Falling back into horrible eating habits and freaking out!

I've been on such a high for the past month - having lost 108 lbs, being under my all my revised goal weights, and hearing people be so complimentary about my weight loss, and buying lots of nice, little clothes.  But very bad eating habits are creeping back, and I am in major freak out mode, and very scared!!!  When I fall off the wagon, I fall hard.  Since my surgery last November, most of the time it has been easy to stay on track and eat really healthy.  For the first six months I was never hungry and rarely had any cravings.  It was a wonderful feeling to be so in control and not tempted, and not having to exert any self-discipline.  Now, things have changed.  I am at the place that I worried about getting to, when I first started researching this surgery years ago.

I currently weigh 124.4...gained 1.5 lbs in the past few days, after over nine months of consistent weight loss.  I know - that's not a big deal in the scheme of things.  But I can see where this is headed if I don't nip it in the bud.  I'm paranoid because I self-sabotage.  Every single time I lost weight in my life, I always put it all back on, plus more.  And it always happened quickly.

Fortunately, because of my RNY surgery, there are now physical limits to the amount of food I can eat, and I am so thrilled that I am at this miraculous weight, and never want to do battle with obesity again, but I am so worried!!  These past few weeks I've been having little "treats", and instead of stopping at a moderate amount, I'm increasingly eating more and more.  Yes, there are times that I am genuinely hungry (hate having that feeling back after being free of it for so long post-surgery), but, many times I am simply dealing with "head hunger" and cravings for all the bad things that I used to consume in vast quantities.  Last night, after eating over 1,300 calories by 5:30 pm (I've been trying to aim for 1,300 total each day, including 70-90 g of protein), I went home and ate a dinner roll, 8 ginger snap cookies, 2 mini ice cream bars, cereal and milk, and 2 slices of raisin toast with butter.  It was INSANE but I felt totally out of control...powerless against my cravings.  The more I had, the more I wanted.  Lately the crappy eating has been insidiously coming back.  On several days I had double-scoop ice cream cones!!  One day I ate 2 1/2 muffins!  Crap food that does me no good, but that I love.  I've been having small pieces of cookies, tarts and cakes.  Unfortunately, I am not a "dumper".  I really wish I was because that would be helpful in terms of stopping me from eating sugary/starchy foods.

Some people would say that once we hit our goal weight, we have to learn to live in moderation, but that was never my strong suit.  If I give myself an inch, I'll take ten miles.  There is a long list of red-light foods that can send me spiralling down into a miserable abyss.  But I don't want to feel that I can never have anything I crave, because that sucks.

Sorry for my whining but I'm just in a bad mental/emotional place right now.  I'm determined to get back on track today, but I'm consumed by (pardon the pun), horrified and extremely guilty because of my recent awful eating behaviours.  Thanks for listening.  Anyone out there who is grappling with the same issues?

Woah there hun!

First of all...*hugs*.  It's ok.

I think you deserve a big acknowledgement for recognizing that you need help.  There are several things you can do right off the bat.

Plan your meals in advance....each night, plan your meals for the next day.  This does two things...it helps you to have a game plan for the next day, and it also helps you to develop a positive frame of mind in the evening when you seem to be most prone to eat more. 

Next, I know that some people go back to shakes to 'reset' themselves.  You may want to consider this.

So you have access to a nutritionist or behaviourist where you had your surgery?  Book and appointment with them...now....go....scoot.

Last of all, love yourself.

I am worried about the same situation, i'm only 4 months out but this is one of my fears. even right now i don't keep temptations in the house so if i get a craving i have to have something i'm suppose to. my suggestion is to take all the "temptations" out especially breads since you seem to have the same bread addiction i did

good luck

I agree, go to your clinic and ask for help.  Take along your food journal with you.  Some cravings are due to your body needing something.  The dietician can go over that with you.  Head hunger cravings could lead to a deeper issue.  You may need to see someone about why you are getting head hunger cravings.  Is something going on in your life that would cause it, even extra stress at work.  Once you work with someone on that, you can work on ways to deal with it.

Cathy

You need to go and get help. You need to figure out why you are doing this to yourself. I can not even figure out how you could eat so much garbage and not be sick. Throw the dam stuff out. You do not need it. I always have said it is better to stay away from that stuff than take a small bite because one bite leads to another. Why are you aiming for 1300 calories I would bring it down to 1200. 1300 is on the high side if you are not exercising.  If you really care that pick the phone up call the clinic and go see them. 

