Daly City, CA, USA
Post Op - BMI: 29.0
Surgery Type: Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy
Member ID: R1142744247
Surgeon: John Feng

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I am so incredibly blown away to know that I have a surgery date. June 5th, Dr. Feng. Last summer, after having spent about five years really trying to lose weight in earnest I told me nearest and dearest that I would make one more last ditch effort and if it didnt work out I was going to look into surgery. In January I started researching. Yesterday, My mom told me that she would finance it. the whole enchilada. yeah. thats right. that is incredible. I didnt know what to say as I was so aware of having been given too so immensly. Any thank you I could muster seemed embarassingly in adequate so I told her - this feels like winning the lottery. I feel like you have given me a winning lottery ticket. Now I am obsessed. I bought like 200.00 bucks worth of protien, no sugar, etc products from today and plan to start my diet and excersize now. I really want to get my bmi to be below 50 for surgery so I can squeeze on outta that high risk category. I have been glued to this site and a few others for MONTHS now just dreaming of this surgery. And she strait just GAVE it to me. How do you thank someone for that? I can believe I am finally gonna see what I look like. I have never seen it. The last time I was not fat I was a kid. I have no idea what adult me will look like...... March 20th 2006 I got my surgery packet in the mail today from lapsf. Tried my first protien drink and was suprised to find it wast half bad. i had been warned about crazy chalky madness and was like damn - i better make sure I cant palate this stuff before I commit to it forever ....I finally found a GP who will do my preop history, and I have the sleep apnea by mail kit thing on the way. I am SOOOOO glad that I dont have to go and sleep in one of the sleep centers oh my god I would not SLEEP...anyhoosal.. I have my second psych appt on wed. and and moving toward getting this stuff marked off my list. I still cant beleive my mom is giving me this - I mean I can - my mom has always been tremendously giving even back in the days when she didnt have anything material to give.....she still figured out how to hit the stuff that counted...But still....this is more than I EVER thought of.....She was of the few people who I really feel at ease with when I talk about my wieght like - she will never know being tiny as she is BMI 17....hello what its like but - she gets that she doesnt know, and she gets that its tremendously painful to be this way, and she gets who I really am...I know so many people who are at odds with their parents....I get it ....I mean I get just how lucky I am In other news.. I HATE THAt THERE IS SO MUCH STIGMA AND DISRESPECT for these surgeries......I cant believe people dont whole heartedly accept that it is the only way out for some of us... I learned this week that being fat isnt my fault. I own that now and am letting go of my great shame to be me, to enter a room, to sit in a chair, to interview for a job. if anyone ever says you are what you eat to me again sweartagaad.......Its not my fault, but I am my own responsibility, and I can get myself out.

Milestones/things I cant wait for:
working a full shift without wanting to cry from body pain
buying a pair of Jeans at the GAP
loosing my fear of booths and chairs ****Done*****
loosing my fear of seatbelts ***DONE****
fitting comfortably in my moms teeny car ****DONE****
not feeling frightened that children will ask me why I am so fat *****Done****
suprising and shocking friends who havent seen me ****Done**
fitting into a size 22 DONE! fitting into a size 18 ....a size 12
fitting a single digit pant size for the first time in my life
bathings suits - no more skirties!
posting my goal weight before and after on this site
getting to shop at victoria's secret
getting to shop at JCREW
paint my toenails
fit in the bath tub with water on both sides ***Done***
run a mile
be able to go running every morning
Lose a hundred pounds
workout and have muscles that show
go on long bike rides with kermit
go hiking with kermit and be as fast as him?????
arrive in spain to reunite with my family as a thin person and have them NEVER KNOW I WAS FAT
know people who have never known me fat and say "I just cant IMAGINE you BIG"
Shop in a second hand store
wear high heels without pain ****Done****
Wear sexy BELTS that are so in style
Fit a pair of boots all the way up my calf ****DONE****
wear skirts without biker shorts underneath to keep from getting a rash from my legs rubbing together
have visible stomache muscles
fit rings and necklaces
not have to buy wide shoes
have a visible collarbone
go to my ten year highschool reunion thin
where capri pants and look good ***DONE****
not be the different girl in the room****DONE****
See what my face really looks like - Do I really look like my Abuela???
Not have my friends feel bad for me as I try to struggle through life fat **DONE***
Not have my parents worry about my health and happiness ****DONE***
dating with ease and confidence
sharing clothes
More athletic ..(Ahem) y'all know what I mean
Inspiring people I love to take on their life goals
Going to my moms anual Christmas party when Im seven months out
Not being the only girl in class who cant fit in the desks and has to sit in the spare chair.... DONE DONE DONE
wanting to go out with my girlfriends DONE DIDDITY DUNNERS!!
Getting over my secret hateful jealousy of thin girls
Loving to have my picture taken DONE
running into unrequited loves of my past as the new me
not being afraid to meet people DONE
not be afraid to smile at REALLY cute boys

