HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire whilewe were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high schoolreunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging hisdrink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinkingright after we split up those many years ago, and I hear hehasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go oncelebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hintingto me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always hadsomething else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally shethought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tallgrass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewingscissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went intothe house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out againI handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting thegrass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made mylunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up theboat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrentialdownpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into thegarage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weatherwould be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped backinto bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a differentanticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there isterrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe mystupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcominganniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 inabout 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need youto pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
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LOL 
