ObesityHelp

May 14th, 2003
Well I met with the physical therapist. Jake was great. He really got me motivated about excercise and staying fit. I had a bit of trouble with my blood pressure and had it checked out by my normal physician.Jake says I am in great muscular shape and should have no trouble with the excercises he gave me to do after the surgery and to get me in tip top shape. If only I could have him with me everyday and keep me that motivated! Lord dont you know I need a push in the rearend to get me up and moving to do them. He made it seem so easy and so fun.

May 20, 2003
When I was little mama used to sing this song to me. It went something like.."Well I woke up this morning feeling fine, I woke up with heaven on my mind. And I prayed til the Lord gave me sight and now I'm feeling mighty fine." Well it seems like since I started this journey, heavens been on my mind more and more. I have prayed for strength constantly. Prayed for the patience to wait because I want this surgery so badly. So here I am asking you all to pray with me for this. My letter was sent out today.You know the waiting is the worst part of all of this. Been doing my excercises. And at times I have to admit, I have silently cussed that man for all he is worth. What manner of man would dole out such agonizing punishment on a woman. Does he not know that gravity will not allow me to do situps? Does he not know that even if I got my head off the ground the next body part in line will be a definite road block to my journey to my knees????? Touch my head to my knees my big ole booty! Apparently he has never had a set of double f's! But all in all (with a little push up from my ten year old screaming come on mom it aint that hard!) I made it up. I did two and went on to the next excercise. Forget washboard abs! I will stick with wash tub tummy. Anyway, the ever present nagging voice of Jake in my head is saying I must do these before surgery so that I might be stronger and not loose my muscle mass which he assures me I do have a great deal of. Ok, I can do this. I might not be a super model after this but by goodness I can say I did it! I am feeling much better. My blood pressure has been extremely high and as hard headed as I am, I was not having it taken care of like I should. Then Frankie got a hold of me and demanded that I do it. So thank the Lord and thank you baby for making me go. I do feel much better. Now we excercise and we wait. Please pray that its not a long wait for I have no patience at all. There are times when I simply want to give up altogether. This is the hardest thing I have ever started. No I havent had surgery yet, but until you have walked in a big ladies shoes, dont judge. This is a process that is so mentally taxing that it really can get you down.

June 1, 2003
Well I called BC/BS last week and on May 27, they entered me into there system. The next day my letter was in the committee being reviewed for approval. I still am too scared to get my hopes up.All my life I have worried over my weight and silenty I have let it really get to me. I remember a time going out with my husband and on the way home I begged to die because I was so fat and so ugly. I didnt want to live. I hated myself. I hated what I looked like and I wanted to die. I can remember each time I looked in the mirror and just simply cried because I couldnt believe that the fat woman in the mirror was actually me. What had I done to myself. What had I become??? Fact of the matter is, I can blame my weight on my thyroid, as I have in the past, but the reality is that I allowed myself to become like this. I allowed myself to become fat, ugly and unhealthy. Do you know how embarrassing it is to go to a resteraunt and not be able to fit in the booth? Or to not be able to fit in the seat at the movies? Well unfortunately I do. And believe me folks, it is not a good feeling. I wonder where I went to sometimes. I didnt used to be like this. In high school I was so pretty and small. But here I am at 243 today and I cant even remember a time when I actually looked in the mirror and thought hey, thats a pretty good looking gal there. I guess I lied a little, I do hide somewhat. I tend to be a tomboy, complete with the ball caps and mens tshirts. I guess that is my way of hiding the fact that somewhere along the line I forgot how to be a woman. Yea I wear makeup and jewelry but I am about as feminine and sexy as a fence post. I have always tried to hide the fact that I cant wear pretty stuff by being a tomboy I guess. I see all these women and they are always wearing such pretty stuff. Yes I am jealous. I think dern I wish I could wear stuff like that. I own more ball caps than I do clothes. I stuff my hair in em' and throw on a tshirt and shorts and I do the things the guys do.I cant remember the last time I wore heels, wait I think it was 15 years ago, the day I got married.. I guess I am just down today. I woke up and it started. Even my hormone pills aint working today. I just want to hide under the covers. Sometimes looking in the mirror makes me sick to my stomach. Frankie wanted to go out with some friends this weekend, I didnt want to go. I am so ashamed and I think that people are talking about me and I feel like I am going to embarrass him. Crazy huh? Well I am sure if you have ever been overweight you know where I am coming from. Its a feeling that will make you want to just die or hide. All I can say is God please let this approval go thru and this surgery be a success. I cant live like this forever.

June 12, 2003
Ok its been weeks since BCBS got my letter and still no approval yet. I am trying to not get down over this but its killing me. I am so scared that they are not going to approve me. Then I look at myself and I look at all the meds I am taking and I think, Hey how can you not look and see that I need this???? Why is it taking so dern long. I called yesterday and they told me that it was still in processing. Just what does that mean? They did tell me that it would take thirty days and it should be released on June 27. Why so long when others has only taken a week at times? Frankie tells me this is something I do not want to rush at all. If it takes time it takes time.But the longer it takes, the more down I get. I cant help it. I feel like I am getting fatter and uglier by the minute. I have this urgency that will not go away. Its a terrible feeling. Yesterday was so bad. I cried all day. Dont rush things Carol. God knows Frankie has told me that many times. But yesterday I was feeling so down and out. I could see my own lips hanging to my knees. I moped around all day.I couldnt even go in chat here. The success stories and everyone talking about how well they were doing and how much they had loss just made it worse. Love you all and keep the faith.......Gods watching!