********and the grande finale***********

Walking into my Mom's office on the day I hit my goal weight, in a HOT outfit, with a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of champaigne ( my few sips flat please), and camera to say:

Thank you MOM, You've Given me my life, again.

**************I Love You***************

April 27, 2006

Well here I am about three weeks from surgery. The other day, it seemed like FIVE WEEKS would be forever and suddenly I’m looking down the barrel a that mofo, and this shit is getting real. I was shocked and appalled yesterday at my appt. with the school therapist. I have been seeing her all semester, as that was the only way I could get the psychiatric clearance fo free. Anyhoosal, yesterday she gave me a copy of her report to read and I was quite touched to see what her opinions are. She really believes that I am an excellent candidate for the VSG. I had this whole defensive kinda mode with her in the beginning like – “ok, THIS woman isn’t going to stand between me and my surgery - just give me the damn paper” - after getting to know her I see that this really has been such an enormous help to me in my process here. She said that I was totally healthy. That my friends, blew this lil wls patient right out the h2o if ya know what I mean…..after all the heinous crap ive been through in my life I kinda always thought I presented a strong but scarred emotional picture. This woman knows the depths of the big trials and tribs - an pronounces me TOTALLY HEALTHY. She kinda took me in for a minute and said - yes, its amazing that totally functional people can emerge from periods/situations of great dysfunction. It was quite a big deal to hear from a certified professional that I am doing all right.

Also, in her report around why I was a good candidate for WLS she wrote that I wasn’t angry/blame driven, and am actively working against adopting helplessness and hopelessness, and that I didn’t have a victim complex. This was an amazing validation of personal issues/goals I have really been working on for a long time.

So – It was special.

Also..I have found that as the date approach ( oh yeah turns out its scheduled for VICTORIA DAY????? HOW COOL IS THAT???) I am in a strange emotional space….kinda like, - when I was about three weeks away from graduating from high school and I knew that in a very specific time, something was gonna happen to me that was gonna change my life forever…..and I knew it was good for me - I needed to graduate high school, but I felt like – kinda giddy on the intensity of barreling towards it with all the graduation stuff I had to do - well pre-surgery I have at least as much to do with school - and its seems suddenly right on top of me…

Well here goes, a real-deal pre-op snap, here’s me at about 320 ( hehe, that’s MY scale, I imagine dr. F’s will boost it a tad.. I HAVE been maintaining between about 317-320 and back again)

Well here goes, a real-deal pre-op snap, here’s me at about 320 ( hehe, that’s MY scale, I imagine dr. F’s will boost it a tad.. I HAVE been maintaining between about 317-320 and back again)

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Say goodbye to this lady cause she's going to start SHRINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday May 26, 2005

Well, I had my surgery on monday and I'm here to update. I have to say that the experience was tremendous. In Fact, all things considered it couldn't have gone better. It was really quite incredible.

