Frustrated with family

on 3/19/20 8:13 am

Just need to vent for a moment. I haven't been telling many people about my process and my journey at this point other than a few close friends who I know support my decision. Now, that I'm getting closer to having surgery I decided to tell my brother that I'm closest with about my decision. He lives in a different state, so it's not like I see him and person and he would see me going through the process up to this point. The conversation started out supportive, but took a frustrating turn. A friend of ours from high school and a guy with brother is best friends started a personal training studio and based it off he and his fiancé's plant based eating lifestyle and have now opened a vegan restaurant. Let me preface this with I'm not against being vegan if that's your choice, and I actually was trained by this before he became vegan and even tried his way of eating for awhile, and had no success. Apparently he and my brother have been discussing my health issues and my brother told me part way through the conversation that I just need to become vegan instead of getting surgery and that it'll take care of all my health issues. After a very long week of working in healthcare this kind of put me in a funk last night. If it wasn't my brother, i'd have told him where to go. I've tried all kinds of ways of eating and have always been active, I weighed over 400lbs in high school and have been able to lose about 70lbs and keep it off on my own. I've stalled out and haven't been able to get rid of anymore fat or weight. I also up until the last year or so, thought the surgery was the easy way out, but that's also because that's what this trainer preached in my head. I now know that's not the case and I had a dr actually explain things to me in the fall, that I've tried all kinds of different diets and ways of eating along with exercise and can only lose so much. He said for lack of a better terms, my body basically needs a hard reset for my hormones and metabolism to jump start things. Just frustrated by this conversation especially coming from guys who have been relatively skinny/in shape their entire lives and to basically tell me I haven't tried hard enough. Just needed to vent to people that have probably experienced similar issues.

on 3/19/20 4:27 pm
VSG on 06/11/18

That would have frustrated me too! I'm vegan, and it's not a magic cure for obesity.

on 3/20/20 6:56 am

It was frustrating, but with this guy it's his way or you're wrong. Kind of why I stopped going to him. I'm not against being vegan, I tried plant based and didn't see a difference. I tried telling him, what may work for one of us won't work for all of us.

on 3/19/20 5:50 pm

It sounds like you have had a rough week and I can understand your frustrations. I also found it difficult at the beginning to tell others about the surgery I was about to undertake and had something similar told to me from a very close cousin before I had my operation. Many people have opinions about obesity and losing weight: Oh you just need enough willpower, Just exercise more, harder, cardio, weight lifting, etc..., Try No Fat, Low Fat, Keto, Diabetic, Vegan, Vegetarian... What is most important is that you do what is right for you. Speak with your Doctor and know you are doing what you need to for your health. Weight loss surgery is a tool for you to use to help you achieve your goals! :) Congratulations on losing that 70 lbs and keeping it off. Best of luck to you moving forward. It is good to find those that help lift you up!

on 3/20/20 7:00 am

It's been a really rough week on top of this situation, I work for a hospital pharmacy and work is just ridiculous right now. Super stressed and trying not to let it derail me and fall back into old habits I would normally do in this situation. That's the thing I've literally ran the gambit on all those things you've listed and have been super frustrated in not seeing results the last few years. But, as the dr explained it's more of a metabolic/hormone inbalance in my gut and everything at this point and he did point out that I am over 30 now. Thank you! Yeah I just need to stick to those people who I know will support and lift me up.

on 3/20/20 7:50 am
RNY on 06/03/15

I needed the reset. I think I had been on pretty much every diet known to mankind, and the most I could lose was around 50-60 lbs (and usually not even half that much). I'd hit a brick wall, sit there for a few weeks, and then my weight would gradually increase again. I cannot even tell you how many times this happened. I had over 200 lbs to lose, so I knew there was just no way this was ever going to work without surgery...

RNY 06/03/15 by Michael Garren (Madison, WI)

Plastic Surgery 08/10/18 and 03/29/19 by Lawrence Zachary (Chicago, IL)

HW: 373 SW: 316 GW: 145 LW: 138 CW: 150

on 3/20/20 8:24 am

My experience seems very similar to yours. And after years of fighting the yo-yoing I've decided I needed to give surgery a shot.

Citizen Kim
on 3/20/20 1:36 pm - Castle Rock, CO

The best advice I can give you is to give your friends and family very strict boundaries before you get surgery and stick to them.

They might be a bit miffed in the beginning, but if they truly love you, theyll get over it

I would tell them that you are following your surgeon's guidelines and that if you need diet or exercise advice you will ask them, but that until you do so, you would appreciate their quiet support.

Proud Feminist, Atheist, LGBT friend, and Democratic Socialist

on 3/23/20 5:02 am

Thanks for the advice. I normally don't have an issue with letting people know how it is. I think it was this conversation and the stress of work the last week, that I'm kind of off mentally and let it get to me.

on 3/20/20 3:34 pm

"Thank you for the information, I will bring it up to my healthcare provider... MY DOCTOR, MY SURGEON. If you choose to negate everything I do for my health, then I kindly ask you to refrain from offering your opinion at all. This is a personal decision and I do not need or want your approval. If you choose to continue to be negative against my decision about my own body, I will not be in your life and wish you the best... You may feel like you are coming from a place of love, but I am not feeling that so I ask that you please respect me and my decisions about my personal healthcare."

I had to use the above statement to my mother. a similar conversation (or 10) was stated after countless conversations between her and me, that I really didn't need surgery. I sent her all of the information wanting an open conversation to help her understand MY WHY and she chose not to read it so I could help educate her. When faced with the knowledge that I was serious about this, and knowing that I was willing to die on the table TRYING, she knew that I was not messing around and she didn't want to lose the relationship.

It's up to you do remove toxic people from your life, even if THEY feel like they are coming from a place of love.

Not everyone will understand, so I try and use the opportunity to have that open conversation to answer questions, should they have them.

You've got this and are on the right track... and sure as hell with good company. *Socially distanced hugs*