June 12th, 2003
Well I think my last words in my last post was God's watching. Well he was listening and reading too. If you dont think the Lord hears our pleas and our prayers you better think again. I was here updating my insurance information and I called BCBS again to find out just what kind of BCBS I had. While talking to her (who was extremely sweet and helpful) she told me about my insurance and what type I had and said "oh by the way Congratulations" I asked for what? She said you were updated today and you were approved!!!!!!!! I hollered! I started crying and she started crying. I think we talked 35 min. longer. I immediately called Frankie and told him and then called Jennifer at Dr. Matthews office. She went ahead and gave me my final consult date with Dr. Matthews for June 25th.I am so happy and just so thankful to actaully know for a fact that I am able to have it done.For those of you that have made it this far and you know this feeling, isnt it great????? Finally ....thats all I can say...finally! and Thank you God for answering my prayers. Now...where do I find an angel????

June 25th
Frankie and I went to see Doc Matthews and my nutritionist Laurie Clifton. Not much went on with Doc, no date, nothing. Was told that it was too late in the evening for the scheduling and that they would call. Call???? My thought was you mean I drove all the way up here to be told that they would call me? Frankie took off work part of a day to be told they would call? I was not happy and neither was he. We both fumed out, disappointed and a tad ticked off. Went over to the hospital and seen Laurie and it was love at first site. That woman is amazing. She was so sweet and caring and really knew her stuff. We literally talked for hours. There is not a question or any thing that she could not answer and there was nothing we did not cover in those few hours. After seeing her I was truly ready. I could have went right then to have it done and not had any qualms about it....but of course I DIDNT HAVE A DATE!!!!!!! So home we go and here I sit still pouting.

June 26th
Well guess what? STILL NO DERN DATE YET!!!!! I have called them twice, talked to Jennifer once and still not a date. I am wondering now what the hold up is. Back to pouting!

June 27th
Just been sitting here pouting again....been going on for days. I went thru the mad spell, now its major pouting. And believe me when I pout it aint purty at all.

June 27th
I HAVE A DATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!I can hardly believe it myself, not 5 seconds after pouting to a friend, I got a call from Linda and I have a date! Sept. 22nd is the big day! Even got my preop date and my post op visit date with the doc. I am so elated! Gods work in my life has been amazing. Today I was in Walmart and was talking to a friend who I have known all my life and he was like I can not believe you are going to do this. Dont you know you could die??? I just looked at him. I said Dont you know I could die when I leave here and drive home? Dont you know I could die if I stay fat all my life and have a heart attack?? This is going to save my life because my faith in God is strong and I know he is going to take care of me. I would not be to this point in my life and this far into this surgery if it was not meant for me to have this. This is my salvation, my life saver. This is going to give me back my life. I am going to live! For those of you who do not know the pain of being overweight, the silent anguish we go thru when we are big. Then you dont know the feelings I am going thru right now. It is like having a terminal disease and being told you dont have it anymore. Angels among us. If you dont believe that then you've never had a miracle. There are angels and they live among us. There are miracles and I have been granted one. I have been given a chance to live, to love, to laugh again. At one point in my life I wanted to die. I couldn't take living the way I was. With the pain, the humiliation, the embarassment, the knowing that I was unhealthy. Now....I AM GOING TO LIVE!!!!

August 6, 2003
I have not gotten my approval letter from BC/BS. They have assured me that I was in fact approved for surgery and that my letter was in the correspondence department. BUT for months??? I dont think so. If anyone else has had this trouble please email me and give me your advice. I dont know what to do. I am so scared that I wont get a letter before Sept. 22. Please pray for my patience and that I might get this letter to ease my mind. Goodness knows I need all the prayers I can get! Thanks you guys and all my WLS friends. I love you all!

August 7, 2003
God's watching and listening again! I called BC/BS and they said to not worry, I am indeed going to get a letter, its just in backlog. They sent in a rush for it but it will not be a problem if I do not get it before the surgery. Thank goodness I was so worried. I can breath easy now. I can't wait til surgery. I have went to GNC and spent a couple 2-3 hours going over all the protien goodies and drinks and stuff and suprisingly they are not too bad. Nothing that tasted like chalk or potty water lol. I can live with that! Now if I could only look like one of those women on the bottles! NOT! God does have a sense of humor remember and I think He got a good laugh out of giving me fat rolls! Until my next post....May God light your path and be your harbor in the storms!

August 11,2003
Good Morning! I just wanted to say that I saw a friend of mine, Donna who has had surgery in March, she is 19 lbs away from her 100lb.- goal and she looks wonderful! Good job hon and I am so very very proud of you. We have been friends for as long as I can remember and have been thru all the struggles of boys, friends, husbands, children,loss of loved ones and weight. This is one battle I am so glad we are sharing. Thank you girl for your encouragement and your love, friendship and support. Cant wait to be skinny minnies together!

Frankie, I dont know when you will see this, I know you dont get on this computer much but maybe you will see it soon. I love you darlin'. More than anything in life. You are my life and I want to thank you for putting up with me for all these years and all the struggles that we have been thru. I love you more each day we are together. Without you none of this would be as meaningful. I know people always say do this for yourself, I cant, I am doing this for us, for you and me and all those times I gave you grief and blamed everything on my being fat. All those times I didn't want to go out and do anything because I was fat, and all those times we wanted to try things and couldn't because I was fat. I can't wait to have you wrap your arms around me and pick me up for the first time! My heart and soul is forever yours, and I will always love you. The thought of growing old with you makes me feel alive again. And after all this time, your still the one.....

August 21, 2003
30 days to go! At this point I feel at peace. I am so excited about having this done but I am really mellowed out. I have likened this to having a baby. You know when you get to that ninth month and your tired of waiting and your excited and you know that its almost time. That is what this is like. Speaking of babies, my new neice is due just a twelve days before surgery so it has really kept me so busy.

