I need help

I need help and am having trouble finding answers. My mother (as well as myself) have always battled with our weight. I am now 26 and just had my first child... Which is her first grandchild. Since her birth my mothers weight has become even more troubling to me. I fear that if she continues this lifestyle she won't be around to see my daughters 10th birthday let alone her graduation or marriage. I have expressed my feelings to her about this but she seems to just brush me off. I know she's a lot like me and if someone pushes too hard or I feel like I'm being attacked I won't respond well to that criticism so I try to be very gentle with what I say to her. I love her so much and between me and my daughters father my mom is the only grandparent my beautiful daughter has. I am beside myself with worry not only about being a new parent (my daughter is 2 1/2 months old) but my mothers health as well. I don't know what to do or how even to approach her about it. She is over 300 lbs and has back and knee problems as well as what looks to me like diabetic sores on her legs even though she claims her sugar levels are normal. If anyone has advice on how I can get my mother to understand how important it is to me she lose some weight I would appreciate it more than you could even comprehend!

I'm pretty sure your mom knows she needs to lose weight, and I'm pretty sure she knows you love her and want her to be around for a long, long time.

That said, you cannot get her to lose weight. Anything you say will only hurt her feelings. You write "I know she's a lot like me and if someone pushes too hard or I feel like I'm being attacked I won't respond well to that criticism so I try to be very gentle with what I say to her." Pretty much anything you say is going to feel like an attack.

You say that you struggle with your weight. What's your BMI? Are you considering WLS for yourself? If so, that would probably be the best way to approach her. Talk about how excited you are, about the research you're doing on the various forms of WLS, etc. She just might get excited about it for herself.

We can't change another person no matter how much we might want to or how concerned we are. I understand how much you love your mother, but she is an adult and her choices are up to her as well as her right to make.

My mother died of cirrhosis and emphysema at age 66, so I deeply know your concern. She knew she should stop drinking and smoking, and chose not to. Actually, there were periods where she stopped drinking, but she couldn't manage to stop smoking. Though many people voiced their concern, it was up to her to take action. Her dying broke my heart, and I miss her so much.

I know how hard it is to consistently manage myself, and have to focus my energy there. That's the only place where I have power and ability to change behavior. It's the only place any of us have, unless we are dealing with children.