How to Respond? The trials of breaking free...

Where to begin?  I've made two friends through the support group meetings.  We all three had our surgery within weeks of each other.  While I have about 100 lbs more to lose than my two friends, we've all three been relatively successful thus far.  It's been great to share the journey - including the ups & downs - with real people.

One friend kind of dropped off the radar after our last support group meeting.  Every week we have our own little "Weigh In Wednesday" via text.  She hasn't chimed in.  No trouble - life gets busy for sure.  And to be clear - it's not like we're best friends talking many times a week.  We're just friends helping each other through this journey.

Well friend A got a text from friend B two weeks ago saying friend B "just didn't want to be around us anymore.  Being around us was too difficult emotionally."

Friend A called me and was understandably upset.  I reassured her that I was sure it wasn't really personal.  Neither of us are Debbie Downers. Neither of us are nauseatingly Sally Sunshine either. We are just happy people embracing the adventure of breaking free from an unhealthy life into a new healthy one.

I've tried to let it go - tried to follow my own advice to friend A.  But I can't.  The old demons of "why doesn't she like me?" and "Of course it has to be because I'm too overweight to be her friend" keep floating around in my head. 

I've continued my Weigh In Wednesday texts - after all friend B didn't tell ME to buzz off directly.  Of course - no response.  I keep trying to think through rational explanations but honestly any of that is just speculation.  Is it worth my time even?  Maybe this is her cry for help by pushing us away?  Hmmm... I don't know the answers. 

Should I call her?  Should I send her a text saying "friend A says you need to take a break from us but just know we're here when you are ready"?  Should I just leave it alone? 

Either way, how do I make my heart and head process this like an emotionally healthy grown up and not a lonely kid, feeling once again rejected? 

(I'm 42,relatively emotionally healthy and NOT lonely - but this just triggered something so deep in me that I thought I'd already dealt with completely.)

I would text her back and tell her how her comment made you feel, maybe she can foster some consideration with the next group of people she treats like crap.  I get it people get jealous, frustrated, unhappy, life throws curve balls but she is dealing with people who are vulnerable also and to be so crass about it, and say that she can't be around you because its too difficult emotionally is just mean.  I would make her feel bad, she deserves it.  Hopefully she will learn something and stop being so selfish or come clean what is so difficult about being around you, ie you are more successful then she is, which is probably the real deal when it comes down to brass tacks.

Since friend B didn't text you with the info but did friend A, do you really want to open the can of worms that letting B know that A told you????

I'd let it go...Friends come in three forms:
A Reason, A Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON....It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that life is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

Liz

I like what Southernlady has to say. I have always  believed this and experienced it many times in my life, although I always find the good-byes hard and have to resist feeling rejected.

When I read your post it made me of when I had my first baby. There were all these mommy and baby groups, and everyone would get together to "support" each other. Unfortunately, the first few months of being a mom was really tough for me, and instead of finding the mommy groups supportive, I found myself comparing myself to the other moms and I always seemed to come up short. Some were Sally sunshine's but most of the them were just normal. Problem is I felt like I was the only one who was struggling and everyone else seemed to be doing just fine. As a result, I found these groups to be really stressful. In fact, I started avoiding other new moms all together because I felt better just doing my own thing until I became more confident in myself as a mom.

I wonder if she is feeling the same way. Perhaps she doesn't feel like she is losing as fast as you guys or in some way doesn't feel like she is adapting or coping as well so being around you guys and weighing in with you is stressful for her. It likely has nothing to do with you at all.

I think it would have been nice if she had been more direct with you (so you wouldn't have to just guess what is going on) but some people have a really hard time with this. I would probably just  leave it alone and perhaps she will re-establish contact when she is ready, at which time you can decide if you want to resume the relationship.

I'm sorry to hear that it has left you feeling crappy. I guess just try to remind yourself that this has to do with her issues, not yours and try to focus on the supportive relationships in your life.

Hope you feel better,
Jenn

Let it go. For what it's worth, I suspect it's not that she doesn't like you... it's that she doesn't like herself. And there's only 1 person who can cure that, and it's not you.

If you just can't let it go, I'd suggest a closing text that says something like "I understand that you are completing this journey on your own. I'll miss you but wish you well. Hope to run into you at a support group from time to time."

But honestly... Let it go.