August 28th
I am getting a new neice today!!!!!I am so excited. Getting a new neice and in 24 days a new me! Goodness I am so so blessed. You all keep my baby sis in your prayers and I'll update on my new blessing as soon as she arrives!

August 29, 2003
She's here!!!!! I have a new neice, she is Joyce Paige Young. She was born at 4:08 pm yesterday. She weighed in at 5 lbs and 9 ozs and was 19 inches long. OMG she is absolutely gorgeous! She has curly dark hair and big blue eyes.She is such an angel! Mom and baby are both doing wonderfully.Paige is named after my mom Joyce who passed away in 1998. I know if mom is looking down she is so proud of her new grandbaby! I have her big brother staying with me until they all come home from the hospital...he is two...oh goodness ya'll pray for me! I forgot how much of a handful they can be!

Sept. 7th, 2003
Ok,went out to spend the day with my hubby, kids, my sis Lynn, bro Allan and nephew Jake. We packed in my new truck,hehe I broke down and bought an Expedition! Anyways, here we go to Tuscaloosa to spend the day. Comes time to go out for lunch. Kids are screaming TACO BELLLLLLLLLL. nope no way, not a chance. I am dying at this point because I know that I can not fit in the booths at Taco Bell without having to lie certain body parts on the table. Kids still screaming, but how do you explain this to them???? Well I had heard enough and I did exactly that. Let me tell you that my ten year old cracked up and died laughing. Him being the clown that he is says well just sit your plate on top of them mom! OMG>>had the boy not been in the third row and me in the front I swear I would have smacked him. Let this be a lesson to all of you. Do not talk candidly in front of your children....God installed that smart alek gene in them and this is when it kicks in! Needless to say we did not go to Taco Bell. Now I only have two weeks to go!!!!I will be a loser! *running around room chanting* I will be a loser. Wow two weeks! I am so nervous, so excited and scared out of my wits folks. This is a big step isnt it? I sit and reflect on how I came to this...wait its coming to me......OBESITYHELP.COM!!!! I have to say that joining this site has been a total godsend for me. Thank you all my AMOS family and friends for making this journey with me. I have found the support I needed here and I thank all of you from the bottom of my big ole heart. Its the only part of me that I simply love being big! But after Sept. 22nd, no more fat!!! And I do swear it, I am going to take that cute lil smart alek clown of a son of mine to Taco Bell and I am going to sit right on down in that booth..and drink my protien shake and smile because I CAN FIT! God love him, he and my daughter have been so sweet and loving about this but they are scared and have asked many times Mommy can you die from this. I simply say baby yes I could, but you know I am in Gods hands and He will take care of me and everything will be just fine and we are going to spend the rest of our lives having a ball! Remember folks, if God brings you to it, He will see you thru it and why worry? GOD'S IN CONTROL!

Sept. 16, 2003
Ok Ok I haven't updated in a few days but I have been totally busy with trying to get my house clean and in order and all things ready to go. The big day is in 5 days!! Cant believe it. I have been on angel duty the last week. Grady had his surgery on Monday the 8th and is doing wonderful. I looked in the mirror this morning and lo and behold there are people sitting on my shoulders. On one side there is this angel and the other side this devious cat who is grinning like a possum shittin' persimmon seeds. What are they doing there you ask? Well its this eat while you can syndrome I am having. Is this normal? Heck fire this is why I am fat now! But here I am warming spaghetti as we speak and drinking a big ole tall glass of pepsi. What is wrong with me?? I know I should not be doing this yet that devious cat with that grin is agging me on to do it. What about the angel on the other side, well that heiffer is laffing her hynie off and saying go ahead girl eat eat, this will be the last time I am going to let you do this. So what do I do?? Dont know, I'll tell ya after I finish this bowl of homeade spaghetti and pepsi!

Sept. 18, 03
Well I finished that spaghetti off. Made me sick as a dog. So today it was a peach and water. Going to eat at Ma's tonight (Frankies mom) and she always has something that will make your mouth water. If anyone asked me what I will miss most about not getting to eat what I want, it will have to be Ma's cooking. We all get together, laugh, cut up and eat. We are some healthy eaters too! Even those kids can put away some food! I will miss it but I will not miss the stomach aches, the pounding heart, the fat booty or the sitting around watching while everyone else gets to play. I want to be the one out running with those kids and playing ball and I will be you just watch and see!
I had my preop today. Took my blood, answered some questions, checked my breathing, and yes the dreaded weighing. I HAVE GAINED TO 258. I almost balled right there. I knew that since I got my date.. I had not been watching what I eat and drink. I should have but I havent and now I have ten extra lbs to lose. I was at 248 when I seen Doc M the first time. Bad to say but I am looking for that mag citrate to take care of part of that ten. ewwwwww I hate that stuff but I guess I'll choke it down Sunday and watch it work, lol. 3 days to go...wow, getting close. No nerves, fear or anxiety. I was but I made things right with the Lord yesterday. I know its in His hands now and I know in my heart that I will be just fine.


