Who we are, how we got there.

I don't often post to the Main Board but I experienced something this morning that I just had to put out there.  I sometimes wonder at our roles in our families as the fat members, or in many cases here, formally fat members.  I have struggled with my weight since late in high school.  I have two sisters that are fairly average, one tends to get chunkier than the other, my  youngest sister tops out at 140 and she feels "fat".  Mom and Dad are fairly small  people and besides my brother who is 6' I am the next tallest at 5'6".  All my life my role in the family has been the fat one.  Oh, yeah, I forgot, I have an aunt who is fatter.  Whoo hooo.  Anyhow, I think I was also bigger than her at one point. 

That being said, I have had many achievements in my life.  I have given birth to and raised two beautiful young men, 18 and 21.  I have earned a college degree and I am a professional in my field.  I have successfully maneuvered my way through a painful divorce and now find myself in a very rewarding relationship.  Yet, no matter my achievements, my worth has always been dictated by my weight.  I can document many episodes of how my weight has affected my life in my family.  The most painful yet has to be when I was so heavy that my father refused to dance with me at my little sisters wedding.  Sad but heck I'm still here, still working every day on making myself a healthier person.  I've ridden the weight roller coaster for years now, I so want to get off soon.

Anyhow, what brings me here this morning is something I got in the mail.  It was a greeting card.  hmmmmmm, what is this? I'm not a father, shouldn't be getting a Father's Day card, my birthday is in March and Mother's Day is long gone.  So I see it is from my Mother and Father.  I open the card and inside is a "congratulations on your weight loss" card.  If anyone feels I am being snarky here or wish that they had gotten something like that from their parents, I apologize heartily.  I am merely giving my gut reaction to this card that I got.  I guess I compare it to the fact that I never got a card when I graduated college as an adult after my divorce, or when my children graduated highschool and went to college, or even when I entered my field of profession and was proud of myself.  But I got a card for losing weight!  ~sighs~  It is starting to feel like I am now being accepted for losing weight and I will be invited back into the fold as a "normal sized" person.

I love my parents dearly but instead of bringing a smile to my face that card brought a tear to my eye. 

thanks for listening.

Donna


 

My family was the same way about weight, it was everything to them that I was fat and an embarassment, I was not allowed to be seen by my grandfathers family after I married.   One time many years ago I finally go up the courage to have a picture done of myself, it was just a portrait shot and I brought it to my grandparents, my grandfather said why did you bother and pointed at my high school year book picture on top of the tv and said that is how they want to remember me.  Every time I went there the picture was facing the wall.  I know my mother was diabetic and she didn't want me to be sick like her but the problem was the way she went about it and how she made me feel.  Everything, I mean positively everything was about weight.  The fact my father left and never wanted to see me was because I was an embarassment.  It really is why I grew up with the awful self esteem issues and body image.

I guess I would see the card as a slap in the face also, I am sure they just want you healthy and thats whats behind all the bad **** thats been said, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Good Luck
Heidi

I am sorry you were treated differently because of your weight.  If your parents were mainly concerned about your health, I guess I could understand the card.  But it seems like it was an image issue to your father especially.

Maybe if you can just see it from a parents perspective that we want our children to have an easy time in life and to be the very best they can be, you can forgive them.

Other than that, be proud of yourself.  You can't control the thoughts of others, but you can damned sure feel good about yourself.

 This was a painful post to read.
 I understand completely how that could hurt your feelings. My dad has always related my worth to my weight.  My dad and I  have little in common and there is not much to talk about with one another. His favorite topic of conversation has often been about my weight.  I have known for many years that I would never be accepted by him until I was a normal weight.  He is very ill, and one of the pushes for me to have WLS and lose the weight was that I wanted to be accepted by my dad before he died.  I see him a few times a year, and the last time I saw him, he said nothing about my weight, good or bad.  He does not know I had WLS, but it is obvious I look different.  In a way, I was relieved to not discuss my weight, but in another, I felt slighted.  It would be great to feel loved no matter what I weigh.  Just saying.
Your weight loss is a great accomplishment.  Relationships are what they area and often we have to live with it.  
Love and Hugs, Renee

I would have been heart also.  My mother was and is the same way.  It wasn't until I had lost almost 160 lbs that she wanted to have any thing to do with me, including simple things such as conversation.  My father on the other hand, loved me unconditionally.  Many times, he fought back for me when my mother was being cruel.(he passed away in '98).

Reading all your posts makes me realize I truly am not alone. I recently emailed both my brothers, asking if they remember anything about our childhood that has affected the way they eat and how they look at food. They both responded that the portions were outrageous and we were expected to eat everythiing on our plates. If not, our mother would heap piles of guilt on top, saying we didn't appreciate anything. I remember being 15 yrs old, 10th grade, and 112 lbs. Not a bad size. My dad signed me up for a weight class. I was excitred because I thought it was weight lifting/body building for girls. Instead , it was a daily weigh-in, after which we would walk in a line around the gym, while all the "fit" kids laughed at the fat girls while they played volleyball. My teacher gave awards. I got one for being the most athletic student in our class. Nothing like being the best of the worst.

My parents enrolled me in Weigh****chers and had to sign a waiver because I was too young for thier minimum age requirement. None of my siblings were required to eat the diet food. They singled me out at church youth group functions and wouldn't let me participate because a girl like me didn't belong with the other girls on the beach.

I am trying to wrap my head around the whole reason of why I am the way I am. All the ugly memories are slapping me in the face. Glad I have special people in my life who can see past all of this and enccourage me to be the healthiest I can be.

Kristi

Thank all of you *****sponded here.  It really helps to know that I am not alone!  My heart goes out to all of you that have also experienced this.

I am thankful for this support board. 

Wow - I am so blown away by all your stories.  My heart is so sad for you but I can see how much strength of character you all truly have.  I am impressed.