Wife not attracted to me since my weight loss

Leon-C
on 10/8/20 9:05 am
VSG on 06/20/18

To say I am feeling hurt would be an understatement. My wife tells me she loves me but she is not attracted to me like she was before I lost 140 pounds. I don't understand because I am still me only healthier and happier. I have more energy and feel better than ever and I would like to think that I look better too. But not according to her. She isn't attracted to my new body. After all these years, my own wife is not attracted to me. It hurts me very much. I wish she had never told me. I don't know what to think. I don't think I want to be with someone that doesn't find me attractive and I have been married to her for 9 years. She has gained weight, lost weight and I have always been attracted to her. Has anyone else had their spouse express that they are not attracted to them after weight loss?

Tekish
on 10/8/20 9:55 am

This is rough.

It may just take time for her to adjust to the new you. Love is still there, which is obviously good.

My advice would be to hang in for a while, give her and you time to adjust. See what happens. Then see how you both feel about it.

Nothing says you must decide your life today. Then again, nothing says you can't.

Honestly, pre-op I was so huge the physical was a ridiculous idea. Now that it's not ridiculous it's not as important as the rest of our relationship that we've built over the years. We may be weird. 35 years weird.

Good luck,

Tek

Leon-C
on 10/8/20 7:32 pm
VSG on 06/20/18

It is hard but I will most certainly give our relationship time. I won't walk away and I hope she will not either. 35 years of weird sounds good to me. Congratulations!

TJFox
on 10/8/20 10:38 am

I have gone through what you are going through yet differently. For me, it was when I gained a lot of weight, my guy was no longer attracted to me. It hurt me a lot so I understand how you are feeling. You have 9 years together and she says she still loves you and it sounds like you love her. Maybe give it some time and find a way through the hurt with your confidence and good health.

Leon-C
on 10/8/20 7:54 pm
VSG on 06/20/18

I appreciate that you understand but I am sorry you have had to deal with a similar situation. I will give it some time.

Leon-C
on 10/8/20 8:19 pm
VSG on 06/20/18
White Dove
on 10/8/20 1:49 pm

There are people who are threatened by their partner being healthy and more attractive. Those people often try to sabotage their partner to get them back into the comfortable place where they feel they are the only person who wants you. It is about having control.

What she said is very mean and hurtful. I am so sorry that happened to you.

Here is what I would do:

Sit down with a pencil and paper and make a list. One one side the reasons you want to stay with her and the things about her that are good.

On the other side, the things about her that are negative. The top of the negative column is that she can say something so cruel.

Then take a bit of time and decide if her good qualities outweigh her bad. You can then decide if it is worth staying in the marriage.

Ask what you could do to become more attractive to her. Some people do need plastic surgery for loose skin. I tell people that weight loss surgery gave me back my health and plastic surgery gave me back my self esteem.

If her answer is that she wants you to gain the weight back, then you realize that it is not healthy to stay with her. It is always a good idea to talk with a therapist. Most of us did not get through this process without some help with mental issues. Do the things that will keep you healthy and let you live a happy life.



Real life begins where your comfort zone ends

Leon-C
on 10/8/20 7:57 pm
VSG on 06/20/18

You have given me so much to think about. Thank you for your support. I feel like a better version of myself when I look in the mirror and thought my wife felt the same way until recently. I will take your suggestions and run with them. I want to save my marriage if I can. The hurt is just so raw right now.

Veggiewoman
on 10/8/20 7:00 am, edited 10/8/20 7:28 am
RNY on 01/01/14

Sorry Leon ((((())))) WE love you and find the new healthy you wonderful.

I agree with the previous poster that you need to figure out where she's coming from.

Does she also have weight issues?

Were you eating buddies that haven't transitioned to exercise buddies and healthy eating together yet ?

Excess skin removal , liposuction and plastic surgery can make us even more beautiful after a few years of successfully maintaining our loss- but you deserve to be with someone who accepts you totally now and loves and admires what you've achieved.

Many marriages get rocky after WLS - after all its a tremendous change. Some break up but most accommodate.

Cuddle... admire Her... temporarily make visual contact less important - she obviously loves your feel and touch and smell so get close while you're sleeping and nature will take over.

And please try to forget the insensitive thing she said.

I know I let things kids said in elementary and middle school fester and adversely affect important decisions even in my adulthood !

I'm sure those same kids forgot their teasing that day. I took it to heart because I was afraid I was truly unattractive.

The truth was I may have been taller and bigger in the shoulders and less well dressed than those kids but I too was beautiful as a kid, And as an adult , both Before and After my life altering surgery.

I look at pictures and they DO NOT coincide with how I felt - I really thought I was a monster.

Even now when I contemplate showing my body to a new partner scarred up and still imperfect as it is ... I'm scared. But I'm not going to let that fear keep me from making love with someone I love.

Just hope I can eventually find that right guy who also truly loves and appreciates me and treats me with kindness and patience .

Leon-C
on 10/9/20 5:38 am
VSG on 06/20/18

Thank you for your post and for your support and advice. I like your attitude and confidence. My wife has weight issues too but not like I did. We have a date night once a weak and it is surrounded by fine wine and great foods but now that I can't eat as much, we take a lot of food home. We don't exercise together but we have been eating healthier foods together.

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