How are your kids affected by your WLS? - long

I have a five-year old daughter. She was four when I had my surgery in February.

Since I started the pre-op liquid diet back in January, I've lost more than 100 lbs. My face has changed. My body has changed. My eating has changed. My activity level and my energy level have both changed too.

Yet, my friends, coworkers, neighbours and family all say that as a person, while my outer 'package' has changed significantly, that they are pleased to see that I am still the same person on the inside. (A good thing? I hope...)

Anyway, in the last few weeks or maybe for the last month, my five-year old daughter is acting out significantly. She is whining more than usual. Defiant more than usual. Disobedient more than usual. Downright cranky on some days! She's usually a much more pleasant, easygoing kid.

I've given it a lot of consideration. I think that there are multiple reasons for this recent behaviour.

1. Some part of it might be the fact that school was getting ready to start up again and she may have been anxious about returning to her class. 
2. Some part might be the change in family dynamics; her daddy has a better shift at work and that means he can be home with us in the evenings. YAY! But in her short life, this is the first time that has ever happened. So he is learning to fit into our evening routine. Sometimes this is stressful for all of us.
3. But I am wondering if part of her attitude and behaviour with her acting out so much, is the manifestation of her feelings surrounding my weight loss. At five, she doesn't have the verbal skills yet to discuss her emotions, but I am curious what some of you experienced. Is she thinking, "Wow, this isn't what my mommy used to look like." Or maybe, "My mommy used to have softer arms to lie on." Or even something like, "Why is Mommy's hair short now? It used to be longer." (I had a pixie cut done when my hair started coming out at three months post-op.)

What are your own experiences with this? Has anyone had their kids voice displeasure or act out and you attributed it to your WLS? Any thoughts or advice? Thanks in advance. I look forward to reading your answers.

P.S. I did a search on the forums but I can't find a thing on this topic, and not much online in general, in fact.

I think it's more likely that the change in her behavior is related to the beginning of school and especially to the change in your evening routine.  I know that when my husband (who had been deployed for a year) returned home, the change was really hard on all of us.  Even though my son and I were thrilled to have him home, it was hard to adjust.  Even *I* was acting out.  lol  Has your daughter said anything to you about your changing appearance?  Even at 5 she may not be able to recognize how she's felling about something, but she would be able to talk about what she's seeing.  The transition from since pre-op may have been gradual enough that she's been adjusting this whole time to the incredible shrinking you.

Yes, she has mentioned things about my changing appearance, such as "Your tummy isn't as big anymore." Moreso, she is hyper aware of the changes in my diet. When I am offered different foods if we are out, she will reply for me and tell the host, "No, Mommy can't eat that anymore. It's not on her diet." So she is noticing things. She's a very sensitive little girl and I only hope that the change IS gradual enough so as not to cause her any concern.

Thanks so much for your input!

I think everything is probably fine. My daughter turned 3yrs old 2 days before I had surgery and now, 18 months later, she doesn't even remember that I was heavy. She knows that sometimes my tummy gets upset (if I eat the wrong thing or too much or too fast) but I just say something didn't agree with me.

My only concern from this post is the fact that she is saying you can't eat this or that because you are on a diet. I am almost hyper-sensitive to the idea of young girls being worried about weight, diets, etc. It is so hard in our world for girls. I never say anything about my "diet" around my daughter. I don't use language that will give her the impression that she needs to worry about what she eats or how she looks. I don't want her hearing about food restrictions, diets, weight loss, etc. I may be naive, but I am really hoping that she can grow up and be confident in herself while making healthy choices (that we offer now & hopefully she will continue to make on her own).

Jiliana - I would urge you to not take on any mother's guilt about your daughter's behavior or link her behavior in some way to your physical changes.  She could be reacting to the emotional changes in the house but that's probably the extent of it.    

Frankly, kids have a lot to deal with in making the shift from age 4 to 5.  It's a big developmental leap so they are dealing with a lot.  And you know what?  Kids are entitled to get crabby and out of sorts too, just like us.  Children are surprising flexible in their thinking and she probably doesn't even remember what you looked like a year ago unless you are showing her pictures or bringing it up.  

Case in point:  I have a 4-year old nephew who used to ask my hubby "Why is your tummy so big, Uncle Mike?"   It was one of the thing that spurred my husband to have surgery.  The kid hasn't said a word about the fact his uncle doesn't have a big tummy anymore.  So the other day we said, "Linus, does Uncle Mike have a big tummy?"  He looked at it and said, "No".   We asked him where he thought it went and he kind of shrugged and said, "it just went away".  And then he went on playing.   

No no, gosh no, I don't feel guilt per se. I was just sort of wondering if perchance anyone else saw this behaviour and was able to link it to their weight loss, and if so, how did they reassure the child that the parent is still the same Mommy or Daddy that she/he was before.

I totally get that kids are entitled to get crabby; heavens knows, we all have our crabby days! I ain't no angel...  Hee hee!

Usually my little one reacts like your four-year old nephew, so I'm not terribly concerned. I just wondered if anyone else might have seen this and/or been able to link it to the weight loss. I do appreciate your input! Thank you so much.

I'm only 3 months ffrom surgery past June.  My 10 year old son now weighs himself every morning which I tell him he's growing and not healthy for him. But he has lost 10 pounds and gone down one size. Which I'm so happy for him.  He measures his body too. I think he' kinda young for aall this but at the same time he is getting healthy with me.  As far as behavior he is still the same. As for your daughter she probably won't frompart time pre sschool to full time kid garden so this can be stressful.  Just give extra love and she'll be fine over time.

If he has a weight problem then he isn't too young! If he doesn't then maybe some moderation in your behavior (not weighing every day or at least not in front of him) would be helpful for him so he doesn't think there is something "wrong" with him.

He is a little over weight but yes I now weigh and measures when he's at school. But yes you are correct

If your son was a bit overweight (I know my daughter is too), then good for him on the weight loss! Is he pleased with it?

That said, I don't focus on weight or fat in my house... far be it from me to instill that fear in my daughter at such a tender age. It's downright debilitating to be focused on your weight from such a young age. I know. I remember it all too well as a young child.

Rather I emphasize activity, energy, healthy eating and the occasional treat for good measure. I always weigh myself before she is awake and I measure my body (once a month) after she is asleep. We talk about "always foods" and "sometimes foods" as my sister (the dietitian/nutritionist) has suggested.

My daughter had the same full-time junior kindergarten routine last year as she does this year in senior kindergarten (kids here start full-time at 4 years old). So there was really no big change there, other than actually going back to school.

Rather, I suspect it may be more of the issue with Daddy being home in the evenings now. We are still working on that. It's a learning curve for all of us. Him included.

She, and we, will all work it out in due course. I'm sure of it.

Thank you so much for your input.