Feeling blue about WLS

Am I the only one out there who finds themselves changing like 3 times in the morning before leaving for work only to walk out the door still feeling like sh*t??? I wrote a post a month or so ago about how I’m just dreading the summer months being obese….and YEAH…guess what…ITS SUMMER and I hate how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. I feel mad and frustrated a lot these days….how am I facing yet another summer questioning how I let myself get here….knowing damn well how good it feels to be healthy and how much easier it is to just partake in simple day to day life activities. I went camping last weekend for the first time with my beautiful 14 month old and my hubby (who is not over weight) and all I could think about was how fat I was and what the other campers were thinking of me. If I look back just in the past few years of our camping trips, I can’t believe how much bigger I have become. Who wants to go camping with someone who just wants to sit on a camp chair because the idea of doing anything else is utterly exhausting? I know I’m all over the place with this message but the thoughts are coming at me with lightening speed. Just walking from the office to my vehicle these days is making me perspire. That can’t be right….when and how did this happen? I’m just so bloody sick of this and unhappy. I hate the way I look in any cloths…my feet ache every day from plantera fasciitis, I’m not sleeping well, I’m always out of breath and I’m only 35….I hate this shell I’m in!!! What’s even scarier than all these realizations is that as much as I’m looking forward to WLS I really doubt my ability to succeed. I know I will lose weight but I also know my habits and they aren’t good,  and they have been stronger than me my entire life. Its not that I don’t want to keep it off as bad as others who have had WLS because I do….but looking back, that’s never been the deciding factor of my success…I still always failed no matter how bad I wanted to stay at a healthy weight. Hell I’ve been there many times and I remember like it was yesterday how GREAT it felt, I remember telling people that there was no way in hell I was going back….but I did and with great shame. Honestly, I don’t know what happened to me and I don’t know how I’m going to maintain the weight loss after surgery, I really don’t have a clue. I see so many of you vets out there who have kept it off and I all I can think is that they must be stronger than me. I find myself lurking a lot and relating more to the OH people in the Failed WLS forum…deep down, I know that’s where I will end up based on all the other times I have failed. I know I shouldn’t be thinking so negatively about something that hasn’t even happened yet, but don’t they say the best predictor of the future is the past??? I just don’t know what’s really going to be different this time around for me….anyone out there know the answer or have any insights to this question? I’m feeling so sad about all this.

Lee

Hi Lee

You need to stop talking to yourself girl! Nobody - for sure not you - should EVER put you down like that. 

I am sure you are a wonderful person - inside and out. Even when we are bigger we are still who we are and beautiful! 

Take a nice deep breath and pull up your socks. 

Find something of yourself that you love. 

The main thing for success after wards is a good positive outlook on your body image and self esteem. And that is something you can start right now - before your surgery. 

Sorry - don't want to be harsh - but I care too much for somebody ( anybody) to put themselves down like that.

YOU ARE WORTH IT! And you can do it.

Take care

Hugs 

Ditto ^^^^^

Lee all I can say is if you believe it it will happen.  You need to fix your thoughts fast.  Nobody should go in thinking they are going to fail.  I would highly recommend you getting some therapy to deal with your negative thoughts.  Start making a list of why you want this so bad and why you will succeed-you mentioned some already-surviving summer, feeling good about yourself, how about being around for your 14 month and old and your husband?  If nothing else motivates you that should.  Failure is not an option.  Tell yourself that over and over.  Don't look back because you aren't going that way.  Look forward start your new life today. This is a gift and it is also only a tool-the head needs to be in the game as well.  I always remember the old WW saying "nothing tastes as good as thin feels".  Good luck and I hope you can talk to someone.  There are also some great books out there that I have seen recommended on OH before-perhaps people will chime in and mention some.

OMG you both are so right....I need to get my head in the game. I've been thinking about talking to someone these days as I've been tuning into the negativity that has been lurking in my head, some no doubt stemming from fear. But you are both again so right and as much as I have told the small circle of people who know about my decision to have WLS that I'm doing it so I can be here and healthy for my son....I have to admit I lost sight of that and seeing someone else say it was an eye opener. Thank you for your honesty, I needed to hear this from you both. I know my head isn't fixed yet but I see now where the  some of my issues are coming from.

with sincere thanks for making me feel comfortable enough to share and for allowing me to receive great advice:-)

Lee you will find great support on here so make sure you "post" when you need that extra boost!  By the way I looked at your pics and you are absolutely beautiful!  You will be even more stunning when you lose the weight!  You are going to rock this!

Thanks so much for your kind words Monica9811:-)

You know Lee, I want you to succeed. Why? I could relate to so much in your post. I used to spend so much time getting ready, trying clothes on that best hid my fat rolls. I would hardly participate in anything. After cutting the grass I would be breathing so hard I'd have to sit down for fear of a heart attack. I bought men's ugly as hell Mephisto sandals because of my feet.

My first piece of advice is to stay out of the failed WLS forum. I get depressed when I go in there.

I think the majority of us feel we will fail. Why wouldn't we because we've tried every diet under the sun and failed! WLS does help. It gives us a great start and if you use the tool you CAN make it work.  It's not a diet. Yes, it's work, but it is something sustainable.

You do have a clue how to keep the weight off. You will have guidelines and if you follow them you can succeed. 

Thanks for relating to me...I know I'm not alone (that helps more than you think) and even though we all have one thing in common here, we are all still quite different. I have a friend who is bigger than me and she is just so damn happy. I admire her for being so comfortable with who she is. Sure she'd love to lose weight but she makes the best of things and participates in so many things, sh'es always busy doing this and that and the other...her weight doesn't hold her back in any shape or form (excuse the pun). I love this about her. I on the other hand find myself politely declining to participate in things that I actually would like to do. That's what I'm so tired of...not living life to the fullest like I should be. That has to change now!!! I will take your advice and stay far away from the failed WLS forum as I know that's only feeding the beast (Gawd, what's up with these puns, I"m not even trying LOL). Any how Tonewbeginnings...thank you.

Ha ha ...yeah, you had a couple of puns in there. I always wanted to be one of those larger people who had such great self confidence. I never got there though. I always had a sense of what I call toxic shame. The shame you mentioned  where you decline to do things you want to do. I feel a sense of loss for not participating when I could have. You know what else is sad? I looked at your profile and you are really beautiful. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it. Good looking women like us who don't participate out of shame. How sad is that! 

I've changed and you will too!! Darn it!!!