Sept. 22, 2003 Here I am the morning of my surgery:

Sept. 25, 2003
You know I have the most wonderful hubby in the world. That man stuck with me thru all the pain I had on Monday and just his presence was better than any pain meds available. I am 4 day post op now and although it is getting much better, Monday was sheer hell. No on told me about gas pains. No one said it was the most horrendous pain you will ever endure. But it was. I thought I was dying. I will not sugar coat it, Monday I wanted to die when I woke up in SICU. I could not get any relief from the meds and they told me firmly that the next day would be like I was a new person and it was. But Monday was hell. NO two ways about it, PURE HELL> at that point I was not glad I had done this and I was not sure I was going to make it thru it. I have a high tolerance for pain, but this was more than I signed up for. I had a wonderful, caring, loving night nurse who made all the difference. I was not allowed to have Frankie with me the whole time. Only at certain visitation hours, which is normal for SICU but...I think it would have made all the difference just having him there. But that night after he left, my nurse BOBBIE BLAYLOCK who is an angel from heaven, she helped so much. She sang to me, got me high pain meds, and even rubbed my back from the gas pains. Before I went to sleep she even called my hubby so I could talk to him one last time so I could rest. Now that is an angel. I was able to get out of bed by 4 am and get a bath in my chair and the gas eased with the movement. So please, KEEP MOVING! It alleviates the gas pains and moves the pockets around. By morning 2 I was much better, went for my perk test which was perfect and by afternoon was in a regular room and walking the halls. By morning 3 I was up on my own, got my own bath and washed and fixed my own hair. This helped alot. The lying in bed was the worse. No hunger pains, too many gas pains to have hunger I suppose lol. Ride home...again sheer hell. The interstate from the hosp. to my home was rough and 15 minutes from my pop and ma's house where we would crash til kids got out of school, I realized hey I should recline my seat.....which I did and slept the rest of the way. Should have done it earlier is all I can say. lol I think the worse part of the whole thing other than the gas, I cant say anymore on that because pure hell seems to cover that, is the missing my kids and Frankie, I am not used to being away from them and when it comes to those three I am a huge baby. Now the hardest part is not being able to sleep next to him because of the incisions. I have to keep a pillow between us and I am so used to the contact that I am having a hard time relaxing. Would I do it all over again now? At this point yes definitely, because already I feel so much better and even can breath easier and the normal blood pressure is worth it! It has been normal since I got home! But IF I had any advice, Please ask about the gas pains and make sure you are prepared for them! I wasnt and I paid for it with hellish pain.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the support, emails, calls, cards, love and prayers. I appreciate it all and hold each of them close to my heart. Now for a nap! Until later taters!

Oct 27, 2003
Wow it has been a month since I posted! Shame on me. I have been so busy. I have been on OH alot but just havent took the time to post anything. I am sorry guys! As of this morning I am down to 218.5! Thats 39.5 lbs! I do hope I dont get to the docs next week and my scales be way off. There for a couple weeks I wasnt losing anything. I was severly constipated which I still am. That is no fun! I have drank the MOM but to no avail. Still stopped up. Any suggestions? Also, I havent eaten or drank like I should and boy am I paying for it. Severe dizziness has set in as well as simply feeling crappy. I talked to the doc and he said to double what I was eating, drinking and my protien. I was only eating maybe twice a day and just a few bites at a time. I doubt I was even getting in 16 ounces of liquid a day and I had quit drinking my protien because it was making me gag. Big big mistake. I quit losing and I became dehydrated. The drop in my blood pressure was partly to cause the dizziness. I have always had really high bp so its hard for my body to adjust. So word to all of you pre ops and recent post ops! EAT, DRINK, PROTIEN, EAT DRINK PROTIEN. PLEASE FOLLOW IT STRICTLY! WALK , WALK, WALK! You have to follow doctors orders closely. Otherwise you will pay for it.I know its hard to but you have to and its for your own good. As for eating, I pretty much can eat anything except, tuna, eggs and meats. I dont tolerate meats at all right now. I do well with pastas, cream soups and the sf puddings and jellos. Do not push yourself out of the stage you are in. If you are on liquids....stay on liquids, if your are on mush...stay on mush. Do not push. The end results are not worth it.I think the most important thing I have learned so far is to drink. But be sure it is sips. I have described to my husband the feeling of gulping water...like having a ice cream headache in your pouch. It is so painful. It will make you not want to drink but you have to. Well time to sign off and walk. You will find that your time after surgery is more limited. You stay more busy because you are reminding yourself to eat every two hours! Its a new concept for me to eat because I have to and not because my mind tells me to. I have had no hunger pains and honestly would go all day and not eat. But I have learned the hard way to make myself do it. You will to. Until later taters...be safe, happy and DONT WORRY, BE HAPPY!

November 17,03
Had my six week checkup last wed and was down 48 lbs!!! I am so thrilled and especially since I went to taco bell friday night and fit in the booth with room to spare! Thats an accomplishment in itself. Anyways, I was dehydrated and had an ulcer in my lil pouch which he prescribed nexxium for and is doing great. I can actually eat and not hurt! Energy is getting better and clothes are fitting better but still a long way to go. Rash developing under my breasts this week. I got it cleared up with my handy dandy Lotramin but its left big ole white spots that resemble scars. I seem to be keeping a rash there and under my belly with the more weight I lose. I had them all the time before surgery from so much loose skin from previous weight loss but thought when I lost weight it would clear up. Nope, getting worse.

Dec. 1, 03
Been a while since I posted. Weight loss has not been what I was hoping for. I am still not eating as much as I should and some say this is why I am not losing. Seems I have been stuck on a plateau for a while now. Several weeks actually. I dont know what to do. I did have a good day, went to Taco Bell and although I threw up what I ate, I was able to fit in the booth with room to spare! My kids were happy as lil pigs cause they love Taco Bell. I am still mainly eating soups. Cant do meat well at all. There are times I can eat something and it go down fine and then days when nothing wants to sit well. Although I havent had the depression that alot of post ops experience, I am quite frustrated at times. I was really hopeing to be under 200 even if it was just 199 by Nov. 30, which was my bday. Needless to say I didnt make it.To everyone that is starting this journey, even though at times its frustrating, I would do it all over again ten times and I am extremely thankful for the pounds I have lost. My BP is great, I feel wonderful, I can do so many more things and go alot farther than I was two months ago. And I am loving my clothes fitting better. I just wish the pounds would drop more :(. Have a horrid rash AGAIN. Itches like crazy and cant get it cleared up at all. I'm on my 3rd tube of cream (lotramin) this week alone!

