"Support": what I will do for YOU (repost)

Bette B.
on 3/11/15 12:08 pm

Okay, here's my take on support and what I will or won't do to support you.  Please keep in mind that I am a "vulgar" American (wink to Kate.)

I weighed 376 pounds when I started my journey, which classified me as super-morbidly obese. I had 10 or so comorbidities, any of which could have killed me at any time. I've been on OH over 11 years, have been living with Lap-Band for almost 11 years and have been maintaining a substantial weight loss since the beginning. Suffice it to say that I'm not just talking out my ass about WLS.

Remember that I am only able to tell you with any kind of certainty what happened with MY surgery. I can tell you about life with a band, and that's it. Anything I tell you about living with a sleeve, bypass of DS is anecdotal information that I have heard from someone with that surgery, heard from a doctor or read somewhere else.

I - and most people on OH - WANT to see you succeed, and we'll help you when we are able. But "support" does not mean blindly saying that anything you do and everything you post about is okay. Blind support can lead to something as simple as slow weight loss and as serious as death. So, here goes, in no particular order.

I WILL tell you that you should immediately talk to the your surgeon, your PCP or that you should get your ass to an ER if the situation warrants it. This includes nights, weekends and holidays. Don't get pissed or roll your eyes   Some situations are truly serious and what you should be doing is talking to an EXPERT instead of asking a bunch of amateurs on a website. If you have been vomiting for days on end and cannot keep even water down, your first course of action is MEDICAL ATTENTION, not the internet. If I tell you that you need medical help, it's because I don't want to see you keeling over from dehydration, low blood sugar, etc. It's not because I'm being a *****

- Additionally, I WILL state the obvious - that you need to see your surgeon, PCP, therapist or nutritionist if your situation calls for it.

I WILL call "bull****" if you are delusional enough to post how you had surgery yesterday and ate a donut today (and yes, it's happened). There is no possible way to support that kind of action. YOU know it was the wrong thing to do, and you know WE know it was the wrong thing to do. Don't expect support for acts of colossal stupidity. You should have been given a post-op diet regimen to follow. If you have, FOLLOW IT. Yes, it sucks. It's only a few weeks long - tough it out. If you haven't been given one, call your doctor and get one. PS: before you ask, YES. I DID follow my surgeon's post-op diet, to the freaking letter, for 6 weeks.

I will be hard-pressed to give you support if you've posted about how upset you are because you are not losing weight "fast enough." People have posted that they are two weeks out and have "only" lost 25 pounds. Seriously? You're disappointed? I understand that you know someone who knows someone whose cousin lost all her excess weight in a year. It could happen that way to you, but it probably won't. You have to stop comparing your weight loss to everyone else's. We're all different, and our rates of loss will vary. People who are "lightweights" will lose far slower than someone who has 200 pounds to lose. Remember that none of us got obese, morbidly obese or super-morbidly obese overnight, and there is no way that we will lose all that excess weight overnight, either.

I will remind you to be kind to yourself. If you are struggling right after surgery, I'll remind you that you are in a healing stage, will feel like **** will be full of gas, and be hungry all the time, and that the best thing you can do to and for yourself is to relax.

I will chastise you if you say that you're not taking whatever vitamins or supplements you have been instructed to take. Again this is a big, big deal that can kill you if you neglect to do it.

I, like Kate and many others, will refer you to the "search" function or to another forum if your question has been asked and answered a hundred times or if it can be better answered on another forum.

- I will tell you to get up and exercise. At the very least, it's good for your overall physical health and - sometimes - mental well-being. But it will help you lose weight faster.

I will gladly give you a virtual kick in the ass when it's required. It usually will look like this:

 We all, at one time or another, need one.

I will never shame you for slow weight loss or weight gain. We all run into life situations where we react by reverting to our life-long coping skill of running to food. It happens. If you say that you're afraid to go to see your doctor because you are embarrassed by your weight gain, I will tell you to go and that if he/she shames you, to tell him/her off. I will remind you that your doctor works for YOU, not the other way around, and that he/she should be doing everything possible to help you succeed. Shaming is something we've dealt with our whole lives and the last place we should have to experience it is from someone we have paid a lot of money to help us.

I will remind you that you are having weight loss surgery to save your life. I may tell you that it doesn't matter what your husband, boyfriend, wife, son or even mother says about WLS. You are far more likely to die from obesity-related diseases than you are to die from WLS. You are more likely to die unnaturally young. Sadly, I have a friend whose 30 year old daughter just died from weight-related heart failure. Do it for you - to improve (and save) your own life. Your family and friends can't continue to have you in their lives if you are gone.


Banded 10 years & maintaining my weight loss!! Any questions, message me.

Sparklekitty, Science-Loving Derby Hag
on 3/7/15 2:53 am
RNY on 08/05/19


Sparklekitty / Julie / Nerdy Little Secret (#42)
Roller derby - cycling - triathlon
VSG 2013, RNY conversion 2019 due to GERD. Trendweight here!

Kate -True Brit
on 3/7/15 3:10 am - UK

Guess even vulgar Americans get it right sometimes!  

Note to people who don't know us: Bette and I are old friends both on OH and IRL. I have NEVER called her vulgar!!!!!!!! Hugs, Bette! 

Highest 290, Banded - 248   Lowest 139 (too thin!). Comfort zone 155-165.

Happily banded since May 2006.  Regain of 28lbs 2013-14.  ALL GONE!

But some has returned! Up to 175, argh! Off we go again,


(deactivated member)
on 3/7/15 4:09 am

I love your honesty. 

on 3/7/15 4:15 am

Hello.. Im new at this.. I do I know if my question has been posted.. 


on 3/7/15 6:50 am - Nashville, TN
Revision on 03/18/15

there a a couple of ways.look in the blue bar at the top of the page. Ther is a kittle magnifying glass. Click on it and it opens the search feature. Type in what you want to search for and it will give you posts. 

Second way,is start reading back,from the present to as far as you can stand. Nearly everything has been answered at one point or another. 





Mary Gee
on 3/7/15 5:09 am - AZ
VSG on 05/14/14
Thumbs Up Bette!


 HW: 380 SW: 324 GW: 175  








Oxford Comma Hag
on 3/7/15 9:22 am

I fight badgers with spoons.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255


on 3/7/15 9:26 pm
RNY on 03/13/15

By far the best and most insightful post I've read yet. Thank you

Tracy D.
on 3/9/15 1:04 am - Papillion, NE
VSG on 05/24/13


 Tracy  5'3"     HW: 235  SW: 218  CW: 132    M1: -22  M2: -13  M3: -12  M4: -9  M5: -8   M6: -10   M7: -4

 Goal reached in 7 months and 1 week

 Lower Body Lift w/Dr. Barnthouse 7-8-15