Mental Health Adjustments as the Weight Comes Off

Hello Group - I've been very fortunate in that the work I've put into myself since my Gastric Sleeve in July has really paid off. I just reached the 90 pounds lost mark, and it still amazes me that I've come so far so fast, and yet still feel so healthy in the process. Many things have opened up for me in my life as a result of this process, most of it very exciting, some of it a bit emotionally scary.

What is a challenge is renegotiating my way into the world of relationships with people. I feel as though things are very different after surgery.  This seems particularly true with dating, intimate relationships. I guess I didn't realize just how much I'd really shielded myself from getting very emotionally close to anyone in the past 7 years or so as I'd accumulated so much weight. Not only did it become a convenient way to buffer myself from others, but it was also a sure way to block rejection (I'd just assume that someone didn't like me because I was 'too fat' - and thereby avoid many, many people or situations in which I thought I'd naturally get rejected.)

So, what now? It's this whole new mixed bag. On the one hand, I see people reacting to me differently, finding me more attractive than they did before - and then on the other hand, I feel that I'm in this very raw emotional state because 1) I don't have the extra weight to shield me and 2) I'm now competing with 'the rest of the world' and so the pool is much larger, and 3) I really don't have food as a means of escape and comfort anymore.

I am seeing a therapist now, and have been throughout this process, and he's extremely helpful. When it comes to dating, romance, intimacy, I find that all bets are off and I am still so vulnerable and sensitive. I just went on a few dates (three, to be exact) with a guy (I am gay, by the way, to fill in the details), and was feeling great about this new person in my life. But I learned rather sadly that I was jumping way too fast, and nearly scared this person off completely. At this point, I may have done so. 

Has anyone got any tips or experiences about how to navigate these waters after surgery, or how to reintegrate themselves with the dating and romantic world? I'm finding it SO tricky and ironically, very lonely.  Thanks in advance.

It's a strange place, isn't it, when you're so happy about the weight loss and health improvement but still don't feel a part of the "normal" world. 

The only thing I have to suggest is this:  men and women, gay or straight, that are too focused on finding a relationship generally end up messing it up because the focus isn't as much about the other person as it is on being in a relationship.  I would offer that if you look at each person you meet as an opportunity to develop a REALLY GREAT FRIENDSHIP and nothing else, then you show up in a totally different way.  You are wanting to learn about the other, find things to talk about, share interests, listen and affirm, etc.  If that friendship builds to more, great.  If not, you haven't lost anything; you've gained a friend.  And by focusing on friendship first, you can have some time to get comfortable with the idea of intimacy (both emotional and physical) at the right pace.  A pace you can manage.

Lastly, remember that you aren't alone.  Lots of people in cyberspace that care, and I'm sure many around you as well.

Be well!

I agree with Gettingreal in that it's probably best to make sure you take any new relationship with a slower is better approach (at least on an emotional level).  I similarly went years without having a serious relationship, so I can understand the excitement of dating again and meeting someone that you think you click with and would appear to be a good prospect.  But you have to keep in mind that a few dates is still getting to know each other.  No matter how slowly or quickly you get intimate, most people, even ones who have been dating a long time, don't like rushing emotions or commitment and having someone jump in too fast on things makes people respond negatively and feel like the other person is clingy or smothering.

Honestly, as sad as your experience might feel now, consider it great practice.  Even if this guy was a good match, it's like you said, the dating pool is much larger and more people are responding to you and showing an interest.  So if things don't work out with the first few or even more people you date, there will be plenty more opportunities.  And as you continue to go on dates, it will become more natural and won't feel like "wow, someone is finally interested in me!" (been there before!).