Keeping surgery a secret

Fireed
on 5/3/14 11:45 pm

I had surgery about 5 weeks ago.  I am down almost 30 lbs. I decided to keep my surgery a secret from most people.  I have told my husband, son, boss, and 3 friends.  

My parents are here, and my mom is visiting, and she is worried about me because I am not eating enough.  Any suggestions for what to tell her?  

Cunning_Pam
on 5/3/14 11:58 pm
RNY on 12/18/13

Well, you could tell her you're on a medically supervised diet plan and that your medical team is monitoring you closely so she shouldn't worry. However, being a mother, she probably will still worry.

Or you could tell her the truth. I understand that some people feel they need to keep their surgeries a secret, but what I never will understand is why they make that decision. For me, other people's reactions are just that: their reactions, and they don't affect me. I lived way too much of my life seeking the approval of others; now I want to do what I approve of and what I know is good for myself.

However, it is *your* decision to make, I do agree. Whatever you decide, best wishes.

Surgery: RNY on 12/18/2013 with Jay M. Snow, MD            "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness." - Robert Herjavec, quoting Al Capone

      

poet_kelly
on 5/4/14 12:19 am - OH

I agree with you.  It's not like I go up to every person I meet and tell them I had WLS.  I don't go up to everyone I meet and tell them I had my gall bladder removed, either, or that I had a breast biopsy in the past, or that I'm on anti-depressants, or that I have fibromyalgia.  Not everyone needs to know my whole medical history.  But if someone asks why I'm not eating much - like when I went to lunch with a friend at a buffet yesterday - then I tell them the truth.  Just like when someone asked why I missed a couple weeks of water aerobics after my gall bladder surgery, I told them it was because I'd had surgery.  Or if someone asks why I can't bend over to get my laundry out of the dryer and my service dog is getting the clothes out of the dryer for me, I tell them I have herniated disks in my back.  None of those things are secrets, none of them are things I'm ashamed of.  They aren't things I need to tell the whole world, but if it comes up, I just tell the truth.

View more of my photos at ObesityHelp.com          Kelly

Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR.  If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor.  Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me.  If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her.    Check out my blog.

 

56sunShine14
on 5/4/14 2:04 am

I think that's the best answer...tell the truth.

How is your mother going to feel when you finally tell her and she sees you have been lying to her the whole time?  I would be hurt, insulted and for awhile be a bit pissed off.  Just sayin...

(deactivated member)
on 5/4/14 12:06 am
VSG on 03/04/14 with

I've got to agree with Pam. It neved even occurred to me to keep the surgery a secret. Then when I cam on this site it seems like maybe half the people do. 

The truth is always simplest. If someone starts to tell you a horror story or give you a hard time, just cut them short and say if they don't have something positive to say, don't say anything at all.

poet_kelly
on 5/4/14 12:15 am - OH

Why not just tell her you had surgery?

If you don't want to tell her the reason you aren't eating much, then just say "My doctor knows what I am eating and I dont' want to talk about it."

View more of my photos at ObesityHelp.com          Kelly

Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR.  If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor.  Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me.  If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her.    Check out my blog.

 

CerealKiller Kat71
on 5/4/14 12:50 am
RNY on 12/31/13

I have told very few people about my surgery.  It's not because I am embarrassed or ashamed -- it's because I am an incredibly private person about my healthcare. Even when I was undergoing cancer treatments in my 20's, I didn't share my status with many people.  My other reason is that I have a strong identity with a lot of accomplishments.  I didn't want to be known firstly as "the woman who had WLS."  I have always tried (successfully or unsuccessfully) not to be defined by my weight.

 I have told only a select few people: my husband, son, stepmother-in-law, and two friends.  They were chosen very selectively by the quality  of supportiveness.  I did not tell my boss at work, who is a sizest; my mother who is older and lives 3000 miles away and an excessive worrier and doom-sayer, various co-workers or acquaintances. When people comment on my weight-loss I simply say, "thank you."  If they go further and ask how I have done it, I have in the past told them that I am working with the bariatric center, doctor and nutritionist at the Cleveland Clinic.  I felt this was enough information and honest -- but, several people here lambasted me for being dishonest and I came to see their point.  Therefore, I now answer, "Why do you ask?" -- which usually makes them uncomfortable enough to stop or if they are suffering from obesity to open up to me.  I always share my WLS with other obesity victims.  

Anyhow, I will soon be visiting my mom (3000 miles away) and I am 99 pounds lighter than the last time she saw me.  She is a food person and consummate worrier, so I am certain my eating will come up with her.  I am very on the fence with sharing the surgery with her because she tends to be critical and unsupportive of things like this.  I feel as though I don't want to be a liar, yet, I don't want a bunch of negative commentary in my life.  I think it's great if other people are unaffected by what others say to them -- but I also think that is a bit of hubris, too.  I am still undecided on what I plan to do, but if I decide to keep my counsel, I will tell her I am medically supervised and leave it at that.  

"What you eat in private, you wear in public." --- Kat

poet_kelly
on 5/4/14 5:29 am - OH

When I don't want a lot of negative commentary from someone, I just tell them I don't want that.  If they continue with the negative commentary, I end the conversation.  There are more than just two options - lie to mom or tell the truth and listen to negative commentary.  A third option is tell the truth and refuse to listen to negative commentary.  Set boundaries and if she doesn't respect your boundaries, end the conversation until she's ready to respect them.

View more of my photos at ObesityHelp.com          Kelly

Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR.  If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor.  Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me.  If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her.    Check out my blog.

 

EmmyK
on 5/4/14 6:34 am - CA
VSG on 04/30/14

In my experience, enforcing boundaries can have a worse effect than just lying.  Family dynamics are tricky and have decades of precedent. 

Your mileage may vary.

My posts are for general information and do not constitute medical advice.  They should not serve as the basis for any medical decision by you.  Call your physician for advice.  HW 248  SW 233  CW 155

        

    

Fireed
on 5/4/14 12:38 pm

Thank you so much for your post.  I am not a very private person, but my mom is very unsupportive and critical.  For instance the first words out of her mouth were, "those are some ugly shoes."  Plus she is a worrier, and a big mouth.  She lives in a small town

 

 

(my home) town, and I just don't think it is the whole towns business if I had WLS.

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