Unsupportive Parents

MotivatedToFit
on 3/8/19 3:41 am

Hello guys,

I got my surgery date yesterday and decided to finally tell my parents this morning that I am getting WLS (VSG). Their response was it would be a waste of time and insurance money. Both my parents are heavy as well and are on and off again dieters. My dad offered to get me a personal trainer instead but I know it would be like all the other times do good for a few months then give in to my cravings and binge. It hurt me not to have their support. My surgeon is wonderful, knows his stuff, and is very experienced. So I trust him. Has anyone gone through this with a loved one and what was the relationship like after surgery?

I'm afraid doing what is best for me will cost me the relationship with my parents.

Sparklekitty, Science-Loving Derby Hag
on 3/8/19 7:27 am
RNY on 08/05/19

"My body, my decision." Make it your mantra!

Nerdy Little Secret (#42) - Derby Strong!
VSG 2013, lost 150lb - RNY conversion 2019 due to GERD


mmsmom
on 3/8/19 7:48 am - Woburn, MA
with

Get the to a therapist! You are giving yourself permission to fail and blaming it on your parents. If you are a grown woman, do this for yourself and stop asking them for their blessing - and if they are negative, do not discuss it with them. Try to enjoy your relationship based on something other than food. Keep positive thoughts and don't let anyone's negativity discourage you. This will be the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

     VSG on 04/28/2014 

MotivatedToFit
on 3/8/19 9:37 am

You are absolutely right. I am going through with the surgery and can't wait to start my new life. I live with my parents during the Summer. I am a university student so that is why I was worried about the relationship being strained.

Gwen M.
on 3/8/19 12:02 pm
VSG on 03/13/14

How is your relationship with your parents aside from the issue of weight loss? Do they generally support your autonomy or do they undermine it in other ways too?

I ask, because I think that if they're generally awesome and supportive, then it might be that their reactions are coming from a lack of knowledge combined with fear of SURGERY and the urban legends that exist about weight loss surgery. It might be that getting them to go to an information session or support group with you could help them to have a better understanding of what you're doing.

If this is just one more instance of not respecting your autonomy in a long line of disrespect, I'd recommend sticking to a script with them that makes your boundaries clear. "I've talked this through with my medical team, but thanks! Can you believe it's going to snow this weekend/can you believe they killed Daryl on the Walking Dead/how about local sports team?" Pick a script and repeat it, word for word, every time they bring up the topic of your surgery. I say every time they bring the topic up, since you should NOT bring it up. You know they're not going to be supportive, so don't waste your time.

I also recommend that you find a therapist to help you with the head stuff if you're not working with one already. No WLS will eradicate the potential of giving into cravings and binging. You might get a respite initially, but sorting out those brain patterns will help you reach your goal weight and maintain it. Sadly WLS only fixes our stomachs.

VSG with Dr. Salameh - 3/13/2014
Diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and started Vyvanse - 7/22/2016
Reconstructive Surgeries with Dr. Michaels - 6/5/2017 (LBL & brachioplasty), 8/14/2017 (UBL & mastopexy), 11/6/2017 (medial leg lift)

Age 42 Height 5'4" HW 319 (1/3/2014) SW 293 (3/13/2014) CW 149 (7/16/2017)
Next Goal 145 - normal BMI | Total Weight Lost 170

TrendWeight | Food Blog (sort of functional) | Journal (down for maintenance)

Shel25
on 3/9/19 6:10 am

Wait! Daryl is dead? :)

HW:361 SW:304 (VSG 12/04/2014)Mo 1:-32  Mo 2:-13.5  Mo 3: -13.5  Mo 4 -9.5  Mo 5: -15  Mo 6: -15  Mo 7: -13.5  Mo 8: -17  Mo 9: -13  Mo 10: -12.5  11/3/2015 Healthy BMI Reached Mo 11: -9  Mo 12: -8    12/27/2015 Goal Weight Reached!

Gwen M.
on 3/9/19 9:54 am
VSG on 03/13/14

Lolz, nope. Just a generic example of a subject change. I used to write "Can you believe they killed Carl on The Walking Dead?!" And... yeah. Can't write that anymore ;)

VSG with Dr. Salameh - 3/13/2014
Diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and started Vyvanse - 7/22/2016
Reconstructive Surgeries with Dr. Michaels - 6/5/2017 (LBL & brachioplasty), 8/14/2017 (UBL & mastopexy), 11/6/2017 (medial leg lift)

Age 42 Height 5'4" HW 319 (1/3/2014) SW 293 (3/13/2014) CW 149 (7/16/2017)
Next Goal 145 - normal BMI | Total Weight Lost 170

TrendWeight | Food Blog (sort of functional) | Journal (down for maintenance)

MotivatedToFit
on 3/9/19 12:01 pm, edited 3/9/19 4:02 am

Thank you for the advice. Haha you scared me with the Daryl died lol. To answer your questions my parents have a habit of pushing and stepping on my boundaries. I will apply your advice because they are not open to coming to a session with me. I think it is a mix of fear and ignorance of the surgery. But my father works with a friend who had gastric sleeve surgery which is what I am getting done and saw him lose weight effectively and says he is doing fine so I don?t understand why he is against it with me. My surgeon explained all my concerns to me and told me all my results depend on how well I follow directions and stick to the program. I have been seeing a therapist for two years now. I definitely agree with figuring out the head stuff. I?m an emotional eater and I know this surgery will completely change my relationship with food. I plan on attending my surgeon?s support groups and continuing therapy after surgery. I am determined to be successful this time with the tool.

Gwen M.
on 3/9/19 12:23 pm
VSG on 03/13/14

It sounds like you've got a sound head on your shoulders for this. It really sucks when the people in our lives aren't supportive of our choices, for so many reasons. I hope that you have other people in your life who are supportive!

VSG with Dr. Salameh - 3/13/2014
Diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and started Vyvanse - 7/22/2016
Reconstructive Surgeries with Dr. Michaels - 6/5/2017 (LBL & brachioplasty), 8/14/2017 (UBL & mastopexy), 11/6/2017 (medial leg lift)

Age 42 Height 5'4" HW 319 (1/3/2014) SW 293 (3/13/2014) CW 149 (7/16/2017)
Next Goal 145 - normal BMI | Total Weight Lost 170

TrendWeight | Food Blog (sort of functional) | Journal (down for maintenance)

amygrace
on 3/13/19 1:38 pm

I am coming at this surgery from a different angle than you. I'm not young like you. I am 59 yrs old and will be getting this surgery some time in April.

Not ONE! person has been supportive of me getting this surgery and I haven't told very many. My immediate family says no, I shouldn't waste my time, I need to quit eating, I need to get out and exercise to fix myself, this surgery is dangerous.....I could go on, but won't. Or some others I do tell just look at me funny, like I'm strange or something.

All this is from ignorance. Nothing more. The only things people can remember are horror stories of other people. Basically all of these stories are second hand stories.

If this is something you really want and you feel good about it, you should do it. In the end, you will be admired although they might not say it. You have to forget the naysayers and think about yourself. Yes, you will be talked about for a while, but people will move on from talking about you to talking about someone else....they always do. :) Good Luck!!!

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