Set your clocks folks, the rapture is at 6pm sharp today. So sayeth Harold Camping, the 89-year-old preacher whose Family Radio group is behind all those billboards you’ve been seeing. But wait, Tina Dupuy of the Atlantic asks, is that Eastern or Pacific? Both, Camping replies: God will courteously stagger the show according to time zone, so the first victims will actually head toward the exit when it hits 6pm somewhere between Pago Pago, American Samoa, and Nuku’alofa, Tonga. That’s 8pm EST tonight, notes DuPuy.

  Asked how his group intended to mark the occasion, Camping replied, “We’re not planning anything at all." He’s just going to sit back and watch news footage of the carnage. “It’s going to be a horror show of tremendous proportion." Asked about the last time he predicted the end of the world i***** Camping replies, “I’m not a bit embarrassed about that. You know anytime we’re learning—and the bible is really complex."



The Rapture http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmX-lZOYcVA

It was nice knowing you. Well, it was nice knowing some of you.

If You’re Reading This, You’re In Heaven!

by Ken Layne

 

 

 
Welcome to the official newsletter of Heaven! Yes, the Rapture happened, and you won! You’re in Paradise! (Sorry it’s exactly like the world you left behind; perhaps you should appreciate the world you left behind a little more!) We are too a-scared to wait up until whenever the rapture is supposed to hit California and suck 89-year-old Oakland-based doomsday predictor Harold Camping back to his watery grave, so we’ll just schedule this post to publish in the morning. But we have grabbed some news bits from New Zealand, which apparently has yet to be destroyed by Jeebus Quakes even though it’s well after 6 p.m. local time.

• Christmas Island and other locations near New Zealand, where self-styled scriptural scholar Harold Camping predicted that the apocalypse would strike by Friday night Los Angeles time, so far remain free of “super terrible" earthquakes. — Los Angeles Times
• New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg — who is Jewish and therefore, according to Camping’s prophecy, unlikely to be beamed up to sit alongside Jesus and God in heaven — said on his weekly radio show Friday that he would suspend alternate-side parking in New York if the world ends on Saturday. — Vancouver Sun

   

I only have one question about The Rapture.  Will there be chocolate?

Earth is the only planet known to man that has chocolate. And unless you meet these criteria, you'll be "left behind" here on earth and not hafta worry about it

No chocolate, but maybe perky boobs!!!

 

I'll bet that you didn't know that one of the real advantages for women getting caught up in today's scheduled Rapture is that it makes your boobs perky. Very perky.

 

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I have no idea what it will do for guys. But my guess is that Viagra won't be needed.

In the meantime, the rest of us damned-for-all-eternity schlubs are looking forward to the Tribulation, because it means we won't have to put up with smug Bible-thumping zombies any more. Woo hoo!

6 p.m. and nothing here.

My Take: Doomsdayers show what’s wrong with all religion

Editor's Note: David Silverman, an atheist since age 6, is president of American Atheists.

By David Silverman, Special to CNN

Let nobody doubt that religion hurts people. Good, intelligent, caring people suffer every day and everywhere at the hands of religion, the happy lie.

Religion is used by dishonest people who claim to know the way to the one thing humans want most: immortality. To combat fear of death, religious people ignore their intellect, believe the lie, and follow the preacher, usually blindly and sometimes to the point of insanity.

We are witnessing one very good example of this right now, as a group led by Christian ministry leader Harold Camping prepares for the end of the world this Saturday, May 21.

Of course, the weekend will pass without incident and thousands of Camping's followers, having spent or donated huge amounts of money on his behalf, will be gravely disappointed. Victims will be broken. Families will be damaged. Lives will be ruined. All because someone made a good pitch, and followers believed.

Opinion: May 21 Doomsday movement harms Christianity

I am not sure if Camping is a liar, but I think so. He realized that religion is a great way to make tax-free money off the backs of well-meaning people, through donations to his ministry, all without fearing eternal damnation. You see, I suspect that he, like many others of his ilk, doesn’t believe in God at all.

It may seem odd that I would accuse this man of being an atheist like me, but rest assured that he is nothing like me.

Like most atheists, I’m a pretty nice person and would never scam someone out of his or her life savings or convince someone to quit a job just to line my pockets. The truth is that religion and ethics are completely independent of one another.

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Consider how Newt Gingrich could campaign against President Bill Clinton's adultery as the darling of the Religious Right while actually being an adulterer himself. Consider how evangelical superstar Ted Haggard could preach against homosexuality, in God’s name, while hiding a gay lover. And consider Camping, who can get donors to cough up what appears to be a lot of money in God’s name while ruining his followers’ real lives on Earth.

These are not people who fear God or hell. In my opinion, they know very well that gods are myths. They are just bad people. Atheists have bad people, too, the worst of whom feign religion for their own personal gain.

Next week, Camping’s victims will ask our forgiveness for being so foolish, and we will forgive them, because we’ve all done stupid things. They will ask for money and we will help them, because most people are charitable.

And then Camping victims will ask us to forget all about this whole ugly scam. That is something we must never do.

We must remember that Camping, atheist or not, is no different from any other preacher. Religion thrives on fear–the constant threat of any-time-now Judgment Day coupled with eternal punishment in hell for those who don’t believe strongly enough.

Since rational minds question irrational things, believers constantly have doubts, and therefore fear that they don't have enough faith to pass muster during the eventual Rapture, when the righteous will be saved and the unrighteous will be damned. Fear of hell makes believers desperate to ease those doubts so they can be sure to get into heaven. It’s a recipe for fear-based obedience, which is exactly what religion craves.

It’s the method used by Camping, and by the rest of Christianity, too.

If we forget about Camping, this apocalyptic madness will happen again. Next year is 2012 and, just as was supposed to happen in 2011, 2004, 2001, 2000, 1999, 1997, 1994 and other years that the world is supposed to end, according to one religion or another.

What will we do in 2012? Will we sit still while preachers take advantage of the gullible again? Will we refrain from confronting the fools and continue to revere religion? Or will we, as a society, demand that people use their intellect and pay attention to their preachers, priests, rabbis or mullahs and see them as the scammers they really are?

This weekend, preachers from coast to coast will talk about why they are right and Camping is wrong, and I ask you all to listen closely. They will try to justify why one interpretation of the Bible (theirs) is right while the others are wrong. In the end, they are all interpreting the “perfect word of God" in their own imperfect way so that God agrees with their own agenda. It’s obvious if you look for it; no preacher ever says "God disagrees with me."

Yes, this weekend we will giggle at the fools who follow the preachers that earn their living spreading happy lies. Religion will have been proven wrong yet again.

But we all must remember that people have been hurt this weekend. We hope the victims of this year’s end-of-the-world will lift themselves back up, dust themselves off, and come out of this as better, less gullible people. Hopefully, they will use their experience to help others avoid future scams by shouting loudly at tomorrow’s victims, without fear of being irreverent about something which deserves no reverence at all.

It's Sunday morning, I'm scratching my fundamentals, the Rapture has started!

Laughing My Apocalypse Off!