Do you feel like you self sabotage?

I think I am crossing everything that can be crossed. But I get so stuck on myself because I shouldn't be "blaming 2020"... I think with the stress of everything compiled, I would have hoped to be able to adjust and move on rather than let it get to me.

Sabotage: I did on diets pre-op. Invariably, if I got a good weight I would binge not long after. I could undo a week of effort in a single binge. Even recognizing the trigger I was unable to change it. I was raised that failure meant comfort food, success meant celebratory food.

Eventually, I decided WLS would eliminate the possibility of binge eating. I also hoped to be able to change other aspects of my constant and magnificent failures. I had RNY within 4 months of deciding to get it, and I lived happily ever after. The end.

I never ate off plan.

Yeah. No.

More Sabotage: The morning of my first follow-up, when I chewed a banana instead of pureeing it. I was so proud I didn't get it stuck. I don't remember the whole 15 minute lecture Doc gave me, but the message is still imprinted on my brain. He explored my deficits of character and intelligence in sordid detail. Off plan is what is wrong with me, how I got to 600 pounds, and how I will get there again. Why would I go through all this to fail so dramatically and completely? Why am I incapable of following simple rules. Do I really want to screw this up also? I walked out with more than a little on which to reflect and ponder.

Scales are evil. My massive weight prevented me from weighing at will at home or most doctors offices. So I could only weigh at my monthly follow-ups at my Surgeon's. As such, I could not obsess about my weight on a day to day basis. For you bible folk, there is a scripture: "If your eye offends you, pluck it out..." [Matthew 18:9]. If the scale triggers you like it did me get rid of it. We don't need it to succeed. And it's one thing less to worry about. I measure how I feel in various ways and adjust. Often imperfectly.

Variables are, well, variable. These are what will teach you new lessons. Even learning what doesn't work and causes pain or suffering moves you forward to better habits. If it can be done without pain and suffering so much the better. Eventually your sense memory of errors will remove the power of triggers and self-sabotage. You may not even realize it as it happens.

Tek

wow, I can go on and on.

I definitely do! I just posted about this yesterday. (I had not seen your post.) As I said in my post, I am in a rut right now with just everything. It's a struggle more than ever this year for several reasons just like you said. I hope the rest of 2020 is nice to you too!

The "I ate this and ruined the whole day" thing is something I can commiserate intimately with. Pre-op my version was "I could ruin a week of effort in a single binge." I guess post-op a binge looks like eating the same thing for days on end (as currently with Mongolian BBQ).

I have your solution: Stop doing that!

If only it were so easy. WLS gives us help but, as you know, it's our minds where our major battles are fought. Our bodies are just along for the ride.

We're in stressful times stuck in our homes.

We've already binged all the series we're interested in, even a few we weren't.

We've done all our movies, too.

Our homes are :gulp: clean.

We watch the laundry basket waiting for enough clothes to show up, then pounce on it to do a load of laundry.

You've had every discussion with anyone that happens to be stuck with us. Then again.

Social media is, well, politics crazy right now, best to avoid it.

If we're still in a relationship, well, you can only 'relationship' so much. :nudge nudge:

Eating is about the only thing within our control. Hah! Our strong suit

Perhaps you can change your thinking a little. Carbs are not evil. They do not screw up your whole day. Beating yourself up, as you can feel, is what screws up your day. Somehow screwing up grants you permission eat off plan.

So, I officially declare that your breakfast carbs are OK, as long as you eat them after your protein. Have at 'em. Now you have no excuse for the rest of your day, you can follow your plan.

Right now the scale is only there as another thing with which to beat yourself. Having a good day eating then having the scale taunt you with the same weight sure can be defeating. Get back into your groove for a week or more before you let the scale lie to you.

Oh, 2020 will continue to suck. Get used to it.

You can do it. You've proven it.

Tek