Boyfriend not supportive!

Chacha831
on 7/24/20 4:46 am

I am wanting to have weight loss surgery this fall or winter. I have a longtime boyfriend and he is not supporting my decision at all. He thinks I should be able to just lose the weight on my own. It's hard because he doesn't even want to talk about it or hear me talk about my options. It's really hard to excited about something I have wanted for a long time. I need to lose this weight and I just keep bouncing back and forth with weight loss and gain. Have any of you faced a similar problem with no support from your mate or family members?

hollykim
on 7/24/20 10:37 am - Nashville, TN
Revision on 03/18/15 with
On July 24, 2020 at 11:46 AM Pacific Time, Chacha831 wrote:

I am wanting to have weight loss surgery this fall or winter. I have a longtime boyfriend and he is not supporting my decision at all. He thinks I should be able to just lose the weight on my own. It's hard because he doesn't even want to talk about it or hear me talk about my options. It's really hard to excited about something I have wanted for a long time. I need to lose this weight and I just keep bouncing back and forth with weight loss and gain. Have any of you faced a similar problem with no support from your mate or family members?

everyone on my family was supportive. If I had had a partner who was not supportive about my efforts to be proactive for myself and take care of my health, I would have gotten rid of them. Quick way to lose several hundred pounds.

 


          

 

Chacha831
on 7/28/20 9:02 am

It has been hard and my boyfriend is driving a wedge in between us. I just might have to lose some baggage before my weight loss surgery. I am happy to hear you have such a supportive family!

Dee_Caprini
on 7/24/20 10:46 am

Unfortunately, it may be something you need to address head on and state that if this is something you want for long term health, he may not be the best fit for long term anything... You don't want anything standing in your way "making it easier" to fall off the wagon because, no doubt, he will be the first to say "see, you shouldn't have done this in the first place"... Have people in your inner circle to support you no matter what and see that the bigger picture is to live a healthy lifestyle and to live life without co-morbidities due to being overweight. My mother was trying to change my mind from the get go and when I sat her down and explained to her eeeevvverrryyyything that I was going through, she had admitted that she made those comments out of fear. I let her know that if she wasn't going to support me, then she was not able to comment another word about my health, weight and we would have a very limited relationship. She understood that I meant business and has been my biggest supporter ever since. I know it's a lot harder to correlate to a boyfriend, but I recommend having the type of mentality to tell people how you want to be treated. As bad as it sounds, everyone can be replaced and if he really cares about you, he will understand that this is a decision that should be supported and if he's not ready for that, then you will move on.

Chacha831
on 7/28/20 9:13 am

Good for you for taking a stand and turning things around with your mom and her support of you. My boyfriend comments on my weight all the time but thinks I can lose it if I just try harder. I am beginning to think you are right, that maybe he is not the best fit for longterm anything at all. I need to do this for me and for my health and well-being. Thank you for your response and advice.

fatgirlwannabethin
on 7/25/20 8:56 pm

My family is NOT supportive of surgery. They say the research shows a lot of people who have surgery regain most of their weight within 5 years, etc. They say I should have more will power. It is extremely unfair. I know some people who had surgery and did NOT gain back all their weight. They used surgery as a tool while realising they also had to put in the work in terms of healthy eating plans, exercise, etc. No amount of convincing has worked with my family. So I decided since I am an adult, it will be my choice and they can kiss off on this subject. Sorry to use rude language but it makes me extremely angry when people who are NOT stuck in the food addiction, overweight prison tell me I can't use one of the tools out there. Do we tell amputees they should hop around on only one leg because using a prosthetic, wheelchair, assistive device means they are not trying hard enough on their own? Do we take away insulin from diabetics because if they tried harder they could achieve normal blood sugar? Well those two things sound ridiculous so why do our loved ones take a surgical tool away from us? You know what I think? I think it is because many large people (myself included) have used food as a soother so we are people pleasing and have low expectations/demands on others. Our families and mates know we will work ourselves to death, be the hostess with the mostest, etc. to be pleasing to others since we know our appearance does not meet societal norms. They do not want us to change because if we got thin then we might make demands on others and stand up for fair treatment. Some men prefer larger women because that is what they like. Maybe this is not the case for everyone but it sure fits the patterns of most of the fellow obese sufferers that I know and myself as well. I have always been taught to not expect too much, not ask for too much, not demand too much because, after all, the thin women are more beautiful and he might pick one of them instead of me....Very damaging indoctrination from my family which I am now choosing to reject. If you are an adult, you decide as it is your body. If boyfriend decides to leave the relationship, there are more fish out there in the sea and that is his choice. What a shame he only values you when your weight is unhealthy. What would you tell your daughter/sister/friend to do if you had one and she was in the same situation as you? Let's think about this. What if you were a smoker and your boyfriend said he wouldn't help you stop smoking, support you stopping smoking, consider medical treatment for smoking? You would say this man wants me to die because we know smoking is quite deadly. Well obesity is just as deadly as smoking. Both are similar in that they usually kill slowly and over time so it is hard for the victim to see the connection between the behaviour and the outcome. I would also be alert for sabotage after your surgery from him. Seems he wants you to remain unchanged so when you do start to lose weight he may bring many temptations into the home or suddenly want to go out to eat more, etc.

catwoman7
on 7/26/20 5:10 am, edited 7/25/20 10:11 pm
RNY on 06/03/15

I agree with everything you said!

about regain - regain IS common, but we're talking like 20 lbs for most of us. Yes - there are people for sure *****gain most or all of their weight, but if that happened to most of us, insurance would quit covering these surgeries. I haven't read statistics on this, but I just don't think this is the case.

P.S. there are regulars on here who have regained more than the typical 20-ish lbs, but they've really buckled down and lost it again. With long-term lifestyle changes and careful monitoring, you should be able to keep most (or maybe all?) of the excess weight off.

Citizen Kim
on 7/26/20 10:22 am, edited 7/27/20 8:26 am - Castle Rock, CO

I'm not sure the long term people and veterans here are representative of the community as a whole. I think we are way more successful than average because we're more plugged into our community.

Success is considered keeping 50 per cent of excess weight loss off after 5 years.

Personally, I would not consider that a success for me at 16 years out.

This Article is a very interesting read.

Proud Feminist, Atheist, LGBT friend, and Democratic Socialist

catwoman7
on 7/26/20 10:24 am, edited 7/26/20 3:24 am
RNY on 06/03/15

you may be right..

fatgirlwannabethin
on 7/28/20 1:54 pm

Thank you for the very interesting article link. Much appreciated.

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