Sunday I was on liquids and pretty freaked out about being able to do that all day. I drank and drank and it was fine. My LOVELY BF Arturo took me to the apple store to replace my disappeared IPOD so that I would be all set in the hospital. I went to my moms house that night and was very touched to find that my siblings, brother and sister, had both arrived Just kind of to touch base before I went in, I gave up on being able to sleep that night since I was so kinda giddy and had so much on my mind and instead devoted my time to the MAMMOTHLY LONG consent form. By the time I finished that I got all cozied up with a book on tape I had purchase for my IPOD and alternately snoozed and woke, wondering what was to come.

At 4:30 am the alarm went of and I got in the shower and took a very heavy duty double scrub antibacterial shower, dried myself super well, and woke up my mom. By 5:30 am We were out the door. We got to the university of Pacific super fast since there was no traffic at that hour, and as we crossed the golden gate bridge at sunrise I felt A deep sense of calm and " I am doing the right thing" wash over me. Saturday night (two nights before our present point in the story) I had woken up with ALL kinds of creepy dreams where I felt very strange and objectified/sexualized by various characters in my dreams which, p.s., very much speaks to my issues with weight loss/protection in general, and with the bizarre nightmare that someone was trying to get in the house...generally anxious and freaked out and sweaty though it wasnt to hot....Arturo was amazing and checked the front door, opened the window, got a fan going, massaged my back for like and hour....cared for like a small freaked out lil thing basically - which frankly and to my surprise- was exactly what I needed....He just sent so much pure love and emotion my way all Sunday morning/day and Saturday night that By Monday on the Way to surgery I feel like.....How do I put this...done with the anxious part maybe? Ready to definitely giddy, excited, but like with a very interesting sober kind of calm.

We got to the hospital my immediate concern was - AM I going to get the PRIVATE ROOM? mainly because only conditional on this would my mother be allowed to stay over with you was of paramount importance. I was still needing to run to the bathroom left and right due to our good ole friend Milk o' Magnesia (whew) but the brought me in right away to a sort of curtained off holding area where the Surgery Prep Began. Blood Pressure, temperature, starting the IV, delivering the consent form for surgery and the one for The BRACES study ( YES! We need long term info/reports on WLS), we still had to make the payment for the hospital stay etc. It was quite amazing actually but instead of scary it felt pretty exciting. The nurse said, how do you feel? and with all the clip boards and folks surrounding me and my mom snapping pictures I said " strangely like the president". I felt really special and well attended to, the nurses were sweet, gentle, efficient and one in particular named bella was quite loving and I felt Like - somehow very appreciated by her. They got me up, wrapped a warm blanket around me and off we went - but nay friends, it was a false alarm. Magically enough A transplant came through and they needed the OR so I was pushed back. My mom reminded me that while a transplant is of course sad and the end of a life it is also the quite possibly thrilling beginning of another. It was a blessing in disguise because it gave me and mom a little time to chill and relax and also, I liked the second orderly far far better - the orderly being the person who walks you in to the OR. I did remember what Pricilla said Anne had said an realized I could really feel that and said to my mom, " I do wish I had never let it get to this point -" she looked my right in my eyes and said " yeah" and I said - " But it did -" and she said "yes it did, and now your ready for a new beginning. We're dealing with it, and its going to be just fine." Having never had surgery I was really comforted by the following things:

1. The hospital gown was big and loose and more than an ample fit. That kind of stuff never fits me and it was really nice just to be suited up like every one else.
2. They let my mom accompany me right into the OR Gates, and into the room where the anesthesiologist came to speak with.
3. They wrapped me in a lovely warm blanket and actually switched blankets twice when the felt them cool down.
4. Dr. Feng was there, along with Dr. Jossart I realized later, and So SWEET and POSITIVE and had such a lovely bedside manner.
5. Once I got on the operating table the anesthesiologist began to joke with me, and was genuinely funny I remember laughing a good solid chuckle about the stock market or something or other and then I was out.

