Need help to be a good supporter!

MadsHunt
on 8/5/20 8:24 am

Hello everyone, I'm new here and am married to the love of my life who had the rny surgery at the end of February. This was all her decision and I am seeing evidence of it making her healthier, but I have no idea how to be the best support to her. Are there any top 8 ideas out there that I should know about? I'm glad I found this site!

Thanks!

MadsHunter

ScaleSkater
on 8/5/20 9:53 am

Help her lose the old habits. For example, don't say to her that you want to eat your favorite pizza that you both formerly shared, while she is newly healing. When she eats normal food, try to help her cook or support her new menu. My wife never did that. We cook two separate meals - it was hard at first, but now it's fine.

Don't make her pick restaurants or food type unless she likes to do that. I can eat simply anywhere, but my wife still makes me pick 8 restaurants for her to select on the weekend dinner out. I hate that. I can eat a salad with protein anywhere, but I don't want to pick the best Chinese restaurant we use to love, or Mexican.....

Support how she will like to eat without arguing. Never, ever say - I miss the old days when we would go to the store and buy a cart of bad food and pig out together. All my bad eating made her feel better in comparison. Now she looks like the piggy and misses that I was her shield when we eat out. Stuff like that.

Keep your bad food out of sight or eat it out of the house only. My wife has a few stash spots and keeps her stuff out of my view. I just make it a habit never to go to her stash spot, but I can do that. She might not be able to control that - so gauge that and try to help the best you can.

The worst and absolute worst argument my wife and I got into was the time she wanted a whole pizza herself and i just wanted one piece. She refused and wanted me to spend another $30 to buy my own pizza. She wanted all the leftovers for herself and didn't want to share her pie. I was dumbfounded. The best part was after the argument - the restaurant told her the oven was broken, so no pizza that day. I just laughed. It made the situation worse, but she got what she deserved. The only good part was that we started marriage therapy after that argument and that made a world of difference.

Just be supportive and by your asking the question - you seem to be that. Good luck.

HW 510 / SW 424/ GW 175 (stretch goal to get 10 under) / CW 160 (I'm near the charts ideal weight - wonder if I can stay here)

RNY November 2016

PS: L/R arm skin removal; belt panniculectomy - April, 2019

MadsHunt
on 8/5/20 1:20 pm

ScaleSkater,

This is a lot of help and things I would never have thought of, thank you. I'm guessing there may be some rough times ahead (based on what you write), but sure want to make good times the norm and make the road less bumpy. There is enough in life to cause problems for us all, I don't want to add to it! I'll have to make some adjustments myself, and who knows, maybe I'll be better off for them.

I appreciate you sharing, it's not always easy for some people, and I'm one of them. This is a big step for me, reaching out.

Thanks again!

MadsHunter

ScaleSkater
on 8/5/20 8:48 pm

It's not that bad, but you'll be surprised by your own habits that get disrupted. In the end it is so worth it. Struggles yes, but you both need to change and as long as you are open to it-it will work out. Honestly the best parts of my program are my own bariatric therapist and our marriage therapist. They've helped me and DW so much. Honestly, we had some real baggage to unpack. Years of pain and problems that weight loss alone didn't fix. It's much, much better now. My detailed comments were more about things you likely hadn't considered. Not that it's a big problem. Good luck with both your journeys.

HW 510 / SW 424/ GW 175 (stretch goal to get 10 under) / CW 160 (I'm near the charts ideal weight - wonder if I can stay here)

RNY November 2016

PS: L/R arm skin removal; belt panniculectomy - April, 2019

hollykim
on 8/5/20 4:27 pm - Nashville, TN
Revision on 03/18/15 with
On August 5, 2020 at 3:24 PM Pacific Time, MadsHunt wrote:

Hello everyone, I'm new here and am married to the love of my life who had the rny surgery at the end of February. This was all her decision and I am seeing evidence of it making her healthier, but I have no idea how to be the best support to her. Are there any top 8 ideas out there that I should know about? I'm glad I found this site!

Thanks!

1. Do t be the food police. She knows what is on her plan to eat. If she eats off plan, she KNOWS she is eAting off plan and needs to be responsible, to eat it or not.

2. consider sharing meals with her when she is able to eat out, if she chooses to eat out. she will not be able to eat more than a few bites which leaves virtually a whole meal for you.


3. choose, with her, meals that are on plan for her. Chances are you could stand to lose a few pounds Also.

4. Encourage her to update her wardrobe when things become too big. Wearing loose, floppy, slouchy , clothes that no longer fit is a huge morale buster. Encourage her to shop Goodwill, thrift stores, etc for inexpensive items.

5. love her, period, whether she is being successful all the time( she may or may not be, most of us are not).

6. love her body as it changes and it WILL be changing. There will likely be loose skin and things possibly flopping where they didn't used to flop. She might be self conscious about some of these changes so let her know/ remind her often how attracted to her you are, period.

7. try to understand and be pSyient when her hormone levels are activated during the early rapid weight loss phase. Hormones are stored in fat and as her fat is burned , the hormones are released into her bloodstreAm and can make her either a total raging ***** or a sad crying whiny mess. Be aware and prepared and know that neither one is forever and the hormones will level off.

8. Give yourself a pat on the back for all you have already done during her journey. Welcome and don't be a stranger. OH is hands down the best and most I formative site on the internet. Many of us "vets" tell it like it is, and sometimes the truth hurts. We try to be truthful and right on point because we , above all else, want everyone to be successful short term and long term. Some of us have been living and maintaining our weight losses for upwards of 16 years. I personally had surgery 11 years ago lost 122 pounds and have maintained that loss.

9. One for the road... if she has regain, and she might, help her realize she isn't it once and she can lose the regain. It will be harder the second time around, but it is possible.

 


          

 

MadsHunt
on 8/6/20 2:15 pm

hollykim,

This is another example of truthful advice and thanks for this. I'm seeing a good deal of honesty as I meander around this website, and I appreciate it coming from people who have lived it, and especially with such experience. Have you peeked through my window? Yes, I could lose 20 pounds, how did you know! I am for sure not the food police, I am not that kind of guy but just want to be the most sensitive I can be. I have seen a mood swing or two, but we're lucky to be where we are right now, with a healthier path being taken essentially for us both so I'm in it for the long haul, ups and downs.

Appreciate your words, very helpful..

MadsHunter

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