Mom Needs Advice On Supporting Daughter in wls

on 1/22/20 8:25 am

Hi everyone,

I am new to all of this. My youngest daughter who is in her 30's (two kids), is going through the steps to have weight loss surgery. It's been her decision completely to have the surgery, but I want to learn how to best support her in this, top to bottom. Is anyone willing to share what your support has been and does anyone out there have maybe new ideas so I can do and say the right things to be the most helpful?

Thank you!

Laura in Texas
on 1/22/20 11:20 am
RNY on 09/17/08 with

Do you live in the same town? My mom used to babysit for me when I had appointments or support group meetings. That was helpful.

Ask her what she needs from you. Be supportive. She may become obsessed with her weight loss and she may need to talk about it all the time. She will stop when she gets used to her new size but it may take a while. Be patient.

Laura in Texas

53 years old; 5'7" tall; HW: 339 (BMI=53); GW: 140 CW: 170 (BMI=27)

RNY: 09-17-08 Dr. Garth Davis

brachioplasty: 12-18-09 Dr. Wainwright; lbl/bl: 06-28-11 Dr. LoMonaco

"May your choices reflect your hopes and not your fears."

on 1/29/20 11:41 am

Thank you, Laura in Texas! I don't live in the same town, but close enough to be a help with babysitting. I just want to be sure I'm not overwhelming her with "help" or questions, so starting with a general question of what she needs from me would be a good place to start. Sorry I missed your reply, I was on vacation for a few days and not on my computer!

Citizen Kim
on 1/22/20 1:01 pm - Castle Rock, CO

If there are any "family" meals, quietly ensure her preferred post surgery foods are available.Most of us eat protein and vegetables for the most part.

Keep her counsel, do NOT talk about her surgery with ANYONE without her express permission. This includes siblings, extended family. It's her story to share!

Don't be her food police - she's a grown woman responsible for her choices. Encourage her, support her, but leave her be unless she ASKS for your advice or opinion

Proud Feminist, Atheist, LGBT friend, and Democratic Socialist

on 1/29/20 11:48 am

Citizen Kim, thanks for the advice. I don't feel like I'm put on this earth to judge anyone or be their food police, so that won't happen. I like what you said about not sharing her surgery or any part of her story with anyone without her blessing to. I think I would want someone to do that for me to, if I were in her shoes.

I apologize to everyone for missing your posts, since took some days away from home with no computer...don't use my cell phone for this type of thing online.

on 1/22/20 3:22 pm, edited 1/23/20 2:09 am

Do things with her that do not revolve around food. Spend time and talk to her about how she's feeling but please, if she wants this, let her put in the work and let her do this... I know it may be difficult and scary for you, but this is HER decision and she knows the risks. But knowing the rewards were worth it for me, at least and I was willing to die on that surgery table because then at least I died trying.

If her support group allows support people and she's ok with you going with, attend with her a few times. My parents didn't understand it until they saw others struggle with what I was going through. I wasn't "Just complaining" or "whining" and it allowed them to be able to support me with my siblings etc.

on 1/29/20 11:53 am

Dee_Caprini, I have no plans to interfere and you are right, this is her decision and I'm glad she has done a lot of research on this. I would go to her support group if I find they allow it, since I really don't understand what people can struggle with. I'll be babysitting for some of them, since the more I read the more it seems people are successful when they stay with a support system. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

on 1/24/20 2:59 am - Hammondsport, NY
VSG on 05/27/15

The fact that you are here, asking questions and gathering information tells me that you are going to be supportive in all of the right ways, simply following your heart. The advice above is on point. I second the gift of time, freeing her up to journal, walk, attend meetings, grocery shop the outer edges without kids asking for items she needs to be strategic about. You are a great mom !

Age: 64; 5' 5"; High weight: 345; Start weight: 271 (01/05/15); Surgery weight: 218 (05/27/15); Pre-Op (-53); M 1 (-18); M 2 (-1.5); M 3 (-13.5 ); M 4 (-13); M 5 (- 8); M 6 (-12) M 7 (-5, Xmas); M 8 (- 9) Under surgeon's goal and REACHED HEALTHY BMI 12/07/15!! (Six months and one week.) AT GOAL month 8. Maintaining at goal range (139- 144) ~ four (4) years !!

on 1/29/20 11:58 am

I like what you said about the gift of time, ocean4dlm, thank you! I didn't think it would help so much to let her grocery shop on her own, but I see the point. When my kids were little, it was a constant battle to leave the grocery store without filling the cart with unnecessary items, and this will help her. Thanks so much!

H.A.L.A B.
on 1/24/20 5:23 am

You got some great advices.

Just a few points from me ...or more than few...

  • Don't be her food police, she needs to find her own way to know what she can /want to eat, and what not to eat.
  • Don't do anything that may look like you are tryning to sabotage her efforts, i.e. cooking or buying foods you know she likes /liked but foods that she isn't supposed to eat post op. I.e. making/buying her a cake for her birthday, and giving it to her so she can celebrate her birthday with family. Or, telling her "but I made that for you, you don't have to eat all of it and a small slice/portion is not going to hurt you." Pushing food on her after she told you she didn't want any.
  • When planning dinner for her or when she is invited with other family members, either make sure there is food she can safely eat, or allow her to bring some dish she can have with everyone else.
  • Don't make a huge deal about her journey to others right in front of her or behind her back. It's her journey and she should gave a choice to share it weith others. At the same time, don't ignore it.
  • Prepare that she may be "emotional" during first few months. Some hormones are stored in the fat on our bodies, and when we lose weight, they are released making some if us really cranky. The best way i described it to someone for me it was like having really bad PMS for a few months. Really really bad. But dont allow her to dump her bad mood on you. Dealing with the hormones post op can explain why some of us can get *****y, but it doesn't excuse abuse towards others.
  • At the same time, some of us used to deal with emotions using comfort food. Post op WLS that friend, "comfort food" is no longer an option. We need to learn how to deal with emotions without food.
  • Love her. Just love her as she is. Cranky at times *****y, melodramatic, etc.

Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG

"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"

"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."