For anyone who is married or in a relationship....

on 7/10/06 11:42 pm - W. Bridgewater, MA
I had posted the on the wrong board...I wanted to post on this one. HELLO my fellow September friends! Its been a long time since I've been here. I can't believe that it will be 2 years this September. I have been away for a while for the fact that I have been having some ups and downs in my life and didn't want to bring people down with me. But I have to ask because this seems to be a never ending battle with me since surgery. Has anyone been having marital troubles since their surgery? What have you done to help save the relationship? I think I have done everything possible, including sacrificing any type of social life I could have. Its not working. I offered marriage counselling once and he refused. I am so borderline going the BIG "D". Its not what I want to do but he is forcing me to. He has started to become silently controlling. IE: Not saying I can't go out but giving me a hassle if I want to or if I suggest that I want to. But he can come and go as he pleases but God forbid I do the same. I have had it. I am going to go to my therapist and I have a number of a lawyer that I am going to call but I wanted input from you all here before I go with drastic measures. I don't want divorce but right now, I cannot find any other solution. And it didn't help with my in-laws putting a big wedge between us. They are 80% of our marital problems as well. I thought I would add that to the list of issues. LOL. But seriously, I don't know what to do. How did you handle your marital problems since WLS? Any advice or suggestions would be eternally grateful. This will probably come off as an excuse but I have slacked off taking my supplementals. I think its been at least 3 months since I have taken them, between work and home. Any suggestion would be extremely welcomed. Positive Criticism (if that makes sense) It feels really good posting this. Even if no one answers. I just feel so alone right now. My eating habits have been extremely bad. I haven't taken my vitamins or calcium citrate. Thanks for listening. It feels good to be back again. Hugs, Erin O'Brien
on 7/11/06 1:26 am - Indianapolis, IN
Erin, First of all, big huggs. I'm a firm believer that if you have a wonderful marriage pre-op, you will post-op...but if your marriage has problems pre-op, WLS will not fix those problems but most likely bring them to the surface. I feel the same way about having babies. DH is visually handicapped and every since he had to put his business up for sale due to his vision getting so bad that he was considered medically & legally blind, we have had marital problems...every 6-8 months. This started 5 years definately pre-op. Everything will be going great and then out of the blue I will get an email from him telling me that things aren't working out, that we should go our own ways. Every time I talk things through with him & things calm down until the next round. Myself, I think it's an attention getter. While I am at work, he's home feeling sorry for himself. I am however to the point of being tired of going through this. I feel like my world is turned upside-down each time this occurs. I can't help but wonder if the next time won't be the time I throw my hands up and say 'yep, you're right'. The last time was about 4 weeks ago and I am no where near letting my guard down this time around...which usually I do after about 2 weeks. Instead, I am tryng to prepare myself financially for should that occur. It sounds like your marriage wasn't exactly perfect pre-op. If it were, your in-laws wouldn't be a big factor (btw..I think I love my mother-in-law as much or more than I do my dh...and DEFINATELY more than I do my step-daughter (who is 30)). If your dh is being so controlling that you aren't taking care of yourself as you should and can't be yourself...why would you want to save this marriage? Prepare yourself to make it on your own..mentally, physically, financially. After you do that, and ONLY after you do that, let him know that you both ARE going to marriage counseling or you are leaving him. Take the bull by the horns. But protect yourself first. My sister is going through a divorce and did NOT do this...her ex removed everything from the house and has it all in storage somewhere..and she has no idea where. He bounced their checking accounts & ran up the cell phone charges (that was in her name). He did everything he could to make things hard on her. So....before you lay down the law, protect yourself. Best wishes..... Sherri
on 7/11/06 2:52 am - W. Bridgewater, MA
Oh Sherri, Thank you so much for your post. *tearing* I have been so torn about everything. He has a tendency to make everything seem its my fault things are wrong, my fault that the kids misbehave, my fault we are financially struggling. It seems nothing I do is right. So I want to scream, "Well, why are YOU still with me then if I am this horrible person." BIG HUGS BACK TO YOU!!! I wonder myself why I want to save this marriage. Things (I believe) went sour when I had my stillborn son. I don't know. But I will try my best to get us into counselling and if that doesn't help, then there is no hope for our marriage. (Although, I don't see any hope in it now but I am willing to try) HUGS FOR YOU TOO! Marriage is so hard when one does all the work. I hope things get better for you too. Hugs & Support, Erin
on 7/12/06 1:51 am