Until later, take care and God Bless you all.

Dec. 5, 03
MY SCALES MOVED!Yippeee I am down to a fluffy 207 now! My bmi is under 40! Havent seen that in a while. The last time I was down this size, I was pregnant!I do have to say I need to eat more, my caloric intake is slim to none to the tune of never over 200 calories a day, so lately I have been eating a lil more even though it kills me to do so. I simply am not hungry. If your not hungry, you dont eat. So I dont. Water is coming along just fine and I am happy once more!

Jan. 15, 04
Ok Ok I have not updated in a while. Was so uptight with not losing I didnt want to admit I was on a plateau from hell! My scales are moving, slowly now. Snails pace and I am down this morning to 191. That is a 67 lbs loss. Would I do this again.Hell yeah I would. I havent felt this great in 15 years! I feel younger, stronger, healthier, happier, my marriage is better and even though my hair is falling out, I am estatic over this loss.I want down to 158 by April. I pray I make it. It is my only goal so far. Wish me luck and lots of love to each of you!

Feb. 17, 04
Been a month since I posted last. Been sick with mono, uti and a death in the family. Been rough lately. My eating sucks big time. Just simply cant eat. I am down now 82 lbs. I am wearing a size 16 in jeans and a 14/16 shirt. Wish I was down lower but I know I didnt gain it over night, I am not going to lose it over night. Still want to be 158 by Season which is now March 11th. So I really have to get on the ball and lose me another 25 lbs. Wish me luck!

Feb. 27, 04
Ok my scales are not moving again. I actually feel like I have gained weight which makes no sense seeing as how I dont eat enough to keep a bird alive as my hubby says. I have slacked off on my excercise but as much house work and running around that I do you would think it wouldnt make that big of a difference. Well apparently it does cause I'm not losing now. I dont know what to do. I eat healthy. I dont eat any sweets, no sugars, no carbs as far as pasta, rice, potatoes. I eat plenty protien, get plenty water so I know this is just a plateau. But i do know that its coming up on 6 months and I wanted to be down 100 lbs by then. I dont think I'll make it. From Jan 6th to Feb. 7th. I lost 15 lbs. I wish I could do that every month! I was hoping with my weight loss I would get rid of the rashes under my breasts and under my belly but nope, the more I lose the worse they get! Any suggestions? I have used creams from my pcp and my gyn but they dont work any better than lotramin cream from walmart.
Oh well...keep thinking about me and wish me luck I sure need it! Racing season is starting and we kicked off our season with a runner up win and a 3rd place finish the next day! Yipppeeee. I cant wait til our normal track opens, its hectic but I love the racing and I need the excercise lol. Until later...bye
taters!

March 1, 04
Scales dont want to move :( !!!!

March 9th, 2004
I am coming up on my 6mo. mark on the 22nd. I really had prayed to have 100lbs lost by then. I dont see it happening. I am so happy and thankful for what I have lost but I am so discouraged at this point. I excercise, I eat right and I drink the city of Brent dry in water.So What is holding me back? Dont know. I do know that for the past 3 weekends, we have raced and I have felt beyond wonderful. I dont get tired, give out or beg to go home. I am like the energizer bunny! I am so anxious for this weekend. My home track opens and even with seeing my best buddies several times here lately, I sure miss everyone and I miss that track. I cant wait. Was so funny, the first weekend of racing someone thought Frankie had remarried and then another lady didnt know who I was! That is an amazing feeling. Almost as good as the endless energy I have. Friday I even jumped on the trampoline with the kids! I've been learning to ride a bike. Colby has been teaching me so I think I have it licked now. I asked for a bike of my own so we'll see how that goes lol. Still got alot of junk in my trunk so I hope it has a big seat lol. Ive sent my 4 & 5 month pics in, I hope they get up soon! Odd, I've never liked pics before and even though I'm still a tad selfconcious, I don't mind near as much and that is good cause I know my best friend Penny will have her camera ready for opening race night at the Beach!
Just a note...is this an awesome profile or what? I have to thank Vickie on the HTML staff at OH for helping me and working with me on this. I know I was picky and had some odd requests but Vickie you did fabulous! Thanks so much girl!
Until later taters....LETS GO RACING!
5 Month pic below:

March 10, 2004
Scales still arent moving. I am ready to throw them out the window. I am walking 3 miles daily but its not helping. At this point I am about in tears. Is this the end of my loss? I cant help but think that. I talked to a person who used to be a good friend. They informed me that the last 6 months they couldnt be friends with me due to my surgery.That I would make them feel bad. I'm sorry. You might have to feel bad, I changed my life for the better, not to please anyone else. Am I wrong to feel this way?

