are constantly being graded for performance.
Today I see that my task is to be the best that I can be.
I will experience success and failure at times, and I will
learn from each experience.
April 29, 2003
Today I have the courage to hope and the courage to begin
to engage in small changes in my behavior, my feelings and
my beliefs. I accept change as a necessary part of living.
I embrace change as a necessary part of recovery.
I can see that success is a series of small changes. I envision
change as a beautiful pearl. A series of small changes, then,
is like an exquisite strand of pearls.
Today I take time to make a plan for change. I chart out the
areas in my life where changes are needed, and I take steps to
put changes in motion. I will not have unrealistic expectations,
but I will have patience and perseverance. As I change, I will
accept success and failure as part of the process.
April 30, 2003
Laughter and smiles come easy today.
I notice that each day I become healthier. I am able to
laugh and express joy. With a light heart and joy in my
soul, I experience this day.
As the child of a less than perfect environment, I have
learned all I can from misery. I now turn to the creativity
of laughter and a deep knowing that life is wonderful. I am
aware that what I accept, I become.
This day I accept mentally and emotionally the presence of
joy in my life as I unselfconsciously laugh with ease, and
I smile spontaneously.
May 3, 2003
Like all living things, I have my own rhythms, my own ebb
and flows, my own seasons of growth and transformation.
In recovery, I have phases when, given the right conditions,
I can make quantum leaps in my development.
I grow through exploration, and I seek a variety of
stimulations. Perhaps as a toddler, I did not have adequate
protection to explore and experiment. If our homes were not
child-centered, we may have had to grow up too fast, too soon.
Our need to explore and investigate the world does not go away.
Our inability to explore as children lead us, as adults, to
symptoms such as a lack of motivation, or fatigue, or physical
Today I will take the time to explore my workplace or my home
by touch, by sight, and by sound. I will give myself the
opportunity to continue my development and fill in whatever
I may have missed.
May 4, 2003
Today I affirm my power to create the kind of existence
I choose, and I take loving responsibility for my choices.
I do not find others in my past to blame my troubles on.
I realize that life is mine, and I have the power to choose
what I want from life - the power to choose what I want to do,
and the power to do it well. No one else can control my life
This life is not a rehearsal. I have this chance today to
make my life work, to put my energies into recovery and
expansion of my potential.
Today I will take time to envision that which I want for
myself. I take loving responsibility for my own life.
May 6, 2003
Feelings are part of my nature. Sometimes my feelings are
wonderful, sometimes my emotions are painful. Whatever
they are, all my feelings are vital and essential in
expressing the complete me.
I am a tapestry, an artistic expression of God. The colorful
threads that make up this work of art are my emotions. Today
I will stand back and view this masterpiece with its many
richly blended threads, and I will accept it completely and
Today I appreciate that my emotions add color and depth
to my life.
May 9, 2003
I stand aside today, and I yield to my Higher Power.
I allow this all-harmonizing power to adjust all that
The Serenity Prayer asks that we be granted the wisdom
to know what we can change and what we cannot. Today
I acknowledge those matters that I will release to my
Higher Power for resolution. I will not continue to
deplete my energies by concentrating on events and
circumstances beyond my control.
Today I turn to my Source and feel the harmony that
exists when I can let go.
May 26, 2003
Change for the Better
New and inviting ways are opening for me each day. I have
no limitations, for I am mightier than circumstances.
I don't have to depend upon others for my fulfillment, for
I have the will, the vitality and strength to push away the
old patterns that bind me.
The world is mine to become whatever I want within it.
My hopes and dreams are all within reach. I do not fret
about my future, because I have the power to change. I will
choose what I want to happen and let it unfold with trust
Today I know that I am in control, and that I can confidently
change my life in order to find fulfillment.
June 3, 2003
I am alive and free!
So often I have followed a spiritual calling by going to
the wrong address. What I strive for is wholeness,
completeness and integration. I know now that serenity
will not be found in chemicals, relationships, or in any
In my search for meaning, I might have turned to chemicals,
food, and relationships only to emerge feeling empty, numb
and confused. Today I stop depending upon people and things
for my fulfillment. Today I declare myself free from
My consciousness is awakened by the news that I have what
it takes to live a full and productive life. Today I affirm
my life and my freedom from unhealthy dependencies.
Monday, June 16, 2003
My 9 Month Anniversary!
The time has flown by! It is hard for me to get my head around the
fact that I have come so far in such a short period of time.
