Reality

You were my answer for everything –

My celebration when I was happy, my comforter when sad

My company when lonely,  my filler when empty.

I would look to you to mark every holiday, event, and family gathering as I knew you would always be there.

You were dependable, reliable, and ever present.

Then I betrayed  you. 

I altered my body so you and I could no longer connect.

Without warning – you were shunned from my life and our relationship was forever altered.

But I miss you.  What do I do now with the time, with the desire, with the need for you?

It is an ongoing battle between body and mind.

Though physically, I got what I wanted, mentally, I suffer for the loss.

I try to replace you – a futile effort that only leads to self-destruction.

Now, you are utilitarian in function.  Now, there is no joy in our meeting.  Now, you are but a tool to continue living.

How did this happen?  What have I done?

You are but fuel to keep my body alive – nothing more.

Though dysfunctional, I miss our relationship, I am saddened by the loss.

I feel like a freak in my own body – with physical signs of our previous relationship reminding me daily of what we once had.

One day I will be over this – I tell myself that everyday. 

But as the days, months, and years pass, I realize you were more to me than you should have ever been.

I was addicted to you.  I allowed you to fill the holes that existed within myself, that can only be filled through self evaluation and healing.

You are still with me – but a shadow of the one I knew.  We are no longer lovers yearning for one another, but merely acquaintances that pass on a busy city street with a polite nod.

I must let go of what we once had, and accept our new fate.

The mourning must end and I must move on.

I must look within myself for the answers and realize it was never you who  held them for me.