March 15, 04
Attention. hmmm This is something I really dont know how to deal with. The last time I got attention from the opposite sex was back in high school! This weekend, of course we went to the track and people were noticing the difference in me now and back in Sept. when I last went racing. Men are smiling, commenting and just looking. I dont know how to deal with that. I'm married yes but I know how to deal with Frankies attention. :) He is looking more and watching more and even acts a tad jealous at times but I can see pride in his expressions now. Thats another thing I dont know how to deal with. I blush when my own hubby looks at me! But this other..whew its something new and goodness it does feel good. But it also bothers me some. People in general who wouldnt have even spoke to me 6 months ago are now stopping and chit chatting. I am the same person I used to be. I have changed and not only on the outside.I feel like I've become a better person. I know even though Ive lost weight I have also gained. I have gained my self esteem back, my self confidence, my own self worth. I have gained my pride and gained my youth back. I feel so much younger now! I played football with the boys yesterday and had a ball. Of course my poor body is bruised and battered this morning lol. They put a whoopin' on mama! Lance my son's best friend said " I cant tackle her! She's your mama!" but Colby chimed in" yes you can, she's tough and she can handle it! " lol what was mom supposed to do but handle it! Rode 4 wheelers and I tell you that son of mine has some skills when it comes to riding fast, hard and he doesnt mind one bit slinging it sideways and hollering for mama to hang on lol. Good thing I learned to ride like a pro back in my younger days! He gave me the best compliment. Funny how the ones that matter the most to you are the ones that come from the children. I mean I love all my compliments although I dont know quite how to take them yet but im learning. But those from my kids are the most special. He said "Mama I didnt used to want to ride with you cause I was scared I couldnt drive with you cause you weighed more. Now I love it, you weigh less and you are more like riding with my best friend now. Mama your pretty cool to be with now...for a mama!" lol Now is that the best compliment or what? lol Still has me chuckling over it. Anyways, I am just really baffled at all the " I didnt recognize you!" comments. I really dont see that big of a difference. But I am flattered and proud and I'm very proud of the pride on my familys faces. Even my closest friends, I can see a difference in all of them. I just didnt know how much my weight affected my attitude until I look back and see just what kind of person I had become before wls. No wonder I didnt like myself. Heck I was hard to get along with!
Scales still are not moving, whats up with that? Walking my butt off, eating right...dern plateaus...who invented them things anyways? I've noticed with warm weather, my rashes are getting worse. Personal Hygeine is harder to take care of, the creams, the powder, the gut sucker to hold the loose skin up. Jesus trying to take care of all of this is a chore in itself.

April 8th, 2004
Well those scales moved. In the opposite dang direction! Went back yesterday to my pcp for a checkup and had gained 5lbs since Mid March weigh in. Ive lost 17 lbs since Feb. 7th...but gained 5 since mid March! Doc says its water weight and muscle gain. I had lost inches, moved from a size 16 to 14's but seeing those scales back up and go the other way is so disheartening. Doc wasnt worried and said I was averaging 2 lbs a week loss. I know I should be thankful for the loss of 87 lbs. When could I have ever lost 87 lbs in 6 months before? But goodness who would have thought I would gain!
It has been rough around here lately and my excercise has stopped. My son Colby had a 4 wheeler wreck, got himself a weeks vacation in Childrens Hospital and 2 surgeries to repair a fractured femur. Has a bruised pelvis and kidneys and numerous bruises and scrapes all over himself. He flipped his uncles 4 wheeler but is a very lucky lil guy. Could have been much worse and we are thankful the Lord was watching over him. Anyways, gonna be a long haul with him, he is in a wheelchair right now and is learning to master his crutches with no weight on his leg. He is out of school until the 19th and once he goes back I can start my walking and excercising fulltime. Right now I have to help him do everything and I honestly think its building my muscle mass up. The blame chair alone is heavy as crap and getting it over into the back of my Expedetion is a feat. I do it willingly and with love cause I am so very very lucky to have this child still with me. He has really scared the daylights out of his mom and I guess I am being a mama hen cause I cant bear to let him out of my sight. You know us mamas, we think no one can take care of our children as well as we can! Anyways, my eating has become a fiasco. I graze cause I dont take the time for a meal. A cracker here, slice of cheese there...dont know when I have really ate a meal lately. Its only been almost 2 weeks but I can tell a difference. That head hunger from stress is back and I am battling the hell out of it. Send me some good vibes here, I desperately need back on the wagon and get back on track badly!I need to dump more water into my system. I have managed maybe 20 ounces a day lately and that is not good. We all know how important that water is to us!

April 12th, 04
Went to the doc last Wed. I have lost only 17 lbs since Feb. 7th. And ....gained 5lbs since my last weigh in which was mid march. Doc said was water weight and muscle gain and that I was still doing great. But gaining 5 lbs is disheartening. She says to me again...eat more. Sheesshhhh, never had anyone telling me to eat before! I have gained in height though. I always wanted to be taller! Ive went from 5' nothing to 5'1! yippeeeee Mentioned to her my rashes and showed her. She said since Lotramin was working to keep using it, that nothing was going to make it go away as long as I had the loose skin. Its actually a yeast type rash. Oh boy, a lifetime of having a rash. Sheesh!
Colby is still recovering, taking him a while but with prayers he will be just fine. Gonna be a long haul for my little man though. He is kinda down in the dumps, being chair bound so much. But it will get better!

April 27, 04
just a quickie, Colby is doing better and still in his wheel chair. Hopefully he will be up and at it soon. Keep him in your prayers!
I went to weigh yesterday and I lost 2.5 lbs. That puts me to 167 and 9 lbs away from the century club. I hope and pray i make it but im skeptical. Been lifting some weights and I think Im gaining muscle instead of loosing alot. I also am to the point I think that I am going to lose very very slowly. I really really want to make it to goal. I dont want it to take forever and a day and that is the way its looking. I want to be at 120 so badly. At times now I get down and wonder if I am failing at this. I know deep down in my heart that I am not but you know how our "fat" minds work. WE all think we are failing. I see people who have lost a hundred to hundreds of pounds in the same 7 months as me but have to remind myself to not compare and that they were not a light weight starting out like I was. Crackers...lately crackers are my downfall. Ill grab a cracker instead of eating a small meal...just grab one or two crackers and call it eating. They are quick, easy and go down pretty darn good. Downfall......carbs and not real healthy. Got to break myself of this grab and go stuff. I have to get back on the wagon so to speak. On a good note, went out on a "date" with hubby last friday night and on the way home he informed me that I was the best looking gal in the whole place. Coming from my hubby, this is a huge compliment!