when I got into the kinda like holding room right next to the OR a funny thing happy. I was hit by a HUGE SHAKY WAVE of uncontrollable emotion. I was nervous but I was just like - I dunno JUMPING OFF into my new being and existence. So I had this BLIP of deep breath sucking sob/shaky chest caving tears - which of course made my mom tear up ( the site of her little daughter and all), which - seeing my mom cry ALWAYS makes me feel a lot of emotion and it was a tad hard to pull that back. But I wanted that calm of the Golden gate bridge crossing , that sunrise morning , so I somehow zeroed in on a place of power and let that strength really wash through me. This was QUITE a feat and I would forgive myself and totally understand anyone else crying all the way in but somehow, in my process, all the tremendous love I was gifted - from My mom to Arturo, to profesora Babilon and my dear family of friends in SF who, when I consulted with them in the beginning said, across the board: DO IT, from the Nurse Bella to the beloved ladies and gents of the VSG board- something pulled me through. I know I had many people pulling and praying for me, and just thinking of me or singing my songs if they weren't pray-er folk.

A big part too, was being able to touch on all the strength and shared insight from the board, rhondi, Melissa, mary and nannette, Tonya and princess Kath, Barbara and rita, Pricilla's stories of Ann, Rod's triumphant swift recovery, rene and amanda and cait , and Amy and Angel and cleone, and susan, and ron and jamie and EVERYONE to numerous to name who courageously went before and generously shared their story. I didn't go in with an false or irrational fears. i knew the risks and I somehow knew I would be fine.

The nurses came in and asked me all the questions I had already been asked,. I think they really wanted to be sure. When did you last eat/when was your last liquid intake etc. Dr. Feng came in and talked to me and Mom and, was just his generally superb, sweet, genuine self and I knew he was going to take good care of me. They got me up to go into the actual Operating room and I suddenly had to go the bathroom again (!) the nurse said its just nerves but I knew it was more likely milk of magnesia so i was like nope, I gotta go. I got all th way to the operating room door and said sorry guys I gotta go. Doc feng was sweet and off I went. i came back in and it was down to business.

they said undo the back of your gown ( im naked under there remember) and I felt squeamish but for a brief moment but thought, what the hell, they seen many an obese patient, no modesty in the OR. So the see my booty. I stepped up and on the table, and felt for sure bizarre - kinda like I was on some alien star trek planet and there were gonna run they said lie back, and a female nurse/doctor ( dunno) came along and loosened my gown - careful not to bare my breast while I was awake which I REALLY appreciated. She had a gentle touch, and was very sweet and loving. I felt more like a doted on child than on fat lady on a stretcher - do you know what I mean? They took the UTMOST care and I could really feel it. They Anesthesiologist was very mellow, and I got the sense that he was like - a total pro - like very much had everything under control. He said "ok, im gonna injected with some stuff should make you feel pretty good" it did but I could like - feel the toxicity of it...but immediately they had me breathing deep breaths from a mask and all the while he kept me distracted with little jokes. he was totally focused on my well being and at putting me at ease.

The next thing I knew I woke up in the recovery room. There was a nurse there, Sarah, who treated me so sweetly it brings a tear to my eye. I felt like I had very intense intense menstrual cramps. Like my whole abdominal area was just taking all my psychic space. but it was far from unbearable. She had me set up right away with my morphine pain pump. At one point when I felt a bit childlike and bewildered/whimpery she brushed the hair off my face, and sorta stroked my forehead sweetly and said very softly " your gonna be fine sweetheart, it'll be bikini season in no time''.....the tone of the way she said it was so loving - i dunno - like she was really on my side ....she would come by periodically and check on me ( from the other side of the room I mean, she was never out of the room) and just be really quite tender and, mind you, I was on a fair amount of drugs here, but there was something real there that i could see and still do feel.