Oh Honey!! Bless your heart!!! I am sooooooo sorry that you are having to deal with all this. I know it must be miserable. I'm not married, so I have NO advice for that, but I HAD to write and encourage you to GET BACK ON THOSE VITAMINS!!! Losing your health along WITH your marriage will only make life worse!!! Remember that we do NOT absorb vitamins from everything that we eat, so we NEED to take those supplements!! Do it for your children if for not for yourself!! And I will PRAY for your marital situation. It does not sound like either of you actually wants "out", so I think there IS hope. Stay in touch with us... Having a support group ALWAYS helps. Sometimes just being able to write things down is good... Hugs, Pam
on 7/12/06 9:19 pm - W. Bridgewater, MA
Thank you so much for the support. I know. I have to get back on track. It is so hard. (I knew the whole process wasn't going to be easy) I can't use stress as an excuse not to take the vitamins. I don't want to get sick. You're right. I am so glad I came back because I know that you all understand. I missed being here. I will just take one day at a time and I will have to post notes all around the house and at work to remind myself not to forget to take them. I also noticed, (and please pardon being so blunt and graphic) that when I take my calcium that I "bind" when I use the ladies room. *blush* Does anyone else have that problem? As for my marriage, I will just take one day at a time and see if he will go to counseling with me. If he doesn't or if he doesn't forsee that we have problems, then there is nothing left for me to do but to do the "D" word. It will kill me to do it but a marriage works both ways. It takes more than one person to keep it alive and healthy. Both partners have to participate so to speak. And if he isn't willing to do that, then there is nothing else I can do. Thank you ladies for your support and reminding me that I have to be good to myself and keep myself healthy both spiritually, mentally and physically. I cannot tell you how much your kind words really helped. Love, Erin
on 7/16/06 4:41 pm - in the forest........., MO
Revision on 09/30/13
Erin... I am so sorry that you are in this predicament right now. I have been where you are at now.... and it hurts... really hurts. The following is just my take on things... If you love him and if you do not want a divorce then don't get one. You mentioned counseling but said that he wouldn't go. GO WITHOUT HIM AND TELL HIM THAT YOU ARE GOING AND THAT HE IS WELCOMED TO ....but if he chooses not to go that is HIS problem and not yours. You mentioned going out but he hassles you about it so your restrict it? Do the same. Offer for him to come but let him know that if HE chooses not to go that is HIS choice and not yours. Therefore it is HIS problem. Nip it in the bud. Do not let him manipulate the situation to where you feel badly for making the choice. It is his way of controlling you... he won't choose to be a part of what ever it is you are doing therefore if you do it alone it becomes YOUR problem and not his. State it out front and let it be known that if he chooses not to partake it can't come back on you. As for inlaws. If they are a bone of contention in your family just do your level best to not have to interact with them at all if you can help it. If you have to just keep things polite and cordial. Do NOT let them push your buttons. If your husband is manipulative and controlling he had to learn if from somewhere... GO FIGURE WHERE?? THAT IS RIGHT...HIS FAMILY. Do not let them suck you into their mindgames. As my parents always said... lift someone up to your level and refuse to allow them to pull you down to theirs. Hold that head high and always act like a lady even when it is the hardest thing to do. Take care of yourself. Eat regular good meals. Take your supplements. How you treat yourself and how you hold yourself in your marriage DOES affect others. I don't know much about your husband but I would wager that he is probably a pretty unhappy miserable person. Sometimes seeing how positive, vibrant and happy a person is ...IS the biggest motivator to another person to try to emulate them. Sadness begets sadness... Happiness begets....... ((HUGS)) to you on this Sunday evening... I am thinking of you honey.. and wishing you peace and serenity. Please let us know how things are going... Elizabeth~
on 7/17/06 3:35 am - W. Bridgewater, MA
All, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the sincere words. I am so relieved that I came back here. This group is still the best ever. Everyones post, I have to say has really helped. I still go back and read over when I feel bad. You are all right. I have all my life, put everyone else first. So much that I have placed myself low on the shelf. I have been forgotton or just taken off whenever anyone needs something. I am "ole reliable". But God forbid that I have needs and wants. God forbid I say something that someone doesn't like or approve of..... I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR! I am not that placemat that I was when I was 100 lbs heavier. Now that I feel good about myself and have some confidence back and want to do things, it throws hubby all in a loop. IE: I love bowling. He doesn't. A male friend (and yes, he is only just a male friend...I almost wish he were a woman because we are very very close...just NOT THAT way) loves to bowl as well. So I go bowling. My hubby had a fit because I went bowling. I told him...."Listen, you don't enjoy bowling. Why should I stop bowling because YOU don't like it? I enjoy it!" Well, that didn't go over well. I have to thank you all for the wonderful advice and comments. Seriously. I just starting feeling so low and depressed. But for a quick update: I think my hubby knows that I am ready to call it quits because he has been kissing my fanny the last couple of days. Asking my opinion, doing stuff that I like....