Sounds like binge eating. I've only been dealing with that for the last five years!  It is a challenging journey for those of us who are binge eaters.  Stats aren't favorable for us.  We seem to be more at risk for going back to old habits according to the studies.  You you will need to find what works for you.  It won't be easy.  

Eating isn't necessarily about hunger.   Time to maybe look at seeing if you can get to the root of it. There are lots of books on the issues depending on what your issue is.  Therapy is promising.  You should have access to a psychologist through your centre too. You have to ask as they won't necessarily tell you that. 

Goals are important.   Accountability is HUGE whether it is through your support group, here, oa, WW, whatever works for you.  Even a good friend who understands. 

When you binge it is important to let it go and get back on track as soon as you can.  Beating iyourself up only makes it worse.   It's back to you and planning and willpower.   This journey never ends. 

Take care! 

Dawn

Dawn, if I may....without you explaining of course since it can be very personal but just by a yes or no, were you able to find the root of it or are you still constantly battling it from time to time?

Thanks :)

I did therapy. I can't say that it's clear cut to me.  Some people made miraculous realizations. I justknow I have sucky self esteem and food has been and will probably be my primary coping mechanism. 

*raising hand*  here!  lol

I hit 174 last year and I'm tall enough so I thought that it was it, decided to stop there so now the maintain part!  Yeah right!  I have the excuses half mile long...I didn't know how to do the maintain part....I didn't know how to do this or that or whatever, I gained 20lbs back...

The amounts of food I can eat in a sitting?  well, the "right" foods that I know I can take a huge qty in...like example...Quest brownies protein bars, no word of a lie, I can sit here and eat 10 with no problem.  They are dense, I don't get it...and I have a problem eating a full 3oz of chicken for crying out loud....lol

It's been almost 3 years (2 since RNY), I never had a craving or was never hungry and never ate an ounce after supper, now?  I can't wait to finish supper again so I can have strawberries or blueberries, and I mean the whole pint of blueberries, not just 1/2c or 1c, the whole pint...lol

The only thing I'm thankful for is that I haven't allowed myself to eat junk again: pop, chocolate, fries, hamburgers, hot dogs, anything junk is still a no no on my list but I have f*&^%ed up my portions (pouch) cuz I can have a **** load of anything I want and I know its from when I decided to "maintain".  A little switch left my brain and gave myself more room to eat to stop losing but over did it I think!  lol

So now I'm looking for that BALANCE..I wished I saw it in town somewhere so I can kidnap it...lol

Not to speak negatively about anyone that tries to help here but I plan everything, I log in my food in fitnesspal but we all know how to trick that...I log everything in, and then go home and decide to have blueberries or strawberries or even have NSF ice cream and of course I don't add it to my food log...it's not about to "trick" the log or whatever, its to lie to myself and I do count myself accountable but I don't care, I still do it.....so what's the cure to my brain?  no idea yet...lol...hell, I did 10km a day for 10 days and did not lose 1 pound...says alot...and I know what the problem is + everyone can tell me what the problem is...my head is just not there yet to snap and say enough is enough woman, take control again, find that balance and stop screwing around.

I can tell by writing all this that my brain is all over the place...lol...I guess I also, like you, needed to get all the bugs out of my system and maybe by writing all this, I will help myself at the same time!  Fingers crossed!  lol

I'm glad you wrote this post...alot of people fear to write their "fears" or negative stuff or some people on here don't like it when we post stuff like this.  I think it's great that we share because it can help another person and lets be honest, it's not all fun and games.  It's an addiction for the rest of our lives but don't get me wrong, this phase I'm in, is not a negative thing.  I'll get through it as will you, as we all are.  We just need to find our own balance.  Find that control again!

Ok, as I'm known to write novels when I start, I have to stop...but thanks again for posting this because I realize at the same time as I'm typing that I'm doing my part of the venting and it's actually making me better!

Hope you find your balance and PLEASE...don't have regrets..it is what it is and now its time to change that for the better!

hugs and kisses

Nathalie

At 16 mths I was starting to have issues. It is so great when you are losing and it seems so easy to stay on track. I emotional eat. I went back to the clinic and am now see a psychologist to find ways using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to learn to live with the weight loss. Although it has been tough facing some of my demons I do feel I am getting somewhere. If I have a binge or am about to I can not stop and think first. Before it was just mindless auto pilot. It is a work in progress but part of it for me has been being honest with myself. When I binge I go back to my food plan and add it in. I have to be ruthlessly honest with myself. If I am not accountable to me who will I be accountable to.

Good luck with finding what works for you.