Eventually an orderly came, and was again, bless his heart as swet as can be imagined. He said in a real joking tone " Now why do have so much stuff??" To which I replied, or rather, croaked " I'm a diva" The saying of this from my lil' drugged out post op mouth sent them rolling. He also kinda patted my head and said took me off to my room. On the way - which was a bit treacherous simply because I was on a moving cart ( hospital-bed) and had not yet realized that the morphine could make me nauseous, he held my hand nice and firm and I felt again - really safe, in really good hands.

They brought me into my room and there was my little sheik and adorably FABULOUS MOM. It was so great to see her and I said. I LOVE YOU MOM about ten thousand and one times. my adorable orderly said his goodbyes and there we were.

Ok this part is a a little fuzzy as I was drugged up, but Ill do my best. The room was HUGE and had a large window with a pleasing city veiw to one side, and a big armoire with a television right in front of the bed. They even wheeled in a cot for my mom. There was a nice bathroom with a big tub and shower ( tub even had jacuzzi jets, hello !). I asked my mom about how it went and she said "Dr. Feng came and talked to me and he said it went as well as it could have possibly gone. Like it couldn't have GONE better. He was pretty amazed. He said your liver is perfect, had no fatty deposits, and all of your organs are totally healthy. He was quite amazed considering how long you've been dealing with obesity."

Well my dearests - I was fucking stunned. Pardon my french but lord - no damage to my insides nor liver after all those years of all this weight??? I never expected for them to say you're like totally good. More heat warming. Yipes. i am supposedly a cynical folk singer/ critical sociologist in training. it was a lot of fuzziness but - it was real and it was what it was. I was given a phenomenal astronomical gift that many people labored and partnered in giving me...

I asked my mom to start calling around to let people know I was fine. She called Arturo, and my cutest bosses from Starbucks , one of which, Karl, is not just a boss but a dear friend - they had REMEMBERED that it was surgery day and called.... and called one of my friends who emailed everyone else. it was a bit of a love fest then - can you stand this (?) with everyone calling in and me on morphine. 'sfunny, I had surgery for me, and my health, but it revealed to me a depth with which i am loved which you often dont see all at one time and kind of Grock in a moment.

I slept a while and when I woke was alone. only for like um - prolly twenty minutes but I REALLY had to pee. I didnt realize that the Nurse button on the bed didnt work and I was to ring the one on the controller they gave me. So - tried to get out of bed alone and was soon a mess or tangled cords, leg compresses and really needing to pee. The nurse came in and said " Why are you up! and Alone!" I gotta pee i said so she took me in. so dont do that guys.....if your a pre-op and reading this. call the NURSE! The leg compresses were neat actually, and I quite enjoyed them....gave me a nice massage every few minutes. also, I LOVE the hospital bed. SO COMFORTABLE and LARGE|. Even Arturo was able to lay down with me.

I chilled all afternoon, but was quite nauseated. we figured out it was morphine and switched to Demerol and that helped a bit. I was loathe to walk and was like MAN, if I get up I will PUKE.....the nurse let me rest awhile and finally was like - look - between puking and a blood clot to the lung or heart im gonna go with puking, so we need to walk, and we need to do it FOUR times today. Wow, it seemed Mammoth. She was like - Not AMAZING but just fine, but amidst all the AMAZING care it kind of stuck out - but I stress she was totally fine probably like normal, and everyone else was a rockstar.

Dr. Feng came after a bit. you know how I feel about him, im ready to start the fan club. he said " it went so well Id like to start you on liquids right away". Shocking. I was more into the ice chips though, but they let me have all I wanted.

My friends came that night and just chilled while I faded in and out. They were content to let me do that, and I was very much at peace to feel their presence, even if I wasn't totally present lol.

They gave me ATAVAN through the night, which gave me luxurious deep sleep and rid me of nausea but left horrible bruises at the injection sites. It was worth it friends. it was some nice nice sleep.