Last year at this time, I was literally sweating whether or not the
surgeon that I wanted to operate on me (Dr. Emma Patterson) would be
able to help me acheive the goals that I had in mind. I met with her
on June 12, 2002. She weighed me and I was shocked to actually see
the number on the scale. I knew that I was in the high 400s by never
knew just how close to 500 pounds I was. I weighed 496 pounds at 5'8"
tall. I knew that if I did not do something soon, I would die.
Dr. Patterson was honest with us and let us know the risks that were
involved and what she felt the best procedure for me would be. Due to
my high BMI (75.4) she felt the safest route to take was to do the
Adjustable Lap Band. She was confident that this would be the best
thing for me at this point in time.
My surgery was on September 16, 2002. I was only in surgery for 40
minutes. She was able to do my surgery laproscopically. I was not in
a great deal of pain after and I was up and walking just as soon as I
was in my room. I heard her voice in my head (and no I am not hearing
voices :) ! ) to get up and walk as much and as far as possible so
that it would help my healing process. I used the morphine pump
minimally from the time that I got to my room until midnight and then
not at all after that. I was chomping at the bit to go home in the
morning. I went and had my leak test in radiology and passed and was
able to sip skim milk and water and was discharged. I felt like I was
getting a new lease on life and I was determined that I was going to
make the most of it.
Fast forward to today. I am now 9 months post op. I am down a total
of 107 pounds. 36 prior to my surgery and 71 since. I have not had a
fill since I am still feeling restriction the majority of the time.
It surprises me that I have been able to come this far without it.
Maybe I am learning things about myself after all. I am learning that
I don't have to deal with the issues in my life with food. I have
other coping mechanisms to use in its place. I am learning to lean on
people when I need support. I now know that I do not have to always
be this stoic person. I have learned to let my guard down and let
people into my life. I have learned to set boundaries in my life. I
no longer feel like I need to be everything to everyone in order to
be accepted. I just have to be true to me. I have learned that no one
elses opinion matters nearly as much as that of my husband.
I may/will lose my weight at a slower rate than many, but I did not
put this weight on all at once. One day at a time. Slow and steady
will get me to where I want to be. I have good days and days that I
would rather forget, but when I do have those days, I just get up in
the morning dust myself off and start over again.
I feel remarkably at peace with myself and the journey that I am on.
I learn so much from all of you and figure out ways to incorporate
them into my life. It helps that we all share the good, the bad, and
the ugly. That is real life.
No matter where you are in this journey take it one step at a time.
You will get where you want to go. I truly believe that.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
496/389/??? (200 would be really nice)
Just for today I will respect my own and other's boundaries.
Just for today I will be vulnerable with someone I trust.
Just for today I will take one compliment and hold it in my heart for more than just a fleeting moment. I will let it nurture me.
I am a precious person.
I am a worthwhile person.
I am beautiful inside and outside.
I love myself unconditionally.
I can allow myself ample leisure time without feeling guilty.
I deserve to be loved by myself and others.
I am loved because I deserve love.
I deserve love, peace, prosperity and serenity.
I forgive myself for hurting myself and others.
I forgive myself for letting others hurt me.
I forgive myself for accepting sex when I wanted love.
I am willing to accept love.
I am whole and good.
I am capable of changing.
The pain that I might feel by remembering can't be any worse than the pain I feel by knowing and not remembering.
I am enough.
One of the HTML volunteers from ObesityHelp.com
If you'd like your profile spruced up write us at
Weight Loss Survey Responses
Click Here To View
Click here to see interests of other ObesityHelp members.
Surgeon: Emma Patterson, M.D.
Dr. Patterson is an amazing doctor. When I went to see her in May of 2002, I honestly did not think that she would operate on me. We had looked into many other programs and all told me that my bmi (75+) was too high and if I wanted surgery with them I would have to get it down to 60 or lower. So I went into this appointment with much trepidation and caution. However, upon meeting her, I learned that she is a very strong, determined physician. She told me about my options and agreed that the Lap Band was appropriate for me at the time that I was contemplating surgery. I liked that she made jump through all sorts of tests so that she knew all that there was to know about me medically before she operated on me. My impression of her is one of a very caring, supportive doctor. She demands a lot of us, but in the end it is for our own good. These are changes for the better. I think that her staff are wonderful. I think that patients should know that there are waiting lists for a reason that there could be long waits to get in to see her. This surgery is getting more popular by the day and that brings a lot of people to her information meetings. There are a lot of things that you need to do before you get to see her, but it is so worth it in the long run. She has a great aftercare program, very supportive. I knew all of the potential risks, including the fact that I could have died doing this, but also that many more people go on to be majorly successful if they use their tools to the best of their abilities. I would give Dr. Patterson a very high rating. I think that she is very good at what she does. I am happy with my experience with her and her office.