June 2, 04
I havent updated in a month. Been a depressing month to say the least. I weighed several weeks ago and had gained a pound. I know I shouldnt be upset over one pound but I was. I know it was muscle and I know I shouldnt stress over it but to a big person, gaining one pound is hell. I was so close to the century club. If my sisters scales are right, I am down to 165, that puts me 7 pounds from losing 100 lbs. I have a good ways to go for me. I want to lose another 45 lbs. People are telling me no. They say Ive lost enough. They dont live in my body. They dont live in my mind and they arent squeezing all this loose skin in clothes. I am so ready for my plastics. Knowing there will be no more rashes under my breasts and belly and no more back aches or shoulder pain. I daydream of getting reconstructive surgery.
Financially there is no way for me to even think about it right now. Even though I have insurance, it wont pay for all of it. I will still owe the doctors fees. I want a full tummy tuck and a boob lift. Thats a have to case. That will have to be done. I keep a rash under my panni and my breast so theres no doubt I need it. My bat wings...grrrrr its hard to shave sometimes because of the loose skin. Id love to have them done too but who knows. Ill more than likely have to just live with them. Same for these thunder thighs I have. I was cursed with having my familys thighs. I come from a rather long line of big gals so coming from both family sides well I aint got a chance in hell lol. I did the little test on www.am-I-fat.com and I have a big frame, well large that is. I dont know if this is good or bad? I am still waiting for the day when my bmi falls in the normal category and out of the obese or overweight range. For once in my life I would love to be normal. Will that ever happen? lmao please, me & normal in the same sentence ? no way lol. I guess its gonna happen one day. One day I'll wake up and see a skinny gal looking at me from my mirror. I keep telling myself this cause if I dont, I'll get discouraged and cry. No tears, cant have that. I have tried so hard thru this journey to be strong, to have a positive outlook. Its harder than anyone knows. For all those people who claim that wls patients take the easy way out.....try it just for one week. I can guarantee you that after one week, you'll change your thinking!
Measurements: I havent posted my measurements since surgery. I guess its time to do that. You know that is one thing I regret. I wish I had posted them to begin with so I could see the change. Here it goes :)
biceps : 13"
calves: 15"
thighs: 20"
hips: 40"
waist: 34"
breast: 38"
neck: 12"
wrists: 6"
forearms: 9"
shoe size 6 1/2 (down from a size 8)
shirt size: large (down from a size 28 or a 3-4x)
jeans size: 14 (down from a 28 or a 3x)
ring size 6 1/2 (down from a size 9)
panties size 7 (down from a size 14)
bra size 38 d (down from a size 48ddd)
I have alot of loose skin. I have started taking pics of it and of the rashes for the consult with the plastic surgeon. somehow this seemed like a really good thing to do. I dont know for sure but I think I have somewhere in the neighborhood of about 20lbs total loose skin. I keep telling myself that if I had the surgery right now that would only make me 25 lbs from my overall goal of 120 lbs. IT helps but I cant kid myself. I still have a ways to go. Its been wonderful and I am very proud of myself but I do have work that needs to be done. Been thinking about turning a tape into the swan show. wonder if they would do me without touching my face? I would gladly have any kind of plastics as long as it doesnt involve my face. I kinda like it now lol.
Well need to get my fat bootie out and walk so im off. Just needed to post an update. Thanks guys! love you all!

June 4, o4
Made my follow up appt. with my surgeon for next week so I decided to go to my pcp and weigh this morning to compare my weight there to my surgeons scale. two and a half weeks ago I weighed and I had gained a lb. I was at 168. Today when I weighed...drumroll.... I was down to 160! 8lbs gone! This tickles the chit out of me because that is a mere 2 lbs from making the century club! Almost 100 lbs in 8 months. I tell you that aint too shabby! That puts me about 40 lbs from goal. I will know more on what my goal weight is when I see Dr. John next Wed. he hasnt set a goal weight for me just yet. I have went according to what my PCP has suggested which is 120. According to the charts I have a large frame so I think that puts my goal a little higher if I am correct. I just know that I want to look on the charts and see normal! I have even gotten crazy at times and said it wouldnt be so bad to be underweight but I wont go to that extreme. I just want to be happy. I am getting there. Each day is a struggle. I struggle with body dismorphing. I still look and see that big ole huge fat woman staring back at me. The one who hates herself and is ashamed. But I have to talk to myself and remind me that I am doing wonderful and that I am a changed person. A very close friend explained to me just yesterday that I was worthy. You know what? I am. I deserve this. And I am becoming the person God wants me or intends for me to be. I am loved by Him no matter how small or how large I am. Maybe my goal on earth is to be an inspiration to someone else who has or is struggling. Who knows. I do know that for the first time in a very very long time, I like me. :) Toodles guys!

OH OH OH, I was just looking at a chart and realized something. According to the BMI chart my BMI is 29 which is just in the overweight category! I am no longer obese of any form! And on the weight loss planner here on OH I am 1lb shy of being right on target for losing 100% of my excess weight and being at a goal of 126 as it states, that makes me 34lbs from goal! Sheeze louize that stuns me to my toes, which by the way I can paint now without huffing and puffing and falling out of my chair lol. dont ya just love being a loser!