In the Morning the best was yet to come. KHIN. My Nurse. WOW. An amazing Nurse, An amazing woman, an amazing human. The kind of person who is a nurse because she was meant to be one. She was so sweet, loving, smart, genuine, truly concerned, whenever we talked she always massages my legs just kind of as a tender side note......I just kind of adored her immediately. She was amazing. Amazing. I cant really put it into to words but I felt like - a special connection with her that you only get very rarely in the world that immediately with someone where you just know, like KNOW in a heaven sent knowledge kind of way that they are GOOD TO THE know? Hecho de oro. So - it was another gift bestowed upon me.

By this time we had the medication all sorted out and had figured out that if I took some, then laid down for ten or twenty minutes, I could walk pretty good. My mom would unhook my iV and leg bands and off we would go to do laps around the nurses station. on the way there were beautiful views of my beloved Bridge to cheer me on. I have spent a lot of thinking time at that red bridge, and it still renders me breathless when I see it like that. Stark Red against the jutting marin headlands. and the dark blue sky of a clear night falling......

Arturo came, as was just superb. He had like totally dressed up and everything just for lil ole girlfriend me. felt purty spaecial.He helped me take a shower and washed my hair. taking the utmost care all the while. Big points for the BF. Very very dear. He also got me walking and we even did double laps.

I was able to take in a protein shake and all of my jello that day too.

I went home that after noon around five after a long list of recommendations/info from KHIN my dear nurse.

oh! I forgot. Later in the second day tuesday, a lady came in and introduced herself as the bariatric coordinator. I was just about to go for a walk so she said, lets go! off we went. she was sweet and seemed to ask really insightful questions about how I felt, and really get my answers.....then she says " oh yeah, when i had my surgery...blah blah.." and i was like WHAT?!? YOU Had surgery?!?! never would have known. she was just a pretty young lady. So that was nice cause i was able to really TALK to her. She had had an RNY about three years out. I had, in my lil super comfy hospital bed, been DREAMING of I asked her about what she ate and was SO happy to know that at three years out she could eat, basically, normally...She even brought her before picture. well what a kick. if that dont just top it all but at the end of the road there in hospital they send in a success story and lift your little spirits right up. very nice touch.

So yeah they wheeled me out to the car and home I went to my moms house. and here I remain, just as snug as a bug in rug. Protein drinks suck, and they're hard to get down, I lay around and dream about and egg over medium at night, a veggie sausage, a roll up of turkey and cheese. whenever i talk to anyone im like WHAT YOU HAVE FOR LUNCH!? and live vicariously through them. 5 days down 9 to go till they egg is all mine. and ima be all OVER that sucker even if, as arturo pointed out, it will take a half hour to eat.

I miss food cause I love it, and am used to the comfort of mealtime, creatively planning ect and frankly - protien drinks just suck....but im doing it, and Ill get through. It is hard but its ok. and Im not hungry as ann said - it would have been great never to have gotten to this point but shit, lets face it, i did. and now I am BUSTING OUT!!!! I will write more soon. is Friday, May 26 and as of last friday I have lost ELEVEN POUNDS. THATS RIGHT ELEVEN MY FRIENDS AND YES I DO KNOW IM SHOUTING. I takes me out of the "my highest weight ever" land i had been in at 329.


For the love of a soft soft egg,


329/ 318/....dont know my goal weight yet...I think 140/135...depends on whether I get that inch I shrunk back! LOL

October 10, 2006

Sorry i have been so mum. My life has gotten a tad crazy. Anyhoosal I’m here with my monthly update.

I am 4.5 months out. I have lost 77 pounds. I’m a little disappointed in that but I know what I need to do to pick up the pace. Its not like horribly slow but - for my BMI which started at 54 It should be a bit faster. I DEFINITLY have good days and bad. Good being I get all the water, all the protein, exercise, and nothing extra. the bad being when I’m out with friends, and we share Flan......I don’t exercise and I miss my water and protein goals.