(he NEVER asks my opinion about anything....its usually his way or NO way) But I made a committment. I am not going to quit without a fight. I don't want divorce so I am going to give it a shot. (It all depends how long the butt kissing doesn't usually last long and that is NOT what I want either...I want my man back...I want to have fun with him not w/o him.) I am babbling. But I thank you thank you all for the wonderful support and I will keep you updated if anything major comes along. I will ask a favor. Please please please, remind me once in a while about my supplements. I have to get back on them again. I did join Curves so I will be going after work. So I guess that is a positive step in the right direction. (I had even stopped going there as well) THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH! I am so glad I came back. I need to get back on track and lose just 20 more lbs and I'll be at goal. I will do it! I know I can!! I babbled so much I hope I didn't lose track of my main point. I do babble. LOL. Just thanks so much. You all are soooo very special to me. Love to you all so very much! Sincerely, Erin
on 7/17/06 6:25 am - Riverside, RI
Erin, I'm not in the same boat as you but I did want to say I am sorry your going through such a difficult time. I think talking to someone other then family or friends might be helpful. Not taking care of yourself isn't a good thing but I am sure with everything going on in your life your probably not feeling like doing anything good for yourself. I hope you get the help you need before your personal health starts to suffer. Reguardless of what happens in your future you want to be as healthy as possible to get through it. I also agree that the problems were probably there prior to surgery and might just never surfaced like they are now. It seems like your husband is awfully insecure about the new you and that is a shame. You should be able to depend that the person you've loved for so long would be by your side and be able to enjoy your accomplishments. I wish you all the best... Shannon
on 7/17/06 2:02 pm - Lacombe, LA
Erin, I don't know you, but girl, some of the stuff that you put in your post sounds like I was the one writing it. My husband is also a very controlling man. I spent alot of time trying to make him grow up ande referreeing between him and my sons. Well, to make a long story much shorter, I finally decided that I would do what I needed to do for myself. He was even against the surgery, I got a counselor who truly saved my sanity. I got a shrink, who prescribed the meds that I didn't realize that I needed, because I was depressed and didn't realize it. Between the two things, and a lot of soul searching I decided that it wasn't as much his fault as it was my fault for letting him do it to me. He made me think that it was my fault that things weren't going the way that I thought that they should. Well, one of the shrinks(I don't know the spelling of psych????) told me something after I told him all my woes, Pre surgery, mind you. He told me that I have been trying to solve everyone around me's problems and nobody was solving my problems and I was damn mad about that. When he told me that it was like someone dropped a brick on my head. All of a sudden I decided that it was me that I needed to take care of first and that if they didn't like it, then, oh well, they would just have to deal with it themselves. I want you to know that I came within an inch of divorce, but I stood my ground against, husband, sons, friends and all, and started doing things that were in my best interest. My husband stood behind me through the surgery and we do much better now, but it still isn't easy, He tries to control me and I continue to make myself and my happiness a priority. Now I am getting out and going to support groups and I am gonna do it every week. Don't get me wrong, I do love my husband and I took my vows seriously, but I have to take care of myself first, emotionally and physically, or I will be no good to anyone. I know that I have sorta rambled, but what I am saying to you is that you gotta love yourself and care for yourself first and stand up for yourself in order to work on the marriage. And you said that it was when you had a child stillborn that it all started, well, I can't say that I know how you feel,but you need to care for yourself first, that must have been a terrible heartbreak, and God Bless you for your loss, but don't blame any one thing on a host of problems. I hope that you put what you can't handle in God's hands and let him deal with it. He has helped me alot. Good luck and take care of yourself. Debbie
on 7/17/06 8:17 pm - W. Bridgewater, MA
Shannon, You are right. I should be able to rely on him. And I know, I have to take better care. But he is so critical of me, not supportive. He was in the very beginning but now its a different story. I don't know. But we had another "talk" last night and it seems to be getting a tad bit better. A long way from being perfect by any means. OK, let me ask this....what do you all do to remember to take the supplements? I always seem to forget to take them in the AM and by the time I get home, everything is so hectic, I forget to take them at night as well. What do you all do to remember? I don't want to get sick. I want to be healthy and back to my new/old self again. But I just keep forgetting. What is the trick for you all? Love, Erin
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