June 10, 04
I MADE IT! I MADE IT TO THE CENTURY CLUB! Had my 8 month checkup yesterday and I have lost 101 lbs! I was 157 when he weighed me. Needless to say I cried right there on the scales, but thankfully all the nurses and Doc. John knew just how important a moment it was for me. Overall I got a really good report. My pouch still is not able to hold over 3 ounces and should be attempting to hold 6 by this time in my post op. This he says is due to the fact that I simply DO NOT eat and I'm not allowing it to stretch as normal. He did mention a form of anorexia which is scarey but he says that I am showing signs of. Yes, I do realize that most people think that chubby people or overweight people can NOT be anorexic. Well that is wrong. We can and he thinks I am. I have this fear. Actually I have several when attributed to this surgery and my loss. But one being that anything I eat will make me fat. So therefore in the natural process of this thinking, I simply will not eat. I eat when I have to, but normally its when someone is watching and making sure I do. Otherwise I'll go all day without a bite. now you say well isnt that the purpose of this surgery, to not eat? No its not.The purpose of this surgery is to control your eating HABITS. This surgery is a tool to be used in your lifestyle change. You have to change the way you eat, what you eat, quantity of what you eat. Its a tool, you use it in conjunction with all these changes that you HAVE to make in your life to have the positive results of weight loss. I firmly believe that you can eat yourself out of this surgery. You can eat around it. It is possible to stretch the pouch to the proportions to where it will allow you to gain weight. Doing that is not as easy as it seems but still possible. Daily eating of things that are bad for you, constant grazing, overeating at meals, drinking with meals, all these things are steps to overeating your surgery. Herein comes my fear, one bite too much, something too high in calories, fat, carbs, etc. Drinking too much is a fear for me. That is an anorexic thought. when you feel that drinking too much will cause you to gain weight even when that drink my be the sustanance of life....water. Doc. John pointed these things out to me yesterday. Anorexic thoughts, lead to anorexic behavior, which in turn leads to anorexia. Its a mental game people. Its a game that is imperative that we win.


August 14th
The part of my profile from June until now has been totally lost. :(
You can view my pics at picturetrail, the link is above.

JUNE 17, 2008

WOW! All I can say is what was I thinking? It has been four years since I have signed on to OH! Big mistake! So much has happened in the past four years. It would take four more to tell you all about it so heres the shortest version possible:
Bad news:
I lost down to 138, got the big head, lost touch with reality, almost wrecked my marriage and lost everything I had.
Good news:
I know a loving, caring, forgiving God. A God of mercy and grace. I am now content, happy, madly in love with my husband of 20 years. Our marriage is stronger, we are both drug and alcohol free, very active in our church, with our youth group and I have two of the most amazing kids! God has been so very very good to me. I am very blessed. IF you dont know Christ, if you dont have a relationship with Him or if you just need to do like me and rededicate your life to Him, dont wait. He is there waiting on you! All you have to do is ask! He knows your heart and He forgives all! Message me or email me, I'll be glad to share my testimony with all of you!
On another note...what has brought me back to OH...well after hitting rock bottom, being picked up, brushed off and set back on my feet, (thank you Jesus! Youre awesome!) I became the happiest woman in the world and in doing so...I quit paying attention to my weight, I quit worrying about losing one more lb. I didn't quit taking care of myself, I just simply focused all my attention to my new Christian life, became so involved with my family, my church that I I quit dieting. Big mistake. I should have paid attention to that too. I failed to realize that having gastric bypass in the first place was Gods doings. He gave me that second chance to get healthy. But He also taught me a valuable lesson in the process. Its not about ME! I wanted to live my life for ME. NOT! Now here I am.....back up to 180. Yes I said 180. I do not want to become that self centered all about me person again, but I do want to lose what I have gained and get back to the healthy me. I am healthy mentally, emotionally and spiritually but I need the physical health back. I walked this morning and forgot how out of shape I have become. One mile and I was winded. This is not going to cut it! I know by giving all this up to Christ and asking Him to help me with it is the answer. Thru Christ all things are possible. But I find myself back here for the moral support. For the support of people who have been there, who know what I am going thru. I have been thru gastric bypass and three plastic surgeries. Thats way too much to sit here and let myself gain my weight back. I know its Satan. I know he has done this to me. I have come to love all things sweet. I tolerate sugar pretty well. Which we all know is a mistake. I still only drink sugar free things which baffles my hubby to no end. How can I eat a honey bun but refuse a glass of sweet tea? lol Bread......another of Satans creations. I have found myself the last couple months eating and throwing up. I make myself. I eat, I throw up. I dont lose any weight from it. But it takes the guilt of eating what I wasnt supposed to eat away. Again......Satan. Ole Lucifer really knows how to do a job on you. What he doesnt realize is.....I have a bigger person on my side. Lucifer wont win. I have Christ in my corner. But I know that I have to do the physical part on my own. I have to have that willpower to not pick up those things and eat them. Or to stick my finger down my throat to relieve the guilt of eating something I wasnt supposed to. Heres my prayer for today:
Dear Lord,
You are such an awesome God! I love you beyond anything I have ever known and I thank you for your mercy and your grace. I thank you for my life that involves You Lord. Father God I come to you today to ask that You reach down and pick me up again Lord. I need Your help. I have come so far in my journey of losing this weight and I have battled Satan each step and I let him win. Lord God I am asking you humbly to help me. I know we must all journey thru the valleys to reach Your mountain. I am in that valley Lord. I have gained this weight and I need help shedding it. I never want to get to where I was emotionally and mentally when I was smaller Lord. But I do want to lose some of the weight so that I can be healthier physically. Before when I lost Lord, I lost for me. It was all about me. I ask this time Lord for you to be part of it. I ask that You be right there in the middle. Whatever I do in life Lord I ask that it glorify you. I need to set a better example for my children. Help me in this fight Lord. I give this battle over to You. Thank You Lord for this glorious day, forgive me for where I fail you Lord, In Christs Name. Amen