I’ve bee pretty frustrated with myself lately but I am doing a lot better. When to the gym yesterday and am planning to go today. this morning I broke my stall and lost a pound, so Its quite clear you know? it wasn’t just a week and a half stall - it was me off track. I got back on track and presto! hmmm - not rocket science - lol!

I am setting the goal of getting to wonderful onderland by Christmas. I am currently at 252.4 so this means I need to be really on track through the holidays but Dr. Feng thinks its infinity do-able. about 17 lbs a month. But I have to Kick ASS. All the water every day. Exercise most days. Protein. You know - THE PLAAAAAAAN!

Now for the good stuff:

I am now in size 22 or 2X!!!!!! I started at 30 4X.
I can walk up hills, stairs, and most important completely keep pace with friends when walking around the city. slow fat girl no more!

I have lost all fear of chair, booths , desks etc. I fit!!!

I bought boots that go up my calves! I did by them at torrid ( plus size store) but still - I could NOT wear them last year and absolutely COVETED THEM. CRIED yes CRIED cus I want to have pretty legs like all the other girls at school. So that ROCKS. Look out city college. J

Getting a LOT of attention from men ( this is good, bad, ugly and strange - but an important kind of coming of age thing that I never really did. so I’m doing good. learning. It is very hard for me to reject people and the experience of having to do that is entirely BIZARRE and new)

Feel like A huge HUGE kind of depression I wasn’t even totally aware has melted away with my weight. I mean, I was definitely ALWAYS a happy fat girl but - dunno - feeling so much better, so relieved physically - ive changed. like - i wanna be out in my beloved city again you know?? Tromp around. Feel good……

On another tip I want to address this. I am currently at 252.4. When I break into the 240's, hopefully sometime next week I will be at the lowest weight since high school. This period of the last 10 pounds - the 250's has been quite unique. See - its the bridge between my two selves. like a body of 260 and up is a body I know very well. ive been somewhere in there for the last 10 years. basically my whole life as a grown woman. SO, there is an emotional threshold here. I ABSOLUTLEY KNEW it would happen in the 250s which is why 80 lbs (249.6) has been my first big what I am saying is - I knew it would be a battle with my defense mechanisms to get across this particular 10 pound bridge - cus basically, im headed of to no-mans land. I have no idea what it feels like to be in the new body I am heading towards.

I feel like my weird twisted protection/addiction/ whatever mechanisms kicked in, and I put the breaks on my weight loss without even realizing it...trippy huh? i was doing great, got down to 254.6 ( 75 pounds exactly) and then just like SCREWED around fro two weeks. stuff I NEVER do - i didn’t even really fast food chicken strips, flan two days in a row, JUICE(ok only a 1’4 C but still!!!????!!!!), chocolate....basically something sweet was weird kind of how I ate as kid you know? like defiant - screw you im gonna eat this! then I realize screw you = screw me, cus its all me, im battling no one but myself ....aha! the light - and im back on track.....just wanted to share that in case anyone else goes through/has gone through anything similar. ALSO this 10 pounds I have been SHOCKING teary and emotional.

I gets its hard to say goodbye huh?

and really intense when you're talking about your own being. but Im going. to my new self, and to the gym today! hah!

I have some new pictures, they're kind sucky but I am try to figure out how to put them up and will post when thats done.

ok here goes. I dont think they're the most flattering but at least they're something....

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Halloween pictures! please excuse the lipstick on my teeth! LOL!

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Me singin' at the Octavia lounge.This is on the upward climb of weight gain that led me to decide to get in control! My current weight is about 20 lbs more but I still wear many of the same clothes

me in the 280s feeling huge - now thats 40 pounds lower than my current wiehgt and I cant WAIT to get back in those clothes

Surgeon Info:
Surgeon: John Feng