~Sigh~ My great debate

I feel a little down today. I have seen the debate on the boards about do you tell people or not about your surgery. I have told my supervisor and a few co-workers (lots of support), my 3 sisters and my husband has told a few of our friends. What I worry about is do I tell my kids and my Aunts. This is all within larger problems. I will try to summarize. I do not want to tell my kids (ages 15 and 12 1/2) because I do not want their father to know. We had a bitter divorce almost 9 years ago and he still will not let it go. He has seen me struggle with my weight all of those years but I know him and he will fill the kids' heads up with crap and get them stressed out and they do not need anymore of his BS. I do want to tell them because ...well... I should but I know they will talk about it to their dad. I would like to tell my Aunts because I do not have a lot of family and they live in town, I see them frequently. They have always struggled with their weight and I hope to be a role model of sorts. The problem is my mother. She and I have not spoke in 3 years....my choice (long story...lets just say I was tired of being used and made to feel guilty constantly) They have mended fences because they are sisters. I choose to be out of that situation for my sanity. I do not want them telling her about the surgery and her showing up at the hospital. I don't know if I can trust them not to tell her. So, here I am feeling lost and wondering what to do. I feel there are consequences weather I do or do not tell them. ~Sigh~ any suggestions? Jessi

Wow - what a stressfull situtation to be in. Although, I can't imagine not wanting to talk to your kids about it. Is there anyway you can talk to them and ask for their confidence in not discussing it with their father? Or maybe perhaps waiting to discuss it with them a few days prior to surgery knowing they won't get the chance to discuss it with their father? It's just that as a mother myself I know I would feel awful if a surgery related complication happened and my child found out that way.

That is how I feel, I really don't want to not tell them just in case there are complications. I think like you said I am just going to have to sit them down and explain that this is my personal business and has nothing to do with their dad. Thanks Jodi Jessi

Isnt it possible to tell the kids that you have to go into the hospital to have some surgery. That you are ok and the surgery will only make you better... without telling them WHAT KIND OF SURGERY. Will your gall bladder be removed at the same time?? Tell them you are having gall bladder surgery. THEN when you get home and are losing and looking better every day and you get your vim and vigor back.. tell people when they ask, if you want them to know. I personally didnt tell my inlaws... wow!! where they shocked!! Your kids are the most important that they know you are ok and will be fine but honestly i dont see a reason exactly to tell them EVERYTHING.. Wait till the X see you later!!! you just can tell him.. I plan on giving the next guy what I didnt want you to have... Linda

Jessi, That is a really tough situation you're in. I can fully understand about where you are with your mom. I did tell mine and she didn't bother to show up at the hospital or even call to see if I pulled through it ok...or for any of the other 4 surgeries I've had from 2002- April 2005. For my siblings, she wouldn't miss a tooth being pulled if she could help it. She said that I always sneak and have surgeries without telling her although I had called her several times for ea*****luding the day before op each time. So....the last two, I didn't bother telling her at all, although I did tell my sister so I know that she did know about it (and no, she didn't bother following up with my sister to see if I made it ok either). Her lack of caring is why I distanced myself from her...and then to blame me for that lack of concern??? It hurts less to not see her at all than to see her and know she doesn't give a damn. That said, your aunts are old enough that they should be able to keep your confidence and not tell your mother. Wait until the day before your surgery to tell them...and stress to them that their sister is not wanted at the hospital. Since they are close to you, they are aware of the situation and should honor your wishes. As to your kids...they are both old enough to know that "what goes on at home, stays at home" when it comes to your ex. Complications do happen. They aren't common, but they happen. Should you be one of the ones they happen to, you are going to want your loved ones there...and they are going to want to be there. They..your kids and your aunts...would be very hurt if something happened to you and they weren't entrusted with the knowledge of your surgery ahead of time. Best wishes, Sherri

Maybe you could tell your kids the night before you go in....come to this site and let them see the before and after pictures and let them read some of the inspirational profiles. Show them the facts about the surgery and let them know you are doing this to better your life...and to better their lives by taking the steps you need to take to be able to do things with them and to be healthier. Let them know the facts and the risks and why you are taking the risks so that they won't be bitter should something go wrong. Let them know that you don't feel like you are living right now in the body you have and you just want to get a better life. Hopefully they will understand and want the best for you. As for family that you don't want to tell...tell them after it's over and let your weight loss and speedy recovery speak for itself

its your surgery and your choice who knows what....heck i was so happy to finally be having the surgery i told the world, anyone who did not like it could kiss my rear end..i made my choice and i was not gonna allow anyone to take it away, and when someone would tell me so and so that knows so and so knew someone one who on and on that had surgery i would stop them by their 3rd word and say i researched this and this is how this is...this is all about you...and thats that...tell your kids and tell them you know this is what will work for you and anyone who says other wise is ignorant.. i had eds daughter snot A$$ b word that she is...tell me i cheated, i took the easy way out...i just used her dad for his ins....duh, i can hear her telling everyone i made her dad do this...and i support this surgery 100% but i also know it is to each their own and would not make him do it..heck i could not make him do a darn thing he did not want to do...