How to handle unsupportive family and friends?

Eh, do the blog thing if it speaks to you. If not, then don't. But I bet people would read it if you did. I had one many years ago and people read it and I am not nearly as funny as you (the bullying functioned more to cause anxiety in my case, not comedic ability). One of these days I will start blogging again.

One thing I am struggling with at the moment is the fact that people treat me differently now. I was no less deserving of kindness and basic human respect at 280 lbs than I am at 176. But people are nicer to me now. I may have a little more confidence now than I did then, but really, I think it's more people responding to my appearance. It's amazing how the bigger we are, the more invisible we are to society. I have an asshole coworker who is only nice to women that are young, thin and/or pretty, and he's been a lot nicer to me lately. And that makes me want to punch him in his jerk face. 

I'm very pleased to hear that people treat you better now, but I agree: your size Should. Not. Matter. However, your overall demeanor may also impact how you are treated. People of size can be less confident and less 'demanding' of others' attention and respect, just because they're conditioned to expect to get beat down at every turn.

I think what we should realize as we get thinner is that we may get more attention from people, especially men. And it's important to remember that a lot of men are 'sizeist' in their thinking. We should have no business with sizeist thinkers. Only give a man the time of day if he sees you as a human being first. How do you know that? Observe how he treats other people. If he sees a woman of size and mutters something like "what a fat pig" keep in mind he would have said that about you when you were 280 pounds. Same deal with anyone else you spend time with. If you hear them talking about others using labels and stereotypes, they don't deserve your company.

I don't feel like my demeanor has changed much, because in my mind, I am still 280 lbs, or close to it. That's something I am working on dealing with, but every time I sit in a chair or booth and fit in it, I am surprised. Plus I had a fair amount of confidence before I had surgery. It took me many years to learn my worth, but I was there at my highest weight.

Speaking of men and attention, I have not noticed an increase in men hitting on me. I have noticed both men AND women being more friendly to me. Like if I am at a concert, more people make random conversation with me. At the grocery store people make eye contact with me and sometimes say "hello." I am less invisible than I used to be. While I enjoy it, it ****** me off. This weight loss thing is wonderful, but it's such a mindfuck!

Also, I wanted to say that you may be surprised by your friends' reactions as time goes by. My boyfriend and I have "game night," including dinner, with two friends once a week. These friends are pretty big. My boyfriend has lost 130 lbs, but still tends to pig out on occasion - he walks so much at work that he burns it off. So we used to all pig out once a week. I'm talking a huge, fatty meal, wine, dessert.

I was pretty nervous about what their reactions would be before I told them of my plans to have WLS. I was expecting the "but who will we pig out with?" and I got a little of that. Plus they were concerned that I was having surgery in Mexico. They sort of tried to keep up with me losing weight at first, but that fell by the wayside pretty quickly. Game night was hard at first, and it still is at times, because I get to sit there and watch them pig out, and sometimes one of them pushes crap food on me. But really, life just goes on like normal. I just eat tiny amounts of food and shrink as times goes by. We don't talk about my weight loss much and we get a long fine.

You will be able to go out to eat with your friends. You'll just probably have to eat different food than you used to, and in much smaller quantities (yay for leftovers!). You get used to it. They get used to it. It becomes your new normal. Hell, maybe you'll inspire them to get healthier.

Or maybe you will discover you no longer wish to be friends with them. That happens too. But either way, your life and your health will improve in so many ways.

For my closest companions, keeping it a secret was never an option. For a little while, when I joined them for dinner, I'd mention it. I'd say things like,

"I'm going to have surgery that keeps me from eating a whole bunch. We can still go out for dinner, just maybe not at a buffet. All I ask is that since I can't eat much, we split a plate. Would that be cool? I can help pay." And in all cases, everyone said, "Duh, sure, stupid! If I'm super hungry I'll just order something extra."

The psychologist also agreed that this was a gracious way to discuss it with my closest friends and family with whom I eat out a lot. For a lot of these people, dinner is just what you do. I can't expect that to change just because of me. We can change HOW we do it, though.

I think that people generally worry about how it is going to affect you and your relationship with them. They don't want anything bad to happen to you and they don't want your relationship with them to change. They also do not have the wealth of knowledge you already have about the benefits of weight loss surgery. 

Try not to take offense. Ultimately, the decision is yours :) It doesn't matter what the issue is-  a job change? A move? A haircut?  There will always be family and friends who are "skeptics" or naysayers. Just follow your own path and don't let it bother you. You are making a decision that will improve your health. 

I remember one of my friends making a comment that I wouldn't be going to our favorite sports bar with her anymore. I still go. I just don't eat the same things or drink. I don't think she even pays attention to what I order because it's fun just to get together. Maybe people just need reassurance that you will still be a part of their lives and won't leave them behind :) Should you have to reassure them? No...  But sometimes that's what people need. 

Good luck!

Try having a sister that is an RN on Paleo does crossfit. She was ANGRY with my choice. Proud of her. She works very hard for her body & life style & I tried EVERYTHING. Surgery for me is not the "easy way out". This is life or death. I chose life!!!! Btw I haven't seen her since day of surgery, she took me........... I had surgery 2 days before Christmas. Go figure. 

I'm so happy to hear that people manage to maintain a healthy weight without surgery, but lifestyle doesn't make enough of a difference with some people. I'm one of those people.

I'm sorry if your sister is angry. I hope she comes around eventually and accepts your decision.

You are very funny and clever and if you do write a blog make sure you share the link. I would read it, whether its about weight loss or the weather! Now about the above...it kind of is pretty much all about lifestyle even with the tool that surgery gives you. Now, at 15 months post op, I KNOW I could easily gain back all I have lost and then some. Quickly too. You learn not only how to work your tool but unfortunately also how to work around it. So it does come down to maintaining and protecting, preserving the lifestyle change that you will hopefully learn and adopt for life, during your weight loss phase. I know this was difficult for me to imagine when I was struggling to eat a tablespoon of yogurt, but today the landscape on my plate is very different. I wish that the true meaning of bariatric would remain forever but it doesn't. It all comes down to choices and the lifestyle change. Surgery is a powerful tool and levels the playing field at the beginning, but in the end it really is all on you as to how it is used.