Growing through the pain i think...

 You know first of all, i just wanted to say how absolutely grateful i am to have a place to come and vent stuff that i just cant seem to bring myself to share with people in my life that i KNOW love me and will see me through it.  It is my own thoughts and fears that bring me here instead of there and I recognize that.  I also want to say how grateful i am for having wls and gaining my health back.  Thats all it ever was about for me.  I so wanted to be a better mom than i was.  Now i can play with my kids instead of being the arm chair parent i was before.  We are reconnecting in ways that i was denied before because of my massive size.  I will NEVER regret that.  

Having said that, I am so struggling with my emotions right now.  For me, this means that i want to block them out with food.  However, i made a choice and a promise to myself that i would take all avenues available to me to NOT act on that want.  It does not put me toward my goals in my life and further, it leads to shame and guilt..and weight gain.  I am determined to stay on course.  I am hoping there are others out there that can relate to that.  

These past few months, i have been dealing with some incredible life stuff.  I had the opportunity to be there for friends and family in ways i had elected out of before.  I watched a really good friend's mom succomb to cancer and i was PRESENT with him.  I didnt hide away.  I didnt stop the emotions.  And I didnt eat through it.  I was able to be there for my family when my oldest brother was diagnoised with cancer this past year.  We got a miracle and he is so far coming through it all.  He also made it through some blood clots.  And again, i did not run and hide.  I didnt eat it away.  Miracles for me.  I am so grateful for that kiind of love in my life.  

A few years ago, my marriage was crumbling at my feet and i hid.  now i have had time to really think about that marriage and I recognized a few things that were truth.  First of all, it takes two to make it and two to break it.  Blaming him didnt make me feel any better about the situation.  Finding out what i was doing that was not healthy in my relationships did.  Because when I did, i figured i would be free from that kind of stuff in my life again.  Secondly, i found out that what i would allow today looks a whole lot different than what i allowed in the past.  You see today, big or small, I recognize the value that i have.  MY value.  Not my value as a mom, daughter, wife, girlfriend, friend, whatever.  But MY value as a person who my higher power created and meant to be.  all on my own.   I am truly grateful for that knowledge as well, even though i do admit to struggling with that concept still at times.

This weekend i was blessed to be asked to be a part of my friends renewal of vows wedding.  And the thought totally struck me as I am standing there watching these two laugh and be playful and loving with one another, that marriage was NOT between two people.  It was between three.  Now i am not religious and i worry about bursting into flames everytime i step into a church.  But looking at these two, who have been friends of mine since childhood, i couldnt help but notice that their higher power was not only invited in to their marriage, but depended upon by it, just as those two were.  It was one of those moments where you kinda swallow hard and get all girly with tears in your eyes.  That was cool for me.  Again, so grateful to be in that moment.

My current boyfriend was supposed to come down to the wedding this weekend.  Now i have been sensing that something was off for a while, but im still getting used to my new body so i figured it was just me being insecure and so i kept my mouth shut and trusted.  He didnt show up and would not answer any texts or calls friday night.  I didnt even text or call him all day saturday because that day was not about me and i was there to share in the joy of the day...not worry about him.  Today i get a hold of him and he admits to cheating.  Now, am i sorry i trusted?  absolutely not.  Not all men cheat and honestly if you cant trust who your with then why are you together?  Right?  i think.  anyway.  I'm sitting here and i am feeling all kinds of stuff.  And i really am trying to focus on the positive side.  Better to find out now than later......more fish in the sea....etc.  But my addict inside is screaming for some pain relief and right now.  Kinda like those t-shirts that you see that say something about the inner child screaming but you can shut them up with chocolate.  That addict is a loud mouth negative monster ***** who is tough to ignore sometimes.  Right now she's just screaming about how poor poor me deserves to have a treat after how bad the big bad world has kicked me lately.  lmao.  (i know it sounds crazy but i just hope someone out there can get my drift.)  

Anyway, i made a promise that before i did anything that i saw as harm, (binge eating) i would use every friggin tool i had in the box.  (i just called you all tools??  great.)  One of the tools that has worked well for me is the power of positive thinking and positive people in my life.  The other is writing.  er..typing.  you get the point.  I think that the physical part of obesity was a lot easier to overcome than the mental.  It takes a lot of work for me.  I am fighting the battle today.  I know that when i look back a year from now, it wont hurt as much as it does today.  and in two years it will hurt even less.  So giving into that little brat in my brain is useless unless i want to invite her friends shame and guilt over for supper.  HA!  that was punny.  I am growing through this.  I dont feel guilty for having a disease that tells me to eat.  I would feel guilty if i had the knowledge and tools to fight that voice but chose to do nothing instead.  I feel even though i am now a healthier weight, i am still in the fight for my life.  And its worth fighting for.  It is so worth fighting for.  

What i want to know is, can any of you out there relate to those feelings and messages your brain gives and how do you deal with them?  Where are the warriors at?  lol.  I need some reinforcements.  can i get a FREEEDOOOMMMM from someone?  lol.  thanks for listening.  

I can completely relate to the addict inside that is trying to convince you that food or drink will make things better.

Stay strong .... Divert your attention.
A warm bath with a book ...or a cup of tea are things that soothe me and take me out of the kitchen area.

You have come too far to take orders from a screaming child or from a cookie.

YOU are in charge and you can parent and comfort yourself without overheating.

There are on line OA meetings every 3 hours around the clock at 12, 3, 6, and 9 am and pm, EST through www.therecoverygroup.org
If you need that.

Oh, I can relate.

I'm gonna sound nutty here.  But I talk to that inner child, addict/whatever you want to call it.  For me, calling it or thinking of it as a monster doesn't work.  I think of it more like a child that doesn't know how to cope and really wants a cookie.  And that has a tantrum sometimes if she doesn't get a cookie.

So I tell her, "I know you're really sad and mad right now.  It's OK to be sad and mad.  We're not going to eat cookies right now but we could draw some pictures.  Or go for a walk.  Or play with the kitties.  Or pick out a really good movie to watch."

Sometimes it works better than others, but it's a start.

Oh, ((((((hugs))))))), I hear your pain about all of what you have been through, and now your boyfriend!

Take one second at a time right now, and let yourself be willing to feel the pain. Have your tears and anger and grief, and just feel them. Don't hide, don't numb- neither of those options will help, and I know you know that. Journal. Write your boyfriend a letter that is uncensored and that he will never get. Go for a fast, furious walk. Do anything you can that doesn't give your power away. Get a girlfriend to come over and stay with you awhile.

You will get through this! Keep us posted.